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  • Creosote Achilles and the Perils of Potrepreneurship

    In the fall of 2017, the outdoor cannabis harvest was a bumper crop for growers throughout the state of Oregon. This epic weed haul was the result of two factors; weather, and bureaucracy. The weather was spectacular for growing cannabis, particularly outdoors. A wet fall, winter, and spring (nearly 220 straight days of rain) meant there was plenty of water available. And the summer was warm and dry. Conditions that are favorable for growing trees with plenty of flower on them. The sunshine helped to ensure that flower would be potent. The other cause was bureaucracy. Normally inimical to the production of any good or service of value, on occasion bureaucrats manage to step on their dicks in such a way as to help the actual productive class. Such was the case in 2017 with the OLCC (the Oregon Liquor Control Commission).

    The OLCC is the regulatory pseudo agency (much like the fed it is a non-government organization with a government mandate) responsible for enforcing Oregon’s pot laws. In 2017, the OLCC declared open season for anyone with a license to grow marijuana when it announced that “due to a lack of allocated funds, enforcement efforts will primarily be focused on those growing cannabis without legal license to do so and on those with a recreational license. However, next year will see increased enforcement for medical growers.” In plain English and practical reality, this meant that as long as you had a medical license you could grow as much pot as you wanted. The statutory limits on the number of plants one could grow was out the window. Worst case, if you were caught, they’d cut down plants of your choosing until you were down to the legally allowed number. Every grower was growing as much pot as he could get in the ground that summer as cuttings are cheap.

    Fields of Green

    The resulting harvest was huge. And while the left may not understand or believe it, the laws of supply and demand are iron. If supply is greater than demand, the price falls until an equilibrium is reached. And the result was The Glut. A situation where outdoor weed wholesale prices fell as low as $300 per pound. If you could find a buyer and had good enough quality weed. There were rumors of weed going as low as $100/lb but that had to have been either exaggeration or for some really ditch weed bullshit. Either way, that was the first bump in the road.

    Once the harvest was in, properly dried and cured, and finally trimmed and packaged up, we had enough product that once The Glut ended we’d be able to fund our next phase. Right where we need to be to build our indoor facility and go through the process of getting the rec license that would allow us to expand. That’s where the next bump in the road occurred. We just need to wait for The Glut to recede and the price to come back up to our floor of $800 to $1000/lb. While it would put a crimp in our timeline, waiting even six months wouldn’t be catastrophic.

    An aside; indoor and outdoor pot flower are of differing quality. Indoor is higher quality and fetches a relatively higher price. But outdoor is far cheaper to produce and the aforementioned conditions were conducive to outdoor pot production. In 2017 we had both indoor and outdoor operations.

    End Product

    My business partner was impatient to take the next steps however, so was looking to expand beyond our established channel of buyers to sell all that outdoor product. The short version is that the buyer was a scammer that my partner thought he knew but didn’t. My partner took his stepson with him to the transaction, verified the guy had a med card, and gave the stepson the cash to count, made the transaction “selling” 80% of our harvest, and the best quality at that, and they left. Only to get home and discover the money was, as he texted me, “counterfeit.” I didn’t hear from him for 3 days and when I finally got the full story I have never been closer to murder than I was at that moment.

    Turns out the money wasn’t counterfeit. It was movie money that looked just this side of monopoly money for verisimilitude. I wasn’t even mad at the scammer (whom my partner didn’t even take a picture of the guy’s med card or his license plate and only had a phone number that of course turned out to be a burner). I mean, the balls to try that and get away with it? But my partner and his idiot stepson? Yeah. Them I was furious at.

    Does that look like legal tender to you?

    Anyway.

    As of February, we had only 20% of our harvest, The Glut was finally receding, and we were at a crossroads. We came up with a last-ditch plan of selling that final amount to finance continued expansion of existing indoor med operations of high THC plants, and to get legal for growing outdoor hemp as we did have a legit buyer for hemp flower by that point for processing for CBD products. Those funds from a large hemp harvest could then be leveraged to do the build out for a rec license grow. As described in my previous article, a rec license allows a much larger size grow operation than a med license.

    Another digression: Marijuana and hemp are the same plant, save that hemp has been bred primarily for its fibers in the stalk and has only trace amounts of THC but plenty of CBDs, even in the flower. Marijuana flower contains both, and various strains have various proportions. THC is what gets you high and CBDs are the actual medicinal chemicals, especially for seizures, muscle & joint problems, pain, and anxiety. CBDs also don’t get you high and won’t, generally, show up on a piss test. Getting licensed for hemp is far less expensive than getting a rec marijuana license and you can grow as much as you like. There’s a fee for a 2-year license and you must have proof that the plants are hemp and not marijuana, and that’s it. Far easier compliance and we have enough acreage on the farm it could be quite lucrative. THC flower is usually more valuable, esp. indoor grown. But there’s potential in CBDs, especially with hemp as the input costs are way lower, the regulatory burden is lower, and the labor costs are lower offsetting the lower sales price one can get per pound.

    Unfortunately, due to the remainder being lower quality and The Glut being so epic, it took a long time to move that product. The revenue hasn’t come in fast enough to buy the hemp plants needed to get the hemp license or get them in the ground for a spring or summer crop. The flow has been a trickle; just enough to keep the lights on and pay the basic bills while expanding the amount of indoor plants we can grow up to the legal limit for the number of med cards we have. There’s an outside shot that by next spring there’ll be money for hemp. But I don’t see it.

    The result is that two months ago I washed my hands of it and told my partner that as long as he kept things legal and he paid the lease payments on time for the farm, he could keep going, but that I was done being actively involved. I started looking for a job and found one. I started that the last week of June and I’m enjoying it.

    The saving grace, from a financial perspective, is related to the legal technicalities on having a rec license and the land we purchased for the business. The land use regulations related to marijuana are somewhat convoluted. There are both county regulations and state regulations. The state regulates the maximum square footage of flower canopy one can have per rec license. It also insists that no individual or entity may have multiple licenses on the same tax lot. The county regulates the zoning for tax lots, which determines whether you can grow indoor, outdoor or both. It also sets a minimum size for a rec license. Usually 2-5 acres. Further, to obtain a rec license, one must prove water rights. If they aren’t already registered on the deed, this isn’t as simple as digging a well. One must obtain those rights through a process that takes 1-2 years.

    To give an example. If one purchases 40 acres in a county where the minimum size for a rec license is 4 acres you may not, then obtain 10 licenses from the OLCC. You can obtain one and lease out the other nine to other folks with a license. But if you want a second license you must buy another tax lot somewhere. Many of the larger operations are buying 5-10-acre plots with proper zoning building a minimum size rec grow, and then offering the rest as turnkey, then buying another parcel and repeating. That was part of our plan. But the number of parcels that are properly zoned in counties with relatively simple regulations is small. More importantly, the piece of land we bought has county water and therefore automatically has water rights.

    The land is valuable in and of itself. And the land is in my wife’s name and my name. It’s appreciated about 20% in value since we purchased it. And the company is leasing it from my wife and me. So worst case we have a valuable piece of property that has a current market value that is keeping pace with the rest of the money we invested and then some. Also, it’s a good place to go shooting whenever I want. We may even just keep it and build a country house as a retreat there.

    I learned my lesson. My next startup will be a side-hustle that I build until it replaces a significant portion of my income. I’ll have no partners, only employees, or minority ownership stakes if I need someone with special skills, but not a partner. And while I’m probably out $20-$40k counting lost income, it was worth the gamble as it was money I could afford to lose. I don’t regret taking the chance, though, and I learned a great deal about myself and managing people, and just how tough it is to start a business. I’ve always admired folks who run their own enterprise, but I do so even more now that I’ve taken a shot at it.

    End Note: I appreciate all the interest and encouragement as well as kind words. It’s helped immensely. This place really is a community.

  • Hump Day Afternoon Link

    Welcome to Hump Day, or Mid-Week Maintenance Sex Day for those of you in long-term relationships where you don’t schedule monthly appointments. I don’t have much patter or chatter today, Sloopy does a pretty good job of sucking all the air out of the day in the morning. We’ll see how this Croatia/England matchup goes. After eliminating the Cravats, I think the English will fall to the French in a way that will disappoint them as much as anything since Joan of Arc’s victories.

    “It was Gatlinburg in mid-July/I shat myself ’cause of e. coli./I tell ya, life ain’t easy for a Boy Named Sue” – I believe Shel Silverstein would be okay with this

    As a fellow Brett, I am shocked and disappointed at these baseless allegations. I was never a member of a fraternity.

    Huh, I always thought fraudulent evangelism was an American phenomenon.

    I think everyone here can agree that the cops did a good thing here.

     

    Oh what the hell. We’ll make it easy.

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 86

    Trump’s Europe trip: Where he’s going on his 7-day visit with NATO allies and Putin

    “I hate Europe,” Donald moaned as his limo inched its way through a throng of people cheerily ringing the bells on their twee bicycles. “I hate it, I hate the people, I hate the food, I hate how hard it is to find a simple damn Diet Coke.”

    “There are four cases in the trunk, Donald,” the hair reminded him, “and twelve more on the plane.”

    “What good are Diet Cokes in the trunk?” he asked, taking a drink of the Diet Coke in his hand.

    “You can find some kinky-ass shit to do in Belgium,” the hat said.

    “I hate Belgia,” Donald whispered.

    Big Bush Park, Antwerp

    “Back in, what, it must have been 1964, me and some friends ended up at this club in Antwerp, real underground place, and it was a live sex show. Freaky, man, real freaky.” the hat said and sighed.

    “Freaky?” Donald asked.

    “You have friends?” the hair asked.

    “Oh, shut the fuck up,” the hat told the hair. “Real freaky, Donald. Bitches dressed up like antique furniture. Two dudes just pounding away on an escritoire, a guy spinning a Louis XIV armchair on his dick, DVDA on a breakaway chifferobe. Crazy stuff.”

    “Really?” Donald asked. “Wow.”

    “They came out into the audience, dude,” the hat said excitedly, “like The Lion King.”

    “This is bullshit,” the hair declared.

    “Like The Lion King?” Donald asked excitedly.

    “Bulllllllllshit,” the hair sang.

    “Yeah, man,” the hat continued. “A skinny chick dressed like a whale-oil lamp queefed right in my buddy’s face.”

    “Whoa,” Donald said.

    “Bullshit, bullshit, bulllllllshit,” the hair sang again.

    “I am going to kick your ass, fucker,” the hat said.
    The hair drew itself into a tight bun on Donald’s head and hissed.

    “Queef,” Donald mumbled and smiled. He drained the last of his Diet Coke and slurped noisily at the bottom of his glass with his straw while rattling the ice.

    “And who,” the hair asked in a tight, high voice, “Was this friend of yours who got…” The hair paused, “‘Queefed’ on?”

    Norman Mailer and his crotch, Diane Arbus, 1963

    “Norman Mailer,” the hat said crisply.

    “Norman Mailer?!?” the hair asked incredulously.

    “Norman Mailer,” the hat replied.

    “Norman Mailer. The author of The Naked and the Dead?”

    “Well, I called him ‘Norm,” but yeah.”

    The Executioner’s Song? The Armies of the Night?!? That Norman Mailer?”

    “Yup, she queefed right in his face,” the hat said.

    “Dammit,” Donald said. “Why won’t the window roll down?” He smacked the panel on the door.

    “Security,” the hair said.

    “I want to roll the window down,” Donald said, still fiddling with the buttons.

    “Man, you should have seen the look on his face,” the hat said, still lost in reminiscence.

    “Why do you want to roll the window down?” the hair asked.

    “Never mind,” Donald said, sulking.

    “You were going to yell ‘queef’ out the window, weren’t you?” the hat asked.

    “Yeah,” Donald said. He settled back into the rich leather of the limo and sucked his teeth loudly.

  • Wednesday Morning Links

    Halfway through the week for many of you.  I’ve got an all-weekend work-a-thon with the arrowhead auction coming up, so I don’t know when I’ll have a day off next. But that’s all good with me.  You know who has a loooong weekend?  the Belgium soccer team.  Those dudes have to go to play in the 3rd Place game later, but that’s never really mattered much.  They’ll face whoever loses today between Croatia and England, while the winner of that match will square off against France for all the marbles.  My pick: England 2-1.  If they weren’t completely gassed, I’d go with Croatia, but I think the tank has gotta be about empty.

    The Orioles beat the Yankees, the Nats got above .500 after beating the Pirates, the Red Sox topped the Rangers, the big red machine took down the cross-state rival Indians, the Phillies beat the Mets, The Brewers doubled up the Marlins, the Rays stung the Tigers, the Blue Jays drilled the Braves, the Cardinals embarrassed the White Sox, the Royals bested the MINNESOOOOODA TWIIIIIINS, the D-backs topped the Rockies, the Giants beat the Cubs, the Angels beat the Mariners, the Padres topped the Dodgers, and I went to sleep in the middle of the 8th with the Astros up 4-0, so I assumed they finally got Verlander a decision. Apparently that was a mistake. I wish I’d have seen the circus play that ended that game in the Astros favor.

    Would most likely be “problematic” today.

    Scottish king Robert the Bruce was born on this date. So too were  President John Quincy Adams, “lawman” Bull Conner, author E.B. White, slap-head actor Yul Brynner, fashion designer Giorgio Armani, rocker John Lawton, singers Jeff Hanna and Bonnie Pointer, boxer Leon Spinks, Bauhaus’s Peter Murphy, guitarist Richie Sambora, vocalist Suzanne Vega, and Thurston Harris.

    Its also the day Antonius Pius succeeded Hadrian as Roman Emperor, Henry VIII was excommunicated, Samuel de Champlain returned to Quebec, Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, the US Marine Corp was established, the first auto race was held, Babe Ruth made his Boston pitching debut, the Marx Brothers “A Day At The Races” opened, “To Kill A Mockingbird” was published, Earl Weaver made his debut as Orioles manager, “Space Oddity” was released, Nolan Ryan recorded his 4,000th strikeout and Mike Tyson hired Donald Trump as his advisor.

    Heady stuff there. But I digress. Its time for…the links!

    Where’s my eggs and ketchup, you lazy European bastards!

    Well the start of the NATO meetings sure wasn’t boring.  I swear, I’ll fly to DC and kiss the man if he pulls our troops out of Europe and those people start funding their own defense.  We’ll see how those social safety net programs get funded if they actually have to supply their own military.

    Sacha Baron Cohen appears to have struck a nerve with former Governor Sarah Palin. Well, her and disabled veterans support groups.  I don’t have Showtime. If anybody does, let me know if its funny or not.  I assume it will be a combination of hilarity and cringe-worthy stupidity.  Not sure yet who will supply each.

    The real joke here is Hollywood

    Exhibit 1,329,692 for Hollywood being out of fresh ideas. I assumed an “origins” story would require hiring a younger person rather than an older one.  But he will save them money on face makeup.

    But they have strict gun control! How could this have happened?  I bet he went to Indiana.  Yeah, let’s blame Indiana.

    Chicago government: is there anything they can’t fuck up?  Also, good on the ACLU for taking this up. I guess that’s where they’re spending all their energy after abandoning free association, the second amendment and the right for people to have religious objections to regulations.

    Put that “Popcorn” down!. Popcorn is for closers only.

    This one is for all you potheads out there.  ::sigh:: FINE, everybody else who likes making fun of the DEA can pile on too.

    Just in case you needed an excuse to go get one. Personally, I’d mix cherry with blue raspberry and call it a day.  Although I was always more of a Slush Puppy kid growing up, I’ll probably try to find a local store.

    Quanell X is gonna have some explaining to do. This one could be interesting. These cases usually turn into an airing of grievances.  I’ll get the popcorn.

    Yes, I had several options. And I’m perfectly content with the direction I decided to go today. Feel free to complain and/or supplement it in the comments.

    Have a great middle of the week, friends!

  • Trashy tries creative writing, sci-fi style [Part 1]

    I occasionally get the fiction writing bug and put together a short story. Usually they suck because I’m not a creative writer and I’m usually just blowing off some creative steam since I write highly technical documents at my day job. Anyway, I have a start of a short story I’d like to share for the hell of it. If there’s sufficient interest, I’ll write and post more of it on here.

    ————

     

    A subtle jolt signaled the end of the ride for Lt. Van Balych. The doors to the elevator slid open with a light rumble, and his first step onto the gravitative section of the NASS Umbique was a bit shaky. He hadn’t been in space in quite a while, and he had forgotten that it takes a day or so to get one’s space legs under them. The hallway he stepped into seemed neverending, an artifact of the wholly uninspired design of the Nakayama-class orbital patrol frigate. “Brutalism meets Flash Gordon,” quipped another Ensign during then Ensign Balych’s first space assignment, also on a Nakayama-class orbital patrol frigate.

    These frigates were disproportionately sized for their role in the North American Space Force, almost 80% the size of a Xie-class cruiser. However, the asteroid belt wasn’t nearly as contentious a place as had been expected, and the cruisers spent most of their time doing the job of orbital patrol frigates anyway. In a political “compromise,” the newest generation of orbital patrol frigate, the Nakayama-class, was designed to be the best of both worlds, a frigate with the resources of a cruiser. The result was a 700 meter long ship that looks like a boxy rolling pin. An ungainly angular command section contains a bridge, a forward engineering compartment, and a forward weapons array along with an associated magazine. The middle 500 meters consists of a spindly core around which the gravitative section rotates. The gravitative section is a 5-deck modular cylinder kept at 0.85g. Each module is a 500 meter by 50 meter rectangular strip that can be fully isolated from the other modules in case of emergency. The modules interconnect with adjacent modules through bulkheads every 100 meters. The rear section is a bulbous EM drive section. There is an aft engineering section and an aft weapons array, but they are usually remotely controlled unless heavy damage is taken at the front of the ship or maintenance is required.

    Van looked at the instructions projected on his glasses and began walking down the monotonous beige corridor, passing door after door of crew quarters. One of the nice things about having a ridiculously oversized ship was the fact that everybody got their own room. “26-B-12,” he mumbled under his breath, passing an Ensign in a purple trimmed uniform, indicative of a weapons controller. Yes, NASF ripped the whole colored uniform thing from Star Trek. It was supposed to be a morale boost, but it is more of a fleetwide embarrassment than anything. Van looked up from his half-aware cadence down the hall to see 26-B-17 on a door to the left. He shifted his gaze to the other side of the hall and acquired 26-B-12 a few meters further down. As he reached his arm out to push the entry button on the wall, the door recognized his wrist implant and opened with a mechanical whirr. “It’s an accordion door, of course, because that’s the least complicated type of door to design and maintain. These doors never fail!” Van sarcastically thought, remembering back to the multiple occasions during his stint on the Svenson when the door to his quarters jammed.

    Van stepped into his new quarters and was hit with a familiar smell. Despite the Umbique being almost two years old, nobody had been in this room since the pre-launch inspection. The new quarters smell was unmistakable. He dropped his duffel on the downright luxurious queen sized bed and scanned the room. The configuration was familiar, bathroom to the left, closet to the right, bed in front, desk next to the bed. Around the edges of the floor were angled windows that reminded Van of prisms. They were an attempt to give a view of the starscape that wasn’t just a porthole drilled in the floor. Officers were assigned quarters on deck 5, and non-comms were assigned windowless quarters on deck 4, a not-so-subtle insult given that the quarters on deck 5 could hold the entire 220 person crew thrice over.

    Van stepped into the bathroom, which automatically illuminated upon his presence. He looked into the mirror and swept off the remnant disheveledness that lingered from the four hour ride to orbit and then to the Umbique. He had been greeted by a Lieutenant Commander at the airlock and couldn’t remember her name. She was cute, if a bit swallowed up by her high-collared uniform. Balych toggled through the menus on his glasses with a sensation that resembled muscle memory and called up the ship’s crew roster. In a matter of a few seconds, he had filtered the list and found a picture of a soft-faced Lieutenant Commander trying her hardest to look tough. “Lt. Cmdr. Aria Snelling,” the dossier headlined. As quickly as he had looked up the information, he shut down the search and focused back on his reflection, running his hand across his cheek. He frowned at the rough feel of the five o’clock shadow and returned to his duffel to retrieve his laser razor. A quick two minutes later, he was baby faced and bald, which was how men were expected to groom themselves these days. He had a mild shudder as he thought about growing a beard and hair, which were considered old fashioned and a little bit tacky. Van gave his quarters one last glance before walking out and heading for the bridge.

    Lt. Balych had been assigned to the Umbique as Chief Compliance Officer, a natural extension from his prior role as a Senior Compliance Liaison at Space Consulate Canaveral. His task on this cruise was to ensure the regulatory compliance of all transports flying the common transit routes between the asteroid belt and the Inner Ports. Human space travel was still in its infancy, and very little exploration had been done outside of the asteroid belt. However, a few colonies had been established on the Moon and on Mars for various industrial purposes, including ore refining, spaceship manufacturing, and automated manufacturing for Earth consumption. These Inner Ports, including the many ports on Earth, were abuzz with commerce. The transit routes that connected the Inner Ports with the asteroid belt were traveled by a unique group of people, the Boomers.

    The elevator slowed to a stop with a small jolt and Van felt the last of the gravity go away. He held onto the railing until the doors slid open. With a small push, he stepped into a small corridor and eased back down onto the floor. The command section did not rotate, and technically had no gravity, but a magnetic field interacted with metallic microfibers woven into his uniform to provide the illusion of a minimum of gravity, something like 0.2g. It was enough to be able to walk around, but took some getting used to. Regulations stated that a crewmember could only spend 6 hours per day maximum in magna-grav sections of the ship to prevent the onset of microgravity ailments like bone density loss. Van walked past a couple of doors that led to command crew conference rooms and stepped up to the door at the end of the hall marked “Bridge”. He almost smacked his face into the door as a buzzing noise accompanied a red flashing light to signal his denial of access. A moment later, he heard an alarm sound from the tactical station on the other side of the stubbornly closed doors. Van quickly located the access list for the bridge on his glasses and scanned the list for his name. He found it instantly and confirmed that the access code on file matched to his wrist implant. He stepped forward again and the door slid open. The tactical officer pivoted in her chair and quizzically looked at Lt. Balych as he rolled his eyes. The bridge was vaguely reminiscent of the old NASA mission control center in Houston. He had never seen it in person, but there was a faithful mockup at Space Consulate Canaveral that he had seen many times. Three rows of computer stations were stacked in front of one another, all facing a bank of three screens at the front of the bridge. Van stood on a riser near the rear of the bridge and was looking downward at the command center. Three chairs sat in the middle of the large riser, a surprisingly large space for only three chairs and an emergency console on the back wall. The flurry of activity overwhelmed Van’s senses for a moment before his mind was able to adjust.

    The bridge crew consisted of a Captain, two Commanders, four Lieutenant Commanders, and six Lieutenants. The Captain and Commanders inhabited the three throne-like chairs in the back of the room. Lt. Balych approached the throne and cleared his throat. It was time to put on a show. In his best Swahili, he addressed Captain Mbeke. “I have been transferred under your command as of today, March 18, 2162. I am glad to be of service to you.” He intentionally and expertly avoided any offensive gendering, sideways glances, and assertiveness. It was especially difficult to keep his eyes from wandering when addressing Captain Mbeke. Xhe was a mountain of a woman, err, gender-nonspecific human. The image kept popping into Van’s head of mashed potatoes, because Mbeke’s morbidly obese body had the color and texture of mashed potatoes with gravy. Lt. Balych had addressed morbidly obese Captains before. 40% of Captains required a mattress instead of a command chair because they were too big for the command chair (which was already designed for a person of 450 pounds). However, Captain Mbeke had wedged xherself into the command chair, clearly in denial about xher 600-plus pound girth. Van had researched Captain Mbeke prior to boarding the Umbique, and knew much more about xher than likely anybody else on the ship. Captain Mbeke was born Stephanie Dawson, and was the daughter of Second Consul Blandon Dawson, one of the most powerful politicians on Earth. After spending 6 months living in South Africa, Stephanie Dawson became trans-racial and transgendered, and eventually changed xher name to Salani Mbeke, coopting a traditional Congan surname. Most senior officers were appointed directly to their positions due to political connection, and Captain Mbeke was no different. She was 32 when she was appointed to the Captaincy of the Umbique, without even stepping foot at officers’ school. Similarly, the Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders had all likely been appointed to the vessel as political favors.  Running an orbital patrol frigate was seen as a cushy job for the elites, given the low danger, the high amount of control, and the sumptuous allure of harassing the junior officers and non-comms. Normal people like Lt. Balych capped out at Lieutenant, with a select few making it to Lieutenant Commander.

    Captain Mbeke, leaned up into an erect sitting position, a fire building in her eyes. A guttoral exhale signaled that the fury was about to be unleashed, a song and dance Lt. Balych had experienced many times before. He tried to act and look as unimposing as possible, hoping to let the gale pass with minimal damage. In perfectly unaccented English, Mbeke screamed, “YOU DARE BUTCHER MY LANGUAGE?? YOU HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN ON MY SHIP AN HOUR AND YOU INSULT ME??” Her arms shook with rage, the dangling fat counter-rotating and flapping like a flesh-colored flag in a hurricane. The sound of skin-on-skin slapping was vaguely sexual, but only disgustingly so. Van purged the thought from his mind before the thought of a walrus mating with a bowl of jello made him visibly cringe and offend the gelatinous woman even more. Mbeke shifted over to look at one of the Commanders and said in a broken voice, “The safety of this bridge has . . . been. . .  violated!” Her lower lip began to pout and water glistened deep in her fat-swollen eyes, her words punctuated by a rhythmic heaving whistle unique to such a morbidly obese person trying to suppress her sobs, “I’ve. never. been. so. humiliated. in. my. liiiiiiiiiiii-hi-hi-hiiiiiiifffffffffffe!!” She broke down into a blubbering mess, her pasty mashed potato skin turning bright red with the effort. The Commander to her left motioned to one of the Lieutenants who escorted Lt. Balych off the bridge and into one of the command conference rooms. Van was happy that the ceremonial victimization of the Captain was finished. Tradition or no, he could never shake the thought that it was a bit ridiculous. There were better ways to put new junior officers in their place.

    Lt. Eva Baxter dropped the portable reading device on the conference table with just enough gusto to signal to Van that she didn’t want to be there dealing with onboarding a new bridge officer at the moment. Even though Baxter was likely a normal person who went to officer training school and didn’t come from a life of privilege, the systemic disdain held by the appointed senior officers tended to infect the rest of a ship like a virus. “Here is all the information about your job responsibilities, the layout of your bridge console, access parameters, your shift assignments, and protocols for communicating with senior officers. Read it all and memorize it,” she gruffly monotoned, punching buttons on the reading device. With a final button click, the entirety of the manual was uploaded to Van’s glasses, as indicated by a progress bar projected on the bottom of his left lens. She then proceeded to look him head to toe, a gesture he knew all too well. “We run the consort system here, have you been a consort on any of your previous assignments?” her disinterested demeanor staying unchanged, despite the shift to a sexual conversation. “Yes, I was consort to a Commander on my previous space assignment,” Van responded, momentarily flashing back to a memory of a sexual encounter with Cmdr. Bordreaux on the Svenson. “Good,” the emotionless Lieutenant dismissively muttered, “you’re not the Captain’s type, and the Commanders both already have enough consorts, so you may end up with a Lieutenant Commander.” An unofficial policy adopted on some of the most female dominated ships in the fleet assigned the male junior officers to female senior officers for sexual liaises. Neither the men nor the women needed the sex, as sexbots and sex toys were more than adequate to satisfy any sexual desire they had. However, the consort program gave the female senior officers another avenue to show their disdain for the junior officers, and especially for the wholly emasculated male officers. Consort sexual encounters were notoriously humiliating to the men. Some of the women even took perverse joy in pegging their men while making every effort to let the men know that they were less than trash. Lt. Balych had been lucky the first time. Cmdr. Bordreaux was a bit more traditional, and wasn’t particularly comfortable with the dominant role she was supposed to take in the consort relationship. Mostly, she just wanted companionship. Van was nervous that he’d get a true believer in the consort system this time around. His ass clenched at the thought.

  • Tuesday (Dear Lord is it really only Tuesday?) Afternoon Links

    I think the first time I was really drawn to computer programming as a career was when I realized that I could literally read the internet and be good at it. “Hey nobody at [GIANT COMPANY] knows how to do this!” I sneak off to the internet, use whatever came before Google — Yahoo? Lycos? Anyhow, I would type in some phrases, spend an hour or four reading blog posts and trying shit, and come in the next day with something that worked. Almost 20 years later, this still works. Am I good a writing code or just good at Googling? Who cares? The only people enjoying more job security than me right now are pipeline welders. I’ll tell you what is different — I used to have to write the code myself or at least copy and paste and change some things. Now, at least half the time, there’s an app for whatever I’m trying to do. Also, it gives me an excuse to be on the internet all day.

    France beats the Belgians, like every war ever.

    Wow. It turns out that the DOJ settled with Cody Wilson — he will be allowed to post specifications for essentially any type of firearm a private citizen can buy without an ATF endorsement. He has more plans. I’m also hoping that now that DD’s legal troubles are over, they’ll drop the price of the GhostGunner about $500.

    Huh. I heard a lot about “fuckin’ the dog” when I worked that construction job in Houston, but I didn’t realize how apt the metaphor was. The article implies that this congress may not have been illegal as late as last year, but I’m pretty sure an ass-whipping is part of the deal anytime you get caught.

    That’s some redneck shit, even for Georgia. Oh, Republic of Georgia. What an asshole.

    Maybe other states should also ban their legislatures from meeting in even years. Texas #1 state to do business in.

     

     

  • Manele: brief analysis of a cultural phenomenon with music links

    Good old manele, ya either love em or hate em. Really. Well, provided you are Romanian that is.

    Pie… what the bloody hell are you talking about? Well… Dixit Wikipedia:

    Manele (from Romanian, fem. sg. manea; pl. manele, the plural form being more common) is a music style from Romania.

    The manele can be divided into “classical manele” and “modern manele”. The “classical manele” are a Turkish-derived genre performed by lăutari in a lăutărească manner, while the “modern manele” are a mixture of Turkish, Greek, Arabic, Bulgarian and Serbian elements, generally using modern (electronic) instruments and beats.

    So manele is a type of singing. I dumped a bunch of links in this post, which I do not expect people to click on. They are not in a particular order because that seems like to much work and this is a lazy post. – yes it would have made sense to fit the links to the text. But life does not always make sense.  All the links are music and none of them are rick rolls. So I dunno click one or more. See how many you like, if any. Let’s just start with one.

    Few musical genres created so much division in the Romanian cultural landscape. For some, it was the music for parties and gatherings, fun and unpretentious; for others, a sign of low culture, no class, little education, low standards and poor taste. In many circles listening to manele got you immediately douchebag status. There were few in the middle on this issues, although the saying goes everyone likes manele after the second bottle of wine. The hate was particularly prominent among fans of heavy metal and folk music.

    Now is there some truth to the previous snobbish stereotype? Like in most cases yes. Listening to manele is somewhat correlated with low socioeconomic status, drinking wine mixed with cola and being functionally illiterate. Although, a few years ago, the phenomenon did go full circle when some hipsters started listening to manele ironically. Usually after the scared hipster got out of a cab in the bad part of town, to enter a local seedy dive bar which had a special, safe, but vaguely authentic manele party going on.

    Manele are sort of an eclectic mix of sounds sang originally by Roma / Gypsies (depending on preferred nomenclature) singers at parties and events. The have a very similar style and lyrics, grouped around the main aspects of a human life – money, love, loss, money, women, enemies who hate you but are not as good as you so you always come on top, ass shaking and money.

    The classic manea was a fairly slow paced mostly instrumental love song of Turkish origin during the 1800s. The modern manea as we know it started to appear in marginalized communities and had – like many such musical origin stories – an element of protest to exclusion in general and the high-brow culture of the more intellectual elite, if you will. Intellectuals which promptly criticized it eclectic mix of Balkan sounds, the crude language and sexual and violent elements of the lyrics. With the obvious laments of the effect on the children. So the protest factor was a success on that front, all things considered.

    Further opposition came from mainstream Lăutarii – singers of drinking and party music – which though it brings their profession – a rather lucrative and privileged one during communism – in disrepute.  This is probably part of the source of the division caused by the music. The other part being it kinda sucks.

    Who critiques the critics though? Well other critics usually… And so it happened. Some came to the defense of the manele, simply stating that like in all forms, there are good ones and bad ones and it can be a valuable p[art of the cultural landscape. The music was studied at the University level both a cultural and melodic point of view. There is some truth, off course, to snobs piling on popular music. The history, the communities and conditions that generate it generally are worth studying. Although just because something came from a marginalized community does not make it good, or opposing it racist.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y01xp6GsKSg

    The modern form is seen by some proponents of the genre as a degraded version that focuses to much of money and sex and lost some of its roots, which I think can be seen as somewhat paralleling some criticisms I hear of hip-hop culture in the States. This has probably something to do with the fall of communism which brought a new found freedom for artists and a possibly to get rich (or die trying). Capitalism man, it ruins everything by excessive commercialization.  The change of the manea, like all music in fact, can be seen as a chronicle of the changes in society, for people who study these sort of things.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0C3AEVbgXY

    The honest truth is that singers of manele are, generally, not bad singers. They have a good voice and quite a bit of practice. And there were cases when prominent manele singers sang different styles of music and did a damn good job at it. So it is mostly the form that is disliked.

    There are also parodies in the genre

     

    While the 1980s manele still had the classic instruments like accordion, violin, dulcimer, bass and cobza, after the 90s electronic instruments became more propeminent, although some of the classics are still kept.

     

    In the end, keep in mind the humble manea your next American party. Alternatively, sit on your American porch, drink your American whisky and listen to manele – in order to be culturally appropriate and respect the Romanian tradition, this should be loud enough for your neighbors to hear (and I realize your neighbor may be quite some way). Also eat roasted sunflower seeds and spit the husks on the ground.

  • Tuesday Morning Links

    World Cup semifinal #1 is today.  After a little deliberation, I’m going to go with France. Belgium look tough as nails, but the French are playing really well too and I think they have what it takes. Which means jack shit since I thought Spain would win it all.  But we can forget week-old predictions at our leisure here and I will.  France 3-2 is my pick.  Federer and Nadal both won yesterday.  The circus of a Woman’s draw fires back up this morning with 6 seeded players (are there more than 6 left int he entire draw?) taking the courts today.

    The baseball all-star game balloting process is taking its lumps on social media after Justin Verlander knocks its antiquated system. The Astros, Yankees and Cubs all lost. And that’s about it for sports.  7 more weeks until college football. Thank God.

    Tennis great Arthur Ashe

    Theologist John Calvin was born on this date. But that was his lot in life.  So were painter Camille Pissarro, swill-maker Adolphus Busch, “creator” of A/C electricity Nikola Tesla, intellectual Marcel Proust, Houston Symphony founder Ima Hogg (seriously), boxer and wop Jake LaMotta, actor Fred Gwynne, tennis great Arthur Ashe, dipshit singer Arlo Guthrie, musician Greg Kihn, “The Hawk” Andre Dawson, Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant, anti-war activist (who hasn’t played party politics) Cindy Sheehan, “singer” and “poster” Jessica Simpson, musician Wally Bryson and R&B singer Willie Ford.

    Its also the date when Caesar defeated Pompey at the Battle of Dyrrhachium, the city of Dublin was founded, Lady Godiva took her naked horseback ride, Louis XVI declared war on Great Britain, Rochambeau landed in the US to join the Continental Army (and figuratively help kick the limeys in the nuts), Wyoming became the 44th state, the Baltimore Orioles sold Babe Ruth to the Red Sox, Woodrow Wilson delivers the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate (and puts in motion the steps leading to WW2), Bobby Jones (a very fine golfer, one of the best ever) won the US Open, Howard Hughes flew around the world in 91 hours, Allied forces invaded Sicily, MLK Jr was arrested during a peaceful demonstration in Georgia, Telstar 1 was launched, “Escape From New York” debuted, Coca-Cola admits they fucked up and will re-introduce old Coke recipe, French intel agents blew up Greenpeace’s “Rainbow Warrior” in New Zealand, Boris Yeltsin was sworn in as the first President of the Russian Federation, and Joe Camel was pulled from ads by RJR-Nabisco.

    Well this date has some significant stuff.  But we have to move on to…the links!

    Kavanaugh and family

    President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to there Supreme Court. The guy looks really solid on 1A and 2A issues. He looks a little less solid on 4a issues and I don’t really know where he stands on 9A or 10A issues, which should come up in front of him.  Of course, the left is painting him as the most evil person since forever, but that was expected if Trump had nominated Jesus Christ himself.  One thing’s for sure: Red state Dems are going to be hard-pressed to go after him.

    Whoever called Boris Johnson a squish yesterday (and yes, I’m looking at you, UCS), you might want to rethink that position. Looks like he’s sick of the Brexit team being staffed by Remoaners and is about to move in for the kill on Teresa May.

    The Hat and Hair may soon have company

    Want read something absolutely amazing…in a good way… for a change?  Then this might be the story for you.  These are the kids places with socialized medicine write off and let die. They’re the type of thing American doctors figure out and then get to work on.  And that’s why we are better than the countries with single-payer.

    Boston is considering making citizenship meaningless. I can’t possibly see how this could have negative consequences (for Team Blue anyway).

    Just in case you’d forgotten that the world is full of busybody assholes, I present you with this reaffirming piece.  Words escape me….

    George Clooney released after being involved in a motorcycle crash in Sardinia.  I suppose he will be back to hectoring people about their global footprint after he flies back and forth to his Lake Como home a couple times.

    Almost done!

    Everybody trapped in the cave in Thailand is out now. That’s a great story about the triumph of humanity…and free market capitalists solving a problem government couldn’t.

    If you’re gonna call this much attention to yourself, you might want to make sure you’re not giving cops a reason to pull you over.  Furthermore, you might want to make sure you don’t have any outstanding warrants.

    The choice could have been so much worse, so no bitching!

    Have a great day, friends.

  • The Hyperbole’s Homebuilding Houseparty – The Penultimate Part

    Previously on H3

    Part 1: Introduction, Caveat, and Stakeout

    Part B: Permits and Foundations

    Part III: Do’h, Stumps, Rodan!!!, and Framing

    Part The Fourth: Rough-in, Decks, and Inspection

     

     

    Insulation, Drywall, Paint, Siding

    Carbonara

    First off my apologies for the delay in getting this part out, but I’ve been busy what with building homes and whatnot1. Assuming we passed the rough-in/framing inspection we now get to cover everything up and get to finishing. First comes the insulation. We have always subbed out the insulation, in the early days we did so because installing insulation is a nasty, scratchy job and more importantly the big companies could do the job for little more than what the cost of the insulation alone would be to us, economies of scale, FTW. I hear the insulation isn’t as itchy these days and sometimes they use the sprayed in fibrous and/or foamy stuff. Today it’s still cheaper to let the pros do it, plus we now have stricter standards on just how much insulation we need and we have to “prove” that we meet those standards. One “proves” this by submitting forms filled with calculations that I’d wager no one even checks2, but it’s in the file, so it’s all good. The insulation companies have people who fill out these forms, so we let them, it costs more but at least the homeowners know that their homes are nice and tight.

    Speaking of which, with the house wrapping, caulking every crack, and the better insulation, some areas started seeing “Sick Home Syndrome,” a situation where people would get sick simply from being in certain buildings too long. Turns out all these energy efficiency regulations were making homes too tight. The answer – require a pressure test and add air exchangers so the houses can breathe3. Government – breaking your legs so it can supply you with crutches.

    After the pink stuff comes the grey stuff.4 Drywall is another trade that we have always subbed out, apart from very small jobs it’s just not worth the hassle. In ’88 we used a couple of brothers who hung and finished the jobs themselves, they used hammers and nails but the screw guns were only a few years away. Most drywallers today seem to specialize in either finishing or hanging, the guy we use today doesn’t even employ hangers; he hires a crew that works for two or three other finishers. There are not many codes concerning drywall, we have to hang fire-rated boards on any walls between living spaces and garages but that’s about it.

    After the grey stuff comes the stuff that’s whatever color you want it to be5. In the early days I spread a lot of paint6 but as my skill/value in other areas increased it became wiser to sub out the painting and staining. Which isn’t to say that painting is easy and that any hillbilly can do it. In fact, one of the most conscientious tradesmen I have worked alongside of was our long-time painter and wood finisher. Outside of the exemption in footnote #57 there aren’t any codes regarding paint…yet, you can still paint your farmhouse kitchen some shade that’s almost blue or your imperial bedroom an off yellow. I don’t know much about the technological advances in paints; what I do know is that over thirty years the cost has skyrocketed. It could be market driven, but since most things seem to come down in price over time-unless artificially manipulated- my money is on government intervention. Admittedly, this is a personal bias; I’ll gladly defer to anyone with actual knowledge of the ins and outs of the paint game.

    Outside it’s time for siding, these days that means vinyl siding and cultured stone. For the first few houses, we used T-111 sheathing and later cedar. T-111 is cheap8 and the cedar expensive, both require maintenance, so vinyl and stone it is. Other than styles, not much has changed in siding; vertical is popular right now and they have some halfway decent looking fake shakes and stone products. The tools might have improved but the application is still the same, likewise with the stone; we’ve used the same masons for 25 years and they’ve always done things the same way.9

     

    The Big Finish

    From here on out it’s mostly cosmetics; technically all you need for the final/occupancy permit is a WC, hot water, and a kitchen sink. This is also about the time the owners start to get happy feet, the exterior is done and all the ‘big’ steps have been taken, but there is still plenty to do. I imagine if you had a big enough crew-or separate crews-installing cabinets, hanging doors, and trim, putting in the various floor coverings and such you could finish up quickly but we10 do all that stuff ourselves, so it’s going to take some time. Back when I did our electric, I would start with the lights and outlets, as it makes finishing easier when you don’t have to drag lights and extension cords everywhere.

    Other than carpeting, which one likes to install dead last, I like to get the hardwoods, laminates, and ceramic down next; saves having to undercut doors and work around cabinets. Styles and products have changed over the years, laminates are the most popular now, and they have improved a lot. People still like hardwood and ceramics, but the cost difference is substantial. After flooring I like to set the cabinets; they, too, have improved mostly in the hardware, soft close hinges, full extension drawers and such. Countertops are mostly granite or quartz, and those farmhouse apron sinks are all the rage. I use a laser to level the cabinets, and the countertops are digitized and cut on CNC machines.

    After the countertops are installed, the plumber can return and finish up, while I move on to hanging doors and trim. All these little things seem to go on forever, installing latch sets, door stops, towel bars, closet shelving, and the inevitable “favors” we do for the homeowners- hanging the wall mount TV brackets they bought or that big mirror and heavy pictures or the swinging porch chair… But then one day it’s done, the inspector can come by and stick his tester in a few outlets11, flush all the toilets and make sure the water at the sink is hot, but not too hot. We gather up any tools and materials still around and move on to the next job.

    I know this section comes across as sparse, but other than styles and aforementioned improvements in tools and products finishing, a house hasn’t changed all that much during my 30-year career. To make up for that here’s some argument-starting clickbait type opinion stated as fact.

    Every Tom Waits Album12 Ranked Worst to First.

    test
    Proof I’m not selling wolf tickets

    The Black Riders
    Blood Money
    Real Gone
    Foreign Affair
    Alice
    Closing Time
    The Heart of Saturday Night
    Franks Wild Years
    Bad As Me
    Small Change
    Bone Machine
    Nighthawks at the Diner
    Swordfishtrombones
    Raindogs
    Heartattack and Vine
    Mule Variations
    Blue Valentine

     

    That’s it for the penultimate part. Next time will be the last time. I’m going to attempt to wrap all this up with some observations about what all this has to do with libertarianism, or perhaps better said, how it has influenced my particular take on libertarianism. If you have any questions or would like more details about some particular area hit me up in the comments and I’ll endeavor to address those issues as well.

     

    1. Mainly trying to drink all the beer Riven sent me.
    2. Not one time have I seen an inspector refer to any of the various forms we must submit while he’s doing the inspecting
    3. Just like they used to.
    4. That might be a euphemism…I’m just not sure for what
    5. Except for outside, but I’ll get to that next time
    6. [waggles eyebrows]
    7. see footnote 5
    8. But not inexpensive.
    9. Recently retired, maybe the new masons will have new tricks.
    10. With Dad pushing 80 that really should be “I”
    11. Now, there’s a euphemism!
    12. Yes, Nighthawks is technically a live album, but since it’s all original songs (aside from the Red Sovine cover) that aren’t on any other studio albums I include it here.

  • “THE STEVE SMITH SANCTION” – The Conclusion

    Hapless bunch of …
    They are used to useless circling in the Hague.
    @#$% missed the turn…now I have to circle back.

    OK, here I am. Just going to have to wait it out. Sure hope this dart with the neurotoxin is enough to take down STEVE SMITH. If not, there will be one less fondue miner laboring for the Swiss…

    Wait a minute – there is a nice little shadowy spot. I think I will try there.

    Perfect.

    Wait a mimute…there is someone in the shadows! Limping?

    “You are walking with a limp.” I readied the dart.

    Instead of a roar or STEVE SMITH TALK, I get “I am 2 months from 90 and have had 3 back operations…of course I am limping, jongen!”

    “Dad?!”

    “Oh goody, you retain some wits about you.”

    “So it was you…what was with all the hints?”

    “Those were the places I lived in 1951-1953 when I started medical school. Figured the only way to get you there was via STEVE SMITH.”

    “That isn’t fair!”

    “It worked, ja?”

    “…ja vader.”

    “Oh, jongen even remembers some Nederlands. I trust the lesson has been learned?”

    “Ja. Listen to father and stay away from the SMITHS.”

    “Correct, jongen. Time to go home now. Nostalgia is fine, but our family left here for numerous reasons. Busybody bunch of…”

    THE END