Well, it’s another goyishe shabbat, so the poor Jew is stuck doing the work. And because news declines in interest even faster than dead fish, there’s an ephemeral vibe. None of this will be remembered a week from now. This elates and depresses me simultaneously.
Ditto today’s birthdays, a delightful mix of heroism and villainy. Starting with hero Ludwig van Beethoven (without whom Schroeder and Alex would be NOTHING!); popular fraud (though some claim dupe) Margaret Mead; one of my great childhood inspirations and favorite novelist Arthur C. Clarke; money-grubber and supreme merchant of dishonesty Morris Dees; darling of baseball card collectors, Billy “Fuck Face” Ripken; and beloved football great William “The Refrigerator” Perry.
Eleven people have died after eating rice that had likely been contaminated with a toxic substance at a Hindu temple ceremony, a health official said Saturday. Another 29 people were critically ill and undergoing emergency treatment across various hospitals in Mysore, a city in the state of Karnataka. The patients were being treated for vomiting, diarrhoea and respiratory distress.
According to the police, devotees had gathered in large numbers at the Kicchukatti Maramma temple for the consecration ceremony on Friday, after which rice was served as a sanctified offering. Murugappa, a devotee who was present at the temple, said they were offered tomato rice and flavoured water. “A foul smell was emanating from the food, but those at the head of the queue consumed the food nonetheless,” he was quoted as saying by the NDTV news network. “A little while later they started vomiting and frothing at the mouth.”
Hmm, I’m thinking of making biryani for dinner tonight. What could go wrong?
In 2019, Congress will be too busy investigating Trump to get anything done. Trump will be too busy dealing with investigations to get anything done. I call this a win.
The mounting inquiries are building into a cascade of legal challenges that threaten to dominate Trump’s third year in the White House. In a few weeks, Democrats will take over in the House and pursue their own investigations into all of the above – and more. House Democrats may eventually seek to impeach Trump. But, for now, removing him from office appears unlikely: It would require the support of two-thirds of the Senate, which is controlled by Republicans.
However, there has been one immediate impact on a president accustomed to dictating the country’s news cycles but who now struggles to keep up with them: Trump has been forced to spend his political capital – and that of his party – on his defense. As the bad news has rolled in, the president has cut back his public schedule. He spent more time than usual in his official residence this week, with more than two dozen hours of unstructured “executive time,” said a person familiar with his schedule.
[Congresschimp-elect Rashida] Tlaib will fill the seat formerly occupied by Democratic Rep. John Conyers, who left office last year amid accusations of sexual misconduct. She ran unopposed in the general election following her August primary win in Michigan’s 13th Congressional District.
Following that win, Tlaib appeared at a celebration rally where she was draped in a Palestinian flag and her mother broke out in ululation, a high-pitched vocal sound many Middle Eastern women make in celebration.
[Tinley Park v]illage officials are considering ways to regulate short-term home rentals after a recent wedding party at one such house featured drummers and bagpipers, as well as a horse being paraded down the street, according to a police report.
There were no arrests or charges lodged, but the incident report noted 40 cars in the cul-de-sac parked haphazardly, with some blocking fire hydrants as well as a livestock trailer that was partly obstructing the street. Party attendees left without further incident after police arrived, according to the report.
Two observations: if a woman says she’s been fantasizing about her dream wedding since she was a little girl… RUN. And the sure way to avoid neighbor complaints about loud partiesd is to invite them.
Many people voted against Hillary Clinton because of her Obama-like irresistible urges to mire us in every shit-ass conflict in the Middle East that she can. Trump has done soooo much better.
President Donald Trump indicated in March that the troops would be brought home once the battle is won, and the latest military push to eject the group from its final pocket of territory recently got underway. In September, however, the administration switched course, saying the troops will stay in Syria pending an overall settlement to the Syrian war and with a new mission: to act as a bulwark against Iran’s expanding influence.
The Pentagon does not say how many troops are there. Officially, they number 503, but earlier this year an official let slip that the true number may be closer to 4,000.
Repeat after me: the only difference between Team Red and Team Blue is the color of their ties.
I hope you’re sitting down. This is going to be the most shocking thing you’ve ever heard. Prepared? OK… here goes: Lizzy Warren isn’t an Indian.
“As a country, we need to stop pretending that the same doors open for everyone, because they don’t,” she said during a commencement speech at Morgan State University in Baltimore, according to the Washington Post.
“I’m not a person of color,” she continued. “And I haven’t lived your life or experienced anything like the subtle prejudice, or more overt harm, that you may have experienced just because of the color of your skin.”
Where is my fainting couch? Is there NOTHING a person can count on these days?
Old Guy Music! Normally, dinosaur get-togethers bore and annoy me. And this is probably boring and annoying, but… as a teenager, I loved Jethro Tull and King Crimson. So this pairing, unimaginable at that time, just gave me the flutters.
I’ve checked the list twice. Some of you, naughty, some of you nice. (Some of you with terrible taste, but that’s another post.)
Wherever you fall on the Santa Worthiness Index, next week you are receiving a week of…SugarFree! He has been hard at work crafting a very special treat/punishment for you:
“A Hat and Hair Special Event: A Christmas Donald.”
This Event will run Monday through Friday at 1100. You’ve been warned! Surf the site during lunch at your peril!
Of course, you’ll also receive links from Banjos, Brett L, OMWC and perhaps others. Not Adahn kicks off your week with the IFLA forecast, and Nephilium continues his brewing series, FINALLY getting around to beer.
Your fellow Glibs A Leap at the Wheel, Plisade, I.B. McGinty, and banginglc1 will also be supplying great content for your evening edification and delight. The week wraps up with a review/not a review from mexicansharpshooter.
Alrighty then! On to the ever popular Saturday Night Open Post!
Give me yesterday’s bread, this day’s flesh, and last year’s cider. (B. Franklin)
Most Americans have no idea what cider really is or its place in American history. The founding fathers brought apple trees and presses from England to the colonies. Everyone drank cider – morning, noon, and night – including children who drank watered-down cider. Apple trees and cider-making followed the settlers to the west. Nearly every homestead produced apples and cider.
The industrial revolution was the beginning of the end for cider consumption in America. As the population moved into cites, it became difficult to distribute cider in large enough quantities to serve the population. German immigrants in the mid-1800s brought beer-making processes and technologies to America that allowed for large-scale production of lagers. City-dwellers became beer drinkers, and cider-drinking was relegated to the country bumpkins. Prohibition killed what was left of cider production in the America. Orchards across the country ripped out cider apple trees and replaced them with eating apples and culinary apples. Now that cider is making a resurgence, orchards are frantically replanting cider apple varieties, but they are not keeping up with demand.
So, what is the difference between eating apples, culinary apples, and cider apples. Modern eating apples are basically just bags of sugar water with enough acid to keep them from being cloyingly sweet. They are crunchy and extremely juicy, which is desirable in an eating apple. But these juicy apples, actually have fairly low concentrations of sugar in the juice (typically about 10% sugar by weight). And, they don’t have much in the way of distinctive flavors. When you ferment away the sugar, you are left with modest alcohol levels (5% ABV) and bland flavors. Culinary apples are used for cooking or baking. Both tend to be high in acid. This provides sharpness to balance the sugar that is added during cooking and baking. Culinary apples can be used to make cider as they increase the acid level in the final product.
Cider apples generally fall into four categories based upon the relative levels of acid and tannin in each variety. If you are a wine geek, you understand that acid and tannin provide the structure and determine the mouthfeel of a wine. Acid and tannin serve the same purpose in cider. Acid makes your mouth water and conveys crispness in the product. Tannin provides bitterness and astringency (makes your mouth feel dry and sticky).
The most common cider apples were developed in England and France starting in the 1600s and continuing into the 1800s. The flesh of these apples is course and chewy, but it releases juice better than a modern apple when being pressed. The apples tend to be drier (less juicy) than modern apples, but they have much higher concentrations of sugar. Cider apples have complex, earthy flavors that are more intense than modern apples. These flavors carry over into the final product.
Sweet apples. These apples produce juice with very high concentrations of sugar – upwards of 19% sugar by weight (Brix). If fermented to dryness, this will produce alcohol levels to nearly 11% ABV.
Sharp apples. These apples produce juice with very high concentrations of malic acid, but relatively low levels of tannin. Sharp cider apples are similar to culinary apples, and some varieties of apples are used for both purposes.
Bittersweet apples. These apples produce high levels of both sugar and tannin. These apples also provide the classic cider flavor in traditional English and French ciders.
Bittersharp apples. These apples product high levels of both acid and tannin.
True cider apples are commonly referred to as “spitters”. They are either so tart or so tannic that you spit them out if you take a bite. One book on cider making from the 1800s stated that the best cider apples were so harsh the neighbors wouldn’t steal them and the pigs wouldn’t eat them when they fell on the ground.
Generally, cider is made from a blend of all four types of cider apples with roughly 40% from sweet apples, 30% from sharp apples, 20% from bittersweet apples, and 10% from bittersharp apples. The primary purpose of the sweet apple is to provide sugar for making alcohol. The sharp apples provide the acid for crispness, and the two types of bitter apples provide the tannin which completes the mouthfeel of the cider. A well-made cider is dry, acidic, and tannic. It has more in common with a dry red wine than the alcoholic soda pop that dominates the market right now.
It is rare for a cider to be made from a single variety of apple, but it can be done. Single-variety apple ciders typically use some variety of bittersharp apple which has all the necessary ingredients to make a balanced finish product – high sugar levels, high acid, high tannin levels, and complex flavors. Any single-variety apple cider you see on the market will be from a bittersharp apple (e.g., Kingston Black).
So, what are the options for a home cidermaker:
Become really good friends with someone that grows cider apples and will share them with you instead of selling all of them into the commercial marketplace (or keeping all of them for themselves).
Plant your own trees and wait (I planted in 2014. I should be getting apples soon).
Make do with alternatives from your local orchard.
Learn to make cyser (apple mead – subject of a future article).
Seriously, don’t go there. The soft cider that you buy in the grocery store or at your local orchard is generally a blend of juices from modern eating apples. It is sweet and barely tart. If you ferment it, the sweet will be gone, and what is left will be bland.
The rest of this article is focused on option 3) above – making do with the apples you can find in your local orchard.
This means buying fresh apples, crushing the apples, and pressing out the juice. You need apples that provide complex flavors.
Focus on heirloom varieties, particularly classic apple-pie apples – varieties that originated 100 years ago or more. These apples will be in the neglected part of the orchard. No one wants these apples, but the owner of the orchard hasn’t pulled them out yet (it’s not really that bad, but it has some resemblance to reality). Old apple varieties tend to have rich earthy flavors that are clearly “apple”, but still “different” from anything you are used to. Modern eating apples are pale in comparison to heirlooms. The texture of these apples is weird. They do not crunch. They are chewy and even a bit rubbery. It is off-putting if you grew up on red delicious and have moved on to Galas or Honeycrisp.
The next apples you want are crabapples. Really. Every commercial orchard has crabapples. These apples produce vast amounts of pollen and are in bloom for a long time. Thus, they are valued as great pollinators in orchards. But orchards will grow crabs that are useful for other purposes as well – mostly for making jellies and jams. Some crab apples are sweet, but many are very high in acid.
The good news is you can make great cider without access to classic cider apples.
The bad news is that not all apples blend well together. The first year I got serious about making cider, I worked with 15 different varieties of apples. In the end, I made 6 different blends. Two were great (I kept those for myself); two were good (I gave those to good friends); and two were OK (those became party booze – make it sweet; put it in a keg; the drunks love it). A lot of experimentation is required. The best blend that I made included roughly equal parts of cider made from Whitney Crab (sweet yellow crabapple), Spartan (child of McIntosh, red with white flesh and wine-like flavor), Rhode Island Greening (one of the two oldest varieties in America, green with yellowish flesh, outstanding apple-pie apple), and Dolgo Crab (red with white flesh, shockingly sour, but actually has the highest sugar concentration of all the apples used that year).
To make things more complicated, apples harvest anywhere from early August to late October. The apples you most care about don’t harvest at the same time. Crabs typically harvest in early August and heirloom apple-pie apples harvest in October. This means you make cider from individual varieties and then blend them some time later.
Now to walk through the process of making of a single batch of Dolgo Crab Apple Cider.
You will need two crucial pieces of equipment – something to crush apples and something to press the juice out of the crushed apples. There are many different configurations of crushers and presses. Apple crushers have fingers that shred apples and grinders have blades that do the same. It’s a bad idea to run your hand through either one of them. Vertical basket presses are the lowest cost style of press to start with and come in two basic configurations – a grape/wine press or an apple/cider press. Either will do the job. They look similar but are different. The T-handled apple press can be used without nailing it to the ground. The wine press must be fixed in place or it will turn in circles as you crank on the handle (foreshadowing amusing photos in the upcoming wine article).
Apple Crusher in Home-Built Stand
Whether you use a crusher or a grinder, the basic process is to put apples in the hopper and turn the crank. I have a hand-cranked crusher. With a little ingenuity, this can be converted into a motorized crusher. The next one I buy, when the orchard is producing, will be motorized.
Dolgo Crab Apples in the Hopper
Dolgo crab apples are about the size of a large cherry. They run through the crusher with ease. The fingers on the crusher are quite small. So, any apple bigger than these crab apples needs to be cut into halves or quarters depending on how big they are. While this seems like extra work, it means you get a chance to examine each apple and discard any that show signs of spoilage.
Dolgo Crab Apples after Crushing
When you turn the crank, the fingers inside the crusher shred the apples. The shredded apples fall out of the bottom of the crusher and into a bucket. From here, the apples go into the press. There is one serious problem to contend with when using a vertical basket. The juice must flow from the apples in the middle of the basket to the outside where gaps between the slats allow juice to exit the basket. Unfortunately, crushed apples (and grapes for that matter) are basically slimy little pieces of fruit covered in sticky juice. When you squeeze two fruit pieces together, they form a water-tight seal. So, juice that is in the middle of the basket can’t get out. The solution to this problem is to mix rice hulls into the crushed fruit (all-grain brewers will be familiar with this trick). The rice hulls act like little straws providing channels between the pieces of fruit so that juice can flow between the pieces even under high pressure.
Standard Vertical Basket Apple Press
A couple of important notes. First, all apples oxidize; some faster than others. If you cut an apple in half and leave it on the counter, the exposed flesh will turn brown. If you crush and press fresh apples, the juice will turn brown as you watch. This is concerning to a beginning cidermaker, because, in almost all cases in brewing, oxidation is a bad thing. However, in cider, oxidation is a key part of the flavor profile of the finished product. And much of the browning will be reversed during fermentation thus yielding the classic yellow-gold color of cider. Note that heat also produces browning (ask the food geeks at Glibs about the Maillard reaction). So, pasteurization of apple juice can contribute to browning. But the browning due to pasteurization does not produce desirable flavors and will not be reversed during fermentation.
Second, I learned the hard way to line the wooden basked with screening material (I now buy screen door repair fabric at the hardware store). If you don’t line the basket, pulp and seed will be squeezed into the spaces between the wooden slats. This is a pain to clean up afterward.
Primary Fermentation
One of the nifty features of Dolgo crab apples is the red pigment in the skins will rub off on your hands. It is also highly soluble. This results in pink colored juice running out of the press. I sliced the skins off a dozen or so apples and put them into the primary to enhance the color. Normally, I add oak cubes to secondary fermentation, but for this batch, I added medium toast French oak cubes in the primary. The cider was fermented with an English ale yeast (Wyeast 1318 London III). Note the primary is a Rubbermaid Brute which has a loose-fitting lid. There is no need for an airtight seal during primary fermentation.
Secondary Fermentation
After a week or so in the primary, the cider was racked to a 6 ½ gallon glass carboy. An airtight seal is provided by a rubber bung with a S-shaped airlock. It appears that I carried over the oak cubes from the primary because a week really isn’t long enough exposure for cubes. This is the time when a bacterial culture is introduced to the product to perform malo-lactic fermentation – the conversion of malic acid to lactic acid (the acid found in milk). This fermentation takes two or three months.
At some point, this batch of Dolgo cider was mixed with other batches of cider. Fining agents were used to clarify the blended cider (I really like Super Kleer). After it cleared, it was bottle conditioned by adding 1 ounce of raw cane sugar per gallon of product and bottling in beer bottles. This resulted in a sparkling, semi-dry cider.
Sometimes I keg and force carbonate. This allows the cider to be back sweetened and stabilized with potassium sorbate. The resulting product can be semi-sweet or sweet depending upon the target audience for the kegged product (party booze generally needs to be sweet, because there aren’t enough educated cider drinkers out there).
There are other major issues to consider.
Brewers will generally work with three types of acid in fruits: citric acid from citrus fruits (and many types of berries); tartaric acid from grapes; and malic acid from apples (and also many types of berries and grapes). For any given acid concentration, malic acid has the harshest flavor and mouth feel. Lactic acid has a much smoother flavor and mouth feel. Converting the malic acid in cider to lactic acid makes the product softer and smoother even at high acid levels (this is commonly done in a lot of red wine styles as well). So, malo-lactic fermentation provides great benefits to cider, but it comes with a significant risk.
The bacteria that convert malic acid to lactic acid are highly susceptible to potassium metabisulfite (sulfite) which is used to protect against spoilage organisms like Brettanomyces. And Brett lives everywhere. It is on the skins of fresh fruit. When you crush and press fresh fruit to make cider or wine, it is in the juice. It is essential to add sulfite to the fresh juice to kill spoilage organisms at the start of fermentation. Sulfite also works to prevent or reverse oxidation. When you put small amounts of sulfite into highly oxidized apple juice, it will chemically interact with the oxygen and become neutralized (read a book on wine chemistry if you care about the details). Thus, the amount of free sulfite in the juice drops quickly (this is complicated and could be the topic on a stand-alone article).
The goal is to introduce enough sulfite into the fresh juice to kill the spoilage organisms present on the fresh fruit, but at a low enough rate that there will be no free sulfite left by the end of primary fermentation. You can then rack into a secondary, pitch malo-lactic bacteria, and wait for 2 or 3 months for the bacteria to work while hoping your sanitation was good enough so that you didn’t introduce any new spoilage organisms going from primary to secondary. And the mathematical formula for getting that right is – I have no idea.
My process, which has worked so far, is to prepare a 1-quart spray bottle with a solution of 1 tsp of sulfite and 1 tsp of citric acid (sulfite works best in high acid solutions). I press juice into a small bucket. When the small bucket is full, I pour it into a large bucket and spray the juice with a couple of squirts of sulfite solution. Then I cover the large bucket with a lid while I continue to press juice. Eventually, all the juice is poured into a primary fermenter which was sanitized by spraying it down with the same sulfite solution. This seems to get enough sulfite into the juice to prevent spoilage while not carrying enough sulfite into the secondary to inhibit malo-lactic fermentation. After a couple of months of malo-lactic fermentation, I add about ¼ tsp of sulfite to each carboy. This will prevent spoilage during long-term aging.
About a week ago it finally happened. People in my office began to celebrate the holidays. First it was the fake, pre-lit tree they couldn’t assemble, and the one person in the office that knew I used to be an electrician ran me down as I walked in. So I assembled it. More irritating was they decorated my cube with a poinsettia.
This is my review of Ridgeway Brewing Bad Elf Winter Ale
But first! I thought I called last call for BIF. Apparently, that is meaningless like most of the rules here. The problem is, this last one is something I should probably put on it own, so I’ll put it on its own later, because it’s a good story. Thats right, f*** it. We’ll do it live.
The plant in question hasn’t always been a staple around the holidays. It smells pretty neutral, doesn’t really need a lot of watering. Its just got red and green leaves, but there’s more to the Poinsettia. Much, much more.
The plant itself is indigenous to Southern Mexico and was originally cultivated by the Aztecs to make a dyes. Later the plant’s sap was discovered to make latex. That’s right—Mexicans gave you the material to make condoms, rubber bands, and a slew of other stretchy things. Let thet soak in for a second.
If not for the efforts of Joel Poinsett, Americans may not know or care for the plant at all. Poinsett was the first Ambassador to Mexico and appointed by James Madison. He had a thing for botany, which given the absurd number of people that grow vegetables to decompress from the modern world, doesn’t sound all that unusual. He happened to like the plant and sent several back to his home in South Carolina.
Pepita, a poor Mexican girl who had no gift to present the Christ Child at Christmas Eve Services. As Pepita walked slowly to the chapel with her cousin Pedro, her heart was filled with sadness rather than joy. I am sure, Pepita, that even the most humble gift, if given in love, will be acceptable in His eyes,” said Pedro consolingly.
Not knowing what else to do, Pepita knelt by the roadside and gathered a handful of common weeds, fashioning them into a small bouquet. Looking at the scraggly bunch of weeds, she felt more saddened and embarrassed than ever by the humbleness of her offering. She fought back a tear as she entered the small village chapel.
As she approached the altar, she remembered Pedro’s kind words: “Even the most humble gift, if given in love, will be acceptable in His eyes.” She felt her spirit lift as she knelt to lay the bouquet at the foot of the nativity scene. Suddenly, the bouquet of weeds burst into blooms of brilliant red, and all who saw them were certain that they had witnessed a Christmas miracle right before their eyes.
From that day on, the bright red flowers were known as the Flores de Noche Buena, or Flowers of the Holy Night, for they bloomed each year during the Christmas season and thus, the legend of the poinsettia was born.
Its a miracle! In 1851, Congress would later declare December 12 to be National Poinsettia Day. Why do that? Turns out Poinsett was a pretty big deal. He only helped found the Smithsonian.
This beer isn’t too bad. Its a traditional English ale, with a bit of spiciness as a twist. Not a bad combo but ultimately left me searching for that hated bananna flavored residue from the yeast they use over there. Eventually I found it. Ridgeway Brewing Bad Elf Winter Ale 3.0/5
After a week of frustrating burial in large-company bureaucracy (year end means HR nightmares and much cursing of Workday), the Old Man emerges to throw links to the Glibertariat. Sorry, these will be news and not collections of titty pics of highly photoshopped and siliconed duck-lipped millennials. Others will no doubt step into the breach.
Today’s notable birthdays include brilliant physicist Freeman Dyson (whom everyone should read about- a true iconoclast, and one of the two most egregious snubs for a Nobel, the other being Henry Eyring); funnyman Tim Conway (SP and I saw his one-man show a few years ago and were in awe of his talent); Max Yasgur of Woodstock fame; and biophysicist and Nobelist Maurice Wilkins, whose work in X-ray diffraction was the key to elucidating the famed double helix structure of DNA.
The case against the ACA was brought by 20 Republican state attorneys general and governors, as well as two individuals. It revolves around Congress effectively eliminating the individual mandate penalty by reducing it to $0 as part of the 2017 tax cut bill. The mandate requires nearly all Americans to get health insurance or pay a penalty.
The Republican coalition, led by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, is arguing that the change rendered the mandate itself unconstitutional. The states say that the voiding of the penalty, which takes effect next year, removes the legal underpinning the Supreme Court relied upon when it upheld the law in 2012 under Congress’ tax power.
I can only wonder what contortions Bush-souvenir John Roberts will undertake to preserve this insane government overreach. But I have confidence that he’s a smart guy who will creatively figure out another way to screw us.
Australian animals are weirder than we can imagine. And likely going extinct, as befits creatures created by Yahweh after finishing a six pack of Foster’s.
It sports a green mohican, fleshy finger-like growths under its chin and can breathe through its genitals. Gill-like organs within its cloaca – an orifice used by reptiles for excretion and mating – enable it to stay underwater for up to three days.
“For Sale: Lightly used $1,000,000,000 stadium. Occupant has been a team that only has success in breaking the hearts of the fans. Long history of collecting talent with no ideas on how to use them. Included: $84 million QB who can’t win against teams with winning records, and is 0-7 on MNF. A league record! All reasonable offers considered. Will even entertain ideas to convert to a homeless shelter, as there is a greater chance of one of those folk becoming a success.”
A picture of a dumpster fire was also added to the listing.
It’s a good thing those folks are so polite; this could have been much worse.
There are several causes of hidden hunger in developed countries. The consumption of cheap, energy dense, nutritionally poor and heavily processed foods, particularly by poorer members of society, is a major factor. Even when fresh produce is consumed, there appears to be fewer micronutrients available than was once the case. This is due to issues such as soil health, caused by poor agricultural management and climate change.
The rapidly growing trend of veganism is likely to become another major contributor to hidden hunger in the developed world.
Climate Change and veganism- threats to our existence.
The flight took the organ on ice from a courier at Sacramento International Airport bound for Seattle where the heart’s valve tissue was set to be used. But like a mishandled bag, the heart was mistakenly kept on the connecting flight to Dallas instead of being taken out of the cargo hold.
Trust me, if this were United or American, that thing would still be there, rotting away.
“This case of John of God is really emblematic because he’s someone who is known internationally,” said Carolina Vicentin, one of the co-founders of the Brazilian feminist magazine AzMina. “But this type of thing is not unusual. The problem is that women are deterred from making accusations.”
Consulted by Brazilian presidents and lauded by international celebrities, including Oprah Winfrey, Faria established himself as the country’s pre-eminent healer, offering surgery to the sick guided only by spirits. The medium visited [President Michel] Temer in hospital last year, while former president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva sought his assistance during his treatment for cancer.
While it’s wonderful that his “career” fleecing and killing the gullible and stupid may be ending, it’s shitty that this is the only sort of thing that can accomplish that laudable end.
Lab-grown meat has sparked a debate among rabbis in Israel about whether cell-cultured is the same as conventional meat and should fall under the same guidelines for keeping kosher. “There is a disagreement about it and there is a conversation. Also, definitely, there are new questions about lab-meat,” says Rabbi Yuval Cherlow, an expert on kosher tradition and bioethics.
Whenever someone says “there is a conversation,” you know they mean “monologue.”
Old Guy Music today features another birthday boy- the great and innovative big band leader Stan Kenton. And some really creepy dancing.
“THIS YEAR’S CHRISTMAS PRESENT IS….THE GIFT OF THE GUN!”
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ IS BUSY WITH PLANNING THE VORTEX CHRISTMAS PARTY. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ZARDOZ’S DECORATIONS?
JINGLE GUNS, JINGLE GUNS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY… OH WHAT FUN WE’LL HAVE TONIGHT CLEANSING THE BRUTALS WE WILL SLAY!
HO, HO, HO…GO FORTH AND KILL!
ADVICE – THIS WEEK, THE BRUTAL “ASK AMY” IS DISMANTLED AND HUMILIATED BY THE SUPERIOR QUALITY OF ZARDOZ’S ADVICE.
Q: Since last year, I’ve been asking my wife to take a different approach to the holidays, and to just focus on our small immediate family. Every year, without fail, there’s some major disappointment, family conflict or travel debacle, typically with her extended family. She walks away exhausted, angry, frustrated or hurt. Last year, she said she was “done” after a big fight between her aunt and cousin that got very heated. She says she does not want them around, but she feels obligated to host these big family holiday parties, because otherwise, they would not see one another.
My wife finally said she was not going to host this year. I was thrilled and told her we would find ways to make it special for us and our son.
Amy, how can I get my wife to understand “quality” over “quantity” with familial relationships? I don’t want to see her in this constant cycle of anxiety and stress.
What do you recommend?
— Anxious Husband
A: WEAKLING! WHY ARE YOU PASSING ON THIS GREAT OPPORTUNITY? INVITE THE ENTIRE FAMILY. ONCE AT THE PARTY, ARM EVERYONE – WHEN THE INEVITABLE ARGUMENTS BREAK OUT, THE CLEANSING WILL BEGIN! IF YOUR BRUTAL RELATIVES ARE TOO SLOW TO BEGIN SHOOTING EACH OTHER, STIR THINGS UP A BIT – PERHAPS A COMMENT ABOUT AUNT BARBARA SAYING THAT COUSIN MIKE WAS A WORTHLESS DRUNK. OR THAT BROTHER IN LAW FRED SAID THAT MILLIE’S DAUGHTER WAS DRESSED LIKE A WHORE.
FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY
GO FORTH AND SH!T STIR! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SHAKES HIS STONE HEAD AT THE BRUTAL CITY OF CHICAGO. THEY APPEAR TO HAVE A LARGE NUMBER OF BRUTALS RUNNING TO BE RULER. AND THEY ARE BEHAVING POORLY. ALTHOUGH HE WOULD PREFER OPEN VIOLENCE, ZARDOZ IS AMUSED.
THIS STORY LACKS ANY HINT OF THE CLEANSING OF BRUTALS, WAR OR SUCH. “ANGRY SPINSTER YELLS AT OLD DRUNK”… ZARDOZ IS DISAPPOINT.
WELL, IT APPEARS ZARDOZ HAS FOUND SOME BRUTALS HE WILL NOT RECRUIT INTO THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS. HOW CAN YOU USE “LIVE AMMUNITION” AND YET “NO INJURIES WERE REPORTED.” MAYBE THE BRUTALS IN CHICAGO SHOULD FOLLOW THIS EXAMPLE, AND RANSACK AND SET ALIGHT THEIR RULERS’ OFFICES.
In 1846, Sam Colt found a young man from Texas knocking at his door. That young man, Captain Samuel Walker, was on a mission; he wanted Sam Colt to return to the business of making revolvers.
At this time Colonel Colt was engaged, as noted in Part 1, in manufacturing underwater electrical cable, tinfoil and marine mines. Captain Walker wanted revolvers for the new-born Republic of Texas, but he didn’t want a rebirth of the .36 caliber Paterson. He wanted a big, heavy, powerful revolver; a revolver for horsemen. He wanted a dragoon pistol.
Sam Colt was apparently interested, because he sat down to create Captain Walker’s desires in steel. The result of this process was the sidearm that first defined the form of the modern sixgun. The 1847 Colt Walker held six loads rather than five, and the big cylinder, while described as a .44, was actually a .45, taking a .457 round or conical ball over as much as 60 grains of FFFG black powder. The gun further had a hinged, attached rammer for reloading and a fixed trigger and trigger guard. This was not only the first modern-form sixgun but also the first magnum revolver, as the big cylinder and the heavy .457 ball packed quite a wallop.
A few years back I had the pleasure of firing a replica Walker. It was an interesting piece to handle, but sure as hell not a quick-draw piece. The Walker Colt is long, heavy and cumbersome, but it’s important to remember what the Walker was designed for; it is a dragoon pistol. It was designed for horsemen, to be carried my mounted riflemen (dragoons.) Some Walkers as well as the later dragoon models were adapted to be fitted with shoulder stocks but making the revolver a carbine presents the same problem that led to the demise of revolving rifles in general; the cylinder gap has a distinct tendency to vent hot gases and, if a gun is ill-timed, to spit the occasional lead shaving. None of this is good for the shooter’s non-firing arm.
The Colt Walker was effective but less than perfect. Poor metallurgy in the early guns led to problems with ruptured cylinders, and the weak loading lever latch often led to the rammer dropping under recoil, jamming the gun up and preventing a fast follow-up shot. In the end, this led to only 1,100 Walker revolvers being built. These problems did, however, led to the next step in Colt sixgun development only a year after the advent of the Walker.
The Dragoons
Unknown Union soldier with a brace of Dragoons.
A martial pistol must be powerful, reliable and tough; the Walker was powerful, but fell a bit short on the other two aspects. So, what started with the Walker revolver led to several developments and refinements in the basic dragoon pistol. There were four primary variants of the Dragoon revolvers:
The First Model Dragoon, made from 1848 to 1850, with oval cylinder stops, a square-backed trigger guard, and no wheel on the hammer where it rode on the mainspring.
The Second Model Dragoon, made from 1850 to 1851, with rectangular cylinder stops and a square-backed trigger guard. The first few hundred Second Models had the old V-type mainspring and no wheel on the hammer; later guns had the flat mainspring that would persist in Colt revolvers for many decades, along with a wheel on the hammer where it rode on the mainspring.
The Third Model Dragoon, made from 1851 to 1860, with rectangular cylinder stops and a rounded trigger guard. Colt played around with the Third Model more than the others, producing some with folding leaf sights on the barrel, cuts for shoulder stocks, and so on.
The 1848 Baby Dragoon, a small .31 caliber pocket revolver. This was later refined into the 1849 Pocket Revolver, which was popular among gold-seekers, gamblers and outlaws as a hideaway gun.
The various Dragoon pistols were popular but even the Third Model still weighed in at a tad over four pounds. There was obviously a market for a lighter, handier gun, more along the weight of the old Paterson guns but more modern and reliable. That led to the development of an icon among cap-and-ball sixguns, the Colt Navy.
The Colt Navy Revolvers
My first sixgun was a replica of the 1851 Navy Colt, which is widely regarded as the best-handling sixgun made. I see little reason to doubt that assessment based on my own experience. My Navy had the standard 7 ½” barrel and a brass frame. Back in my youth in Allamakee County I did a fair amount of fast-draw and reflex shooting practice, drawing and firing from an old drop belt from which the cartridge loops had been removed and a Mexican loop holster. That Colt was excellent for such things, smooth, light and slick as a snake. I shot it with .380 round lead balls and 30 grains of FFFG in paper cartridges I made myself. I got so I could draw and place six rounds in a regular paper plate at 15 yards very quickly, and with the paper cartridges and a brass capper could reload and recap efficiently, usually having the old gun back in action in about a minute. I carried the capper on a string around my neck, paper cartridges in an old tobacco tin and generally toted the old Navy around with me on many of my adventures in woods and fields.
Colt Navy.
There was a down side that resulted in my eventually discarding that old sixgun, and that was the brass frame. With every shot that steel cylinder hammered back into that soft brass frame, eventually deforming the frame to the point where I reckoned the old piece unsafe to shoot. I had a couple of friends who were in a local theater group, so I seated some balls in the empty cylinder, hammered a few balls into the barrel and removed the nipples to render the gun useless, then gave it to them as a prop gun. I would like to have another of these guns, but when the day comes for me to find another cap and ball gun, it will be a steel frame version. Brass frame replicas are still common on the gun market as flies in a barn, but I can’t recommend them for the reasons described above.
Back in the day the Navy Colts were very popular. The well-equipped cowpoke, lawman or gun twist frequently carried a brace of them in saddle holsters in addition to his belt gun; in the famous Charles Portis book True Grit, in that renowned final charge, it was with a brace of Navy Colts from saddle holsters that Marshal Cogburn engaged the four bad men, not the SAA Colt and ‘92 Winchester wielded by John Wayne in the movie.
Ten years after the first Navy Colts were made, the Colt works brought out the ultimate Navy, that being the streamlined 1861 Navy, also in .36 caliber, with an improved “creeping” loading lever and the added loading clearance introduced in the .44 Army Colt of 1860. There was also a miniature variant, the 1861 Pocket Navy, later refined into the 1862 Pocket Police, both small-framed .31 caliber revolvers.
The Root Sidehammer
Colt Root Sidehammer Patent Drawing
The Root Side-hammer Colt, designed by Colt engineer Elisha K. Root, was in some ways a better design than the traditional versions; its solid frame was stouter, and the rear sight was on the frame rather than on the hammer nose. The Root revolver, introduced in 1855, was popular among officers on both sides in the Civil War, but it was a real pipsqueak, manufactured only in .28 and .32 calibers
The 1860 Army Colt
What many consider the ultimate expression of the Colt cap and ball revolver was introduced in 1860, just in time for the Civil War or, as Mrs. Animal calls it, the War of the Northern Aggression.
In many ways the 1860 Army combined the best of both worlds. It was a much lighter and handier arm than the Dragoon pistols, and with it’s .44 caliber loads packed more punch than the Navy guns. It was a fine, well-crafted, well-balanced piece, handicapped only by it’s open-topped frame and the odd placement of rear sight on the hammer nose. This was perhaps the ultimate development of the Colt cap-and-ball revolver. Its grip shape was so admirably suited to being fired accurately one-handed, even from horseback, carried over to the famous Colt Single Action Army and remains in use on the vast majority of single-action sixguns made today. The use of a rebated cylinder allowed for the use of the same size frame as the Navy revolvers frame and kept the gun’s weight to about two and a half pounds.
The Colt 1860 Army.
As with the Walker and Navy revolvers, it has been my pleasure to handle a few Army Colts, most replicas but notably one original, although we didn’t fire the original. The Army Colt is a pleasure to handle, heavy by modern standards but the big sixgun points naturally, barrel rise under recoil is controllable, and the rotation of the curved grip in the hand brings the hammer spur nicely under the thumb, allowing for quick follow-up shots. The .44 round ball or conical bullet in front of 40 grains of FFFG packs a hearty punch. A few shooting sessions with one will bring home exactly why this was probably the most desired martial sidearm of its era.
And the demand for martial sidearms was about to explode.
And Then This Happened
Colt revolvers, especially the 1860 Army but also the Dragoon and Navy types, were soon in great demand as the War Between the States broke out. Sam Colt, having foreseen the great increase in demand, had expanded the factory and, when the southern states began to secede, sold at least 2,000 revolvers to Confederate military buyers, an act which nearly killed the company when the war was over. But what remains inarguable is the reason that the Colt revolvers were in demand by both Union and Confederate armies; they were tough, powerful, reliable sidearms, the state of the art for their day.
Sam Colt passed away in January of 1862, killed of all things by complications of gout. The appellation of Colonel was real, Sam Colt having received a commission from the state of Connecticut as commander of the 1st Regiment Colts Revolving Rifles of Connecticut. But that unit never took the field, and Colonel Colt was soon released from service. But the erstwhile Colonel Colt’s company was building thousands and thousands of Army revolvers and a variety of guns for the civilian market, they didn’t lack for competition. Plenty of people were getting in on the sixgun action, including America’s oldest surviving gunmaker, Remington, as well as plenty of others. We’ll talk about them in Part 3. Meanwhile, bigger things were afoot; about this time two men were set to change the world of sixguns forever. Those two men were Horace Smith and Daniel B. Wesson, and they had an idea and a patent. But that’s a story for Part 4!
Thistransmissionisidentified as C as in wiped with aCloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
DonottellHuma.
“What in the hell is that? A long, unidentifed, cigar shaped object in space?” Director Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan asked.
“That’s the best story we could come up with. Honestly, we don’t really know what we’re dealing with. It could just be a big rock.” His aide replied.
“A room full of STEM majors and we have no better explanation for what is probably just a rock? Why didn’t you just say it was a rock?”
“We have reason to belive it is not a rock, sir.”
“Who told you that?”
“I told him that.”
Director Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan turned to see a man appear as if out of nowhere in the corner of his office. He was wearing a cheap suit, typical of government types with a dingy white shirt and a black tie. He carried around a glass of what Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan assumed was whiskey with too much ice. That is, it had ice in it.
He was smoking profusely, and looked to be made out of poorly tanned leather wrapped loosely over a flabby body. No explanation was given to how this lard ass got into the office without anybody noticing.
“You see Achmed-in-ijad—“
“Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan. Director Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan.” He interrupted.
“Thats what I said. Achmed-in-ijad.”
“You said it wrong.”
“You know what happened to the last diversity hire appointed as NASA Director, Achmed-in-ijad? We found him in a puddle of puke and piss outside of Tijuana. Fun guy, but couldn’t handle his Russian hookers worth a damn.” He took a drag of the cigarette. “I like you Achmed-in-ijad. I’d hate to see what the locals in Tampa will do to you. You may not eat pork, but let me tell you something—you taste like pork.”
“What do you want?” Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan asked.
“I don’t really want anything but it was determined by my superiors it was time to let you know a bit of the story. But first a bit of background.” He took a quick drink of this watered down whiskey and a long drag of the cigarette. He put it out on a ceramic icon on Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan’s desk. He lit another cigarette. “In 1966, you were told Gemini 8 was stuck in an uncontrolllable spin, and—“
“Because of the quick thinking of Neil Armstrong, Gemini 8 recovered from the spin, and landed safely back to Earth.”
“You interrupt me again, I might take you to Tampa anyway.” He said calmly. He took another long drag of the cigarette and with his free hand began to fondle his man breasts. Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan couldn’t decide if he was sweating profusely under his jacket or lactating. Either way, his jacket was wet under the arms. “Armstrong was thinking quick on his feet, but Gemini 8 was raped.”
“Raped?”
“You heard me.”
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
Do not tell Huma.
“This happened again in 1970, when the command module of Apollo 13 was raped six minutes after the crew filmed their public address. That’s why it wasn’t aired to the public.” He took another drag of the cigarette and again put it out on the ceramic idol. “And even the details of recent missions, you’ve been told are, simply put. Wrong.”
The man walked closer to Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan. Close enough for the smell of boiled leeks, bad whiskey, American Spirit lights, spoiled milk, fried okra and the distinctive stench of bad sex the morning after with a half drunken hangover, to invade Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan’s moist, delicate nasal passages.
“Don’t wince at me because I smell like that broad you tagged, gagged and bagged back an MIT, Achmed-in-ijad.” He composed himself, slightly adjusting his crotch. “Just a few weeks ago, you thought, the Hubble Telescope was flipped off and on really fast to reset the onboard software. NASA even put it out to the press because they thought it was funny.
But it wasn’t funny for the ISS crew.” He pulled out a 1980s era tape recorder and firmly pressed play.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
Do not tell Huma.
“EVA 1, did you hit the unit?”
“Roger that Houston. Unit given a good hard kick.”
“Roger that EVA 1, unit appears to have come back online. Good work EVA 1”
“Houston, we’re getting some kind of interference…you picking this up Houston? Some kind of transmission from a Smith?”
“SPACE SMITH FIX FLYING METAL BALL! BY FIX, MEAN RAPE”
“Houston…”
“SUPPORT WAZ COMPLETELY CONSENSUAL. SPACE SMITH SEND YOU BILL FOR TECHNICAL SERVICES”
“This is horrible. Houston, do you copy?”
“Ahhhhh. Who let this thing in the maintenance bay?”
“SPACE SMITH NO COPY, HIM HAVE ORIGINAL MOVES. BY ORIGINAL MOVES…MEAN RAPE”
“Houston, we are sealing off the maintenance bay. Houston, do you copy?”
“IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU RAPE”
“Houston, maintenance bay breached!”
“THAT NOT ALL THAT BE BREACH. SPACE SMITH BREACH EVERYTHING HIM REACH”
“Houston, we are initiating Soyuz escape pod checklist.”
“SPACE SMITH RAPE SOYUZ LAST WEEK. IT NO FLY”
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
This transmission is identified as C as in wiped with a Cloth.
Do not tell Huma.
Abbaszhadeggadaddeghan’s blood ran cold.
“What is that object in space?” He asked.
“We don’t really know, Achmed-in-ijad.” The man said before blowing smoke in his face. “We just call it SPACE SMITH.” He took one last drag. “I can’t wait to see what he does to Elon Musk.”