Glibertarians.com 2018 Archive

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  • Monday Morning Links

    1. Here was an exchange several of us had on a group chat yesterday:
    What the hell just happened?

    JW: Looking bad for Minn. Now it’s hero or goat time

    Swissy: Oh boy… Not much of a chance unless they can get out of bounds’

    OMWC: zzzholy SHIT!

    Swissy: DID I JUST SEE THAT

    JW: HOLY SHIT

    OMWC: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

    Sloop: Holy fucking shit

    Los Doyers: God dkan. Damn, even

    Swissy: DAYUM.

    That started at 6:55 and escalated quickly at 7:07.  I mean…wow. I bet the Minnesodans on here are still drunk. I know the coonasses probably are, but that’s just because they’d be anyway.  But…wow. What a finish.

    Elsewhere, the Steelers forgot what the fuck they’re supposed to do on 4th and less than a yard. Way to hand the AFC to the Patriots again, Tomlin and Haley. That game is completely on you two dumbasses. Meanwhile, the Eagles advanced to play the Vikings after a defensive battle. And the aforementioned Cheatriots will host the Jags next week.

    In college basketball, I just want to mention that the Buckeyes tore the asshole out of another decent opponent and might actually start getting a little bit of the respect they should have earned a couple weeks ago. Look for them to make a splash in the polls today.

    And across the pond, Arsenhole’s woes continue, as do Everton’s (I couldn’t resist) while their crosstown rivals Liverpool put a stop to Man City’s run at a season without a loss by throttling the Citizens (except for the last 5 minutes).

    No more sports. That update was enough for some of you. Not enough for many of you. And a painful reminder that activities exist where they keep score to a few of you. I apologize to each of the latter groups.  And now that I’ve done so, let’s move on into…the links!

    Idiot government worker causes millions of people to freak out. But instead of firing him, they give him another job. And now Hawaiian taxpayers get to pay two people instead of one to do the same job…which is basically to NOT push a button unless they’re really under attack.

    Good enough for government work to keep your government job.

    Trump accurately, if inarticulately, labels several places. The dumbest person in the House (debatably) goes berserk again and claim’s its grounds for impeachment.

    Aziz Ansari is under fire now in the #metoo wars. I had no idea. Did this all explode over the weekend? Actually, don’t tell me. I really don’t give a shit.

    A wife of a crooked politician is angry that another politician, this one not sitting in a federal prison, is using footage of her husband’s wiretap in a campaign ad. You know, there’s an easy way to avoid your corruption trial becoming footage in a campaign ad, lady.

    Some black “leaders” are saying Trump’s presidency is at odds with Martin Luther King’s legacy. That may be true. But I wonder if its at odds with King’s words.  Let’s take affirmative action vs judging someone by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin, for starters…

    Totally not a shithole.

    I can’t call the place a shithole for fear of backlash, but I sure as shit wouldn’t feel safe walking through a Baghdad market.

    This song works one day out of the year: today. And its not a great song, but it’ll lead you down a rabbit hole of Queen greatness.  So, you’re welcome.

    Enjoy the holiday, those of you that can enjoy it. Those of you that can’t, then get back to work!

  • Sunday Night Open Post

    Sunday Night Open Post

    teen vogue
    January Issue

     

    As the Global Warming, Climate Change, Climate Chaos, weather gets bad here, we will keep the conversations going. No links to ignore either! Post away, Glibs.

  • ZARDOZ SUNDAY AFTERNOON LINKS

    ZARDOZ’S “FIRST RESPONDERS”

     

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE BEEN LIFTED FROM BRUTALITY – AND HAVE DONE WELL IN YOUR SNARK AND COMMENTING AT THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. THUS, YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE GIFT OF THE LINK EARLY TODAY. THE TABERNACLE HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT SOME OF YOU MAY BE EXPERIENCING THE “ALBERTA CLIPPER” – THUS ZARDOZ WOULD PROVIDE YOU LINKS TO ENTERTAIN AND INFORM YOU WHILST TRAPPED INDOORS. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

    • A NEW GROUP OF BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS IN SYRIA? ZARDOZ IS PLEASED.
    • IS THIS WHAT BRUTALS CALL BACKSCRATCHING OR LOGROLLING OR SOME OTHER TERM? ZARDOZ BELIEVES THAT CLEANSING ALL POLITICAL BRUTALS IN THAT CITY WOULD SOLVE SUCH THINGS.
    • ZARDOZ BELIEVES THIS HEADLINE AND STORY ARE SUFFICIENTLY TABLOID FOR HIS CHOSEN ONES.
    • ZARDOZ IS TORN BY THIS STORY…OF COURSE, THE PENIS IS EVIL…SO THREATENING TO STAB ONE IS GOOD. BUT THE BRUTAL MAKING THE THREAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A CHOSEN ONE.

  • Sunday Morning Links for this shithole site

    Sometimes the news comes fast and furious. And it’s almost always a delight to cynics like me. I mean, really, how do you do better than making an entire state shit its collective pants? Oh, I know, blame it on Trump!

    Cindy Varner

    Stupid f##king traitor presinfant trump for putting us all in this situation. People in Hilo were getting alerts on phone and radio, scaring the hell out of folks driving, trying to get home to see loved ones before it hit (12-15 minutes?). Craziness!!!

    How brave and eloquent. And clever! Though the Trump presidency has as many shortcomings as the Obama administration, it’s certainly upped the derangement level in a most entertaining way. Never mind that there’s no federal involvement in Hawaii’s rather badly designed warning system, there’s OUTRAGE THAT MUST BE SHARED. SP predicted that the Team Blue idiots would exhaust themselves by now, ping-ponging from one outrage to another on a daily basis, but I think she may have underestimated the Power of Derp. Interestingly enough, the wizards who put this warning system in place have responded by now requiring two different signoffs before an alert can be issued. Which of course will, ahh, somewhat negate the value (such as it is) of a fast response system. My take: You get that alert…what’s your first thought? Do you think there is an actual nuclear attack on the US or do you think some government idiot fucked up?

     

    I guess puppet heads and stupid slogans have now been replaced by higher tech versions of useless symbolism. Moral preening is always a way to persuade.

     

    In the meantime, Team Red shows again that it’s the Stupid Party, and the circular firing squad is setting up once again.

    “I think a lot of serious conservatives will realize that [this is Roy Moore being replayed] and reject his candidacy.”

    Where do I find these “serious conservatives”? I thought they were extinct? They certainly don’t seem to be voting much in Team Red primaries.

     

    An unnecessary revival of an unnecessary remake is about to pollute the cableworld. Critical mass of smug from a third-rate scientist who stopped doing science decades ago may cause brain hazards in the IFSL crowd (I should mention this wonderful takedown of IFSL and NdGT). But what the fuck would I know about it? Anecdote: I was at a party a few weeks ago and a group of arts-types were talking about how amazingly wonderful and brilliant Tyson was. Two mistakes then followed: they asked my opinion of him, “…since you’re a scientist. Isn’t he brilliant and amazing?” Mistake Two: I answered honestly, “He’s never let his bigotry and lack of knowledge stand in the way of his role as a public ‘intellectual.’ The guy couldn’t even do a basic freshman physics calculation but still felt it was important to tell the world his incorrect conclusions about deflated footballs.” The uncomfortable silence that followed was uncomfortable. CP Snow, cleanup needed on Aisle 8!

     

    Don’t you just hate it when someone with tits that spectacular and a long track record of terrific work feels that it’s important to show the world that she’s as dumb as a post?

     

    Well, this is embarrassing.

     

    OK, Old Man Music, in this case another regional band (in this case, from Buffalo) that should have, in a just world, achieved widespread fame and fortune. Give it a listen, they were terrific. I met their vocalist/guitarist/harp player in Austin where he was doing some gigs at the Elephant Room (one of my favorite clubs there), or I would have never heard of this great group.

     

  • STEVE SMITH SATURDAY EVENING LINKS

    BEDTIME READING

     

    STEVE SMITH HAVING BIT OF TROUBLE SLEEPING LATELY. NOT SURE WHY. HAS BRAND NEW PILE OF LEAVES TO SLEEP ON, IN CAVE. WORK NO TROUBLE – WELL OVER MONTHLY RAPE TARGETS. SO STEVE SMITH APPRECIATE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE GIVE IDEAS HOW STEVE SMITH GET SLEEP. BEING AWAKE SO MUCH GIVE STEVE SMITH TIME TO GIVE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE LINKS…SO THAT GOOD.

    1. THIS NOT WHAT STEVE SMITH CONSIDER WORTHY PROTEST…BUT DOES GIVE STEVE SMITH GOOD LAUGH.
    2. THIS ALSO NOT WAY TO PROTEST. YOU MAKE SELVES LOOK WORSE THAN SILLY AD.
    3. CELEBRITY PEOPLE THEY WANT IN THREESOMES? STEVE SMITH GO MORE FOR EIGHTSOMES. SOMETIMES NINESOMES. DEPENDS HOW MANY PEOPLE IN CABIN OR RV.
    4. COUSIN SEA SMITH SEND FILM CLIP OF MAJESTIC SEA FLAP FLAP GET AWAY FROM SHARK.

  • Nephilium’s Game Corner – These games are the training squats for the mind

    Last time we talked about playing online, today we go back to the realm of cardboard, plastic, and wooden bits.  We’re going to branch into some mid-weight games.  I’m sure some of you are wondering what this weight I’ve mentioned before means.  It’s a measure of how complex the ruleset of the game and the interactions are.  As an example, checkers is lightweight, chess is mid-weight, go is heavy.  Other terms to reference heavier games include brain burner or “thinky” games. They will generally focus on efficiency and planning ahead, with less random elements.  Now that you know that, let’s get into some mid-weight games:

     

    Game 1: Avoid angering the gods – Tzolk’in (2-4 players, 5 with an expansion)

    Tzolk’in is a game of timing, efficiency, worker placement, and corn.  The rules of the game are fairly simple, each turn you may either put workers onto the gears, or you may pick workers up off of gears and take an action available to that worker.  After all of the players have taken their turn, you turn the center gear one crank, which moves all of the other gears one step forward.  There are six gears in the game, five of which can hold workers, with the center one timing the game.  The game is played over 27 turns broken down into 4 periods. Each gear focuses on different items:

     

    1. A gear for getting wood and food, the higher up the space, the more wood or the more food you get
    2. A gear for getting other resources, the higher up, the better the resources you acquire
    3. A gear for moving up in technology, building buildings or monuments, or moving up the temple tracks
    4. A gear for getting more workers, or exchanging corn for other items
    5. The final gear for placing crystal skulls for points and temple steps

    As you place workers, you need to put them in the earliest open space on the gear.  So if you’re the first to place a worker on a gear, you place it in spot 0.  If you then place a second worker on the same gear, you place him in spot 1.  You must pay corn for placing in any spot other than 0, and for placing more than 1 worker a round.  When picking workers up, you only need to pay if you wish to backtrack spaces on the gear (taking the action at spot 2 when you’re at spot 4 would require you to pay 2 corn).  You can pick up all of your workers in one turn if you wish (and good players try to plan it that way for the last turn of the game).  At the end of each period, you also must feed your workers who require 2 corn each.  If you can’t feed a worker, you lose 3 points per starving worker.  There are multiple ways to get points:

     

    1. Placing Crystal Skulls on one of the gears
    2. At the midpoint of the game and the end of the game, you will score points based on how far up the three temple tracks you are with bonuses for being the highest.
    3. Certain buildings give you points
    4. Technologies can give you points
    5. Monuments are worth points at the end of the game

     

    At the end of the game, all of your resources get traded for corn, and every 4 corn is worth one victory point.  

     

    Game 2: Building a bag out of workers – Orleans (2-4 players, 1-5 with expansions)

    Bag building, the kissing cousin of deck building (which I’ll be getting to soon).  The premise of both systems is that all of the players start with the same resources, and through the course of the game purchase new ones that make their bags/decks better.  In this game this is done by hiring workers.  The game is played over 18 turns with the following steps being taken each turn:

    1. Flip over the top hardship tile (the one for the first turn is set)
    2. Draw a number of discs out of your bag based on your position on the Knight track
    3. Arrange your discs under the actions you want to take
    4. Starting with the first player take an action that have all of the worker places under them filled.  The next player then takes an action or passes.
    5. Once all players have passed, pass the first player token to the next player

     

    Most of the actions involve you purchasing a new disc and moving up the associated track.  As you move up the various tracks you gain certain benefits.  If you are ever at the end of a track, or there are no further discs of that type to take, you are unable to take that action.  Other actions have you moving around a board, building trading houses, picking up goods, and increasing your position on the development track.  The goods and trading houses are both worth points at the end of the game, and some of the hardship tiles will require you to give up certain types of goods tiles.  The final type of action allows you to send some of your workers out of your bag by moving them to the beneficial deeds board.  Here they will give you development points or coins.  Through the course of the game, players will also acquire citizen tokens which will be worth points at the end of the game.  Once the final round is completed, a citizen is awarded for the person with the most trading houses, and everyone scores their points, which are made up of the following:

     

    1. Money is worth one point each
    2. Goods are worth between 1-5 points for each tile
    3. Citizens and Trading houses are worth a number of points based on the threshold you’ve passed on the development track
    4. Some buildings award end game points

     

    The player with the most points win.

     

    Game 3: You can’t win with Green power – Power Grid (2-6 players – recommended for 4-6)

    This is one of the first economic engine games I’ve touched on.  In this game, each player represents a power company working to power cities through connecting them to their network, purchasing power plants, and buying the fuel the plants need to operate.  This is done through several phase each round:

    1. Power Plant auction – Starting with the first player, a player may (except for the first round, where they must) put a power plant up for auction.  Each plant has a number printed on it, which is the minimum price of the power plant
    2. Purchase Resources – In reverse player order, players purchase resources to power their plants
    3. Expand network – In reverse player order, players pay to expand their network to other cities
    4. Power network – In player order, each player decides which plants to run, and how many cities in their network to power (which generates income)
    5. Bureaucracy – More resources come into the market, power plants get moved around, and player order is determined by number of cities in each player’s network, with ties being broken by the numbers on their highest numbered power plant.

     

    The game does a decent job of simulating a market with a set number of resources coming out each turn and watching players value plants differently based on what other players have been buying through the game.  There are coal plants, oil plants, garbage plants (natural gas in different versions), nuclear plants, and green plants (which require no resources).  The end game is triggered when a player has a certain number of cities in their network (the number is based on player count).  However, the winner of the game is the one who can power the most cities in their network, with the tiebreaker being remaining money.  As each player can only have 3 power plants at a time (and they’re public knowledge), you can see how many cities each player can power.  The only randomness in this game is the order in which the power plants come out, which is mitigated by them being placed in numeric order, and which ones can be auctioned off.

     

    Hopefully you haven’t been run off by these more complicated games, and at least one of these piques your interest.  Again, feel free to bring up questions or complaints below, and I’ll be back next week with some games that you can play on your Android (and iOS) devices.

  • If its not Scottish (Haggis) its crap!

    In 122 AD (or CE…) Roman Emperor Hadrian discovered something so shocking, so perverse, that he had no choice but to make one of history’s most racist decisions.  What did he discover?

     The Scots.  His solution?  He built a wall.

     

    Yeah, there is probably more to that, but this was a research intensive article and quite frankly I’m not going to get into the why of it.  Hadrian was emperor for all of 21 years, 11 of which he spent touring the empire.  In spite of his short reign he left his mark on the empire by consolidating provinces, allowing much needed reforms, and engaging in infrastructure projects, such as a Roman Temple–located conveniently next to Solomon’s temple in Jerusalem.  That really pissed off the (((locals))), and the ensuing revolt apparently lasted three years.  He is most famous however, for building a wall across Roman Britain to keep the barbarians to the north out.

    The Scots weren’t all bad, and some of them were indeed good people.  For instance, James Watt is credited with giving us the steam engine, allowing for the Industrial Revolution which to this very day impacts the way everyone in the western world lives!

     Okay, technically Heron of Alexandria invented the first steam engine, but they did give us the greatest love story ever told! 

    Okay, technically Wallace was such a terrible statesman the nobility found it more convenient to martyr him, rather than putting up with him.  Also, the only reason you still watch that movie is because you like Longshanks for being the archetypal shitlord and Monica Belluci circa 1996.

    A Scottish regiment is famous for being the last ones to attempt a bayonet charge!  In the early days of the Iraq war, they fixed bayonets and gave Saddam the business!

     No, still not feeling it?  Fine, they gave us this:

    Not my photo

    This is my review of Founders Dirty Bastard Scottish Ale.

    Even though Scottish Ales are realistically all the same, I think a brief overview in naming convention is in order.

    The Schilling System was instituted in the 1880’s, although there is some evidence it was in use earlier than that.  By that time, it became a requirement by the British government due to a change in what was being taxed.  Rather than grain and sugar, they simply taxed the beer.  To add further confusion the tax itself was based on the invoice price of the quantity sold by the brewer (barrel vs. hogshead).  To further add confusion:

    “This dual application of pricing applied to two different liquid measures brought about complications: a 60/- ale in the barrel was a 90/- ale in the hogshead even though it was the same product. The actual price of the ale could be as little as half of the invoice cost once the calculated duties and the discounts allowed by the brewers were subtracted.”

    Paying more tax for the same stuff because it was shipped in a different size barrel? No wonder we fought a war to get away from this…

     The term, “Wee Heavy” came about during this time due to the variety produced by Scottish breweries at the time.  The highest gravity varieties were sold in “nips” in 6 ounce quantities.  Since it was a wee bit heavy you may not mind all you were getting was was then ⅓ of a pint, the beer was going to get you where you wanted to be:  too drunk to consider the taxes you were paying.

     For our purposes these come in three varieties.

     

    The first is a 60/-.  These are typically very light (<5%abv).  Even though they have the same malty character that defines this style, it often leaves the experienced beer drinker wishing there was something more.  A good example is Newcastle.

    We know you are watching, John

    On the other end of the spectrum is 120/-.  These are a wee bit heavier (hence the term) and quite frankly are not for everyone. Typically these operate in the 7-10% abv range. These can be a lot of fun but have one downside, which I’ll touch on shortly. A good example, is Orkney Skullsplitter.

    Finally, there is the 90/- (80/- is traditional).

    Like the proverbial third bowl of porridge, for most of us this one is just right.  A good example is Bellhaven, but in the US there are dozens of good examples as well, all around 5-6% abv.  The dominant craft brewery in my area is Four Peaks and their flagship brew is called, Kiltlifter.  This is a carbon copy of Bellhaven and they sell it in insane quantities.  So much so, they are one of the evil brands that sold out (though I argue they bought in) to InBev.  Ironically, the first time I had it off tap was in Las Vegas, so should you find yourself there, try it out.  Other examples are Great Divide Claymore, Oskar Blues Old Chubb, and Odell 90 Schilling (all from CO).

     Dirty Bastard is 7.5% abv so it fits in with the Wee Heavy category.  The only one I can really compare it to is from a brewery based in Utah, it was 10.5% abv and I seriously doubt you’ll ever find it.  The Bastard has an overwhelming malt complexity and has more body than you can wrap your arms around.  The downside is the moment it got within range of my snout I got a hearty whiff of booze.  It took a sip or two for my olfactory sense to adapt but in the end I will likely continue to buy it a few times when it becomes available. For every other time of year, there is plenty of Kiltlifter to go around. Founders Dirty Bastard Scottish Ale: 4.2/5.0

  • goooob morning. it’s saturday. links

    There’s only one thing that makes the shithole we call “Twitter” worthwhile, and that’s Thoughts of Dog. It’s got all the Founders greeting one another with a hearty, “gooob morning frens!” and humping each other’s legs at get-togethers. The account’s genius creator has mostly kept apolitical, but there’s a bit of edging in that direction now and then, which I fervently hope stops. Leave the politics to morons like us, please.

    OK, I’ll admit to being amused at this exchange between Somalis and Ethiopians predating the latest round of ginned-up outrage by several months. I am also delighted that the stupid and tired “But Somalia!” rejoinder to any hint of the idea of Americans having the liberty promised in the constitution may now be forced into retirement.

    Something about this story just doesn’t smell right.

    One more reason why, if we’re going to have a celebrity president, it damn well ought to be Mike Rowe.

    When I was a grad student, I spent long hours in a lab running experiments, then more long hours scrawling research papers about things like quantum mechanics and macromolecules and transition metal interactions so I could eventually get that union card which said “Ph.D.” I really could have done much easier things for the same result. Man, am I a sucker! That is some impressive gibberish.

    Remember the rantings of a particularly vocal and dumb commenter at Hit y Run about this? Being profoundly ignorant about a subject never stopped a true believer from forcefully giving his opinion. The phrase “overtaken by events” keeps occurring to me.

    Given the state of our legal system, it takes a lot to have a lawyer be an actual embarrassment to that “profession,” but here’s someone who managed.

    I am an unabashed fan of Chef John and his YouTube cooking videos. Which heightens my sense of being totally betrayed. What’s next, fricassee of foreskins?

    OK, obligatory Old Guy Music. It’s a prog rock band that was weirdly a cult fetish only in Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Their fans are… avid. This song was from my college days when you’d see them at Painter’s Mill (before it burned down). You can hear how it anticipated a lot of other bands (this song was released shortly before Bohemian Rhapsody, for example), with lots of interesting tempos, key shifts, and complex arrangements, not to mention virtuoso playing. They’re still around and still kicking ass, not that I’m likely to be able to see them here in the Democratic People’s Republic of Illinois.

  • The Myth and the Mouse: A Journey in Fan Editing

    The Myth and the Mouse: A Journey in Fan Editing

    Part One: The Myth

    Fan editing is a fairly simple concept, it is taking an existing film and using video editing software to alter the film in some way. It rose to prominence in 2000 when a video called ‘The Phantom Edit’ started making its rounds around Hollywood. This was a re-edited version of ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’, and as internet technology grew this video was made available to people across the country. As video editing software became more ubiquitous more people took on fan editing as a pastime and began sharing their work across the internet.

    But wait, back-up, let me start earlier. When I began as a young film maker I didn’t have access to the best equipment. This was the early 90s and I didn’t come from a very well off family. When I started I had only a 1987 VHS camera that I borrowed from my aunt. Since I didn’t have any friends who were also interested in film making, my early attempts were mostly stop motion with Fisher Price Little People. I edited these in-camera; meaning I would push ‘record’, wait for the mechanism to engage, count to five, push ‘stop’, move the characters and then repeat until I was done.

    Later on, in the mid 90s, my brother-in-law had a Hi-8 camera I could borrow, and by then I had a few other kids who were interested in acting for me. This was a time of great anticipation; ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’ was coming, the first trailers had debuted. So, naturally we made a Star Wars Fan Film. It was simple and crude, but I upped my editing game to what is called ‘linear editing’. This is basically two VCRs hooked together, or in this case the Hi-8 camera fed into a VCR. In linear editing you play the cut you want on the first machine while recording on the second. Slow, sloppy and not very fun. This cut of the fan film was lost over time.

    When I made my way to film school in the early 2000s, a new way of editing was making its way from the echelons of Hollywood to the lower classes. This was ‘non-linear editing’ (NLE), or what we know of today as editing software. This was made possible by the advancement of digital video, where it became cheaper and easier to import video onto a computer system. The gold standard was (and mostly still is in the industry) Final Cut Pro. My film school had a whole new lab of Macs to learn on, but the underclassmen didn’t get much time on this new equipment. Instead we spent our time in the dark dingy recesses of a building in a true editing suite, where we would cut actual film by hand and splice it together with tape. We weren’t even allowed to use the automated machines, we used hand cranks. Before I was allotted much time on the NLE system I had to drop out of school for a whole host of reasons, but by this time the price of computers and digital cameras had come down enough that when I returned home I had equipment and could begin.

    Part Two: The Mouse

    Once at home and working a full time job I had money to buy equipment, and now more friends interested in participating. I now had the lowest end NLE program, Windows Movie Maker, and decent digital video camera. Thus I began a spree of shooting and editing films. I got better equipment, worked on techniques and eventually enrolled in a new school closer to home. It is around this time that I did my first ‘fan edit’. I put it in quotes because I didn’t really change anything about the film. You see, my favorite film of all time is ‘Fight Club’. I have literally watched it over a thousand times. Most of these times I had put it on to help me fall asleep, I suffer from insomnia quite often, but this film lulls me to a soothing sleep. There were some problems with that though. There are certain points in the film where the loud noises would wake me up once I had finally fallen asleep. Then the movie would end and go back to the DVD menu, the music of which would also wake me up. It is for those reasons I ripped the movie onto my computer and, well, I just quieted down those loud parts and put it on a DVD with no menu music. That was it. But it was a step.

    It was around this time that news of ‘The Phantom Edit’ finally worked its way to me across the internet. It had never occurred to me before that I could do that myself, I don’t know why. Other than that first small foray I had never thought about changing the work of someone else to better fit my vision. Sure I knew what parts of movies I would have cut had I been working on them, but it had never crossed my mind to do it after the fact. Thus began experimentation. I started out with that very same film ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’, a film I saw many flaws in but also some virtues. Gone were midichlorians. Gone were a vast array of fart jokes. Gone were stupid kid lines. This first cut was clunky, but showed promise. I began tinkering with the next few films in the series. Gone is Anakin’s whining about sand. Gone was so much of what I hated.

    There is a saying that if it were up to the film maker a movie would never be finished. You always see something you want to tinker with. George Lucas has proven this himself with all his fiddling with the original trilogy. I am the same way. Every time I watch my work (either my original work or fan edits) I always see something I can improve. I also like to try new techniques each time I do an edit. For this reason for a long time the three prequel movies were the only fan edits I did, because it is always an on-going effort, every few years I redo the edits to try and make them work better. As a matter of fact in preparation of this article I found new changes I wanted to make to one of the films. And also, for the most part if I like a film I don’t feel the need to tinker with it. It is only the cases where I see something that I love buried in a pile of shit that I invest myself to try to bring my vision of another person’s work to life. I’m a grown man with a life size R2-D2, if I see something Star Wars related that I think I can make it entertaining to myself, I’ll do it. Alas, alas the new trilogy…

    Mostly what I tried to do was align the prequel trilogy with the original trilogy, along with removing some of the bad performances and childish jokes where I could. As I mentioned above, this included getting rid of references to midichlorians, but also a few other things like the fact Anakin was ‘already a great pilot’ when Obi-Wan met him. So gone is the kid hero accidentally saving the day, now he is just a good pilot strong in the force. Truly Anakin should have been at least in his early teens, but that is not something I have the power to fix. My approach also meant cutting things others may not agree need be cut, like Yoda using a light saber. My feeling from the original films was Yoda represented the more pacifist side of the Jedi. As I had to piece together a more cohesive story while cutting out so much, I also reinstated a few deleted scenes, which aren’t great but I felt moved the characters forward better. Alas, just as I do not have the power to change Anakin’s age in the first film, I also had no control over the video quality of these deleted scenes where I could find them so they are mostly glaring in there inclusion, but I feel make for a better film.

    Also, as I said I like to try new techniques, sometimes I don’t do them as well as I would like, but they serve their purpose in terms of the story. There is also the saying attributed to Shakespeare, ‘brevity is the soul of wit‘. This is usually only applied to comedy, however, I’ve found it works with most things in film. The more common saying now is ‘less is more’. And this is why many action sequences become boring and stale. So contrary to what many people many think, cutting the length of an action sequence can cause it to have a greater impact on the viewer. The action sequences in the prequel trilogy are terribly bloated. I have tightened those.

    A more recent case was ‘Man of Steel’ and ‘Batman V Superman’. I love Batman, and I really like Superman. When I watched ‘Man of Steel’ there were some parts I liked, but no way to connect them into a truly entertaining narrative. I had higher hopes for ‘Batman V Superman’, but the film itself was a mess. However, in the way the story was laid out, a grand vision emerged in my mind. The connections between the two movies were clear in my head and I began writing a cohesive narrative within my brain. So, when ‘Batman V Super: Dawn of Justice: Ultimate Edition’ was released on blu-ray I set to work combining the two lackluster films into one cohesive story. I worked on it for months, going back and forth on where to place scenes, watching and re-watching to see how it flowed as a whole. Finally I finished it. My masterpiece. And then, it sat there on my computer along with multiple cuts of Star Wars movies.

    You see, fan editing exists on the legal outskirts of ‘fair use’ laws. As long as you own copies of the movies you edit and don’t try to make a profit off of it you are technically in the clear. When you share it with a friend, it gets murkier. When you put it out on the internet for anyone to see murkier still. As many of you, I take caution in all legal matters. Thus, to this point I’ve only shared these works with a few close friends. I don’t have many people I know who will take six hours to watch and critique my Star Wars edits. Even fewer interested in seeing a 3 hour long Batman V Superman mash-up. But, as the writing of this article betrays, this is something I enjoy very much and I would like to share with others. So, for the first time ever I’m publicly sharing these works.

    I claim no ownership over the contents, they are merely a vessel for my own thoughts on the content.

    Only watch them if you own a legal copy of the films represented.

    And now the links!

    Star Wars Episode One Fan Edit

    Star Wars Episode Two Fan Edit

    Star Wars Episode Three Fan Edit

    Batman V Superman Fan Edit

    And finally, the one I’m sure you all want to see the most, that fan film I made in the 90s. No, you won’t get to see me in it, I was behind the camera. This also isn’t the cut I did back then, I found the original hi-8 cassette a few years back and cut it together, leaving in all the stupid mistakes and not polishing it up any. There really isn’t a plot, just a few kids that wanted to make a movie.

  • Friday Afternoon Links of Resentment

    Have I got a deal for you!

    @#$% someone decided the very end of Friday would be a good time to schedule some vendors to come in and tap dance for us…”Buy our services, and you will ascend straight into PARADISE!” Ah…no. Waiting for that, I did have time to prepare some links..So I will try not to narrow my gaze at them the whole time. As for you lot…since I won’t be around to read the comments, I will just give you all a nice general *NARROWS GAZE* in advance.

    • Are we sure this wasn’t a SEA SMITH incident? Eh, probably not, as there wasn’t any rape reported. Maybe he was just having an off day?
    • You know who else was an elected leader who looked to the East?
    • Sit down, everyone. I have a shocking story about things not really being all above board…in the Chicago Police Department!!!! DUN DUN DUHHHHH!!!!!!!! *cue gasping and fainting*
    • Who among us hasn’t shot off a couple of fireworks…into traffic. While drunk.

    You enjoy and snark away, while I try not to strangle any co-workers or vendors.

     

    Oh…one more thing. All of you missed it this morning. Sloopy put this up:

    What am I?

    None of you guessed right (and he was willing to lead you on). The Swastika isn’t meant for viewers on the outside – it is a Nazi hackenkreutz…for the one INSIDE the can! It belonged to trshmnstr’s evil twin.

    Oskar der Griesgram!