And the snow continues to fall here, but at least it’s slowing down a bit. Maybe SP and I will drink and pretend there’s a game on. Sunday without sports is tough on us.
Worse yet, unlike yesterday, this isn’t a big news day. If you read the Foundation Trilogy, you know the structure: something happens, then the characters spend the next thirty pages talking about it before the next thing happens. Today is one of the thirty pages.
A perfect example: yesterday, Israel bombed Syria, and specifically some Iranian sites which can’t exist because Iran insists that it’s only advising Syria. Sort of like how the US just advises people in Sudan, Yemen, Afghanistan, Iraq… In any case, the news today is everyone talking about it and talking about it.
The new drink became available this month, with eight flavors: limebubly, grapefruitbubly, strawberrybubly, lemonbubly, orangebubly, applebubly, mangobubly and cherrybubly. Packaging for each flavor comes with its own greeting on the tab, such as: “Hey u,” “hiii,” and “yo,” plus “personal messages” on the can” “I feel like I can be open around u,” “hold cans with me,” and “love at first phssst.”
Here’s my hope: some paranoid schizophrenic thinks these messages are from the CIA to him, goes to Pepsico headquarters, and shoots up the marketing department.
Old Guy Music. When I lived in Austin, my Tuesday night ritual was to cross the river and plop myself in a chair at Flipnotics and watch Erik Hokkanen shred on violin, banjo, guitar, mandolin, and anything else with strings. Over the course of an evening, you’d hear jazz, gypsy swing, Texas swing, bluegrass, and… well, about any genre you could imagine. The coffee and snacks were terrible, but the music was fantastic. Flips is sadly gone, but Erik is still around, along with Ryan Gould, the best slap bass player in a generation. This was recorded at one of the shows I attended- sorry for the abrupt cutoff at the end, fucking hipsters don’t know how to do video correctly.
SEA SMITH SIT IN FOR COUSIN STEVE SMITH. HIM BUSY, SO GET LINKS FROM SEA SMITH. LIKE LINKS? HOW ABOUT WATER? COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE. SEA SMITH SHOW YOU WONDERS OF OCEAN. BY SHOW WONDERS OF OCEAN, MEAN RAPE. IN OCEAN.
SEA SMITH SAD FOR DINOSAURS, BUT LIKE HOT TUBBING….SO TOO BAD FOR BIG LIZARDS.
SEAS SMITH LEAVE KITCHEN FOR ONE MINUTE…AND DINNER ESCAPES. OF COURSE, END UP IN AUSTRALIA…WHERE ELSE STING-Y THINGS GO?
THIS ONE NOT SEAS SMITH FAULT! SEA SMITH NOWHERE NEAR SAN FRANCISCO…FOR NOW.
SEA SMITH CONFESS, THIS ONE HE AT FAULT. HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKY WITH FRIEND IN LOCH NESS, BUMP PIPELINE. BY BUMP PIPELINE, MEAN TRY RAPE PIPELINE.
SEA SMITH HOPE YOU LIKE LINKS. COUSIN STEVE SMITH BACK NEXT WEEK.
Last time here, I talked about some heavier games. Time to switch it back up and go with some luck heavy games. Luck heavy games generally involve either dice or decks of cards and tend towards the lighter side. The more luck involved in a game, the more likely a less skilled player in the game will win. All of these games feature heavy luck elements, and we’ll be going from lighter to heavier as the games go on.
These are two games that are essentially the same game with a some minor tweaks. So if you have to pick one, pick the one that has heroes that sound more interesting to you. This game features a strong element of push your luck, and playing the other players. This game does feature player elimination, but it plays quickly (15-20 minutes a game) so no one has to sit too long. Each round a hero is selected, and all of his (or her) gear is set out. Each hero has different gear that gives different abilities (as an example, the warrior gets a torch that kills monsters that have odd values, while the thief has an item to avoid any one creature). There is then a deck of monster cards that are shuffled. Taking turns, players may either pass, or draw a card. If they draw a card they look at it, and either put it into the dungeon, or remove it from the dungeon and take a piece of gear away from the hero. If you pass, you are out of the round. Once only one player hasn’t passed, the final player runs the hero through the dungeon of monsters. If they survive, they claim a treasure card. If they fail, the first time they take damage, the second time they are dead and eliminated from the game. The game ends when either one player has claimed two treasures, or only one player has survived. This is a light filler game, with nice chunky cardboard pieces for the hero equipment, and is well suited to playing with younger gamers.
Game 2) Gambling without the risk – Las Vegas (3-6 players)
VIVA?
Las Vegas… you’re probably expecting mobs, and guns, and neon, but instead you get a bunch of dice, some casino boards, and cards with various amounts of money listed on them. Each player starts with eight 6 sided dice in their supply, and if you are playing with less than 6 players (which I would recommend) a set number of white dice that represent the house. The setup is easy, set out the six casino boards (each labeled with a die value of 1 to 6) in order, shuffle the money cards and start dealing them to each casino, stopping when they have a value of at least $50,000 on them. On each player’s turn, they roll all of their dice, sort them based on the displayed value, then select one set of dice to place on a casino tile. So if your first roll is three 1’s, two 2’s, one 3, one 4, and one 6. You can select the 1’s, and you place the three dice on the casino board with the 1 value listed on it. The round ends when all players have placed all of their dice. Then the winnings are awarded, and whoever has the most dice on a casino gets the highest value card, second most the second most valuable card (if there is one), and so on. The trick comes when you get to ties. If more than a single player have the same amount of dice on a casino board, those dice are removed from the board. So if Abby, Brandon, and Carol are playing, and Abby and Brandon have 4 dice on a board, while Carol has 1. Carol wins the valuable card from that board, and Abby and Brandon walk away empty handed. If you’re playing with less than six players, then those white dice represent the house, and are placed with your dice following the same rules. The game goes for four rounds (or more or less as long as you agree to it before hand), with the start player moving between rounds, with the winner being the player with the most cash at the end.
Game 3) Sneaking into a dragon’s lair – Clank (2-4 players)
Recipient of the Swiss Servator Big Thumbs Up!
Clank is a relatively new game, and is a twist on the traditional deck-builder games. In this game, each player represents an adventurer trying to sneak into a dragon’s lair, grab an artifact and get out of dodge before the dragon kills them. This is done by building a personal deck of cards (all players start with the same personal deck) by purchasing new cards from a communal display. These purchased cards either have an immediate effect, or they are placed into your discard pile and you hope to see them again soon. Cards can provide some or all of the following:
Movement – Allows you to move your meeple on the board
Skill – Allows you to purchase new cards
Coins – Victory points at the end of the game, and can be used to purchase some items
Swords – Combat strength to kill monsters, and move through dangerous passages
Clank – Being noisy in the dungeon, attracting the attention of the dragon
Other special abilities (healing, ability to purchase items, draw cards, etc).
As each player accumulates Clank, they put a colored cube into a region of the board. As players purchase cards from the communal display, new cards come out, and some of these cards trigger the dragon to attack. Any time the dragon attacks, all of the Clank cubes on the board go into a bag (which also contains a number of neutral black cubes) the bag is shaken up, and a number of cubes is drawn from the bag. If a cube of your color comes out, you’ve taken damage and must move a tracking cube down one space on your health tracker. If a neutral cube comes out, no one is injured this time, but there are now less neutral cubes in the bag. The end game is triggered by either a person dying, or by the first player who grabs an artifact and escapes the dungeon (all players who successfully escape get a token worth 20 points). Once the end game is triggered, all of the remaining players have four turns to get their artifacts and escape, with the dragon attacking more ferociously every turn. If you run out of turns and are in the bottom half of the dungeon after your last turn, you have been buried in the collapsing dungeon. If you’ve at least made it to the top half alive, then the villagers dig you out, and you score your deck. At the end of the game, all of the players add up their victory points from cards, tokens, artifacts, coins, and crowns. The winner is the player with the most points.
If the dungeon raiding aspect doesn’t appeal to you, there is also a rethemed version called Clank! In! Space! (don’t blame me for the name…) which is set in space.
…Okay.
Here’s hoping one of these press your luck games is up your alley, and we’ll be back soon with some games that are a bit harder to acquire (but can still be found without breaking the bank)..
Every once in a while, I draw inspiration from the audience. None of you have steered me wrong.
This is my review of Earthquake High Gravity Lager…
Okay. One of you did. I’m not about to start pointing fingers, because its more fun for me to wait until the end.
A primer on Malt Liquor: Brooklyn, the 1970’s
This is a dream, man. A man’s dream. A man named Don Vultaggio At the time he had nothing but a VW, an underserved market, and a dream.
“Vultaggio began delivering malt liquor. This was a dangerous job — so dangerous, in fact, that the breweries’ own truck drivers refused to do it, which is the opening Vultaggio wanted to exploit. He braved stickups and shoot-outs. He hauled cheaper product from upstate wholesalers back into the city, because gas was 30 cents a gallon, and the hassle paid well.”
Relax, this gets better.
“One little fly-by-night distribution operation became a $2 billion beverage empire that now makes everything from malt liquor and flavored malt beverages, to beer, to — wait for it — AriZona Iced Tea.”
True story. Arizona Ice Tea is not a product of Arizona. Actual people from Arizona, that is, the 10-20% of the population that are actually from here, are fully aware it is made in New York. Like that terrible salsa from San Antonio, and their sales pitch– New York City!
You probably know where this is going.
“Ultimately, marketers failed to convince the white bourgeois that malt liquor was the new drink of the white bourgeois. But they did convince someone, albeit unintentionally. The word bubbled up the supply chain, from corner store, to distributor, to brewer, and finally to marketing departments: malt liquor is selling well in black neighborhoods. No one knew exactly why. It wasn’t cheaper than regular beer (that would come in the late ’80s, when Schlitz, then the market leader, undercut the competition and triggered the whole category’s slide from premium to bottom shelf). And the messaging was still white as all hell — in fact, a marketing study from the era suggests that malt liquor’s upper-class packaging may have been a contributing factor to its appeal to black customers, though this is no easy thing to corroborate.”
Alas, I could continue to give you excerpts of this article. I am not going to do that. Am I that lazy? Yes. This article though should be of interest to anyone that values capitslism. After all, it never matters who you sell it to. It matters that you sold it.
“malt liquor’s fortunes have been entangled with America’s sorest social bugbears, from race, to class, to poverty, to whether or not capitalism ought to give a shit about any of those things.”
In spite of the halfhearted attempt to SJW, this article is actually pretty good. Read the whole thing.
So how is Eathquake? It pretty bad. I’m not about to indulge myself in its flat body. Its bitter sweet taste and its nose that reminds me of the bathroom in the gas station. There is no redeeming quality about it. It’s made with enzymes that break down the malt to allow the industrial grade yeast to process the sugar as a monosaccharide. This is depression, and squalor in a can. If it were possible to take being a New York Jets fan, distill it, bottle it, distribute it, market it and ultimately sell it–I imagine it would taste like this. Ultimately, everyone will need a drink from time to time, and at least this one it honest enough that all we will know is that it will do its job–and nothing else. Earthquake Malt Liquor 1.5/5.
A hell week at work (explaining my near-absence here during the week) ended with a snowpocalypse. Our enlightened betters, who rule us from afar, told us to suck it up and come to work anyway. Delightfully, there were perhaps four people (out of two hundred) who actually made it in. The downside is that this weather interferes with my semi-regular drinking sessions with Swiss. As I type, the snow has resumed, so instead of doing something fun, I’ll survey the news.
Several American intelligence officials said they made clear that they did not want the Trump material from the Russian, who was suspected of having murky ties to Russian intelligence and to Eastern European cybercriminals. He claimed the information would link the president and his associates to Russia.
Suuuure. A good con artist knows how to peddle to the marks by appealing to their deepest desires, causing logical facilities to be shunted aside.
Brand has kept a low profile at the department, but in December she wrote an op-ed in The Washington Post defending the renewal of Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which permits the National Security Agency to collect foreign intelligence on U.S. soil without individualized warrants.
“To keep us safe, our intelligence agencies must be able to “connect the dots” between the various pieces of information the government already lawfully possesses,” Brand wrote. “In reauthorizing Section 702, Congress must not forget the lessons we learned from 9/11.” The law was reauthorized in January.
I vote “woodchipper.”
Many things going on in (((our))) part of the world. The proxy war between Iran and Israel continues in Syria, but this time, a (((plane))) came down. Shot or fell? Who knows, and who thinks that there will be any credible info? On the bright side, we’re unlikely to get dragged into this since Israel does a good job of taking care of itself. But maybe we can come up with some other excuse to expand our military operations in Syria, given the huge threat of the US being attacked and invaded by Assad, with our captive children being forced to eat mamuniyyeh and praise Allah.
And now Old Guy Music, literally. I spent an evening with one of my favorite harmonica players a few nights ago, and we got talking about who is REALLY the best. Two names kept coming up. And here’s both of them together- SP and I were at this show and can attest that it was overwhelming in person.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE BEEN LIFTED FROM BRUTALITY. YOU HAVE SNARKED AT THE BRUTALS WHO ARE LEGION. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. THUS THE CHOSEN ONES WILL RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK. GO FORTH AND COMMENT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
P.S. REMEMBER, THE PENIS IS EVIL, BUT THE GUN IS GOOD. … AND WOULD IT HURT FOR YOU TO DROP BY AND SAY “HAIL, ZARDOZ!” ONCE IN A WHILE?
BRUTAL POLITICIANS RESIST THE WEED! FOOLS – IT IS THE PENIS THAT IS EVIL, NOT A PLANT.
FOOD RIOTS AMONG BRUTALS IN THE NATION OF ENGLAND?
ZARDOZ AGREES – TOO FEW! WHAT, HE WANTS ANOTHER BRUTAL LEADER TO PROTECT THE BRUTALS LIVING THERE…NEVERMIND.
THIS BRUTAL MIGHT BE GOOD MATERIAL FOR ZARDOZ TO RECRUIT.
Snow…endless snow. Not sure if anyone will find these links. If they should, know that the Glibs held out as long as they could before resorting to cannibalism. I was the last…
OK, so the snow was an inconvenience. But thanks to snowblowers and shovels, and the working internet, there are links for all. Brett was tied up, burning down his old employer’s offices I think. Or stuffing pythons into their vents. Whichever. So you get my Links of Fimbulwinter;
I did not realize that Warty Hugeman’s DOOMCOCK was going to open the Olympics! I hope the IOC has sent a royalty check to SugarFree.
The Greatest Foreign Policy Success Ever continues to bear fruit. Do you think if Tillerson ever steps aside, we could get the old gang back together – Herself, Rice and Powers? Maybe have John Kerry pose for photo ops?
Um…wut? Article I of the US Constitution – read it, Tim. Then you can see that you goofs are the ones who can. Nice to see some vague stirrings in Congress, to regain the tatters of their authority. Wonder why it took so long?
Following up on a Morning Link. “Take leave“?! I guess your constituents can do without representation, eh? Note the wonderful weasel language she uses – Upon reflection of the details alleged, I am certain I did not engage in the behavior I am accused of… You did, or did not.
OK, so there you are. Try to stay warm and unburied.
STEVE SMITH SEE FRIEND ZARDOZ GIVE ADVICE. HIM VERY SMART FOR FLYING GIANT STONE HEAD. SO STEVE SMITH DECIDE HE WANT TO TRY! SO STEVE SMITH THINK, WHAT HE GOOD AT? RAPE, LIVING IN WOODS, RAPE, REMAINING HIDDEN, RAPE AND … MANNERS! GOT TO PRACTICE FANCY MANNERS WHEN WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AS STEPHEN SMYTHE. SO STEVE SMITH TRY HAND, GIVE BETTER ADVICE THAN MS. MANNERS.
MANNERS MAKE THE RAPESQUATCH
FIRST QUESTION: Several years ago, our guests stopped sending us thank-you notes. They stay at our weekend house for days on end, being wined, dined and pampered, and then we receive an email: ”It was so lovely. Thanks.” Now it appears they no longer call or send birthday cards. On my birthday, I receive “e-cards” and am told where to go on the net to see them. Should I feel content with this? At least they remembered my birthday (although doubtless because a programmed reminder popped up on their e-calendars).
STEVE SMITH SAY: STEVE SMITH SAY DISCONTENT NATURAL FEELING. IT NOT TOO MUCH EFFORT TO WRITE FEW LINES. WHEN STEVE SMITH STAY WITH FRIENDS (NESSIE, WENDIGO, UNCLE MAPINGUARY AND OTHERS) HIM ALWAYS SEND NICE NOTE. JUST TEAR LARGE HUNK OF BIRCH BARK OFF TREE, USE SQUIRREL AS PEN AND WRITE SINCERE THINGS. ALSO MAKE SURE SEND BIRTHDAY PRESENT – WRAP RACCOON IN LEAVES AND PINE NEEDLES. THAT ONE GO FEDEX…USPS NO TOUCH THAT. QUICK EASY GIFT – OWL AND OTHER BIRD SKULLS.
IF WANT TEACH MANNERS TO THOUGHTLESS GUEST – YOU HAVE STEVE SMITH GO BY WEEKEND HOME. HIM EXPLAIN PROPER EXPRESSIONS OF GRATITUDE FOR HOSPITALITY. STEVE SMITH MAKE SURE HIM HAMMER HOME POINT. BY HAMMER HOME POINT, MEAN RAPE SO HARD THEY NOT SIT FOR MONTH.
SECOND QUESTION: My parents, who own a large empty nest, offered to provide free room and board to a cousin while he was a student. After a couple of years, my mother was tired of having the cousin living with them, although my father rather enjoyed his company.
Eventually, my mother had harsh words for the cousin, who abruptly moved out, with angry feelings on both sides. Now my mother is angry that after cooking for the cousin and making him part of their lives, she not only has not pleased his family, but they openly dislike her.
The cousin’s family told me that my parents expected him to help maintain the large empty nest; their version is that my parents exploited him by expecting him to do chores. (When my siblings and I lived at home, we did a lot of chores, and I’m sure my parents thought the cousin would do the same when living there.) I don’t know who is right or who is wrong, but I do know everyone is mad.
STEVE SMITH SAY: FOR ROOM, BOARD…FEW CHORES NOT TOO MUCH ASK. WHEN FRIEND ZARDOZ STAY WITH STEVE SMITH, WHILE DRY OUT, HIM GIVE GIFT OF GUN, AND GRAIN. ALSO USE GRAVITRONIC DRIVE TO DRY LEAVES FOR CAVE FLOOR. HIM BEST CAVE ROOMIE EVER. SO STEVE SMITH HAVE GOOD EXAMPLE DRAW FROM.
FOR ANGRY COUSIN, TRY POINT OUT HOW MUCH ROOM, BOARD COST AND HOW BAD STUDENT LOAN GET IN FEW YEARS. ASK, HIM NO DO CHORES AT HOME? IF TOO LAZY AND NO HELP…MOM AND DAD BETTER OFF HE GONE. STEVE SMITH GO TELL ALL THIS TO COUSIN’S FAMILY IF WANT. THEN DEMONSTRATE DOING CHORES AROUND HOUSE. BY DOING CHORES, MEAN RAPE ENTIRE FAMILY. AROUND HOUSE.
STEVE SMITH HOPE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE FIND STEVE SMITH ADVICE USEFUL.
Congratulations you motley crew of fitness fools! You’ve made it through one week of the fitness challenge. Some of you have already fallen off the wagon, and we’re here to shame you into slinking back on. You’re not gonna give up already, are you??
Just admit that you fucked up and start week 2 anew. We won’t judge you more harshly than you judge yourself, we promise.
Week one of a new routine is always hard. Motivating yourself to do stuff really sucks. The good news is that if you made it through the first week, you have evidence that you won’t die from the changes you made. The bad news is that weeks 2 and 3 are gonna suck worse before it gets better. But you want to be healthy and strong, right?
Oh geez, maybe I should add a carrot to balance out that giant Hillary sized stick I just dropped in this article.
For myself, I had an okay week. Superbowl weekend was a 48 hour glut, but I ate well otherwise. I only got one day of physical activity in, which is 1/4 of what I wanted. It’s going to be hard to find the time to do physical activity. How about y’all?
This has been one hell of a long week, I ain’t gonna lie. Some ups, some downs and some shit gone sideways too. But we’ve finally reached the end of it. Together. And the Super Bowl isn’t going to Boston!
There’s some olympics stuff going on. I heard a little bit in the background last night as I was getting some work done. Some dude was going berserk over a dude skiing moguls. And while skiing them is a hell of a task, I couldn’t figure out the scoring so I turned the volume down and zoned back out. I mean, life is so much easier when things are scored by who is faster, goes higher or scores more points (by an objective measure like putting the ball in a basket or a puck in a net or touching a plate). I don’t deny that people competing in sports that are judged rather than scored, and there is a difference, are fine athletes. I just have a hard time getting as excited when I think it can easily be manipulated…as every single judged olympic sport seems to have been at one time or another. And I know referees can manipulate games, but the chances of that are much lower than a few judges scoring one particular person a quarter point better than they should in every dive, cumulatively impacting the event.
But that rant is for another day. Even though it was almost Shultz-like in length. So let’s get some scores, shall we? Dickie V, the most reviled man in college basketball by a mile in my opinion, is probably weeping this morning after his beloved Dookies fell to their rival Tar Heels. Suck it, you one-eyed bastard. UCLA took down Arizona. Gonzaga and St Mary’s rolled to wins, as did Clemson. And on the ice, your winners were Buffalo, Calgary, Philly, Ottawa, Tampa Bay, St Louis, Dallas, Phoenix (a surprise whenever it happens), and Army. Well done guys!
Well congratulations Rose McGowan and Harvey Weinstein. Your little war of words can finally claim its first victim. And while I believe in self-ownership and personal responsibility, I do think these two assholes owe her family an apology for using her as a tool to fight each other with.
Oh CNN, never change. I remember you decrying Rand Paul’s actions years ago when decrying deficit spending. Now you’re on his side? And while I’m point out hypocrisy, I need to give a nod to the idiots in the GOP who finally have a chance to pare down the size of our leviathan government on the heels of great employment news and tax breaks putting a lot of money in more Americans pockets. You dumbasses shit the bed again and the sooner you’re all expelled and more Paul-ites (and Massie-ites and Amash-potatoes) join the party, we can pull our country back from the bring of fiscal ruin.
Is this man becoming likable?
Shut the fuck up, Elon Musk! Your actions the past week are almost making you likable, and now you call out the UAW? Stop it! Also, you’re never gonna reach production goals with the Model 3, so none of what you wrote really matters.
You want to know how a stranger ends up getting beaten to within an inch of his life? Try this with my kid instead of this guy’s. Seriously, I would go fucking apeshit if this were my child.
Even haters gotta cry sometimes
And just in case you weren’t hip to the current hate symbols being used out there, the ADL has compiled a list of them for you to identify. 1. The Pepe as a hate symbol thing is absurd. 2. I know Coors sucks, but come on! And 3. I think the Michigan State Spartans deserve a little credit for the good they occasionally do (like beat TTUN two of the three years Harbaugh has been in Ann Arbor).
Anyway, read it for a few laughs and to see some actual hate symbols, because some of them are legit, even if the number of people that would display or use them in America is incredibly small.
