According to Amazon: The easy-to-use Hutzler Banana Slicer provides a quick solution to slice a banana uniformly each and every time. Simply press the slicer on a peeled banana and the work is done. Safe, fun and easy for children to use.
Kids just love eating bananas with this as their favorite kitchen tool. The Banana Slicer may also be used as a quick way to add healthy bananas to breakfast cereal or to make uniform slices for a fruit salad or ice cream dessert.
Features:
Easy to use
Slices bananas uniformly, each and every time
Press the slicer on a peeled banana and the work is done
Safe and fun for kids
Dishwasher safe
BPA free
Banana slicing has never been easier or more fun!
While it seems like the Hutzler 571 meets every need you could possibly have, it wouldn’t be right of me to not tell you about some of its shortcomings.
First, it appears this device makes bananas stop talking, as one customer reported.
Paul empathises, “I had a similar issue with my potatoes when I got my mandolin slicer. To be honest, I kind of relish the silence now. The Yukon Golds were always bullying the russets around. Napoleon complex if you ask me.”
But, Leila believes that’s a perk: “It is better this way, believe me. When bananas talk, they get all these ideas in their stems about equality and fair treatment. Next thing you know, they’re getting the pears involved and from there it’s only a few days until open rebellion. Keep them silent, everyone knows bananas are a bunch of commies.”
If you can put up with your bananas suddenly going silent and the lack of wifi on this device, then the Hutzler 571 is the device that will make your kitchen complete.
I have been lugging a pistol around for thirty five years. It is a nuisance. I have to make certain I remember to bring it with me every time I leave the house. I have to always know where it is, make sure it is safe from theft or curious hands, and it can be heavy and uncomfortable to wear. Mind you, I love my pistols because most of them are the pinnacle of the machinist’s art. My collection, better than I ever thought I would have as a young man, goes back five generations in my family. They aren’t just tools. They are a testament to the ingenuity and skill of man, but just carrying a hunk of steel around is a pain in the butt. When I am home, I always have one either within arm’s reach or a step or two away. I have solved some of the problem by stepping down from a full sized pistol to a sub-compact, but it is still a nuisance.
Stainless, timeless, priceless
I find recreational shooting enormously enjoyable and years ago I did some competitive shooting. For me, the competition was just organized recreational shooting. Back in those days, I would burn through fifty thousand or more rounds per year. I was no Jerry Miculek but I guess I wasn’t too bad. I could break clays with ease with a pistol even drawing after the clay was in the air. Unfortunately, that is a perishable skill as I recently learned. Despite my enjoyment of all that, utility carrying is no fun. I wish I lived in a world where I could just put them all back in the safe after playtime is over.
I raised or partially raised several children, but I have only one biological son. He was the kid everyone wishes they had. He was never any trouble and actually followed the advice I gave him. I don’t know how much of that was because of me. I know his mother was no small part of it, but I like to think I wasn’t, either. He is a grown man now, married with two children and owns his own wildly successful business. He is smart and industrious and a true credit to our society.
When he was one year old, or thereabouts, his mother and I had our own business. It was a lot of work and meant long work days, sometimes up to 16 hours. We took turns in the evenings taking our son home and putting him to bed. One evening it was my turn so I put him in the child seat and strapped it in on the passenger side front seat. It was a dreary night, pissing rain and cold. Visibility was bad. In those days we had a small traffic circle that I had to navigate through to get home. Because it was so small, it was impossible to yield and then zip around. Invariably cars had to stop and wait. It functioned more as a four-way stop than a circle. On that evening, as usual, I had to stop. There were several cars in front of me and cars stopped behind me.
Without any warning a man began pounding on the passenger side window with his fist, just inches from my infant son. He was yanking on the door handle and trying to break the glass at the same time. He was screaming and cursing at me and demanding that I open the door. I don’t know where he came from. I have no idea what his circumstances were or why he was doing that, but no way in hell was I going to unlock that door. Fortunately, I had my pistol tucked between the seat and the console. I drew it out, reached across the cabin and pointed straight at his chest. I tapped on the window three times with the end of the barrel. *Poof*. The guy disappeared like smoke in the wind. I looked around the windows and in all of the mirrors, but I couldn’t see him anywhere. He must have dropped to the ground and crawled away. I still thank God he had the wisdom to do that. I didn’t have to pull the trigger but if he had broken that window or gotten that door open I certainly would have. In all of the years I have carried a pistol, that is the only time I have had to lay hands on it in earnest.
A pistol is exactly analogous to a fire extinguisher: another tool that I keep close at hand all of the time. I keep two of those in my jeep. You lug it around and 99.9999% of the time you don’t need it, but when the moment arises that you do need it, by God you need it.
As you can imagine, anti-gun and anti-second amendment arguments don’t carry much weight with me. Walk out all you want. Yammer lies until your jaw falls off. I am keeping my guns. It just isn’t up for discussion. My son is likely in the world today because one rainy evening twenty five years ago I had a pistol.
The fun part about the internet is the ability to review products before you buy. Which can be nice, but it resulted in a lot of blogs specializing in certain things, like say, hair products. Then marketing departments start to notice the number of clicks they get and the blogger figures out what their price is. Then what happens?
“These all suck, buy brand X hair spooge.” All of them do it on some level; never saying a negative word about any one of them willing to toss a few bucks their way. I guess you might say it’s pretty good work to get paid to play with other people’s stuff, then write up something and post something online. Why mess that up by writing something negative?
I’m not getting paid, and let’s face it there’s like 80 of you, so I don’t need to worry about that.
This is my review of Samichlaus Classic Bier.
If you’ve never heard of it, it’s probably because it’s hard to find due to a small batch of it being brewed once a year. Officially, it is Austrian in origin but in recent years moved its brewing to Switzerland. This is a 14% abv beast, that might be the worst beer I’ve ever had. That might be interpreted as hyperbole but I had to think this one over for a bit. Could it really be that bad? Let’s compare:
Stone Stocasticity Project.
Take everything that Stone has ever made. Maybe you had no idea why everyone was throwing a chip at the dealer and said, “C & E” but you followed suit and came back with 15x your bet and bought the entire product line. Whatever the reason you bought everything Stone makes and put it in a blender. That is what this tastes like. The only redeeming quality its it’s healthy 7% ABV which quite frankly is a given. Stone Stocasticity Project: 1.8/5
Crush Cucumber Sour
This one. This is a sick joke played on Mexican Hipsters. Yes, they do exist. Crush Cucumber Sour. 1.5/5
At this point you must be wondering what was wrong with Samichlaus. First, it took me forever to figure out how to pronounce it due to the font. It makes me think they are trying to hide something. At one time they identified it on the bottle as the world’s strongest beer, which might have been true at one point but now is not even close. It was lighter than I anticipated given its ABV. It is a reddish-brown color. It smells like something I can only describe as spiked almond milk. It is sickeningly sweet, like chocolate covered malt balls. If it was ever hopped, I can’t tell.
So last night we had dinner guests. Heroic Mulatto and Swiss joined OMWC, Webdominatrix, and me in a falafel fest. Conversation was fueled by the excellent Woodford Reserve bourbon sent along by SugarFree. We also opened a bottle of the Recas recommended to us by Pie in the Sky. Swiss brought along some La Trappe Witte Trappist, in which I did not indulge, not being fond of beer. (Don’t worry, I made up for it in bourbon intake.)
After dinner, we started talking about personality tests. True, many of them are outright BS. However, I’m a fan of the Enneagram. (YMMV)
The Enneagram divides everyone into one of nine interconnected types. Over the years I’ve found that it can be a helpful tool to attain a little insight into my worldview and that of others. I am very typical of people who fall into my personality style number. OMWC is very much what one would expect based on his number. So are my kids.
A very accessible basic book is The Enneagram Made Easy. I usually have a couple copies because I frequently give it away after a discussion such as last evening’s.
The party broke up rather early as it was a school night. And one of the guests did indeed leave with a book.
Thanks for coming over, HM and Swiss! I am feeling very lucky that I know such interesting and delightful people.
Since this question was raised, now is as good a time as any to go over basic glassware. Like nearly anything else, beer tastes better when served in a glass; preferably a clean one.
This is my review of–wait I don’t have a beer to review today. Let me check the archives…
Stone Xocoveza! Hat Tip: Yusef drives a Kia a.k.a Russian Kia drive Yusef.
Since the type of beer many brewers put out have been increasingly become more complex, with some styles becoming some sort of arms race to see who can put the weirdest, hoppiest, or highest gravity beer to market, it helps to have a suitable glass. Much like a pistol needs a proper holster, the right golf club to get the most efficiency from the shot needed, knowing why a mallet exists and why you might want to use it instead of a hammer, or even picking the right pair of socks–you get the best result with a tool built for task. I will focus on the basics since there many out there that will over-complicate this.
The Snifter
If you drink a lot of Barleywine, Imperial Stouts, or if you are one of those people that are obsessed with bourbon barrel aged ales, this is your best bet. Chances are if you are the type that likes a good cognac, you probably already have one on hand.
Because of their high ABVs and strong, aggressive flavors, imperial stouts and barleywines are meant to be served in small pours at cellar temperatures (around 55° F). This makes them perfectly suited for a short-stemmed, globe-shaped snifter like the kind you’d use for bourbon, brandy, or cognac. The balloon shape focuses volatile aromas that would otherwise dissipate in an open-topped glass while allowing the beer to unfurl and develop as it warms in the glass.
If you only occasionally drink this type of beer, the next best thing is a chalice.
The Chalice
No, it’s not pretentious to put beer in a wine glass! Especially if you’re drinking a fruity, light-bodied, highly effervescent saison or farmhouse ale like the ones brewed in Belgium and France where wine glasses are de rigueur.
This is true, it is not pretentious to put beer in a wine glass–but if you do, make sure to wear a Rush Limbaugh brand necktie with your favorite polo. Preferably in clashing colors, which will likely be a given due to the garishness of the tie. It is this way, everyone around you will assume you are a one of the world’s “special people” and will not pass judgement on you as a courtesy. Get a chalice.
This is probably the most versatile glass, being that it will suit also suit IPA, pale ales and nearly any other effervescent beer like many West Coast Amber Ales. It does not however, do as well for malty beer.
The Pint Glass
No need to differentiate between English type with that ring near the top, the Irish version with the svelte curve, or even the ubiquitous tumbler, they’re pretty much all the same.
This does better with malty beers. Think English ales, stouts, porters, and brown ales. The idea here is your hand is intended to warm the beer slightly over the time you spent with it. This link has an exhaustive list of suitable varieties. I will concede the existence of a variant called, “the stout glass” which is really just a pint glass with a wide shoulder. I have never used one.
The Stein/Mug
How I decorate my cubicle.
Lagers go in a mug. The thick glass and handle is meant to keep your hand from warming it. It is also handy for those times when you had too many but are still toasting your friends with too much force or need a handy melee tool.
Many like these because you can have a lot of fun with them. These are suitable for all lagers with one exception:
The Pilsner Glass
Pilsners go in a Pilsner glass. Unless it is dirty or all you have is a mug, this is not a polite suggestion.
Das Boot
This has its roots well before the movie Beerfest. There are a few different versions of how this came to pass: both versions begin with a Prussian General making a wager to his men prior to a particularly hard battle ahead to drink beer from his boot should they win. Turns out they did. Here’s where it deviates: the first is he actually drank from his boot, and the glass was made to commemorate the occasion. The other is that he chickened out and had commissioned the glass be made. Either way, the article linked below, says the boot shaped glass actually has its origins in England but eventually became popular in Germany. So much so that by WW1/WW2 the glasses were sought after as war trophies by allied soldiers. Personally, I’d take a P-08 Luger.
So how was Stone Xocoveza? It was actually pretty good. It’s a chocolate stout that like Mexican hot chocolate contains various spices such as cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and red chillies. It isn’t overwhelming at all, they actually keep everything in balance. Served of course, in a pint glass. The only downer, was the price. Over $12 for a six pack…otherwise, good call, Yusef. Stone Xocoveza 4.0/5.
“Naturally, I’m misanthropic. But the Negronis are helping considerably.” -Anthony Bourdain in The Nasty Bits.
Now that my wife is a professor, and I’ve shifted my career to become a professor at a hilariously shitty community college, it turns out there are some pretty cool upsides. For the first time ever, we get to enjoy BOTH spring break AND not being poor at the same time. That means it’s time to drink some tasty booze instead of Popov vodka Jell-O shots or whatever nasty shit I can no longer remember drinking in college.
Hi. I’m Negroni Please and I’m here to help you get fucked up.
It seems wrong to talk about drinking and not start with my namesake. So, let’s get down to some Negroni business. For those of you not in the know (and are too goddamn lazy to google it) a Negroni is equal parts Gin, Campari, and Sweet Vermouth with an orange twist. Easy peasy.
Allegedly some dude named Count Negroni asked his bartender to fortify his favorite drink, an Americano, and the bartender whipped up the first Negroni by adding some gin to the cocktail. So basically an Americano (made with equal parts Campari and Sweet Vermouth, with a splash of soda) is the boring buttoned-down Ward Cleaver drink and a Negroni is the “FUCK YOU DAD” version.
Pointless Side Note: According to Wikipedia, James Bond drinks an Americano in “From a View to a Kill” because “in cafés you have to drink the least offensive of the musical comedy drinks that go with them.” I don’t know what that means. But James Bond said it, so I’m certain it’s sophisticated and dripping with panache.
Regardless of the supposed origin, sometime around 1919 this wonderful cocktail took off AND THE WORLD WAS NEVER THE SAME. Or something.
So what do you need to make an acceptable Negroni? The obvious, classic, no-brainer answer here is Campari. Campari is a type of Italian bitters with a beautiful ruby hue. Once upon a time, this color was achieved with carmine dye which is made from crushed bugs. Unfortunately, those days are over, and now we get artificial coloring instead of all-natural organic bug parts. Campari is essentially just an herbs/fruit infusion in alcohol, and my wife says it tastes like she imagines cough syrup from the Great Depression would taste. Whatever. She likes Michelob Ultra and mixes flavored LaCroix with her red wine so it’s not like her opinion matters here.
If this description of Campari doesn’t already have you running out to the liquor store to buy some, then you just need to watch this 1984 Campari commercial by none other than Federico Fellini.
What the fuck was that? I don’t know either, but I do know that now you want some Campari. That’s the power of marketing, baby.
Next up you need Gin and Sweet Vermouth. If I’m just mixing up some cocktails for a random after work drink, then I’m all about cheap and ubiquitous. New Amsterdam Gin is cheap enough for homeless people and actually works pretty well in most cocktails. And even Yanomami Indians in the heart of the Amazon have access to Martini & Rossi sweet vermouth. Mix equal measures of these ingredients and add an orange peel twist and you’re all set.
But what about those times where you need something a little more refined? Something smooth and sophisticated like…. SPRING BREEEEEEAAAAAAK!
Well, first off, you can keep the Campari, as it’s always a welcome addition to the drink, but you should consider giving Gran Classico a shot at the title. Next, you should up the ante with your other booze. The most perfect vermouth ever gifted to man by the liquor gods is Carpano Antica. This stuff is pricy (for a mixer) but the vanilla and cocoa notes are well worth it for a quality cocktail. Especially when paired with Gran Classico, it makes for an excellent Negroni. But you don’t have to stop there! Carpano Antica is also perfect friends with bourbon and makes killer Manhattans. For gin, you should pick your favorite top shelf gin. My favorite is St. George Dry Rye, but you can’t go wrong with any St. George gin. For you Hendrick’s lovers out there though, keep that nifty little apothecary bottle on the shelf. Hendrick’s is a bit too delicate to hold up well in a Negroni, and you end up wasting it while the drink’s balance is a little off.
OK. We’ve done the basic Negroni which is good. But it’s time to expand on the Negroni and get to the drinks in this family that really shine.
Looks suspiciously similar to a Negroni…
The Boulevardier
Despite my name being Negroni Please, the Boulevardier is actually my favorite cocktail, but Boulevardier Please just doesn’t have the same ring to it. The Boulevardier is pure awesomeness and you NEED to learn how to make it at home, because absolutely no one wants to be caught trying to pronounce Boulevardier in public after a drink or two.
The Boulevardier proves that the best way to improve on the bright complexity of a Negroni is to swap out the gin and bring Whisk(e)y to the party. According to some (other) douche on the internet:
“A simple substitution? Hardly. The bittersweet interplay between Campari and vermouth remains, but the whiskey changes the storyline. Where the Negroni is crisp and lean, the Boulevardier is rich and intriguing. There’s a small difference in the preparation, but the result is absolutely stunning.”
Also, you’re going to change your ratio a bit. The Boulevardier can certainly be made in the simple 1:1:1 ratio of the Negroni, but these days most people up the whiskey and go for a 1.5:1:1 ratio or even a 2:1:1 ratio. For me it depends on the proof of the whiskey. Anything 80 proof automatically gets a 2:1:1 pour from me, and the 100 proof stuff usually gets a 1.5:1:1. Play with your booze of choice and find the ratio you like. The more whiskey centric your ratio is, then the more this drink turns into a riff on a Manhattan. The less whiskey you use, then the more the Campari shines and the drink is closer to a classic Negroni.
I don’t really like Gran Classico in my Boulevardiers so I stick with Campari. As already mentioned, Bourbon and Carpano Antica are so good together they’ve got to be boning behind closed liquor cabinet doors. So stick with the Carpano Antica. (If you’re feeling cheap, then any sweet vermouth should work in a pinch. I’d stay away from Dolin though. It’s a little too light to hold up well in this booze fest).
What whisk(e)y to pick though?
My absolute favorite bourbon for pretty much anything is Eagle Rare. Unfortunately, neckbearded hipsters buy anything from Buffalo Trace as soon as it hits the shelves, so sometimes that’s not an option. If you’re a rye fan, then you likely already know that Rittenhouse Rye is a powerhouse that works in pretty much every whiskey cocktail. If you want to go the bourbon route, then you can’t go wrong with anything Bottled in Bond as the higher proof helps the bourbon stand up to Campari’s bullying. Old Granddad 100 (or 114 for that matter) are good choices, as is the Evan Williams 100 (but the lower proof expressions of both are too soft, weak, and girly). In general though, just pick any bottle you like and I’d bet you can find a ratio where your favorite whiskey works well with the Campari and Vermouth. Personally, I would avoid the wheaters though. That same wheaty softness that makes them so smooth also gives a slightly muted flavor profile that gets crushed by the Campari. While Weller 12 is a kickass bottle to drink neat, I find it washes out too much in most cocktails. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
Also if you wanna get fancy schmancy you should flame your orange twist for this one, as allegedly the flamed twist pairs well with the slight smokiness of the whiskey. I don’t know. I can’t really tell much difference, but over-earnest bartenders (ahem. That’s Mixologist mother fucker) with handlebar moustaches assure me this is the case.
Need something even MORE decadent? Ok. Let’s drink some Left Hands. The Left Hand is a Bourbon Boulevardier using Campari and Carpano Antica. But things get a little interesting by adding Chocolate Bitters and a brandied cherry garnish. Bitter Truth Xocolatl Mole bitters are generally preferred here, but Fee Brothers Aztec Chocolate Bitters will work, too. Most recipes call for 2 dashes, but I find that to be a little too understated. I usually opt for 3 or 4 (depending on the ratios and volumes I’m mixing). As previously mentioned, the Carpano Antica has some vanilla and cocoa notes that play really well with bourbon. The chocolate bitters bring those flavors to the fore and the whole thing works beautifully. Play around with it and I’m sure you’ll find a ratio you like.
As for the brandied cherries. You can make your own like a good little hipster, but if you’re lazy like me then you simply want a jar of Luxardo Cherries. These little dark orbs of deliciousness elevate any cocktail that calls for a cherry and they don’t taste like those nasty neon-red maraschino cherries that you grew up with. Save those for your Shirley Temples. If you’ve never had Luxardo Cherries, then you are missing out. Even if you ignore all this nonsense, you should get a jar of these babies and stick ’em in pretty much any booze concoction you can come up with. Or just eat them. Mmmmmmmmm, booze cherries. Seriously. They are ridiculously good.
Now go forth, you lushes and imbibe the bitter-sweet ambrosia of the gods. I’ve got one more shitty lecture to prepare before SPRING BREEEEEAAAAK and then I’ll be drinking myself into sweet oblivion.
I am going to try to spice things up a bit and tell you about that one time I went to Jamaica. Turns out, the cruise ship I was on made a stop there and I got to look around a bit as the bus drove us to Montego Bay. Okay, maybe I just got the Cliff’s Notes version of Jamaica, but the island seemed like a nice place, at least the tourist areas. Something I found kind of odd was when the group transferred from one Jamaican chaperone to the other, they all seemed to fill in the time by telling the group about their country’s tax code.
No, seriously.
This is my review of the beer in the short, stubby, ugly bottle: Red Stripe!
I have been dying to use that picture.
First, I got off the ship and hopped on the bus. The bus driver explained a few things unique to Jamaica, such as their habit of locals letting loose their goats off the side of the road. It served two purposes: to feed their goats and to keep the grass trim, that way the government saves money cutting grass along the side of the highways. Clever. He also explained that Jamaica had a general consumption tax and a property tax. That was it.
Later the guys on the catamaran said the same thing. There’s a general consumption tax, and a property tax, but they also explained there was a tax on some imported goods, like gasoline. Then a different bus driver again explained their tax code.
I thought that was pretty cool, if true. Maybe there are places besides the US where a libertarian can be somewhat welcome. After all, they had pretty well maintained roads, even by US standards and there was other infrastructure like overhead powerlines and sewers. They even speak English! Snorkeling with my 3 year old only created more interest; perhaps something rubbed off on this particular former British colony. This one has some awesome things to do and the people here seemed to be every bit as fun as you want them to be.
Nope. I was wrong.
Here is a basic breakdown of Jamaica by the things that people around here tend to pay attention to. As always, everyone here is welcome to call bullshit.
State Legitimized Theft
There is a tax on real property, but it is broken down by value as determined by the Jamaican government. This table below has a breakdown of property values.
There is also a tax levied upon the transfer/sale of real property of 5% or 1% for shares–if the capital gains made on the property exceed 37.5%. There is also a stamp duty for the same transactions of 1% of shares and 4% for real property–there are exemptions on the stamp duty for shares sold on the Jamaican Stock Exchange.
General Consumption Tax. It’s basically a VAT at 16.5%. Taxes on some imported goods, such as petroleum products and alcohol apply.
There is no income tax!…..if you make under 1,500,000 JMD/year. Over that, its a flat 25% unless you make more than 6,000,000 JMD/year–then it is 30%. There are also some considerations for Jamaicans living abroad vs. on the island.
You’ll like this one. There is no tax on capital gains or inheritance.
Minimum Business Tax: 60,000JMD/year for all corporate bodies. This also applies to tradesmen, professionals, and businesses exceeding 6,000,000 JMD/year–this tax can be deducted from an individual’s income tax. Source
It is well-known that Ganja is illegal. Culturally, they don’t care. In fact, I was propositioned twice to purchase Ganja and I was on the island for about 10 hours.
4.-(1) The following Commonwealth citizens (not being persons deemed to belong to the Island as defined by subsection (2) of section 2) are prohibited immigrants-
(a) any person who is likely if he entered the Island to become a charge on public funds by reason of infirmity of body or mind or of ill-health or who is not in possession of sufficient means to support himself and such of his dependants as he shall bring with him to the Island;
(b) any idiot or epileptic or any person who is insane or mentally deficient or any person who is deaf and dumb or deaf and blind, or dumb and blind, unless in any such case he or a person accompanying him or some other person gives security to the satisfaction of the Chief Immigration Officer for his permanent support in the Island or for his removal therefrom whenever required by the Chief Immigration Officer;
(c) any person certified by a Health Officer to be suffering from a communicable disease which makes his entry into the Island dangerous to the community;
(d) any person over sixteen years of age who by reason of deficient education is unable to fill up the prescribed form of declaration for immigrants in his own handwriting and is likely to become a charge on public funds;
(e) any prostitute or any person who may be living on or receiving or may have lived on or received the proceeds of prostitution; cf, the children under the age of sixteen years being dependants of a prohibited immigrant;
(g) any member of a class of persons deemed by the Minister on economic grounds or on account of standard or habit of life to be undesirable immigrants and so declared by order published in the Gazette; […] “
On the surface, they look like they are on par with one of the more restrictive states in the US. In practice? Forget it.
I tried. Jamaica is no libertarian paradise, but the goat curry is tasty.
So is Red Stripe any good? Not really. The owner of the $400,000 catamaran generously informed us the Red Stripe was on him at the boat’s mini bar, just tip the nice lady serving you. So in effect, its cheap enough that even Jamaicans give it away for free. It’s not without its charms though and certainly something I’d grab out of nostalgia for that time I went snorkeling with my family in Montego Bay. Red Stripe Jamaican Lager 2.0/5.
So we covered a bit of general information and a bit of history on wine in Romania, best wine in the world. Now let’s get a bit more specific and let’s us talk grapes. Well not individual grapes of course, I mean varieties. As mentioned previously, accurate figures are difficult to come by, in Romania or elsewhere, due to informal wine making and general issues with such statistics, but I will try to give some numbers, as accurate as I can. So take it with a grain of tartrate, so to speak. According to Ministry of Agriculture estimates, Romania has about 200,000 hectares of vines, 80% of which are dedicated to extracting the nectar of the grapes, making 500 million liters of wine. Give or take 150 million. Half of them are European vines, half are hybrids. I will ignore the latter altogether because, personally, I do not consider that to be wine wine, and frankly there is not much to say of the mighty Căpşunica.
Isabella or strawberry wine
Fine… I will talk briefly of Căpşunica, the most popular hybrid wine grape. The word comes from căpşună, meaning strawberry. It came to Romania via Italy, where it was called Fragolino, hence the name. It is a hybrid originating in, I think, South Carolina or thereabouts, where it was called Isabella or somesuch. Many Romanians drink wine made of this. I am not among them. I find it utterly unpalatable. Anyway… Moving on…
About 70% of wine grapes in Romania are white and the remaining 30% red. There may be a few confused, inter-color, bi-curious and such, but a negligible amount. This data is basically approximation as no one knows for certain. This is due to the highly fragmented nature of the holdings, mostly because of those who grow for personal consumption. While in the EU the average vineyard size is 1.3 hectares, in Romania it is 0.2. So everyone and their grandmothers have a couple of vines to make a bit of wine, usually ready in spring and to be drunk by mid-summer, otherwise it goes sour. There are exceptions though; a minority of people do make good homemade wine.
The white is predominant due to local preference for lower alcoholic, sweetish wines that can be drunk in high quantities, usually mixed with soda water. Șpriț, as the locals call it, word coming from the German Spritze. This leads wine snobs, such as yours truly, to turn their nose up and look down upon the plebs. For one thing, I dislike wine that isn’t dry. And second, I would rather drink a smaller quantity of something good than a larger one of something bad. And I don’t mix my wine. Some people actually put Cola in wine. One thing that amused me, as an anecdote, was one such person criticizing another: I understand drinking red wine with Cola, I do it all the time, but white wine with Cola is just weird. White wine is with Sprite or mineral water. But the șpriț has its reasons: if you want to drink all night and keep hydrated, half wine and half water works better. You don’t get pissed as fast.
Old school sifon
As an anecdote, most people use bottled mineral water now. But back in the day – 80, 90 or so, it would be sifon, which I don’t know how to translate other than soda water. This was basically tap water with CO2 added. There were special places – sifonarie – where you would take your reusable bottles to refill. The bottles had a special head.
The main white grapes cultivated in Romania are Fetească Alba, Fetească Regală, Riesling, Aligote, Sauvignon Blanc, Muscat Ottonel, Pinot Gris, Chardonnay, Tămaioasă Românească, Grasă de Cotnari, Francusă, Galbenă de Odobești, Crâmpoșie Selectionata, Mustoasă de Mădarat, Zgihară de Huși, Sarba, Plavaie, and several others. Riesling is mostly Italian Riesling, but small amounts of Rhine Riesling have been planted recently, for the local need of a wine with just a hint of petrol in the nose. The largest amounts are planted with the local grapes Fetească albă and Fetească regală, together being 18% of plantations.
The main red grapes planted are Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon, Băbească Neagră, Fetească neagră, Pinot Noir, Burgund Mare, Traminer Roz, Busuioacă de Bohotin, Cadarcă. Merlot is the most planted red grape, with about 12 thousand hectares. (As a side request for the admins, please catbutt any post saying they won’t drink any fucking Merlot.)
I will not talk of international grapes much, but focus on the local ones. While there are several varieties, a fraction of the pre-phylloxera varieties still exist. I think there are probably lost varieties still grown among villages off the beaten track, but there is no project or funding to identify and preserve them (one of the things I would fund were I a billionaire). Many more were probably lost in the recent frenzy to replant everything with Cabernet and Syrah and other such invasive species.
Fetească is sort of the local flagship grape, both in white (alb means white) and red (negru means black). Fetească Alba is a white clone of Fetească Neagra. Feteasca comes from the word fata, meaning girl, and it could be translated as young girl like. I do not know how this came about. Another common grape Băbească neagra (red fruit, higher acidity), comes from babă which means old woman. Băbească is to Fetească maybe stretching it a bit what Pinot is to Cabernet, and is used to make lighter somewhat fresher and fruit forward wine. Fetească is the more serious grape, making more complex wines. There is an old saying, heteropatriarchical I would think, about how young men like the older woman and old men like younger girl (meaning youth prefer the lighter wines from Băbească and the older, with or without candy, like the more complex Fetească). Băbească also has it’s white wine clones Băbească Albă sau Băbească gri, but these are very rare.
The general harvest date for Fetească Neagra (considered typical with a significant aroma of dried plum) is around 15 September, having a growth period of 160-170 days. They get about 230-240 g/l of sugar and acidity of around 7 g/l. I will not give technical notes on other grapes. For more info there are encyclopedias for this sort of thing.
Negru de Dragasani
Less common red wine varieties which make, in my view, good wine are Negru de Drăgășani (black cherries, blackberries, blueberries and other dark fruit) and Novac (raspberries, sour cherry, cloves, black pepper, dark chocolate – I do not do tasting notes myself so I just copied these from some professional wine taster, I find describing wines in such detail a bit silly), both from Drăgășani, a wine region in southern Romania, and both obtained by different crossings of an old Romanian pre- phylloxera grape Negru Vârtos with the grape Saperavi. They make a velvety red wine with some aging potential and one of the local candidates to making what some might call “Great Wines.” Negru Vârtos – meaning strong, powerful black – was one of the more appreciated pre phylloxera wines of Romania, and it was preserved in Negru de Drăgășani and Novac.
As a note, many of the wines that are traditional to Romania (which contains the subregion Moldova) are also common in the now independent country Moldova. Some say one grape comes from one or other, but being that the language and culture are mostly common (despite the best efforts of Russians to make Moldova Russian), I do not think it is relevant. Jancis Robinson makes claims about this, for example, but I find it meaningless. The national grape of Moldova is Rară neagră which is simply another name for Băbească Neagra.
Now to go through a few more grapes quickly… Grasă de Cotnari -gras means fat – is the flagship grape of the Cotnari region and is used to make sweet, aromatic white wine – and I remember reading that it was also planted in South Africa for this purpose. Fetească Regala is a cross between Fetească Alba and Grasă de Cotnari in order to get a more aromatic wine, but used for dry whites. Francusă is the Cotnari grape used for dry and rather acidic wine. In the old days people in general preferred sweet wines to dry, but the legend goes that Cotnari wine was generally so sweet that the boyars occasionally drank some Francusă as a palate cleanser.
Crâmpoşia is one of the grapes believed to date back to ancient Dacia. Crâmpoșie Selecționată was obtained from Crâmpoșie crossed with a grape called Gordan, which I know little about, in order to solve some problems with sterile vines. It has high acidity and is used to make fresh, fruity whites. While traditionally used for dry wines, the possibility of both high sugar and high acidity made it useful for semi sweet and sparkling wines (Prince Stirbey vineyard makes a good sparking from Crâmpoșie). Another local wine use for sparkling is Mustoasa de Madarad, from the Arad region of western Romania.
Tămaioasă Românească – tămaie means frankincense – is of the main white grapes used in Romania to make sweet aromatic wine. Although traditionally only used for sweet, some dry varieties were produced recently, due to the changing of tastes towards dry wines – Romanians still like a lot of sweet or semi-dry wines but tastes are shifting. Some of the dry versions were, in fact, pretty good. The grape is related to the French Muscat de Frontignan. A variation called Tămaioasă Roza – used to make a rose sweet wine – is actual Muscat de Frontignan, but they are, apparently, not allowed to call it that.
Another sweet rose wine of some fame is Busuioaca de Bohotin. Busuioc means basil and it is a reference to the wine being quite aromatic. This was, during communism, grown on a limited surface and was reportedly Ceaușescu’s favourite. Due to this – the dictator drunk it and the people didn’t get any – after communism it got real popular because everyone wanted to drink Busuioaca. In the 90’s, probably 10 times more Busuioaca was sold than produced, a cheap, sweet red wine of the poorest quality. Recently, a few reputable producers made some, and while I’m not a fan, it can be pretty good as sweet wines go.
As far as international grapes, I would say that if you are a fan of Pinot Noir, I would be very careful buying Romanian one. It is most likely bad, and not very typical due to the hot summers. Say what you will of Romania as a wine region, Burgundy it is not. Not even, say, Oregon. Furthermore, Pinot Noir was mostly made in Romania as a semi-sweet red wine of poor quality. It was what Romania was known in the past in England and Germany for – bad cheap Pinot for students and drunks.
I was thinking of making one more post on recommended Romanian wines, but due to the availability in the states, there is little point. I already mentioned the wineries I like in the first post. Most wines from those are good. To highlight a few, Fetească Neagra I like from SERVE (Guy Tyrel de Poix), Bauer (FN quite different style to others), Davino, Balla Geza (Stone Wine Fetească Neagra) and Ferdi Feteasca Neagra – although this is nearly impossible to get in Romania, small family winery which does not really retail in stores, you need to know a guy. . . For Negru de Drăgășani and Novac the top is Prince Stirbey. There are other producers in the Drăgășani area that make it and only one outside, Via Marchizului Negru de Drăgășani from the somewhat hotter Dealu Mare, but an interesting variation of the wine. White wines I drink less of, but recommend the same producers. Stirbey and Bauer make great Sauvignon Blanc, but that is not a local grape. Bauer is the main oenologist of Stirbey, who made his own boutique winery with great results and even made the first Orange wine in Romania.
About where to get it … TotalWine apparently has the mid-range Recas, which OMWC reviewed. The net said something about Mariano’s in the Chicago area, but we will have to ask Swiss if that is true. Mission Liquor & Wines Pasadena, CA, had, at least on the website, Nedeea – a blend of Fetească Neagra, Negru de Drăgășani and Novac and some Panciu which should be decent if not spectacular. The website has some stuff on it, no idea if it retails or how. Besides that… who knows.
So this week, I will try and mix it up a bit. Since for some of us it feels like spring already, I will try to draw some attention to the second coming of Glibertarians Beer it Forward. After discussing it with its owner, the gentleman known around here as Nephilium, I decided to turn this into a bit of a contest. The details of which I will explain later.
This is my review of Grand Canyon Brewery Shaggy Bock.
Williams, AZ is not particularly well known. Most people drive around it, but for a long time they had to drive through it. Like many towns in the area there is a cheap draw for tourism but this one isn’t as flimsy or as popular as a town a couple hours to the east.
Roll Tide
Route 66 is actually a collection of highways that was renamed as a single highway in 1926. It began in Chicago to the east and ended in Los Angeles to the west and routed through 8 states in total. It is romanticized in American culture by John Steinbeck in The Grapes of Wrath as the mother road, a show in the 60’s, and a song first sung by Nat King Cole. Today it is mostly merged with other active highways, notably Interstates-55, 44, 40, 15, 10. There are a number of towns that lay claim to the highway, such as Winslow, and others like Flagstaff maintain it as part of their municipal roadways. It is for this reason I can technically scratch off riding a motorcycle down Route 66 off my bucket list, because it runs through Flagstaff. Another fun fact, there is a restaurant in Flagstaff called the Dog Haus, that claims the entire scene on the corner in Winslow occurred there when it was a Wienerschnitzel. “Flagstaff” just didn’t roll off the tongue like “Winslow.” That is their claim, not mine. If you choose to investigate this yourself, I suggest ordering the chilli dog, they’re pretty damn good.
Where does Williams fall into this? On June 27, 1985 Williams, AZ was the last locality to officially decommission Route 66 as a highway. Being first gets you in the history books, but sometimes there is some honor in being last. Williams is also the starting point of the longest portion of the highway that is still drivable. Williams didn’t die like other towns because of another attraction: The Grand Canyon Railroad.
Here you can avoid driving north to the Canyon and avoid what really is a boring drive once you get past the San Francisco Peaks. It routes north through the mountains and gives you a more scenic ride to the park. They also convert the train to a Polar Express theme around Christmas and steam up towards a “North Pole,”. They’ll even give your kids a bell as a souvenir.
This isn’t a straightforward bock. It is light like all lagers and has a smooth malty character. The twist is this one contains the byproduct of one of our favorite inventions: the woodchipper. They call it a “flavor bomb” but it’s a bunch of wood chips secured in a bag. This gives the beer a similar effect to barrel aging without the added expense of storing it in a barrel. It is quite enjoyable variety in a style that sometimes gets overlooked; Shiner Bock aside. Grand Canyon Brewery Shaggy Bock: 4.0/5.
Here’s where the contest comes in. This is a limited release from a local brand that doesn’t have much of a footprint outside AZ. Which makes it perfect for the Glibertarian Beer it Forward coming up this spring. I have purchased a second bottle and stored it appropriately next to the boiler. Hopefully, I don’t need to turn it on in the next few weeks. In an attempt to generate interest for this next BIF, I will be sending this to the Glib member whose name I will be randomly assigned. So if you think you want this, sign up! This has the added benefit of at least one of you knowing that I’m not crazy. Well, at least within a respectable spectrum of crazy.
necktie
Need something even MORE decadent? Ok. Let’s drink some Left Hands. The Left Hand is a Bourbon Boulevardier using Campari and Carpano Antica. But things get a little interesting by adding Chocolate Bitters and a brandied cherry garnish. Bitter Truth Xocolatl Mole bitters are generally preferred here, but Fee Brothers Aztec Chocolate Bitters will work, too. Most recipes call for 2 dashes, but I find that to be a little too understated. I usually opt for 3 or 4 (depending on the ratios and volumes I’m mixing). As previously mentioned, the Carpano Antica has some vanilla and cocoa notes that play really well with bourbon. The chocolate bitters bring those flavors to the fore and the whole thing works beautifully. Play around with it and I’m sure you’ll find a ratio you like.
Here you can avoid driving north to the Canyon and avoid what really is a boring drive once you get past the San Francisco Peaks. It routes north through the mountains and gives you a more scenic ride to the park. They also convert the train to a Polar Express theme around Christmas and steam up towards a “North Pole,”. They’ll even give your kids a bell as a souvenir.