Here at Glibertarians.com, we have had some good preliminary skirmishes over TEH BEST BURGER – Major combatants in the field so far are; In-N-Out, Whataburger, 5 Guys, Culver’s, Fatburger, and a couple of cursory mentions of the Golden Arches, Wendy’s, and the like. I am here to report that at the Glibs HQ, this has broken out into all out civil burger war. Being Swiss at heart, I have remained neutral. But, next thing I knew, french fries were being dragged into the conflict… a couple of snarks about shakes were seen as well.
As this conflict swells into a new PIZZA WAR sized fight, we can only take advantage of it by having an open post and letting the combat rage! Defend your burger! Denounce your foe’s fries! Establish shake superiority!
Oh, the innocents caught in the line of fire!
Only one rule….we are talking chains here. Regional or National. Because if we went down to the local/one location level – everyone would have to bend the knee to Nick’s, in Lemont, Illinois.
So last night we had dinner guests. Heroic Mulatto and Swiss joined OMWC, Webdominatrix, and me in a falafel fest. Conversation was fueled by the excellent Woodford Reserve bourbon sent along by SugarFree. We also opened a bottle of the Recas recommended to us by Pie in the Sky. Swiss brought along some La Trappe Witte Trappist, in which I did not indulge, not being fond of beer. (Don’t worry, I made up for it in bourbon intake.)
After dinner, we started talking about personality tests. True, many of them are outright BS. However, I’m a fan of the Enneagram. (YMMV)
The Enneagram divides everyone into one of nine interconnected types. Over the years I’ve found that it can be a helpful tool to attain a little insight into my worldview and that of others. I am very typical of people who fall into my personality style number. OMWC is very much what one would expect based on his number. So are my kids.
A very accessible basic book is The Enneagram Made Easy. I usually have a couple copies because I frequently give it away after a discussion such as last evening’s.
The party broke up rather early as it was a school night. And one of the guests did indeed leave with a book.
Thanks for coming over, HM and Swiss! I am feeling very lucky that I know such interesting and delightful people.
I got Bella on 3/4/17. My oldest granddaughter wanted a puppy, and we were looking for a new dog anyway, so I saw this:
And I got one. And now she’s about 14 months old. So this is our anniversary. On to Destruction!
A few shirts:t
She is much better about what she chews, but she is That Which Chews. So I buy $5 worth of rope a week for us to play with, and for her to tear up.
Here’s my hardwood ukulele stand that I found in my bed one morning:
I wake at 5 AM and she wakes at 5:15, ready to play, and if I don’t play, she flips out and starts throwing her toys about and hilarity ensues. I end up doing some hardcore upper body exercise that I certainly don’t need, but I guess she does. My dog follows my every move. She watches me. She knows when I’m going to work, and hides out ’til I get back. She greets me with great fanfare, yet waits until I have all my work shit off before she comes for love. And she gets lots!
She knows she can clear the porch wall and do anything she wants, but she sits and waits for my signal. That’s a good pup, IMO.
Bella is finishing out at about 30 pounds, a mid-weight cruiser dog, and damn, what a good dog!
She loves porter and a good stout and meat! Just like a good hum–I mean dog does….
Am I hopelessly in love with my dog? You betcha!
Music both you and your dog can appreciate:
And:
Pet your dog. Give ’em a treat. Bella says, “Arf!”
“Naturally, I’m misanthropic. But the Negronis are helping considerably.” -Anthony Bourdain in The Nasty Bits.
Now that my wife is a professor, and I’ve shifted my career to become a professor at a hilariously shitty community college, it turns out there are some pretty cool upsides. For the first time ever, we get to enjoy BOTH spring break AND not being poor at the same time. That means it’s time to drink some tasty booze instead of Popov vodka Jell-O shots or whatever nasty shit I can no longer remember drinking in college.
Hi. I’m Negroni Please and I’m here to help you get fucked up.
It seems wrong to talk about drinking and not start with my namesake. So, let’s get down to some Negroni business. For those of you not in the know (and are too goddamn lazy to google it) a Negroni is equal parts Gin, Campari, and Sweet Vermouth with an orange twist. Easy peasy.
Allegedly some dude named Count Negroni asked his bartender to fortify his favorite drink, an Americano, and the bartender whipped up the first Negroni by adding some gin to the cocktail. So basically an Americano (made with equal parts Campari and Sweet Vermouth, with a splash of soda) is the boring buttoned-down Ward Cleaver drink and a Negroni is the “FUCK YOU DAD” version.
Pointless Side Note: According to Wikipedia, James Bond drinks an Americano in “From a View to a Kill” because “in cafés you have to drink the least offensive of the musical comedy drinks that go with them.” I don’t know what that means. But James Bond said it, so I’m certain it’s sophisticated and dripping with panache.
Regardless of the supposed origin, sometime around 1919 this wonderful cocktail took off AND THE WORLD WAS NEVER THE SAME. Or something.
So what do you need to make an acceptable Negroni? The obvious, classic, no-brainer answer here is Campari. Campari is a type of Italian bitters with a beautiful ruby hue. Once upon a time, this color was achieved with carmine dye which is made from crushed bugs. Unfortunately, those days are over, and now we get artificial coloring instead of all-natural organic bug parts. Campari is essentially just an herbs/fruit infusion in alcohol, and my wife says it tastes like she imagines cough syrup from the Great Depression would taste. Whatever. She likes Michelob Ultra and mixes flavored LaCroix with her red wine so it’s not like her opinion matters here.
If this description of Campari doesn’t already have you running out to the liquor store to buy some, then you just need to watch this 1984 Campari commercial by none other than Federico Fellini.
What the fuck was that? I don’t know either, but I do know that now you want some Campari. That’s the power of marketing, baby.
Next up you need Gin and Sweet Vermouth. If I’m just mixing up some cocktails for a random after work drink, then I’m all about cheap and ubiquitous. New Amsterdam Gin is cheap enough for homeless people and actually works pretty well in most cocktails. And even Yanomami Indians in the heart of the Amazon have access to Martini & Rossi sweet vermouth. Mix equal measures of these ingredients and add an orange peel twist and you’re all set.
But what about those times where you need something a little more refined? Something smooth and sophisticated like…. SPRING BREEEEEEAAAAAAK!
Well, first off, you can keep the Campari, as it’s always a welcome addition to the drink, but you should consider giving Gran Classico a shot at the title. Next, you should up the ante with your other booze. The most perfect vermouth ever gifted to man by the liquor gods is Carpano Antica. This stuff is pricy (for a mixer) but the vanilla and cocoa notes are well worth it for a quality cocktail. Especially when paired with Gran Classico, it makes for an excellent Negroni. But you don’t have to stop there! Carpano Antica is also perfect friends with bourbon and makes killer Manhattans. For gin, you should pick your favorite top shelf gin. My favorite is St. George Dry Rye, but you can’t go wrong with any St. George gin. For you Hendrick’s lovers out there though, keep that nifty little apothecary bottle on the shelf. Hendrick’s is a bit too delicate to hold up well in a Negroni, and you end up wasting it while the drink’s balance is a little off.
OK. We’ve done the basic Negroni which is good. But it’s time to expand on the Negroni and get to the drinks in this family that really shine.
Looks suspiciously similar to a Negroni…
The Boulevardier
Despite my name being Negroni Please, the Boulevardier is actually my favorite cocktail, but Boulevardier Please just doesn’t have the same ring to it. The Boulevardier is pure awesomeness and you NEED to learn how to make it at home, because absolutely no one wants to be caught trying to pronounce Boulevardier in public after a drink or two.
The Boulevardier proves that the best way to improve on the bright complexity of a Negroni is to swap out the gin and bring Whisk(e)y to the party. According to some (other) douche on the internet:
“A simple substitution? Hardly. The bittersweet interplay between Campari and vermouth remains, but the whiskey changes the storyline. Where the Negroni is crisp and lean, the Boulevardier is rich and intriguing. There’s a small difference in the preparation, but the result is absolutely stunning.”
Also, you’re going to change your ratio a bit. The Boulevardier can certainly be made in the simple 1:1:1 ratio of the Negroni, but these days most people up the whiskey and go for a 1.5:1:1 ratio or even a 2:1:1 ratio. For me it depends on the proof of the whiskey. Anything 80 proof automatically gets a 2:1:1 pour from me, and the 100 proof stuff usually gets a 1.5:1:1. Play with your booze of choice and find the ratio you like. The more whiskey centric your ratio is, then the more this drink turns into a riff on a Manhattan. The less whiskey you use, then the more the Campari shines and the drink is closer to a classic Negroni.
I don’t really like Gran Classico in my Boulevardiers so I stick with Campari. As already mentioned, Bourbon and Carpano Antica are so good together they’ve got to be boning behind closed liquor cabinet doors. So stick with the Carpano Antica. (If you’re feeling cheap, then any sweet vermouth should work in a pinch. I’d stay away from Dolin though. It’s a little too light to hold up well in this booze fest).
What whisk(e)y to pick though?
My absolute favorite bourbon for pretty much anything is Eagle Rare. Unfortunately, neckbearded hipsters buy anything from Buffalo Trace as soon as it hits the shelves, so sometimes that’s not an option. If you’re a rye fan, then you likely already know that Rittenhouse Rye is a powerhouse that works in pretty much every whiskey cocktail. If you want to go the bourbon route, then you can’t go wrong with anything Bottled in Bond as the higher proof helps the bourbon stand up to Campari’s bullying. Old Granddad 100 (or 114 for that matter) are good choices, as is the Evan Williams 100 (but the lower proof expressions of both are too soft, weak, and girly). In general though, just pick any bottle you like and I’d bet you can find a ratio where your favorite whiskey works well with the Campari and Vermouth. Personally, I would avoid the wheaters though. That same wheaty softness that makes them so smooth also gives a slightly muted flavor profile that gets crushed by the Campari. While Weller 12 is a kickass bottle to drink neat, I find it washes out too much in most cocktails. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
Also if you wanna get fancy schmancy you should flame your orange twist for this one, as allegedly the flamed twist pairs well with the slight smokiness of the whiskey. I don’t know. I can’t really tell much difference, but over-earnest bartenders (ahem. That’s Mixologist mother fucker) with handlebar moustaches assure me this is the case.
Need something even MORE decadent? Ok. Let’s drink some Left Hands. The Left Hand is a Bourbon Boulevardier using Campari and Carpano Antica. But things get a little interesting by adding Chocolate Bitters and a brandied cherry garnish. Bitter Truth Xocolatl Mole bitters are generally preferred here, but Fee Brothers Aztec Chocolate Bitters will work, too. Most recipes call for 2 dashes, but I find that to be a little too understated. I usually opt for 3 or 4 (depending on the ratios and volumes I’m mixing). As previously mentioned, the Carpano Antica has some vanilla and cocoa notes that play really well with bourbon. The chocolate bitters bring those flavors to the fore and the whole thing works beautifully. Play around with it and I’m sure you’ll find a ratio you like.
As for the brandied cherries. You can make your own like a good little hipster, but if you’re lazy like me then you simply want a jar of Luxardo Cherries. These little dark orbs of deliciousness elevate any cocktail that calls for a cherry and they don’t taste like those nasty neon-red maraschino cherries that you grew up with. Save those for your Shirley Temples. If you’ve never had Luxardo Cherries, then you are missing out. Even if you ignore all this nonsense, you should get a jar of these babies and stick ’em in pretty much any booze concoction you can come up with. Or just eat them. Mmmmmmmmm, booze cherries. Seriously. They are ridiculously good.
Now go forth, you lushes and imbibe the bitter-sweet ambrosia of the gods. I’ve got one more shitty lecture to prepare before SPRING BREEEEEAAAAK and then I’ll be drinking myself into sweet oblivion.
I am going to try to spice things up a bit and tell you about that one time I went to Jamaica. Turns out, the cruise ship I was on made a stop there and I got to look around a bit as the bus drove us to Montego Bay. Okay, maybe I just got the Cliff’s Notes version of Jamaica, but the island seemed like a nice place, at least the tourist areas. Something I found kind of odd was when the group transferred from one Jamaican chaperone to the other, they all seemed to fill in the time by telling the group about their country’s tax code.
No, seriously.
This is my review of the beer in the short, stubby, ugly bottle: Red Stripe!
I have been dying to use that picture.
First, I got off the ship and hopped on the bus. The bus driver explained a few things unique to Jamaica, such as their habit of locals letting loose their goats off the side of the road. It served two purposes: to feed their goats and to keep the grass trim, that way the government saves money cutting grass along the side of the highways. Clever. He also explained that Jamaica had a general consumption tax and a property tax. That was it.
Later the guys on the catamaran said the same thing. There’s a general consumption tax, and a property tax, but they also explained there was a tax on some imported goods, like gasoline. Then a different bus driver again explained their tax code.
I thought that was pretty cool, if true. Maybe there are places besides the US where a libertarian can be somewhat welcome. After all, they had pretty well maintained roads, even by US standards and there was other infrastructure like overhead powerlines and sewers. They even speak English! Snorkeling with my 3 year old only created more interest; perhaps something rubbed off on this particular former British colony. This one has some awesome things to do and the people here seemed to be every bit as fun as you want them to be.
Nope. I was wrong.
Here is a basic breakdown of Jamaica by the things that people around here tend to pay attention to. As always, everyone here is welcome to call bullshit.
State Legitimized Theft
There is a tax on real property, but it is broken down by value as determined by the Jamaican government. This table below has a breakdown of property values.
There is also a tax levied upon the transfer/sale of real property of 5% or 1% for shares–if the capital gains made on the property exceed 37.5%. There is also a stamp duty for the same transactions of 1% of shares and 4% for real property–there are exemptions on the stamp duty for shares sold on the Jamaican Stock Exchange.
General Consumption Tax. It’s basically a VAT at 16.5%. Taxes on some imported goods, such as petroleum products and alcohol apply.
There is no income tax!…..if you make under 1,500,000 JMD/year. Over that, its a flat 25% unless you make more than 6,000,000 JMD/year–then it is 30%. There are also some considerations for Jamaicans living abroad vs. on the island.
You’ll like this one. There is no tax on capital gains or inheritance.
Minimum Business Tax: 60,000JMD/year for all corporate bodies. This also applies to tradesmen, professionals, and businesses exceeding 6,000,000 JMD/year–this tax can be deducted from an individual’s income tax. Source
It is well-known that Ganja is illegal. Culturally, they don’t care. In fact, I was propositioned twice to purchase Ganja and I was on the island for about 10 hours.
4.-(1) The following Commonwealth citizens (not being persons deemed to belong to the Island as defined by subsection (2) of section 2) are prohibited immigrants-
(a) any person who is likely if he entered the Island to become a charge on public funds by reason of infirmity of body or mind or of ill-health or who is not in possession of sufficient means to support himself and such of his dependants as he shall bring with him to the Island;
(b) any idiot or epileptic or any person who is insane or mentally deficient or any person who is deaf and dumb or deaf and blind, or dumb and blind, unless in any such case he or a person accompanying him or some other person gives security to the satisfaction of the Chief Immigration Officer for his permanent support in the Island or for his removal therefrom whenever required by the Chief Immigration Officer;
(c) any person certified by a Health Officer to be suffering from a communicable disease which makes his entry into the Island dangerous to the community;
(d) any person over sixteen years of age who by reason of deficient education is unable to fill up the prescribed form of declaration for immigrants in his own handwriting and is likely to become a charge on public funds;
(e) any prostitute or any person who may be living on or receiving or may have lived on or received the proceeds of prostitution; cf, the children under the age of sixteen years being dependants of a prohibited immigrant;
(g) any member of a class of persons deemed by the Minister on economic grounds or on account of standard or habit of life to be undesirable immigrants and so declared by order published in the Gazette; […] “
On the surface, they look like they are on par with one of the more restrictive states in the US. In practice? Forget it.
I tried. Jamaica is no libertarian paradise, but the goat curry is tasty.
So is Red Stripe any good? Not really. The owner of the $400,000 catamaran generously informed us the Red Stripe was on him at the boat’s mini bar, just tip the nice lady serving you. So in effect, its cheap enough that even Jamaicans give it away for free. It’s not without its charms though and certainly something I’d grab out of nostalgia for that time I went snorkeling with my family in Montego Bay. Red Stripe Jamaican Lager 2.0/5.
It might surprise you to know that I have travelled to 32 states. By travel I don’t mean pass through. By that definition, I’ve been to over 40. In that time, since I’ve been an adult at least, there has been one thing that comes up up from time to time, is some states are shall we say, lacking.
This is my review, of Stone Arrogant Bastard Ale.
Where were they lacking? At 7.2% abv this is over twice what some states will allow for sale in grocery stores.
Thankfully, Arizona does not participate in such asshattery. As it turns out Arizona has lax laws regarding alcohol with the exception of hours when you can purchase: 6AM-2AM the next day, 10AM-2AM on Sunday, but nobody seems to enforce Sunday. They also defer to Federal laws as far as what you can purchase. So anything approved by BATFE is legal for sale at a grocery store. Drive through liquor stores are also legal. Some restrictions were in place in terms of the volume a local brewer could produce and distribute but was lifted a little over a year ago. Overall, not bad for a state overrun by socons who kept John McCain in office for over 30 years. See how your state compares, here.
Other states? Some of them are pretty weird.
The fourth Friday of every October is dedicated to teaching kids about the dangers of overindulgence in the Palmetto State. They do this in honor of Frances Willard. She was a temperance reformer who helped pass the Eighteenth amendment to the Constitution. I’ll give her some credit though, as she at least recognized an amendment was necessary for her to impose her stupid ideas over everyone. I will concede, some of her stupid ideas included allowing women to vote. Thankfully, the Air Force moved me when they did, because among other reasons, had I stayed there I’d have no money on account of putting three kids through Catholic School.
Not to be outdone for stupidity. Colorado where you can’t make it over a mountain pass without tripping over another brewery does not allow the sale of beer in grocery stores. Well, it does but it must be 3.2% or less, which explains Coors light. It has spawned a common practice of having a liquor store on nearly every corner. Which is convenient when you run into your squadron’s Chief Master Sergeant and he says something to the tune of, “yeah, I got a….retirement to attend. Need to bring a gift.” I can reply with, “you don’t need to explain anything to me, Chief” and find a new booze merchant.
Finally, the dumbest alcohol law comes from where else? Florida. Where after a week of Silver Flag the blonde bartender asked, “So, you boys from Silver Flag?”
“Oh yeah.” Where she immediately went from bubbly girl from the panhandle to scaring the hell out of five guys that spent the last week running around with guns, training in MOPP4 and building a BEAR base in the woods in the middle of June.
“You’re not EOD are you!?”
See! Look how much fun they are having.
I replied, “Can I get the shrimp po-boy?” I woke up a few hours later on the bus back to Hurlburt. In Florida, establishments selling alcohol can be fined $1000 for allowing or participating–in a dwarf throwing contest. Well done, Florida.
This beer has the distinction of quite literally, telling it’s customers not to buy it. Reading the back of the label brings to mind Larry Correia’s infamous rant about the German arms company, Heckler and Koch. Click at your peril, it is a tad dated and Larry is a professional rant artist, so this will take a while to read.
They are right though, its not for everyone. It has a high malt complexity and is balanced out by an obscene amount of hops. It is as about as balanced and flavorful as it gets without going into the barleywine category. Once you get past the stage where this is truly intense and it begins to be just another beer, Stone has you covered with the Double Bastard.
A couple days ago, you may have noticed certain people had a black cross tattooed across their foreheads. You may have chuckled a bit at such foolishness, but not at me. Because I didn’t go to the mass? No. I happened to grow up in a part of Phoenix where a large number of kids at school were going to ask me what’s with the cross on the forehead? Between the popped collar crowd and, well–(((them))), it was a conversation that got old fast.
While I went to mass, I decided I didn’t need the whole world to know I did. I had the good sense to wash it off when I got to work. If I’m going to burn in Hell, let’s be real, it’s not going to be for that.
This is my review of The Bosteels Brasserie Tripel Farmelier.
Here, I will explain what I preferred not to explain before. Ash Wednesday is the start of Lent. Lent is not supposed to be be some form of medieval self punishment. Unless you want it to be, in which case I leave you here with this guy.
For everyone else, it’s simply a time for prayer and fasting. The word itself is derived from the Middle English word Lenten, which means springtime. The days after all, are lengthening this time of year–get it? Its origin as a time for spiritual renewal was brought about by the tradition of baptizing Catechumens on the Saturday before Easter. Now you know why I never go to Easter Saturday mass, because its three hours long and. It. Takes. Forever…..to watch these people get dunked.
The fasting part was something that developed during the 4th century AD (…or CE) and was typically observed by monks. It might seem like a convenient time to go without eating anything given the abbey was probably running out of food by the end of the winter, but the time of year the fast begins has been as early as January. This time in history is also when it became linked with the traditional 40 days. No one is really certain how Ash Wednesday became recognized as the start of Lent, but for our purposes it is when it is observed. The fast part is now observed by Catholics “giving up” something. There are some theological origins to this, such as the story found in Luke 4:1 to 4:13, but the fast is now more or less observed by going without something. Whether that be something trivial like chocolate, or something more of a challenge like bread, eggs, or milk, its up to the individual. After all, even the monks did not starve themselves. They stayed alive by drinking beer.
By the way, in the interest of full disclosure, this is all relevant because I give up beer for lent. Every year. That and meat, because you’re not supposed to eat meat on Friday and quite frankly I screw that up at breakfast so I just make everyday Friday.
The beer we now associate with these monks originates around the 11th century AD (…fine, CE) with the Order of Cistercian Monks.
The Order of Cistercians was founded in 1098 when monks from the Benedictine abbey of Molesme left to form their own monastery in nearby Citeaux, France (Cistercium in Latin), feeling that things were too lax in Molesme. They wished to return to a more strict adherence of the teachings of St. Benedict.
That sounds familiar. Apparently, the Benedictines of Molesme at the time were the Nick Gillespie of Benedictine Monks.
Word got around of these monks who valued the fruits of hard labor and austerity. The nobility at the time began to offer the Cistercians undeveloped tracts of land, knowing they were capable of turning the wild into hubs of social and economic activity. 200 years later, at the peak of their influence, there were over 300 Cistercian sects across Europe. Benedict XII was a Cistercian. It is during this time, the Trappist Ale became associated with Catholic monks.
It is also during this time the naming convention for Belgian Ales were coined. The Cistercians did not discover it, but by then it was well known that by “washing” the wort a number of times they were able to create multiple ales of varying strength from a single batch of wort.
This was first discovered (documented) by the Jesuit brewers who offered a 5% to travelers and used the 2.5% second run beer for themselves. The next big step came when they realized that people would pay a lot more for a stronger beer, more than the cost of the extra grain. This allowed even bigger beers with more runnings. The first runoff would be the richest and brew the best beer. The second would be next best, and the final running would be the weakest. Again, the first would go to the guests and be sold to help maintain the abbey. The second would be for the monk’s use. The last runnings would be for the poor. This is also the likely origin for terms “single,” “double,” “triple,” and “quadruple.”
This allowed the monks to engage in the abbey’s other function: hospitality. Because grapes are not easily grown in Belgium and a law in the early 20th century that outlawed liquor, strong beer became commonplace. The monasteries were no longer the only ones producing Trappist ales. So if it matters to you, if the bottle bears this mark, it was made in a monastery:
Which is good to know, because after a thousand years the patent runs out. This one, made in Canada however, was just as good.
The Trappist Ale is a wheat based variety, but has more of a sour, citrus like taste. There is substantial body to this type of beer, which in a way is quite satisfying, if this is the only sustenance you had that day. Neither of these bear the mark, which is why I mentioned Chimay a short time ago–which does.
I had the Rouge, which was the last for me until Good Friday. Until then, everything I write has been in a sense, pregamed. Enjoy. The Bosteels Brasserie Tripel Farmelier 4.0/5.
I’ve heard a rumor that there was something sportsball related that happened in Philadelphia. I think the Phillies won Fifa or something. So to celebrate, I’ll be bastardizing their one claim to culinary fame – tossing beef, cheese and aromatic veggies on a roll. I’m just not in the mood for bread, so the first change will be to replace the roll with an absurdist substitution. Okay, maybe not as absurd as I could have, but we’re going with portabello mushrooms. Since mushroom caps don’t fold too well, they’ll be more in the role of trenchers for the goop.
Being within the limits of the culinary talents of the residents of Philadelphia, it is a fairly straightforward process. We need to start by greasing a cooking surface. You could use butter, but I decided to go a different way. While collecting ingredients, I spotted salt pork on the grocery shelf. I figured I could use it in much the same was as bacon. I did make one oversight, I didn’t realize they sold salt pork with the skin still attached. This is mainly an inconvenience that made cubing it a bit more of a hassle than it otherwise would have been. I should have got bacon, it’d be easier. But, once chopped up, I tossed it into the pan and started rendering out the pork fat.
Not the prettiest pig.
This part is simple, don’t let the pork stick to the pan, and keep it on medium heat until it lets the lard out. Once it does that and you have a nice, sizzling puddle of grease, it’s time to add the onions. Sliced or diced, doesn’t matter, we’re not being faithful to the original, but we need the onions browned or even caramelized for flavor. Even though you can probably guess what onions in a pan look like, I still took a picture anyway.
Aromatic veggies.
I’m too impatient to wait for the onions to caramelize, so I got out the shaved beef. They claim it’s shaved steak, but the consistency is more like that of a brisket. Doesn’t matter, it’s a brick of beef that has been frozen and fed through a deli slicer. I start piling this in with the onions.
The beef joins the piggy party.
Now, beef this thin cooks really fast, I mean it was less than half a minute between the time I put it in and this next picture.
Some people would call this ‘done’
So I needed to prep my trenchers, and I realized I had far too much beef for the amount of mushroom I had. So I needed plates. When I think of sportsball, I think of food slopped onto cheapass paper plates, so I dropped the ugly mushroom tops onto some of the cheapest I had at my disposal while the beef finished cooking. It was a suitably cheapass looking sight.
It looks so sad.
Now the key thing with the choice of cheese is how easily it melts. Since everything else is completely cooked at this point (except the mushrooms, which won’t be cooked at all), we want something that melts readily. I went with Monterrey Jack, because it will melt if you look at it harshly. I just heaped it on there…
Most things can be improved with cheese.
And stirred it in. Before you know it, we get the goop we’re looking for.
Ready to plate.
We scoop the goop onto our fungal trenchers and… we get something that looks like a Philly street after a sportsball game…
“Splat”
Perhaps I should go and look for inspiration somewhere with a better culinary track record.
Every once in a while, I draw inspiration from the audience. None of you have steered me wrong.
This is my review of Earthquake High Gravity Lager…
Okay. One of you did. I’m not about to start pointing fingers, because its more fun for me to wait until the end.
A primer on Malt Liquor: Brooklyn, the 1970’s
This is a dream, man. A man’s dream. A man named Don Vultaggio At the time he had nothing but a VW, an underserved market, and a dream.
“Vultaggio began delivering malt liquor. This was a dangerous job — so dangerous, in fact, that the breweries’ own truck drivers refused to do it, which is the opening Vultaggio wanted to exploit. He braved stickups and shoot-outs. He hauled cheaper product from upstate wholesalers back into the city, because gas was 30 cents a gallon, and the hassle paid well.”
Relax, this gets better.
“One little fly-by-night distribution operation became a $2 billion beverage empire that now makes everything from malt liquor and flavored malt beverages, to beer, to — wait for it — AriZona Iced Tea.”
True story. Arizona Ice Tea is not a product of Arizona. Actual people from Arizona, that is, the 10-20% of the population that are actually from here, are fully aware it is made in New York. Like that terrible salsa from San Antonio, and their sales pitch– New York City!
You probably know where this is going.
“Ultimately, marketers failed to convince the white bourgeois that malt liquor was the new drink of the white bourgeois. But they did convince someone, albeit unintentionally. The word bubbled up the supply chain, from corner store, to distributor, to brewer, and finally to marketing departments: malt liquor is selling well in black neighborhoods. No one knew exactly why. It wasn’t cheaper than regular beer (that would come in the late ’80s, when Schlitz, then the market leader, undercut the competition and triggered the whole category’s slide from premium to bottom shelf). And the messaging was still white as all hell — in fact, a marketing study from the era suggests that malt liquor’s upper-class packaging may have been a contributing factor to its appeal to black customers, though this is no easy thing to corroborate.”
Alas, I could continue to give you excerpts of this article. I am not going to do that. Am I that lazy? Yes. This article though should be of interest to anyone that values capitslism. After all, it never matters who you sell it to. It matters that you sold it.
“malt liquor’s fortunes have been entangled with America’s sorest social bugbears, from race, to class, to poverty, to whether or not capitalism ought to give a shit about any of those things.”
In spite of the halfhearted attempt to SJW, this article is actually pretty good. Read the whole thing.
So how is Eathquake? It pretty bad. I’m not about to indulge myself in its flat body. Its bitter sweet taste and its nose that reminds me of the bathroom in the gas station. There is no redeeming quality about it. It’s made with enzymes that break down the malt to allow the industrial grade yeast to process the sugar as a monosaccharide. This is depression, and squalor in a can. If it were possible to take being a New York Jets fan, distill it, bottle it, distribute it, market it and ultimately sell it–I imagine it would taste like this. Ultimately, everyone will need a drink from time to time, and at least this one it honest enough that all we will know is that it will do its job–and nothing else. Earthquake Malt Liquor 1.5/5.
Need something even MORE decadent? Ok. Let’s drink some Left Hands. The Left Hand is a Bourbon Boulevardier using Campari and Carpano Antica. But things get a little interesting by adding Chocolate Bitters and a brandied cherry garnish. Bitter Truth Xocolatl Mole bitters are generally preferred here, but Fee Brothers Aztec Chocolate Bitters will work, too. Most recipes call for 2 dashes, but I find that to be a little too understated. I usually opt for 3 or 4 (depending on the ratios and volumes I’m mixing). As previously mentioned, the Carpano Antica has some vanilla and cocoa notes that play really well with bourbon. The chocolate bitters bring those flavors to the fore and the whole thing works beautifully. Play around with it and I’m sure you’ll find a ratio you like.
Where were they lacking? At 7.2% abv this is over twice what some states will allow for sale in grocery stores.
They are right though, its not for everyone. It has a high malt complexity and is balanced out by an obscene amount of hops. It is as about as balanced and flavorful as it gets without going into the barleywine category. Once you get past the stage where this is truly intense and it begins to be just another beer, Stone has you covered with the 
