Glibertarians.com 2018 Archive

Category: Food & Drink

  • How Bout a Cold Brew?

    Sorry for the clickbait, but I know what sells around here. Now if you came here today expecting to read about beer and are going to click off because this is about coffee, stay for just a minute. About a month ago, a coworker noted how much coffee I drink, which started a conversation about how little she drinks. “It’s just so bitter.” I explained the virtues of the cold brew method and this past week she told me how it completely changed her view on coffee. Every time she makes a cup she waits for the bitter bite but it never comes and is now drinking more coffee than ever. So stick with me if you think coffee is too bitter as we explore what cold brew coffee is and how you can make it at home.

    So what is cold brew coffee? Is it just another hipster fad to sell expensive coffee to basement dwellers? Well, yes and no. I know hipsters get a lot of flak here, but they have pushed the boundaries of good food and drink. CB coffee does have some chemistry to back up the hype of superior coffee in the cup. Some people are under the impression that CB coffee is just cold coffee. Although you can serve cold brew coffee over ice, you can also serve it hot, in coffee based drinks or use it for cooking. What makes cold brew cold is the brewing process, not the way it is served. Cold brewing extracts coffee at a lower temperature over a longer period of time. The real magic that the CB process brings is lower tannic acid. Tannic acid is responsible for the bitter/burnt flavor some people find off putting in coffee. Cold brewing also extract less caffeine, although it is not “caffeine free”. Less caffeine and less acid mean less stress on the stomach and a smoother, sweeter cup. Interested in trying it yourself? Read on friend.

    To make your very own cold brew at home you will need a cold brew coffee maker, obviously. Now before you say “Florida Man, I just blew my last paycheck on Blue Mountain Jamaican and a conical burr grinder,” take a breath. A decent cold brew system can be had for 15-20 bucks. I don’t know what that is in shekels so OMWC will have to do his own conversion. A cold brew coffee maker consist of a tube filter inside of a pitcher. The process is simple and pretty much fool proof. You’ll want to stick with a coarse grind, because it will give you a cleaner finished product and a fine grind will heat the coffee defeating the whole purpose. If you haven’t bought a conical burr grinder yet, fear not. Most specialty coffee shops and grocery stores will grind your whole been coffee to order. I would also suggest looking for a medium roast bean if you are trying to avoid that burnt taste. If you want even lower caffeine content, select a dark roast. Now that you have your coarse ground beans, simply fill the filter with ground coffee and fill the pitcher with filtered water. Some people use room temperature water and leave it to brew on the counter for 24-48 hours. I use cold water and let it brew in the fridge for 48 hours. Try it both ways and see what works for you. After the 24-48 hours you remove the center filter and now have a concentrated smooth, low acid coffee. “Now what, Florida Man?” Glad you asked.

    If you want a regular cup of Joe, just add hot water to your cold coffee concentrate. I fill half my mug with CBC and top it off with hot water. Add cream and sugar to taste. If you enjoy cold drinks, pour over ice, add cold water or cream and sugar to taste. I don’t make specialty coffee drinks, but if you do, just remember that this coffee is concentrated and make adjustments accordingly. Feel free to post recipes in the comments for drinks, desserts or even cooking with coffee. So on to the pros and cons of this system.

    Pro:
    Taste: Smooth, sweet coffee
    Reduced Acid: for those with sensitive tummies (lower caffeine)
    Convenient: you don’t have to baby sit this while it brews.
    Cost: The system is cheap.
    Clean up: Carafe does double duty, less to wash

    Con:
    Taste: Hey wait! Yes I put it in both pro & con. Some people like bitter (see IPA drinkers)
    Inefficient: The coffee to water ratio is higher than hot brew systems.
    Time: You can’t make a quick cold brew. You need to plan 24 hours in advance.
    Flexibility: This could be a pro. There are less variable with cold brew. You can adjust grind and steep time, but that is about it.

    Because of the warm response I received for my last article, I have invested my hard earned dollars in not one, but seven brew methods. I’ll write up a “how to” for the others with my famous pro/con opinions. Then, for a grand finale, I plan to do a blind taste test and crown a winner for best brew method. If you have any questions let me know in the comment section.

  • I Don’t Like These People; Here’s Why!

    Really?

    Virtue signaling…it’s everywhere isn’t it? At first it wasn’t that irritating, because it was easily ignored. The only people doing it were the usual suspects that would go away when their 15 minutes of fame were up. Then Twitter came along and verified how much everybody is stupid—except for you. It drives people to drink. Then the booze merchants had to get in on the act.

    I promised myself that when I finally found this I would take it out to the desert and shoot it. Sadly, it was more expensive than I anticipated so I decided I needed to get back at Stone. How can I do it if don’t have a Twitter account?

    This is my review of Budweiser Freedom Reserve Lager (limited release).

    I figure the best way to stick it to them is to leave it on the shelf and buy something else that doesn’t suit Stone’s standard of “independentness.” Even if Budweisser is technically virtue signaling with this one, at least its one I can get behind. For the astonishing price of $16.99 for a dirty dozen, Budweiser will donate a percentage of the proceeds to Folds of Honor, a Veteran’s charity.

    The problem I have with a lot of Veterans charities is how many of them, to put it bluntly: suck. Turns out Veterans like any other seemingly disadvantaged group are used to prey on the compassion of others. In fairness, if somebody wants to donate money, so long as everything is voluntary it is perfectly acceptable for a well meaning individual to do so.

    The most well known example of such a charity is the Wounded Warrior Project. To put it politely: they suck ass.  Given their celebrity endorsements, merchandising, being schilled by Bill O’Reilly every night for ten years, and their extensive marketing campaign it should be no surprise they have a high overhead. I would find it acceptable if that was the only questionable thing they were spending their donations on. TW: NY Times. Except it wasn’t; they were actually paying their executives $½ million salaries and hosting events at five star hotels. It got to the point where Charity Navigator gave them a D rating after they spent 40% of their revenue on overhead. They got better, but for many it’s too little too late. Then there are other scheisters who will use their well-known name to enrich themselves.

    Brand new spinter vans cost money, yo.

    They’re not the only ones, even DAV got a poor rating. This one is my personal favorite, run by a VA employee.

    One I do like is Pat Tillman Foundation.  I’ve participated in one of their events called Pat’s Run, where Arizona State hosts a 4.2 mile long run around Tempe Town Lake and ending at Sun Devil Stadium. Why the odd distance?  He was number 42 at Arizona State.  Its a scholarship fund.

    Folds of Honor seems legitimate enough to me, they too are a scholarship fund.

    About this beer:  if you are leaving it on the shelf because you think it’s going to suck—it might surprise you. It’s a malty red lager based on a recipe recovered at Mount Vernon. Obviously, it’s different due to Washington predating lagers. My only complaint is it could use a bit more body but to be completely honest, this one doesn’t suck. Budweiser Freedom Reserve Lager (limited release): 3/5

  • Masterpiece Cakeshop and the Search for Silver Lining

    This week, the Supreme Court (or SCOTUS, for the cool kids / kids who don’t like to type long words), released their opinion in the case of Masterpiece Cakeshop V Colorado Civil Rights Commission.  Because it’s 2018 and up is down, white is black, and the Black Panther is an Alt-Right parable, SCOTUS rules that the Colorado Civil Right Commission technically lived up to their name and violated someone’s civil rights.  Kids, this is why you call your fundraiser the “Race for the Cure” not the “Walk for Cancer.”

    Everyone expected a bombshell, and most people think this decision was a dud.  Everyone was expecting something along the lines of ‘No, you can’t force someone to bake that cake.’  What we got instead was a ruling that said the Civil Rights Commission clearly hates religious people and therefor their finding is thrown out.

    I’m going to try to convince you that, for us weirdos, this may be a very important dud.  Well, no.  That’s too optimistic.  I’m going to try to convince you it should be a very important dud, but it probably won’t be.

    In broad strokes, Justice Kennedy wrote an opinion a few years ago requiring the government to recognize gay marriage.  He threw in some language that people with religious objections might be wrong, but they aren’t evil.  In standard Kennedy style, it was long on rhetoric and short on formal logic.  Which is OK.  It’s a style.  But it’s one that makes it easy to ignore the parts you don’t like.

    And boy howdy, did our finger-wagging betters ignore that part.  But Kennedy really meant it.  I’ll get back to that in a second.  First, a diversion.

    When thinking about history, context is king.  Why does the First Amendment call out freedom of religion separately and additionally with freedom to assemble?  Same reason we have the Second Amendment.  The Founders knew their history and knew what went down in the British Civil Wars.  What happened?  Well, lots of wars.  Some of it over state suppression of religion.

    And it was very clear to the Founders.  People will die for their religion.  Worse, they’ll kill their neighbors over it.  Better to take it off the table.

    Over the next couple hundred years, this has mostly worked out for us libertarian and libertarian-adjacent folks.  Sure, it’s not logically consistent to call out one kind of moral code and not another.  It probably riles up the kind of libertarians who can spell deontological on the first try.  But in the cause of liberty, I think religion has been a net positive.  Martin Luther was a professor of theology.  Martin Luther King was a reverend.  An open and vibrant market in churches leads to better churches and a more vibrant religiosity of the population compared to state religion.

    And, for the most part, we could rely on the legislative and executive branches of governments to protect generic mainline Protestant freedoms.  Sorry Catholics, no public schools or wine on Sundays for you!

    But the winds of change have been blowing, as anyone who read a newspaper after Obergefell could see.  Legislatures and executives are now more protective of the new mainline morality: left of center secularism.  The court, as we see in Obergefell, is good with this.  In fact, they push farther than the other branches sometimes.  How should we feel about this, as libertarians and libertarian-adjacent folk?

    I think in principle, it’s probably a net win for liberty if it’s handled as a limit on state power.  Let’s face it, “don’t shit on people with fringe theories of morality” is probably an abstract idea that we should be able to get behind.  We’ve got fringy theories sometimes.

    In practice, not so much.  We aren’t seeing left-of-center-secularism leading to restraint on government.  Instead, the whip is now lashing in a different direction.  Surprise, surprise: the left-of-center is now motivated by animus and using state power to score points in the culture war.  This is my shocked face.

    I said Obergefell was kind of rhetorical.  It was.  It was lofty and nice.  It was nice to people with deeply held religious opinions.  “Many who deem same-sex marriage to be wrong reach that conclusion based on decent and honorable religious or philosophical premises, and neither they nor their beliefs are disparaged here.”  Most people skipped right over that and made with the disparaging.  But they shouldn’t have.  See, Kennedy has a very particular and idiosyncratic idea about how the government should relate to the populous.  He thinks it shouldn’t be a tool of animus, used to beat down your political opponents.  Crazy, right?

    But this puts us in a funny spot.  We have two big decisions that should work together.  One says you can’t craft laws that oppress people just because your religion tells you to.  One says you can’t act in a way that oppresses people just because you think they are scum.

    I’m… I’m totally good with that.  If we could use that as the basis for some formal logic, that takes us places.  Polygamy laws were clearly put in place because people had religious differences with the Mormons and because people thought they were scum.  Lots of zoning is pretty clearly an effort to keep ‘those people’ away from us nice folk, for various values of those and nice.  Nixon started the drug war because he hated those long hair hippies always talking about peace and love and brotherhood and voting Democrat.

    Do I think this is going to happen?  Do I think SCOTUS is going to say that any of these rules were motivated by animus and should be thrown out?  Nope.  Kennedy isn’t all about that formal logic, and those in the know think he’s going to retire soon.  And this is a test that is somewhere between mostly impossible and impossible to apply.  All you have to do is mouth the right words if you are a public official.  But there’s worse principals than “you can’t use government to crap on people.”

    So I’m going to sit on my silver cloud here, and say that we are probably in a better place for liberty than we were last week.  Even if not by much.

  • CPRM’s [REDACTED] Salad Recipe

    State's Witness in the Russian investigation.
    Your ingredients.

    So, my [REDACTED] BBQ recipe seems to have struck a nerve with some folks here, while others seemed to like the idea.  So, as the asshole that I am I only listened to the positive comments and I decided to give you my [REDACTED] salad recipe.

     

    This recipe comes north to Wisconsin from my Grandma from the the southern state of [REDACTED].  I made it over the Memorial Day weekend, and as always it was big hit.

     

    First of all, you need to get your ingredients, and as some people noted in the comments to my [REDACTED] BBQ recipe, this recipe is made to feed a whole lot of people, and I don’t really know how to scale it down, given the measurements we use.

    Ingredients:

    10 pounds of [REDACTED]

    1 jar of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

    1 jar of [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

    1 dozen [REDACTED]

    1 Onion

    Seasoned Salt

     

    Take the 10 pounds of [REDACTED] and boil them until firm, yet soft.

    While boiling the [REDACTED] begin to boil the 1 dozen [REDACTED].

    While the [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] are boiling cut 1 jar of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] into small pieces and put in The Large Green Tupperware Bowl. Save the juice in the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] jar.

    Also, dice 1 onion and place in the Large Green Tupperware Bowl.

    When the [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] have boiled long enough, peel and dice to edible size, place into The Large Green Tupperware Bowl.

    Empty one Jar of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] into the bowl.  Then use the juice from the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] jar to clean out the jar of [REDACTED] [REDACTED], pour that into The Large Green Tupperware Bowl.

    Season with seasoned salt to taste and stir. It is great when eaten warm, and even better when chilled.  This is a family classic that everyone will love for generations.

  • Spontaneous Cooking for…Two! Date Night Dinner

    So far, I have mostly talked about cooking for one without recipes. I think everyone should have a more involved dinner they can make for date night. But, even a date night dinner doesn’t need a recipe.

    Let’s think about what a good date night dinner should be. First, I think it should be something special, something that shows you like your date and want to impress them. By this I mean that it should be a little unexpected and, although it is something that takes more work than normal, it should look effortless. Second, you want to spend time with your date, not cooking. That means it should be something that allows you to do the work ahead of time. I’m going to show you how to make a chicken kiev type dish.

    It is much easier than it sounds, it looks impressive and you can do almost all the work and clean up before your guest arrives. A chicken kiev type dish is a pounded chicken breast wrapped around a filling, usually a flavored butter, and then breaded.

    First, make the filling. Traditional chicken kiev is filled with butter, garlic and parsley. Chicken cordon bleu uses ham and cheese. You could do sauteed onions and mushrooms. This is yet another canvas for experimentation; you are limited only by your imagination. I’m going to make a pesto type filling.

    Pesto is basil, garlic, pine nuts, parmesan, salt and olive oil. When I make pesto, I usually make a lot and freeze some. I put basil, chopped garlic, salt, toasted pine nuts, and parmesan in my food processor (a blender works too) and pulse it until it becomes a paste. At this point, I would normally add olive oil, but today I am going to scoop some out and mix it into softened butter.

    Pesto Butter Prep
    Pesto Butter Prep

     

    Then, I put down some plastic wrap and spread the pesto butter on it, roll it up and put it in the freezer.

    Pesto Butter Prep 2
    Pesto Butter Prep 2

     

    I am making a lot of the butter because I will use it in other recipes later.

    Final Pesto Butter Prep - Ready to Freeze
    Final Pesto Butter Prep – Ready to Freeze

    You could do just enough for this dinner.

    Minimal Butter Prep
    Minimal Butter Prep

     

    Basically, this is a compound butter. You can do this with all kinds of herbs. A pat of butter mixed with red wine and herbs is sometimes used as a topping for steak. I put the butter mix in the freezer because we need it to be frozen when we cook the chicken. That helps prevent it running out of the breast, making a mess, and leaving dry chicken behind.

    Next, pound out the chicken breasts. I put two small chicken breasts between sheets of plastic wrap and pound them thin.

    Small Chicken Breasts
    Small Chicken Breasts

     

    I have a meat mallet, but you could also use a small frying pan or sauce pan or even a rolling pin.

    Alternate Pounding Tools
    Alternate Pounding Tools

     

    You want to make the chicken thin with a uniform thickness.

    Pounded Chicken Breasts
    Pounded Chicken Breasts

     

    Get the frozen butter from the freezer, unwrap, and cut a piece for each breast. Then roll the chicken around it and secure with toothpicks. Use plenty of toothpicks – you don’t want to leave it loose and have all your filling disappear when it cooks. Don’t stick the toothpicks through the filling. That just creates holes for the filling to leak out of. At least one or two toothpicks should be pushed through as if it were a pin in a piece of cloth – or, as if you were making a stitch.

    Now we are ready to bread it.

    Wrapped Breasts and Breading Prep
    Wrapped Breasts and Breading Prep

    I add salt and pepper to each pan and paprika to the bread crumbs. I roll the breast in flour and shake off the excess. Dip it in a beaten egg, shake off the excess, then roll it in bread crumbs. I used panko, but you could use corn flakes, regular bread crumbs, cracker crumbs, dried potatoes, whatever. This will get messy, which is why I don’t have pictures of this process or wrapping the breasts. I didn’t want to get my phone all icky. When each one is done, I put it in a pan prepared with cooking spray.

    Breaded
    Breaded

    The breasts should rest to let the coating set. No matter what cooking method you choose – deep fried, pan fried, or baked – you need to let the breaded food rest for a while. Otherwise the breading will fall off. Maybe everyone else knew this, but when I learned this, it made a huge difference in my results.

    The breasts should bake at 375F for 30-40 minutes. I usually turn them about half way through. When done, the breading should be brown and crispy.

    Finished
    Finished

    As always, use a meat thermometer. Make sure you stick it into meat (the ends) and not the filling. Food poisoning isn’t sexy. I chose to bake this because I am making it for a date night. You could deep fry or pan fry it instead, but that would require you to monitor it while it is cooking, taking time away from your date.

    You can do everything but bake the breasts a few hours ahead of your date, leaving you time to clean up the kitchen. It won’t hurt the breasts to spend time in the refrigerator. You could have the oven heated and put the breasts in when your date arrives, leaving time for a glass of wine.

    A dinner needs a side dish. You could serve a pretty salad or boiled potatoes. It is a date night, so keep it light. I am making roasted cauliflower because I can bake it in the same pan as the breasts. Then I only have one messy dish. I just chopped it into florets, tossed them with olive oil, salt, and pepper and put it in the same pan as the chicken. The side dish you choose should pair well with the filling. In the final picture, you can see the filling, which can be used to help season the cauliflower.

    Finished and Sliced
    Finished and Sliced

    Fancy!

    A date night dinner needs one more thing, a dessert. I’ll talk about that another time.

  • Jumping Off a Bridge with the Rest of You — Part 2

    Swiss floated this idea one evening following the daydrinking midday Saturday timeslot.  I was playing mini golf with my children at the time, because they happen to like mini golf. At first I was hesitant about the idea.  Then I remembered how much fun I had researching out an article on malt liquor titled, It Works, Every Time. I was intoxicated with the idea that only in a market based  system can something so terrible be marketable.  People actually want to drink this stuff.  Can you imagine the rancid grog they drink in Venezuela?

    Oh, right.

    I made a mental note of the bum drinks Swiss picked and noted his deadline.  Officers…he required a draft ready for Wednesday, so that it can be reviewed Thursday, scheduled Friday for Saturday at the usual time.  Which means by the time I’m ready to send it on Tuesday my team of monkeys with typewriters have to have it ready by Monday afternoon. They’ll be sitting around smoking Lucky Strikes until Thursday wondering if it got approved….

    First up, is a classic around a game of bones or at the frat house:  Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor.

    Also a Miller product first produced in 1962, Mickey’s is best known for its yellow hornet, and the distinctive wide mouth, waffle patterned bottle.  Typically, two of these are consumed in a single sitting, at the same time.  Many fraternity initiations have insisted pledges complete an ordeal known as the “Edward Forty Hands.” Here a pledge is required to have two of these duct taped to his hands and ordered to drink both over the course of an evening.  Meet a girl? Too bad. Can’t unbutton your fly? Sorry, you’re just going to have to piss yourself.

    The first time I had this I had an unknown quantity of Bacardi Silver and puked up a sink full of foam during W’s first term.  It wasn’t my proudest moment but evidently it allowed for more gut space for the remainder of the 40. It’s still as bad and as hyper carbonated as I remember.

    This one gets 2 out of five dumpsters.

    The second one I also had issues finding initially, as my first choice was Natty Light.  I made due and decided this one was as good as any….

     

    I cracked it open, and then I saw the picture on my refrigerator.

    “Who is STEVE SMITH???  My wife asked. “Is he the guy that played for the Carolina Panthers?”

    “No, worse.”  I replied.

    “The guy on ESPN?”  Again with the endless questions.  Think! How did he get into the house?  “Hello? I’m talking to you.” She said.  “My eyes are up here!”

    Her hand struck my occiput and brought my wits back.  “Maybe not as bad as the guy on ESPN.” I had to call Swiss. I had to come up with a solution first, because Officers don’t like hearing about problems.  They like solutions…..

    ____

    “Thank you for calling Swiss Corpse International Industries, Legal Department.”  Swiss’ receptionist answered.

    “It’s pronounced ‘Core’ you stupid twit.  The last one that failed to learn that was discovered by a team of engineers testing dive watches at the bottom of Lake Geneva.”  I replied back indignantly.

    “Password accepted, I’ll patch you through.” She replied sweetly.

    I was confused.  “Password?”

    “mex, I told you never to call me at this number.”  Swiss said. Something was eating at him. Another inane project?  “You have three minutes…” No. They must have run out of Gruyére in the breakroom again. “…three minutes before I throw another receptionist into Lake Geneva.”

    Damn.  The wrong cheese AND an inane project.

    “Swiss, I have a problem.  STEVE SMITH took my dog.” I decided to be upfront.

    “And by took your dog you mean—?”

    “It’s a Chihuahua, ‘mean’ is physically impossible.  At least I don’t think it is.” I interrupted him. He hates being interrupted.  I can feel the icy, narrowed gaze through the phone.  He was intentionally burning through my three minutes with a look that could ravenously tear open lesser men like a fat kid tearing open the foil on a Toblerone.

    “Look, I don’t like hearing about problems.  Tell me about solutions here.” Judas Priest.  Right on cue.

    “The last time he was seen was in Elephant Butte, New Mexico.  I need somebody to write up the beer review this week so I can track him down and get that little dog back.” I replied. That wasn’t really a solution. He’s going to call me out in that.

    “Heh.  Elephant Butt.”

    “No. Butte.  Elephant Butte.”

    “That’s what I said, Elephant Butt.”

    “Stop that, you’re trying to waste my three minutes!”

    “Yup.”

    “Look can somebody cover my time slot this week?”

    “The way I see it, I’m down two posters this week.  You’ll need to take Sugarfree.”

    “What?  Why?”

    “Nobody knows how to track STEVE SMITH better than him.  You’ll need his help if you want to find that little ass dog.”

    “Have you ever gone hiking in the woods with that guy!?”

    “Pfft. No…Sucker.”

    “That’s not funny.”

    “For me it is.”

    “Can somebody cover me or not?”

    “Yeeeesh, I got it.  I drank an Old English the other day before a board meeting.  The vice-chairman is lucky I didn’t break his wee head off and used it to play rugby.”

    “Umm.”

    “Just meet Sugarfree in Silver City.”

    “Truth or Consequences is closer, and they have an airport.”

    “Tell me about it.  I’m stopping you here.”

    “That wasn’t three minutes.”

    “I know.  I’m wearing a Swiss made, COSC Certified, Omega Speedmaster Man on the motherfucking Moon.  I stopped the chronograph at precisely 2:37 as certified by the Swiss government, because you didn’t come to me with a solution.  This call is over.”

    _____

    “New Mexico.  Its like regular Mexico just with more hippies, sensually fellating carne asada across their thin, pale lips…”  Sugarfree was trying to make conversation.

    “You know, you don’t have to do that.  In fact by making so much noise we’re never going to find STEVE SMITH.”  I interrupted him. Turns out, Sugarfree doesn’t like when people interrupt his stream of consciousness.

    The forest was like any other.  Dry. Green. Patches of dead pine needles strewn across the trail with the occasional dog turd.

    “I lost it.  Who are you? I don’t know where I am.”  He began questioning his existence again.

    “I’m mexican sharpshooter, and Swiss sent you here to help me track STEVE SMITH so I can find my tiny ass dog.”  I explained—for the third time that day.

    “Wait, you called Swiss?”

    “Yes.”

    “At work?”  Sugarfree stared at me, in wide eyed terror.

    “Yes.”

    “Last time I called him at work he sent me his receptionist’s finger.”  He explained.

    “What?”

    “Wanna know where I put it?”

    “Judas Priest, NO!”

    “No need to yell.  The note said, ‘That’s the last time you point fingers at me.’”

    “Wait, he mailed you a pun?”

    “Right?”  He twiddled his fingers in the air.  “Narrowed gaze….” Sugarfree giggled while he pulled a large vial hanging around his neck, popped open the top and gingerly pulled out a tiny spoon.  He then snorted the contents of the spoon. “It keeps me focused…where were we?”

    “Finding STEVE SMITH.”

    “Is that why you have an assault pew pew thingy?”  He said with wide, bloodshot eyes.

    “Yes.  I’m anticipating that I will have to shoot him.”

    “You’ll need a bigger gun.  We should’ve brought Warty.”  Sugarfree stared at the back of his hand.  He then began fumbling the feather boa I purposefully pretended not to notice, around his neck.

    “What are you doing?”

    Sugarfree grasped the boa firmly and pulled it tight around his neck.  His other hand reached into his chinos and rubbed furiously.

    “You need a few minutes?  I can be over there, where this is slightly less awkward.”  I offered.

    Sugarfree kept rubbing.  He stared, unblinking with a small drop of blood running down his nose, into his mouth.

    “It helps me if you say something dirty.”  Sugarfree whispered.

    I raised my AR and flipped off the safety.

    “Relax, I’m just fucking with you.”  Sugarfree pulled his hand out of his chinos to reveal a Beanie Baby.  He tied some fishing wire around its neck and hung it on a nearby tree branch.  “STEVE SMITH needs to be lured by the smell of taint. We’ll set up camp over there.”

    _____

    “Aye-ya-yie!”  Sugarfree shouted in the middle of the night, I woke up, startled.  I grabbed my rifle. “Oooh.  Oooh.  Oooh. Oooh.”

    “Aye-ya-yie!”  He just kept on yelling. “Oooh.  Oooh.  Oooh. Oooh.”

    “What are you doing?”  I asked.

    “I’m communicating with STEVE SMITH.”  Sugarfree replied. “Aye-ya-yie!  Oooh.  Oooh.  Oooh. Oooh.”

    “What, is he here?”  I flipped off the safety on my AR.

    “Yes.  He wants to skeet in your hair.   Aye-ya-yie!”

    Then I turned around and saw him.

    STEVE SMITH AYE-YA-YIE ON BROWN MAN

    OOOH OOOH OOOH OOOH

    _____

    At that point I came to with this little ass dog licking my face.  I was about halfway through the can of Hurricane when I woke up from the lucid nightmare.  I am never drinking this shit again.

    1 dumpster out of 5.

  • Jumping Off A Bridge With The Rest Of You – The Bum Beer Challenge

    Swiss Servator

    I believe it was Brett who warned mexican sharpshooter sometime back about his beer reviews, something to the effect of not letting the commenters goad you into joining them should they jump off a bridge. Well, ms did at least fall off a small pedestrian bridge at the commentariats urging…reviewing “Earthquake“.

    Well, never learning from other’s mistakes…I saw a bit of banter in the comments of one of ms’ fine beer reviews:

    Almost immediately my brain’s higher functions shut down and I started pestering ms “hey, lets do a bum beer challenge! I can do a couple and you can do a couple!” Now the good messican resisted at first, but I whinged enough to get him to relent.

    I decided to open with a classic – Olde English 800. It got me to thinking…you know what else Olde and English we had at least 800 of around? Yeah….the common law. Not everything we brought over from England was worth casting aside, like tea over coffee or boiled beef. The common law was a keeper. In fact, when various States set up their Constitutions, they would often explicitly keep such. Virginia for example;

      “That the common law of England, and all statutes, or acts of parliament made in aid of the common law, prior to the fourth year, of James the first, which are of a general nature not local to that kingdom, together with the several acts of the colony then in force, so far as the same may consist with the several ordinances, declarations, and resolutions of the general convention, shall be considered as in full force, until the same shall be altered by the legislative power of the commonwealth.”

    So, was Olde English 800 one of these Colonial legacies? Hardly. It is a product of the Miller Brewing Company and joined us in 1964. It has been a staple of bums, highschoolers and college kids looking for a cheap drunk ever since. It has a bit of an evil reputation – receiving less than flattering reviews from those that care to do such.

    Up first…

     

    A sniff was a bit alarming. It reminded me of the stale beer you would smell in leftover plastic cups from a college kegger…the next morning when you were trying to remember if you had 13 or 14 beers, and really didn’t want to smell the leftover Natty Light in cups strewn about the living room and front porch.

    Taste – like corn syrup and despair, mixed and chilled. Then came the slightly to moderately unpleasant aftertaste. Some subsequent slugs of it didn’t help. I decided to pour the rest of the bottle out, in memory of departed comrades (but not the really cool ones, just the meh ones). RATING: 1 out of 5 dumpsters.

    Next up, I had planned to do King Cobra Malt Liquor – Anheuser-Busch’s answer to Olde English 800. I am disappointed that I was unable to find it around anywhere. Oh, not because I expected it to be any less vile than OE 800….but I had teed up some funny:

    Sorry, Commander. Maybe next time.

    and some interesting:

    Queen’s Cobras Regiment, Royal Thai Army

    But the story of the Queen’s Cobras, serving in Vietnam, will have to wait for another time.

    Instead, I drew forth the local Wal-Mart’s latest bum beer – Rockdale Light. Fortunately, it came in bum cans (24 oz) too (I suspected one can would be enough for this lifetime). Unlike OE, the Rockdale seems to have a bit more of a moderate set of opinions.

    Yes, Rockdale LIGHT…I am watching my Glibfit calories.

    Slipping the tallboy into its paper sack, I cracker ‘er open. Could it be that the craft beer revolution had come to bum beers? I tried a sniff and got…nothing. Huh. I mean, zero. Odd that…. OK, on to taste. Hmmmm. Similar. It was the Oakland of beers – No there, there. A little bit of an aftertaste of something resembling beer. 24 oz of 4ish % ABV….nothing. Not high enough alcohol content for a true bum beer, but by God, I can see cases of this being drained by thirsty undergrads, furtive highschoolers and others on a budget/not desiring taste, merely effect. I mean, $1.29 for a 24 oz can isn’t bank breaking. Dump a couple in a cheap plastic pitcher and here you go! Gets the job done, maybe a bit slower and you may end up a bit bloated by the sheer volume you would have to consume…but a success for the category. RATING: 3 out of 5 dumpsters.

    Later today, in Part 2, mexican sharpshooter suffers because of my enthusiasm.

  • Something for Everyone

    I like to think there is a little something for everyone here.  It isn’t necessarily out of spite that I do this, but I’ve drawn inspiration from the comments before.  Why stop now?


    This is my review of Perrier Peach.  Hat Tip:  mikey.


    What, this isn’t beer?  You don’t say?

    I actually drink a lot of these during the day a a substitute for something else I used to drink a lot of:  energy drinks.  About a year ago I stopped when it occurred to me that I was drinking three to four of them a day.  It all started during the fall 2007 when I was assigned to the airfield lighting crew.  It was a nice gig at the time because all airfields are a high voltage series circuit.  Each light is connected to a device called an isolation transformer, which is connected in series with each other like Christmas lights, so it is easy to troubleshoot.

    It also meant we had to complete the check prior to the start of the ops day, which meant I reported in at 0430.  I compensated for this when I discovered something called Boo Koo Energy Drink.  This eventually led to me switching to sugar-free energy drinks due to a concern for the amount of sugar I was drinking. 

    So why stop?  It had absolutely nothing to do with concern for aspartame which is a bit of a myth.  It turns out there is no causal effect between aspartame and cancer.  This, according to the American Cancer Society.

    It really didn’t have anything to do with concerns over aspartame and nerulogical disorders either.  Apparently, this is the claim floating around the ether:

    75% of the adverse reactions to food additives reported to the FDA each year including seizures, migraines, dizzinesss, nausea, muscle spasms, weight gain, depression, fatigue, irritability, heart palpitations, breathing difficulties, anxiety, tinnitus, schizophrenia and death.

    None of these are linked to aspartame.  In anything, these symptoms have more to do with other compounds like food dyes, used in products along with aspartame.  It’s only been used in food products since the 80s, if it caused seizures wouldn’t this kind of information show up beyond WordPress sites and Facebook memes?

    Finally, I didn’t stop drinking them because energy drinks are all that dangerous.  In fact, there are no fewer than 2097 studies on the subject, as determined in a literature review published in 2014.  They concluded,

    Energy drink consumption is a health issue primarily of the adolescent and young adult male population. It is linked to increased substance abuse and risk-taking behaviors.

    In other words, people that engage in risky activities, like to drink Red Bull.  Funny, given Red Bull markets itself with people that engage in high risk activities.

    Red Bull is not responsible for injury, accidents, or death resulting from extreme sports

    So why did I stop drinking energy drinks?  I never let my kids drink soda, and it seemed hypocritical that I drink so much of it in front of them. So I quit.  The caffeine withdrawal subsided after a couple months but I still choke down a cup of coffee or two.  The mineral water is…nice.  Its water, but with little bubbles.  The lime flavored one is much better; the peach is weird.  Perrier Peach:  0/5.

  • Spontaneous Cooking: Homemade Salad Dressing

    Summer Time is Salad Time

    The weather is finally getting warmer. That means it’s time to eat more salad. I thought I’d talk about homemade dressings. I have a special place in my heart for homemade dressing because that is what inspired me to really learn to cook.

    I was visiting a friend over July 4th for a big party when her mother opened a three ring binder full of recipes. Some of them were handwritten, others clipped from newspapers and magazines. She pointed to one and said, “You’re making that.” It was a green salad with dressing.

    Growing up, there were always three bottles of Wishbone dressing in the fridge: Ranch, French, and diet Italian. Salad was iceberg lettuce with tomatoes, or if Mom was feeling fancy sliced radishes or shredded carrots. The salad I made and its dressing were a revelation. I never knew salad could taste so good, the dressing was tart and fresh and garlicly. I’ve made my own dressing ever since.

    I save small jars, like caper jars or glass spice jars. They’re the right size for making small amounts of dressing and they are easy to clean in the dishwasher. They are also small enough to put in my salad container and take to work.

    I think they are far superior to this plastic crap. I used these once and was never able to satisfactorily clean them. The only reason they are still in my house is that my mother gave them to me and she might visit.

    Basic Vinaigrette

    Let’s start with a basic vinaigrette. A vinaigrette is three parts oil to one part acid. If you want to make a low fat version (unlikely on this web site), use two parts oil to one part acid. I say acid instead of vinegar because you can use a dry wine or citrus juice instead of vinegar.

    Start by choosing a vinegar and oil. I have red wine, balsamic, white wine, apple cider, rice and white vinegar on hand.

    I also have a variety of oil on hand. Olive, canola, peanut. Using a neutral oil like canola or peanut makes the vinegar the predominant flavor, using something like olive oil, changes the taste. While I don’t have any on hand right now, you could also use walnut or macadamia nut oil. Sesame oil is used as a flavor, I really don’t recommend using it for the dressing. It is overwhelming.

    I just do the three to one ratio by eye. Using a small, narrow jar makes that easy. Pour some vinegar into the jar and add salt and pepper.

    If this is the first time you’ve made your own dressing, you might want to stop there and add the oil – three times as much as the vinegar. Then shake well and taste. This lets you see how the vinegar and oil tastes. Experiment to find what you like. Remember you could also use citrus. I suggest adding a pinch of sugar or a little honey to balance the sour when using citrus juice. I accidentally added too much mustard, so I added more vinegar and oil and saved the extra for another day. It will separate, so take it out early and let it reach room temperature and shake it again.

    Always add the seasonings to the vinegar, then add the oil. This lets the salt dissolve and flavors of herbs infuse into the vinegar. Although most dressing recipes say to add the oil in a thin stream while whisking continuously, you really can just add it, cap and shake. It will separate more quickly than if you whisk, but you’re only making enough for one or two servings and you are going to serve it shortly, so it doesn’t really matter. If you make enough to keep it for a few days, you might want to do the thin stream while whisking.

    Once you know what kind of vinegar and oil you like, you can start adding other flavors. For example, add chopped garlic, or shallots or onions. You can also add fresh or dry herbs. Many classic dressing recipes call for mustard. I prefer dijon. Mustard is an emulsifier. If you use it, it helps the dressing to stay blended, and makes it creamier. For quick dressings for side salads, I often just use salt, pepper, mustard and a few pinches of either Italian or Provence blend dry herbs.

    I have used tahini instead of mustard to give the dressing a Mediterranean flair. If you want to take the dressing in an Asian direction, use rice wine vinegar and add ginger in place of, or in addition to the garlic. I have also dropped the garlic and mustard and used serrano peppers to make a spicy version. This kind of vinaigrette is a low stakes opportunity for experimentation. Just try whatever you like. You’re only making a small amount, so if you don’t like the result, just start over. I hope, by writing these posts, that I encourage people to just try new flavor combinations and gain confidence in the kitchen.

    Warm Vinaigrette

    A fun variation on the basic vinaigrette, and my current obsession, is warm vinaigrette. Spinach salad with warm bacon vinaigrette, is probably the most familiar of the warm vinaigrettes. A spinach salad is spinach, red onion, sliced mushrooms, hard boiled eggs and bacon. Make some bacon, and when done, let it drain on some paper towels. Toss spinach with the red onion and mushrooms, then crumble bacon over it. Add a sliced hard boiled egg. Spoon out a little of the bacon fat and add it to some red wine vinegar seasoned with salt, pepper and dijon mustard. Whisk and pour over the salad; toss and enjoy.

    Pan sauces are also close to warm vinaigrettes. The biggest difference is that you don’t reduce the sauce. Sometimes, instead of deglazing with wine, I use a vinegar to deglaze and serve it over a salad. This sort of dressing is great over grilled romaine or radicchio.

    Creamy Dressings

    If you like a creamy dressing, they are also easy to make. Creamy dressings usually use buttermilk, cream, mayonnaise, yogurt, sour cream or even cream. Sometimes, they use more than one. Blue cheese dressing over a wedge of iceberg lettuce is a classic. An easy blue cheese dressing combines blue cheese, mayonnaise, buttermilk, apple cider vinegar, salt, and lots of fresh ground black pepper. I start by putting some blue cheese in a bowl and mashing it with a fork.

    Then I add mayonnaise and buttermilk. I add salt and pepper, then thin it a bit with a little (like, ½ to 1 tsp) apple cider vinegar.

    Then I serve it over an iceberg lettuce wedge with a pan fried pork chop. If I had bacon, I would crumble a little over it.

    You could alter that basic recipe by using lemon juice instead of apple cider vinegar. Use sour cream or yogurt instead of (or in addition to) mayonnaise. Again, this is a canvas for experimentation. Make a creamy dressing thicker by adding more mayonnaise or sour cream, and you have a dip.

    So, here is that salad I made for fourth of July years ago. I lost the actual recipe years ago and I never measure when making it so all the quantities are estimates. Years later, this is still my go to dish for taking to potlucks.

    Dressing:
    2 -3 cloves of garlic chopped
    ½ tsp of salt
    ¼ tsp of freshly ground black pepper
    about ½ tsp of honey (I think the original used 1 tsp of white sugar).
    juice of one lemon
    ¼ cup neutral oil

    Combine first five ingredients, then pour in the oil in a thin stream while whisking. Then make the salad.

    9 cups of mixed salad greens – use both red and green lettuce – torn into bite sized pieces.
    3 cups of fresh basil leaves – torn into bite size pieces.
    ½ pint of cherry or grape tomatoes sliced in half.
    ¼ c shredded parmesan.
    1-2 T toasted pine nuts.

    Toss all with the dressing and serve.

  • Rye ask why?

    Heretay akingmay, rogfays aygay! -Plinus 55AD

    It was Gaius Plinus Secundus, who was of the opinion the only people that would ever eat rye, were people that were starving. Gaius was an authority during the medieval period due to his extensive writings on his observations of the natural world.  He is credited with over seven books during the first century AD (or CE if you are so inclined) on things such as grammar, Roman history, throwing the lance, and a biography of Pomponius Secundus.  He is best known for Natural History from where the above opinion is written.  He is known for his ability to string together previously unrelated concepts in a vernacular style easily interpreted by the masses, easily transcribed by medieval monasteries, and indeed can be considered one of the first to pen an encyclopedia.

    Unfortunately many of those concepts had more to do with what we now call mysticism, and most of his assertions are to put it bluntly—wrong.  Quite frankly Gaius may not have been as bright as he thought he was, given that he died while investigating the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius.  Though in fairness, the Romans were probably unfamiliar with the dangers of erupting volcanoes.  In all, he is probably better known by his anglicized name.

    This is not my review of Russian River’s Pliny the Elder.

    Why not?  I can’t find it, and quite frankly I need a way better excuse to go to California—and possibly find it.  Pliny probably did hate rye, so I will honor his memory by reviewing a rye pale ale.

    Rye is a species of grass similar to wheat and barley except that it grows in colder climates.  People first began eating rye bread around the Black and Caspian Seas, which is why it’s sometimes affiliated with Russian oligarchs.  Interestingly enough, it is planted in the fall, where it survives through the winter and harvested in June.  Rye is chewier, and has a more robust flavor than wheat or barley, and beverages made with it share this quality.

    I don’t know about anyone else here, but I for one happen to like rye whiskey and rye bread; naturally I liked this as well. Others might just be happy this is not an IPA.   Abita Bourbon Street Rye Pale Ale 4.1/5.