Category: Daily Links

Another lovely weekend. And if Sherlock Holmes were here, he’d look at me and say, “I perceive that you have been binge watching The Avengers with your wife. And that you sit on the right side of the couch.”

“That’s astonishing, Holmes, how do you come to that conclusion?”

“I noted that your left upper arm is covered in bruises. Each bruise is about the size of your wife’s right fist. So clearly she has been striking you repeatedly. What could cause this, especially from a woman not prone to violence? You are someone of the correct age to have been a young teenager in 1966-1968, your are relentlessly heterosexual, so you clearly would have had a masturbatory fixation on Emma Peel. I see an Amazon Fire attached to your television. The rest is straightforward deduction.”

Enough reminiscing, we need links. First the filler crap: today’s the anniversary of Calvin Coolidge (our greatest president) granting full and unconditional citizenship to all Indians (casino, not call center). And the marriage of Grover Cleveland (our second greatest president) in the White House. It’s also the birthday of Jerry Mathers, whose death in Vietnam caused dad to clobber him or something.

On again, off again, on again, off again. Anyone who has ever spent time in the Middle East recognizes this dance- you perform it any time you buy something at a shop. If you don’t walk out at least twice and let the shop owner chase after you and wheedle you back, you’re not doing your job. The delightful part for me is watching the whiplash as Progressives go nuts at each step of the dance. Perhaps they prefer bombing to dancing? The track record of their heroes certainly suggests that…

 

Job growth, record low unemployment. Sort of what was predicted after the tax rate cuts last year. But it’s bad news. Really bad news. It may not be obvious to you, but that’s because you’re not the deep and nuanced thinker that Nancy “Hold my head up to your ear and you can hear the arteries cracking” Pelosi is.

 

Today is International Sex Workers Day. Shit, I could end this right here and let you pervs do the rest. On a related theme, here’s a guy who is great at getting news outlets to promote his business, which promises to rid you of your addiction to alcohol, drugs, and porn. In other words, to remove all the joy from your life.

In the clinic today I meet James, a 32-year-old former office worker who has been coming here since December when his wife found his porn use on his laptop. “I was nipping to the toilets at work and masturbating,” he explains…

“When people use pornography over an extended period of time unchecked for six or seven hours a day, maybe with cocaine and alcohol as well, then the lines get blurred and the tolerance level develops.”

Wankers In the Mist.

 

Chicago machine politicians gotta do what they gotta do, and Team Blue is of course the party of the little guy, the workers, the downtrodden. Here’s the passage in the story that got me laughing hysterically:

Obama has kept a relative low profile since leaving the White House in January 2017

As the Cos would say in happier times, “Riiiiiiight.”

 

Every once in a while, The Onion is still funny.

 

This one is a stunner. I hope you’re sitting down because the shock of this will make you keel over. Ready? OK. Even in Progressive utopias, rich people and poor people live in different parts of town! Whew, I’m glad I warned you ahead of time, otherwise you might have hit your head when you fainted.

 

Speaking of Austin, my Old Guy Music this week is some folks I would see there regularly. I made the mistake of going out partying with them after a show once, and found out that at my age, this wasn’t a great idea. Kelly is an amazing guitarist, and that fellow on bass has had a pretty interesting career himself.

 

 

SEA SMITH GET DISTRACTED WHEN SEE OLD PICTURE TUESDAY WELD, FORGET WHAT DAY IS. BUT HE OK NOW AND WILL PRACTICE JOKES ON GLIBS HOOMANS. SEA SMITH THINK HE ALMOST READY FOR OPEN MIC NITE AT LOCAL SUSHI BAR. THAT BAR WHERE FISH DRINK!  SEE, AM READY!

WHAT FISH MADE OF TWO SODIUM ATOM? …. 2 NA. IS JOKE FOR SCIENCE HOOMANS!

WHAT YOU CALL LAZY CRAYFISH? … SLOBSTER!

HOW OCTOPUS GO TO WAR?  … WELL ARMED!

 

OK, SEA SMITH STOP. HIM NOT WANT GLIBS TO HURT SELVES LAUGHING TOO MUCH. NOW GIVE YOU LINKS.

• SEA SMITH THINK HE REMEMBER TIME WHEN SPAIN HAD SHAKY GOVERNMENT? WHO WAS STOP THAT FOR WHILE?

  

• OH HOW SEA SMITH LAUGH. HE THINK THIS ONLY HAPPEN IN CANADA…BUT LOOK! HAHAHA!
• IF ONLY SEA SMITH HEAR THIS EARLIER! HE COULD PAY VISIT TO STRANDED SHIP CREW. BY PAY VISIT…

  

   

• WHY EVERYONE LOOK AT SEA SMITH? SOMETIME THINGS DO REALLY “FALL OFF A TRUCK SHIP“! “While the contents of the containers are unknown, we understood they do not contain dangerous goods,” Mr Mitchell said. SEE, NO WORRIES, M8! NOW, SEA SMITH RELOAD BAR AND HAVE NEW FURNITURE!

SEA SMITH HEAR YOU SUPPOSED TO GIVE MUSIC LINK. OK, HERE LINK.

Some of you might remember that line from when skit comedy was at least occasionally funny. As Sloopy mentioned, we will be doing a joint family vacation on the far-eastern side of the Redneck Riviera. Arranging marriages for the Glibertopian breeding project, drinking bootlegged beer from Texas, and generally exercising Florida Man style decision making. I don’t know about Sloopy and Banjos, but I explained to my wife about bail money and how to go about getting a bail bond.

Here we go. One of London’s too white cyclists takes reasonable exception to nearly being run down, goes Crocodile Dundee on the car driver.

Bees! OMG!

This is… I mean, aside from catching multiple felonies… pretty funny. Three people in MI showed up to 911 calls and impersonated cops.

This is strange reporting. An Uber driver, who may or may not have been on-duty, fatally shot a passenger in his car. The fact that he wasn’t arrested leads me to believe he had a good story about why shooting someone in his car while on the highway wasn’t a bad idea.

Jesus. This is just horrible. Probable serial killer and all-around terrible person caught in Springfield, Mass.

 

All right, I’m out of heeere.

You had your chance, Cleveland. And you blew it.  You completely shit the bed and now are destined to fail.  Also, the Cavaliers lost last night to Golden State in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.  Rafa Nadal is cruising in France like I said he would.  Serena dropped the first set but came back and won her match.  The Astros were happy to be back home.  Boston was not happy to be visiting.

But here’s the sports story of the day:  and it explains all-too-clearly why England is probably a lost cause.  Its so retarded that even Piers Morgan has chimed in.  Trigger warning: trigger.

Boy, today was a day for birthdays.  Mormon leader and founder of Salt Lake City, Brigham Young was born today.  As was South African political prisoner and later president actor Nelson Mandela Morgan Freeman, Kennedy spit-roastee Marilyn Monroe, under appreciated actor Brian Cox, also unappreciated actor Jonathan Pryce, Ohio State defensive coordinator and soon-to-be recipient of a hefty settlement from the University of Tennessee Greg Schiano, eye-candy Heidi Klum, Canadian person Alanis Morisette, and fat person Amy Schumer.

It was also on this date that Charlemagne opened the general synod in Frankfurt, Anne Boleyn was crowned Queen of England, Kentucky and Tennessee (in different years) were admitted into the Union, Ohio University was founded as the first land-grant university in the nation, Sojourner Truth began her career as an anti-slavery activist, Robert E Lee assumed command of the Army of Northern Virginia, Thomas Edison was granted his first patent. Lou Gehrig replaced Wally Pipp and played the first of 2130 consecutive games. Adolph Eichmann was executed in Israel for war crimes. Ed Sullivan’s last live TV show aired. And Wings released “Live And Let Die”.

That, my friends, is quite a bit to digest.  But I hoped you saved enough room to swallow…the links!

Remember in the olden days when a town would just gather together, march to a house and take a witch into custody?  Apparently, witch hunts cost a lot more in this day and age. I especially like the “rent” entry.  You know, because its not like our federal government doesn’t already own so much unoccupied space that it can’t accurately account for it all.

I like Wikipedia.  Hell, I have had some good laughs there, especially going back to the golden age when entries were hilariously inaccurate.  I’m thinking of the incident where Jim Rome lost his shit when someone edited Stan Van Gundy’s entry to say he was a stand-in for Ron Jeremy and had also been the first successful pubic-to-head hair transplant recipient.  But Wikipedia ceases to be funny when it tars everyone to the right of Hillary Clinton as a freaking Nazi. And Google is no more responsible when they allow a publicly-edited compendium to be used as fact on its search results.  Fortunately, their algorithm hasn’t allowed anything like comparing progressives to Mao, Pol Pot, Stalin, Castro or any of the other communist/socialist butchers. But I would imagine they’re monitoring the accuracy of those descriptions a lot more closely than they are about icky conservatives. Or even Republicans for that matter.

Kim Kardashian opens up about her meeting to discuss criminal justice reform and the hopeful release of Alice Johnson with Donald Trump. I hope CNN can keep from blowing a gasket what with the alleged celebrity worship that is happening for the first time ever in the White House just like it does with every President in living memory.

Blood on the streets of San Francisco! Has the cabbie not considered that she needed that cab more than he did? Did he even stop to think about her, or was the greedy 1%er just gonna let her die?Also, bang-up job there, SFPD. She only ran around in the little city for two hours and crashed herself before you guys located her.  Shit, she could have driven halfway to Oakland in that amount of time.  Off-rush hour, obviously.

Had it never occurred to any of these fucking clowns that the correct question to ask is: “why the fuck are you granting an exclusive license for a single company to operate a legal business in your city?” But that would allow for competition. Nope, these pricks can’t have that.  They gotta try and take someone else’s monopoly away.

I am trying not to laugh. I am trying not to laugh. I am trying not to laugh. Aw, fuck it. This one is funny.

Placed on desk duty after the shooting, Schuler, 49, continues to collect his $111,000-a-year salary while the city of Chicago’s Civilian Office of Police Accountability investigates him for failing to keep his weapon secured, among other things.

Shit. I stopped laughing.

What’s really sad for this guy is that he didn’t even have anything big enough for the SWAT team to confuse for a gun and shoot him. Also, why is he not in Florida where he belongs?

This is how I feel today.

And do you want to know why?  Because my son is graduating from high school tomorrow and the family are going to the beach with our friends Brett L and his awesome family for a week of relaxation.  I’m sure we’ll check in from time to time, but its gonna be time to tap the keg of St Arnold Lawnmower I’m bringing and fire up the grill while our kids all have a blast.  God bless you all and have a great week.

Snoop Dogg smashes Guinness World Record for Largest Gin and Juice in History

Snoop appeared at the BottleRock Napa Valley festival alongside rapper Warren G to attempt to make a paradise cocktail for the history books. The finished drink measured in at more than 132 gallons.

The giant gin and juice used 38 jugs of orange juice, 154 bottle of apricot brandy and a whopping 180 bottles of gin, according to Guinness. Snoop celebrated his record breaking drink on Instagram with a picture of himself holding the world record certificate.

No, I’m fine, OK? I just got something in my eyes. Stupid allergies.

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Trump Pardons Political Prisoner

Beyond President Trump’s prolific dishonesty and extensive use of social media, it’s difficult to forecast what his administration’s enduring legacies may be for the presidency. But it’s becoming ever more likely that his innovative use of the pardon power will be one.

On Thursday, President Trump announced (on Twitter, of course) that he will pardon Dinesh D’Souza, the conservative writer convicted in 2014 of campaign-finance fraud. D’Souza illegally pushed donations to a Senate candidate, asking friends to donate and then reimbursing them, contravening limits on giving.

It’s Trump’s fifth pardon of his short presidency, and the third to go to a conservative cause célèbre, after former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Dick Cheney aide Scooter Libby. Other presidents have used pardons to send political messages, as when Jimmy Carter pardoned Vietnam War draft dodgers or Andrew Johnson pardoned Confederates; or to help out cronies, as when Bill Clinton pardoned financier Marc Rich, a major donor who was on the run from prosecution. Other presidents have also tended to wait until the end of their terms to grant high-profile pardons.

I doubt I’m the first to think it up, but man wouldn’t it be funny if Trump pardoned Hillary? I mean, let’s face it, she’s never going to jail, no matter what she does. She could suck off an underage clone of herself on live TV while giving a screaming DACA teen a knitting needle abortion and Michelle Goldberg and The Atlantic would both have editorials up defending Herself in under an hour. So Trump should pardon her. Give a rambling speech about how her contribution to civic fabric country is too valuable to let her rot in prison. It might just kill the hideous witch on the spot.

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Why the Alt-Right Thinks Porn is a Jewish Conspiracy

A few months ago, a user on a bodybuilding supplement forum asked if it was weird that he had a childhood crush on Lola Bunny from Space Jam.

“It’s not weird,” someone assured him. In fact, this someone added, there’s “a conspiracy from sinister guys at the top” to pornify popular culture, in order to get young boys so addicted to pornographic images that they develop “bad social skills” and are too weak and distracted to resist the elites in power. “Looks like it worked,” agreed another user, who then pressed ENTER 144 times and posted a gif of a fly rubbing its front legs together, with a hook-nosed, yarmulked Jewish caricature photoshopped on its head.

How did this bodybuilding forum go from Lola Bunny screenshots to anti-Semitic memes in less than 24 hours? Well, it turns out that despite the stereotype that alt-righters spend hours in their parents’ basements watching tentacle hentai, many of them are theoretically anti-porn. More specifically, they believe porn is a Jewish conspiracy to weaken white men and, if all goes according to plan, destroy Western civilization. (Honestly, this isn’t that different from how a lot of mainstream commentators talk about porn — but more on that later.)

There is a heavy dose of Jack D. Ripper in this one, because, seriously, you really should deny them your essence.

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Instead of another link, and in honor of Mssr. Dogg’s achievement in the mixological arts, I’d like to share some of the worse mixed drinks I have ever created. There have been a lot of them. I push the boundaries. I take things, on occasion, way too far. I puke pretty easily. Some were due to my age, some were due to hubris.

Age 14

The “Martini”

It was almost New Year’s Eve and the only way I could get liquor was to steal it from my father. Since I didn’t sleep much back then either, I got out of bed when I was staying at his place, fished a few glass screw-top Pepsi bottles out of the kitchen trash, rinsed them and went shopping. The first 16oz bottle was your classic “suicide style” nick, a little from every bottle: scotch, bourbon, vodka, gin, tequila, Benedictine, vermouth (sweet and dry), Frangelico, Gallico, triple sec and whatever else was there. This was gross, but my friends and I were going to mix it with Sprite or something anyway, right?

The next bottle was the real mistake. I had been reading the James Bond books for the first time and I decided to make a batch of martinis for myself. Some old recipe I had found at the public library counseled 1:2 dry vermouth to gin. I got the dusty vermouth bottle out and eyeballed out around 5oz into my other Pepsi bottle. I topped it off the gin bottle in the back–probably Seagram’s–put the cap on and gave it a hearty shake. I stashed both bottles in my dirty tube socks and smuggled them home.

Mike’s parents were out of town for the holiday, and as Tommy and I walked to his house (we all lived on the same street) it had begun to snow. Tommy had a few beers and Mike had a flask of something oily and dark that smelled like kerosene. When I passed my bottles around, Mike and Tommy both gagged at my “martini” so I was left to drink it all by myself, disgusting sip by sip. And it was really bad. I just thought martinis tasted like that and couldn’t understand why anyone would drink one out of anything but the rankest desperation. I didn’t know then, of course, that vermouth should be kept in the fridge after it is opened. I was drinking room temperature cheap gin and rancid vermouth. A pint of it.

Around 4am, Mike and Tommy were passed out and I was feeling so bad. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to sleep in my own damn bed. My house was only two doors away from Mike’s, I just put on my coat and left, still pretty drunk. I passed out in my own front yard, in the snow. I woke up when the sun hit me and I got inside before my mother busted me. I tasted Pine Sol for nearly a week.

 

Age 17

The Tea

2/3 of a pitcher of iced tea

1/3 of a pitcher of vodka

20 No-Doze tablet (the real ephedra kind), crushed

2 5mg valium, crushed

I’m going to blame Derek for this one. Oh, holy shitballs did it taste funky. We ended up shivering on his back porch, chain-smoking and marveling over our exploding hearts.

 

Age 20

The Kandarian Demon

My friend Paul was working as a bartender at a place a little way out of town and there was this huge bunch of guys in there that just kept order Mai Tais. Paul said he must have made over forty Mai Tais that night. He told us his shaker held about two-and-a-half Mai Tais, but he filled it every time and drained off the excess into this plastic bucket under the bar. So Paul came home one night with a literal bucket of Mai Tais. Now, they were pretty weak, so I had the bright idea to add a 1/5 of the only alcoholic substance in the house: cinnamon schnapps.

In some sort of weird alchemical reaction, the schnapps turned the reddish and clear Mai Tais into an opaque liquid that was a bilious pink. It tasted awful. I mean, just amazingly awful. Hard to describe the taste, but the Mai Tai and the schnapps brought you the worse in one another to create a foul flavor that had never existed before and hopefully will never exist again.

Artie, dear sweet Artie, Paul’s brother, took a long drink and croaked “It tastes like death.” We had been watching Evil Dead movies all night, so the garbage juice I had made was dubbed “The Kandarian Demon.”

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Just a few more days till vacation…that’s what I’m thinking this morning as I type this.  Of course, I have four auctions in various stages going on right now.  Shit, make that five.  Now if I can just get the two I recently finished all shipped in the next two days I can relax for my son’s high school graduation, which is oddly enough being held 30 miles away at an NFL stadium rather than the football stadium on campus.  But whatever. (Speaking of the NFL, I can think of at least one player that needs to take a math class.) And then we can head to the beach with Brett L and clan for a week of fun.

Oh, and speaking of sports in general, Stosur, Mugaruza, Rybarikova, Pera and Mertens have moved on today in the Women’s side of the French.Halep and Serena play later in the day.  On the Men’s side, Marin Cilic is up 2 sets in his match and no others are completed. But Sam Querry was bounced yesterday, in case anybody wondered.  Not that it matters much on the Men’s side. If Rafael Nadal doesn’t just steamroll the entire field, I’ll be absolutely shocked.

On the ice, Holtby stood on his head as the Caps held on to even the series with Vegas at 1-1.  I still think Vegas will win in 6. The NBA Finals kick off tonight. And I think the GSW will also win in 6.  And that’s all for sports.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! Zinedane Zidane has resigned at Real Madrid as of right now.

If you were born on May 31, you share your birthday with Walt Whitman, Pope Pius XI, actor/director Clint Eastwood, (dead) rocker John Bonham, miracle-on-ice goalie Jim Craig, super-hot 80s actress Lea Thompson, nude (child) model and “actress” Brooke Shields, In Bruges (and see it if you haven’t) actor Colin Farrell, and RUN-DMC’s Darryl Matthews. Its also the day Sir Francis Bacon spent a night in the Tower Of London against his will, Madison Square Garden, named after James Madison, opened in New York City. (Uh, how come the retards haven’t demanded the name be changed from that of a slaveholder?  My guess is that they haven’t found out it was named after him.), Montgomery evacuated from Dunkirk, James Stewart retires from the USAF after 27 years of service, and Seinfeld debuted on NBC.

That’s a lot going on.  But that’s all in the past. This is the present. So let’s talk about what just happened, which I guess is also technically the past. But its much more recent, so its different, right?  Well whatever. Here are…the links!

You want to know what narcissism is?  THIS is what narcissism is. I mean…Christ, what an asshole.

Trump met a celebrity in the Oval Office to discuss criminal justice reform.  And the leftists went apeshit. Especially Jim Acosta over at CNN.  Strangely enough, his on-air outburst on the matter doesn’t square too well with his reaction to Obama meeting with celebrity John Legend doing the exact same thing for the exact same reason.  But Jim gonna Jim.

California legislators figure out another way to get peoples money. And what smarter place to put the money of a quasi-legal endeavour (that spelling is for our Canadian brethren) than in the bank run by the state?  LOL, anybody dumb enough to participate in that circle-jerk deserves whatever they get.

I’m just going to repeat the lede of this link word for word, since I doubt I can capture the essence any better on my own:  STX Beats Lawsuit Over ‘Happytime Murders’ Trailer With ‘Ejaculating Puppets’. That is all.

Joy Reid is back in the news. Since homophobic comments didn’t sink her, let’s see if the 9/11 truther insanity does.  Seriously, she was on a panel yesterday on MSNBC for “everyday racism” with noted anti-Semite Al Sharpton. That’s quite the pair to be hectoring us on how we view other people.

He wasn’t drunk. He’s obviously not an Asian woman. So this is the most reasonable explanation. But still, I think the Red Cross should take some money away from all those people they help with the money they get the fat-ass salaries they pay their executives or their massive marketing budget and at least replace the dude’s porch.

And in local news, Houston philanthropist and all-around great guy given honorary doctorate from Baylor.  I can’t think of a nicer guy to give the honor to.  Well done, JJ.

Happy Birthday, guy.

Have a great Thursday, friends.

I am living the definition of technical consultant – I learned yesterday what I need to implement for my client today. Next step is to take the certification practice tests until I can hit 7/10 reliably and go get a certification so I can bolster my resume and keep living a nice life by knowing how the Googles and Stack Overflow works. Search Engine Optimization as Programmer Exo-Brain, if I were writing an article on it. It beats being an actual subject matter expert.

It seems like once a day, I agree with DJT. h/t SugarFree

Well, its twice today. SLD, I’d prefer a more comprehensive and permanent solution to the problem of FDA processes, but its something

Business Insider thinks there are no winners in the Trump economy. Oookay. I have my own quibbles with the economic policies of this administration, but there is more winning going on than a Charlie Sheen cocaine orgy right now on that front. All the same bullshit “student loan debt, collapsing infrastructure, rising interest rates”. You know, things the government would do best to touch least.

Bare-knuckle boxing (state-sanctioned) making a comeback? Now what can I can do to get people to my orphan fights?

Stay classy, Florida Woman. (This is why I have my own damn pool)

 

Sometimes you just want to crank it up and rip the… touchscreen off? My kids also have no idea what I mean when I shout “THE VOLUME KNOB AIN’T A RATCHET, IT TURNS TO THE LEFT TOO!!” I guess I’ll have to translate that from my dad’s language to my kids’.

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Last evening, I was in the market for a smartphone, but a Tracfone. You know the deal, no contract, add minutes on the fly etc. I told OMWC I’d be right back for dinner, I just had to do a quick errand. I drove the two miles to the local Big Box store.

I ventured to the back of the store to the electronics department, where I saw no phones. A young woman asked if she could help me, and I told her what I needed. She helpfully summoned an elderly gentleman working on the photo processor innards. I’ll call him “Mike”…mostly because that was his name.

MIKE: Well, they moved all the phones to the front of the store, you know where the bank and eye place are. In the Wireless Center. We are a Full Service Wireless Center.

SP: Oh, thanks, I can find it.

MIKE: No, I’ll walk up with you and make sure you find it. I’m really supposed to be working there anyway.

SP: Thank you, that’s very helpful.

MIKE: I’m happy to help! It’s my job.

SP: Well, thank you. So let me tell you what I need. A smartphone, but it needs to be a Tracfone, because I don’t want a monthly contract.

MIKE: Well, they aren’t the best phones or service. Here, let me show you these other ones over here. They’re better. Of course, they have a $35 a month charge.

SP: No, thanks, really, I just need a Tracfone with no contract. I don’t even really care what kind of smartphone it is.

MIKE: Well, let me show you all the Tracfones we have in stock. How much do you want to spend? And you know you need a card with minutes for these, right?

SP: Yes, but, really any of those will do. Let’s go with this cheapish LG model. *surreptitiously checks time*

MIKE: You know that’s not an iPhone, right? Now how much minutes do you want?

SP: How MANY minutes do I want? Let’s start with this one. *grabs 120 minute card from rack*

MIKE: Well, now, Miss, that’s not the card that belongs there. That’s supposed to be the 200 minute rack. So, do you want the 120 minutes or the 200 minutes?

SP: Whichever is cheaper. I can add more later on.

MIKE: Well, you can, but you’d hate to be stranded someplace with no service. If you can afford it, I really say, go with the 200.

SP: OK! That’s great. Thanks! That’s very helpful.

MIKE: I’m happy to help! It’s my job! Let’s go over and get this checked out for you…. well, shoot, these keys don’t open this register.

SP: *looks around, sees only one register*

MIKE: Well, shoot, yes, it does I had it in upside down. Now here you go…Oh, wait, you want to pay with cash? Hmm. Let me see where to enter that. Here we go. So, let’s see…your change is…wait, do you want the 2 year warranty?

SP: No, thanks, really, I don’t need a warranty, the phone is only $30.

MIKE: Well, the warranty covers pretty much everything that could go wrong, except maybe dropping it in the…well, you know. And it’s only $9!

SP: No. Thanks. Really. I don’t need a warranty. *checks watch a little more obviously*

MIKE: OK, now here’s your change…I’m going to give you $12…and a bunch of coins. Maybe a few dimes. Do you mind dimes? I hate to give you a handful of coins like that. Well, here you go. Now wait, I need to activate that for you and put all this stuff in.

SP: I can activate it online, no problem. I’m a computer geek. It’s no trouble at all.

MIKE: No, no, I am supposed to help do it. We are a Full Service Wireless Center. I’m happy to help! Here, now come over here and sit down.

SP: *glances at watch wistfully and thinks about food*

MIKE: Oh, darnit, I don’t know where Andy put the Laminated Card with the instructions. *rummages in drawer* Nope, not that one. Now I wonder where it could have got to… maybe over in that desk. No, you sit still, I’ll be right back to help you.

*Two Young Guys walk in*

MIKE: Now, are you guys in a big hurry? I need to help this young lady first, then I can help you.

TYG: Uh, how long do you think it will be?

SP: Oh, go ahead and help them. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. *resigned sigh*

TYG: We need to pay our Straight Talk bill.

MIKE: Oh, I don’t think I can do that here. I’d sure like to help, but no, I know I can’t do that.

TYG: We always pay it here.

MIKE: Oh. Well…is it due today or can you come back tomorrow when the other guy is here to help you?

TYG: Yeah, thanks, that’s probably a better idea. *pitying look thrown at SP and sound of running feet as they haul ass out of the Full Service Wireless Center*

MIKE: Now, where were we?

SP: Looking for the Laminated Card with the activation instructions.

MIKE: Oh! It was right here in this drawer marked Instructions all the time. Now let’s sit down and take a look. *sits down, opens package, inserts battery and powers it up* I hope it turns on, they don’t charge these things, you know.

*goes through the entire activation process in only about 20 minutes*

MIKE: There! It’s all set! Let’s test it! *Speaks into phone* Google! What’s the weather at my location?

GOOGLE: Something went wrong. Please try again.

MIKE: *Shouts into phone* GOOOOOOGLE! W H A T ‘S T H E W E A TH ER at my L O C A T I O N??!!!

GOOGLE: Something went wrong. Please try again.

SP: Really, I’m great at this stuff, maybe I should take a look at the settings.

MIKE: Well, it’s my job to help you. I know, I’ll read the characters from the Laminated Card and you can check what I put in. Active network is http://

SP: Oh! I see the trouble. You left out the colon.

MIKE: I didn’t see a colon on the keyboard, so I skipped it.

SP: Well, look! It’s working great now. I gotta run. Thanks so much for all your help!

MIKE: Oh, let me repackage that for you and put it in a bag. No, no, it’s my job and it’s Store Policy, too.

SP: Well, thanks again! I need to go find the a/c filters and get home for dinner. Really, thanks for all your help!

MIKE: Oh, here, I’ll walk you back to hardware and help you find them….

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Happy hangover Tuesday. I hope everyone has been successfully pretending to work today. I bring you links.

I’m shocked… shocked! To find out that there was sexual exploitation going on by essentially all of the NGOs in West African refugee camps.  Wait, no. No I’m not.

Billionaire George Soros outlines plan to save Europe. I assume this is a linked monologue from the British spy service, recorded as one of their top agents was surviving a blown-cover during a deep cover operation.

Oh look instead of $300/bbl oil, Russia and Saudi Arabia got to almost $80 and then decided to pump more.

I… What sort of moron do you have to be to start a wildfire? Oh one who burns an American flag blanket to protest Memorial Day.

Finally, the Little Rover That Could has learned a new way to drill holes on Mars. I’m just endlessly fascinated by the fact that the little fucker keeps working year after year.

 

For the Wile E. Coyotes of every era, here’s a little afternoon chill guitar.

Hope everyone had a nice long weekend. Or regular weekend for that matter.  And I hope you remembered those who gave their lives to make sure you were able to enjoy it.  And no, I don’t mean the fucking labor unions.

Patrick Henry, who uttered the famous phrase “give me liberty or give me death” was born on this date.  So was funny man Bob Hope, climber Tenzing Norgay, president John F Kennedy, composer Danny Elfman, “celebrity” LaToya Jackson, musician and buffoon Noel Gallagher, and Spice Girl Mel B.  Also on this date, Charles II returned from exile, the aforementioned Patrick Henry made his historic speech against the Stamp Act, the last of the 13 colonies (Rhode Island) ratified the Constitution, Coca-Cola began advertisements, Larry Bird beat out Magic Johnson for Rookie Of The Year, and the Boston Red Sox retired Ted Williams’s iconic #9 and Joe Cronin’s #4. And the “Gilbert” of Gilbert & Sullivan passed away, as did CIA drug runner Manuel Noriega.

Well the Warriors did what I knew they’d do.  Hell, you could have turned it off with about 3 minutes left in the third after Curry hit three 3-pointers in a row to take the lead to 6.  That game was done.  Now they get to play LeBron James for the thirty-sixth NBA Finals in a row it feels like.  Also, the Yankees fans were none to keen on Justin Verlander shutting their bats down. And out in the desert, Las Vegas got the Stanley Cup Finals started with a 6-4 win over the Washington Capitals.

OK, now that we’ve gotten that cleared up, and I managed to give a double-shoutout to Patrick Henry as he deserves, let’s get into…the links!

I can’t possibly see how this could be twisted to make libertarianism look bad. I personally approve, but prepare yourself for the onslaught of retarded big-government progressives saying we would pay tolls for every foot of road we drove on if we had our way (forgetting that we pay a shitload of money in fuel taxes, municipal taxes and every other way the government twists our arm into paying for “free” public roads.

Hey reporters, take note: its better to report on the story rather than become the story. Condolences, but this was bound to happen sooner or later as reporters consistently try to place themselves closer and closer to danger in their idiotic game of one-one-upsmanship.

Since they’ve managed to tackle every serious problem on the continent, like rising crime rates, an immigration crisis, economies spiraling the drain and persistent terrorism, the European Union has decided it has the free time for stupid shit.

What a crazy bastard. Manning is currently running for the Senate as a Democrat.  I’m sure this will garner the candidate some sympathy votes from some quarters but turn off people in others, namely those with an ounce of brains.

North Korean official en route to New York City for talks on the upcoming summit. (cue Dem talking point that Trump will put him up in his hotel in violation of the Emoluments Clause and say this is grounds for impeachment) Let’s hope Dennis Rodman is available if needed.

Corruption, thy name is the Chicago Public Schools system.  Seriously, why is this level of corruption not national headlines every sin…oh, never mind. It has nothing to do with Trump and is a city completely controlled by the Democrat Party.  Therefore it doesn’t merit national attention.

Wait, were they seriously considering charging a man who does society a favor? Also, it could have been done more humanely if gun-free zones at schools weren’t a thing.  So don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

Also, Nelson Mandela Morgan Freeman fights back against assault allegations. I’m with him.  Words aren’t assault, snowflakes.  You don’t like what someone says, tell them to go fuck themselves. Don’t wait 25 years and then squeal like a pig to the media when piling on is all the rage.

And that concludes the links.

Well, except for this ditty. Happy birthday!

Have a great day and a great start to the short week.