SEA SMITH GOT CURIOUS AND SIGNED UP FOR ANCESTRY.COM. HE MAKE STARTLING DISCOVERY: FAMILY NAME WAS ACTUALLY LEVY, AND THAT CHANGED FROM LEVIATHAN.
SO MYSTERY SOLVED. SEA SMITH’S TALENT FOR COMEDY IS GENETIC, HE JEWISH COMIC! HE NOW INVESTIGATES GETTING A BRIS AND BAR MITZVAH, TO MAKE CLEANER SEA-RAPE.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE JEWISH SAILOR? HE SHIPWRECKED. WHEN THEY RESCUE HE, THERE TWO SYNAGOGUES HE BUILD. THEY ASK HE WHY TWO. “THIS ONE I GO TO, THE OTHER ONE, I WOULDN’T SET FOOT IN!” SO SEA SMITH RAPE HE.
HAHAHAHAH, SEA SMITH IS FUNNY JEWISH COMIC! NOW NEWS:
True story from yesterday: I went to a grocery store near my office to pick up some Beyond Burgers (make fun all you want, they’re delicious, at least when you can find them) that have a marketing gimmick of being placed in the meat section of the store, rather than with the other veggie burgers. As usual, I couldn’t find them, but I spotted a store employee unloading some meat into the case and asked him if he knew where they were placed. “I never heard of it.What are they?” I explained that they were some of the latest generation of fake meat. “Oh, we keep all that shit over in the frozen foods section.” I told him that I had checked there, no they weren’t there, and that I usually found them right about where he was standing. He said, “Huh. lemme check with someone who might know.”
He walked around the corner and spotted a rather tall, thin woman also unloading meat into a refrigerator case. “Hey, Natasha, this guy is lookin’ for something called a ‘Beyond Burger.’ Ever heard of that?” She replied in a thick Russian accent, “I go in back and see if it is in cold room and bring back.” She disappeared into the back of the store, and I casually said, “So she’s gonna bring back Moose and Squirrel?”
Totally blank look.
He did have his revenge, though. Natasha brought them out, he looked at them and read through the ingredients, shook his head sadly, and handed them to me. I said, “Seriously, these aren’t the usual hockey pucks, they’re really good, and my wife swears that they’re almost indistinguishable from high quality hamburgers.”
“I tried some of that Boca shit a few years back. It was shit.”
“Yes, Boca is shit, but this is different. Try them.”
He grinned widely and said,”Ahh, no thanks, but hope you enjoy ’em.” Then as I walked away, he yelled to another worker, “Hey, Frank, this guy wants me to eat some burger thing made outta seaweed!”
Ahh, Chicago!
In anniversaries and birthdays today, there’s a very special one to me: it’s the 60th anniversary of the publication of Lolita. And perhaps not coincidentally, the birthday of Roman Polanski. Also photobombing congresschimp and all-around comedy relief Louie Gohmert.
“I humbly apologize to Representative Chang, her husband, Mr. Gray, and to the broader Asian American community for those disparaging remarks. In the divisive age we find ourselves in, I should not contribute further to that divisiveness. I have reached out to Representative Chang to meet with her so that I may apologize to her in person. I pray she and the Asian American community can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”
Of course, an hour later, she wanted to slur Chang again.
If you’re like me, the Outrage Machine is a source of amusement. SP is not as amused as I am and gets angry about this stuff, but she’ll outgrow that. Or maybe not. Today’s hilarity is, as is has been for the past two years, TDS at its finest, as The Donald had the temerity to say kind things in memory of Aretha Franklin. HOW DARE HE!!!!!
When Trump says Aretha “worked for him many times,” he says with the arrogance of a slave owner…
SP’s point, which is 110% true, is that Trump does so much actual stupid shit, and gets away with it because his opponents are busy screaming incoherently and reflexively about unimportant or (in this case) non-existent shit.
“A small college can’t just keep adding majors,” President Jose Bowen said in a statement to the Baltimore Sun. “Sometimes we need to move resources from one to another and subtract too… We believe [scrapping programs in math and physics] is an opportunity for existing programs to come together in new configurations that speak in exciting ways to Goucher College’s ideals of social responsibility, environmental sustainability, and international studies.”
The woman was one of four victims who spoke at the sentencing for Powell who was convicted in March of 60 counts, including 24 counts of aggravated sexual assault, in connection with forcing his way into motel rooms and forcing the couples to have sex at gunpoint, then locking the men in bathrooms and sexually assaulting the women.
The challengers argue the law infringes on free speech because it requires them to publish information about political ad buyers. The newspapers also say the law includes onerous requirements for them to make data on ad buyers available to election officials on request.
“Russian meddling” now seems to be the new universal excuse for Team Blue to use the constitution as toilet paper. In a just world, there would be a long row of woodchippers in Annapolis to reduce waiting time.
Old Guy Music! And a bit less avant garde than last week’s selection. This week, we have Detroit’s finest guitarist, Kenny Burrell, accompanied by my favorite jazz bassist and drummer. This is some fucking great playing.
ZARDOZ SPEAK TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING RAISED YOU FROM BRUTALITY, TO SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO ARE LEGION…IT IS TIME AGAIN FOR ZARDOZ TO REMIND YOU OF HOW DEBASED THE BRUTALS ARE. HE WILL DO THIS THROUGH THE LINKS! GO FORTH AND READ! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ WONDER HOW ONE SAYS “HILLARY CLINTON” IN BAMBARA? HOWEVER, ZARDOZ MUST SUPPORT ANY CANDIDATE THAT IS NAMED Soumaila. ZARDOZ WONDERS HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ROADZ?
THAT THERE EXISTS SUCH A BRUTAL AS “BANANA GIRL” INDICTS ALL BRUTALS, EVERYWHERE. EXTERMINATORS, MOUNT UP!
TARGET “BANANA GIRL”
ZARDOZ IS QUITE SURE THIS WILL NOT BE SOLD AS SOME SORT OF “FIGHTING GALACTIC TRUMP”. NOSIREE! … ZARDOZ IS EXPERIMENTING WITH SARCASM. DID IT WORK?
ZARDOZ SEES THAT EVEN THOUGH THE BRUTALS OF AIRSTRIP ONE ARE DENIED THE GIFT OF THE GUN, THEY ARE WORKING ON THEIR CLEANSING SKILLS. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED.
Despite what The Cure may tell you, it is Friday that always comes too late. I’m done with this week. Been done for a while. So done. Time to crack open the office bottle and work my way through that until I can call it the weekend. I took my wife out to dinner last night because my mother is a saint and offered to watch the kids for a night. We ended up going all two miles down to the beach, where we had a nice dinner next to eight stereotypical Alabamans. How stereotypical? They shouted, “Roll Tide!” before doing a round of shots. I’m sure there are a lot of nice people in Alabama.
Florida Man had a rough day yesterday when his GTA LARP was interrupted by police.
Dubois was charged with two counts of Grand Theft Motor Vehicle, one count of Attempted Grand Theft Motor Vehicle, three counts of Burglary to a Conveyance, two counts of Burglary to an Occupied Dwelling, three counts of Leaving the Scene of a Crash with Property Damage, one count of Burglary/Battery, one count of Battery, two counts of Possession of a Controlled Substance, and three felony warrants for Violation of Probation- Grand Theft Motor Vehicle.
Don’t get me wrong. Some regulations should be eliminated because they’re just too costly relative to the protections they provide. But many regulations protect you and me from being harmed, fleeced, shafted, injured, or sickened by corporate products and services. And they’re worth it.
Yet Trump is taking a meat axe to all regulations. In so doing, he’s creating a new form of trickle-down economics—where the benefits go to corporate executives and major investors, while the costs and risks land on the rest of us.
Socialist It Girl bans media from town hall meeting
“We wanted to help create a space where community members felt comfortable and open to express themselves without the distraction of cameras and press. These were the first set of events where the press has been excluded,” said Trent. “This is an outlier and will not be the norm. We’re still adjusting our logistics to fit Alexandria’s national profile.”
Translation: Every time she goes on camera, her numbers go down
I love these breathless takes about the disappearance of the young lady from Iowa, especially the source that is citing from the FBI profiler playbook. At this point everyone who has ever read a single police thriller knows all of these things:
The 20-year-old Iowa college student was last seen on July 18 before she vanished without a trace. Police have followed hundreds of leads but have yet to follow one to Mollie, but it is believed she was kidnaped by someone she knew who is inserting himself into the investigation.
A source close to the FBI told Radar Online that authorities believe Mollie’s abductor is hiding in plain sight and even attended a vigil held for the missing student.
“There is reason to believe the person responsible for Mollie’s disappearance attended a vigil and has continued to closely follow the case,” the source said.
Oh what the hell, I worked too hard on the links to go deep on the music.
The NFL season gets closer and closer. And college is just two weeks away!!! Until then, we’ve got some baseball. And according to someone, here is how things should finish up. Can’t say I agree with all of that, but ok then. Oh, and yesterday’s results were: the Rays stung the Yankees. The Metropolitans annihilated the Phillies, The Cubs blanked the Pirates, The Nationals cooled off the surging Cardinals, the Phillies got some revenge in the nightcap against the Mets, the Rockies beat the Braves, the Rangers topped the Angels (and pulled off a triple play!), the MINNESOOOOODA TWIIIIIINS!!!!! beat the Tigers, the Royals beat Team Canada, and the Diamondbacks took their NL West lead to 2 with a win over the Padres.
And I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shoutout to Brandt Snedeker, who shot a 59 in his first round at the Wyndham Championship. And he bogeyed his first hole, too. That’s freaking incredible.
It takes the whole British Army and Navy to get her bra off.
OK, on to the birthday boys and girls. If there are any birthday Glibs out there, let us know in the comments. And I’ll let you know that you share the date with: Davy…Davy Crockett “king of the wild frontier”, movie producer Samuel Goldwyn, hottie actress Mae West, Chinese commie Jiang Zemin, pilot Francis Gary Powers, actor Robert “Punchy” DeNiro, Oracle founder Larry Ellison, drummer Sib Hashian, brilliant driver Nelson Piquet, guitarists Eric Johnson and Colin Moulding, singer Belinda Carlisle, murder victim David Koresh, moron Sean Penn, football coach “Chucky”, and all-around douchebag Christian Laettner.
Its also the day Losantville, OH was founded…it would later be called Cincinnati, Charles Darwin left South America for the last time, the first ever air mail took off (in a balloon in 1859), Wagner’s Gotterdammerung debuted, General George Patton entered Messina to complete the conquest of Sicily, Orwell’s “Animal Farm” was first published, 1957 Baseball player Richie Ashburn fouls and hits fan Alice Roth twice in the same game at bat playing for the Philadelphia Phillies, 1st hit breaks her nose, 2nd one hits her while she is on the stretcher (sorry, I had to post the whole thing because it made me laugh), “Life Of Brian” hit theaters, and Bill Clinton admitted under oath that he did in fact have sexual relations with Monica Lewenski.
Still laughing about poor Alice Roth. Anyway, here are…the links!
Twitter continues to be an enemy of free speech. And to those who clapped like retarded seals when Alex Jones got banned/unpersoned by googlefacebookyoutubeapple, keep clapping until it happens to you, you bunch of dumbasses.
Cops are called to home of mentally ill man. Mentally ill man with pill bottles for mental illness in hands freaks out. Cops handcuff man. Cops taser handcuffed man.Handcuffed man dies. Cops involved (FOUR OF THEM!) all get at least a two month vacation. And nothing else will happen.
Sorry your dad doesn’t care for free association, kid.
Father takes kid to first day at private school. Child is sent home because of his hair. School receiving death threats from morons. Bonus social signaling point: Talcum X has weighed in too!
“Was that wrong? Was I not supposed to do that?” Pervy Masshole feds 6 months for spying on girls in high school bathroom. The bastard is lucky my daughter wasn’t a student there, otherwise he’d be serving his sentence with no teeth. Also with no functioning limbs.
After eight solid hours of sleep, I feel like I might not be descending into some sort of gray hell anymore. I think I may be able to once again pass for human. The sun is out, the birds aren’t singing, and work is moving towards completion. Or else I just burned out my ability to be stressed about it for a couple of days.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
In sad news, Aretha Franklin passed away this morning. I am moving the music link to the top in her honor. So here’s Aretha with the best rhythm section in the world.
This one’s for Playa Manhattan. Health officials identify organism that sickened 650 diners at Chipotle. No word yet on identifying the sickness that keeps people buying the mediocre food that seems to be making people ill regularly.
Aliens off the Bermuda Triangle? I don’t believe it. Mr. Lizard, cleanup on aisle 3.
I’m usually no conspiracy theorist, but this sketchy report, if verified makes this New Mexico thing start to stink like old fish. First a judge lets two guys accused of multiple counts of child neglect and abuse, some probably fatal since cops found a skeleton in shallow grave, get to walk on a signature bond, then authorities destroy the compound? Again, this report is the only one I’ve seen and cannot verify this report. Maybe some poor CSI guy tripped over a booby-trap and they aren’t telling anyone yet. Its also fucked up, to me, that some news crew is walking around what should be a still active crime scene.
The White Sox are on a tear right now. They’ve reeled off two in a row..which is one more in a row than the Astros have won. But one is better than none, so I’ll take it. Other winners were: Seattle, the MINNESOOOOOOOOOODA TWIIIIIIINS!!!!!, the Cubs, the Mariners, the Phillies, the Mets, the Rays, Indians, Braves (and the Marlins pitcher was bush league last night, by the way), Blue Jays, Cardinals, Angels and the Dodgers avoided the sweep.
Effendi
Any Glibs out there celebrating a birthday today? Please out yourself in the comments. Oh, and you share it with: football pioneer Amos Alonzo Stagg, soldier and writer T.E. Lawrence, “Felix The Car” cartoonist Otto Messmer, Israeli leader and Nobel laureate Menachem Begin, “laureate of American lowlife” Charles Bukowski, philanderer Frank Gifford, Catwoman hottie Julie Newmar, moron Carol Mosely-Braun, musician Barry Hay, bluesman Eric Bibb, wife of aforementioned philandered Kathie Lee Gifford, director and SJW James Cameron, guitarist Tim Fariss, nasty skank Madonna, comedic actor Steve Carell, and musician Bob Hardy.
Its also the day Yorktown was founded, the Brits, with help from Tecumseh, captured Fort Detroit, “Siegfried” debuted at Bayreuth, Babe Ruth hit the first ever homer at Comiskey Park, riots in Calcutta between Muslims and Hindus over Pakistani independence left over 4000 dead (1946), the Shah fled Iran for Rome, Ringo replaced Pete Best as drummer for the Beatles, the Ramones played their first gig, Peter Gabriel quit Genesis, John DeLorean was acquitted, Bon Jovi released “Slippery When Wet”, and Julian Assange was granted political asylum by Ecuador.
OK, now on to…the links!
Lying scumbag
Lying, spying, murdering piece of shit John Brennan had his security clearance revoked by President Trump. Now of they could just get around to trying the son of a bitch for perjury among other things, we’d start scratching the surface of the justice that he so richly deserves.
With closing arguments completed, the jury will begin deliberations in the Paul Manafort bank and tax fraud trial. I hope they didn’t buy into the government’s class war bullshit and see that there were literally no bankers that made a complaint about his loans, and his so-called “fraud” involved several people operating completely in the open.
Today, I got nothing. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours in 3 or 4 nights. Not really sure at this point. I haven’t started having any squiggles at the edge of my vision or auditory hallucinations yet, but the coffee isn’t doing it for me anymore. So if tomorrow’s links are gibberish, either I didn’t get any sleep or I’m just making less sense than usual. One day, one day, I will finish a project working steadily over the whole time. On that day, I will probably be terminated. Maybe the day after. Oh well, less than 3 weeks to deadline. Maybe tonight I’ll be too tired to worry about what didn’t get done.
Main page image courtesy of the super-awesome Hyperbole and a Half, who has not updated in years, but if you never read it, or haven’t read it in a while, is worth your time — and you will probably recognize some famous internet memes if you read much, because it is just that awesome.
Of all the horrible things that Net Neutrality has wrought, allowing the US to move from 12th to 6th fastest in speed at which racist, sexist filth can be downloaded over the interwebz has to be the worst!
Good news out of AZ, where the cops have really started adopting turning on their body cams — to record office trysts. You goddam moron. No matter WHY you are recording something, it is still evidence.
This Florida Man’s way to Heaven is definitely greased. “Authorities say a worker has died after falling into a vat of oil at a facility near Walt Disney World.”
Oh lawd. Elizabeth Warren launches “Accountable Capitalism” campaign. In which “Warren wants to create an Office of United States Corporations inside the Department of Commerce and require any corporation with revenue over $1 billion — only a few thousand companies, but a large share of overall employment and economic activity — to obtain a federal charter of corporate citizenship.” Which is not the school-days definition of fascism “government control over a corporate economy” by some magic handwaving. What in the everloving fuck? I guess that’s one way to pop the stock market bubble.
Here’s something from the Pogues for all you pogues.
The World Champion Houston Astros are in a free fall. That’s all I have to say about their fifth loss in a row and second consecutive terrible outing by Justin Verlander. Their lead is down to one game after the loss to the Rockies. Crap. Elsewhere, the Brewers blanked the Cubs, the Orioles beat the Mets, the Yanks beat the Rays, the Red Sox topped the Phillies, hey look the White Sox beat the Tigers(!), The Indians massacred the Reds, the Braves beat the Marlins, the D-backs topped the Rangers, the MINNESOOOOOODA TWIIIIIINS topped the Pirates, the Blue Jays beat Kansas City, the Cards beat the Pats, the As topped theMariners, the Giants beat the Dodgers again and the Angels took out the Padres.
In addition to our very own robc, today’s birthday boys and girls (and whatever else people call ximselvez) include such luminaries as: French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, chef extraordinaire Julia Child, Canadian jazzman Oscar Peterson, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, bassist Bill Pinkney, drummer Peter York, musician Tom Johnston, NFLPA hack Gene Upshaw, writer Stieg Larsson, wife Linda Gates, “actor” and filmmaker Ben Affleck, and selfie-taker Jennifer Lawrence.
One can only imagine the smell at that event.
Its also the day Ignatius Loyola formed the Jesuits, the Mayflower set said, New Zealand’s All-Blacks played their first international rugby match and defeated Australia 22-3 (1903), the Panama Canal opened (under budget!), “The Wizard Of OZ” premiered, India gained her Independence, the Beatles played Shea Stadium, the Woodstock festival opened, Nixon froze prices and wages, “Apocalypse Now” opened, and Nolan Ryan earned his 324th and final MLB victory.
So, a child’s dead body, plenty of evidence that they’re training terrorists, a definite flight risk unless under constant surveillance, and you still grant them bail? For context, Paul Manafort is on 24-hour isolation as his tax evasion trial continues.
The defense rested yesterday without calling a single witness, so now the Paul Manafort trial will move to closing arguments today. I’m curious to find out what other exotic clothing and accessories he owns when the prosecution further lays out their politically-motivated case.
I really hate work-dodgers. It just annoys the shit out of me to see someone who is basically absent, late, or useless. The only thing more annoying than that is when a work-dodger decides that they need some piece of information from me RIGHT NOW when I’m working 10+ hour days and several hours on the weekend. I’m pretty ruthless about “is this going to get me to deadline?” (Which, this is not, but its kind of a sanity restorer in the mid-afternoon, so I will claim if there’s blowback) So I’m annoyed when a person misses a meeting due to a personal day and then tries to impose on me for the notes with our mutual boss in copy. The first draft of my answer said, “should have brought yourself to the meeting if you want to know what happened”, but PTO is rightly sacred. It’s your time (and also your responsibility to make sure your work gets taken care of). My final answer said, “I don’t have time to type up a summary for you, talk to this other person who attended and sent a summary email.”
Anyhow, enough about my work life, you want links.
This disaster of an article posits Americans own less stuff because of media digitization and ride-sharing, takes winding detour into a confused “if American kids don’t have stuff, how will they learn to respect property rights”, and brings it all to a close with an incoherent cry for stronger Right to Repair protections. Its like this person has been listening to people much smarter have conversations and brought out this pastiche of misconceptions.
Nebraska does to convicted murderer what celebrities pay good money to do to themselves. And, I’m just spitballing here, but it seems like there’s an underserved market in either a fentanyl rapid test, or a 3rd party who certifies drugs as fentanyl free and enforces their brand integrity by any means necessary.
