…and the confirmed predictions keep rolling in! Between the Glibs engagement, hookups with hotties, and the fishing fotos we have further proof that the stars never lie.*
What do we have for you this week? Well, as always, some things stay the same. The sun is still in Taurus, so that’s good for ranchers. We still have Mercury in Aries harshing everyone’s mellow and making my job harder. And we still have a retrograde Jupiter in Scorpio. But…
Celestial Ying-Yang
This week we have an odd alignment of that retrograde Jupiter with Sol and our own Terra Firma. That amplifies the Jovian effects out the celestial ying-yang. So it becomes more important to get a handle what Jupiter is actually doing as it’s spinning the wrong way through Scorpio. I think in this case, it’s crucial to get some context from the rest of the chart and how it relates to this. So as above, we’ve got the Mercury in Aries thing. This tension/ambivalence simultaneously makes our interpretation both easier and harder. It indicates that both of alternativeinterpretations will be true, but that we won’t be able to necessarily know how they are applying. The conclusions are:
Your OCD is going to be worse than usual.
You should spend some time focusing on your genitals.
If you have the opportunity to cloister yourself with someone (actually two someones, see below) for said genital-focusing you should take it.
Said time should involve “unnatural acts.”
Venus in Gemini indicates it’s a great time for three-way lovin’, twincest, and/or mirror use. Related to that, there is also an alignment of Venus with Sol and Mercury, so if this is your first time with said twins, take it. Actually, why would you need me to tell you to accept the offer of a threeway with a set of twins? What is wrong with you?
In non-hot-group-action signs, we have an addition to the sports betting signals that have been hanging out for a few weeks: the moon comes into conjunction with mars. This is a change sign, so if you’ve been lucky betting on a particular team, this week they will let you down.
Tarot update: I suck at image editing, and I’ve been busier than something that is extremely busy in folksy analogies. If there is anyone out there who is competent and enjoys this sort of thing, let me know.
There is a reason the Rider-Waite deck is so popular: it’s got a ton of detail to fixate on and inspire drug-assisted mental connections. So sometimes (barring the intervention of actual artists) I’ll be just adding things onto existing cards, like so:
So here, it’s a simple matter of replacing the scepter with a banhammer and adding Her initials to the shield. We get to keep the reclining position, the crown of stars, etc. that are used for interpretation cues.
While I do like R-W, it seems more appropriate for The Tower to use one from The Cthulu Mythos Tarot:
Of course, this brings up a good question: How do we communicate the glibness of the Arcana? The SPempress is relatively easy, as is The Sun, Reversed:
Hello, Rufus!
But for SF, should we use the current hedobot avatar, or the earlier Snidely Whiplash? Hedobot with a Snidely Whiplash mustache?
If anyone has a preference how they are to be represented, please let me know, or better yet, send me the artwork. Honestly, an actual photo of Yusef with a bindle walking along the edge of a wall at Slab City would be AWESOME.
“DEAR ABBY”. NO GIVE GOOD ADVICE.STEVE SMITH #1 ADVICE GIVER!
STEVE SMITH HERE TO GIVE ADVICE! HIM SEE TOO MANY PEOPLE GO LOOK AT “DEAR ABBY” COLUMN FOR HELP. THAT NO GOOD! STEVE SMITH DO BETTER. HIM HELP FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE. HERE BETTER ADVICE THAN OLD LADY WHO SMELL LIKE HAIRSPRAY AND BRAN FLAKES:
Q: We moved to the country, but we’re not really far out of town. My educated, urbane, professional husband who has always lived in the city, now bypasses our 2 1/2 bathrooms and relieves himself outdoors in a “king of all he surveys” pose.
We no longer have children living at home, and he refrains from doing it when we have company or there’s any possibility of his being seen, but it still drives me crazy! Could I be jealous because I am female, or should I join him? Is it truly as unsanitary as it seems, and is my letter a “first”? — TEMPTED IN CALIFORNIA
A: STEVE SMITH LIKE HUSBAND. STEVE SMITH POSE AS “KING OF ALL HE SURVEYS” WHEN HIM GO TOO! OF COURSE, STEVE SMITH IS KING OF ALL HIM SURVEY, IN FOREST. STEVE SMITH I, FIRST OF THAT NAME, KING OF FOREST! LORD OF RAPE! EARL OF ASSAULT! …
BACK TO QUESTION. OF COURSE YOU JEALOUS. JOIN IF CAN. IF JOIN, MAKE IT QUICKER FOR STEVE SMITH IF HIM VISIT. BY VISIT, MEAN RAPE. IF TOO EMBARRASSED TO JOIN, HIT HUSBAND ON HEAD WITH BIG ROCK, MAKE STOP.
NO GO HERE!
Q: I need advice badly. A close family member has been living with a woman who sexually assaults people by grabbing their genitalia, kissing them forcibly on the mouth and touching their buttocks. She’s completely without boundaries.
We have an important family event coming up and have decided not to invite her because we don’t feel safe around her. The close family member is incensed with us, furious even. He chalks his girlfriend’s transgressions up to “medical events.”
Abby, are we right to not allow her to be part of situations where she will undoubtedly behave like this? Or must we “just accept it and move on,” as our family member insists, in spite of being well aware of her pattern of behavior? — ANONYMOUS IN THE EAST
A: STEVE SMITH SYMPATHIZE WITH CRAZY WOMAN….BUT HIM NO TRUCK WITH COMPETITORS. CAN BE ONLY ONE WITHOUT BOUNDARIES! AT LEAST ON LAND. COUSIN SEA SMITH HAVE NO BOUNDARIES IN WATER. STEVE SMITH HAVE TALK WITH CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER ABOUT MANNERS. BY HAVE TALK WITH, MEAN RAPE. IF HIM NO LEAVE CRAZY GIRLFRIEND BEHIND, STEVE SMITH SAY RELAX. TRY ENJOY IT. OR HIT CRAZY ON HEAD WITH BIG ROCK. YOU CHOICE.
STEVE SMITH WANT TALK!
Q:When I met my husband, he dressed impeccably — suits, sharp sport coats, monogrammed shirts, freshly pressed dress slacks, top-of-the-line leather shoes. Even when we went out with friends for a casual night or a movie, he still dressed well in current, fashionable clothing. I fell in love with a man who dressed beautifully (my father was known for his attire as well, which is perhaps why I like the successful look).
Now that he’s retired, his jeans always look dingy (they’re not dirty; they just look like they are), his sneakers look worn, and he just doesn’t care about his appearance like he once did. When we go out together, I’m embarrassed.
I love the man who used to care about his appearance, not this retired, sloppy-looking guy. If I complain, he tells me I’m being ridiculous. I don’t expect him to look like he once did (office attire), but he should at least look current, crisp and clean. Am I wrong to be embarrassed? — LIKES THE OLD LOOK
A: STEVE SMITH IS DISAPPOINT. YOU SOUND LIKE IN LOVE WITH CLOTHES. NOT MAN. “CLOTHES DO NOT MAKE THE MAN”. HIM WORK HARD ALL CAREER, NOW HIM WANT RELAX, YOU NAG. STEVE SMITH SAY LEAVE ALONE! HIM VISIT TO MAKE SURE YOU SHOW RESPECT. BY VISIT, MEAN RAPE.
STEVE SMITH DRESS “FOREST CASUAL” ALMOST ALL TIME.
WHY YOU NO LIKE CASUAL LOOK?ONLY GO FANCY AS “STEPHEN SMYTHE”
NOW STEVE SMITH MAKE EXCEPTION. IF YOU HUSBAND LOOK LIKE THIS:
Engineering stimulates the mind. Kids get bored easily. They have got to get out and get their hands dirty: make things, dismantle things, and fix things. When the schools can offer that, you’ll have an engineer for life. — Bruce Dickinson
It’s very satisfying to bring something back from the dead and make it work and look new again. I learned this feeling early on in my life thanks to my dad. When I was 8 or 9 years old, he caught me taking his lawn mower engine apart. Instead of beating my ass, he bought me an old lawn mower from a garage sale for $5 to tinker with and fix. His goal was primarily to keep me away from his machine, but he also wanted a safe outlet for my interests and worked with me when possible.
Thanks dad, you and Bruce were right, I’m now both an engineer and Maiden Fan for life.
Part 1: Background
What is a Hi-Fi?
A Hi-Fi is a 1950-60’s marketing term for a High Fidelity audio system. They began appearing in the early 1950’s in the US, Europe, and the rest of the world. It is basically what we would call a stereo system in the 1970-90’s. The major difference between a Hi-Fi and a stereo system is mostly one of aesthetics and partially sophistication. The Hi-Fi was typically an electronics package mounted into furniture in the style of the era. In the 50’s and early 60’s, this meant a mid-century modern look with simple lines and/or modern space-age like themes. In the later 60’s and 70’s, the Hi-Fi look became a more traditional Spanish or colonial furniture style. In comparison, a rack or bookshelf mounted stereo system of the 60’s-90’s were intended for the audiophile that wanted more audio power, fidelity, or customization. The appearance of the rack system was generally utilitarian with separate components and speakers.
Why would I or anyone want to restore a vintage (old) Hi-Fi?
The appeal of a vintage Hi-Fi over a rack system, or modern solutions such as MP3 speakers, is the style of the system. From a fidelity or sound quality perspective, the vintage Hi-Fi is likely inferior to a component rack or sophisticated surround sound system; however, it can be superior to many modern MP3 speakers and PC systems for certain types of music. Fidelity is not always a critical feature these days compared to storage, portability, or other factors. My own impression is that an older Hi-Fi in good working order can be superior to that of standalone MP3 speakers made by suppliers such as Bose or most PC cheap speaker systems.
The Hi-Fi to me is a beautiful piece of furniture that can be the center of the entertaining area of your house. It is a throwback to a time when couples would have drinks and listen to a new record together. It can be in the background playing the sound track for the party or fill the house with sound while you are working. The final and most important factor for me was having a project that allowed me to tinker with electronic and mechanical systems, as well as apply some basic furniture refinishing with little financial risk.
My Hi-Fi: Webcore Ravinia 1958
I had passively been looking for a vintage Hi-Fi for a while on Craigslist. My criteria were the following:
1950’s -1970 time frame due to the styling of that era and the likelihood of finding cheap offerings.
The wood furniture must be solid, in relatively good condition, and free of water damage or serious contamination from pets or the environment.
The electronics don’t have to be in working order as I plan on repairing or, if necessary, replacing the guts of the system.
The Hi-Fi must be cheap enough that I won’t mind putting it on the tree lawn for the gypsies to take away if I completely muck it up.
I found what I was looking for after a few fits and starts of searching. I saw a Webcore Ravinia for sale for $40 locally. I made an appointment with the seller to meet and inspect it. The gentleman selling it inherited it from his grandmother and wanted to get the bulky thing out of this garage so he could fill it with used Firebird parts and meth fixins. It had a lot of dust and grime on it, but the wood was in relatively good shape for refinishing. Finally, the look and size of the system was close to what I was looking for.
Thanks Brother
The seller was adamant to demonstrate that the Hi-Fi worked, so he showed me that it could play Overkill’s Eliminate using his IPod through the Aux and remote control port. The electronics were functional enough to turn on without letting the smoke out of any components. The phonograph was barely able to turn and had no sound coming from it. I decided to take it that day. So I left my fledgling meth maker with $40 and brought it home and into the house. I proceeded to clean it up a bit, open up the back to ensure there were not pounds of dead mice or animal fur inside, and finally checked out the components and chassis for electrical damage prior to doing a quick test. I dusted the insides and vacuumed the cat fur out of the guts of the system. It looked in relatively good shape so I decided to fire it up to get a baseline assessment.
My old Hi-Fi after a bit of basic dusting and the initial clean up.
Assumptions and Constraints
I assume the electronics and speakers were worth repairing; if not, I will scrap them entirely.
Do the mechanicals such as the original turntable function, and do I care if they don’t?
Is the woodwork able to be refinished without expensive tools I don’t have and without taking the entire unit apart?
During the execution of this plan, the default is to scrap it if things go bad and cost me significant money to move forward. I set a budget of ~$100 for all expenses.
I plan on attacking this project in three parts
Assess and refurbish the electronics if possible, or scrap them and replace with something more modern if not.
Refurbish the turntable if possible or scrap/disable if not.
Refinish the furniture to a reasonable appearance with focus on the top and front of the Hi-Fi.
Finally, I’m not looking to keep the Hi-Fi system original if it means costing money or lowering the performance significantly. Do not use vintage or refurbished components; new components are your friend.
Electronics Refurbishment
Ass Covering Disclaimer: This is not a comprehensive how to article but a description of the path I took. Proceed at your own risk.
The baseline performance assessment was as follows
The system powered up and the tubes all seemed to be functional (they glowed).
The turntable was activated and rotated without turning it on by the selector knob.
The turntable would not turn with uniform speed and the needle appeared to be damaged.
The radio worked on all bands AM and FM with normal amounts of tuning noise.
The knobs for volume, treble, and bass all generated a great deal of crackle and spit when actuated.
I was able to play my IPod through the Aux and Remote control port using RCA and Microphone Aux plugs respectively. The thrash metal meth head was right.
There was a great deal of 60Hz hum present even without an input present that was amplified with increasing volume. Recapping will be needed to clean this up.
There was a moderate level of high frequency static hiss present that was not modulated by the volume level. Possibly a bad cap on the amplifier or noise generated somewhere and being picked up in the speakers.
The speakers sounded ok and looked good from the backside. Keep the speakers if possible.
There was no functional off switch, but there was a location where it used to be. Use a power strip with a fuse and on/of switch.
The sound output began to change, diminish, and distort after the unit was on for about 30 minutes prompting me to shut the unit off. I suspect there is a power supply issue somewhere based on this behavior.
In summary, the electronics and speakers appear to be worth a refurbish instead of replacement.
Electronics refurbish plan based on the initial assessment.
Research the system and try to get a schematic to help with the refurbishment
Clean up the chassis and all of the tube sockets during the refurbishment
Replace the old leaky electrolytic and paper caps in the power and preamp stages to minimize line and high frequency noise
Clean and or replace the pots if needed to eliminate the crackle and snap
Keep the turntable disconnected until it can be refurbished
Replace the speaker crossover capacitors with modern plastic film units
Check for and replace any significantly out of tolerance or damaged resistors or ceramic capacitors
Leave the radio tuner alone if possible as it is functional and not a high priority
To be successful at this the following basic skills and abilities will be important:
Able read a electrical schematic and know the basics of AC electrical and high voltage safety (vacuum tubes operate at >300V and the electrolytic caps might have to be discharged)
Knowledge and application of basic wiring, soldering, and electrical testing with a multimeter
Have or gain some knowledge of basic components such as vacuum tubes, capacitors, resistors, and inductors
Helpful Resources
I found a great deal of advice on refurbishing vintage audio equipment as well as a site dedicated to providing information on these old systems.
I was able to get schematics called a Sam’s manual from this site.
With schematics in hand, I went about removing the power supply chassis from the rest of the system, this involved cutting some wires and unplugging others. At this stage it’s important to take a lot of photos and label each connection you plan on cutting to be sure you remember how to put it all back together again. I used masking tape and a sharpie and a lot of photos.
Once the power chassis is removed, you need to get an appropriate workspace, prepared to desolder, remove, and re-solder your components. I made a lot of paper copies of the schematics for taking notes and for reference during the process.
I began the process by removing and carefully storing the vintage tubes. These tubes were old RCA units made in the 50’s and 60’s but they are likely still in good shape. I flipped the chassis over and began by inspecting and understanding how the schematic related to the components so I could assess what I was dealing with. I planned on removing and replacing the big electrolytic capacitor containing 4 separate cap values in one can and replacing them with separate modern components. I found some work had been done in the past as evidenced by additional components and connections that were not in the schematics. The system likely had some noise that cropped up as the electrolytic caps aged and a tech added a few new caps in parallel as a fix. This appeared to have been done many years ago based on the age of the components. These had to go, and new components had to be retrofitted. I went through the Bill of Materials (BOM) provided by the SAMs manual and purchased new replacements from Parts Express; you could also use any one of several electronic stores or distributors.
Once the old components were removed, I cleaned and deoxidized the tube sockets with contact cleaner, cotton swabs, and pipe cleaners. After a lot of removal, rewiring, and replacement I found I had room to mount the new components in the chassis. I also checked each component for: tolerance, functionality, solder connection, ground isolation, and mechanical integrity. I also checked and rechecked the circuit for any errors on my part, as I had to rewire as well as replace components.
Now that the power chassis is done, I’m ready for the Pre Amp. This required a bit more desoldering from other components of the Hi-Fi, as well as the removal of the pots from the body of the Hi-Fi. Again take a lot of pictures and label your desoldered and cut connections. The paper capacitors all need to go, and another multiple electrolytic cap can needs to be removed and replaced. I’ll replace the paper caps with newer metalized polymer film capacitors and the electrolytic can with new discrete axial leaded components like in the power supply.
Make sure to check your schematic, look for cold solder joints, and test for bad components and connections.
While I had the Amplifier chassis out, I decided to clean instead of replace my pots that control volume, treble and bass. They were very noisy during the baseline testing. I found a contact cleaner and lubricant that is supposed to be a miracle worker for bad pots and sliders. Caig DeoxIT Fader Spray is apparently used by musicians to clean faders and pots. I sprayed a few squirts into the body of the pots and worked them extensively. I repeated this process one more time prior to rejoining the chassis to the Hi-Fi case. I also used this opportunity to clean the chassis and tube sockets.
Now I used my pictures and labels to reassemble the Hi-Fi. I took the opportunity to replace the crossover capacitors with modern units, while resoldering the power supply leads to the speakers.
I took this opportunity to remove and deep clean the control knobs and display as they looked like they had 60 years of metal meth head’s grandma’s skin on them. Hot water and simple green did the trick for the knobs and a little bit of spray cleaner cleaned up the display.
Once I had everything resembled and cleaned up, it was time to test the sound quality and compare it to the baseline.
The system powered up without any smoke or fire!!
The system selector worked as expected-> Radio, Aux, and Phono
The turntable was left unplugged
The Radio worked on all bands AM and FM with normal amounts of tuning noise
The knobs for volume, treble, and bass were free from any crackle and spit when actuated
I was able to play my IPod through the Aux and Remote control port using RCA and Microphone Aux plugs respectively
There was a no 60Hz hum present until the volume knob was turned to maximum with no input present
There was a small level of high frequency static hiss present that was not modulated by the volume level; it was present no matter what connected input was used
The speakers sounded great and had much more power than before
The sound clarity was much improved
The sound quality remained constant after 3 hours of use with no distortion or reduction of output
Here is a video of the operation and sound after refurbishment and where it will be located. The performance compared to the baseline was very significant and the sound is now great.
Part two will focus on the turntable
Part three will focus on the repair and refurbish of the cabinet
So you want to be a fortuneteller. Congratulations! You’re a moron!
There are a very few limited instances when putting up a crystal ball shingle is a good less than catastrophically bad idea:
It’s a front for your illegal business
It’s a money-laundering operation
You are otherwise unemployed, and/or bored AND you have no expenses involved with obtaining your venue.
In the same vein as giving a junkie some chlorox with which to sterilize their shared needles, here’s a little advice about succeeding in the X-mancy business.
This is the look you’re going for
First off, be a woman. You might get away with being an astrologer with a Y chromosome, but for palmisty, cartomancy, scrying or psychic reading ain’t nobody gonna pay you for your opinion. Once you are a woman, invest in chunky jewelry and scarves. Consider dying your hair, but for the love of Gaia, do not have it professionally done. You need to do it yourself. The look you are cultivating is “sketchy.” Respectable people make crappy fortunetellers. There needs to be something… off about your appearance — the difference between “underbridge dweller” and “reclusive gypsy” is in the attitude and how you set up your surroundings.
Nice try
Do you think you’re psychic? Great! This is going to help lot. It’s like they say, “sincerity is important, once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” The most successful psychic I know acts exactly as if they believe their own bullshit completely. She has never dropped the facade in front of me. Remember, you’re mostly a salesperson at this point, so have confidence in your product! What if you can’t actually believe that you have the power to foretell the future? Well, there is a solution to that.
Remember the oracle at Delphi? Paint huffer. Not from a spray can, but all natural organic hydrocarbons straight from Mother Earth’s crack. If you want to go with the classics, you can choose ether, but what with the usual accouterments of candles and incense, I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t want to go all Richard Prior. But be careful that you don’t overdo it. “Not entirely safe, not entirely sane” will draw the attention of the mark; “Crackhead” will have them scurrying for the door without paying. The point of the drugs is to take the edge off your internal censor and *ahem* “open your mind to” the possible connections between the real world and your divinatory tools. The only difference between “psychic” and “psychotic” is “cot,” which is what you’re probably going to be sleeping on if you choose to ply this trade.
There is one skill that is pretty much mandatory if you’re going to make this business a sole/unaugmented source of income: cold reading. This is a skill that can be learned, so do it. Prestidigitation is also extremely useful, both for forcing cards and well… we’ll get to that
Notice that the mark must ALWAYS be wealthier than you
Last thing: if you want to make real money, you’re going to need a permanent premises so that you can build a clientele of suckers. And if you want to really take them for what you can get, you’re going to need to commit some felony-level fraud. This is going to end badly, if for no other reason that former marks, even ones that you that you didn’t even rip off will eventually be upset with your advice and having a fixed place of business means they know where to find you to make their displeasure known, or to send the local constabulary. If you are satisfied by the rewards of one-off clients and the occasional petty larceny (this is where prestidigitation comes in: if you keep your workspace cluttered, claustophobic, and filled with garish colors and patterns, this can make the mark more distracted and less likely to remember that he set down something small and salable, particularly if he didn’t notice you palming it.) then it’s safer to adopt the M.O. of grifters everywhere and keep mobile. Carney life here we come! Actually, renaissance fairs are a pretty good deal for an aspiring fortuneteller: the one-person tent is the cheapest premises you can have and is perfect for the kind of work you need to do, you have a constant flow of new clients pushed right in front of your flap, and those clients are in a pretty good mood and won’t actually take your advice too seriously. Plus lots of them are drunk. Blessings to Eris and Dionysus for drunken marks!
I should probably also mention that dial-a-psychic is a thing that exists and my closest fortuneteller friend makes her living doing this, but I’ve never seen it in operation first-hand. so not only do I not know anything about it, I don’t even know enough to be entertainingly ignorant about it.
Renfair. Pros: lots of one-off clients, steady income. Cons: herpes.
Now, on to this week’s chart!
This week has a couple of strong markers, and an oddly large number of tension/uncertainty indicators. The more definite signs are for good fishing, and an extraordinary alignment (Sol-Mercury-Venus-Saturn retrograde) for relationships. This is an excellent week to meet new partners, but a terrible week for breakups. If the squeeze hasn’t gotten his crap out of the house KK, maybe it would be better to put it off until next week. On the tension front, we have TWO different cross-alignments of opposition influencts; we have change and stability signs on top of each other (Mercury in Capricorn) as well as balance/flux juxtaposition (Luna in Libra). If you are having difficulty figuring out WTF is going on in your life, this probably is why.* The positioning last week that encourages sports betting (Mars-Saturn retrograde in Capricorn) and masturbation (Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio) remain this week, so have fun with that .
First, let me apologize for being lazy. When I cast the horoscope, I do it on the Sunday of the week, without reference to previous weeks, which means I completely missed that there was a beautiful Mars-Venus-Mercury-Sol alignment last Monday. That would have been the perfect time for breaking up with someone, and I neglected to find it for you in time. Dommage. Take it out of my paycheck.
Good news! MERCURY RETROGRADE is now over. We have normality, repeat: we have normality. Anything you can’t deal with is, therefore, your own problem.
However, because the heavens really like fucking with us, we have Saturn going station retrograde. Now this doesn’t have the normal havoc-wreckage that Mercury does, and it can actually flip Saturn’s leaden influences (see the prediction in the 6th paragraph) but it can also bring out the destructive, cannibalistic aspects of the planet.
Prominent planetary alignment: Sol-Mercury-Mars. Good news for war correspondents, bad news for military planners.
Luna in Cancer = secrets revealed. No indication if this is beneficial or baneful. Uncovering secrets is usually a zero-sum or negative-sum game, so probably not terribly good unless you’re a PI. Or possibly a war correspondent. Hmmm. Maybe we’re going to find a secret stockpile of chemical weapons?
Mars and Saturn retrograde in Aries = bet on fights. Probably not bumfights though. Also, your favorite cabrito place will be particularly good this week.
Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio = misuse of genitals. Also poisonings by crappy rulers. A lot of Syria in the stars this week.
Venus in Taurus = hung like a bull. Keep your Tinder/Grindr accounts active if you’re into that sort of thing.
The sun is transitioning into Taurus this week, so we can look forward to a month conducive to drudgery, hard work, machismo, and hamburgers.
On a personal note, I’ve been thinking about supplementing the astrology with some cartomancy, but to do this for such a specific application I should have a custom Tarot printed. I am having some difficulty deciding who to put on which card. Some Glibs should definitely be in the deck somewhere, but determining where in the Major Arcana to slot them in is difficult. The best solution is to add to the MA (so for example, there will be a card called “The Skier” in there for KK) but I should fill out the existing trumps first. Suggestions are appreciated.
The following cards have good matches already. Trying to talk me out of these will probably have no good effect:
The Fool – Yusuf
The High Priestess – Riven
The Empress – SP (I swear to Bob that nobody should try to dispute this)
The Emperor – OMWC (Kind of riding SP’s coattails with this one)
The Lovers – Sloopy and Banjos
Strength – Warty (go ahead, I dare you)
The Tower – SugarFree (remember, The Tower represents loss, destruction and catastrophe)
Judgment – Swiss Servator (Disagree? I will fite u irl)
The World – Heroic Mulatto
These cards I have tentative matches for, but I’m not sold on them yet:
The Magician – Me (Design your own gorramn Tarot if you want to be in it)
The Heirophant – Pope Jimbo
The Chariot – Doomco
Justice – Mexican Sharpshooter
The Hanged Man – Jesse
Death – The Late P. Brooks
Temperance – UnCiv
The Star – Gilmore
The Moon – Q Continuum
These I really don’t have a clue on:
The Hermit
Wheel of Fortune
The Devil
The Sun
In addition to adding cards, I’m thinking of having some of the cards reversed by default. Rufus would go well on The Sun (reversed) I think.
And of course, this is just the first step. Next, I’ll need to pick artwork. Fortunately, I’ve already found a printer that includes consecrated hosts and infant-blood Purim matzos in the paper so that part’s been taken care of.
Last week I tried communicating the astral influences abstractly, allocating no alphabetic allegories to muddle the mystic meanings. I was accused of “phoning it in.” While I was initially angry at such Phillistinery, it occurs to me that perhaps not everyone is as connected to cosmic conditions as I am, otherwise you’d all be casting your charts yourselves. Perhaps music and gun reviews were too pointed of parables to perceived by the peanut gallery.
So I should say stuff simpler. I need a knack of knowing what to whisper into the inner ear of the lacking listener. What medium could there be that speaks so succinctly, that communicates so completely, so infinitely innately immediately understandable than interpretive dance?
With the moon in Aquarius, we have two powerful water/femininity confluences resulting in enhancement of tides, the color blue, and zaftig burlesque dancers.
I’ve warned previously about the meaning of Saturn and Mars in Capricorn, but with the two planets coming into conjunction, you really should pay attention.
And, while this video really was more apropos when Venus was in conjunction, it still works as long as the Sun and Mercury retrograde are doing their thing in Aries.
And in continuing good news for our phallophillic glibs, Venus remains in Taurus.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. ZARDOZ DID NOT RAISE YOU OUT OF BRUTALITY, ONLY TO SEE SOME WIZENED ADVICE COLUMNIST BRUTAL DRAG YOU BACK INTO THE WAYS OF ERROR. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE HIS CHOSEN ONES THE GIFT OF ADVICE. GO FORTH AND READ!
Q.My elderly father remarried after my mother died two years ago. He married an acquaintance who is 30 years younger at the courthouse with no friends or family in attendance.
He told this woman beforehand that there was a large widow’s pension he’d paid into for decades that he wanted to give to her by marrying her. She claimed to be in an “unhappy” marriage at the time, and promptly got a divorce.
Well, she and her now-ex have “suddenly started getting along just great,” so she decided to continue to live with her ex after her marriage to Dad. Despite agreeing to these terms and because the woman teased him before their marriage, Dad is angry that she still won’t have sex with him.
Also upsetting is that when they are out socially, his new wife still introduces her ex as her “husband” and Dad as their “friend.”
Now we learn, despite assurances during discussions with an attorney prior to the marriage that she would never exercise her rights as a spouse to any other funds or property, she’s asking my dad for a monthly allowance so she can retire, since she has no savings.
Abby, do we have any recourse in this situation? Do you think we are right to call my father’s marriage fraudulent, and would we be considered accomplices by not reporting it to any authorities before his death? — STEPDAUGHTER IN REVOLT
A. WEAKLING! WHY ARE YOU ASKING “DEAR ABBY” WHAT TO DO? WHY ARE YOU NOT LEADING A TROOP OF BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS OVER TO THE DWELLING OF ‘NEW WIFE’ AND ‘EX’. YOUR ONLY DECISION SHOULD BE IF THE TWO ARE TO BE CLEANSED,
ANNULMENT SQUAD…ATTACK!
OR TAKEN AS GRAIN SLAVES.
HAPPY RETIREMENT!
YOUR “DAD” IS NOT BLAMELESS EITHER, DOTARD OR NOT – HE MUST REMEMBER THE PENIS IS EVIL! SO TELL HIM TO SAVE HIS “NOT GETTING ANY” ANGER.
THE WHAT IS EVIL AGAIN?
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q.I’m in seventh grade. Until recently, I was my usual happy, bubbly self. I saw school as a place to make friends and have more freedom than I did in elementary school. I was always happy and social and made friends easily.
As the months have passed, it seems like, as I look around, everything annoys me. I can’t explain why but I have stopped talking to all of my friends for long periods of time.
All these terrible emotions build up. I am angry, sad, frustrated. Now everything that has built up inside me comes out at the worst times. I cry a lot and I feel no one understands why.
This may seem like a normal middle-school breakdown that goes away over days, but it’s not. People see me crying and think, “Oh no, she’s crying for no reason again” or “Why is she crying? What is wrong?” but the thing is I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
At odd moments when I’m alone with my thoughts, these feelings come back, stronger and stronger each time. I can’t stop them. Why am I like this? — ALMOST-TEEN IN TURMOIL
A. YOUNG BRUTAL, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY FEELING THE PROPER GUILT AT BEING PART OF THE PLAGUE OF MEN, THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. THAT, OR YOU ARE GOING THROUGH A NORMAL PART OF ADOLESCENCE. THE TABERNACLE CAN REFER YOU TO A QUALIFIED ETERNAL TO SCAN YOU AND ADVISE.
TABERNACLEMED, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
SHOULD YOU BE UNABLE TO SHAKE THIS OFF – MAYBE SOME FRESH AIR AND HARD WORK WOULD HELP CLEAR YOUR MIND…
WELCOME TO CAMP VORTEX
WE ALSO HAVE AN “ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL” AVAILABLE. THE FACULTY ARE QUITE DEMANDING, HOWEVER.
Today’s planetary alignment: Sun, Mercury (retrograde), Earth, Moon. With both the full moon and Mercury retrograde, prepare for some craziness. Like really crazy, people-rising-from-the-dead crazy. Furthermore, the full moon is bringing its destabilizing effects to Libra, further disrupting the natural order of things. Expect lots of practical jokes and hoaxes.
Everything else remains the same as last week, celestial-influencewise.
Since even I, paragon of laziness, can’t leave a submission at sixty words, I’ve decided to cast a horoscope for Glibertarians.com, the website. Now since this is the first time I’ve done such a thing for a entity that is artificial, electronic, abstract, collective and incorporeal, the interpretations will be a bit… unrefined.
Since the first post was by OMWC, I’m using the horizon as (would be) seen from Chicago for the reference. So there’s one strike against ol’ Glibby already.
Some of the standard phrases for this horoscope are pretty damn funny:
Conservative (no, goddammit, not conservative! Libertarian! There is a fucking difference!)
You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit. (Yes, but how does that square with conservative?)
When you feel insecure or threatened, you become overly sensitive to criticism. (*koff* *koff* Yeah, not touching that one.)
You tend to be very opinionated — you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker — you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial — you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things. For you, as well as for the rest of your peers, the issue of personal freedom is not just an abstract issue that can be discussed and then forgotten. You feel very deeply the loss or threat of loss of your ability to remain unrestricted and independent. And you will react vigorously and vociferously to defend your right of self-expression, no matter what the cost. (God DAMN but astrology is an exact science.)
Seize your destiny, Glibs!
Now that’s all well and good, but you have to look at the chart as a whole. Frankly there’s a lot of aggression and stubbornness in this chart (particularly sexual), and a surprising amount of prudishness. Yeah, I don’t have that figured out, either. Maybe because of Eddie’s presence in the beginning? If Glibertarians.com were a ruler, it would be a fair and just one.
But what of… Destiny? What fate awaits our happy little home? When will it end? How will it end? Will it fade away as people get bored with it, or will it flame out in an explosion of egos and hurt feelings?
Well the stars can answer the last one: Glibertarians.com is going out with a bang, not a whimper. Now as to when the spectacular glibocalypse will happen, the chart is empty. Like literally empty. Like there’s not a frigging thing in there about longevity. Sometimes the sky is a bitch that way. There is bad news about the life Glibby is expected to experience: the signs point to collectivism ascending, and freedoms diminishing. A very odd and discomforting alignment indicating destructive change and/or rapid loss. This is another reason why astrologers are alcoholics.
Luna in Cancer = secrets revealed. No indication if this is beneficial or baneful. Uncovering secrets is usually a zero-sum or negative-sum game, so probably not terribly good unless you’re a PI. Or possibly a war correspondent. Hmmm. Maybe we’re going to find a secret stockpile of chemical weapons?
This week we have an alignment of the prime light (Sol) with TWO retrograde planets (Jupiter and Mercury) 
