Category: Advice

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for the Week of July 15

    The way that a horoscope should be cast:

    Call up the charts.  Get the rough facts in mind.  Where is what, and at what angles.  Don’t worry so much about interpretation.  Sleep on it.  Draw initial relationship markers.  Sleep on it again.  Consume some of your favorite consciousness/awareness expander (if available) and really study the charts.  Write down your revelations.  Reformat those revelations and upload.

    That’s the way I have been actually casting them lately.

    Wake up on Monday, head to work.  Engage in shouting matches with various trades, particularly emphasizing that “pre” means “before” which means those facilities should have been in place before you spent two days disconnecting, decontaminating and packing for shipment a piece of equipment that really is quite necessary for the functioning of the fab only to find that the tool has literally nothing to connect to in its new space, and why did you confirm that you were on schedule and ready to receive the equipment when I am plainly staring at a piece of completely empty RMF where there are supposed to be drains, water, CDA, nitrogen, argon, and vacuum lines? And, btw, absolutely none of this runs on 110 so why is that outlet there when the drawing clearly calls out 208?   Rinse and repeat until after stomping into the lab you find it strangely quiet because the trades don’t work on Friday.  Realize that it’s Friday and you have no recollection of Wednesday or Thursday.  Also realize that you haven’t worked on the horoscope.

    For this week, we have a BARCO alignment of Mars (retrograde)-Terra-Sol with Mercury-Venus in opposition.  Since Mars is in Aquarius, this indicates that the World cup is going to end (creepy how accurate the stars are, isn’t it?) With the Sun being part of the alignment, this indicates that the correct team is going to win.  Mercury-Venus is an odd combination to be in opposition to a Mars retrograde alignment.  In this case, we have “false news of a massacre,” either one happening and not being reported on or a false report of one happening.  It’s hard to say which, but the particularly bad part is that the news source at fault here is going to be one that is trusted.  Since I only trust glibertarians.com for my news, I’m wondering which one of TPTB is going to treat me like a dead Browns fan.  For future reference, it’s pretty generic to interpret any Mercury-opposed construction as “the news media are lying pieces of shit” and the customer will be able to confirm your predictions.

    This week, Jupiter has finally pulled its head out of its enormous Jovian ass and gone station direct.  Since it did this while in Scorpio, it means increased chances of breaking a dry spell… unless it’s with your SO.  For that to be true, we’d need a conjunction with Venus, but she’s hanging out over in Virgo.

    Venus in Virgo.  The personification of sex and The Virgin.  Astrologically, this isn’t that big of a contradiction, since Venus represents peace more than passion, the former of which is very good for Virgo.  But again, Virgo is stability and thoughtful consideration, and joining Venus is Luna, the sign of change.  When you put these together, it adds to the instability I mentioned last week that occurs to all non-Cancers during this month.

    Mercury in Leo: expect news about royalty, drama.  You want to hear bout drama?  I get a call from a union plumber installing the lines onto my VPD.  It went like this:

    “Yeah, usually I just make a flare connection but the part that the tube goes over isn’t there.”

    “That’s because it’s not a flare connection.  It’s a compression fitting.”

    “So, I just ask my boss for compression fittings?”

    “… Who is this?  You’re a plumber, right?”

    Then he wants to know if I have a catalog number for the fittings.  Then if I would buy them for him.  Then there was drama.

    Mars retrograde in Aquarius.  Not only does it signify the end of the World Cup, but it indicates a reduction in waste.  It had fucking better.  I’m paying these assholes $79/hour base, plus the various levels of “supervisors,” etc.

    I have nothing creative to add.  All of my creativity is dedicated to torture fantasies of the people to whom I am paying vast sums of money to do crap work.  But here’s some relevant zodiac music:

     

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: the Horoscope for July 8th

    This is looking to be a pretty good week all around, with one possible exception.

    The Sun in Cancer enhances preventative measures you may be taking this week, and it will help with emotional stability.  Not I’m saying that you should slack off on your meds (This horoscope has not been approved by the FDA to diagnose or treat any condition or illness).  Leo is enjoying a conjunction of Mercury and Venus.  Leos should look forward to good news and good lovin’.  The moon in Taurus brings additional strength and resiliency to your romantic and domestic relationships.  The potty-training Glibs will see real progress.  Now we get to the wild card in the sky:  Mars in Aquarius.  It’s been a clear and obvious (honestly, waaay to literal for me to ever give to a paying customer) sign of the World Cup.  But now Mars has gone retrograde.  It’s going the wrong way.  It’s going up the down staircase.  It’s going in through the out door… you get the picture.  Mars, much like the oiled up warriors of 300 that are used to represent it in popular media, is just brimming with “subtext.”  So how do we apply this fact?  Obviously, someone is going to be coming out.  Someone is going to be a blazing beacon of tabloid fodder.  I’m afraid I can’t see any names in the stars, otherwise I’d make a killing at Ladbrokers.

    Mars is really happy to see you

    As for alignments, there aren’t any.  The remnants of that double-opposition construct from last week are still there, so there may be some continuing reverberations from it, but neither arm is aligned any more.

     

  • Spontaneous Cooking for Two! Date Night Dessert

    Previously, I showed you how to make a chicken kiev type dish as an impressive date night main course. A date night dinner also needs a dessert. It’s ok to serve fresh fruit and cookies, but I’d like to show you how to make an equally impressive dessert to go with it. Although I said a date night dinner shouldn’t require you to spend time in the kitchen, this dessert does. It’s your chance to show off. I’m going to make a pineapple flambé to serve over ice cream.

    Mise en Place

    This dessert is yet another canvas for experimentation. I like to use a fresh fruit and a dried fruit. I soak the dried fruit in liquor. I am using dried cherries soaked in rum. Soaking them plumps them up and lets them soak up the flavor. I suggest you begin soaking them just before serving dinner. The rum is needed to make the flambe.

    Cherries in Rum

    I like cinnamon and pineapple, so I also dust the pineapple with a little cinnamon. I chop some fresh pineapple and sauté it in butter and a little brown sugar. When the pineapple reaches a good texture – easily pierced with a fork – I will add the dried cherries and rum.

    IMPORTANT!

    Important safety tip. Always remove the pan from the fire, add the alcohol, and then put it back on the fire. (Your guest should stand back.) If you have a gas stove, tip the pan slightly (away from you) and the fumes will catch fire. Impressive. If you don’t have a gas stove, use a lighter once the pan is returned to the heat.

    Flambé!

    FLAMBE BABY!

    Once the alcohol is flamed off, remove from the heat, dish up some ice cream and serve the pineapple mixture over the ice cream. Add a few nuts for texture. I’m using chopped pecans, but walnuts would also work.

    Finished Dessert

    (I know this is two big servings, I decided this would be my dinner. DON’T JUDGE ME!)

    Variations

    You can do many different combinations. I have done fresh apples (use something tart) and golden raisins soaked in bourbon. An apple brandy could be used, or switch out the raisins for dried cranberries. Peaches and dried cherries, pineapple and dried bananas, bananas and dried pineapple – you pick the liquor. They all work. I’ve used cinnamon on apples and basil on pineapple. Peaches, dried cherries and mint worked well. A friend of mine makes vanilla sugar by putting split vanilla beans in sugar in a small container. I bet that would be a good substitute for the sugar and cinnamon I used here. You’re going to eat it over ice cream, it’s hard to screw up.

  • I Mustn’t be Late! The Horoscope for 1 July

    You were hoping for Grace Slick, perhaps?
    What, wrong one?

    So this one is last minute because of two things:  work has begun ramping up into the five weeks of transferring operations between the two labs which means new and exciting incompatiblities (of every conceivable type) being discovered, and also the freeware software I use to generate my star charts borked out.  Hey, don’t blame me for being Jewish Scottish Miserly Frugal economically minded.  The geocentric stuff is easy to find substitutes for, but it took a while to get some heliocentric views.

    And I’m glad I did, because this week is a doozy:

    Strategic ambiguity ftw!
    Yeah, he really is

    We’ve got a construction that takes in five of the seven planets, with neither arm being major to the other:  Sol-Mercury-Venus and Mercury-Earth-Mars in mutual opposition.  That first bit is a sign of good gossip, but when it’s in opposition with the second it means that there is going to be a major blowup on the homefront caused by news of someone’s love life.  Now, the one bit of consolation if it happens to be YOUR love life news that is at issue is that one of these conflagrations, is that Saturn is not part of this construction.  So, the relationship will not be ending.  Actually, since Saturn is currently retrograde right now, adding it to the construction would give signs of a Medea situation, but it’s not so it’s not.

    So, on to the conjunctive news:

    God, I hope not.
    You’ve got three more weeks of this joke to come.

    This is the first full week of the Sun in Cancer, so be sure to wear at least SPF45 and get any suspicious spots checked for melanoma.  You don’t want to end up like John McCain do you?  Actually, this is one of those uncomfortable situations astrology-wise.  For people identified with (born in) Cancer, having the sun there is good.   But with Cancer being a water sign and the sun being about as fiery an object as there is, the juxtaposition makes the rest of the sky kind of grumpy and on edge.  Enjoy your July!

    Leo is getting some love, and it’s not even its turn in the sun yet.  This week it’s got a conjunction of Mercury with Venus, so Gryffindors can expect good news, good lovin’, and their cats will only excrete into their litterboxes.

    You know what?  Unless I tell you otherwise just assume that Jupiter retrograde is in Scorpio and Saturn retrograde is in Capricorn.  Got it?  Cool.

    In sports news, this week’s World Cup matches will feature an upset, as the moon moves into Aquarius along with Mars.  Wel, I’m reading it as an upset.  Technically it’s just “disorder/chaos/change” so riots or a flash flood would also be appropriate.

     

  • The Wit and Wisdom of Cardi B

    • My slogan for my [Presidential] campaign is – “ISIS, Suck a Dick!” Remember, America! Suck a dick! Suck a dick. Suck a whole lot a dick. Vote for me!
    • I put niggas to sleep like Jigglypuff.
    • It’s cold outside, but I’m still lookin’ like a thottie, because a ho never gets cold.
    • Ride the dick like a BMX. No nigga wanna be my ex.
    • Eleanore Roosevelt, she did so much for the Blacks. That’s my bitch! And we got the same birthday – October 11!
    • Ever since I took that etiquette class, all I wanna do now is white people activities.
    • Everybody want to be a rapper. Fuck your dreams! Get a job.
    • God forbid, the government tries to take us over, and we can’t defend ourselves because we don’t have no weapons. How do you think American colonizers went to Africa and it was so easy for them to get those people? Because they had guns. No matter what weapon you have, you can’t beat a gun. They have weapons like nuclear bombs that we don’t have. So imagine us not having any weapons at all.
  • I Fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for June 24

    First up:  This weeks alignments…

    None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  The planets are all being non-conformists, but not doing it together like gothlings. From a heliocentric view, the universe is an empty place devoid of meaning, lifeless planets lumbering along indifferent to the existential horror, blindingly following their paths set by unreasoning forces until all existence dies frozen in ultimate blackness.

    This is going to be a bad week for aspies.  The moon is in Virgo, bringing change to people who don’t like change.  Interestingly, even though The Virgin is typically portrayed as female by the ancients, the personality types predicted perfectly match those of today’s male virgins.  This ability of a theory to correctly predict things centuries later is why astrology is considered such a perfect science.

    Fucking magnets, how DO they work?
    How much more perfect could a science be? None. None more science.

    Remember how I used to predict good fishing?  Well that orbital mechanic has turned around and now fishing is going to suck for a while.  C’est l’etoile.

    Your mental acuity will fade down to normal levels as Sol ceases illuminating Gemini.  on the other hand, Mercury continues in Cancer, so with a bit of effort, you can still be successful in that research you’ve been doing.  If you haven’t been doing any research, disregard that last bit.  For the non-researchers, you will probably forget to log off of something or clear your browser history, leading to  embarrassment.  You should have been researching something.

    Seriously though, clear your cache.  That whole Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio does lend credence to the “your porn history will become public knowledge” thing this week.

    Also this week, there is Aquarius (the water bearer) linked with Mars. (war, conflict).  So some people will be fighting over a water vessel.

     

  • I Fucking Like Ottawa in a Vaguely Pleasant Way: The Horoscope for June 17

    I still havent tried these. Nor Timbits.
    Photographic proof that I was in Canada

    There are two alignments in the skies this week.  The first is quite auspicious:  Earth-Mars-Venus-Luna.  Mars+Venus = the lovers, the Earth places them domestically, and the moon is romance.  So for those of you with a spouse, this should be a good week to rediscover how good home cooking can be.

    Honestly, no worse than any other public art, though I do get a bit of an OMWC vibe from it.
    Ottawa Public Art

    The second alignment is Saturn (retrograde)-Earth-Mercury.  New portents, a boost to creativity, hangovers reduced, and artistic successes.  While this alignment also includes the Earth, it doesn’t have any major relationship to the first alignment.

    What does have a relationship to the first alignment is the fact that half of it (Venus and Luna specifically) are in Leo.  In that context, it just reinforces the domestic bliss aspect and indicates that the more dominant partner will have a particularly good time.  By itself, it indicates that your cat will go into heat if you haven’t had it fixed.  So get the vicious little hate machine fixed already.

    In addition to the horrendously crappy food, more evidence that Ottawa is awful
    Speaking of hate machines…

    The sun remains in Gemini, increasing the likelihood of revelation and discovery.  Speaking of discovery, Ottawa seems like it can be thoroughly explored in a day or three.  In a way, it’s a lot like DC in that goods are of relatively high quality but more expensive than you’d expect.  It is vastly smaller than DC, and much, MUCH whiter.  Like, you know the joke about there being no black people in Canada?  It’s actually true of Ottawa.  On the other hand, it’s vastly superior to DC in the sense that it was built on top of a mountain next to a scenic river as opposed to the middle of a swamp.  When you’re on Capitol Hill, you see– DC.  When you’re on Parliament Hill, you see woods, a river, boats on said river, roses, it’s really very nice.  And the buildings I think are prettier than Federal Neo-Classical, but de gustibus and all of that.

    The only part of the original Parliament complex left, because some librarian had their shit together enough to close the fire doors. Sometimes librarians can preserve beautiful things, not shatter them.
    The Great Sept of Balor

    It’s also pleasant to look over the river at Gatineau, and note that if the Quebecois get uppity, you can just lob some cannonballs down at them and they can’t really much but curse at you in an amusingly silly accent.

    Jupiter (retrograde) in Scorpio. Same Stars, Different Day.  Although, when it comes to misrule, there are some interesting examples in Ottawa.  For example, we stayed in an AirB&B next to the Greek embassy.  Posh neighborhood, right?  …no.  Behold:

    The Syrian embassy at least resembled a residential law office
    If your embassy is located in a student rental unit, you’re not really trying very hard.

    There was a Hyundai Elantra in the drive and a fat crumpy tomcat walked by and sprayed it.

     

    In DC, the various countries at least made an effort with their consular offices.  Here, you could tell that nobody really cared about being there, but some countries were interested in showing off.  The DC-typical Embassy Row is visible from the river, and clustered next to the PM’s official residence/eyebrow storage facility were France, the UK, Indonesia, Some wealthy petrostate which I forget, and then The US, with the biggest, classiest, most abassadorrific embassy in the whole capital.  The Foggy Bottom crowd would give their very best pair of striped pants to be in that embassy, I’ll tell you.

     

    Mercury is in Cancer.  Mercury is the planet of news/tidings/announcements, and Cancer is the sign of secrets, so this could be a problematic week for you if you have something to hide.  Also, call your mother.

    Parliament is visible to the far right over the blue crane.
    Ottawa built a memorial to the Stanley Cup. I don’t know when exactly.  I assume they’ve resigned themselves to the fact that the real thing will never be here again.

    Mars is still in Aquarius.  Mars of course, is the planet of war, and I can’t quite figure out the Canadian military.  When I was in Quebec City, I saw soldiers at the Citadel, and they were in British ceremonial dress:  scarlet tunic, bearskin hat, the whole 8.23 meters.  The fact that they were wearing that uniform while shouting orders in French hurt my brain, but here at their War Memorial/Tomb of the Unknown Soldier combo they are wearing something similar to a US army uniform, not at all similar to a UK service kit:

    also, note how economical the Canadians are. Instead of putting up a new memorial for every war, they just add the dates of each new war to the memorial they already have.
    Note that the only tourist brave enough to approach the guard is an American

    Yeah, June in Canada is pretty fucking gorgeous.

    Saturn retrograde in Capricorn.  In my despair to come up with anything novel to glean from this never-ending astrological feature, it occurs that this might be one of the most self-referential  situations ever.  You’ve got Capricorn, the stubborn, change-resistant sign, and into that you’ve got Saturn (Chronus, Father Time, the Grim Reaper) the sign of endings flipped so that it’s negated — it will never end.  Of course, this is also true because retrograde motion inhibits/reverses the progress of a planet through a sign, keeping it there longer.  Couple that with the fact that Saturn is an outer planet with long orbital lengths, and we wind up with what we’ve got today.

    TL;DR on Ottawa:  all the cost of Montreal, half the charm.  Still a hell of a lot better than Ennis, TX.

  • How Bout a Cold Brew?

    Sorry for the clickbait, but I know what sells around here. Now if you came here today expecting to read about beer and are going to click off because this is about coffee, stay for just a minute. About a month ago, a coworker noted how much coffee I drink, which started a conversation about how little she drinks. “It’s just so bitter.” I explained the virtues of the cold brew method and this past week she told me how it completely changed her view on coffee. Every time she makes a cup she waits for the bitter bite but it never comes and is now drinking more coffee than ever. So stick with me if you think coffee is too bitter as we explore what cold brew coffee is and how you can make it at home.

    So what is cold brew coffee? Is it just another hipster fad to sell expensive coffee to basement dwellers? Well, yes and no. I know hipsters get a lot of flak here, but they have pushed the boundaries of good food and drink. CB coffee does have some chemistry to back up the hype of superior coffee in the cup. Some people are under the impression that CB coffee is just cold coffee. Although you can serve cold brew coffee over ice, you can also serve it hot, in coffee based drinks or use it for cooking. What makes cold brew cold is the brewing process, not the way it is served. Cold brewing extracts coffee at a lower temperature over a longer period of time. The real magic that the CB process brings is lower tannic acid. Tannic acid is responsible for the bitter/burnt flavor some people find off putting in coffee. Cold brewing also extract less caffeine, although it is not “caffeine free”. Less caffeine and less acid mean less stress on the stomach and a smoother, sweeter cup. Interested in trying it yourself? Read on friend.

    To make your very own cold brew at home you will need a cold brew coffee maker, obviously. Now before you say “Florida Man, I just blew my last paycheck on Blue Mountain Jamaican and a conical burr grinder,” take a breath. A decent cold brew system can be had for 15-20 bucks. I don’t know what that is in shekels so OMWC will have to do his own conversion. A cold brew coffee maker consist of a tube filter inside of a pitcher. The process is simple and pretty much fool proof. You’ll want to stick with a coarse grind, because it will give you a cleaner finished product and a fine grind will heat the coffee defeating the whole purpose. If you haven’t bought a conical burr grinder yet, fear not. Most specialty coffee shops and grocery stores will grind your whole been coffee to order. I would also suggest looking for a medium roast bean if you are trying to avoid that burnt taste. If you want even lower caffeine content, select a dark roast. Now that you have your coarse ground beans, simply fill the filter with ground coffee and fill the pitcher with filtered water. Some people use room temperature water and leave it to brew on the counter for 24-48 hours. I use cold water and let it brew in the fridge for 48 hours. Try it both ways and see what works for you. After the 24-48 hours you remove the center filter and now have a concentrated smooth, low acid coffee. “Now what, Florida Man?” Glad you asked.

    If you want a regular cup of Joe, just add hot water to your cold coffee concentrate. I fill half my mug with CBC and top it off with hot water. Add cream and sugar to taste. If you enjoy cold drinks, pour over ice, add cold water or cream and sugar to taste. I don’t make specialty coffee drinks, but if you do, just remember that this coffee is concentrated and make adjustments accordingly. Feel free to post recipes in the comments for drinks, desserts or even cooking with coffee. So on to the pros and cons of this system.

    Pro:
    Taste: Smooth, sweet coffee
    Reduced Acid: for those with sensitive tummies (lower caffeine)
    Convenient: you don’t have to baby sit this while it brews.
    Cost: The system is cheap.
    Clean up: Carafe does double duty, less to wash

    Con:
    Taste: Hey wait! Yes I put it in both pro & con. Some people like bitter (see IPA drinkers)
    Inefficient: The coffee to water ratio is higher than hot brew systems.
    Time: You can’t make a quick cold brew. You need to plan 24 hours in advance.
    Flexibility: This could be a pro. There are less variable with cold brew. You can adjust grind and steep time, but that is about it.

    Because of the warm response I received for my last article, I have invested my hard earned dollars in not one, but seven brew methods. I’ll write up a “how to” for the others with my famous pro/con opinions. Then, for a grand finale, I plan to do a blind taste test and crown a winner for best brew method. If you have any questions let me know in the comment section.

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for the Week of June 10

    Between the skies not being terribly helpful, work being more nuts than usual (how can a chiller that works perfectly completely seize up because I moved it 600 yards into a different room?), me planning on heading north of the wall to meet up with a red-haired French teacher in about three hours, this look into the astral influences is going to be sparse.  Or, perhaps you can think of it as me giving you more room to experience your own personal relationship with the stars without having to worry about “rules” or “interpretations” that would impinge on your freedom.  Let’s go with that one.

    Which could happen. You know that line between "roguish teasing" and "You're sleeping on the couch tonight?" I have trouble with that.
    If I have time for stargazing this weekend, something has gone terribly wrong.

    Only one alignment to discuss:  Sol-Mars-Saturn (retrograde), Venus in opposition.  One meaning of that is a woman will be murdered in a particularly horrific fashion.  I really don’t like that one*, so hunting for alternates gives us “fight breaks out at peace talks,” or “some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”  Expect Angela Merkel to fuck something up.  Possibly Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

    As to the whole planet-in-constellation list…

    Venus is transiting out of Cancer, lessening the overall feminine influences.

    Aquarius should expect a visit from… red? Woman? Scarlet woman? Something like that anyway.  Also, commies will gather by a large body of water.

    Saturn retrograde will not get the fuck out of Capricorn!  There are just so many goat jokes that a non-Welshman can make!

    This week will be good for thinking and intellectual work with Mercury sharing the Sun in Gemini.  The Venus/Cancer connection earlier will extend this to psychotherapy for all you madglibs out there.

    And of course, Jupiter retrograde keeps up governmental misrule, abuse, and general fuckings-over.  Speaking of general fuckings-over, here’s what you get when you get when you ask for recommendations for fun things to do in Ottawa (not intended to disparage any glibs advice, this came from a coworker):

    *It’s a question famously raised (but not answered) by the Dune books: does the prophet see the future, or create it?

  • Spontaneous Cooking for…Two! Date Night Dinner

    So far, I have mostly talked about cooking for one without recipes. I think everyone should have a more involved dinner they can make for date night. But, even a date night dinner doesn’t need a recipe.

    Let’s think about what a good date night dinner should be. First, I think it should be something special, something that shows you like your date and want to impress them. By this I mean that it should be a little unexpected and, although it is something that takes more work than normal, it should look effortless. Second, you want to spend time with your date, not cooking. That means it should be something that allows you to do the work ahead of time. I’m going to show you how to make a chicken kiev type dish.

    It is much easier than it sounds, it looks impressive and you can do almost all the work and clean up before your guest arrives. A chicken kiev type dish is a pounded chicken breast wrapped around a filling, usually a flavored butter, and then breaded.

    First, make the filling. Traditional chicken kiev is filled with butter, garlic and parsley. Chicken cordon bleu uses ham and cheese. You could do sauteed onions and mushrooms. This is yet another canvas for experimentation; you are limited only by your imagination. I’m going to make a pesto type filling.

    Pesto is basil, garlic, pine nuts, parmesan, salt and olive oil. When I make pesto, I usually make a lot and freeze some. I put basil, chopped garlic, salt, toasted pine nuts, and parmesan in my food processor (a blender works too) and pulse it until it becomes a paste. At this point, I would normally add olive oil, but today I am going to scoop some out and mix it into softened butter.

    Pesto Butter Prep
    Pesto Butter Prep

     

    Then, I put down some plastic wrap and spread the pesto butter on it, roll it up and put it in the freezer.

    Pesto Butter Prep 2
    Pesto Butter Prep 2

     

    I am making a lot of the butter because I will use it in other recipes later.

    Final Pesto Butter Prep - Ready to Freeze
    Final Pesto Butter Prep – Ready to Freeze

    You could do just enough for this dinner.

    Minimal Butter Prep
    Minimal Butter Prep

     

    Basically, this is a compound butter. You can do this with all kinds of herbs. A pat of butter mixed with red wine and herbs is sometimes used as a topping for steak. I put the butter mix in the freezer because we need it to be frozen when we cook the chicken. That helps prevent it running out of the breast, making a mess, and leaving dry chicken behind.

    Next, pound out the chicken breasts. I put two small chicken breasts between sheets of plastic wrap and pound them thin.

    Small Chicken Breasts
    Small Chicken Breasts

     

    I have a meat mallet, but you could also use a small frying pan or sauce pan or even a rolling pin.

    Alternate Pounding Tools
    Alternate Pounding Tools

     

    You want to make the chicken thin with a uniform thickness.

    Pounded Chicken Breasts
    Pounded Chicken Breasts

     

    Get the frozen butter from the freezer, unwrap, and cut a piece for each breast. Then roll the chicken around it and secure with toothpicks. Use plenty of toothpicks – you don’t want to leave it loose and have all your filling disappear when it cooks. Don’t stick the toothpicks through the filling. That just creates holes for the filling to leak out of. At least one or two toothpicks should be pushed through as if it were a pin in a piece of cloth – or, as if you were making a stitch.

    Now we are ready to bread it.

    Wrapped Breasts and Breading Prep
    Wrapped Breasts and Breading Prep

    I add salt and pepper to each pan and paprika to the bread crumbs. I roll the breast in flour and shake off the excess. Dip it in a beaten egg, shake off the excess, then roll it in bread crumbs. I used panko, but you could use corn flakes, regular bread crumbs, cracker crumbs, dried potatoes, whatever. This will get messy, which is why I don’t have pictures of this process or wrapping the breasts. I didn’t want to get my phone all icky. When each one is done, I put it in a pan prepared with cooking spray.

    Breaded
    Breaded

    The breasts should rest to let the coating set. No matter what cooking method you choose – deep fried, pan fried, or baked – you need to let the breaded food rest for a while. Otherwise the breading will fall off. Maybe everyone else knew this, but when I learned this, it made a huge difference in my results.

    The breasts should bake at 375F for 30-40 minutes. I usually turn them about half way through. When done, the breading should be brown and crispy.

    Finished
    Finished

    As always, use a meat thermometer. Make sure you stick it into meat (the ends) and not the filling. Food poisoning isn’t sexy. I chose to bake this because I am making it for a date night. You could deep fry or pan fry it instead, but that would require you to monitor it while it is cooking, taking time away from your date.

    You can do everything but bake the breasts a few hours ahead of your date, leaving you time to clean up the kitchen. It won’t hurt the breasts to spend time in the refrigerator. You could have the oven heated and put the breasts in when your date arrives, leaving time for a glass of wine.

    A dinner needs a side dish. You could serve a pretty salad or boiled potatoes. It is a date night, so keep it light. I am making roasted cauliflower because I can bake it in the same pan as the breasts. Then I only have one messy dish. I just chopped it into florets, tossed them with olive oil, salt, and pepper and put it in the same pan as the chicken. The side dish you choose should pair well with the filling. In the final picture, you can see the filling, which can be used to help season the cauliflower.

    Finished and Sliced
    Finished and Sliced

    Fancy!

    A date night dinner needs one more thing, a dessert. I’ll talk about that another time.