What’s the best piece(s) of advice you’ve ever received?
I’ll start. I have four, which, when taken together, pretty much sum up my entire approach to life.
2. Keep it in perspective; this too shall pass. (This is the one I have trouble with.)
3. The graveyard is full of indispensable people. (Used by my paternal grandmother whenever we were getting “high and mighty.”)
4. You never know what someone is going through. Be kind.
Your turn.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING RECENTLY DISPATCHED “DEAR PRUDENCE” ONCE AGAIN, ZARDOZ NOTES THAT “DEAR ABBY” HAS PERSISTED IN HER ERRONEOUS WAYS. AS SHE REMAINS IN NEED OF CORRECTION, ZARDOZ WILL PROVIDE THE BETTER ADVICE FOR HIS CHOSEN ONES.
Q: Dear Abby: I play cards with a group of men I have known for more than 20 years. We switch partners after six hands so everyone partners with everyone.
One member of the group has now become unable to remember the rules and constantly asks how he should respond to his partner’s bid. He also keeps asking the score and whose deal it is. Because we give small prizes for the high score, I think it’s cheating to discuss a hand across the table.
What should we do when he asks the rules or how to bid a hand? I think we should play as we always have, and not discuss the hand or how to bid. Should I find another group to play with, and how can I explain my reason for quitting the group? — PLAYER IN THE SOUTH
A: IT IS CLEAR YOUR FELLOW CARD PLAYING BRUTAL RAN AFOUL OF THE ETERNALS AND WAS PREMATURELY AGED INTO DOTAGE.
YOU MUST CEASE TO PLAY CARDS OR GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. ABANDON HIM TO WANDER THE STREETS OF THE VORTEX, WITH THE OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN PUNISHED THUS. AS FAR AS A NEW PARTNER, ZARDOZ WOULD BE PLEASED TO SIT IN A FEW HANDS. AS LONG AS ONE OF YOU CAN MANIPULATE THE CARDS FOR ZARDOZ…SINCE, WELL, YOU KNOW. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: Dear Abby: One of my nephews is turning 24 soon. I am reluctant to get him a birthday gift because he’s lazy and disrespectful and makes up excuse after excuse for not working. On top of that, he has a 1-year-old daughter and managed to get his family evicted because he felt the mother should do everything — and I mean EVERYthing.
He’s on his cellphone all day texting other women or posting Facebook nonsense. The mother of his child finally woke up and left him, so now he has moved in with his mother.
We’re pretty sure he won’t be living with her long before he’s kicked out. We have all tried to help and support him, but we are tired and no longer want to be bothered.
Must I give him a birthday gift? Or should I use the excuse he gives everyone else: “Oh, I ordered your gift online and they must not have shipped it yet.” — TIRED OF THIS MESS
A: WEAKLING BRUTAL! THE ONLY GIFT YOUR WORTHLESS “NEPHEW” SHOULD RECEIVE, IS THE GIFT OF THE GUN – AIMED AT HIM!
AS FOR HIS SHIFTLESS WAYS, DO NOT WORRY. ZARDOZ HAS A “JOB” FOR HIM…AND IT IS NOT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: Dear Abby: Many years ago, in a “Farmer’s Almanac,” I read a saying so profound and succinct, I have never forgotten it. I thought one day I should send it to you. Well, with everything that’s been happening in Hollywood and beyond, this is the time.
It goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know about it, don’t DO it!” — FAITHFUL READER IN CARMEL, N.Y.
A: BRUTAL NONSENSE! THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO MAKE SURE NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT SOMETHING; 1) DO NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH THEM, 2) CLEANSE ANYONE WHO KNOWS.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE TABERNACLE HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT “DEAR PRUDENCE” HAS CONTINUED TO DISPENSE ADVICE – NO MATTER HOW WRONG ZARDOZ HAS SHOWN HER TO BE. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ MUST ONCE AGAIN PROVIDE SUPERIOR ADVICE – AND SHOW THE BRUTAL “PRUDENCE” THE ERROR OF HER WAYS.
Q: Conspiracy theories: My cousin recently set me up on a date with a really great guy that she knew from work. At first, I was hesitant to go on a date with him as he is 43 and I am 27, however I decided to give him a chance and I was really glad I did. He’s smart, funny, and easy to hang out with. I am also very attracted to him physically. The only bad thing, so far, is that during a text conversation, he alluded to believing that 9/11 was an inside job. At first I thought he was joking, but further questions revealed that he was not. We discussed it in person the next time we met up, and he was joking about it with me but didn’t change his stance. Is this a deal breaker? I felt bad afterward because I was basically making fun of him to his face not realizing he actually believed what he was saying.
A: DEAL BREAKER? FOOLISH BRUTAL! PARANOIA IS A REQUIREMENT FOR BRUTAL ENFORCERS. YOU MUST GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. REVEL IN THE FEAR AND DISTRUST. YOUR ONLY REQUIREMENT IS TO CONTINUE TO HEED THE WORD OF ZARDOZ – WATCH THE “ATTRACTED TO HIM PHYSICALLY” STUFF. REMEMBER, THE PENIS IS EVIL! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: Holiday hosting etiquette: Each year, my wife’s niece hosts a Christmas dinner for the entire, relatively large, family. Most years this is in the neighborhood of 40 people. Her mother-in-law is from another country, and they do a dinner theme around the mother-in-law’s native cuisine. The dinner and food are always very enjoyable, and we are sure to express our gratitude openly and often. This year, we received a text stating that we were required to bring $5 per person to cover the costs of the dinner. On one hand, I enjoy the meal, and I enjoy the family time, so I have no issue paying. The $40 it’s going to cost my family is not going to break the bank. On the other hand, this, to me, is rather rude. If you do not wish to host, then don’t. If you don’t wish to host so many, then don’t invite everyone. What is the etiquette of this situation? My wife’s first reaction was simply to say that we wouldn’t be going. I am not so sure how to react.
A: MISERABLE BRUTAL – LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. THE PLAGUE OF MEN YOUR WIFE’S NIECE FEEDS CUTS INTO THE GRAIN AVAILABLE FOR THE VORTEX! THE FILTH OF BRUTALS IS TO BE CLEANSED, NOT WINED AND DINED! NOT ONLY SHOULD YOU NOT PAY, YOU SHOULD DIRECT THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS TO THIS PARTY, NEXT YEAR, SO THAT THE BRUTALS ATTENDING CAN BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO SERVICE IN THE GRAIN FIELDS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: My mother is trying to turn my wedding into her second wedding: I am getting married next spring, and my fiancé and I are very excited to move to the next phase of our relationship. Wedding planning has been surprisingly easy, save for my mother. My mother has an opinion on everything in that she wants everything to involve her. She wants to pick out music for her to be seated to. She wants my fiancé to walk her down the aisle to her seat. She wants to wear a white dress to the ceremony! What do I do here? My fiancé and I are paying for most of the wedding on our own, but my mother made a sizable donation to our wedding fund, which she claimed was “no strings attached,” but clearly there are many strings attached. My fiancé has suggested that we give her back her money, but we can’t afford the wedding without it. Please help!
A: BRUTAL, YOUR MOTHER SHOULD BE CLEANSED, NOT GIVEN HER MONEY BACK. WEDDINGS ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE IN THE VORTEX, AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!
FOR HER ATTEMPTS TO MEDDLE WITH THE SOCIAL ORDER OF THE ETERNALS, SHE WILL BE HANDED OVER TO THE BRUTAL ENFORCERS…
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.