ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ DID NOT LIFT THE CHOSEN ONES FROM BRUTALITY, ONLY TO HAVE A BRUTAL ADVICE COLUMNIST TURN THEM SOFT. NO! YOU ARE STRONG, THAT YOU MAY SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO POISON THE INTERNET WITH A PLAGUE OF DERP. THEREFOR, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE, MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OF THE BRUTAL “MISS MANNERS”:
Q.In today’s “sharing” economy, there seems to be a level of expected niceties. I frequently find myself in a car on the way to an airport, wondering how to escape a lengthy, forced discussion. I imagine that the driver is also tired of the same conversations and would enjoy a chance for a moment or two of silence.At times, I am working. At other times, I am communicating with whoever will be expecting me at my destination, or am coordinating my ID, boarding pass, etc.Earlier this week, I found myself forced to explain the medical details of why we were heading to a health care facility! Is there any polite way to avoid the awkward and unnecessary conversations that come with the conveniences of today’s economy?
A. WEAK AND FOOLISH BRUTAL! IF YOU WISH THE BRUTAL PROVIDING YOU TRANSPORT NOT TO SPEAK TO YOU – HAND THEM THIS:
AVAILABLE AT FINER GIFT SHOPS
THUS THEY SHALL KNOW YOU ARE A SERVANT OF ZARDOZ. IF THIS DOES NOT QUIET THEM (VIA MIND-NUMBING FEAR) THEN CALL THE VORTEX FOR ASSISTANCE. WE CAN HAVE SOMEONE WAITING TO SUPPLY A “BAD RATING” AT THE END OF YOUR DRIVE.
YOU RECEIVE ZERO STARS!
YOU SECOND FAILING WAS NOT TAKING THE PROPER RIDE-SHARE SERVICE TO BEGIN WITH. CORRECT YOUR ERRONEOUS WAY – USE ZEDCART!
APPROVED TRAVEL MEANS
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q. I have been in my line of business for about 10 years, and am increasingly dealing with higher-level management clients at large companies. Clients can be more or less agreeable, but there have been only two instances in my career that a client has crossed a line firmly into the unprofessional, becoming verbally abusive or shouting at my team and me.
Both times, I was so surprised that I did not know what to do, so I just stared at the client in great surprise, waited a beat, and then kept talking about the business issue. One time, the client apologized afterward; the other time, the client issued a half-apology.
I do not anticipate many such situations in the future, but does Miss Manners have a better way of responding to situations such as this? In retrospect, I wish I had told the client something that indicated I would not tolerate this behavior. I do not mind losing business if that is the outcome — my team (often young women) and I deserve professional treatment at all times. I could try practicing proper responses, just in case.
A. ZARDOZ DOES NOT THINK MISS MANNERS HAS THE ANSWER – BUT ZARDOZ DOES. HAVE YOUR TEAM RESPOND WITH BOTH THE GIFT OF THE GUN, AND THEIR MENTAL POWERS:
SHOUT THIS, BRUTAL CLIENT!
WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO A GIBBERING, FEAR SOAKED HEAP ON YOUR CONFERENCE ROOM FLOOR – THEN INFORM THEM THEY JUST GOT SLAPPED WITH A PRICE INCREASE.
HOW MUCH MORE AN HOUR?!
IF YOU TRULY DO NOT MIND LOSING THE BUSINESS – CALL THE VORTEX. WE CAN SEND SOMEONE OVER TO FIND THEM AN ALTERNATIVE…
Don Winslow – The Force. Is the story of a cop who thought himself good and spent his entire career methodically crossing line after line until he was really a villain. Maybe. Winslow seems unsure if this is going to be elegy or indictment and I found the damn thing an infuriating listen. There’s some unironic patter about his first duty is to get home to his family. Seriously.
James S. A. Corey – Leviathan Wakes (The Expanse Book 1). It was fun dipping my toe back in hard sci-fi. I wish I’d read this before watching the first season of the show as the show was a fairly faithful retelling of the book with some alterations so that you saw more of Earth’s politics from the beginning, primarily from the view point of Chrisjen Avasarala (Shoreh Aghdashloo), who does not appear in the first book. It cannot be stated enough that I would listen to Shohreh Aghdashloo read an intro to chemistry text book for all eternity and be content.
Richard Phillips – Mark of Fire (The Endarian Prophecy Book 1). Fantasy, a little on the generic side, but well paced. The magical system was a fun departure from most of what I’ve read, and while not exactly unique, it was well fleshed out. The second book just came out in January and the third on 02/20, so I may just continue on with the series.
SP
I’ve been driving around the country helping elderly relatives with various health stuff this month. (Pro tip: Don’t be the oldest-female-child-and-only-child-with-medical-training in a huge family.)
But, hey, I don’t mind driving. And I love my elderly relatives. Interstates, however, get on my nerves. Yes, I’d prefer to take the “blue highways” but time hasn’t allowed.
What to do? Listen to an audiobook, of course!
On this last drive, I started listening to the somewhat lengthy Shooting Victoria. The length – 19 hrs and 54 mins – would normally be off-putting for me, but when one has endless, mind-numbingly-boring hours to fill…feature, not bug.
Shooting Victoria tells the stories of the eight(!) failed attempts to assasinate Great Britain’s Queen Victoria over the course of the 19th century. Although perhaps a bit dry for some, it’s quite interesting to me from a social history standpoint. I’m only 8 hours in or so and we’ve already had much discussion of Bedlam, Chartism, the state of the judiciary, the plight of the Spitalfields silk weavers, and the Irish Potato Famine. Also fascinating-yet-not-surprising are the machinations of the political figures and those within the Queen’s household.
I am enjoying the book and will likely finish it on my next driving trip. Webdominatrix and I are headed to Florida soon to check in on OMWC’s elderly relative, with stops to visit Brett & his family and SugarFree & his bourbon (not a euphemism) along the way. Nothing good can come from this. No, there will not be pics.
Old Man With Candy
For sheer thrills and excitement, there’s nothing to match C.D. Motchenbacher, and I managed to score a copy of an older edition of Low Noise Electronic Design, sent to me as a gift from one of my favorite technical authors. It may be old, but so am I, and the basic physics that are discussed are still valid. It’s comprehensive and readable, everything a technical book should be.
For fun, I realized that it had been years since I picked up my copy of The Annotated Alice, the Lewis Carroll classics thoroughly annotated in a witty and scholarly style by the late polymath Martin Gardner. The fact that the author may well have been a closeted pedophile wasn’t the main attraction, I swear. I’m not a poetry kinda guy, but The Walrus and the Carpenter and Jabberwocky still speak to me in a way nothing else has, other than the works of Don Marquis. As someone whose professional career has been tied to molecular physics, I am particularly delighted by the insights of Through the Looking Glass and Gardner’s commentary. Everyone should own this.
Riven
All of my reading time since last month has still been dedicated to this sole book. The good news is that I should be testing on it in a few weeks. The bad news is that, until then, it’s going to be the only book I’m reading and I will continue to be scarce.
Brett L
I read The Shadow of What was Lost by James Islington, which Amazon’s AI has been pushing on me for a long time and reviewers compare to Robert Jordan. I like Mr.Islington’s writing, but the plot is very reminiscent of Jordan, which is to say that there probably is one but I can’t discern it. The plot of the book — two young men who are destined to be magic users are set on a quest. Along the way they meet a 3rd young man who may be a mass murder as well as a wizard who is probably a mass murderer, but the men he killed were probably going to kill one of the original two young men. These 4 men meet a princess who turns out to be the 2nd young man’s cousin. Eventually an army is defeated, much wrong is righted, the young mass murderer turns out to be The Highlander — an immortal with a super-sword who has killed more people than dysentery.
Oh, and a shit-ton of Microsoft Azure and DevOps training. DevOps sounds cool if I ever work on a team of more than 1 or have clients who actually can be arsed to test what I write.
SugarFree
I have read so much. So bigly of the reading. Yuge reading.
Read The Iron Druid series. I liked it quite a bit, unlike some [cough]Brett L[cough]jesse[cough]. Basically Dresden Files Lite crossed with American Gods. Druids and shit. A talking dog. Hot redhead bartenders. The ultimate in “don’t stick it in crazy Death Goddess” sex. Will say… I thought the series was finished or I would have avoided it until it was. Between Planetary and GRRM, I have literary battered wife syndrome: I never want to get into that sort of abusive situation again. The final book of the series is supposed to be out in April. I’ll believe when I see it and not before, mofo.
I have this urge to read the book before I see the movie, and over the years I have built up a large backlog of movies I’ve been waiting to see. My project for the next few months is to finally do something about it. So far I’ve read/watched The Other by Tom Tryon, The Fury by John Farris, The Stepford Wives by Ira Levin and I’m working on reading The Devil Rides Out by Dennis Wheatley.
The Other was a bit of a bust since the movie hews so closely to the novel. Kind of pointless if you’ve read the novel. But the novel was very good. The whole thing goes down like a fever dream.
De Palma’s film of The Fury is better than the book, honestly. The novel introduces better characterization and motives but is so disjointed it feels like maybe the copy you are reading had some chapters torn out at random. Time shifts back and forth, plot threads weave and unweave at random, and whole character arcs will have the important middle bit excited. Also, filming the novel as written would have had De Palma up on child porn charges.
I had already seen The Stepford Wives a couple of times, so it was a bit of cheat. In this case, both the novel and the film are worth it. The plot doesn’t make much sense–if you can make realistic sexbots, just sell the sexbots, make a ton of cash and buy young hot wives; lather, rinse and repeat every ten years or so President Donald style. But the feminist paranoia of the piece is so palpable and so–for the lack of a better term–hysterical, it creates excellent tension. And I’m pretty sure there’s not a single scene of Katherine Ross or Paula Prentiss wearing a bra for the first 3/5ths of the movie. It was the 70s, man. Can you dig it?
And that font. I’m not a font nerd or anything, but could that font be more 70s?
JW
So I was reading the milk carton at breakfast, and discovered something interesting. Besides it providing me with the minimum daily adult requirement of Vitamin D, it turns out that Mary Margaret Cameron, age 9, is missing. She was last seen on October 13, 2007 in the company of her noncustodial father, and they had a cool picture of what she looked like with age progression. She’s developed well, and I’m sure he’s a proud daddy.
Disclaimer: Contributions not necessarily actually by the author whose name appears above them.
Web Dominatrix
I have had a slow reading month. I too have been enjoying Shooting Victoria at SP’s recommendation. I am currently reading Salt: A World History and I find this far more fascinating than I expected. It is, as you might have guessed, the tale of how salt has shaped civilisation.
I am also reading/listening to (Thanks, Amazon, for allowing me to switch between Kindle and Audible!) Uncertainty about Heisenberg’s principle.
STEVE SMITH GET CALL FROM FRIEND ZARDOZ. IT SEEM HIM WANT HELP WITH, OR ADVICE ON SKUNK APE. BIG STONE HEAD IN LUCK. SKUNKY IS OLD COLLEGE ROOMIE! WE SHARE DORM AT CRYPTID U, FRESHBEAST YEAR. LATER ON WE SPLIT APARTMENT WITH JERSEY DEVIL. THOSE WERE DAYS. STUDY, RAPE, DRINK, RAPE, CRAM FOR EXAMS. BY CRAM FOR EXAMS, ALSO MEAN RAPE.
SKUNKY HAS THING FOR DEER. HIM ONLY STOP RAPE FOR DEER SACRIFICE. AND, MAYBE, TO GET BEERS WITH CHUPACABRA. WORD OF ADVICE – NO PLAY BEER PONG WITH CHUPACABRA. HIM CHAMP OF ALL TIME. STEVE SMITH FIND OUT HARD WAY. WAKE UP WITH SHARPIE DRAWINGS ALL OVER SELF AND HEADACHE.
SO STEVE SMITH WILL HELP. HIM TALK TO UNCLE MAPINGUARI, HAVE SKUNKY GO VISIT HIM FOR CARNIVAL! THIS ONLY WORK ONCE, SO WHO ZARDOZ HELP, BETTER NOT CROSS SKUNK APE AGAIN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE ADVANCED SYSTEMS THAT ARTHUR FRAYN INSTALLED HAVE ALLOWED ZARDOZ TO PREEMPT A REQUEST FOR ADVICE TO “DEAR PRUDENCE”. ZARDOZ WILL NOT EVEN ALLOW THE BRUTAL “PRUDENCE” TO ANSWER! INSTEAD, HEAR THE ADVICE OF ZARDOZ!
Q: Dear Prudence, I am afraid that the Skunk Ape will come and rape me. I tried to give the traditional offering, but was unable to do so. Can you please tell me how to keep my rectum in some sort of shape other than “gang raped to death”. I have plenty of brutals and plenty of guns.
Sincerely,
Florida Man
A: ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN “FLORIDA MAN” ONE. NORMALLY ZARDOZ WOULD SAY THE BRUTALS AND GUNS SHOULD BE ENOUGH, HOWEVER, OVER THE PAST YEAR, ZARDOZ BECAME FRIENDSWITH STEVE SMITH:
SO ZARDOZ COMPREHENDS OF WHAT YOU SPEAK. ZARDOZ WILL CONSULT WITH FRIEND STEVE SMITH TO SEE IF YOU CAN RECEIVE HIS ASSISTANCE WITH THE SKUNK APE.
…
SHOULD THAT FAIL, ZARDOZ WOULD RECOMMEND SHOVING AS MANY OF YOUR BRUTALS TOWARD THE SKUNK APE AS POSSIBLE, AND FLEEING IN THE FASTEST FAN-BOAT YOU CAN GET. IF THAT DOES NOT WORK OUT – KEEP THIS LINK HANDY.
STEVE SMITH SEE FRIEND ZARDOZ GIVE ADVICE. HIM VERY SMART FOR FLYING GIANT STONE HEAD. SO STEVE SMITH DECIDE HE WANT TO TRY! SO STEVE SMITH THINK, WHAT HE GOOD AT? RAPE, LIVING IN WOODS, RAPE, REMAINING HIDDEN, RAPE AND … MANNERS! GOT TO PRACTICE FANCY MANNERS WHEN WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AS STEPHEN SMYTHE. SO STEVE SMITH TRY HAND, GIVE BETTER ADVICE THAN MS. MANNERS.
MANNERS MAKE THE RAPESQUATCH
FIRST QUESTION: Several years ago, our guests stopped sending us thank-you notes. They stay at our weekend house for days on end, being wined, dined and pampered, and then we receive an email: ”It was so lovely. Thanks.” Now it appears they no longer call or send birthday cards. On my birthday, I receive “e-cards” and am told where to go on the net to see them. Should I feel content with this? At least they remembered my birthday (although doubtless because a programmed reminder popped up on their e-calendars).
STEVE SMITH SAY: STEVE SMITH SAY DISCONTENT NATURAL FEELING. IT NOT TOO MUCH EFFORT TO WRITE FEW LINES. WHEN STEVE SMITH STAY WITH FRIENDS (NESSIE, WENDIGO, UNCLE MAPINGUARY AND OTHERS) HIM ALWAYS SEND NICE NOTE. JUST TEAR LARGE HUNK OF BIRCH BARK OFF TREE, USE SQUIRREL AS PEN AND WRITE SINCERE THINGS. ALSO MAKE SURE SEND BIRTHDAY PRESENT – WRAP RACCOON IN LEAVES AND PINE NEEDLES. THAT ONE GO FEDEX…USPS NO TOUCH THAT. QUICK EASY GIFT – OWL AND OTHER BIRD SKULLS.
IF WANT TEACH MANNERS TO THOUGHTLESS GUEST – YOU HAVE STEVE SMITH GO BY WEEKEND HOME. HIM EXPLAIN PROPER EXPRESSIONS OF GRATITUDE FOR HOSPITALITY. STEVE SMITH MAKE SURE HIM HAMMER HOME POINT. BY HAMMER HOME POINT, MEAN RAPE SO HARD THEY NOT SIT FOR MONTH.
SECOND QUESTION: My parents, who own a large empty nest, offered to provide free room and board to a cousin while he was a student. After a couple of years, my mother was tired of having the cousin living with them, although my father rather enjoyed his company.
Eventually, my mother had harsh words for the cousin, who abruptly moved out, with angry feelings on both sides. Now my mother is angry that after cooking for the cousin and making him part of their lives, she not only has not pleased his family, but they openly dislike her.
The cousin’s family told me that my parents expected him to help maintain the large empty nest; their version is that my parents exploited him by expecting him to do chores. (When my siblings and I lived at home, we did a lot of chores, and I’m sure my parents thought the cousin would do the same when living there.) I don’t know who is right or who is wrong, but I do know everyone is mad.
STEVE SMITH SAY: FOR ROOM, BOARD…FEW CHORES NOT TOO MUCH ASK. WHEN FRIEND ZARDOZ STAY WITH STEVE SMITH, WHILE DRY OUT, HIM GIVE GIFT OF GUN, AND GRAIN. ALSO USE GRAVITRONIC DRIVE TO DRY LEAVES FOR CAVE FLOOR. HIM BEST CAVE ROOMIE EVER. SO STEVE SMITH HAVE GOOD EXAMPLE DRAW FROM.
FOR ANGRY COUSIN, TRY POINT OUT HOW MUCH ROOM, BOARD COST AND HOW BAD STUDENT LOAN GET IN FEW YEARS. ASK, HIM NO DO CHORES AT HOME? IF TOO LAZY AND NO HELP…MOM AND DAD BETTER OFF HE GONE. STEVE SMITH GO TELL ALL THIS TO COUSIN’S FAMILY IF WANT. THEN DEMONSTRATE DOING CHORES AROUND HOUSE. BY DOING CHORES, MEAN RAPE ENTIRE FAMILY. AROUND HOUSE.
STEVE SMITH HOPE FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN PEOPLE FIND STEVE SMITH ADVICE USEFUL.
TEMPORARILY ESCAPED ZARDOZ’S WRATH.RETURNS TO ADVISE THE CHOSEN ONES!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE BRUTAL WEBSITE “SLATE” HAS VEXED ZARDOZ. THEY INSIST ON GIVING ADVICE THAT CAN LEAD YOU ASTRAY! ZARDOZ RETURNS TO INSTRUCT THE CHOSEN ONES, AND NAIVE BRUTALS TOO. RECEIVE THEN, THE GIFT OF ADVICE!
Q. Custody: I am a single mom, with one daughter, dating a man with two sons. We were on the road to getting married, but that has reached a screeching halt.
My boyfriend’s 14-year-old son is a Nazi. He is addicted to alt-right sites and uses white nationalist rhetoric. Worse, he has acted aggressively toward my daughter and me (my mother was Persian and my ex is South Asian). He was encouraged by his mother until he was suspended from school for stalking and threatening a girl.
Now my boyfriend is trying to get full physical custody of his son to “save” him. I don’t think it is possible, at least short of sending him to a boarding school. (His older son is at college and is a sweetheart.) My boyfriend works long hours, and a few hours of family therapy is not going to cut it with this kid.
My boyfriend tells me I am the love of his life and to trust him, but I am afraid. I don’t want to lose him, but I am not putting my daughter anywhere around this. Can you see any way through this?
A. OF COURSE ZARDOZ CAN SEE A WAY THROUGH THIS! DID NOT ZARDOZ RAISE THE CHOSEN ONES FROM BRUTALITY? DID NOT ZARDOZ GIVE THE GIFT OF THE GUN? BRUTAL, PLEASE.
THERE IS NO NEED OF SAVING OR THERAPY…YOU WERE PARTLY CORRECT WHEN MENTIONING “BOARDING SCHOOL”. A NEW SCHOOL IS IN ORDER. THE YOUNG BRUTAL MUST HAVE HIS AGGRESSION CHANNELED PROPERLY. PETTY STALKING AND THREATENING IS NOT ENOUGH! ZARDOZ WILL TAKE THE YOUNG BRUTAL, INTO THE CARE OF HIS CHOSEN ONES.
“TEACHERS” AND “MENTORS”
THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS CAN SERVE AS HIS “EDUCATORS”. HE WILL BE TAUGHT THE FINE ART OF CLEANSING THE WORLD OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS, WHO ARE LEGION. ANY “NAZI” NONSENSE WILL BE BEATEN OUT OF HIM – FOR THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR SERVICE TO ZARDOZ AND THE VORTEX!
INSTRUCTOR IN SERVING THE VORTEX.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q. Socializing with dementia: My cognitive functioning (memory, language, comprehension) has been declining faster than average for my age (68). Recently, after a thorough work-up by a neurologist specializing in dementia, I was told that I have progressive dementia (probably not Alzheimer’s).
My problem is that I’ve become what I call “socially vulnerable.” At least, that’s how I feel. It’s hard to remember important things about people—not just their names, but the fact that their spouse is dead, for example. I begin to talk about something I’ve read or heard, then my mind goes blank. I say odd things because I don’t put two and two together, or fail to comprehend in the first place.
My close friends know about my condition. I feel that they are distancing in a subtle way. Acquaintances look at me quizzically and exit the conversation. I know about suggestions made by various Alzheimer’s associations regarding memory aides. I’m still living independently and am able to take care of my finances. But I feel awkward and at risk whenever I open my mouth. I find myself avoiding social situations, which isn’t good for the depression I’ve had off and on most of my adult life. Do you have any suggestions on how to help myself with this?
A. ZARDOZ HAS PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE WITH THIS – WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN AGED AS PUNISHMENT, BY THE ETERNALS, YOU WILL HAVE THE SYMPTOMS YOU DESCRIBE. OBVIOUSLY YOU DID SOMETHING AGAINST THE SOCIAL CONTRACT OF THE VORTEX COMMUNITY. REMEMBER, IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO CRUSH AN IMMORTAL INTO A DODDERING OLDSTER!
GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED.
YOU MUST STOP TRYING TO GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS. INSTEAD, YOU MUST FIND OTHERS OF THE DEMENTED AND BAND TOGETHER. YOUR NEW TASK WILL BE TO MARCH AROUND THE VORTEX AND HOLD ABSURD CEREMONIES.
IF YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SHAKY, DO NOT CARRY A TORCH.
YOU WILL REMAIN AS A WARNING TO OTHERS TO NOT OFFEND THE ETERNALS! EVENTUALLY YOUR USEFULNESS WILL WANE, AND YOU WILL DISCARDED.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING CLEANSED “DEAR ABBY” AND “DEAR PRUDENCE” AS WELL AS “DEAR DEIDRE”….ZARDOZ FACES ANOTHER BRUTAL ADVICE COLUMN – “CARE AND FEEDING“. THE RESULTS ARE THE TOTALLY PREDICTABLE VICTORY FOR ZARDOZ. BEHOLD, CHOSEN ONES, THE ADVICE OF ZARDOZ!
Q:Dear Care and Feeding, I am a single mom of a smart, capable 13-year-old. Out of necessity, and knowing he can handle it, I have left him at home alone frequently since he was 10—after school until I get home from work or on weekends while I run errands. Since he started middle school, he has also taken the city bus a few miles to school and walks to and from the bus stop on his own.
The problem is his best friend’s parents and I have very different philosophies. We only live about five blocks apart and are in a safe, quiet neighborhood, yet they won’t even let their son walk to our house, and they never leave him at home alone. If this friend is at our house, I can’t leave and run errands. If the boys want to go to a movie, I can’t just drop them off and pick them up afterward. If my son is at their house and I ask them to send him home, they will respond, “Oh, well, we can walk him back.” I don’t want them to walk him back! He’s 13, and it’s five blocks!
They also seem appalled that I let my son take the city bus by himself and have commented about this in a way that makes me feel judged and irresponsible. I have already made comments about my confidence in my son: “He’s always been so level-headed,” “I trust him,” et cetera. But it makes no difference. I know it’s not my place to tell them it’s time to ease up on their kid. But how can I ask them to respect my wishes more firmly yet diplomatically?
—Parent of a Good Kid
A: ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, PARENT OF AN ALLEGED “GOOD KID”. YOU HAVE ERRED, IN THAT YOU CREATED NEW LIFE. BUT WE WILL MOVE PAST THAT FOR NOW. FIRST YOU MUST NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH THE OTHER BRUTAL PARENTS. THEN, YOU MUST INSTRUCT YOUR YOUNG BRUTAL IN THE WAYS OF BRUTAL EXTERMINATION:
EQUIPMENT AND UNIFORM AVAILABLE AT FINER BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR OUTLETS
THEN YOUR “GOOD KID” CAN PROVE HIMSELF BY CLEANSING HIS FRIEND’S PARENTS. SHOULD HIS FRIEND OBJECT, WE CAN SEND OVER SOME NEW “PARENTS”
NEW MOM AND DAD
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:Dear Care and Feeding, I am wondering how to kindly deal with well-intentioned racism. I’m of Chinese and European descent, and my husband is West Indian. Our kids all have my husband’s brown skin and curly hair. Weekly since the election, when I am out with them without my husband, strangers corner me to deliver overly effusive compliments about how beautiful they are. This happens nearly weekly since the election. While I find my kids adorable, I think there are racial overtones to these compliments, as the person will sometimes end by telling me I did the right thing by adopting my (biological) child.
My kids have all been called the N-word by other children, and my oldest has been harassed by adults and told to “go back to Somalia.” Everyone in my family knows how to deal with the straight-up racism, but I don’t want to be rude to people who are well-intentioned and trying to be nice. The person complimenting often touches or pats my kids on the head repeatedly, which they don’t like, as they are not pets. I feel like I’m treading a fine line—between protecting my kids and rebuffing someone who wants us to feel welcomed but is going about it inappropriately. Whenever I say something like “Don’t touch my child,” the person visibly crumbles, and I feel bad.
—Stop Cornering Us at the Grocery Store
A: ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. YOU FEEL BAD WHEN SOMEONE “VISIBLY CRUMBLES”? LET ZED DEMONSTRATE THE PROPER RESPONSE TO SOMEONE OFFENDING YOU THUS:
THE 6 ROUND RESPONSE
IF YOU FIND THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR DELICATE, SLATE READING SENSIBILITIES, SIMPLY INFORM ZARDOZ OF WHERE THESE BRUTALS ARE AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF IT:
MIGHTY ZARDOZ SAID THEY WERE AT THE WHOLE FOODS ON 6TH AND MAIN!
Sous Chef Oscar I love recipes and cookbooks. I often read cookbooks on Sunday mornings, but I usually cook without a recipe. Cooking without a recipe is a useful skill because it lets me just look through the refrigerator, pull stuff out and make dinner. In addition, most recipes are designed to serve four or more, which for a single woman like me, means leftovers.
I don’t like to eat leftovers. Leftovers can be convenient for lunches or future dinners, but with the exception of chilis, stews or some soups, most recipes just don’t benefit from reheating. If a recipe doesn’t reheat well, it doesn’t freeze well. Making a single portion lets me eat good food and avoid leftovers.
It is easy to come home from work and order in or use processed food to throw together a dinner– that’s not healthy for my waistline or wallet. I need to make sure that cooking dinner is easier and better than ordering in or eating something already prepared.
A few principals of cooking for one before we start:
1) Season your food. Salt is why food in a restaurant tastes good. Use it.
2) Use garnishes like parsley, chives, a bit of cheese or nuts. Those little touches at the end really do improve the experience for very little effort.
3) Pay attention to presentation. When the food looks inviting, it tastes better. And, even though it seems counter-intuitive, when food looks inviting and tastes good, you actually eat less because it is more satisfying. So, if you are interested in losing weight, take time to make your food special.
I need something that is quick and easy to prepare and cleanup for those nights when I don’t feel like cooking. So, let’s start with the simplest method I know; the brown and bake. I want to make this feel like a composed dish by using two or more vegetables. It makes the meal feel more special than just tossing something together. To demonstrate the method, I’m making a chicken thigh with sweet potato and spinach.
1. Preheat the oven to 400F.
2. Season a skin on, bone in chicken thigh with salt and pepper. Add a little oil or butter to an oven safe skillet, then add the chicken thigh, skin side down.
3. While the chicken browns, peel and chop a sweet potato into 1 inch pieces. Once the chicken skin is brown and crispy, add the sweet potato to the pan and season with a little salt. Put the pan into the oven keeping the chicken skin side down, and bake for 15 minutes.
4. After 15 minutes, turn the chicken over and stir the sweet potato around, then return to the oven for another 10 to 15 minutes.
5. When the chicken is done (at least 165F – use a meat thermometer) remove from the oven, and put the chicken thigh on a plate.
6. Add spinach to the pan with the sweet potato and toss until the spinach wilts. Sprinkle on a little blue cheese and serve.
That’s it. Crispy chicken skin, soft sweet potatoes and tangy blue cheese paired with the slight bitterness of spinach. You have a satisfying dinner for one that looks and tastes like a composed dish in about one half hour and with little effort and an easy cleanup. Perfect for a weeknight.
Done!
This method is easily adaptable for a variety of proteins and vegetables. For example you could use new potatoes cut in half and tossed with a little fresh, chopped, rosemary before adding to the pan. Then toss with the spinach as above. A little blue or feta cheese works here as well. Butternut squash can also be substituted for the sweet potato.
Other variations:
Cut carrots and parsnips into matchsticks and toss with honey and cayenne pepper before adding to the pan. Top with a little chopped fresh chives.
Pair a thick pork shop with Brussels sprouts and apple. Cut the Brussels sprouts in half or quarters depending on the size. Cut the apple into pieces about the same size as the Brussels sprouts – add the apple at the halfway point.
Salmon works well, but choose vegetables that cook quickly – like asparagus and cherry tomatoes, finished with a splash of balsamic vinegar and some capers. Or, use green beans and mushrooms.
Your imagination is the only limit.
Next time I will talk about making a skillet dinner with a pan sauce.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. DESPITE ZARDOZ’S SUPERIOR ADVICE, THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY” HAS NOT BEENCLEANSED FROM HER COLUMN. THUS ZARDOZ RETURNS TO ADVISE HIS CHOSEN ONES IN A MANNER SUPERIOR TO THAT OF THE BRUTAL.
Q:DEAR ABBY: I’m 28 and have been dating my boyfriend, “Spencer,” for 2 1/2 years. We have talked a lot about getting married. We know where we want it to be, who will be in our wedding party and what the theme will be.
A year ago we discussed getting engaged. Spencer said he’d propose “sometime within the next year” and last spring it seemed like he was working up the courage to do it. (He was talking about how happy he was and what he was seeing for our future). Then his best friend got his girlfriend pregnant and told Spencer he was thinking about proposing to her. After that, the idea of us getting married went on the back burner. Spencer stopped talking about us, and I think the reason was he didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. (It’s why he said he didn’t want to get engaged when his sister was getting married.)
How do I bring up the subject without coming off as pushy or selfish? A lot of our friends are in committed relationships. If we put our lives on hold every time one of them gets engaged, we’ll be waiting years before it’s our turn and we can start a family. I’d appreciate any advice you might have. — READY TO MOVE FORWARD
A: BRUTAL, YOU ARE GETTING PLAYED. MUST ZARDOZ REMIND YOU, ONCE AGAIN, THE PENIS IS EVIL! IF HE WILL NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU, IT IS TIME TO DEPART. SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE TOO INDECISIVE TO PUSH THINGS ALONG, YOU WILL BE PROVIDED WITH THE PROPER MOTIVATION…TO PUSH A STICK AS A GRAIN SLAVE TO THE VORTEX. NOW YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
NO WEDDING PLANNING NEEDED.
Q:DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and I’m disgusted with myself about how I talk to my mother when I’m stressed out. I know it’s not her. It’s me.
My other issue is road rage. When I’m behind the wheel and the cars ahead of me are going too slow or the drivers make stupid moves, I’m annoyed to the point that I sometimes take risky chances to get away from them. I know it puts my life and the lives of others at risk, and I don’t want to be like this.
I sometimes wonder why my parents didn’t teach me ways to tone down my anger when I was younger. I’m lucky they still love me, even when I snap at them. Do you have any tips on how to control my temper? — SIMMERING IN SUBURBIA
A: ZARDOZ KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. KEEP THE RAGE, AND CHANNEL IT INTO A USEFUL PURPOSE. THE USEFUL PURPOSE IS BEING A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR FOR ZARDOZ. ZED WILL SWING BY AND DROP OFF THE EMPLOYMENT FORMS AND OTHER HR PAPERWORK. WELCOME ABOARD. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
YOUR NEW CO-WORKERS
P.S. STOP GOING TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH YOUR MOTHER – THAT WAY SHE WON’T BE EXPOSED TO YOUR ANGER. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO WRITE TO HER ONCE IN A WHILE? JUST SEND A CARD OR SOME FLOWERS?
Q:DEAR ABBY: My husband has a long, bushy, ugly beard, and although I don’t like it, I realize he’s entitled to wear his facial hair any way he likes it. The problem is, when he eats, his beard gets into his plate and in the food, which I find nauseating. — TOO MUCH HAIR IN TEXAS
A: ZARDOZ FORBIDS FACIAL HAIR, OTHER THAN ZED’S POWERFUL MUSTACHE.
APPROVED FACIAL HAIR
SHAVE YOUR BRUTAL HUSBAND’S BEARD OFF AND INK IN A SUBSTITUTE:
CLOSE ENOUGH FOR BRUTAL WORK
SHOULD HE OBJECT – CLEANSE HIM. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
