ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE GIFT OF THE LINK WILL BE YOURS, BECAUSE YOU HAVE CARRIED OUT YOUR DUTY OF SNARKING AT THE BRUTALS, WHO ARE LEGION. ZARDOZ IS CONSIDERING A RECRUITING DRIVE, FOR ADDITIONAL BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS. THERE IS SO MUCH OF THE STUPIDITY OF BRUTALS….ZARDOZ MUST DETERMINE A WAY TO REDUCE IT. OBSERVE, IN THE GIFT OF THE LINK, THE IDIOCY OF THE BRUTALS;
THIS FOOLISH BRUTAL THINKS HE KNOWS OF CLEANSING THE FILTH OF BRUTALS? ZARDOZ KNEW HE SHOULD HAVE TRADEMARKED THAT PHRASE.
IF THE BRUTALS ARE ALL CHEATING, WHY IS THE SCHOOL CALLED “ONE OF AMERICA’S BEST”?
BRITISH BRUTALS HAVE TO GO TO…FRANCE TO GET REPAIRED? BETTER THEY WERE CLEANSED BY THAT WONDERFUL BRUTAL EXTERMINATING ORGANIZATION – THE NHS.
FOOLS. ALL GRAIN SHOULD BE HELD FOR THE VORTEX, NOT PUT ON “UNESCO’S INTANGIBLE HERITAGE LIST”.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. FRIEND STEVE SMITH IS TAKING NIGHT OFF, THUS ZARDOZ WILL GIVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK. ZARDOZ REMINDS HIS CHOSEN ONES OF A FEW THINGS FIRST;
YOU HAVE BEEN RAISED UP FROM BRUTALITY, TO SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO MULTIPLY, AND ARE LEGION,
THE PENIS IS EVIL! THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME BACKSLIDING ON THIS, WITH LINKS TO “FLBP” AND “THICC” AND SUCH. ZARDOZ WARNS THAT OBSERVING SUCH, MAY CAUSE PENIC ERECTION. BETTER THAT YOU BE CAREFUL, AND GO FORTH AND COMMENT.
THE GUN IS GOOD. HERE, ZARDOZ IS PLEASED (ESPECIALLY WITH HIS CHOSEN ONE, VHYRUS) WITH THE KNOWLEDGE AND DEDICATION MANY OF HIS CHOSEN ONES SHOW TO THE GUN!
NOW, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK!
NOT MUCH OF A “CLASH” IF THERE IS NO USE OF THE GUN. ZARDOZ WONDERS IF THERE WILL BE ACCUSATIONS OF RUSSIAN BOTS OR MEDDLING THERE?
ZARDOZ WAS HOPING FOR MORE CLEANSING. APPARENTLY THE ESCAPEES WERE NOT DANGEROUS ENOUGH. NO WORD WAS SENT TO ZARDOZ OR THE TABERNACLE IF ANY OF THEM WERE NOTED COMMENTERS FROM OTHER SITES.
ZARDOZ BELIEVES THIS WILL BE DONE IN THE USUAL EU MANNER – CLUMSILY, HEAVY HANDED, AND WITH A REGRETTABLE LACK OF CLEANSING.
FOOLISH BRUTAL IS CAUGHT. IF ZARDOZ FINDS OUT THAT ANY OF THE ITEMS HE HAD WERE STOLEN FROM THE VORTEX…HE WILL BE CLEANSED.
GO FORTH AND COMMENT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
*Glib Brutal bows and scrapes into room*
“Oh, mighty ZARDOZ, might we put a link in to show the new Hat n’ Hair merch?”
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. FRIEND STEVE SMITH WAS QUITE UPSET, SO ZARDOZ WILL PROVIDE THE GIFT OF THE LINK TO THE CHOSEN ONES TONIGHT.
BE SURE TO USE THE GIFT OF THE LINK ,TO BE RAISED FROM BRUTALITY AND TO SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO ARE LEGION. WHEN YOU DO, ZARDOZ IS PLEASED.
TERRIFIC. THIS LOAD OF GRAIN IS CONTAMINATED. OR IS IT ZEDTAMINATED?
BRUTAL AUTOMOBILE MAKER CAUGHT CHEATING. ZARDOZ SUGGESTS TURNING THE VEHICLES OVER TO ZARDOZ…THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS ARE NOT QUITE UP TO DATE ON TRANSPORTATION.
EXTERMINATORS, MOUNT UP!
ZARDOZ IS THINKING OF SENDING THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS TO SEIZE THIS BRUTAL AND GIVE HIM TO FRIEND STEVE SMITH.
SOMETIMES ZARDOZ DOES NOT NEED TO SEND BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS FOR THEIR TO BE CLEANSING.
AS FOR THE FIRST BRUTAL ATHLETIC EVENT TODAY… ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. DESPITE ZARDOZ’S SUPERIOR ADVICE, THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY” HAS NOT BEENCLEANSED FROM HER COLUMN. THUS ZARDOZ RETURNS TO ADVISE HIS CHOSEN ONES IN A MANNER SUPERIOR TO THAT OF THE BRUTAL.
Q:DEAR ABBY: I’m 28 and have been dating my boyfriend, “Spencer,” for 2 1/2 years. We have talked a lot about getting married. We know where we want it to be, who will be in our wedding party and what the theme will be.
A year ago we discussed getting engaged. Spencer said he’d propose “sometime within the next year” and last spring it seemed like he was working up the courage to do it. (He was talking about how happy he was and what he was seeing for our future). Then his best friend got his girlfriend pregnant and told Spencer he was thinking about proposing to her. After that, the idea of us getting married went on the back burner. Spencer stopped talking about us, and I think the reason was he didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. (It’s why he said he didn’t want to get engaged when his sister was getting married.)
How do I bring up the subject without coming off as pushy or selfish? A lot of our friends are in committed relationships. If we put our lives on hold every time one of them gets engaged, we’ll be waiting years before it’s our turn and we can start a family. I’d appreciate any advice you might have. — READY TO MOVE FORWARD
A: BRUTAL, YOU ARE GETTING PLAYED. MUST ZARDOZ REMIND YOU, ONCE AGAIN, THE PENIS IS EVIL! IF HE WILL NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU, IT IS TIME TO DEPART. SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE TOO INDECISIVE TO PUSH THINGS ALONG, YOU WILL BE PROVIDED WITH THE PROPER MOTIVATION…TO PUSH A STICK AS A GRAIN SLAVE TO THE VORTEX. NOW YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
NO WEDDING PLANNING NEEDED.
Q:DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and I’m disgusted with myself about how I talk to my mother when I’m stressed out. I know it’s not her. It’s me.
My other issue is road rage. When I’m behind the wheel and the cars ahead of me are going too slow or the drivers make stupid moves, I’m annoyed to the point that I sometimes take risky chances to get away from them. I know it puts my life and the lives of others at risk, and I don’t want to be like this.
I sometimes wonder why my parents didn’t teach me ways to tone down my anger when I was younger. I’m lucky they still love me, even when I snap at them. Do you have any tips on how to control my temper? — SIMMERING IN SUBURBIA
A: ZARDOZ KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. KEEP THE RAGE, AND CHANNEL IT INTO A USEFUL PURPOSE. THE USEFUL PURPOSE IS BEING A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR FOR ZARDOZ. ZED WILL SWING BY AND DROP OFF THE EMPLOYMENT FORMS AND OTHER HR PAPERWORK. WELCOME ABOARD. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
YOUR NEW CO-WORKERS
P.S. STOP GOING TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH YOUR MOTHER – THAT WAY SHE WON’T BE EXPOSED TO YOUR ANGER. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO WRITE TO HER ONCE IN A WHILE? JUST SEND A CARD OR SOME FLOWERS?
Q:DEAR ABBY: My husband has a long, bushy, ugly beard, and although I don’t like it, I realize he’s entitled to wear his facial hair any way he likes it. The problem is, when he eats, his beard gets into his plate and in the food, which I find nauseating. — TOO MUCH HAIR IN TEXAS
A: ZARDOZ FORBIDS FACIAL HAIR, OTHER THAN ZED’S POWERFUL MUSTACHE.
APPROVED FACIAL HAIR
SHAVE YOUR BRUTAL HUSBAND’S BEARD OFF AND INK IN A SUBSTITUTE:
CLOSE ENOUGH FOR BRUTAL WORK
SHOULD HE OBJECT – CLEANSE HIM. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE BEEN LIFTED FROM BRUTALITY – AND HAVE DONE WELL IN YOUR SNARK AND COMMENTING AT THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. THUS, YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE GIFT OF THE LINK EARLY TODAY. THE TABERNACLE HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT SOME OF YOU MAY BE EXPERIENCING THE “ALBERTA CLIPPER” – THUS ZARDOZ WOULD PROVIDE YOU LINKS TO ENTERTAIN AND INFORM YOU WHILST TRAPPED INDOORS. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
A NEW GROUP OF BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS IN SYRIA? ZARDOZ IS PLEASED.
IS THIS WHAT BRUTALS CALL BACKSCRATCHING OR LOGROLLING OR SOME OTHER TERM? ZARDOZ BELIEVES THAT CLEANSING ALL POLITICAL BRUTALS IN THAT CITY WOULD SOLVE SUCH THINGS.
ZARDOZ BELIEVES THIS HEADLINE AND STORY ARE SUFFICIENTLY TABLOID FOR HIS CHOSEN ONES.
ZARDOZ IS TORN BY THIS STORY…OF COURSE, THE PENIS IS EVIL…SO THREATENING TO STAB ONE IS GOOD. BUT THE BRUTAL MAKING THE THREAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A CHOSEN ONE.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING RECENTLY DISPATCHED “DEAR PRUDENCE” ONCE AGAIN, ZARDOZ NOTES THAT “DEAR ABBY” HAS PERSISTED IN HER ERRONEOUSWAYS. AS SHE REMAINS IN NEED OF CORRECTION, ZARDOZ WILL PROVIDE THE BETTER ADVICE FOR HIS CHOSEN ONES.
Q:Dear Abby: I play cards with a group of men I have known for more than 20 years. We switch partners after six hands so everyone partners with everyone.
One member of the group has now become unable to remember the rules and constantly asks how he should respond to his partner’s bid. He also keeps asking the score and whose deal it is. Because we give small prizes for the high score, I think it’s cheating to discuss a hand across the table.
What should we do when he asks the rules or how to bid a hand? I think we should play as we always have, and not discuss the hand or how to bid. Should I find another group to play with, and how can I explain my reason for quitting the group? — PLAYER IN THE SOUTH
A: IT IS CLEAR YOUR FELLOW CARD PLAYING BRUTAL RAN AFOUL OF THE ETERNALS AND WAS PREMATURELY AGED INTO DOTAGE.
PUNISHMENT!SUFFERING!RESULT!
YOU MUST CEASE TO PLAY CARDS OR GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. ABANDON HIM TO WANDER THE STREETS OF THE VORTEX, WITH THE OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN PUNISHED THUS. AS FAR AS A NEW PARTNER, ZARDOZ WOULD BE PLEASED TO SIT IN A FEW HANDS. AS LONG AS ONE OF YOU CAN MANIPULATE THE CARDS FOR ZARDOZ…SINCE, WELL, YOU KNOW. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:Dear Abby: One of my nephews is turning 24 soon. I am reluctant to get him a birthday gift because he’s lazy and disrespectful and makes up excuse after excuse for not working. On top of that, he has a 1-year-old daughter and managed to get his family evicted because he felt the mother should do everything — and I mean EVERYthing.
He’s on his cellphone all day texting other women or posting Facebook nonsense. The mother of his child finally woke up and left him, so now he has moved in with his mother.
I am trying to understand why I need to give him a birthday gift. He was dropping hints about his birthday during a family dinner the other day. No one said a word. Everyone ignored him, including his mother.
We’re pretty sure he won’t be living with her long before he’s kicked out. We have all tried to help and support him, but we are tired and no longer want to be bothered.
Must I give him a birthday gift? Or should I use the excuse he gives everyone else: “Oh, I ordered your gift online and they must not have shipped it yet.” — TIRED OF THIS MESS
A: WEAKLING BRUTAL! THE ONLY GIFT YOUR WORTHLESS “NEPHEW” SHOULD RECEIVE, IS THE GIFT OF THE GUN – AIMED AT HIM!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRUTAL!
AS FOR HIS SHIFTLESS WAYS, DO NOT WORRY. ZARDOZ HAS A “JOB” FOR HIM…AND IT IS NOT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY.
YOU ARE “HIRED”
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:Dear Abby: Many years ago, in a “Farmer’s Almanac,” I read a saying so profound and succinct, I have never forgotten it. I thought one day I should send it to you. Well, with everything that’s been happening in Hollywood and beyond, this is the time.
It goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know about it, don’t DO it!” — FAITHFUL READER IN CARMEL, N.Y.
A: BRUTAL NONSENSE! THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO MAKE SURE NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT SOMETHING; 1) DO NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH THEM, 2) CLEANSE ANYONE WHO KNOWS.
ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY IN CRITICISM OF ZARDOZ’S ACTIONS?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE BEEN LIFTED FROM BRUTALITY, TO SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO ARE LEGION. YOU HAVE DONE WELL, AND SHALL RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK. ZARDOZ HAS MADE SURE HE GETS BACK TO HIS CORE PURPOSES – GRAIN DELIVERY AND CLEANSING THE EARTH OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. GO FORTH AND COMMENT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
THIS STORY CONFLICTS ZARDOZ. WHILE THERE IS SOME CLEANSING, AND SOME SCHADENFREUDE AT AN IRANIAN OIL SHIP GETTING HULLED, ZARDOZ CANNOT HELP BUT NOT LIKE GRAIN IN DANGER.
ZARDOZ APPROVES OF PREMEDITATED IGNORANCE IN BRUTALS.
HAS ZARDOZ NOT WARNED YOU, MANY TIMES, THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL!
ZARDOZ SEES THAT HE SHALL HAVE TO RECRUIT SOMEONE INTO HIS BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE TABERNACLE HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT “DEAR PRUDENCE” HAS CONTINUED TO DISPENSE ADVICE – NO MATTER HOW WRONG ZARDOZ HAS SHOWN HER TO BE. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ MUST ONCE AGAIN PROVIDE SUPERIOR ADVICE – AND SHOW THE BRUTAL “PRUDENCE” THE ERROR OF HER WAYS.
Q:Conspiracy theories: My cousin recently set me up on a date with a really great guy that she knew from work. At first, I was hesitant to go on a date with him as he is 43 and I am 27, however I decided to give him a chance and I was really glad I did. He’s smart, funny, and easy to hang out with. I am also very attracted to him physically. The only bad thing, so far, is that during a text conversation, he alluded to believing that 9/11 was an inside job. At first I thought he was joking, but further questions revealed that he was not. We discussed it in person the next time we met up, and he was joking about it with me but didn’t change his stance. Is this a deal breaker? I felt bad afterward because I was basically making fun of him to his face not realizing he actually believed what he was saying.
A: DEAL BREAKER? FOOLISH BRUTAL! PARANOIA IS A REQUIREMENT FOR BRUTAL ENFORCERS. YOU MUST GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. REVEL IN THE FEAR AND DISTRUST. YOUR ONLY REQUIREMENT IS TO CONTINUE TO HEED THE WORD OF ZARDOZ – WATCH THE “ATTRACTED TO HIM PHYSICALLY” STUFF. REMEMBER, THE PENIS IS EVIL! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:Holiday hosting etiquette: Each year, my wife’s niece hosts a Christmas dinner for the entire, relatively large, family. Most years this is in the neighborhood of 40 people. Her mother-in-law is from another country, and they do a dinner theme around the mother-in-law’s native cuisine. The dinner and food are always very enjoyable, and we are sure to express our gratitude openly and often. This year, we received a text stating that we were required to bring $5 per person to cover the costs of the dinner. On one hand, I enjoy the meal, and I enjoy the family time, so I have no issue paying. The $40 it’s going to cost my family is not going to break the bank. On the other hand, this, to me, is rather rude. If you do not wish to host, then don’t. If you don’t wish to host so many, then don’t invite everyone. What is the etiquette of this situation? My wife’s first reaction was simply to say that we wouldn’t be going. I am not so sure how to react.
A: MISERABLE BRUTAL – LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE. THE PLAGUE OF MEN YOUR WIFE’S NIECE FEEDS CUTS INTO THE GRAIN AVAILABLE FOR THE VORTEX! THE FILTH OF BRUTALS IS TO BE CLEANSED, NOT WINED AND DINED! NOT ONLY SHOULD YOU NOT PAY, YOU SHOULD DIRECT THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS TO THIS PARTY, NEXT YEAR, SO THAT THE BRUTALS ATTENDING CAN BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO SERVICE IN THE GRAIN FIELDS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SLAVES!
Q:My mother is trying to turn my wedding into her second wedding: I am getting married next spring, and my fiancé and I are very excited to move to the next phase of our relationship. Wedding planning has been surprisingly easy, save for my mother. My mother has an opinion on everything in that she wants everything to involve her. She wants to pick out music for her to be seated to. She wants my fiancé to walk her down the aisle to her seat. She wants to wear a white dress to the ceremony! What do I do here? My fiancé and I are paying for most of the wedding on our own, but my mother made a sizable donation to our wedding fund, which she claimed was “no strings attached,” but clearly there are many strings attached. My fiancé has suggested that we give her back her money, but we can’t afford the wedding without it. Please help!
A: BRUTAL, YOUR MOTHER SHOULD BE CLEANSED, NOT GIVEN HER MONEY BACK. WEDDINGS ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE IN THE VORTEX, AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!
THE BRIDE WORE WHITE
FOR HER ATTEMPTS TO MEDDLE WITH THE SOCIAL ORDER OF THE ETERNALS, SHE WILL BE HANDED OVER TO THE BRUTAL ENFORCERS…
