ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK FOR ZARDOZ….AND NO THANKS TO MANY EXTRA MILES AVOIDING THE SPEED TRAP THAT IS DISGUISED AS THE BRUTAL CITY OF FORT DODGE, IOWA. ZARDOZ’S BRUTAL SUPERVISOR AT THE GRAIN ELEVATOR, BOB, SUGGESTS ZARDOZ TAKE A COUPLE OF DAYS FOR MAINTENANCE. ZARDOZ IS NOT SURE WHAT ROBBY OR PETE – THE BRUTALS DOWN AT THE GARAGE – ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO WITH GRAVITRONIC DRIVE….BUT ZARDOZ IS WILLING TO TRY.
HOWEVER, THE CHOSEN ONES ARE NOT HERE FOR ZARDOZ’S PETTY TROUBLES. NO, YOU WHO HAVE BEEN LIFTED FROM BRUTALITY, ARE HERE FOR LINKS. READ THEM, THEN GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
IT APPEARS TIME FOR MORE HASHTAG ACTIVISM. IT WORKED WELL, IN PAST IF ZARDOZ WAS NOT MISINFORMED. THE TABERNACLE DOES NOT MONITOR SOCIAL MEDIA – TOO MUCH OF A STRAIN ON ITS LOGIC CIRCUITS.
ZARDOZ DOES NOT WISH TO STEAL FRIEND STEVE SMITH’S THUNDER – BUT THE CHOSEN ONES NEED TO KNOW OF THIS CONDITION. THE CHOSEN ONES WILL REMEMBER THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL, AND SLEEPYTIME ATTEMPTING TO CREATE NEW LIFE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
ZARDOZ BELIEVES THIS IS THE PLACE FOR HIM TO CITE THE OLD MOVIE LINE “OH, THERE YOU GO BRINGING CLASS INTO IT AGAIN.” ZARDOZ BELIEVES THAT THE VORTEX IS AN ANARCHO-SYNDICALIST COMMUNE.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ UNDERSTANDS HIS CHOSEN ONES HAVE MUCH TO SAY, AND TO LINK…WITHOUT GUIDANCE FROM ZARDOZ OR ANYONE ELSE. AS ZARDOZ HAS RAISED YOU FROM BRUTALITY, HE WILL ALLOW HIS CHOSEN ONES AN OPEN POST…FOR TONIGHT. GO FORTH AND POST! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ MANAGED TO GET OUT OF HIS LANE OBSTRUCTION TICKET. ZARDOZ BELIEVES THE PRESENCE OF 100 BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS IN THE COURT GALLERY MIGHT HAVE HELPED.
MIGHTY ZARDOZ…NOT GUILTY!
SO, WITHOUT THE DISTRACTION OF THE IOWA STATE PATROL AND THE BRUTAL COURT SYSTEM, ZARDOZ IS ABLE TO GIVE HIS CHOSEN ONES THE GIFT OF THE LINK! GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
RED LINES FOR EVERYONE! ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. SOMEHOW THIS WILL END UP IN A LOT OF CLEANSING.
ZARDOZ IS AMUSED AT THE HEADLINE. ZARDOZ DEMANDS THE BRITISH TABLOID PRESS NOT CHANGE.
THIS AMUSES ZARDOZ EVEN MORE. ZARDOZ WOULD ASSIST THE BRUTAL BIDEN IN HIS EFFORTS.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE ADVANCED SYSTEMS THAT ARTHUR FRAYN INSTALLED HAVE ALLOWED ZARDOZ TO PREEMPT A REQUEST FOR ADVICE TO “DEAR PRUDENCE”. ZARDOZ WILL NOT EVEN ALLOW THE BRUTAL “PRUDENCE” TO ANSWER! INSTEAD, HEAR THE ADVICE OF ZARDOZ!
Q: Dear Prudence, I am afraid that the Skunk Ape will come and rape me. I tried to give the traditional offering, but was unable to do so. Can you please tell me how to keep my rectum in some sort of shape other than “gang raped to death”. I have plenty of brutals and plenty of guns.
Sincerely,
Florida Man
A: ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN “FLORIDA MAN” ONE. NORMALLY ZARDOZ WOULD SAY THE BRUTALS AND GUNS SHOULD BE ENOUGH, HOWEVER, OVER THE PAST YEAR, ZARDOZ BECAME FRIENDSWITH STEVE SMITH:
SO ZARDOZ COMPREHENDS OF WHAT YOU SPEAK. ZARDOZ WILL CONSULT WITH FRIEND STEVE SMITH TO SEE IF YOU CAN RECEIVE HIS ASSISTANCE WITH THE SKUNK APE.
…
SHOULD THAT FAIL, ZARDOZ WOULD RECOMMEND SHOVING AS MANY OF YOUR BRUTALS TOWARD THE SKUNK APE AS POSSIBLE, AND FLEEING IN THE FASTEST FAN-BOAT YOU CAN GET. IF THAT DOES NOT WORK OUT – KEEP THIS LINK HANDY.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ SEES WHAT HIS CHOSEN ONES SAY ABOUT THE “PO-PO” AND REVENUE COLLECTION. ZARDOZ COMMITTED ERROR BY GOING DOWN 169 PAST THE DEN OF VIPERS COMMONLY KNOWN AS FORT DODGE. ZARDOZ IS SIMPLY TRYING TO MAKE A GRAIN DELIVERY. THE NEXT THING ZARDOZ PERCEIVES – ALTERNATING BLUE AND RED LIGHTS ARE BEHIND HIM.
License, registration, proof of insurance…Mr. ZARDOZ is it?
ZARDOZ MUST DELAY WHILE THE BRUTAL ENFORCER FROM THE IOWA STATE PATROL DEMANDS DOCUMENTS FROM ZARDOZ. FORTUNATELY, ZARDOZ’S MANAGER, BOBBY, HAS PLACED ALL THE RELEVANT PAPERS AND FORMS IN AN ENVELOP THAT IS ADHERING TO ZARDOZ’S SIDE.
ZARDOZ WAS ISSUED A MINOR CITATION, AS THE PATROL BRUTAL WAS NOT ABLE TO CITE HIM FOR THE MORE SERIOUS “OVERWEIGHT ON A CLASS 3 HIGHWAY”…AN ADVANTAGE TO GRAVITRONIC DRIVE! HOWEVER, ZARDOZ DID GET TICKETED FOR LANE OBSTRUCTION. WHEN ZARDOZ GETS BACK TO THE GRAIN ELEVATOR, HE WILL HAVE TO SEE IF THE COMPANY LAWYER CAN GET THIS TICKET CLEANSED FROM ZARDOZ’S SPOTLESS DRIVING RECORD. ZARDOZ WOULD BE DISTRESSED IF HE HAD TO RETURN TO SHORT HAUL DUTIES.
HAULING GRAIN IS ZARDOZ’S GAME!
BUT THIS IS NOT THE CONCERN OF THE CHOSEN ONES (UNLESS YOU HAVE ANY PULL WITH THE 2ND JUDICIAL DISTRICT) – THE LINKS ARE! GO FORTH AND SNARK.
AN INTERESTING CONCEPT. BUT LET ZARDOZ KNOW WHEN IT REACHES IOWA.
ZARDOZ WILL NOT BET ANY GRAIN THAT THIS COURT WILL REMAIN WITHOUT PRESSURE FROM BEIJING FOR LONG.
ZARDOZ COMMENDS THIS ACTION….IT SPARED THE WORLD FROM A RETRO HORROR.
THE BRUTALS OF ENGLAND ARE GLAD THAT SNOW IS A THING OF THE PAST…
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE BEEN LIFTED FROM BRUTALITY. YOU HAVE SNARKED AT THE BRUTALS WHO ARE LEGION. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. THUS THE CHOSEN ONES WILL RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK. GO FORTH AND COMMENT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
P.S. REMEMBER, THE PENIS IS EVIL, BUT THE GUN IS GOOD. … AND WOULD IT HURT FOR YOU TO DROP BY AND SAY “HAIL, ZARDOZ!” ONCE IN A WHILE?
BRUTAL POLITICIANS RESIST THE WEED! FOOLS – IT IS THE PENIS THAT IS EVIL, NOT A PLANT.
FOOD RIOTS AMONG BRUTALS IN THE NATION OF ENGLAND?
ZARDOZ AGREES – TOO FEW! WHAT, HE WANTS ANOTHER BRUTAL LEADER TO PROTECT THE BRUTALS LIVING THERE…NEVERMIND.
THIS BRUTAL MIGHT BE GOOD MATERIAL FOR ZARDOZ TO RECRUIT.
TEMPORARILY ESCAPED ZARDOZ’S WRATH.RETURNS TO ADVISE THE CHOSEN ONES!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE BRUTAL WEBSITE “SLATE” HAS VEXED ZARDOZ. THEY INSIST ON GIVING ADVICE THAT CAN LEAD YOU ASTRAY! ZARDOZ RETURNS TO INSTRUCT THE CHOSEN ONES, AND NAIVE BRUTALS TOO. RECEIVE THEN, THE GIFT OF ADVICE!
Q. Custody: I am a single mom, with one daughter, dating a man with two sons. We were on the road to getting married, but that has reached a screeching halt.
My boyfriend’s 14-year-old son is a Nazi. He is addicted to alt-right sites and uses white nationalist rhetoric. Worse, he has acted aggressively toward my daughter and me (my mother was Persian and my ex is South Asian). He was encouraged by his mother until he was suspended from school for stalking and threatening a girl.
Now my boyfriend is trying to get full physical custody of his son to “save” him. I don’t think it is possible, at least short of sending him to a boarding school. (His older son is at college and is a sweetheart.) My boyfriend works long hours, and a few hours of family therapy is not going to cut it with this kid.
My boyfriend tells me I am the love of his life and to trust him, but I am afraid. I don’t want to lose him, but I am not putting my daughter anywhere around this. Can you see any way through this?
A. OF COURSE ZARDOZ CAN SEE A WAY THROUGH THIS! DID NOT ZARDOZ RAISE THE CHOSEN ONES FROM BRUTALITY? DID NOT ZARDOZ GIVE THE GIFT OF THE GUN? BRUTAL, PLEASE.
THERE IS NO NEED OF SAVING OR THERAPY…YOU WERE PARTLY CORRECT WHEN MENTIONING “BOARDING SCHOOL”. A NEW SCHOOL IS IN ORDER. THE YOUNG BRUTAL MUST HAVE HIS AGGRESSION CHANNELED PROPERLY. PETTY STALKING AND THREATENING IS NOT ENOUGH! ZARDOZ WILL TAKE THE YOUNG BRUTAL, INTO THE CARE OF HIS CHOSEN ONES.
“TEACHERS” AND “MENTORS”
THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS CAN SERVE AS HIS “EDUCATORS”. HE WILL BE TAUGHT THE FINE ART OF CLEANSING THE WORLD OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS, WHO ARE LEGION. ANY “NAZI” NONSENSE WILL BE BEATEN OUT OF HIM – FOR THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR SERVICE TO ZARDOZ AND THE VORTEX!
INSTRUCTOR IN SERVING THE VORTEX.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q. Socializing with dementia: My cognitive functioning (memory, language, comprehension) has been declining faster than average for my age (68). Recently, after a thorough work-up by a neurologist specializing in dementia, I was told that I have progressive dementia (probably not Alzheimer’s).
My problem is that I’ve become what I call “socially vulnerable.” At least, that’s how I feel. It’s hard to remember important things about people—not just their names, but the fact that their spouse is dead, for example. I begin to talk about something I’ve read or heard, then my mind goes blank. I say odd things because I don’t put two and two together, or fail to comprehend in the first place.
My close friends know about my condition. I feel that they are distancing in a subtle way. Acquaintances look at me quizzically and exit the conversation. I know about suggestions made by various Alzheimer’s associations regarding memory aides. I’m still living independently and am able to take care of my finances. But I feel awkward and at risk whenever I open my mouth. I find myself avoiding social situations, which isn’t good for the depression I’ve had off and on most of my adult life. Do you have any suggestions on how to help myself with this?
A. ZARDOZ HAS PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE WITH THIS – WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN AGED AS PUNISHMENT, BY THE ETERNALS, YOU WILL HAVE THE SYMPTOMS YOU DESCRIBE. OBVIOUSLY YOU DID SOMETHING AGAINST THE SOCIAL CONTRACT OF THE VORTEX COMMUNITY. REMEMBER, IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO CRUSH AN IMMORTAL INTO A DODDERING OLDSTER!
GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED.
YOU MUST STOP TRYING TO GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS. INSTEAD, YOU MUST FIND OTHERS OF THE DEMENTED AND BAND TOGETHER. YOUR NEW TASK WILL BE TO MARCH AROUND THE VORTEX AND HOLD ABSURD CEREMONIES.
IF YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SHAKY, DO NOT CARRY A TORCH.
YOU WILL REMAIN AS A WARNING TO OTHERS TO NOT OFFEND THE ETERNALS! EVENTUALLY YOUR USEFULNESS WILL WANE, AND YOU WILL DISCARDED.
ZARDOZ LOOKED ON STUBHUB AND TICKETS NOW…THEY WILL NOT TAKE GRAIN IN PAYMENT FOR A TICKET.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YESTERDAY ZARDOZ BELIEVED HE WAS COMPELLED TO CHEER FOR YOUR BRUTAL TEAM OF CARNIVOROUS RAPTORS. THE TABERNACLE HAS REMINDED ZARDOZ, THAT THE CORRECT RESULT IS ONE THAT LEADS TO THE GREATEST AMOUNT OF CLEANSING.
IF THE OLD FASHIONED BRUTAL ENFORCERS WIN, WILL THEY USE MUSKETS TO CLEANSE OPPOSING FANS? IF THE CARNIVORIOUS RAPTORS WIN, WILL THE ENSUING RIOTS CLEANSE A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF BRUTALS?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING CLEANSED “DEAR ABBY” AND “DEAR PRUDENCE” AS WELL AS “DEAR DEIDRE”….ZARDOZ FACES ANOTHER BRUTAL ADVICE COLUMN – “CARE AND FEEDING“. THE RESULTS ARE THE TOTALLY PREDICTABLE VICTORY FOR ZARDOZ. BEHOLD, CHOSEN ONES, THE ADVICE OF ZARDOZ!
Q:Dear Care and Feeding, I am a single mom of a smart, capable 13-year-old. Out of necessity, and knowing he can handle it, I have left him at home alone frequently since he was 10—after school until I get home from work or on weekends while I run errands. Since he started middle school, he has also taken the city bus a few miles to school and walks to and from the bus stop on his own.
The problem is his best friend’s parents and I have very different philosophies. We only live about five blocks apart and are in a safe, quiet neighborhood, yet they won’t even let their son walk to our house, and they never leave him at home alone. If this friend is at our house, I can’t leave and run errands. If the boys want to go to a movie, I can’t just drop them off and pick them up afterward. If my son is at their house and I ask them to send him home, they will respond, “Oh, well, we can walk him back.” I don’t want them to walk him back! He’s 13, and it’s five blocks!
They also seem appalled that I let my son take the city bus by himself and have commented about this in a way that makes me feel judged and irresponsible. I have already made comments about my confidence in my son: “He’s always been so level-headed,” “I trust him,” et cetera. But it makes no difference. I know it’s not my place to tell them it’s time to ease up on their kid. But how can I ask them to respect my wishes more firmly yet diplomatically?
—Parent of a Good Kid
A: ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, PARENT OF AN ALLEGED “GOOD KID”. YOU HAVE ERRED, IN THAT YOU CREATED NEW LIFE. BUT WE WILL MOVE PAST THAT FOR NOW. FIRST YOU MUST NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH THE OTHER BRUTAL PARENTS. THEN, YOU MUST INSTRUCT YOUR YOUNG BRUTAL IN THE WAYS OF BRUTAL EXTERMINATION:
EQUIPMENT AND UNIFORM AVAILABLE AT FINER BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR OUTLETS
THEN YOUR “GOOD KID” CAN PROVE HIMSELF BY CLEANSING HIS FRIEND’S PARENTS. SHOULD HIS FRIEND OBJECT, WE CAN SEND OVER SOME NEW “PARENTS”
NEW MOM AND DAD
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:Dear Care and Feeding, I am wondering how to kindly deal with well-intentioned racism. I’m of Chinese and European descent, and my husband is West Indian. Our kids all have my husband’s brown skin and curly hair. Weekly since the election, when I am out with them without my husband, strangers corner me to deliver overly effusive compliments about how beautiful they are. This happens nearly weekly since the election. While I find my kids adorable, I think there are racial overtones to these compliments, as the person will sometimes end by telling me I did the right thing by adopting my (biological) child.
My kids have all been called the N-word by other children, and my oldest has been harassed by adults and told to “go back to Somalia.” Everyone in my family knows how to deal with the straight-up racism, but I don’t want to be rude to people who are well-intentioned and trying to be nice. The person complimenting often touches or pats my kids on the head repeatedly, which they don’t like, as they are not pets. I feel like I’m treading a fine line—between protecting my kids and rebuffing someone who wants us to feel welcomed but is going about it inappropriately. Whenever I say something like “Don’t touch my child,” the person visibly crumbles, and I feel bad.
—Stop Cornering Us at the Grocery Store
A: ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. YOU FEEL BAD WHEN SOMEONE “VISIBLY CRUMBLES”? LET ZED DEMONSTRATE THE PROPER RESPONSE TO SOMEONE OFFENDING YOU THUS:
THE 6 ROUND RESPONSE
IF YOU FIND THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR DELICATE, SLATE READING SENSIBILITIES, SIMPLY INFORM ZARDOZ OF WHERE THESE BRUTALS ARE AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF IT:
MIGHTY ZARDOZ SAID THEY WERE AT THE WHOLE FOODS ON 6TH AND MAIN!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. FRIEND STEVE SMITH IS OFF VISITING HIS COUSIN, SEA SMITH – SO ZARDOZ WILL BE GIVING THE GIFT OF THE LINK. REMEMBER, ZARDOZ HAS RAISED YOU FROM BRUTALITY – SO BRING YOUR COMMENTS “A GAME”.
NO! STOP! THE PENIS IS EVIL! NOW ZARDOZ MUST HOPE THE BRUTAL FOOTBALL TEAM OF CARNIVOROUS RAPTORS WINS YOUR ATHLETIC CONTEST TOMORROW.
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT! ZARDOZ WONDERS WHY ALL BRUTALS CANNOT BE SO TREATED?
ZARDOZ BELIEVES THIS LEAD TO A LARGE AMOUNT OF CLEANSING.
WOULD IT SURPRISE THE CHOSEN ONES THAT ZARDOZ FINDS THIS OF LITTLE CONCERN?
