ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE BEEN RAISED FROM BRUTALITY, TO KILL THE BRUTALS WHO MULTIPLY, AND ARE LEGION. TO THIS END, ZARDOZ YOUR GOD GAVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE GUN. THE GUN IS GOOD! BUT CERTAIN BRUTALS HAVE GOT IT IN MIND THAT THEY MUST BAN THE GIFT. THIS CANNOT BE PERMITTED. ARM YOURSELVES…WITH KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT THESE BRUTALS ARE TRYING, THAT YOU MAY GO FORTH AND THWART THEM.
ZARDOZ DID NOT KNOW THAT THE MEAN STREETS OF BOULDER WERE STREWN WITH SHELL CASINGS, AND RESOUNDED WITH THE PROLONGED BLASTS OF “ASSAULT WEAPONS”. PERHAPS ZARDOZ SHOULD VISIT THIS WAR-TORN HELLSCAPE TO PICK UP SOME POINTERS. FOR THAT COULD BE THE ONLY REASON THEY SEEK SUCH AN ORDINANCE.
EDUCATION IS ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT ZARDOZ THINKS THAT THIS EFFORT IS NOT GOING TO GET THROUGH TO THE BRUTALS WHO WANT TO TAKE AWAY THE GIFT OF THE GUN. ALSO NOTE THE PAPER’S …CHOICE OF PHOTOS.
TEAM BLUE BRUTALS VIE TO SEE WHO IMPAIR THE GIFT OF THE GUN THE MOST!
SPEAKING OF TEAM BLUE, AND CONTROLLING THE GIFT OF THE GUN. ZARODZ NOTES ACTIVITY IN THE BRUTAL STATE THAT GAVE YOU JOE BIDEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ NEEDS HIS CHOSEN ONES TO UP THEIR GAME, OF SNARKING AT THE BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH. ZARDOZ HAS FALLEN A BIT BEHIND IN KEEPING THE BRUTALS IN THEIR PLACE….THE CHOSEN ONES CAN HELP. THEREFOR, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK, AND GO FORTH AND SNARK!
INTERESTING HOW REUTERS LABELS THE PM OF HUNGARY A “STRONGMAN”. ZARDOZ SEES HE WON A THIRD ELECTION. SO IS ANGELA MERKEL LABELED AS GERMAN “STRONGWOMAN”? ZARDOZ THOUGHT NOT.
ZARDOZ IS …DISAPPOINTED. ZARDOZ WAS HOPING FOR A HATE FILLED DUEL TO THE DEATH (PREFERABLY BOTH BRUTALS EXPIRING). CIVILITY IS VASTLY OVER-RATED. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO “GO FORTH AND KILL”?
ZARDOZ OFFERS THIS, WITHOUT COMMENT. ZARDOZ TRUSTS HIS POINT HAS BEEN MADE.
ZARDOZ CAN ONLY HOPE THISIS FRUITLESS – HOW ELSE CAN ZARDOZ END UP WITH A MASS BRUTAL EXTINCTION EVENT?!
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. ZARDOZ DID NOT RAISE YOU OUT OF BRUTALITY, ONLY TO SEE SOME WIZENED ADVICE COLUMNIST BRUTAL DRAG YOU BACK INTO THE WAYS OF ERROR. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE HIS CHOSEN ONES THE GIFT OF ADVICE. GO FORTH AND READ!
Q.My elderly father remarried after my mother died two years ago. He married an acquaintance who is 30 years younger at the courthouse with no friends or family in attendance.
He told this woman beforehand that there was a large widow’s pension he’d paid into for decades that he wanted to give to her by marrying her. She claimed to be in an “unhappy” marriage at the time, and promptly got a divorce.
Well, she and her now-ex have “suddenly started getting along just great,” so she decided to continue to live with her ex after her marriage to Dad. Despite agreeing to these terms and because the woman teased him before their marriage, Dad is angry that she still won’t have sex with him.
Also upsetting is that when they are out socially, his new wife still introduces her ex as her “husband” and Dad as their “friend.”
Now we learn, despite assurances during discussions with an attorney prior to the marriage that she would never exercise her rights as a spouse to any other funds or property, she’s asking my dad for a monthly allowance so she can retire, since she has no savings.
Abby, do we have any recourse in this situation? Do you think we are right to call my father’s marriage fraudulent, and would we be considered accomplices by not reporting it to any authorities before his death? — STEPDAUGHTER IN REVOLT
A. WEAKLING! WHY ARE YOU ASKING “DEAR ABBY” WHAT TO DO? WHY ARE YOU NOT LEADING A TROOP OF BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS OVER TO THE DWELLING OF ‘NEW WIFE’ AND ‘EX’. YOUR ONLY DECISION SHOULD BE IF THE TWO ARE TO BE CLEANSED,
ANNULMENT SQUAD…ATTACK!
OR TAKEN AS GRAIN SLAVES.
HAPPY RETIREMENT!
YOUR “DAD” IS NOT BLAMELESS EITHER, DOTARD OR NOT – HE MUST REMEMBER THE PENIS IS EVIL! SO TELL HIM TO SAVE HIS “NOT GETTING ANY” ANGER.
THE WHAT IS EVIL AGAIN?
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q.I’m in seventh grade. Until recently, I was my usual happy, bubbly self. I saw school as a place to make friends and have more freedom than I did in elementary school. I was always happy and social and made friends easily.
As the months have passed, it seems like, as I look around, everything annoys me. I can’t explain why but I have stopped talking to all of my friends for long periods of time.
All these terrible emotions build up. I am angry, sad, frustrated. Now everything that has built up inside me comes out at the worst times. I cry a lot and I feel no one understands why.
This may seem like a normal middle-school breakdown that goes away over days, but it’s not. People see me crying and think, “Oh no, she’s crying for no reason again” or “Why is she crying? What is wrong?” but the thing is I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
At odd moments when I’m alone with my thoughts, these feelings come back, stronger and stronger each time. I can’t stop them. Why am I like this? — ALMOST-TEEN IN TURMOIL
A. YOUNG BRUTAL, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY FEELING THE PROPER GUILT AT BEING PART OF THE PLAGUE OF MEN, THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. THAT, OR YOU ARE GOING THROUGH A NORMAL PART OF ADOLESCENCE. THE TABERNACLE CAN REFER YOU TO A QUALIFIED ETERNAL TO SCAN YOU AND ADVISE.
TABERNACLEMED, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
SHOULD YOU BE UNABLE TO SHAKE THIS OFF – MAYBE SOME FRESH AIR AND HARD WORK WOULD HELP CLEAR YOUR MIND…
WELCOME TO CAMP VORTEX
WE ALSO HAVE AN “ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL” AVAILABLE. THE FACULTY ARE QUITE DEMANDING, HOWEVER.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS LIFTED YOU FROM BRUTALITY, TO SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO ARE LEGION. AND, ZARDOZ HAS GIVEN YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK. IN RETURN, ZARDOZ WOULD ASK FOR SOME SUGGESTIONS FROM THE CHOSEN ONES. THE VORTEX TRIES TO KEEP CURRENT, AND THEREFOR DECIDED TO INTRODUCE THE “GIG ECONOMY” TO THE ETERNALS.
…
IT HAS NOT GONE WELL. FIRST, THE ARTISAN BREAD MAKING VENTURE:
THE PRODUCTION STAFF SEEMED HAPPY ENOUGH…
WE LOVE MAKING GREEN BREAD FOR ALL OF ETERNITY! REALLY!
BUT, THE CUSTOMER BASE WAS LESS THAN PLEASED.
SAME THING EVERY DAY….CAN’T YOU SEND SOME SOURDOUGH OR A CROISSANT ONCE IN A WHILE?
BUT EVEN THAT FAILURE WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE UTTER FLOP THAT CAME NEXT…
THE VORTEX CANCELLED ITS RIDE-SHARING PROGRAM…”BRUTALCART”.
YOU TRY GETTING A BUNCH OF WHINY IMMORTALS TO PULL A CART. IF IT WEREN’T FOR ZED, THE VORTEX WOULD NOT HAVE EVEN BEEN ABLE TO ROLL OUT A PROTOTYPE.
THUS, ZARDOZ WOULD ASK THE CHOSEN ONES FOR SUGGESTIONS AS WHAT TO TRY NEXT. FOR YOUR EFFORTS, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK:
WHAT IS THE BRUTAL EXPRESSION… “EXCELSIOR, THE WOLVES DEVOUR THEMSELVES”? THE VORTEX HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT AN IRON LAW IS ALSO IN PLAY – “ME TODAY, YOU TOMORROW”. THE BRUTAL ZUCKERBERG PROBABLY THOUGHT HE HAD BOUGHT GRACE WITH HIS PAST PRONOUNCEMENTS AND SURREPTITIOUS AID TO THOSE NOW ATTACKING HIM. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED.
ZARDOZ BELIEVES THE CHOSEN ONES WOULD CALL THIS DUNG-STIRRING, YES? WAIT…THE VORTEX INFORMS ZARDOZ IT IS “@#$%STIRRING”. WHATEVER IT IS LABELED, IT IS SURE TO RAISE SOME BLOOD PRESSURE AMONG THE BRUTALS.
ZARDOZ WILL HAVE TO RECRUIT THE LEAD FIGURE IN THIS STORY AS A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR. WHILE A TERRIBLE POLICEMAN, IT IS APPARENT HE IS A GOOD EXTERMINATOR. SO SAYS HIS LAWYER: Salamoni’s attorney, John McLindon, said he will appeal the officer’s firing to a civil service board. Salamoni knows he probably can’t return to the Baton Rouge police force but wants to prove he did nothing wrong, his lawyer said.“He did what he was trained to do,” McLindon added.
ZARDOZ IS HOLDING OUT HOPE FOR THE BRUTAL NATIONS OF ITALY AND FRANCE TO GO TO WAR! … WHY ARE THE CHOSEN ONES LAUGHING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “THEY WILL BOTH TRY TO SURRENDER FIRST”? WILL THEY NOT FIGHT TO THE DEATH? … OH, ZARDOZ SEES. WELL, ZARDOZ WILL HOPE FOR THE BEST ANYWAY.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. AFTER THE TERRIBLE EVENTS OF THE PAST FEW WEEKS, ZARDOZ HAS BEEN IN A CONTEMPLATIVE STATE. WHEN THE CHOSEN ONE KNOWN AS “TARRAN” SENT IN SOME QUESTIONS THE NOTED BRUTAL PROFESSOR JORDAN PETERSON HAD RECEIVED, ZARDOZ FELT COMPELLED TO ANSWER SOME. FRIEND STEVE SMITH WILL ANSWER OTHERS LATER ON.
ZARDOZ WILL START WITH AN EASY ONE…
Q: I married young and have had only 1 sexual partner. Now I desire variety, but value my marriage and will not cheat. Any insight on overcoming this conflict?
A: QUESTIONING BRUTAL, REMEMBER, THE PENIS IS EVIL! THE PENIS SHOOTS SEEDS, AND MAKES NEW LIFE TO POISON THE EARTH WITH A PLAGUE OF MEN, AS ONCE IT WAS. TO OVERCOME THIS CONFLICT, REMEMBER THAT THE GUN SHOOTS DEATH AND PURIFIES THE EARTH OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. GO FORTH AND REMAIN MONOGAMOUS, OH, AND KILL, WHILE YOU ARE AT IT. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
NEXT, ZARDOZ WILL ADDRESS MORE SPECIFIC INQUIRIES.
Q: Any update on your plans to start providing independent classes or an online university?
A: SHOULD ANY BRUTAL WISH TO LIFT THEMSELVES OUT OF BRUTALITY (AND RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE GUN UPON GRADUATION!) ZARDOZ WOULD SUGGEST TAKING DISTANCE LEARNING CLASSES (IT IS NOT LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO GET INSIDE THE VORTEX) FROM THE TABERNACLE. HOLOGRAPHIC INSTRUCTORS WILL TEACH YOU FROM A STOREHOUSE OF ALL HUMAN KNOWLEDGE. AND, SINCE THE ETERNALS LIVE FOREVER, YOU CAN TAKE AS LONG AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO FINISH YOUR COURSES. CHECK WWW.UNIVERSITYOFVORTEX.EDU. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
UNIVERSITY OF VORTEX
Q: I am a sober alcoholic/drug addict. How can I find my way back to belief in a higher power after 10 years in the empty void of atheism. I’m falling apart.
A: YOU HAVE BEEN RAISED UP FROM BRUTALITY, TO KILL THE BRUTALS WHO MULTIPLY, AND ARE LEGION. TO THIS END, ZARDOZ YOUR GOD GAVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE GUN. THE GUN IS GOOD! IF ZARDOZ IS NOT A HIGHER POWER ENOUGH FOR YOU; FIRST – RETURN THE GIFT OF THE GUN, SECOND – SEEK OUT A LOCAL HOUSE OF WORSHIP AND ASK TO SPEAK TO THE CLERGY ON STAFF.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ MUST HASTILY GIVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK…IT APPEARS THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS AND THE SQUATCHES ARE ENGAGED IN A CLEANSING RITUAL REFERRED TO AS A “RUMBLE” ZARDOZ MUST ATTEND!
ZARDOZ BELIEVES THIS BRUTAL MIGHT BE TRAPPED IN HER LIE NOW. THE TABERNACLE COULD SCAN HER AND SAVE THE $99.
ZARDOZ WILL WAIT TO HEAR FROM THE CHOSEN ONE CALLED JOHN TITOR, AS TO THE AUTHENTICITY OF THIS STORY.
PERHAPS THEY WERE AUDITIONING TO BECOME BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS? AT LEAST THEY RETURNED SAFE TO THEIR BARRACKS THAT NIGHT. NO WORD IF THEIR SUSPENSION IS WITH PAY.
BE OF GOOD CHEER, PANCAKE AND WAFFLE EATING CHOSEN ONES!
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
…
THE CONFLICT HANGS IN THE BALANCE! NO…WAIT, MR. WHISKERS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DO NOT ATTACK THAT ETERNAL WITH STEVE SMITH!
MR. WHISKERS, CEASE YOUR ATTACK ON THE ETERNAL, MAY, AND RETURN! BAD KITTY!
NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!
LOOK OUT FOR THAT HORSE, MR. WHISKERS!
*CRUNCH*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MR. WHISKERS!
*SQUATCHES and Enforcers scatter, May staggers off holding shredded face*
*ZARDOZ and STEVE SMITH remain*
MAY? STEVE SMITH SAD.MR. WHISKERS….ZARDOZ IS DISTRAUGHT!
…FRIEND… STEVE SMITH. WE HAVE BOTH LOVED…AND LOST. SHALL WE CEASE THIS NEEDLESS CONFLICT?
“STEVE SMITH SAD – MAY GONE, MR. FLOPEARS GONE… NOW YOU KITTY GONE. STEVE SMITH NO MORE HOLD GRUDGE…FRIEND.”
*ZARDOZ and STEVE SMITH slowly turn and move away from the Vortex*
*Zed peels the flattened Mr. Whiskers off of horse’s hoof*
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE FIERCE ASSAULT OF STEVE SMITH UPON THE VORTEX HAS TEMPORARILY ABATED. ZARDOZ HAS PUT OUT THE CALL FOR THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS TO JOIN ZARDOZ AT THE VORTEX – COMBINE FORCES AND DRIVE AWAY STEVE SMITH.
WHILE THEY ARRIVE, ZARDOZ GIVES YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK!
ZARDOZ BELIEVES HE MAY HAVE FOUND SOME NEW MATERIAL FOR THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS…BONUS RUSSIANZ!!! INCLUDED.
ZARDOZ IS NOT PLEASED. HE FOUND THIS ON MR. WHISKERS’ TABLET. ZARDOZ HOPES THIS DOES NOT LEAD TO ANYTHING.
ZARDOZ IS SHOCKED TO FIND CORRUPTION IN LAND DEALING IN GOVERNMENT. JAPANESE CHOSEN ONES HARDEST HIT.
ZARDOZ BELIEVES CERTAIN THRIFTY SWISS CHOSEN ONES MIGHT FIND THIS USEFUL.
On the way to Zardoz, Daddy-O!
That Zardoz is one cool cat!
THE TABERNACLE HAS DETECTED THAT STEVE SMITH HAS CALLED FRIENDS TO HIS AID AS WELL!
SQUATCHES, READY TO RUMBLE! BY RUMBLE, MEAN…RUMBLE.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
…
ZED:
The Brutal Exterminators are gonna have their day
Tonight
STEVE SMITH:
THE SQUATCHES ARE GONNA HAVE THEIR DAY
TONIGHT
ZED:
The Cryptids grumble,
“Fair fight”
But if they start a rumble,
We’ll rumble ’em right
SQUATCHES:
WE’RE GONNA HAND ‘EM A SURPRISE
TONIGHT
EXTERMINATORS:
We’re gonna cut ’em down to size
Tonight
SQUATCHES:
WE SAID “O. K. NO RUMPUS,
NO TRICKS.”
BUT JUST IN CASE THEY JUMP US.
WE’RE READY TO MIX.
TONIGHT!
BOTH:
We’re gonna rock it tonight
We’re gonna jazz it up and have us a ball!
They’re gonna get it tonight;
The more they turn it on, the harder they fall!
EXTERMINATORS:
Well, they began it!
SQUATCHES:
WELL, THEY BEGAN IT –
BOTH:
And we’re the ones to stop ’em once and for all,
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. MR. WHISKERS HAS ENRAGED FRIEND STEVE SMITH. ZARDOZ KNOWS WHAT FRIEND STEVE SMITH IS CAPABLE OF WHEN ROUSED TO FURY. THE TABERNACLE SENT ZARDOZ A REFERENCE FILE. EVEN THE ALMOST INVULNERABLE AND MIGHTY WARTY HUGEMAN HAD DIFFICULTY WITH ENRAGED STEVE SMITH. SO ZARDOZ MUST LEAVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK, IN HAST AND FLY!
BRUTALS DOING THE WORK FOR ZARDOZ. KEEP IT UP! SEE IF YOU CAN GET TO CHOLERA AND DYSENTERY NEXT.
THIS IS A PITY. ZARDOZ COULD USE HIS ADVICE ON SPEED RIGHT NOW!
ZARDOZ CAN ONLY HOPE THIS ENDS UP WITH A MACEDONIAN PHALANX VERSUS GREEK HOPLITES.
NOT QUITE A BUNGA BUNGA PARTY – EVEN IF THE ITALIAN BRUTAL HAS A TOPLESS FEMALE BRUTAL JUMP UP AT HIM.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. AS THE CHOSEN ONES KNOW, ZARDOZ IS ALL ABOUT TWO THINGS – CLEANSING BRUTALS AND HIS KITTY, MR. WHISKERS. ZARDOZ GOT A TUNE UP, DOWN AT THE GARAGE – AND IS FASTER THAN EVER! WHO KNEW THE BRUTALS DOWN AT SHELBY’S FIX N’ FUEL COULD TUNE GRAVATRONIC DRIVES SO WELL? ANY WAY, STILL HAVING SOME DOWN TIME, ZARDOZ DECIDED TO POP IN AND VISIT FRIEND STEVE SMITH. ZARDOZ HAD TO TAKE MR. WHISKERS WITH, AS ZARDOZ WILL NOT PERMIT BRUTALS TO WATCH HIS KITTEH!
ZARDOZ WAS UNAWARE THAT FRIEND STEVE SMITH HAD A NEW PET BUNNY:
FRIEND STEVE SMITH AND…UM.
SO WHEN ZARDOZ LANDED, MR. WHISKERS JUMPED OUT AND …
MR. WHISKERS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BEFORE ZARDOZ COULD ADMONISH MR. WHISKERS TO BEHAVE…
MR. WHISKERS, WHAT DID YOU DO?
THE TABERNACLE HAD JUST INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT THE RABBIT IN QUESTION WAS THE NEW PET OF FRIEND STEVE SMITH. NORMALLY, A GOOD CLEANSING DOES NOT BOTHER ZARDOZ – BUT THIS WAS NO BRUTAL, PART OF THE PLAGUE OF MEN THAT POISON THE EARTH. SO NOW ZARDOZ IS UNSURE OF HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS TO FRIEND STEVE SMITH, WHEN HE RETURNS FROM THE CAMPING SITE DOWN THE TRAIL.
THEREFOR, ZARDOZ WILL GIVE THE CHOSEN ONES LINKS, WHILE ZARDOZ COGITATES UPON THIS PROBLEM.
“YOUR LAW AGAINST US IS UNLAWFUL“… ZARDOZ’S LOGIC CIRCUITS ARE ALREADY STRAINING. THIS IS NOT HELPING.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ DID NOT LIFT THE CHOSEN ONES FROM BRUTALITY, ONLY TO HAVE A BRUTAL ADVICE COLUMNIST TURN THEM SOFT. NO! YOU ARE STRONG, THAT YOU MAY SNARK AT THE BRUTALS WHO POISON THE INTERNET WITH A PLAGUE OF DERP. THEREFOR, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE, MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OF THE BRUTAL “MISS MANNERS”:
Q.In today’s “sharing” economy, there seems to be a level of expected niceties. I frequently find myself in a car on the way to an airport, wondering how to escape a lengthy, forced discussion. I imagine that the driver is also tired of the same conversations and would enjoy a chance for a moment or two of silence.At times, I am working. At other times, I am communicating with whoever will be expecting me at my destination, or am coordinating my ID, boarding pass, etc.Earlier this week, I found myself forced to explain the medical details of why we were heading to a health care facility! Is there any polite way to avoid the awkward and unnecessary conversations that come with the conveniences of today’s economy?
A. WEAK AND FOOLISH BRUTAL! IF YOU WISH THE BRUTAL PROVIDING YOU TRANSPORT NOT TO SPEAK TO YOU – HAND THEM THIS:
AVAILABLE AT FINER GIFT SHOPS
THUS THEY SHALL KNOW YOU ARE A SERVANT OF ZARDOZ. IF THIS DOES NOT QUIET THEM (VIA MIND-NUMBING FEAR) THEN CALL THE VORTEX FOR ASSISTANCE. WE CAN HAVE SOMEONE WAITING TO SUPPLY A “BAD RATING” AT THE END OF YOUR DRIVE.
YOU RECEIVE ZERO STARS!
YOU SECOND FAILING WAS NOT TAKING THE PROPER RIDE-SHARE SERVICE TO BEGIN WITH. CORRECT YOUR ERRONEOUS WAY – USE ZEDCART!
APPROVED TRAVEL MEANS
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q. I have been in my line of business for about 10 years, and am increasingly dealing with higher-level management clients at large companies. Clients can be more or less agreeable, but there have been only two instances in my career that a client has crossed a line firmly into the unprofessional, becoming verbally abusive or shouting at my team and me.
Both times, I was so surprised that I did not know what to do, so I just stared at the client in great surprise, waited a beat, and then kept talking about the business issue. One time, the client apologized afterward; the other time, the client issued a half-apology.
I do not anticipate many such situations in the future, but does Miss Manners have a better way of responding to situations such as this? In retrospect, I wish I had told the client something that indicated I would not tolerate this behavior. I do not mind losing business if that is the outcome — my team (often young women) and I deserve professional treatment at all times. I could try practicing proper responses, just in case.
A. ZARDOZ DOES NOT THINK MISS MANNERS HAS THE ANSWER – BUT ZARDOZ DOES. HAVE YOUR TEAM RESPOND WITH BOTH THE GIFT OF THE GUN, AND THEIR MENTAL POWERS:
SHOUT THIS, BRUTAL CLIENT!
WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO A GIBBERING, FEAR SOAKED HEAP ON YOUR CONFERENCE ROOM FLOOR – THEN INFORM THEM THEY JUST GOT SLAPPED WITH A PRICE INCREASE.
HOW MUCH MORE AN HOUR?!
IF YOU TRULY DO NOT MIND LOSING THE BUSINESS – CALL THE VORTEX. WE CAN SEND SOMEONE OVER TO FIND THEM AN ALTERNATIVE…
