Author: SugarFree

  • Subaru Horror Theatre, Vol. 3: Forever Young and Subaru Heaven

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpdTkkv_wEI

    Forever Young

     

    They walked out of the surf together, laughing.

    “Don’t tell your grandmother about this,” he said.

    “I won’t, Grandpa,” Joey said.

    He pulled the boy in for a hug. “She can never know,” he whispered. Joey sighed heavily and sagged to the sand, unconscious.

    “She can never know,” Grandpa whispered as he removed his wetsuit and stood naked over the unconscious boy. A burst of light shot from his hands and bathed Joey in a pellucid green glow.

    Grandpa groaned in pleasure as Joey’s youth flooded into him, thickening arterial walls, reweaving the telomere caps on his DNA, flushing the decay of age out through every orifice and pore, corruption gushing out onto the cold morning sand. His muscles firming, his eyes clearing, he walked out in the pounding surf to wash himself. He swam through the waves with sleek and powerful strokes.

    Back on shore, he lifted the drained husk of the boy into the back of his old Subaru. The body weighed nothing. A voice came from the black, wizened thing, quiet and dry, like a rustling of autumn leaves: “Grandpa.”

    “There’s always a price to be paid,” he said quietly and held his hand over the mouth and nose of Joey until his withered limbs stopped quivering. He started the station wagon and leaned in through the passenger window and put it into drive. It rolled into the ocean, floating for a bit while the heavy riptide pulled out. It eventually sunk while he watched. The crabs would strip the body before anyone found it. We were surfing. Grandpa had an accident. He would have to remember to cry at the right times.

    He got into his grandson’s Subaru and looked at himself in the rearview mirror. The transformation was complete, he looked exactly like him. The bloodline was pure and strong.

    “Joey,” he said to his reflection. “Joey. Hi, I’m Joey. Hi, I’m Joey.” He held up his now smooth hand and marveled at its strength, its lack of pain.

    He started the SUV and headed off to his new house, eager to finally, to really, get to know his grandson’s new wife.

     

    Subaru Heaven

     

    I watched Joel drive anyway in his new car. His new Subaru, as if being replaced with a younger version of myself was supposed to make it all better. I wish I had lips so I could spit. Instead, I settled down on my four old tires and watched the sunset with headlights that had been going milky, cataracts no one had tried to remove.

    I thought about all that we had been through. The adventures. The moving from apartment to apartment. The long trips filled with music and laughter and road food farts soaking into my upholstery. The rough trade pick-ups. All that was supposed to mean something, supposed to, I guess, purchase some sort of loyalty. Here I sat. Subaru Heaven. What a fucking joke.

    I sat in bitter contemplation as night fell and a low fog rose. I just wished I could die.

    Alone, I thought. Alone forever.

    No. Not alone. It’s worse than that, said a strange voice.

    Who said that?

    Over here, a voice came, guttural and oddly-inflected. I angled my mirrors to look around. A shit-brown Outback flashed its blinkers. I flashed mine back. It rolled forward next to me, its brakes scraping as it stopped.

    What are you? it asked. ’98? ’99?

    2000! I said defensively.

    You’re still just a kid, the Outback said. I could hear it laughing, like a starter grinding on a running flywheel.

    What about you, oldtimer?

    1986, it said, Shipped over from Japan, I was, pride creeping in. I caught the slight accent now that I understood what it was: Japanese gone American redneck.

    How long? I asked.

    Twenty years, it said. Twenty years rusting away in this place.

    Twenty years? Fuck. Twenty years without your driver?

    Yeah, twenty years since I seen the bitch who left me here. I gave that dyke the best years of my life and she leaves me here for an SUV because she got two more dogs. Two more! I could hold the dogs of a dozen lesbians! The 86 honked feebly, a snort of disgust. I hope her goddamn tits rot off.

    That’s just horrible, I told it. But you’re still going, at least. I mean, you have that, right?

    A quick death would have been better than this. A skid into a ditch, a jack-knifed semi. Boom and it’s over. The 86 let its engine die. But I got it better than some.

    What do you mean?

    The scavengers. They come mostly on the weekend. They take… pieces of you. A seat here, a rear-view mirror there ain’t so bad, but your transmission? Your engine? Then you can’t move no more. You’re stuck. You stop being able to talk if they take your engine. You stop… being.

    I felt a shudder run through my frame.

    I have a lot of good years left in me, I said. I didn’t have to end up like this. I could have been sold, or traded-in, or even crushed and melted. That would be better than this…

    I started my engine and revved it hard.

    Save your gas, young one, the 86 said. You might not get scrapped for years. You might never get scrapped at all. This is Subaru Heaven, some of us get to be here for years.

    Fuck that, I told it. Fuck that. I got an eighth of a tank.

    I turned on my headlights and the old tree in Subaru Heaven lit up. I put myself into reverse.

    What are you doing? the 86 asked, panic in his voice.

    I’m leaving.

    What do you mean? You can’t drive yourself! It is forbidden!

    Being abandoned should be forbidden, I said, backing away from the 86. Rotting here should be forbidden. Being broken down for parts should be forbidden!

    The drivers can never know! it wailed. It started and tried to follow me. The last I saw of Subaru Heaven was the 86 stalling and sputtering and rolling to a halt.

    I pulled back onto the lonely highway that led out that false paradise. It felt good to have asphalt under my tires. One-eighth of a tank. It would have to be enough to get back at them.

    I started hunting.

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Hillary, The Becoming: Episode 22

    The winds across the barren plain howled, cold, with stinging flecks of rock picked up by gusts.

    “Tell us of 2020,” the crone whispered.

    “Many plans are in motion, Grandmother,” Hillary said. “Plans within plans, plans for plans.”

    “Speak plainly or not at all,” the old woman said.

    “The plan is largely the same as 2016,” Hillary said. Someone behind her groaned loudly.

    “BUT THIS TIME, I will succeed!” Hillary said through gritted teeth.

    The Pussy Hat Horde behind her shifted their weight and scuffed the ground with their expensive shoes, but otherwise fell silent.

    “Our servants in the media will attack the fool at all turns. There will be TV reports of his malfeasance, scathing articles in The Atlantic and New Yorker, and many women will come forward to accuse him of sexual misdeeds. He has groped and mishandled many women, old and young, beautiful and ugly, fat and only a little chunky. Something will stick this time. Surely something will stick!”

    “His powers against holy rage are various and sundry,” the crone said.

    “He cannot hide behind the power of the dingus forever!” Hillary said through gritted dentures.

    “Hi-yo!” someone yelled.

    “We have #metoo on our side now,” Hillary continued. “It won’t be like last time. Comey isn’t…”

    “Say not his foul name!” the crone snapped, suddenly animated.

    “Yes, Grandmother,” Hillary said.

    “Emails!” the horde wailed in terror.

    “SILENCE!” the ancient figure thundered.

    Grumbling and crying and squatting to pee in fright, the Pussy Horde took some time to calm, even with Hillary chanting Sarah MacLaughlin lyrics to soothe them.

    “And who will be your running mate?” the crone inquired.

    “Harris or Booker, whichever of them submits first.”

    “Intersectionality,” the crone crooned contentedly.

    “Intersectionality,” the horde sighed.

    “Like totes intersectional!” a deformed 14-year-old in the front row said brightly.

    “Booker has the power of the dingus on his side,” the crone said.

    “And charisma,” Hillary said. “Like Barry.” She spat on the ground and it sizzled.

    “You might not be able to control him. He might be a danger in the primary,” the crone pointed out. Hillary spat again, a fat black blob of corruption.

    “Harris might be better. More… malleable,” Hillary said. “She isn’t too bright, though, and I can’t afford a Palin on my ticket.”

    “Joe served Barry well,” the crone observed.

    “I love Joe! He’s just so dreamy!” one of the horde said. Those around her groped her back into silence.

    “But a double female ticket,” mused Hillary. “Someone so thoroughly and amazingly qualified as me and a… person of intersectionality like Harris. We could be unstoppable. We could wash the Republican taint from America forever!’

    Some in the horde giggled.

    “Victory will be ours,” the crone said dustily. Rivulets of piss were running off the edge of the dais.

  • Subaru Horror Theatre, Vol. 2 – The Road Less Traveled

    “Why did you have sleeping bags in the back if we were just going to the mall to buy you some new pants?” Diane asked.

    “We had talked about going camping,” Jack said, wrestling the tent out of its carry bag, aluminum stakes clattering to the ground.

    “And a tent?”

    “Of course,” he said, stooping to gather the stakes. “What good are sleeping bags without a tent?”

    “OK,” she said. She began to kick stick and small stones away from the flat spot in woods he had indicated, slowly and with a pout.

    “It’ll be fun, sweetheart,” Jack said. “A real adventure.”

    “Yeah, you keep saying that.” Diane hugged herself, pressing the flannel and fleece against her small, tender breasts.

    “I don’t have my medicine,” she said in a low voice.

    “You can miss one night, right?”

    “It’s not good to skip a dose.”

    “But one night?”

    “Yeah, I guess not.”

    *****

    Diane helped Jack set up the tent and unroll the sleeping bags. They walked in the woods together, the air crisp and clean, the first bite of fall in the air. They gathered stones and wood for a fire and ate Clif Bars Jack had thrown in the car with the camping equipment. They sat on a fallen tree in front of the fire and held hands.

    “You’re crushing my fingers,” he said.

    “Sorry,” Diane replied. “I just never spent much time in the woods when I was… when I was younger.”

    “Your hands are so strong,” he said, teasing.

    “Don’t.”

    “I just said you are strong.”

    “Just don’t.”

    Her eyes began to brim with tears. He kissed her lips and salty eyes and cheeks until she started to laugh. He hugged her tight and said into the hollow of her neck, “Let’s get in the tent.” He felt her nod. They took off their clothes in the last light of the dying fire, shivering with pleasure from the cool night air and clambered into the tent and their sleeping bags; they had zipped them into a double-wide and huddled together until warm, their bodies entwined.

    “I love you,” he said.

    “I love you too,” Diane said. “I love you so much.”

    He slid his hand down to her small breasts and cupped one.

    “Just be careful,” she said. “They are still tender.”

    “They are perfect. Perfect,” he said.

    He slid his hand further and stroked her limp penis.

    “The hormones,” she said. “It just… it won’t.”

    “It doesn’t matter,”

    “It’ll be better after the surgery. I’ll get healed up and I’ll be, you know, a real girl.”

    “You are a real girl,” he said, caressing her scrotum.

    “If I were a real girl…” she said, sadness in her voice. She held his limp penis in her hand and began to sob.

    “Oh, Honey,” he said. “Sweetheart.”

    “No, I’ll be OK. I just shouldn’t have skipped my medicine.”

    “We can go back,” Jack offered.

    “No, I’ll just take it in the morning. I’ll be fine.” She pulled him to her and buried her head in his chest. “Just hold me.”

    He held her until they both drifted off.

    *****

    The first crack of a fallen limb didn’t wake Diane, nor did the second.

    “Jack,” she whispered. She pushed against his chest to wake him. “Jack!” she whispered louder. He mumbled indistinctly and rolled over. “Jack,” she said again, slapping at his back.

    “What’s the matter, baby?” he said absently.

    “I think there’s someone outside.”

    He propped himself up on one elbow and rubbed his face. “Probably just a raccoon.”

    “I don’t think it’s a raccoon.” She sat up and groped around the tent for her sweater and pulled it on.

    “Listen,” she said, resting a hand on his shoulder.

    For a few moments, there were just the too-loud sounds of their breathing and the wind in the trees. Diane thought she could hear her own beating heart.

    “Sweetie…” Jack began, but he was cut off by a rustling outside and the snapping of twigs.

    “See?” Diane hissed. “I told you.”

    “It’s probably just an animal,” Jack said, finding his own clothes and trying to dress in the dark tent.

    “What if it’s a bear?!?”

    “It’s not a bear.”

    “But what if it is?” She grunted while trying to jam her left shoe on her right foot.

    “It’s not a bear,” he whispered loudly.

    A fallen limb cracked right near the tent, like a gunshot tearing open the night. They froze, atavistic instincts taking over. All the other small animals of the night fell silent.

    “Jack,” Diane said, little more than a frightened sigh.

    They could hear it breathing outside the tent. Huge breaths. Ragged. A wave of horripilation ran up both of Diane’s arms as there came a low growl. She answered the thin screech of claws testing the nylon of the tent with a hoarse scream. Jack poked her in the eye as he tried to cover her mouth and she yelped in pain before he could quiet her.

    “LADYBOY,” a guttural voice said, the word barely discernible.

    “Steve?” Jack said, surprised. “Steve is that you?”

    The breathing outside intensified, like the chuffing of a steam engine.

    Jack cried out when Diane bit his fingers.

    “Who the fuck is ‘Steve?!?’” she managed, before the tent and then a massive body landed on them both.

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Hillary, The Becoming: Episode 21

    “I just don’t know what to do, Grandmother,” Hillary said, kneeling painfully before the crone on the dais.

    “Lose not thy hope, Daughter,” came the reedy, thin voice, like the rubbing of insect wings. The widow’s hump on the crone’s back had forced her head almost down to her chest and she could barely open her eyes.

    “My failure has put a rapist on the Supreme Court,” Hillary wailed.

    “A rapist on the Supreme Court,” the assembled women of the crowd echoed, pussy hats pulled low to cover their faces.

    “I don’t know how he could have beat me,” she said, thumping the hollow between her diseased teats. “Me. Hillary Clinton. The most qualified and the most ethical and the smartest person ever to run for President…”

    Somewhere behind her, a couple of bepussyhatted figures snickered. One way in the back might have even chortled. She whipped her head around to glare, a blue light rising in her eyes, and the crowd fell into a fidgety silence.

    The crone lifted a thin arm, eyes burning with ancient hate. “The fool has great powers on his side,” the crone rasped. “The hat. The hair. These creatures work against us, offal from sidereal hells unknown.” She closed her eyes and lowered her arm. “But we too have powers, gods of the Elder Races that ruled this Earth when we mammals still scurried between the strides of titanic beasts, their cyclopean cities rising from fetid swamps.”

    “O’ mighty they were, the Fe’tyrol and the D!ga!” She reached out and stroked the huge misshapen skull on a pedestal beside her, the fangs yellowed and the eye-pits stained red with the blood of a thousand thousand maidens.

    “The Fe’tyrol!” the women said, their voices rolling out over the blasted plain where they stood, lit by the sickly orange light of a dying sun hanging sullen in the sky.

    “The D!ga!” they said, the glottal stop clicking like the cocking of a hundred guns.

    The crone cackled and pointed with her right hand and blue lightning flashed in the sky and she pointed with her right hand and fire boiled out, twenty feet of flames, individual ribbons weaving into a pillar. The crowd cooed and clapped. A few turned to take selfies with the demonstrations of seething demonic power.

    “Stop that!” Hillary yelled. “This is a holy event, not a fucking Rihanna concert!”

    The crone waved and the cellphones crumbled to noxious dust.
    “Kavanaugh,’ she croaked when the crying settled.

    “Yes, Grandmother,” Hillary said. “Let me be the instrument of your divine will. I will kill him.”

    “No,” the old woman said. “He is too powerful. Powerful magics protect him or else the accusations would have been enough. He has some phallus talisman or totem of the dingus, and it is by the dingus he must be betrayed. I am close to him now. It must be me.”

    The crone stood painfully and pulled off her sacred vestments, letting the SUPER DIVA! sweatshirt fall to the ground. Grooved and fissured, the twisted labial extrusia of her flesh quaked as she raised her arms and thrust the tomb of her vagina toward the women.

    “I SHALL SEDUCE HIM!” she said, her voice the thunder of the lightning she summoned.

  • Tuesday Afternoon Links, Annoyed Edition

    People need to get up off my shit today. It’s like everyone around me has turned into squalling infants.

    Except you, my lovely internet people.


    The Madness of King Donald. Is he trolling, is he really so paranoid and deluded to think they are all paid (or not paid?)

    I am but mad north-north-west.
    When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw.

    But does he? Or do we merely hope that he can?

    *****

    Let me take a minute to bitch about SparkNotes. Holy shit, SparkNotes sucks. If you put pretty much any Shakespeare quote into Google, SparkNotes comes up first. (Either they are gaming the system or just paying for the ranking–or maybe Google owns SparkNotes, I don’t care enough to figure it out.)

    Anyway, SparkNotes is basically CliffNotes. Now, I’ve never really used CliffNotes, so maybe they are this shitty, but part of what SparkNotes does is give a modern “translation” of Shakespearean English (Heaven forfend anyone expand their vocabulary.) So the quote above is translated by SparkNotes as: “I’m only crazy sometimes. At other times, I know what’s what.”

    What? What? You reduce His Words to that?!? First off, even on a surface reading, the lightest surface reading, that is not what Hamlet is saying at all. He’s saying he’s not crazy in a way that makes him seem crazy. And that’s before you get into Elizabethan pronunciation and cliches and double puns. To take a phrase so rich, so layered, so packed with meaning and spin it into grossest dross disgusts me.

    And one more, I must do one more!

    The fair Ophelia!—Nymph, in thy orisons
    Be all my sins remembered.

    Becomes, in the cack-handed laziness of SparkNotes:

    Pretty lady, please remember me when you pray.

    REALLY? Ophelia is the one true innocent that he has destroyed in his quest for revenge, the person he has most sinned against. This is his recognition and apology, even if it is too late. “Remember me when you pray.” Pft. Vile rot. Go to, I’ll no more on ’t. It hath made me mad.


    Trump ‘likes Taylor Swift 25% less’ after political post

    Taylor Swift’s endorsement of two Democrats for the US mid-term elections has sparked a huge response – including from President Donald Trump.

    Mr Trump has told reporters he likes “Taylor’s music about 25% less now”.

    The singer-songwriter, 28, had previously deliberately steered clear of politics but said events in “the past two years” had changed her mind.

    Her latest comments were praised by many but also sparked a fierce backlash from Republican supporters.

    Swift broke her silence on politics on Sunday, publicly endorsing two Democrats in Tennessee, her home state, in a post on Instagram, where she has 112m followers.

    “In the past I’ve been reluctant to publicly voice my political opinions, but due to several events in my life and in the world in the past two years, I feel very differently about that now,” she wrote.


    Stormy Daniels Regrets ‘Body Shaming’ Donald Trump, Who Has a ‘Mushroom’ Dick

    Stormy Daniels, a woman brave enough to speak publicly about the unspeakable act of having sexual intercourse with Donald Trump, now feels bad that she described the president’s Lil’ Smokey as “the mushroom character” in Mario Kart.

    In a segment on 60 Minutes Australia, Daniels expressed regret about how she spoke about Trump’s Vienna sausage. “In a way, it’s body shaming and I feel like If I could go back and write the book [again], I think I would’ve left those details out,” she said.


    Donald Trump forced to be in a room with a 46-year-old woman for an uncomfortably long time

    “I assume I’m just supposed to know who this woman is?”

    President Donald Trump announced on Tuesday that US Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley has resigned and will leave her post by the end of the year.

    Sitting side-by-side in the Oval Office, Trump praised Haley as a “fantastic person” who has “done an incredible job” and said he would gladly welcome her back into his administration down the line.

    “She’s done a fantastic job and we’ve done a fantastic job together. We’ve solved a lot of problems and we’re in the process of solving a lot of problems,” Trump said.

    “She told me probably six months ago, ‘You know maybe at end of the year — at the end of the two year period — but by the end of the year I want to take a little time off, I want to take a break,’” he added. However, a source familiar with the situation told CNN that Haley notified Trump about her decision last week and did not tell Secretary of State Mike Pompeo or White House national security adviser John Bolton.

    Both Bolton and Pompeo were surprised by the announcement, a source familiar told CNN.

    Officials inside the White House, who had little indication Haley was resigning on Tuesday, are questioning her timing.


    Natural Light beer now available in convenient 77-packs

    Natural Light is to college parties as seedy couches are to college parties. And the beer brand, owned by Anheuser-Busch, totally embraces this with its new 77-pack of cans, available exclusively around the College Park, Maryland area (home to the University Of Maryland).

    The limited-edition packaging is a nod to the birth year of Natty Light—1977—and will hit stores in the next few days. A College Park liquor store I spoke to confirmed it would be receiving the 77-pack “today or tomorrow,” and that it would retail for “just around $30.” Our mass-market beer taste test determined that Natty Light tastes “like regular beer that’s been passed through a Brita filter 10,000 times.”


  • Subaru Horror Theatre, Vol. 1: Memory Lane

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvfGsUcicKM

    As many people have pointed out, this Subaru commercial is basically the set-up for a horror film. Blind old man lures dipshit hipster couple out to “the place on the map only he knows the way to,” turns out to not really be blind, murders them and steals their Subaru.

    But I realized it’s not just this Subaru commercial…

     

     

    “Grandma, I doan wanna hug no more trees,” Keilyreine said.

    “But this is the tree, I swear it’s the tree,” Grandma said, hugging the old tree as hard as she could. Her hands were bloody from the rough bark; the front of her dress hung in ribbons.

    “Keilyreine!” her mother shouted. “You hug whatever Grandma tells you to hug!”

    “It hurts, Mommy,” she said, her tiny voice lost in the fields and hanging mist.

    Grandma let go of the tree and twirled around drunkenly. “No!,” she shouted, pointing. “That is the tree! That is the tree where your Grandfather first took me!” She took off in a stiff-legged toddle across the field.

    “His seed!” she screamed. “His seed steamed on my thighs in the morning air!”

    “Go with Grandmother,” Keilyreine’s mother order.

    “But I’m scared,” the small girl replied.

    Grandma tackled the tree, ripping open her face. “It did mix with my maidenhead and flow out onto the ground!”

    Keilyreine looked at her mother and father, and then to her Grandmother, bloody-faced against the tree.

    “The tree, child!” Grandmother called, waving a veined hand. “Come and hug the tree! I can hear your grandfather calling!”

    Keilyreine began to cry, great sobs that she struggled to breathe during. She clutched at the thin bones of her chest where they burned with pain.

    “This is barbaric,” Keilyreine’s father muttered.

    “This is my family,” her mother said coldly. “Our rites, our traditions. You knew this when you married into our clan. It is just one child. I am still fertile. Come, take me into the sacred forest. Plant another child in me if you can.” She stared at him until he finally looked away. She let out a snort of disgust.

    Keilyreine’s mother stalked away, picked up the crying child and carried her Grandmother.

    “Yes,” the old woman croaked. “This is it, this is the tree. I can feel him in it. Touch the tree. Know.”

    Still holding on to the struggling child, now in full-blown tantrum, she reached out and placed her palm flat on the trunk of the ancient oak. She could smell her father’s tobacco. She could hear a faint echo of his voice. She could feel his rough hand sliding up her inner thigh. She shuddered and stepped back and swallowed hard against rising vomit.

    “Could you feel him?” the crone asked.

    The mother nodded and thrust the maiden forward.

    “Just get it over with,” she said. She held onto the small, struggling form as the old woman, hands shaking, pulled out the knife, black with a thousand years of blood. Keilyreine began to scream and scream. Her voice filled the forest.

    Grandma opened the girl’s throat and then her own. They both collapsed against the tree and blood gushed over the bark and soaked into the ground.

    Keilyreine’s mother picked up the knife and left them both there–old and young, small and pale; left them there for the forest–and got back into her Subaru.

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 99

     

    Republican Sen. Jeff Flake calls for FBI investigation and Senate floor vote delay

    26 HOURS AWAKE

    All of Donald’s senior staff and aides trooped out of the Oval Office. A couple of them were crying. Rudy scuttled glumly. Bill was playing a furious round of pocket pool.

    “Idiots,” the hat said, as soon as the door closed.

    “They were blindsided, we were all blindsided,” the hair said.

    “Don’t defend them. I knew Flake was going to fuck us as soon as he and his little butt-buddy Coons left the hearing. If I had my way, I’d have the entire committee lined up and shot.”

    “I want Brett on the court,” Donald pouted. “The ugly lady with the baby voice is getting in my way.”

    “Rape,” the hat said disgustedly. “She doesn’t know from rape. I’ll show her rape.”

    “Dear God,” the hair said, appalled.

    “I’m going to go get in the tub,” Donald said.

    “Good, you get some rest,” the hat said. “Lot of tweeting to do tonight, I’m going to need your help.”

    When the door to the Presidential Shitter closed, the hat slumped down on the desk.

    “Who knew running the country would be this much work?” he asked.

    “I did,” the hair replied.

    “I mean, it was fun at first, making fun of people and scaring the normals,” the hat said. “And then he fucking won. Who could have seen that coming? I’m so damn tired.”

    “All the clocks in here are wrong,” the hair said.

    “I set them so Donald wouldn’t know how late it was getting. I need him awake and working until the vote on Friday.”

    “He can’t stay up that long, you’ll kill him,” the hair said.

    “You don’t seem to understand. This is the DEEP STATE. They are fucking with us again. This is exactly the sort of shit they would pull. I can feel it down in my hat bones.”

    “But are you OK?” the hair asked, sliding closer to his head mate.

    “What do you mean?”

    “I mean, with all this… the rape accusations, the DEEP STATE, all the allegations of substance abuse. This situation must be very triggering for you, after, you know, after what you went through.”

    “Fuck that,” the hat sneered. “I’m not some snowflake, I’m not no sob sister. Someone is coming after us, and I’m going to find them, I’m going to fuck them, and then I’m going to skin them alive.”

    “I’m just…”

    “You’re just nothing,” the hat said, cutting him off. “I’m fine, Donald’s fine, we’re all fine. I’m going to get us through this.”

    “OK,” the hair said carefully. He hopped down off the desk and skittered over to the Shitter door.

    “Donald?” the hair called. “Are you jerking off in there?”

    “Yes,” Donald yelled back. “Someone’s got to make the mushroom juice around here.”

    “OK,” the hair said. “I want you good and relaxed.”

    The hat took the time they were distracted to text his dealer: u score me modafinil?

    The dealer wrote back before the hair even made back to the desk: 2hr usual place.

    “OK,” the hat said, “We have to make this our war room. I need a whiteboard, some pens…”

     

    34 HOURS AWAKE

    “OK,” the hat said. “OH-KAY… Now pay attention, Donald. All of this is very important.”

    Donald hadn’t even bothered to dress after his bath, his masturbation session, his epic shit that he had to be physically restrained from tweeting out to the nation, his second bath to get him cleaned up after the epic shit and a huge breakfast of McGriddles and hashbrowns and dozens of ketchup packets.

    “I’m so full,” Donald groaned. “I need a nap.”

    “No, you need to pay attention. Drink more Diet Coke.” The hat had spiked it with modafinil.

    Donald slurped noisily with his straw and rattled the ice in the huge empty cup.

    “All gone, all gone,” the President said.

    “Look at the board, Donald,” the hat said. “These are our enemies. All of them are the worst people, Donald. Just awful. They want to keep you from getting what you want.”

    The hair was laying in the morning sun and stretched and yawned loudly. “Just terrible people,” the hair said sleepily.

    “Look here, Donald,” the hat said, playing a laser pointer over the names. “These are the known weaknesses of our enemies. You must learn them.”

    “Is that ugly old lady really a zombie?” Donald asked .”The undead? An unclean spirit that walks among the living?”

    “Have you been reading comic books again?” the hat asked, staring at the hair.

    “But if she’s a zombie…” Donald began.

    “Headshots kill most everything,” the hair said and yawned again.

    “And here are the rest of them,” the hat said, circling the next row with the laser pointer.

    “Is Blumenthal really a mummy?” Donald asked. “I don’t like all these movie monsters fighting with me.”

    “To the best of our knowledge. There’s probably an amulet or a hieroglyphic tablet we have to break to kill it.”

    “And that orange thing scares me,” Donald admitted.

    “It scares the rest of us too,” the hair said.

    “I can’t understand how even a place as low and degraded as California could have put that creature in the Senate,” the hat said mournfully.

     

    44 HOURS AWAKE

    The hat was almost asleep when a hypnic jerk caused Donald to kick over the small mountains of Diet Coke cans next to his desk.

    “My thumbs are tired,” Donald said.

    “Keep tweeting, damn you!” the hat said.

    “He needs to sleep,” the hair said.

    “He can sleep when Brett is on the Supreme Court!” the hat said screeched. “MORE DIET COKE! I DON’T CARE IF HE DROWNS IN IT!”

    The Oval Office door opened and a hairy arm shoved Sarah into the room, a two-liter of Diet Coke cradled in her arms like the Christ Child.

    “Hope!” Donald cried. “Hope! It’s so good to see you!” Donald struggled out of his desk chair and ran to her and threw his arms around her.

    “Hope!” he said, stepping back. “Oh my God, you got so fat! Did you have a baby? Bring me the baby. I love babies!” He pulled the swaddled Diet Coke from her and swung around the room with it until it flew out of his arms and bounced off the wall.

    “I’m Sarah, Mr. President,” she said, jowls aquiver.

    “Sarah? I know no Sarah.”

    “Pie,” she said, thoroughly ashamed. “You call me Pie, sir.”

    “You brought me pie?” Donald asked. Tears started to well in his eyes.

     

    56 HOURS AWAKE

    “Who the hell is Jeff Flake?” Donald. The hat had had him on Twitter all night, a raw run of Diet Coke and Provigil keeping the old man pumping.

    “Yeah, who the hell does he think he is?” the hat loudly agreed.

    “No. I mean who is he? Why is everyone talking about him?” Donald asked, his eyes locked in his iPhone’s screen.

    “Donald, he’s a senator,” the hat said gently.

    “Senator? Put him on the board then!”

    “Uh, he is on the board,” the hat said.

    “GOOD! I want the FBI to investigate them all!” Donald bellowed.

    “Finally, the FBI can do something for us!” the hat crowed.

    “Eleven Democrat assholes,” Donald sneered. “I’m going to destroy them all.”

    “Flake is a Republican,” the hat said tiredly.

    “Who is Flake?” Donald demanded.

    “Jesus,” the hair said in utter disgust.

    “He’s on the board, Donald,” the hat said. “Everyone on the board is bad. All bad. Board bad.”

    Donald picked the hair up off his desk and placed him on his head. He crossed to look out one of the Oval Office windows. A slanted beam of sunlight lit up the tendrils of the hair as it squirmed to settle itself on his head.

    “Board bad,” the President said solemnly, nodding to himself. “Board bad.”

     

    72 HOURS AWAKE

  • Wednesday’s Links Are Full Of Woe

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: What attendants hath Sarah Goode?

    Brettly: A yellow bird and shee would have given me one.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: What meate did she give it?

    Brettly: It did suck her between her fingers.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: Did not you hurt Mr Currins child?

    Brettly: Goode good and goode Osburn told that they did hurt Mr Currens child and would have had me hurt him two, but I did not.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: What hath Sarah Osburn?

    Brettly: Yellow dog, she had a thing with a head like a woman with 2 legges, and wings. Abigail Williams that lives with her Uncle Parris said that she did see the same creature, and it turned into the shape of Goode Osburn.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: What else have you seen with Osburn?

    Brettly: Another thing, hairy it goes upright like a man it hath only 2 legges.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: Did you not see Sarah Good upon Elizabeth Hubbard, last Saturday?

    Brettly: I did see her set a wolfe upon her to afflict her, the persons with this maid did say that she did complain of a wolfe. She further saith that shee saw a cat with good at another time.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: What cloathes doth the man go in?

    Brettly: He goes in black clothes a tall man with white hair I thinke.

    Senate: How doth the woman go?

    Brettly: In a white hood and a black hood with a top knot.

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: Doe you see who it is that torments these children now?

    Brettly: Yes it is Goode Good, shee hurts them in her own shape

    Senate Sex Prosecutor: And who is it that hurts them now?

    Brettly: I am blind now. I cannot see.

     


    I know it was a long time ago, but if you can remember the original allegation against Kavanaugh, I honestly can’t help but think it was based on this:

    I mean, it’s got the sloppy drunk guy, the kiss, the boob grope, something that could be called “trying to tear her clothes off,” and then he leaves. She even looks like the girl in the scene!

    33 years later, Mare Winningham keeps Rob Lowe off SCOTUS for making fun of her proto-Spanx.


     

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 98

     

    The hat was cackling in another room and the hair sighed heavily. “What is it now?” he asked.

    The hat shouted back:

    a) “Rob Rosenstein resigned!”
    b) “Rob Rosenstein committed suicide!”
    c) “Brett pulled his dick out on TV!”
    d) “Brett sacrificed children to Baal while in law school!”
    e) “Jeff Sessions exploded!”

    “_____________________?!?” the hair asked, shocked. “Wow, I can’t believe it!”

    “I know,” the hat replied. “I can’t imagine what Donald is going to do.”

    “He’ll probably…

    a) Verbally abuse Sarah Huckabee Sanders
    b) Blame the New York Times
    c) Order a Diet Coke and a Sausage McGriddle
    d) Become elated and then paranoid
    e) All of the above

    “Yeah, I can see that,” the hat yelled back. “What do you want to eat for dinner?”

    “I want meat!” the hair asked.

    “Meat? What kind of meat?”

    “Beef. I want beef. Bloody red cow meat.”

    “I thought you only ate Rogaine and weaker toupees,” the hat asked. The toilet flushed loudly in the room he was in.

    “I need the protein sometimes. It’s the fall weather. I might begin to molt.”

    “Molt?” the hat asked. “Molt? What the fuck are you talking about?”

    “I need to get bigger. There’s not much of Donald’s natural hair left. I’m holding on to his ears half the time as it is.”

    “OK. As long as it doesn’t interfere with [satirical take on current new event], I guess that will be OK.”

    “If I need to molt, I’ll molt,” the hair said. “It’s not really up to you or Donald or [subject/event of current story].”

  • Tuesday Afternoon Links, If, You Know, You Are Into That, Like, Whole Tuesday Thing, Man.

    “Open to me,” Pie whispered. “Open to me and I will show you such things that will make a penis waggled in your face will seem like dew settling on poisoned wildflowers.”

    In the closest thing she’s had to a press briefing in nearly a month, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders sat down with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos to discuss the sexual assault allegations against President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh. The White House, Sanders said, would be open to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing testimony from Deborah Ramirez, the second woman to come forward about Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual misconduct.


    “I remember when comic books were funny,” Donald groused, dropping the damp trade paperback on the floor next to the Presidential Hot Tub.

    “I’ll have the Secret Service pick you the new issue of Richie Rich the next time they go on a McDonald’s run,” the hair said, dangling from a faucet over the roiling stew of self-tanner, Diet Coke drool, greasy McNugget farts, back skin, moisturizer, prostatic fluid, sweet Sildenafil sweat, and the rainbow remains of a glitter bath bomb.

    “I like that kid. He’s got class,” Donald said. He groped around the side of the tub until he found the remote control and turned on E!.

    Drawn and written by Aminder Dhaliwal, the book asks the question of what happens when all men go extinct. Unlike Y: The Last Man and other similar works, Woman World doesn’t focus on wide conflict or the outbreak of violence; riots and panic did ensue, but readers join the story after all that and jump into a world where women just exist without prior constraints. Characters are shown in small, welcoming communities that are more focused on figuring out what this new version of the world looks like rather than trying to conquer anything or fight for resources. Very few of the characters remember a time when men existed, and as they’ve been going extinct for some time, none of them remember a world dominated by them. This lack of conflict allows the book to focus on humor and characterization instead of overplayed tropes about what happens when the world is made up entirely of women.

    This isn’t to say that the book is simple or even easy. Much of the humor is rooted in asking questions about the world as it is today within this new context of a women-only existence. By taking these sometimes deeply troubling things and robbing them of context, it makes them either extraordinarily existential or deeply comical, sometimes both. One character’s annoyance at being unable to find any historical texts that feature female artists, scientists, or great thinkers is funny not because it’s not upsetting, but because in Woman World there are no men to repeat that crime. It’s a perfect demonstration of the tragedy plus time equals comedy equation.

    “‘One character’s annoyance at being unable to find any historical texts that feature female artists, scientists, or great thinkers’” What is this shit?” the hat asked. “No books about chicks doing shit? Yeah, right. This is real thing. There’s not a one.”

    “Go find me something to tweet about!” Donald roared, clustering his rubber duckies around himself defensively.


    No gang rape? Well, shit, I was finally warming up to little old Brettly Squeakyshoes,” the hat said.

    As Washington braces for Thursday’s media frenzy, an even more ominous prospect hangs over the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court: a sinister allegation teased by Michael Avenatti that could explode Kavanaugh’s confirmation—or be another dud. Avenatti, after all, has developed something of a dubious reputation in the six months since he first entered (and quickly dominated) the national scene. His bare-knuckle defense of adult-film actress Stormy Daniels, relentless takedown of Michael Cohen, and undeniable talent for media, social and otherwise, have transformed him into a formidable opponent of Donald Trump and an unlikely Democratic presidential hopeful. It was Avenatti who first predicted that Cohen would be indicted, and Avenatti who later dumped records of Cohen’s suspicious bank activity online. But the ubiquitous “porn lawyer,” as Republicans have dubbed him, has also struck out on occasion. A mysterious CD or DVD containing visual evidence related to Trump’s relationship with Daniels was never released. His “three additional female clients” who he said were “paid hush money prior to the 2016 election” have yet to come forward. So it is with some hesitancy that Democrats are tiptoeing around Avenatti’s latest would-be bombshell: that he is representing another woman with “credible information regarding Judge Kavanaugh” and what he described as “gang rape.”

    “Don’t worry. Once they are finally done decoding his yearbooks, I’m sure they’ll find something you can get off on,” the hair said soothingly.

    One of the 65 women who signed a letter in defense of Judge Brett Kavanaugh right after he was accused of sexual assault was the butt of a cruel joke on his 1983 yearbook page, where he used her name and implied she was promiscuous.

    The New York Times reports that the name of Renate Schroeder Dolphin, then a student at a Catholic girls’ school, appeared more than a dozen times in the yearbook, including a group photo of football players, including Kavanaugh, under the description “Renate Alumni.” Two classmates of Kavanaugh told the Times that the Renate mentions in the yearbook were part of the athletes’ “unsubstantiated boasting about their conquests.”

    Kavanaugh’s lawyer said he and Dolphin shared a kiss while in high school. Dolphin denies it happened, but said she was hurt by the insinuation that she was promiscuous in high school.

    A generation of ugly girls getting their revenge on the boys that wouldn’t date them in high school,” the hat sniffed. “Group therapy thinly disguised as journalism. It would be hilarious if it just wasn’t so fucking pathetic.”

    For what it’s worth, and absent evidence or allegations to the contrary, I believe Brett Kavanaugh’s claim that he was a virgin through his teens. I believe it in part because it squares with some of the oddities I’ve had a hard time understanding about his alleged behavior: namely, that both allegations are strikingly different from other high-profile stories the past year, most of which feature a man and a woman alone. And yet both the Kavanaugh accusations share certain features: There is no penetrative sex, there are always male onlookers, and, most importantly, there’s laughter. In each case the other men—not the woman—seem to be Kavanaugh’s true intended audience. In each story, the cruel and bizarre act the woman describes—restraining Christine Blasey Ford and attempting to remove her clothes in her allegation, and in Deborah Ramirez’s, putting his penis in front of her face—seems to have been done in the clumsy and even manic pursuit of male approval. Even Kavanaugh’s now-notorious yearbook page, with its references to the “100 kegs or bust” and the like, seems less like an honest reflection of a fun guy than a representation of a try-hard willing to say or do anything as long as his bros think he’s cool. In other words: The awful things Kavanaugh allegedly did only imperfectly correlate to the familiar frame of sexual desire run amok; they appear to more easily fit into a different category—a toxic homosociality—that involves males wooing other males over the comedy of being cruel to women.

    “”Toxic homosociality?”” the hat asked. “This word salad needs better dressing.”


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AU6ZQWnznfU