Glibertarians.com 2018 Archive

Author: Not Adahn

  • A Tasting of Taliskers

    I love the Waters of Life.  I’ve never had a Japanese whiskey, but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed those from our neighbors to the north, from the Emerald Isle, and of course from here at home.  America truly makes a world-class product.  Having said all of that, there really can’t be any doubt that the king of beverages comes from that tiny scrap of barbarian-infested wasteland on the other side of Hadrian’s Wall.  It is truly the drink of philosophers.

    See those Taliskers at the left? That will be relevant shortly.
    Most of my Scotch Supply as of June 11 2018

    Tonight, I will be trying two offerings from my favorite distiller, and placing them in context with those with which I am already familiar.

    Notice how the bottles on the right are larger -- to take advantage of tax laws, the bottles purchased at the Duty-Free shop are 1000mL. Also, the prices at the I87 border crossing shop are better than the Ogdenburg crossing store.
    Our guests of honor for this evening, from left to right: Talisker 10 Year, Storm, Dark Storm, Skye, and 57 degrees North

    For accompaniments, I have bread (an awful hippie spelt sourdough), cheese (Chaseholm Farms “Moonlight” and North Country Creamery “Feta” (which completely isn’t), chocolate (Ghiradelli 72%) and water (Saratoga County Water District “Tap”).  I will also be starting with Johnnie Walker Black to use as a control and palate reset.

    My tasting notes probably aren’t going to be very helpful for a couple of reasons.  First, I lack the vocabulary of a professional taster.  This isn’t that important, because nobody else on here does, either.  The other problem is I suffer from a slight sense of synesthesia which becomes rather overwhelming when I focus intently on taste or smell.  So my experience when comparing Dark Storm with 10 year is that the horizontal amber lines of the 10 year become thicker and further apart in the Dark storm, and charcoal arcs appear next to them.  This may be the least helpful comparison made on glibertarians.com yet.  I’ll avoid any references to geometry, color or sound in my description and hopefully someone will find this interesting.

    Yeah, I don't see any difference either. But these things always show pictures of the booze in a glass.
    Down from upper left: 57 Degrees north, Skye, control, Dark Storm, Storm, 10 Year.

    If not, I’m still going to be drinking some scotch, so… win.

    All of these will be taken neat as God intended, with the possible exception of the 57 Degrees North, which is bottled at 114 proof.  That might get a splash after the initial taste.

    Enough pittle-pattle. On with the tipple!  *Drinks control*  Yup, that’s what yer basic Highland scotch tastes like.

    Talisker 10 Year: Oh goddamn this is delicious.  Mild, gentle, not very sweet, a little spice, a little smoke, a tiny hint of iodine.  No phenols coming up into the nose, a smidge of a tingle around the sides of the tongue.  *Ponders how wonderful life is now Talisker’s in the world*

    Ok, that golden moment of satisfaction has passed.  What else is here?  Talisker Storm: A lot more iodine on the nose, but not so much in the mouth.  Sweeter.  Sharper.  More of a bite, more of the bourbon barrel taste.  This would be really good with some chocolate. *Has some chocolate.* OMG.  I don’t know why exactly my mouth is warmer, but that chocolate instantly melts, coating my tongue with sweet love but letting the whisky shine through.  Another drink makes it shinier.  Shiiiny.  Better than the 10 Year?  …maybe.  Different.  Diminishing returns kick in hard when it comes to scotch, and Talisker suffers from it particularly with their base product being so good.  Sooo goood.

    Talisker Dark Storm:  This is more closely related to the 10 Year than the Storm was.  It’s very like the distillers took the 10 Year and turned up the volume.  I prefer it to the Storm. *Has a slice of cheese.*  Sweet mamajama.  I’ve gotten enough booze in me that food is tasting delicious.  I want to refill this glass, but I have two  more to taste.

    I’ve had those three before [but never done a side-by-side with the Storm and Dark Storm to convince me which I should preferentially stock (Dark Storm)].  These next two are new to me.

    Talisker Skye:  I’m confused.  I’m not tasting very much.  Maybe it’s aftereffects from the cheese?  I’ll eat some bread.  *Eats bread.* That’s really shitty bread.  Nope, not much here.  It’s less like a Talisker and more like a really flavorful Irish whiskey.  I am disappointed.  This bottle will remain around to offer to guests, but I won’t be drinking much of it.  Orrrr, maybe I’ve drunk too much and it’s killing my taste response.  *Goes back to Q’s links.*  That still works.  Well, obviously in the future I’ll need to taste this earlier in the session to make sure.

    Talisker 57 Degrees North:  This is the most expensive bottle I’ve acquired at the duty-free.  Between the fact that it’s a third larger than standard liquor store bottles and I paid for it in CAD, it’s probably not the most expensive bottle of scotch I’ve ever bought, but it’s up there.  It fucking better be good.  Holding it up to my nose is making me a little more reassured that I haven’t overdrunk my nose at least.  I’m getting definite notes of… SweeTarts. Now I’m going to have to go back to the lab and see if I have any stearic or maleic acids lying around.  I know I’ve got citric, but that’s not what I’m smelling.  First sip.  Oh.  Wow.  Yeah.  Taste buds still work.  Also, 114 proof is a bit saliva-activating.  Lemme do the math:  114/80 = I have to increase the volume by about 40%.  No wait, first let me taste it and see what I can find when it’s neat.  Ok, trying again.  It’s pretty good.  Extremely smooth, low phenols, slightly sweet, but at this strength there is a noticeable anesthetic effect kicking in after about 2-3 seconds.  Gotta get a spoon to make the dilution work.  Also, there’s not enough left in the glass, need a refill.

    Ok, going to get the spoon revealed to me that I might be a wee bit more intoxicated that I had planned.  Also tasting the control whisky proved that yes, my taste buds aren’t working properly.  So it’s a bit of a moot point to continue.  Having said all of that, adding water to get the 57 degrees North to about 80 proof really did open it up.  There’s a lot more happening there now, and in the future I’ll try again without the preliminary drinks to get a true appreciation of it.  I’ll also retry the Skye, though I don’t think it’s going to be particularly salvageable.

    Until then…

     

     

  • I Fucking Like Ottawa in a Vaguely Pleasant Way: The Horoscope for June 17

    I still havent tried these. Nor Timbits.
    Photographic proof that I was in Canada

    There are two alignments in the skies this week.  The first is quite auspicious:  Earth-Mars-Venus-Luna.  Mars+Venus = the lovers, the Earth places them domestically, and the moon is romance.  So for those of you with a spouse, this should be a good week to rediscover how good home cooking can be.

    Honestly, no worse than any other public art, though I do get a bit of an OMWC vibe from it.
    Ottawa Public Art

    The second alignment is Saturn (retrograde)-Earth-Mercury.  New portents, a boost to creativity, hangovers reduced, and artistic successes.  While this alignment also includes the Earth, it doesn’t have any major relationship to the first alignment.

    What does have a relationship to the first alignment is the fact that half of it (Venus and Luna specifically) are in Leo.  In that context, it just reinforces the domestic bliss aspect and indicates that the more dominant partner will have a particularly good time.  By itself, it indicates that your cat will go into heat if you haven’t had it fixed.  So get the vicious little hate machine fixed already.

    In addition to the horrendously crappy food, more evidence that Ottawa is awful
    Speaking of hate machines…

    The sun remains in Gemini, increasing the likelihood of revelation and discovery.  Speaking of discovery, Ottawa seems like it can be thoroughly explored in a day or three.  In a way, it’s a lot like DC in that goods are of relatively high quality but more expensive than you’d expect.  It is vastly smaller than DC, and much, MUCH whiter.  Like, you know the joke about there being no black people in Canada?  It’s actually true of Ottawa.  On the other hand, it’s vastly superior to DC in the sense that it was built on top of a mountain next to a scenic river as opposed to the middle of a swamp.  When you’re on Capitol Hill, you see– DC.  When you’re on Parliament Hill, you see woods, a river, boats on said river, roses, it’s really very nice.  And the buildings I think are prettier than Federal Neo-Classical, but de gustibus and all of that.

    The only part of the original Parliament complex left, because some librarian had their shit together enough to close the fire doors. Sometimes librarians can preserve beautiful things, not shatter them.
    The Great Sept of Balor

    It’s also pleasant to look over the river at Gatineau, and note that if the Quebecois get uppity, you can just lob some cannonballs down at them and they can’t really much but curse at you in an amusingly silly accent.

    Jupiter (retrograde) in Scorpio. Same Stars, Different Day.  Although, when it comes to misrule, there are some interesting examples in Ottawa.  For example, we stayed in an AirB&B next to the Greek embassy.  Posh neighborhood, right?  …no.  Behold:

    The Syrian embassy at least resembled a residential law office
    If your embassy is located in a student rental unit, you’re not really trying very hard.

    There was a Hyundai Elantra in the drive and a fat crumpy tomcat walked by and sprayed it.

     

    In DC, the various countries at least made an effort with their consular offices.  Here, you could tell that nobody really cared about being there, but some countries were interested in showing off.  The DC-typical Embassy Row is visible from the river, and clustered next to the PM’s official residence/eyebrow storage facility were France, the UK, Indonesia, Some wealthy petrostate which I forget, and then The US, with the biggest, classiest, most abassadorrific embassy in the whole capital.  The Foggy Bottom crowd would give their very best pair of striped pants to be in that embassy, I’ll tell you.

     

    Mercury is in Cancer.  Mercury is the planet of news/tidings/announcements, and Cancer is the sign of secrets, so this could be a problematic week for you if you have something to hide.  Also, call your mother.

    Parliament is visible to the far right over the blue crane.
    Ottawa built a memorial to the Stanley Cup. I don’t know when exactly.  I assume they’ve resigned themselves to the fact that the real thing will never be here again.

    Mars is still in Aquarius.  Mars of course, is the planet of war, and I can’t quite figure out the Canadian military.  When I was in Quebec City, I saw soldiers at the Citadel, and they were in British ceremonial dress:  scarlet tunic, bearskin hat, the whole 8.23 meters.  The fact that they were wearing that uniform while shouting orders in French hurt my brain, but here at their War Memorial/Tomb of the Unknown Soldier combo they are wearing something similar to a US army uniform, not at all similar to a UK service kit:

    also, note how economical the Canadians are. Instead of putting up a new memorial for every war, they just add the dates of each new war to the memorial they already have.
    Note that the only tourist brave enough to approach the guard is an American

    Yeah, June in Canada is pretty fucking gorgeous.

    Saturn retrograde in Capricorn.  In my despair to come up with anything novel to glean from this never-ending astrological feature, it occurs that this might be one of the most self-referential  situations ever.  You’ve got Capricorn, the stubborn, change-resistant sign, and into that you’ve got Saturn (Chronus, Father Time, the Grim Reaper) the sign of endings flipped so that it’s negated — it will never end.  Of course, this is also true because retrograde motion inhibits/reverses the progress of a planet through a sign, keeping it there longer.  Couple that with the fact that Saturn is an outer planet with long orbital lengths, and we wind up with what we’ve got today.

    TL;DR on Ottawa:  all the cost of Montreal, half the charm.  Still a hell of a lot better than Ennis, TX.

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for the Week of June 10

    Between the skies not being terribly helpful, work being more nuts than usual (how can a chiller that works perfectly completely seize up because I moved it 600 yards into a different room?), me planning on heading north of the wall to meet up with a red-haired French teacher in about three hours, this look into the astral influences is going to be sparse.  Or, perhaps you can think of it as me giving you more room to experience your own personal relationship with the stars without having to worry about “rules” or “interpretations” that would impinge on your freedom.  Let’s go with that one.

    Which could happen. You know that line between "roguish teasing" and "You're sleeping on the couch tonight?" I have trouble with that.
    If I have time for stargazing this weekend, something has gone terribly wrong.

    Only one alignment to discuss:  Sol-Mars-Saturn (retrograde), Venus in opposition.  One meaning of that is a woman will be murdered in a particularly horrific fashion.  I really don’t like that one*, so hunting for alternates gives us “fight breaks out at peace talks,” or “some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.”  Expect Angela Merkel to fuck something up.  Possibly Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

    As to the whole planet-in-constellation list…

    Venus is transiting out of Cancer, lessening the overall feminine influences.

    Aquarius should expect a visit from… red? Woman? Scarlet woman? Something like that anyway.  Also, commies will gather by a large body of water.

    Saturn retrograde will not get the fuck out of Capricorn!  There are just so many goat jokes that a non-Welshman can make!

    This week will be good for thinking and intellectual work with Mercury sharing the Sun in Gemini.  The Venus/Cancer connection earlier will extend this to psychotherapy for all you madglibs out there.

    And of course, Jupiter retrograde keeps up governmental misrule, abuse, and general fuckings-over.  Speaking of general fuckings-over, here’s what you get when you get when you ask for recommendations for fun things to do in Ottawa (not intended to disparage any glibs advice, this came from a coworker):

    *It’s a question famously raised (but not answered) by the Dune books: does the prophet see the future, or create it?

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: the Horoscope for the Week of June 3rd

    This another of those really active weeks, celestial-behavior wise.  The kind of week where you need to lay out the charts on a card table with some pushpins, string, and a protractor.  Let’s see what’s there, shall we.

    Remember when you were in the back seat of your Chevy Caprice with Charlotte, and her pants were about to come off for the first time, and this asshole knocked on the window? Asshole.

    Alignment the first:  Venus-Earth-Luna-Saturn (retrograde); Jupiter (retrograde) in opposition.  Good luck in getting laid this week.  More receptive partners include:  civil servants, leaders, submissives, and depressed people.  Cock-block attempts by government officials.  It could also be interpreted as unfortunate HR repercussions.  The stars only say that you will be successful, it doesn’t say that you won’t come to regret your success.

    Alignment the second:  Mercury-Sol-Jupiter (retrograde); Venus in opposition.  Bad tidings from the government.  Since it shares two of the lights with the previous alignment, it strongly suggests an interrelation, and with Venus being the opposition planet, I don’t think I need to spell out the subject matter.  honestly, if I didn’t know UnCiv was OoO on his roadtrip, I would shout at him not to dip his pen in the Taxpayer’s ink.

    Actually, since these signs are both so clear and so complex, they must mean something big, or at least immediately applicable.  Hmmmm.  Bad news from the government…  sex…  censure…  will the Hooker Pee Videotape finally be released?  Huma/Hillary’s erotic skype logs?  Carlos Danger rubs one out in the Rotunda?  A sex worker sues the Clinton Foundation for non-payment?  I don’t know what, but something big is going to happen.

    Alignment the third:  A BARCO of Mars-Terra-Saturn (retrograde) indicating the outbreak of military hostilities.  Whether the BARCO nature indicates only a minor skirmish, or because such news is trivial is uncertain.

    same sand, different day

    So that’s it from the Heliocentric view.  As for observations you can make with your own eyeballs,  Mars in Aquarius means that Rufus is going to get into a fight.  Jupiter (retrograde) in Scorpio means wankery will continue.  Saturn (retrograde) in Capricorn means buttheads will continue to be buttheads.  Basically, if you expected your problems to go away this week, you are in for a disappointment.  On the upside, with Mercury conjoined with Sol in Gemini, you will not be overwhelmed —  you will be able to deal with multiple problems.  Venus in Cancer continues to amplify “feminine” virtues of peace, nurturing, and romance… enjoy it while it lasts, it’s halfway through its transit.

    While pondering the signs, here is some music (and fashion) to expand your mind:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rw1_FNdy-Y

    There are a couple of decades that I’m really glad a) existed, and b) are gone.

  • I fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for May 28

    After last week’s choc-a-bloc and interesting sky, this week has decided that it’s revealed quite enough thank you and is being uncommunicative.  Celestial infinity, what can you do?  For example, it puts Mercury (change) in Taurus (stability).  This is obviously bullshit, and it’s a sign of how honest the Glibastrology staff is at this fine periodical.  A charlatan would try and use the alternate reading of Mercury to predict news about cattle futures, or McDonald’s announcing a sale or something.  I am not that charlatan.

    Last week we had that awesome double opposition that was keeping relationships on an even keel.  It’s completely fallen apart, though we still have a kinda-sorta-technically-an-alignment-but-a-really-crappy-one (known as a KSTAABARCO* in the astrology biz (not really)) of Mars-Venus-Saturn retrograde, so it’s offering some protection for your relationship if you tell your SO that they look particularly fat today, but not very much.

    Seriously, I'm going to start using this.
    BARCO Alignment, it’s not just for planets!

    In fact, whatever feeble protection that BARCO** alignment gives is more than offset by by the alignment with us of both Mercury and Luna, the two most instability-bringing influences there are.  Shit’s gonna change yo.

    Now having said all of that, there is one day that you might be able to get away with a little something… Memorial Day.  Ironically enough for a day dedicated to remembering, there is a Jupiter-Moon conjunction (in Scorpio!) that bodes well for concealing misbehavior.  However, the long-term risks of such misbehavior will not be mitigated; there is increased risk for contracting venereal disease this week, so wrap that rascal!

    In addition to the ongoing good fishing, this week is good for hunting.  Get out there, kill something, and eat it!  Particularly effective calibers will be 0.22, 0.44, .30-30 and .303.  There isn’t much about cartridge size, though with the Sun in Gemini, magnums are favored.

    As for star-related music, here’s the greatest band of the 20th century deciding they need to sound more like Muse and writing a song about the universe fucking itself:

    *I think I’m going to start using the acronym BARCO.  It has potential.

    **See?

  • I Fucking Love Astrology – The Horoscope for the Week of May 20th

    Well, well, well… what have we here?

    Pull out your star charts boy and girls, we’ve got something very interesting going on this week.

    Yes, yes, we’ve still got that Jupiter-retrograde-in-Scorpio, old news.  But see that Mercury-Sol-Venus alignment?  Change in relationships?  Well, this week, it’s moved in opposition to us.  And if that’s not enough we also have the moon in opposition to that opposition.  Double Opposition.  What does it mean?  This week, your relationships are going to be rock solid.  You can take advantage of this, as we can see from another alignment concurrent with the double opposition.  We have Venus (love) aligned with Mars (war) and Saturn (endings) retrograde (not).  So a fight this week will not end your relationship.  Having said that, while you can get away with having a spat this week, there’s no indications that you should.  There’s nothing here indicating that the makeup sex will be good, and with Venus having moved out of Gemini, there’s no indication to look up Heather and Holly on facebook to see if they are conveniently available this weekend.  Mars moving into Aquarius indicates “trouble with the provider,” so maybe it’s a good thing you’ve got a little stellar stability helping you out.

    One last alignment in this week’s very busy sky:  Sol – Jupiter retrograde – Luna.  Literally, good news for queens.  Elizabeth II is not going to die.  I don’t know if this also extends to drag queens, but it just might because:

    Both the Moon and Venus are in Cancer.  And of course, we’ve already mentioned how Luna has rulership of Cancer, but with Venus in the mix we literally have (almost) all the most feminine influences possible coming together and amplifying each other.  Indulge in your wildest stereotypes. Eat ice cream while watching rom-coms.  Cry every now and then for no reason whatsoever.

    People born under the sign of Taurus will receive good news this week.  Also, a new speed record for a racing cow will be set.

    If you are kidding this week, it will go successfully.  Both mother and child will be fine, but it won’t be twins.

    This week is also auspicious for naval forces.

     

     

     

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for the week of May 13th

    This is going to be short, since for the next twelve weeks or so, I’ll be decontaminating, packing and moving a few megabucks worth of analytical equipment to a new cleanroom, while not reducing my fab support capability.  It’s demands like this that make me feel zero guilt about fucking around reading Glibertarians.com when I’m not required to be panicking over generating good data.

    Unambiguous good news:  For Taurus-folk (Taurans?  Tauroids?) this week is going to be awesome.  We have both geocentric and heliocentric indicators pointing to the same outcome.  With the change-driving effects of Mercury being made positive by the effects of the Sun, you have good luck.  By having a Four-light alignment also in your sign, you have better luck.  By having those four lights being the most important ones in the sky, you have even better luck.  By having one of those four lights being Jupiter (even retrograde), well, let’s just say you’re gonna have a good time.

    Relationships continue to be unstable (Mercury-Venus-Sol) but without last week’s good luck effects, this week’s might be a bit less pleasant.  You were using protection, right?

    In non-lovin’ news, there are indicators that martial belligerence will lead to good things.  Also, this is a good week to bet on buzkashi.

    If your local sports bookmaker doesn't have it, Swiss might be able to hook you up.
    This week’s money-maker

    In more astrology-vindicating news, world-renowned sciencey star-person Neil Degrasse Tyson is so made of science that he can be duplicated by a computer program!  Science!  Astrology is just as much Science as IFLS leader NdGT!

    Astrology music (not the right time of year, but oh well):

     

     

  • Ph34r mAh 1337 SkilLZ – The horoscope for the week of May 6th

    …and the confirmed predictions keep rolling in!  Between the Glibs engagement, hookups with hotties, and the fishing fotos we have further proof that the stars never lie.*

    What do we have for you this week?  Well, as always, some things stay the same.  The sun is still in Taurus, so that’s good for ranchers. We still have Mercury in Aries harshing everyone’s mellow and making my job harder.  And we still have a retrograde Jupiter in Scorpio.  But…

    I hate it when amateurs mix up celestial and Enochian scripts, but whatchagonnadoo?
    Celestial Ying-Yang

    This week we have an odd alignment of that retrograde Jupiter with Sol and our own Terra Firma.  That amplifies the Jovian effects out the celestial ying-yang.  So it becomes more important to get a handle what Jupiter is actually doing as it’s spinning the wrong way through Scorpio.  I think in this case, it’s crucial to get some context from the rest of the chart and how it relates to this.   So as above, we’ve got the Mercury in Aries thing.  This tension/ambivalence  simultaneously makes our interpretation both easier and harder.  It indicates that both of alternativeinterpretations will be true, but that we won’t be able to necessarily know how they are applying.  The conclusions are:

    • Your OCD is going to be worse than usual.
    • You should spend some time focusing on your genitals.
    • If you have the opportunity to cloister yourself with someone (actually two someones, see below) for said genital-focusing you should take it.
    • Said time should involve “unnatural acts.”

    Venus in Gemini indicates it’s a great time for three-way lovin’, twincest, and/or mirror use.  Related to that, there is also an alignment of Venus with Sol and Mercury, so if this is your first time with said twins, take it.  Actually, why would you need me to tell you to accept the offer of a threeway with a set of twins?  What is wrong with you?

    In non-hot-group-action signs,  we have an addition to the sports betting signals that have been hanging out for a few weeks:  the moon comes into conjunction with mars.  This is a change sign, so if you’ve been lucky betting on a particular team, this week they will let you down.

    Tarot update:  I suck at image editing, and I’ve been busier than something that is extremely busy in folksy analogies.  If there is anyone out there who is competent and enjoys this sort of thing, let me know.

    There is a reason the Rider-Waite deck is so popular: it’s got a ton of detail to fixate on and inspire drug-assisted mental connections.  So sometimes (barring the intervention of actual artists) I’ll be just adding things onto existing cards, like so:

    Awfully young for an empress, don't you think?

    So here, it’s a simple matter of replacing the scepter with a banhammer and adding Her initials to the shield.  We get to keep the reclining position, the crown of stars, etc. that are used for interpretation cues.

    While I do like R-W, it seems more appropriate for The Tower to use one from The Cthulu Mythos Tarot:

    Ia! Ia! ... you know the rest.

    Of course, this brings up a good question:  How do we communicate the glibness of the Arcana?  The SPempress is relatively easy, as is The Sun, Reversed:

    I really am supposed to be working right now.
    Hello, Rufus!

    But for SF, should we use the current hedobot avatar, or the earlier Snidely Whiplash?  Hedobot with a Snidely Whiplash mustache?

    If anyone has a preference how they are to be represented, please let me know, or better yet, send me the artwork.  Honestly, an actual photo of Yusef with a bindle walking along the edge of a wall at Slab City would be AWESOME.

     

     

  • Tricks of the Trade: The Horoscope for the Week of April 29th

    So you want to be a fortuneteller.  Congratulations!  You’re a moron!

    There are a very few limited instances when putting up a crystal ball shingle is a good less than catastrophically bad idea:

    1.  It’s a front for your illegal business
    2.  It’s a money-laundering operation
    3. You are otherwise unemployed, and/or bored AND you have no expenses involved with obtaining your venue.

    In the same vein as giving a junkie some chlorox with which to sterilize their shared needles, here’s a little advice about succeeding in the X-mancy business.

    "Cleo" was already taken, obviously
    This is the look you’re going for

    First off, be a woman.  You might get away with being an astrologer with a Y chromosome, but for palmisty, cartomancy, scrying or psychic reading ain’t nobody gonna pay you for your opinion.  Once you are a woman, invest in chunky jewelry and scarves.  Consider dying your hair, but for the love of Gaia, do not have it professionally done.  You need to do it yourself.  The look you are cultivating is “sketchy.”  Respectable people make crappy fortunetellers.  There needs to be something… off about your appearance — the difference between “underbridge dweller” and “reclusive gypsy” is in the attitude and how you set up your surroundings.

    Good luck with that
    Nice try

    Do you think you’re psychic?  Great!  This is going to help lot.  It’s like they say, “sincerity is important, once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”  The most successful psychic I know acts exactly as if they believe their own bullshit completely.  She has never dropped the facade in front of me.  Remember, you’re mostly a salesperson at this point, so have confidence in your product!  What if you can’t actually believe that you have the power to foretell the future?  Well, there is a solution to that.

    Drugs.

    Remember the oracle at Delphi?  Paint huffer.  Not from a spray can, but all natural organic hydrocarbons straight from Mother Earth’s crack.   If you want to go with the classics, you can choose ether, but what with the usual accouterments of candles and incense, I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t want to go all Richard Prior.  But be careful that you don’t overdo it.  “Not entirely safe, not entirely sane” will draw the attention of the mark; “Crackhead” will have them scurrying for the door without paying.  The point of the drugs is to take the edge off your internal censor and *ahem* “open your mind to” the possible connections between the real world and your divinatory tools.  The only difference between “psychic” and “psychotic” is “cot,” which is what you’re probably going to be sleeping on if you choose to ply this trade.

    There is one skill that is pretty much mandatory if you’re going to make this business a sole/unaugmented source of income:  cold reading. This is a skill that can be learned, so do it.  Prestidigitation is also extremely useful, both for forcing cards and well… we’ll get to that

    Ideally, they should be less physically imposing, as well
    Notice that the mark must ALWAYS be wealthier than you

    Last thing:  if you want to make real money, you’re going to need a permanent premises so that you can build a clientele of suckers.  And if you want to really take them for what you can get, you’re going to need to commit some felony-level fraud.  This is going to end badly, if for no other reason that former marks, even ones that you that you didn’t even rip off will eventually be upset with your advice and having a fixed place of business means they know where to find you to make their displeasure known, or to send the local constabulary.  If you are satisfied by the rewards of one-off clients and the occasional petty larceny (this is where prestidigitation comes in:  if you keep your workspace cluttered, claustophobic, and filled with garish colors and patterns, this can make the mark more distracted and less likely to remember that he set down something small and salable, particularly if he didn’t notice you palming it.) then it’s safer to adopt the M.O. of grifters everywhere and keep mobile.  Carney life here we come!  Actually, renaissance fairs are a pretty good deal for an aspiring fortuneteller: the one-person tent is the cheapest premises you can have and is perfect for the kind of work you need to do, you have a constant flow of new clients pushed right in front of your flap, and those clients are in a pretty good mood and won’t actually take your advice too seriously.  Plus lots of them are drunk.  Blessings to Eris and Dionysus for drunken marks!

    I should probably also mention that dial-a-psychic is a thing that exists and my closest fortuneteller friend makes her living doing this, but I’ve never seen it in operation first-hand.  so not only do I not know anything about it, I don’t even know enough to be entertainingly ignorant about it.

    Also the marijuana is usually ass.
    Renfair. Pros: lots of one-off clients, steady income. Cons: herpes.

     

    Now, on to this week’s chart!

    This week has a couple of strong markers, and an oddly large number of tension/uncertainty indicators.  The more definite signs are for good fishing, and an extraordinary alignment (Sol-Mercury-Venus-Saturn retrograde) for relationships.  This is an excellent week to meet new partners, but a terrible week for breakups.  If the squeeze hasn’t gotten his crap out of the house KK, maybe it would be better to put it off until next week.  On the tension front, we have TWO different cross-alignments of opposition influencts;  we have change and stability signs on top of each other (Mercury in Capricorn) as well as balance/flux juxtaposition (Luna in Libra). If you are having difficulty figuring out WTF is going on in your life, this probably is why.*  The positioning last week that encourages sports betting  (Mars-Saturn retrograde in Capricorn) and masturbation  (Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio) remain this week, so have fun with that .

    *no, this is not why at all.

  • I Fucking Love Astrology: The Horoscope for the Week of April 22

    First, let me apologize for being lazy. When I cast the horoscope, I do it on the Sunday of the week, without reference to previous weeks, which means I completely missed that there was a beautiful Mars-Venus-Mercury-Sol alignment last Monday. That would have been the perfect time for breaking up with someone, and I neglected to find it for you in time. Dommage. Take it out of my paycheck.

    Good news! MERCURY RETROGRADE is now over. We have normality, repeat: we have normality. Anything you can’t deal with is, therefore, your own problem.

    However, because the heavens really like fucking with us, we have Saturn going station retrograde. Now this doesn’t have the normal havoc-wreckage that Mercury does, and it can actually flip Saturn’s leaden influences (see the prediction in the 6th paragraph) but it can also bring out the destructive, cannibalistic aspects of the planet.

    Prominent planetary alignment: Sol-Mercury-Mars. Good news for war correspondents, bad news for military planners.

    Luna in Cancer = secrets revealed. No indication if this is beneficial or baneful. Uncovering secrets is usually a zero-sum or negative-sum game, so probably not terribly good unless you’re a PI. Or possibly a war correspondent. Hmmm. Maybe we’re going to find a secret stockpile of chemical weapons?

    Mars and Saturn retrograde in Aries = bet on fights. Probably not bumfights though. Also, your favorite cabrito place will be particularly good this week.

    Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio = misuse of genitals. Also poisonings by crappy rulers. A lot of Syria in the stars this week.

    Venus in Taurus = hung like a bull. Keep your Tinder/Grindr accounts active if you’re into that sort of thing.

    The sun is transitioning into Taurus this week, so we can look forward to a month conducive to drudgery, hard work, machismo, and hamburgers.

    On a personal note, I’ve been thinking about supplementing the astrology with some cartomancy, but to do this for such a specific application I should have a custom Tarot printed. I am having some difficulty deciding who to put on which card. Some Glibs should definitely be in the deck somewhere, but determining where in the Major Arcana to slot them in is difficult. The best solution is to add to the MA (so for example, there will be a card called “The Skier” in there for KK) but I should fill out the existing trumps first. Suggestions are appreciated.

    The following cards have good matches already. Trying to talk me out of these will probably have no good effect:

    The Fool – Yusuf
    The High Priestess – Riven
    The Empress – SP (I swear to Bob that nobody should try to dispute this)
    The Emperor – OMWC (Kind of riding SP’s coattails with this one)
    The Lovers – Sloopy and Banjos
    Strength – Warty (go ahead, I dare you)
    The Tower – SugarFree (remember, The Tower represents loss, destruction and catastrophe)
    Judgment – Swiss Servator (Disagree? I will fite u irl)
    The World – Heroic Mulatto

    These cards I have tentative matches for, but I’m not sold on them yet:

    The Magician – Me (Design your own gorramn Tarot if you want to be in it)
    The Heirophant – Pope Jimbo
    The Chariot – Doomco
    Justice – Mexican Sharpshooter
    The Hanged Man – Jesse
    Death – The Late P. Brooks
    Temperance – UnCiv
    The Star – Gilmore
    The Moon – Q Continuum

    These I really don’t have a clue on:

    The Hermit
    Wheel of Fortune
    The Devil
    The Sun

    In addition to adding cards, I’m thinking of having some of the cards reversed by default. Rufus would go well on The Sun (reversed) I think.

    And of course, this is just the first step. Next, I’ll need to pick artwork. Fortunately, I’ve already found a printer that includes consecrated hosts and infant-blood Purim matzos in the paper so that part’s been taken care of.