Author: CPRM

  • CPRM’s [REDACTED] Barbecue Recipe

    By CPRM

    Okay, a good barbecue starts with the meat. Pork is great because it’s cheap and takes on flavor. The best cut of pork for this recipe is [REDACTED]. This cut comes out moist with a crispy exterior.

    Ingredients:

    8 pounds of pork [REDACTED]
    2 22oz bottles of [REDACTED] mustard
    1.5 bottles of [REDACTED] mustard
    1 pound of [REDACTED] [REDACTED]
    16 oz of [REDACTED]
    1 Can of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]
    2 [REDACTED] [REDACTED] peppers
    2 [REDACTED] Onions
    molasses
    A smoker grill
    [REDACTED] wood chips
    16 pounds of charcoal

    We’ll start off with meat. I’m assuming you bought it in a store. So take your 8 pounds of [REDACTED] and microwave 8 minutes/until par cooked. (sounds nuts, but it works). Use a fork to poke holes in it and set aside.

    In The Large Yellow Tupperware bowl add one pound of [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. Pour in 2 22oz bottles of [REDACTED] mustard, followed by 1.5 bottles of [REDACTED] mustard.

    Add 16 oz of [REDACTED]. Stir.

    Next, take the molasses and pour around the Yellow Tupperware bowl in a Fibonacci sequence from the center out.

    It should taste disgustingly sweet. The taste will temper as the sauce caramelizes on the grill.

    Use ½ the can of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

    Now, in a food processor, liquefy 2 [REDACTED] [REDACTED] peppers, and 2 [REDACTED] onions.

    Add the peppers and onions to the sauce.

    The flavor should be coming together.

    Now, use the other half of the can of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] to clean out the mustard bottles and food processor. Pour that into the sauce.

    Submerge the par-cooked permeated pork [REDACTED] in the sauce. (If you are someone worried about food contamination, set aside ¼ of the sauce for cooking before adding the pork). The par-cooked pork will draw the sauce in as it chills.

    Seal and store in the fridge for 16-24hrs.

     

    THE NEXT DAY

    Put 16 pounds of charcoal into your smoker grill and light by your preferred method.

    In the smoker chamber add [REDACTED] wood chips or if you prefer, use [REDACTED] wood logs.

    After the grill has reached temperature, fill it with as many [REDACTED] pork pieces as will fit. Close the grill, and close the chimney ¾.

    Have a cigarette. Then open the chimney to full, this will prevent getting smoke in your eyes. Turn over all the pieces, add sauce to the part that was flamed. Close the grill, and turn the chimney back to ¾ closed.

    Have a cigarette. Repeat the last step.

    Have a cigarette. Repeat the step from before.

    Have a cigarette. Repeat again.

    The first round should be done.

    Now repeat again, check to see if you need to add more [REDACTED]wood.

    Do so until all the pork is cooked.

    Place the cooked pork in an oven-safe container and cover with extra sauce. Place in the oven at 200 degrees adding the rest of the pieces as they cook.

    When the pork is fully cooked, the outside should appear burnt, while the inside is moist.

    If I do another article, we’ll add a side with my [REDACTED] salad!

  • The Hat and The Hair – Animation (Episode 1 – “Mirror”)

    CPRM has done it….and you will laugh. What is “it” you ask? We at Glibs proudly present CPRM’s animated version of SugarFree’s The Hat and The Hair.

  • A Path to Wellness, Part Three

    A Path to Wellness, Part Three

    PART ONE

    PART TWO

    Chapter IX

    INT—PANEL VAN—NIGHT

    The picture FADES IN AND OUT as TED groggily regains consciousness. His beard and hair are noticeably longer, he reaches to touch his face and scratches himself with abnormally long fingernails. As he tries to gain his bearings the van abruptly moves side to side, bouncing him around.

    TED
    What the hell is going on?!

    HARVEY turns to look back from the driver’s seat.

    HARVEY
    Holy shit! You’re awake!

    TED notices an odd sensation in his groin, he reaches down and pulls up a catheter line and bag filled with urine.

    TED
    What the fuck!

    There is a crashing sound and the van suddenly jumps, causing Ted to pull out the catheter. Blood and urine spray around the van’s interior.

    HARVEY
    Long story, short; you’ve been in a coma for a few months. We were being kept in a Soros dungeon in Chicago. I broke us out. It was quite brilliant actually…

    INT—DUNGEON—DAY

    STYLISH FLASH-BACK
    Ted is comatose, Harvey is masturbating in the corner. A knock at the door. The door opens, a guard enters.

    HARVEY(VO)
    The guard came into the room, and I flung my seed in his face…

    This happens on screen.

    HARVEY(VO)
    I had meticulously timed out the rotation of…

    INT—Panel VAN—NIGHT

    Ted interrupts the flash-back sequence.

    TED
    I don’t give a shit! I’m pissing blood back here!

    The van is rocked once again by a collision.

    TED(CONT’D)
    And what the fuck is going on out there?

    HARVEY
    We’re being chased by Hillary’s goons. Kind of a fun action car chase thing.

    TED
    Fun!? And what do you mean Hillary’s goons?

    EXT—HIGHWAY—NIGHT

    The panel van is being chased by three black SUVs with big bold lettering in yellow on the side ‘FBI’. They ram the van again. The chase passes by a billboard that reads ‘BUY YOUR SWEETIE SOME SWEETS THIS VALENTINES DAY. WITHOUT THE GUILT. VISIT SUGARFREECANDIES.COM’

    INT—PANEL VAN—NIGHT

    Ted is rocked again by the impact. He hears a cough and leans over to get a better view of the passenger seat, where he sees TIM, a light-skinned black guy who looks sickly as if he has a bad case of the flu.

    TED
    Who the fuck is that!?

    HARVEY
    Ted, this is Tim, Tim, this is Ted.

    They halfheartedly wave at each other.

    HARVEY(CONT’D)
    Tim works at the CDC. It’s all connected!

    EXT—HIGHWAY—NIGHT

    The van makes a pit maneuver and breaks free of its pursuers.

     

    Chapter X

    EXT—LITTLE CEASARS—DAY

    Ted is sitting out the back doors of the panel van. Tim is leaning against the exterior, draped in a blanket, looking pale and sick. Harvey emerges from the store with a pizza in hand.

    HARVEY
    The only hot and ready they had was deep dish ham and pineapple.

    Tim vomits.

    TED
    Fuck, I don’t even know the last time I ate solid food, give me a slice.

    Harvey opens the box and Ted grabs a slice and begins to devour it. He begins speaking with his mouth full, spitting chunks everywhere.

    TED (CONT’D)
    So what the fuck is up with this Tim guy?

    Harvey scuttles to the other side of Ted so Tim can’t hear him and whispers.

    HARVEY
    George and Hillary, after the Vegas debacle, they decided to weaponize the flu vaccine. You see the flu vaccine carries a dead version of whatever virus the CDC suspects will be most prevalent in a given year. But that’s not what they did this year. This year all the vaccines were for the Russian Flu. Well, all the real vaccines the politicians got anyway, the rest were just sugar water.

    TED
    What?

    HARVEY
    You see, Tim here is a diabetic, and after he took the shot he knew his reaction was a diabetic one. So he decided to look into it.

    Tim starts shaking uncontrollably.

    Harvey
    Turns out all the shots designated for civilians were a sugar placebo. Only a chosen few were given access to the real vaccine against the Russian Flu.

    TED
    What the hell are you talking about you depraved piece of shit?

    Tim collapses into a diabetic coma.

    HARVEY
    Don’t you get it? The Russians are behind all of it?!

    Ted
    Electing Trump?

    HARVEY
    Fuck no! Causing chaos in American politics. When Trump said the election might be rigged, he was called crazy and paranoid. But what happened after Trump won? Hillary said the election was rigged. Now we’ve got Robert Mueller chasing us all the way from Chicago to Florida to shut us up!

    TED (holds his hand up)
    Give me sec, I need to vomit.

    HARVEY
    Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be eating solid foods yet.

    The camera pulls up in a crane shot as Ted is vomiting and Tim is having a diabetic seizure.

     

    Chapter XI

    EXT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY

    The panel van crashes into the side of high school after suddenly bursting into frame with a passenger side view of the van. It stops with a violent crash. The sliding door on the van opens, Ted and Tim exit through passenger side sliding door, supporting each other. Harvey rushes around, temporarily stopped when his tattered robe is caught on the bumper but fights his way free to help Ted and Tim.

    TED
    They’re going to be here any second!

    Tim coughs up blood.

    HARVEY
    Wait, this is a high school. I spend a lotta time round these…for business reasons.

    They continue to drag each other forward.

    TED
    Yeah, so?

    HARVEY
    If we go in there yelling about guns, they’re gonna lock the place down!

    TED
    But we ain’t got no guns!

    HARVEY
    That don’t matter, they hear the word, the place is locked like a nun’s asshole!

    Tim coughs up some blood.

    TIM
    It’s worth a try.

    Tim, Ted, and Harvey look at each other for a moment.

    TED
    Fuckit, we ain’t got nothin’ better.

    INT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY

    Tim and Harvey drag Ted through the front doors.

    HARVEY
    I’ve got a gun.

    The staff in the hallway continue about their business.

    TED
    It’s a semiautomatic gun!

    The staff screams in terror and scrambles.

    CU A BUTTON IS PUSHED.

    CU EMERGENCY DOORS SHUT. The school is on LOCKDOWN.

    EXT—SCHOOL—DAY

    A black van marked FBI in yellow letters screeches to a halt. A hit squad exits the van followed by ROBERT, who exits the van in slow motion, adjusting his impeccable suit, a long-faced man with gray hair and a darkly shadowed face. Still in slow motion Robert and his goon squad pass several Dade County Sheriffs frozen in fear.

    INT—SCHOOL—DAY

    Tim and Harvey are dragging Ted down the hall when the door at the far end of the hall is breached with explosives. FBI goons come pouring in followed by Robert.

    ROBERT
    We can end this peacefully. Just tell everyone you work for the Russians. You helped steal the election.

    Harvey stops and turns.

    HARVEY
    You’re the piece of shit working for the Russians!

    ROBERT
    That’s not the story the people will hear. And that’s all that matters.

    HARVEY
    You want to talk about public opinion! I built public opinion for 20 years for you assclowns! And this is the thanks I get!?

    ROBERT
    Kill them.

    The clacking of stupid Hollywood guns being loaded when they already should have, then just before the FBI raid team opens fire, a group of high-school kids walks into the hail of gunfire. Killing the teenagers, but allowing Ted, Tim and Harvey to escape out the other exit.

    EXT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY

    Harvey and Tim load Ted into an unlocked car in the parking lot.

    HARVEY
    Tim, do know how to hotwire this?

    TIM
    Why, cuz I’m black?

    HARVEY
    Well, yeah, and you’re like fucking smart.

    TED moans in agony. Tim coughs up some blood.

    TIM
    Yeah, I can do it.

    TIM rips apart the steering column and touches two wires together, like in the movies, and the car starts, he gets in the driver’s seat.

    TIM
    Get in bitch! If I’m gonna stereotype I be goin’ all out!

    Harvey gets in and the car screams away.

     

  • The Myth and the Mouse: A Journey in Fan Editing

    The Myth and the Mouse: A Journey in Fan Editing

    Part One: The Myth

    Fan editing is a fairly simple concept, it is taking an existing film and using video editing software to alter the film in some way. It rose to prominence in 2000 when a video called ‘The Phantom Edit’ started making its rounds around Hollywood. This was a re-edited version of ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’, and as internet technology grew this video was made available to people across the country. As video editing software became more ubiquitous more people took on fan editing as a pastime and began sharing their work across the internet.

    But wait, back-up, let me start earlier. When I began as a young film maker I didn’t have access to the best equipment. This was the early 90s and I didn’t come from a very well off family. When I started I had only a 1987 VHS camera that I borrowed from my aunt. Since I didn’t have any friends who were also interested in film making, my early attempts were mostly stop motion with Fisher Price Little People. I edited these in-camera; meaning I would push ‘record’, wait for the mechanism to engage, count to five, push ‘stop’, move the characters and then repeat until I was done.

    Later on, in the mid 90s, my brother-in-law had a Hi-8 camera I could borrow, and by then I had a few other kids who were interested in acting for me. This was a time of great anticipation; ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’ was coming, the first trailers had debuted. So, naturally we made a Star Wars Fan Film. It was simple and crude, but I upped my editing game to what is called ‘linear editing’. This is basically two VCRs hooked together, or in this case the Hi-8 camera fed into a VCR. In linear editing you play the cut you want on the first machine while recording on the second. Slow, sloppy and not very fun. This cut of the fan film was lost over time.

    When I made my way to film school in the early 2000s, a new way of editing was making its way from the echelons of Hollywood to the lower classes. This was ‘non-linear editing’ (NLE), or what we know of today as editing software. This was made possible by the advancement of digital video, where it became cheaper and easier to import video onto a computer system. The gold standard was (and mostly still is in the industry) Final Cut Pro. My film school had a whole new lab of Macs to learn on, but the underclassmen didn’t get much time on this new equipment. Instead we spent our time in the dark dingy recesses of a building in a true editing suite, where we would cut actual film by hand and splice it together with tape. We weren’t even allowed to use the automated machines, we used hand cranks. Before I was allotted much time on the NLE system I had to drop out of school for a whole host of reasons, but by this time the price of computers and digital cameras had come down enough that when I returned home I had equipment and could begin.

    Part Two: The Mouse

    Once at home and working a full time job I had money to buy equipment, and now more friends interested in participating. I now had the lowest end NLE program, Windows Movie Maker, and decent digital video camera. Thus I began a spree of shooting and editing films. I got better equipment, worked on techniques and eventually enrolled in a new school closer to home. It is around this time that I did my first ‘fan edit’. I put it in quotes because I didn’t really change anything about the film. You see, my favorite film of all time is ‘Fight Club’. I have literally watched it over a thousand times. Most of these times I had put it on to help me fall asleep, I suffer from insomnia quite often, but this film lulls me to a soothing sleep. There were some problems with that though. There are certain points in the film where the loud noises would wake me up once I had finally fallen asleep. Then the movie would end and go back to the DVD menu, the music of which would also wake me up. It is for those reasons I ripped the movie onto my computer and, well, I just quieted down those loud parts and put it on a DVD with no menu music. That was it. But it was a step.

    It was around this time that news of ‘The Phantom Edit’ finally worked its way to me across the internet. It had never occurred to me before that I could do that myself, I don’t know why. Other than that first small foray I had never thought about changing the work of someone else to better fit my vision. Sure I knew what parts of movies I would have cut had I been working on them, but it had never crossed my mind to do it after the fact. Thus began experimentation. I started out with that very same film ‘Star Wars The Phantom Menace’, a film I saw many flaws in but also some virtues. Gone were midichlorians. Gone were a vast array of fart jokes. Gone were stupid kid lines. This first cut was clunky, but showed promise. I began tinkering with the next few films in the series. Gone is Anakin’s whining about sand. Gone was so much of what I hated.

    There is a saying that if it were up to the film maker a movie would never be finished. You always see something you want to tinker with. George Lucas has proven this himself with all his fiddling with the original trilogy. I am the same way. Every time I watch my work (either my original work or fan edits) I always see something I can improve. I also like to try new techniques each time I do an edit. For this reason for a long time the three prequel movies were the only fan edits I did, because it is always an on-going effort, every few years I redo the edits to try and make them work better. As a matter of fact in preparation of this article I found new changes I wanted to make to one of the films. And also, for the most part if I like a film I don’t feel the need to tinker with it. It is only the cases where I see something that I love buried in a pile of shit that I invest myself to try to bring my vision of another person’s work to life. I’m a grown man with a life size R2-D2, if I see something Star Wars related that I think I can make it entertaining to myself, I’ll do it. Alas, alas the new trilogy…

    Mostly what I tried to do was align the prequel trilogy with the original trilogy, along with removing some of the bad performances and childish jokes where I could. As I mentioned above, this included getting rid of references to midichlorians, but also a few other things like the fact Anakin was ‘already a great pilot’ when Obi-Wan met him. So gone is the kid hero accidentally saving the day, now he is just a good pilot strong in the force. Truly Anakin should have been at least in his early teens, but that is not something I have the power to fix. My approach also meant cutting things others may not agree need be cut, like Yoda using a light saber. My feeling from the original films was Yoda represented the more pacifist side of the Jedi. As I had to piece together a more cohesive story while cutting out so much, I also reinstated a few deleted scenes, which aren’t great but I felt moved the characters forward better. Alas, just as I do not have the power to change Anakin’s age in the first film, I also had no control over the video quality of these deleted scenes where I could find them so they are mostly glaring in there inclusion, but I feel make for a better film.

    Also, as I said I like to try new techniques, sometimes I don’t do them as well as I would like, but they serve their purpose in terms of the story. There is also the saying attributed to Shakespeare, ‘brevity is the soul of wit‘. This is usually only applied to comedy, however, I’ve found it works with most things in film. The more common saying now is ‘less is more’. And this is why many action sequences become boring and stale. So contrary to what many people many think, cutting the length of an action sequence can cause it to have a greater impact on the viewer. The action sequences in the prequel trilogy are terribly bloated. I have tightened those.

    A more recent case was ‘Man of Steel’ and ‘Batman V Superman’. I love Batman, and I really like Superman. When I watched ‘Man of Steel’ there were some parts I liked, but no way to connect them into a truly entertaining narrative. I had higher hopes for ‘Batman V Superman’, but the film itself was a mess. However, in the way the story was laid out, a grand vision emerged in my mind. The connections between the two movies were clear in my head and I began writing a cohesive narrative within my brain. So, when ‘Batman V Super: Dawn of Justice: Ultimate Edition’ was released on blu-ray I set to work combining the two lackluster films into one cohesive story. I worked on it for months, going back and forth on where to place scenes, watching and re-watching to see how it flowed as a whole. Finally I finished it. My masterpiece. And then, it sat there on my computer along with multiple cuts of Star Wars movies.

    You see, fan editing exists on the legal outskirts of ‘fair use’ laws. As long as you own copies of the movies you edit and don’t try to make a profit off of it you are technically in the clear. When you share it with a friend, it gets murkier. When you put it out on the internet for anyone to see murkier still. As many of you, I take caution in all legal matters. Thus, to this point I’ve only shared these works with a few close friends. I don’t have many people I know who will take six hours to watch and critique my Star Wars edits. Even fewer interested in seeing a 3 hour long Batman V Superman mash-up. But, as the writing of this article betrays, this is something I enjoy very much and I would like to share with others. So, for the first time ever I’m publicly sharing these works.

    I claim no ownership over the contents, they are merely a vessel for my own thoughts on the content.

    Only watch them if you own a legal copy of the films represented.

    And now the links!

    Star Wars Episode One Fan Edit

    Star Wars Episode Two Fan Edit

    Star Wars Episode Three Fan Edit

    Batman V Superman Fan Edit

    And finally, the one I’m sure you all want to see the most, that fan film I made in the 90s. No, you won’t get to see me in it, I was behind the camera. This also isn’t the cut I did back then, I found the original hi-8 cassette a few years back and cut it together, leaving in all the stupid mistakes and not polishing it up any. There really isn’t a plot, just a few kids that wanted to make a movie.