Author: Brett L

Oh, she accidentally slipped and stabbed her husband to death.

Today I’m feeling very visual. Tell me you didn’t look at this picture

And imagine her cosplaying this with The Donald

That’s what I’ve got today!

Here’s a little song for my outro.

How’s your week going so far? Mine has been trying to scramble up the mountain of incoming shit before it buries me. But I can’t complain too much. The mighty Texas Longhorns held on to beat those University of Oklahoma… people. Also, the Texans won me $1. Which, I never bet on the Texans, but my boss is from Dallas, so I kind of had to. It was a pleasant surprise.

Bill and Hillary are going on tour. I look forward to bunches of conservatives showing up at every stop with posters that have pictures of Juanita Broderick saying “#IBelieveHer”

Florida Man sets Florida Man on fire over argument at homeless camp. I’m sure it wasn’t his stable personality that landed him in a homeless camp.

In the water is wet department — scientists have discovered that veterans are more likely to experience PTSD than those who did not serve. Its almost like they are more likely to experience traumatic stress than the broader population.

Friends of Justin Bieber think he’s having an identity crisis. By his recent pictures, it seems more likely he’s dead in a swamp and some Florida Man ringer has taken his place.

Oh man, can you imagine the glorious chaos if Cocaine Mitch were to go forward with a Supreme Court nomination in 2020? Not wishing anybody dead, but just saying, if it was Notorious RBG, people might literally die of apoplectic rage.

Just watchin’ a bad-ass chick play guitar today.

Hey guys? How’s it going? I’m on beeru number three. The first two were Kirin Ichiban while having lunch with my beautiful wife. Then I took a power nap. Now i’m drinking a Sierra Nevada Oktoberfest. I’ll probably go buy some more, different Marzen style later. Don’t let that fool you into think I haven’t been working. It is hard goddamn work herding bits across a the internet from a server to the cloud. Especially when you are putting them a db that enforces all security and front-end rules. You want to move 1M records? Check back in 12 hours. And oh look at that. The teams I love most are playing the teams I hate most. The Red River Shootout and FSU-UM (Its the 30th anniversary of this disaster). You know what, I’m gonna go buy some booze and just wake up drinking and stay drunk. Its not gonna be a good day for me.

In a Friday Afternoon Nut Caress — Chicago cop found guilty of murder

Hardest hitting piece on DJT today. That never happened to the previous guy, because someone from the press corp would have removed it with their teeth.

Oh, Florida couple.

CBS reporters find out that thieves view college campuses as easy targets. First hand

I think we’ll throw down a classic Texas-centric ballad.

I am in a wonderful mood today. Just wonderful, and fuck you very much. Its a good thing I don’t have a cat to kick, and my kids don’t know how to call CPS on me yet. I’m tired of being either at work or in my house or running an errand for my damn family. Its days like these I want to steal someone else’s credit card and go to the titty-bar where I can pay for overpriced drinks and fake company. Wait, no. I just want to sneak off with a flask and a fishing rod and not have anyone talk to me or want anything from me for a whole day. Unless a boatload of bikini models want to cruise by and flash me. I’d be okay with. Also, I want a million dollars and a bigger gun collection. Okay. Poor me rant… over!

Its not exactly Excaliber, but a young lady dragged a very old sword from a lake the other day. h/t Grand Moff Serious Man

Do you think our permanent interment camps will be this nice when the Socialists take over? Also, if you’re commenting from there, give a shout out in the comments!

John McCain’s will must have given Lindsay Graham his balls back. ROWR. Still waiting for a full-on flamin’ “Bitch, please.”

I think we all know Step 2 of this plan is: Re-enact the sinking of the Lusitania.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s what every girl told her clan: “Interbreeding with Neanderthals Protected Homo Saps against viruses”

Sometimes you just gotta throw on the old stuff, and crank it up.

Hi guys, how’s it going? My contribution to GlibFit is that I way overdid it Monday after 2 sedentary weeks, and could barely make it up and down the stairs yesterday and today. I went to the gym anyhow today and did as close to my planned workout as possible, but my quads basically told me that squats were off the menu today. After I did a warmup set, they were just one giant cramp. This has happened before, so I know what did it. Power cleans are the culprit, and if I do a bunch right (ie, not pulling them with my arms) my legs are killing me. I guess maybe I should clean more, to paraphrase Warty.

EDIT: Glibfit was due to publish between H&H and this article, but apparently, H&H caused some sort of time-warp and it did not publish. We will reschedule — for 5:00pm Central today. Our apologies for the mistake. 

Even farmers aren’t safe from robots. I’ve had my eye on the open source farmbot for over a year now, but it just doesn’t make financial sense. We didn’t eat all the produce we grew by traditional methods this year.

Now men are being oppressed by the shoe patriarchy? Thank the dear, fluffy Lord I am happily married, heterosexual, and committed to my dad-bod lifestyle.

Bees! OMG Bees! Hat-tip to SP

Florida Man tries to buy 8-year old for $200k at Wal-Mart. I’d want to see the cash first, but I’d think really hard before saying ‘no’.

I guess we’ll go with the obvious one here.

Oh look at that, the death march has ended. Well, maybe it is just on hiatus. But out of the 8 hour planning meeting (I was begging for someone to kill me, or at least accuse me of molesting children so I could go to jail and get the shit kicked out of me by violent felons in Detroit) came a list of every task I am responsible for over the next two weeks, and a blanket agreement that all meetings that aren’t (a) a daily 30 minute status meeting or (b) scheduled in that status meetings are not valid on my calendar. So, amazingly, I am crushing it today at work since I can actually, you know, do the work. Somehow attending planning meetings about what work to do and how to do it diminishes my immediate productivity. I’m sure there’s a SCRUM fix for that. Alas, installing M$ Azure Tools for SSIS on not quite the latest version of Visual Shitshow has my computer DL’ing a 3 gig update file. So you get my links.

Big thanks to the people who stepped up for me last week. They bring the quality, I just bring quantity.

Get’cher moral panic right here: 1300 sex offenders’ addresses in MO can’t be verified! They’re probably rapin’ kids at a local elemetary! If anyone involved in this story had a conscience, they’d admit that the list does absolutely nothing and it should be dropped.

Today’s “Money wasted studying the obvious” winner: Lonliness is felt more intensely by the young!

I hope I get this guy as a driver when I’m transported to the camps.

In: The World is Getting Better News: Health officials openly and credibly discuss goal of ending HIV transmission in the US. One assumes that making PREP available OTC would be a huge part of this, but that may just be crazy thinking.

Thankfully, many of our Glibertariat has no reason to worry about “winter vagina” affecting their sex lives. 😉

Since I just came home from Motown, here’s a little throw-back.

Howdy, Glibs. Thanks for putting up with me actually working. I expect you’ll see a lot of guest authors in the Afternoon Links next week as I’m onsite for user testing. This week has been a hellish ordeal of Murphy’s Law and the Law of IT Projects (no matter how pessimistically you schedule a project, its never pessimistic enough). This has been a real death-march week, but things just turned around this afternoon. I feel like I have some hope of delivering something users can at least test. Note to Future Brett: Next time someone says “we want to integrate all of our organization’s disconnected databases with 6-15 years’ worth of data, AND build a CRM system in a year” — gut-laugh and run away.

Oh Florida Man — Conning straight guys into gay sex and uploading the videos. That’s not cool bro.  I mean, who are the idiots who go have random encounters where you have to wear a blindfold?

Rod Rosenstein seems to be setting himself up for a 2nd career outside the DOJ after the NYT broke this.

Found my retirement job. Taking naps with cats. That I don’t have to take care of.

Jesus Christ Florida Man, what the fuck? Branding children in your care is not okay.

If this comes true, I just want to download how use woodworking tools to make straight and square cuts. Fuck kung-fu

I need some cotton-candy pop after a crappy week.

Hey guys, how’s your day going. Mine went to “Microsoft doesn’t support native data integrations for a very key feature of one of its flagship products” hell just after the swag post. So… it looks like I’m pulling an all-nighter to write something that should already exist. Hoofuckin’-ray. I mean, this is literally why they pay me good money, but goddam I’m ready to not make a living in the “our shit works 90% the way it should and 10% in the most fucked up manner possible” space.

Also, its a pretty slow links day.

Somehow, in the action movies, it never quite ends like this when you drive a car out onto the runway.

Los Angeles, having solved all of their other problems and being a perfect city, has turned their attention to a ban on fur products. Hey, we haven’t had a good cop beatdown in years in LA, so… progress?

Is it really sexist that Apple made an iPhone too big for Trump’s hands?

Good news, comrades, now we will combine “living in your car” with “autonomous vehicles” to produce the “self-driving home”. I feel like medium-famous bands have been doing this for 50 years.

I can’t help it, I’m angry again.

Man, am I tired. Wife and I had what appears to be the 2nd best meal of the night (behind the Glib meetup in Chicago), but stayed up waay too late indulging her obsession with some cook dude who’s good at cooking things… I don’t remember his name, but I’m pretty sure he said he had tongue cancer but got better. I’m amazed by the precision of it all, that’s for sure.

Giant mosquitos invading Houston. Or as Minnesoda’s call them, “the little ones”.

Venezuela raises minimum wage, unemployment “unexpectedly” rises as well. Not to worry, comrades, that only happens in State Capitalism. When True Socialism is implemented, no running dog capitalist lackey would dare to fire a worker.

Do you want Skynet? Because this is how you get Skynet.

Carolina isn’t the only royalty-named location to get hammered by a tropical cyclone this weekend. That’s a big fucking storm, I hope the Filipinos have a Cajun Navy.

It’s been a while since I posted the theme song. Because Fuck you, that’s why.