Author: Brett L

Some of you might remember that line from when skit comedy was at least occasionally funny. As Sloopy mentioned, we will be doing a joint family vacation on the far-eastern side of the Redneck Riviera. Arranging marriages for the Glibertopian breeding project, drinking bootlegged beer from Texas, and generally exercising Florida Man style decision making. I don’t know about Sloopy and Banjos, but I explained to my wife about bail money and how to go about getting a bail bond.

Here we go. One of London’s too white cyclists takes reasonable exception to nearly being run down, goes Crocodile Dundee on the car driver.

Bees! OMG!

This is… I mean, aside from catching multiple felonies… pretty funny. Three people in MI showed up to 911 calls and impersonated cops.

This is strange reporting. An Uber driver, who may or may not have been on-duty, fatally shot a passenger in his car. The fact that he wasn’t arrested leads me to believe he had a good story about why shooting someone in his car while on the highway wasn’t a bad idea.

Jesus. This is just horrible. Probable serial killer and all-around terrible person caught in Springfield, Mass.

All right, I’m out of heeere.

I am living the definition of technical consultant – I learned yesterday what I need to implement for my client today. Next step is to take the certification practice tests until I can hit 7/10 reliably and go get a certification so I can bolster my resume and keep living a nice life by knowing how the Googles and Stack Overflow works. Search Engine Optimization as Programmer Exo-Brain, if I were writing an article on it. It beats being an actual subject matter expert.

It seems like once a day, I agree with DJT. h/t SugarFree

Well, its twice today. SLD, I’d prefer a more comprehensive and permanent solution to the problem of FDA processes, but its something

Business Insider thinks there are no winners in the Trump economy. Oookay. I have my own quibbles with the economic policies of this administration, but there is more winning going on than a Charlie Sheen cocaine orgy right now on that front. All the same bullshit “student loan debt, collapsing infrastructure, rising interest rates”. You know, things the government would do best to touch least.

Bare-knuckle boxing (state-sanctioned) making a comeback? Now what can I can do to get people to my orphan fights?

Stay classy, Florida Woman. (This is why I have my own damn pool)

Sometimes you just want to crank it up and rip the… touchscreen off? My kids also have no idea what I mean when I shout “THE VOLUME KNOB AIN’T A RATCHET, IT TURNS TO THE LEFT TOO!!” I guess I’ll have to translate that from my dad’s language to my kids’.

Happy hangover Tuesday. I hope everyone has been successfully pretending to work today. I bring you links.

I’m shocked… shocked! To find out that there was sexual exploitation going on by essentially all of the NGOs in West African refugee camps.  Wait, no. No I’m not.

Billionaire George Soros outlines plan to save Europe. I assume this is a linked monologue from the British spy service, recorded as one of their top agents was surviving a blown-cover during a deep cover operation.

Oh look instead of $300/bbl oil, Russia and Saudi Arabia got to almost $80 and then decided to pump more.

I… What sort of moron do you have to be to start a wildfire? Oh one who burns an American flag blanket to protest Memorial Day.

Finally, the Little Rover That Could has learned a new way to drill holes on Mars. I’m just endlessly fascinated by the fact that the little fucker keeps working year after year.

For the Wile E. Coyotes of every era, here’s a little afternoon chill guitar.

Happy Thirsty Thursday. I believe I’ll probably have started drinking by the time these links post. I have one meeting tomorrow and that’s mid-morning. Also, today I started making a brisket so I can celebrate Memorial Day in Texas style. I might get some pork ribs and sassages. Mmm. Yes. Okay. Enough about how awesome my weekend is going to be. The local figure skating team apparently lost last night. I guess Away Ice Advantage is a real thing this year. And now… the links

The ACLU sues California over gun restraining orders. Apparently, they believe this whole “right to confront your accuser and contest judicial actions” is a real thing. Who knew? [Link missing, now fixed]

And then there’s this… mockery… of science, claiming that NO amount of alcohol, sausage, or bacon is safe. This is demonstrably untrue. For one thing, fewer than 10% of the people in the study got cancer. Are we really to believe that 91% of the world’s population abstain from alcohol, sausage, and bacon? I’d be willing to bet that 91% of Muslims don’t abstain from all three. It is always the dose that makes the poison. The idea that exposure to a single molecule of ethanol, or a single protein denatured by the Maillard process can lead to cancer and death is ludicrous.

So sorry, Swissy and other Glibs who served in Afghanistan, a government oversight committee has labelled the efforts over the last 9 years to stabilize that nation as “a $5B failure”. Much blood and treasure has been expended. Let us wish them great success in their future and part ways.

Someone won $6M in scratchoffs? My days of evaluating people who use scratchoffs on payday as a retirement strategy “innumerate” are coming to a middle.

If they reshot The Big Lebowski today, the cable porno would go more like this.

Today someone made me thing of mercaptan, which led me to be earwormed by this.

So are the Lightning going to Florida Man up the figure skating thing or are the Caps just too cursed? I’m still gun-shy from the Astros run last year where I didn’t believe until the World Series that it was really going to happen. So I know how it feels, Caps fans. And I want you to feel it again. All right. Enough trash talking.

This guy couldn’t just get a face tattoo, no. He had to go all ISIS bomb building to get his FUCK YOU DAD in. Bahstahn Strong!

This is capitalism right here. Coffee waste product selling at 400% premium to coffee. I would love to see how a Socialist explains the development of this market.

Well, this will tie right into my facial tattoo meme. Florida Man arrested for climbing on playground equipment and telling children where babies come from. I think I like the part where the cop watched him try to pick fights with tourists for a while before arresting him. Good job, Clearwater Beach PD. Way to try to let the man express himself.

Giant, predatory worms found in France (not at Cannes, either)

I don’t believe this was a problem at Boy Scout Jamborees when I was young. We’d just have used them for pranks.

Metaphor alert —Sinkhole opens  on White House lawn. I’ve got a song for that.

Happy Monday, everyone. One of my kids is sick again. It must be the cool thing to do. Tomorrow everyone is going to school who is able to maintain consciousness and not vomiting. Not because they’re “missing school” but because it throws off my routine and they’re well enough to want to go out and play. In this case, running around in the rain like he don’t have the sense to come in. Dad, what are you doing talking out of my mouth?

Today in the links:

• Science confirms Adolf Hitler is actually dead. Plus a good rundown of Hitler myths. I mean, he’d be, I believe, the last surviving veteran of WWI at this point, so of course he’s dead.
• 8-D Chess strikes again. That man is the luckiest sumbitch in the world. I wonder how much it will cost the individual American taxpayer to keep ZTE afloat. Is corporate welfare better than trade warfare?
• But nobody is that lucky.
• Headline says this box could become the coldest place in the known universe. I got excited thinking my ex-girlfriend had a terminal illness. Its just stupid science stuff
• Pope decides tells this man God loves him like he is, gay and practicing. I’m pretty fucking cynical about this. Not that the Pope would say that in private, but that he said that to a victim of clerical abuse. I do hope any people who like to sleep with people of their same sex and want to be good Catholics get full recognition of being decent human beings who don’t deserve the scorn of any Catholic. I’m not sure I’m all about the Petrine Doctrine but it does seem to allow for the Bishop of Rome to uncover new revelations of God, if we’re going to be Catholic about it.

Speaking of the weather.

All right! Glib-fit is back. I love a chance to practice my creative fiction! I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday. I took a nap with a sick kid because you really expect me to work when I’m tired and my pathetic little snot angel says, “Daddy. Way down!”? Yeah. No go.

I know this was probably linked in the earlier articles, but I’m gonna lead with it. The shooting in Santa Fe, down south of Houston sucks. Go find somewhere else to be a murderous asshole. I am glad they took him alive. Its an encouraging trend and I hope it continues so the next generation of fanbois can watch documentaries of Cruz and this guy saying, “I hate prison. I hate it. I wish I’d died.”

On the opposite side, here’s a great effort by people to bring functional prostheses to young children. I love that they call them “bionic kids”.

I’m not sure who the bad guys are in all of this, but I don’t see many good ones.

Oh noes, does this mean the Dave Matthews Band can never play again? (fingers crossed)

Might want headphones from this one — its a little profanely grumpy.

Good after… damn. Let me come back in from the top.

Good Moooooorning, Glibs. Sloopy is back on the road this morning. Gotta feed all those moufs. In the meantime, I’ll try not to release these links an hour early and incomplete. Its like the Dan Rather days of the internet all over again “PROFESSIONAL blogs would never do that!”

In sports, Houston Rockets got run out of the gym by Golden State, Army On Ice picked up a home win to even the series, Astros lost a close one to the good Los Angeles team, Oakland beat the Bean(town)ers, and the Reds streak came to an end after they stopped play bad Los Angeles. And now… the links!

We’ll start with a story about a very nice man who humbly donated plasma as often as they’d let him for 60 years, helping generations of Australian babies with Rh compatibility. He is retiring at age 81 from doing so because the rules for donation have aged him out. Thank you, sir.

Hungary creates official “enemies list” with 200 names. Thousands more ask to join. (T/W most of those on the list work for George Soros)

So this guy got talked into running for Senate and doesn’t really want to, and now people are shocked, Shocked! That he doesn’t show up for campaign events. Maybe he really meant he doesn’t want to be a senator.

Its the cure for the common cold — only 25 years away! (Still!)

99 years ago, L. Frank Baum joined this list.

Howdy, Glibs and (mythical) Glibbettes. I hope your Monday has gone swimmingly and nobody is suffering a post-Mother’s Day hangover. I am definitely not, but damned if I feel like working. My oldest was “sick” today. His mother violated the cardinal rule — no physical symptoms, no staying home sick (I voted to send him, although he did wake up crying last night about his stomach. If he is completely faking, dude’s gonna be a great Method actor). As best we can tell he’s lactose intolerant but likes chocolate milk too much. Or else he’s got some rare disease I’m going to feel guilty about giving him shit about.

First up, I finally am starting to think the run-up in performance in mass-produced cars has gotten out of hand. Just kidding. An Opel couldn’t really go 400 MPH if you pushed it out the back of plane.

Alright, Florida Man! (And women) Caged tiger at prom causes uproar! These euphemisms are really getting out of hand. And it looks like its gonna rain all up on the taint side of Florida’s wang this week.

I wouldn’t say I gas-light my wife into thinking we’re poor, but I have suggested that maybe we don’t need new furniture as often as she would like, or that my work shoes can make it another six months. From the outside, it appears that maybe the ex-husband just lived very frugally himself. Not so frugal that he thought it was worth half the money he’d saved to stay married.

Happy Tuesday afternoon, y’all. I am pretty darn tired already. I also missed a meeting today. Whoops. Two fucking calendars. I should probably get the other one on my phone. I’m not heart-broken. My littlest, two-and-a-half is home sick from school. He, my wife, and I went out for a walk. He was cute, except that he thought I was going to carry him another mile once he wanted to be “up”. Way better than meetings.

Well, now we know where the weapons grade stupid has been coming from.

Labor Force Participation rates are out. I took a deep-dive into the actual CBO report. Crazily, the leading non-participating demographic among the pre-Social Security group is women without HS diplomas. If only there were more dangerous jobs for women, right?

I would not have guessed that Mitch McConnell was capable of developing a sense of humor. I wouldn’t have thought he had a bone in his body, but apparently he just lacks a spine.

Great shooting there, Lou. Maryland deputy shoots jaywalking groundhog.

Florida Woman and family killed dodging alligator in SC. No matter what Mr. Lizard threatens, the path of least resistance for your vehicle is usually the animal.*

*May not apply to moose, bison, or persons of Walmart

SF sent me this link to the continued adventures of female-created, “ethical” pornography. OTOH, I found this looking for a music video today. (Should be SFW)