This week, the signs are simple and clear.  So simple and so clear that I’ll be giving a free tutorial on how to read them.

Alignment the first:  Sol-Jupiter-Luna.  Sol = life, growth, benevolence.  Jupiter = government, rulership, mirth.  Luna = change, water, femininity, secrets.  An obvious reading would therefore be “prosperity for the ruler of water” or more plainly “Aquaman will have a good opening weekend.”  However, we can safely rule out this interpretation because Aquaman does not open this weekend.  But it should have.  This is what Warner Bros. gets for not having an astrologer on staff.  *koff*I’m available*koff*.  Since the naive interpretation is out, we need to go a bit deeper.  In this case, having both the Sun and Moon together being the greatest lights serves as a source of auspicity, trebly so with Jupiter being involved.  If the moon were full, this would be the maximum positive good luck arrangement, if the moon were new, this would indicate perfect social stability.  Neither are the case here.  The moon is a waxing crescent, but waxing is good.

Alignment the second:  Sol-Saturn-Venus.  The sun is still the same here, but we’re adding Saturn (time, ending, cannibalism) and Venus (love, peace, rumpy-pumpy).  There are two classic interpretations of this based on the typical reading of Saturn as “ending.”  The gypsy one (better in my opinion since it acknowledges Sol) is “a windfall resulting from the death of a female” though it can also obviously mean the figurative death of a woman e.g. the departure of someone at your employer leading to your promotion.  The more modern (and in my opinion lesser) interpretation couples Venus and Saturn to mean “the end of relationship” while nodding at the sun “to your benefit.”  This seems a bit wishful thinking to me.  My modern-modern interpretation notices that Saturn is another name for Chronos (the legendary anthrotheophage) and concludes that the only way Saturn could have an effect on such a beneficent construction as Venus-Sol is obvious:  oral sex.

The relationship between the alignments:  if these two were at 90 degrees, they would be opposing each other. There are important meanings at 30, 45, and 60 degrees as well.  Actually, some poor sod actually spent his life correlating angles with historical events and came up with a table for everything, including the angle these two are at (~55 degrees) but I don’t have it at hand so I won’t worry about it since it’s not a cardinal angle.

Venus and Mercury in Scorpio – Venus does not always refer to sexual love.  But if it’s in Scorpio, it does.  Scorpio is the scorpion; it hides under rocks, it has secrets, it is easily pissed off.  It’s the earth counterpart to the water sign of the crab.  On the human body it refers to the genitals for reasons I’ve never understood (except maybe the analogy of sticking something into a crevice and becoming poisoned).  Mercury (which is no longer retrograde thank the stars)  is a sign of change, but it is also the messenger of the gods.  So this particular conjunction is less about actually having sex, but more about news of sex.  So, porn.

Mars in Pisces – God of war, fire sign meets the fishes, water sign.  Pisces is one of the plural signs, indicating duality, contradiction, and spirit.  Since neither of these signs are involved in anything else, the meaning of this is that the skies are trying to confuse you.  Don’t let them.  Ignore astrologers, they are going to be wrong.

Saturn and Luna in Capricorn – we’ve already talked about Saturn and the moon, so we just need to talk about Capricorn.  Capricorn is kind of odd.  Everyone has different interpretations — some say it is a crocodile, some say it is a goat, some say it is a fish-goat hybrid, some say it is the god Enki.  And because of that, there are lots of different attributes associated with it.  However, everyone agrees that it is an earth sign, and probably the heaviest, most negative one at that.  Saturn’s metal is lead, so combining those two results in immense stasis, but but not the comfortable, nesting, homeostatic stability kind, more of the oppressed, nothing ever changes, there is no hope kind.  This is kind of why I gloss over it most weeks.  But, there is a glimmer (literally) of hope.  This week the waxing (good luck) moon shows up.  The crescent moon is the least powerful, but in this extremely slim crescent form it represents new life/rebirth.  So, for those of you in the darkness, look carefully because there will be a light.

Jupiter and Sol in Sagittarius – Sagittarius is the archer, and represents the civilian/peaceful use of weapons as opposed to the warrior/military aspects of Mars.  Sagittarius is also the centaur, representing the aspects of the astrologer, such as wisdom and having an enormous penis.  Leo is the sexual partner you’re with because they seem like what a partner should be, Scorpio is the partner you crave, Sagittarius is the partner that make you orgasm in ways you didn’t know were possible and how the fuck did they do that?  Also, watchmakers.  Obviously, your watches are going to run great this week.  Well, sort of.  See, on Monday, Jupiter is going to go retrograde.  What this means is that while currently it’s best to do things as if you were a devout Taoist or Confucian, starting Monday, that path is going to lead to heartache.  Instead, violate teleological norms and you’ll have better luck.  “Explore” a little.