A Path to Wellness: Part 13

INT—CABIN HIDEOUT—DAY

HARVEY stands in front of the TV in his tattered robes. He is freaking out.

On the TV is news coverage of the death of TIM.

    NEWS ANCHOR(VO)
A Missing CDC doctor has been
found dead in a river near Atlanta,
an apparent suicide.

    HARVEY
That’s fuckin’ Tim!
Oh my fuckin God!

Just then TED enters the cabin, returning from his hunting trip.

    TED
What the fuck are you on about?

    HARVEY(POINTING TO TV)
It’s Tim! They got Tim!

    TED
Shit! Is his journal still here?

    HARVEY(DROPS TO HIS KNEES)
It’s fuckin over! We’re Fucked!
They’re gonna find us!

    TED
Keep your shit together! The Journal
Is the journal still here?

    HARVEY
Yeah it’s over there on
The counter…Fuck! We gotta run!
We gotta keep running!

Ted walks over the counter and picks up the journal, leafing through it. Then he holds it up.

    TED
Fuck that! This right here is
how we win. Now it’s time to
take it to them. It’s time
we go on the hunt!

    HARVEY
What? Do you understand what’s goin
on here? The two of us against all
of them?

    TED
You’re right. We need backup. And
I know just the guy.

Ted walks confidently back to the door, puts his hand on the knob and turns back to Harvey.

    TED
Now get your fat ass up. Tie yer damn
robe shut, and get yer ass movin!

Harvey gathers himself and rises, he foppishly arranges his clothes and ties his robe shut. He strides over to the door and huffily follows Ted out.

INT—STRIP CLUB—NIGHT

Ted and Harvey enter a strip club. Music blaring ‘Girls L.G.B.N.A.F.’ by Ice T. Strobe lights flash, a crowd young men crowd the stage, ogling the strippers. Many of the customers are black men, at seeing this Harvey cowardly hides behind Ted. The duo make their way through the club maneuvering around naked dancers and half naked waitresses. They make their way to a VIP booth guarded by two hulking men.

    TED
Good evening gentlemen. I need just
a minute with your boss back there.

    GUARD 1
Unless you hiddin some titties and
a vagina under your clothes I you
ain’t getting in.

    TED
That’s funny. Harvey, this guy is funny

Ted smashes the giant man in the face and as the second guard moves to step in Harvey drops to the floor and starts gnawing the leg of the second guard. In the background a gunshot goes off and the fighting ceases. ICE T. emerges from the shadows surrounded by a bevy of naked women.

    ICE T.
What in tha fuck is goin
on out here?

Ice T. walks up menacingly and the pistol whips his own guards.

    ICE T.
Getcher damn hands of my man Ted.
These some dumb ass niggers, they’re
always fuckin up. Now what the fuck
you want Ted?

    TED
We’re goin huntin for some Deep
State fucks. Figured that would
Be something you’d be interested
in.

    ICE T.
Only if they’re dirty cops. Got a whole
new image now. I’ve evolved.

    TED(POINTING TO HARVEY)
They’re even dirtier than this fat fuck.

    ICE T.
Damn! That’s pretty fuckin dirty.

    TED
So, you in?

    ICE T.
Oh hell yes.

Comments

258 responses to “A Path to Wellness: Part 13”

  1. Tres Cool

    I laughed. I cried.
    Author! Author!

    1. Sean

      No theme music?

      1. Tres Cool

        I didnt want to push my luck.
        However, hit this fkin ish !

  2. Old Man With Candy

    Got a whole new image now. I’ve evolved.

    #metoo

  3. Suthenboy

    Still hammering away on Cavenaugh on TV. The Tad Lowe accusation hitting the news.
    These allegations are so ridiculous that even if Cavenaugh came forward and admitted to them I wouldn’t believe him, I would think he was pressured into it.

    1. Count Potato

      They are now saying his friend was part of Gamergate.

      1. Brochettaward

        Which leaves the vast majority of Americans asking themselves what the fuck are these idiots talking about?

    2. MikeS

      Shut up. Tad Lowe is a real person? No shit, I thought that letter was parody. Holy fuck.

      1. Suthenboy

        Of course it is a parody. It is someone trolling the D’s and the D’s bit.

        1. MikeS

          Oh…Excellent!

      2. CPRM

        Well, Tad Low is a real guy, he’s the one attributed to the letter. Not to be confused with Chad Lowe.

  4. Count Potato

    “Twitter has suspended, and perhaps permanently banned, the account of Georgetown Professor C. Christine Fair, apparently due to this tweet:”

    https://twitter.com/ggreenwald/status/1047078882699034624

    I wasn’t expecting that.

    1. straffinrun

      A law professor named “Fair” tweeted that. Now I know we’re living in a simulation and our creators have got their hands on some good weed.

  5. Count Potato

    “Here are the things women would do if all men had a 9pm curfew”

    https://twitter.com/i/moments/1046748428028514304

    1. Heroic Mulatto

      So what I take from that is that it’s ok, once again, for women to cross the street when they see a big “scary” black guy.

      1. Tacit Rainbow

        Now THAT is social justice! No white woman should have to suffer the indignity of…

        I can’t type it with a straight face.

        1. Heroic Mulatto

          That’s the thing. Were they around 70 years ago, these women would be screeching for the blood of Emmett Till and all the other “uppity niggers” who had the audacity of making them feel uncomfortable through their mere existence.

          1. Tacit Rainbow

            I completely agree. It is the same urge, and a similar power relationship to the lynchings and terror of the post-war South.

            But:

            In the post-war South, this was the dominant social group laying into the new and burgeoning social group, claiming they were powerless, and that they were being oppressed (while still fully dominant, if waning).

            Currently, this is a burgeoning social group, that has just tipped the scales and can lay into the still-powerful but waning social group, while claiming they are powerless and oppressed.

            There’s similarities, but I wouldn’t call them the same. I think it’s more like a Red Guard on-the-rise.

          2. Heroic Mulatto

            There are echos of the Cultural Revolution in all of this.

            Please note I was all about chicken blood before it was cool.

          3. Tacit Rainbow

            I’m with you on that. Same script. What occurred to me writing that was how this shit works as both a last-ditch effort to hold onto what you’ve got, as well as an opening move to seize domination.

            Analogy: It’s like you’re on the edge of a mountain.

            If you’re falling, this is the scrabbling you do to keep your purchase.

            If you’re climbing up, this is the scrabbling you do to get up on the plateau.

            The mechanics of scrabbling is similar whether you are going up or down.

          4. Count Potato

            Is that how bird flu started?

          5. Pope Jimbo

            Believe Christine (TW: Creepy pic)

      2. Yeah, but only if they cross to avoid the “guy” part, not the “black” part.

        Is this the new feminism? Women can do anything they put their mind to…except be within 200 yards of a man outside of their immediate family? How will this work with women becoming Navy SEALs and Army Rangers?

        1. trshmnstr

          Women are strong, independent superheroes who are delicate withering flowers whenever adversity is encountered.

          /third wave feminism

    2. Brochettaward

      I, too, would love to walk through the worst parts of Detroit without fear. Though, I think we’d need a solid 1PM curfew to make that happen.

      Your irrational fears aren’t my problem. Most of you live in safe neighborhoods with a statistically minuscule chance of anything happening to you by the way of a stranger. So kindly fuck off.

    3. straffinrun

      Be home by 8:30 and making sammiches.

    4. Tres Cool

      Oh, w/e
      You know they’d all be waking men up around 9:15 asking their trash to be taken out, or help with opening a jar of something.

    5. Suthenboy

      They would do the same things they would be doing if they could easily and legally arm themselves. The ol’ An armed society is a polite society’ isnt just a bumper sticker.

      1. Florida Man

        I’m armed and still I avoid bad areas after dark. Sorry ladies, I don’t get to wander blithely around not paying attention either.

    6. Who’s gonna enforce the curfew?

        1. Suddenly this doesn’t seem like such a bad idea…

    7. Playa Manhattan

      Here are the things women would do if….

      They were allowed to concealed carry in blue states, where all of this nonsense is.

      1. Funny how that works. I’ll bet money that most of the women responding positively to this live in blue-state suburbs or nice parts of cities. Women in the ‘burbs in carry states don’t feel threatened, and women in the bad parts of cities know how to handle themselves in high-crime areas.

    8. MikeS

      Dumbfuck:

      Randall Stephens
      ?️‍? @DrBeagleman1 · Sep 25
      Replying to @DanielleMuscato

      I’m a white guy who regularly visits other countries by himself, walking city streets after midnight while listening to music on my headphones while not speaking the language. Never even occurred to me that this was a gender privilege.

      1. Tundra

        Other countries: Canada, Norway, Austria, Switzerland.

        1. Suthenboy

          Exactly. Let’s see him try that in non-tourist areas of almost any third worldish country, say anywhere in Latin America where the kidnapping rate for gringos is unbelievable.

          1. Gustave Lytton

            Fuck that. It’s a good way to get rolled even in any of Tundra’s countries. And pickpocketed at any hour.

            The only country I feel somewhat safe with my earphones in out in public is Japan.

          2. Rhywun

            I remember the beginnings of the smart-phone era & all the warnings about hiding them – “Don’t use them out in the open!” (Actually, it was a repeat of the beginnings of the iPod era a few years earlier.)

            Now I ride the subway everyday & at least 3 out of 4 people are merrily playing with their phones with earphones in.

          3. Gustave Lytton

            I think it’s different as a native or regular resident than a visitor. Just don’t always pick up on stuff around you, and the headphones dampen the awareness quite a bit.

  6. Tundra

    I’ve evolved.

    Nice.

  7. straffinrun

    Is it OK or not OK for a white writer to have a black character say the “n” word? Also, thanks for putting all the titties in this story because without them, we’d have a pretty gross trailer. Well done.

    1. Tundra

      Definitely not OK, but necessarily OK.

      Make sense?

    2. Suthenboy

      Words only have the power we give them. I wish people would stop giving that one power.

      1. Florida Man

        If I’m going to give a word power it’s going to be poontang.

        1. Suthenboy

          I will vote for that.

        2. Tres Cool

          wang, bang, and sweet, Id hope

          1. Bobarian LMD
    3. Tres Cool

      Well, Tarantino has some ideas…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idV4GQRflHM

      1. Count Potato

        He’s not a good actor.

        1. CPRM

          He must have slept with the director.

          1. Count Potato

            He must be very flexible to give himself a footjob.

    4. CPRM

      Ice T. isn’t a character, he’s a human you fucking racist!

      1. Tres Cool

        It’s lemonade!

        1. trshmnstr

          +1 zombie Arnold Palmer

    5. Tulip

      The Wire was written by white guys.

    6. Nephilium

      Definitely OK. Assuming you think ((they)) are white.

      1. Tres Cool

        +1 The Sheriff is Near

    1. Brochettaward

      And Sugarfree would be proud of you.

      1. Tundra

        No fun, though, because he can fix it.

        1. Florida Man

          I thought you meant trump can fix it, like the other politicians that realize they haven’t paid taxes in years and just do a makeup payment.

      2. straffinrun

        He has the power to make your comment into a boof.

        1. Tundra

          Vomiting during ass-sex?

        2. Heroic Mulatto

          I would never ask the Edit Fairy to abuse her power.

          Except in a consensual BDSM context.

          1. Tres Cool

            Oh look, its fixed.

          2. Heroic Mulatto

          3. Tulip

            Is this a special edit fairy just for HM?

    2. Suthenboy

      They already tried that one during the campaign. It didn’t fly then, it wont fly now. By all means lefties…keep it up. I am sure you will sweep the polls next month.

    3. straffinrun

      “They included more than 200 tax returns from Fred C. Trump”

      How’d they get those?

      1. Tres Cool

        leaked…..duh

        1. straffinrun

          That’d be just lovely. Now the NYT is the snitch when the teacher leaves the room.

        2. Nephilium

          By the non-political bureaucrats, who are just looking out for the countries best interests.

        3. Playa Manhattan

          I guess a public trust clearance isn’t as prestigious as Avenatti claimed.

    4. Pope Jimbo

      But tax evasion by Tim Geithner was a big nothing. Right?

      1. Chipwooder

        It wasn’t me! It was that damned Turbo Tax!

  8. Tulip

    OT, but fits the title. I have been going backwards in terms of fitness. But, I pulled out a skirt that fit in January and thought ‘I’ll see how bad it is, then hang the skirt up as a goal for Thanksgiving’. IT’S LOOSE!!!!. I had made more progress than I had realized. I think this will get me back on track.

    1. Tundra

      Pics??

      (C’mon, you know us by now!)

    2. Tres Cool

      Keep the faith. I havent had a slice of bread since august, but I get faded every night on cheap light beer.
      Ive cut just over 20 lbs doing a keto-esque thing.

      1. Playa Manhattan

        “cheap light beer.”

        So…. 40 slices of bread.

        1. Tres Cool

          3.5g carb/can
          I stay under 50g

          Im keto-tastic!

          1. Playa Manhattan

            I thought you said you got faded.

        2. Count Potato

          I think cheap light beer is mostly water.

    3. Brochettaward

      Would?

    4. Heroic Mulatto

      You can do side bends or sit-ups
      But please don’t lose that butt.

      1. straffinrun

        I secretly replace my wife’s skirts with the exact same one but two sizes bigger. Keeps us both happy.

      2. Tres Cool

        My anaconda dont want none unless she’s got buns

      3. Tulip

        Hula hoop.

    5. trshmnstr

      This next week of glibfit (starting tomorrow) let’s hold one another accountable for hitting our goals. My last 2 weeks have been awful and I’ve been treading water (and gaining weight). I need a few good days before I take off for my next business trip on Monday morning.

      1. Nephilium

        Business trips always ruined any diet I was ever on. It didn’t help that I was traveling with another beer geek, and someone who just liked to drink. It’s sad that I usually do better on vacations then I do on business trips.

        1. Tundra

          Speaking for myself, I burn waaaaaay more calories on a vacation, and I’m not stressed out.

          Not surprising that business trips, uh, trip you up.

          1. Playa Manhattan

            Yeah…. Lost 5lbs in Hawaii last week. Physical activity all day every day, and I “save myself” for the good meals.

            Best fish I’ve ever had, 4 nights in a row.

          2. Heroic Mulatto

            And by “fish” you mean….

          3. Tundra

            Which island?

          4. Playa Manhattan

            Kauai. Grand Hyatt through Costco travel. Great 4 mile hike right out of the hotel parking lot.

            And… ate here 2 nights in a row: https://www.merrimanshawaii.com/fish-house/

          5. Tundra

            Damn.

            I’ve only been to Maui and that was years ago. The fucking flight is what keeps us from going back.

            We used Costco for the DR this spring. They do a nice job.

            Booked T&C for December though!

          6. Playa Manhattan

            I have the same problem going the other way.

            Mostly red eyes to the Caribbean. The hotels are nice enough to check you in at 9am, but…. my kids.

          7. Playa Manhattan

            I’ll pull up some pics. Hang on.

          8. Tundra

            Well, I’m gonna have to suck it up and make that trip.

            Beautiful pics, man.

          9. Rhywun

            Wow, beautiful.

          10. slumbrew

            We did Mama’s Fish House on Maui in July – it’s reputation is well deserved. They also know how to make a proper daiquiri – Papa Hemingway would approve.

          11. Pope Jimbo

            We have a time share in Hawaii. (Go ahead and laugh, but it is a nice halfway point to meet up with her family).

            Love, love, love that place.

          12. Playa Manhattan

            I’m not going to laugh. I have 2 timeshares in Palm Desert. Bought them used during the recession in 2009. $1000 each. I feel bad for the people who took out the mortgages. One couple in North Carolina, the other in Alberta. That’s an expensive commitment. Mine costs a tank of gas and maintenance fees.

            If I knew Hawaii laws better, I’d look into it. I’ve stayed in a Marriott timeshare on Kauai (Waiohai Beach Club), and it was awesome. But it was also brand new at the time, and that’s the worst time to buy. I’ll wait for a hurricane.

          13. Gustave Lytton

            Hyatt…? Clearly must be holding your Playa Hater meetings there. Shitlord status confirmed.

          14. Playa Manhattan

            If you’re on vacation, location above brand loyalty.

          15. CPRM

            Your love of Chipotle strikes again!

          16. Playa Manhattan

            5lbs, not 25lbs and a trip to the ER.

        2. Tulip

          I always lose when traveling despite eating out and drinking wine. I have no idea why.

        3. Rhywun

          I had like a 75 dollar daily food stipend on business trips. It’s basically an invitation to gorge on rich food.

          1. RAHeinlein

            Before zero-based budgeting.

          2. Timeloose

            I gain beer weight and loose food weight on business trips. So it all evens out.

          3. Tulip

            Exactly, I always go to nice places when traveling, and even order dessert, but I still lose.

          4. Nephilium

            I got bitched at by my boss on one trip, because I didn’t spend enough on food, and would make the rest of the department look bad. I chose to stay in one of those suite hotels (across a parking lot from the training location), splurged on groceries, and cooked for most of my meals. An expense account + cooking skills + stove top = awesome food. I could have done more if I had an oven, but I ate well that trip.

    6. Old Man With Candy

      Totally jealous. I absolutely cannot fit into the skirts I was wearing in January.

      1. Brochettaward

        Would?

      2. Tres Cool

        Pics?

      3. Spudalicious

        *vomits*

        1. straffinrun

          In case you have anything left in the tank, this ought to get it out.

    7. Playa Manhattan

      Always remember this:

      If it’s breezy, we’ll always be right there behind you.

  9. straffinrun

    “I cannot specifically say the he [Kavanaugh] was one of the people that assaulted me, but…”

    Swetnik on NBC. If I SMDH and further, I’m going full Linda Blair. Also, I have a hard time believing that gang rapists “wait in line”. At least bring a number dispenser when you go to these things.

    1. Brochettaward

      I was picturing a bunch of naked high schoolers holding clothes over their junk nervously in the hallway while everything in the living room was dancing and getting shitfaced to AC/DC myself. Who hasn’t encountered that?

      1. Tulip

        Seriously, that woman watches too much pornography.

        1. Heroic Mulatto

          Fake news.

          No such thing.

          1. Playa Manhattan

            And yet… you could disprove yourself with just one link.

            Could, but shouldn’t.

          2. Playa Manhattan

            I see your challenge below.

    2. Tres Cool

      I thought they just pulled numbers, like the Kroger deli counter…..

      1. trshmnstr

        “Number 231, step up to the counter for your order of ham wallet”

        1. Tres Cool

          #sausage-holder

        2. Playa Manhattan

          “How do you like your meat curtains?”

          1. Spudalicious

            Wispy.

    3. CPRM

      Now I remember why Kavinaugh’s name is so familiar, he must have been a character in Chuck Palahnuk’s book Snuff.

  10. CPRM

    The music accompaniment that I failed to link.

    1. Tres Cool

      that tune so funky, it coulda been a speed-stick commercial!

    2. Count Potato

      That’s awful.

      1. CPRM

        It is a seedy strip club.

  11. Tulip

    CPRM, these are great, keep ’em coming.

  12. Tulip

    Work has been incredibly stressful. I have had an assistant director basically telling me everything I’ve done on a project is crap, absolutely refuse to listen to anything my team has to say. The assistant director has a project with the same client. Our boss (director) asked me yesterday if I would be willing to take over the assistant director’s project because apparently he and the client have ‘irreconcilable differences’. My stress level has dropped. I now KNOW that the assistant director’s nastiness wasn’t about me.

    1. trshmnstr

      It’s amazing how that works, isn’t it?

      1. Tulip

        Our work isn’t crap. We were trying to get approval to submit it to a journal until this guy derailed it. I may start pushing that again. I am about the only researcher in my discipline at work that publishes regularly. This guy has 20 years on me and about 1/3 the publications.

        I know what I’m doing, and he has just been dismissive of anything I have to say. It’s been really hard to keep my temper. I have fallen back on Minnesota nice. Very similar to a southerner saying ‘well, bless your heart’.

        1. Pope Jimbo

          *eyes Tulip suspiciously*

          Is that a Minnesoda crack? I can’t tell. Will bring jello-fruit salad to your next pot luck just in case. If it turns out to not be a crack, I’ll bring a real hot dish with tater tot goodness next time.

          1. Count Potato

            You put tater tots in a casserole?

          2. Pope Jimbo

            I have no idea what a casserole is.

            And unless you have a great fucking reason, you should save your tater tots for hot dish. If you want to show off your multi-cultural chops you can substitute crunchy chow mein noodles for the tater tots

          3. MikeS

            Ah yes, a picture of tater tots right where Mr. Potato intended. In hotdish.

          4. MikeS

            Why would you put tater tots in a deep dish pizza?

          5. Pope Jimbo

            Right?

            Some people are just weird.

            * BTW, my father was up hunting in your neck of the woods last weekend for ducks and geese. All I’ve heard so far is that it was fucking cold.

          6. MikeS

            It has been a tish cool. Hoping for some Indian summer (racist!!11!!) but so far the forecast doesn’t look good. I hate bragging about how cold it is here. I really do.

          7. Tundra

            Easy, big fella. Tulip is one of us.

            She escaped, but still retains the shiv-concealed-in-a-sensible-winter-coat that people call “Minnesota nice”.

          8. Pope Jimbo

            Uffda. Sorry Tulip. *puts can of fruit cocktail and packet of lime jello back in pantry*

            I’m just sensitive about that stuff ever since the movie Fargo came out. Finally thought some writer really knew how to write good realistic dialog and then find out the rest of the country was laughing at us!

          9. MikeS

            Yeah, you betcha.

          10. Rhywun

            Nah, laughing with. If you’ve seen “Buffalo 66” you’ve seen how we talk.

          11. Tundra

            *drops gloves*

          12. CPRM

            You could always have a pastie. Like us civilized sconnies and yoopers.

          13. Gustave Lytton

            I work with an office in the twin cities. That accent is contagious.

          14. Pope Jimbo

            It is quite the deal.

          15. Tulip

            That’s a great description of Minnesota nice, Tundra.

          16. Tundra

            *tips hat, cautiously*

        2. MikeS

          Tulip; I was thinking you were an ex-pat NoDak. Are you from the bad side of the river?

          1. Tulip

            I’m multi cultural. I grew up in Minnesota, then moved to Fargo. Then escaped.

            Tater tot hot dish is good comfort food. Right up there with wild rice hot dish.

          2. Brochettaward

            Someday, I want to use the line that I’m multi-cultural. And then when people look confused I can tell them that I have a white and a whiter background.

  13. straffinrun

    Gallows humor is funny. The hangman making jokes? Not so much especially when the convict has been railroaded. I have yet to see anything even remotely funny coming out of the late night shows, left wing twitter, left wing anywhere concerning the witch hunt. That tells you something.

      1. straffinrun

        Good channel. Thanks.

      2. Count Potato

        True that.

    1. Tulip

      Too much anger to be funny. I expect he will still be confirmed. Given his 4th amendment stance, I’m not thrilled.

      1. trshmnstr

        One can hope that this process gives him a new appreciation for the plight of the accused.

      2. straffinrun

        Anger can be funny. I love Burr’s angry rants, but he admits he’s a loonatic at the end of the rant. Maybe they all are gonna come clean and the laugh track will kick in.

        1. Tulip

          His anger is still controlled. The rest are not.

          1. straffinrun

            True. It’s only funny if they reflect on how unreasonable they were and then turn the joke on themselves.

    2. Suthenboy

      I think back to the lefty college paper that was upset about the left being accused of having no sense of humor. They decided they would run an issue full of jokes to prove their critics wrong. After publication their lefty readership was so outraged they ended up having to shutter the paper.

      You cant make this stuff up.

      1. Pope Jimbo

        I remember reading something about the Ortega brothers in Nicaragua and one of them said something like “The opposition was going to print that we censor the press. That isn’t true, so obviously we had to shut them down to prevent them from lying to the people.”

        1. MikeS

          But they make great taco shells.

          1. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

            “They were made out of cocaine? No wonder I couldn’t eat just one!”

  14. Gustave Lytton

    Is the post a single column on the right for anyone else?

    1. Rhywun

      I was briefly reading on my phone while updating my desktop’s OS and yes, it was mostly squished onto the right. Back on my desktop now and it’s fine.

  15. Spudalicious

    OMWC and I once did a dinner party for a friends 50th birthday. It was at a house in the hills of Beverley Glen in SoCal. One of the guests was a short, fat, old wispy bearded Jew that wasn’t OMWC.

    He was a writer for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

    1. Tundra

      Did he teach Carlton how to dance?

    2. Tres Cool

      Norman Lear ?

    3. Tres Cool

      I’ll double-down on Gary Marshall

    4. CPRM

      One of my college profs wrote on a couple of Emmy winning sitcoms in the 90s, but not the Fresh Prince 🙁 (also he wasn’t old or ((bearded)) )

    1. Tundra

      ^^ OK, who’s gonna take one for the team?

      1. CPRM

        Red Rocket!

      2. trshmnstr

        “Not I” says the muppet whose wife is within earshot.

      3. Playa Manhattan

        It’s not that bad. Just a guy jerking a dog off, collecting the spoils, and then turkey basting the female while giving her a reach-around.

        1. Tundra

          Ah, yes. Tuesday at Glibertarians.com.

          1. R C Dean

            Family-friendly!

        2. Heroic Mulatto

          You forgot the part where the bitch twerks.

          1. Playa Manhattan

            That’s not twerking. That’s pushback.

        3. Rhywun

          Yeah, right.

          *clicks*

          Oh, my God.

    2. Tulip

      I’m not clicking that. I’m not new here.

    3. Playa Manhattan

      I saw pushback. Consensual.

    4. Spudalicious

      Heh, heh, heh. I don’t have a YouTube account so I can’t log in to watch bulldogs being artificially inseminated.

      1. Playa Manhattan

        Wait…. what kind of bulldog?

        1. MikeS

          The stupid English kind.

          1. Playa Manhattan

            Can anyone else confirm what MikeS says?

    5. Suthenboy

      I think most people would be horrified if they knew that a lot of the responses they get from just petting their critters are, in the animals mind, sexual in nature. Animals are hedonists and libertines.

    6. MikeS

      Best quote:

      You will see that you can use any plastic bag. I use Ziploc, or any of those freezer bags that you put your meat in.

      1. Pope Jimbo

        Think globally, act locally. Let’s save Gaia by re-using those plastic bags.

        Why not use that bag that you brought your lunch in to capture the next sample? And you know, why not bring that bag home and wash it out and do it all over tomorrow?

        Your grandchildren will thank you.

        1. Heroic Mulatto

          1. Pope Jimbo

            Well now you are just making it weird…

  16. JaimeRoberto

    I’m unplugging from the Kavanaugh stuff by watching Pepe LePew videos. Rape culture is real.

    1. straffinrun

      Real rapists have got to be loving this.

      1. Count Potato

        STEVE SMITH CONFIRM AND BY CONFIRM MEAN RAPE.

  17. Pope Jimbo

    This is too much!

    The fucking proggies cannot steal our gag! Fucking Hitler humor is our thing.

    1. CPRM

      Except ours are (usually) more obscure and intelligent references. But I bet these people don’t even know Trump’s brother drank himself to death.

      1. And yet it’s horrible to make fun of the drinking in the vulvacrat from Minnesoda’s family.

  18. Count Potato

    This storm is too much. Thunder was so close, I’m surprised none of my windows broke. It’s was like a bomb went off.

    1. trshmnstr

      is it fall yet?

      /85 and humid today

      1. Rhywun

        Similar here. Though 11PM forecast reads “Heavy Thunderstorms”. Yes, please!

    2. Playa Manhattan

      Where?

      1. Pope Jimbo

        Outside. Duh!

        1. Playa Manhattan

          The storm sounds closer than that!

      2. Count Potato

        It’s so loud I can’t hear you.

  19. CPRM

    Oh, I forgot to comment on this yesterday, but did anyone else who read the memo written by the prosecutor who questioned Ford notice she used the ‘no reasonable prosecutor’ line. That’s classic!

    1. Count Potato

      I did.

  20. juris imprudent

    Appropos to the discussion above.

    1. Count Potato

      I read Harper Lee didn’t actually write it.

      1. Soyboy

        Yeah. It was Shakespeare.

    2. Heroic Mulatto

      Exactly what has made Atticus Finch such an honored figure in our culture would make him a very inconvenient man at many college campuses today, where charges of sexual misconduct are adjudicated without the accused being allowed to confront the accuser or make use of other key features of our system of justice.

      Well, that, and the fact that we find out in the sequel that Atticus joined the Klan.

      1. Count Potato

        Then he stole Joey Ramone’s girlfriend.

          1. Stinky Wizzleteats

            Great song

          2. Count Potato

            At least I have the vinyl. And I think I’ve seen them play a couple dozen times.

            I remember backstage at some small club in NYC — I forgot who was playing, but they wore matching bowling shirts — I convinced Joey and Thurston Moore to stand back to back to see who was taller, and Gibby Haynes started laughing hysterically. Some guy was openly selling MDA/MDMA. So I’m thinking lots of people were rolling.

          3. Tundra

            See, now that’s a perfect rock n roll experience.

          4. Count Potato

            The stories I could tell if I could only remember them….

      2. grrizzly

        A piece of art stands on its own. The creator may be tempted to muddle it with other stuff but due to selection bias we typically cherish novels (or movies, etc) only if the author succeeded in pushing the unnecessary parts into a “sequel” (never published) or another movie. I realized it while watching the DVD extras for In the Mood for Love, one of my favorite movies. It’s obvious that one of the key elements of the movie is that the two main characters never have sex with each other, while their respective spouses have an affair. However, the director, Wong Kar-wai, always had an alternative plot line in mind where the leading male character was much more promiscuous. Fortunately, he created another movie, 2046, rather forgettable, with this idea. Even though the second movie features the same leading man, Tony Leung, it’s better to treat the two movies independently from each other.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          Maggie Cheung hasn’t been in a movie for 14 years now. 🙁

    3. CPRM

      Also, Boo Radley was ‘said’ to have done many things and paid the price for the rumors, and is the fucking hero when he murders someone who was just trying to make sure everyone #believedher !

  21. CPRM

    I know I’ve been linking a lot of We The Internet videos, but c’mon, a Presidential training video? Amazing.

    1. slumbrew

      All the ones I’ve watched have been really good.

  22. Lachowsky

    And how we burned in the camps later, thinking: What would things have been like if every Security operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive and had to say good-bye to his family? Or if, during periods of mass arrests, as for example in Leningrad, when they arrested a quarter of the entire city, people had not simply sat there in their lairs, paling with terror at every bang of the downstairs door and at every step on the staircase, but had understood they had nothing left to lose and had boldly set up in the downstairs hall an ambush of half a dozen people with axes, hammers, pokers, or whatever else was at hand?… The Organs would very quickly have suffered a shortage of officers and transport and, notwithstanding all of Stalin’s thirst, the cursed machine would have ground to a halt! If…if…We didn’t love freedom enough. And even more – we had no awareness of the real situation…. We purely and simply deserved everything that happened afterward.

    -i think of this quote often.

    1. Tundra

      Solzhenitsyn was so not woke.

      1. Lachowsky

        Not at all, but damn if he wasnt right. When is enough enough?

  23. commodious spittoon

    Yeah, well, *I* saw Christine Blasey-Ford’s ex-boyfriend talk to a stranger at a bar about how to implicate a person in lying to Senate committees, so.

    “During some of the time we were dating, Dr. Ford lived with Monica L. McLean, who I understood to be be her life-long best friend,” the ex-boyfriend, whose name was redacted from the statement he gave to the Senate, wrote. “During that time, it was my understanding that McLean was interviewing for jobs with the FBI and U.S. Attorney’s Office.”

    “I witnessed Dr. Ford help McLean prepare for a potential polygraph exam,” he said. “Dr. Ford explained in detail what to expect, how polygraphs worked, and helped McLean become familiar and less nervous about the exam.”

    1. Chipwooder

      Would that be the same Doctor Ford who acted as if she had absolutely no idea how a polygraph works?

      1. commodious spittoon

        I really want to see this woman lecture. Video must be out there. I’m going to guess the voice she put on in front of the Senate was wholly affected.

        1. commodious spittoon

          She seems a little dim, though probably overwhelmed, but with months to prepare herself and at least a week’s delay after commentators started poking holes in her weak tea story, she comes up with… a second front door.

  24. Brochettaward

    By far, the weirdest attack on Kavanaugh yet. About his days on the Starr team going after Clinton. He’s accused of intimidating a grand jury witness early on, but then of covering up the real investigation of Foster’s death…via homicide.

    Maybe I’m just too drunk to get it.

    1. CPRM

      Does that make this guy a ‘foreign entity’ meddling in US politics? it’s so hard to keep score of these things these days.

    2. Rhywun

      I’m half-sober but it’s too long and wonky for me to follow. For a “smoking gun” that writer sure doesn’t know how to get to the point.

      1. Playa Manhattan

        That’s the plan.

  25. CPRM

    Good job CPRM, I’m really enjoying this story, you are a great writer!

  26. Raston Bot

    For all the CRTV subscribers, Crowder’s latest “Change My Mind” special is Rape Culture is a Myth.

    “Are people triggered?” you ask.

    Oh yes, yes they are.

    1. I skip those episodes. I get enough talking in circles with lefties in my daily life, I don’t need it in my entertainment.

  27. mr simple

    I just want to go to bed but i stupidly got caught up in the NL Wildcard game that won’t end. Won’t one of theses inconsiderate bastards score a run? Then my wife dumped our new son on me, so who knows if he’ll go down soon.

    Well, Rockies did it. Let’s see if it holds

    1. CPRM

      This perv wants his son to go down on him! *Moral Panicker* (not that there is anything wrong with that, unless he’s a Republican)

    1. Brochettaward

      Trebek, who lives in California and is originally from Canada, wasn’t an obvious choice to moderate the forum. Initially joking that he had been drunk when he accepted the Pennsylvania Chamber of Business and Industry’s request

      Which if you wants to cast the first stone?

      1. CPRM

        *throws stone at Brochettaward, forgets why, wanders off*

      2. Gustave Lytton

        I’ll take “WTF were you thinking?” Alex, for $1000.

    2. CPRM

      I don’t like ‘news’ videos that tell me what to think about an issue, but ones that show me evidence of what occurred, and this doesn’t really tell me anything. #whyI’mnotinnews

    1. Soyboy

      I worry for this guy and what they’re apt to do to his life and reputation.