True story from yesterday: I went to a grocery store near my office to pick up some Beyond Burgers (make fun all you want, they’re delicious, at least when you can find them) that have a marketing gimmick of being placed in the meat section of the store, rather than with the other veggie burgers. As usual, I couldn’t find them, but I spotted a store employee unloading some meat into the case and asked him if he knew where they were placed. “I never heard of it.What are they?” I explained that they were some of the latest generation of fake meat. “Oh, we keep all that shit over in the frozen foods section.” I told him that I had checked there, no they weren’t there, and that I usually found them right about where he was standing. He said, “Huh. lemme check with someone who might know.”

He walked around the corner and spotted a rather tall, thin woman also unloading meat into a refrigerator case. “Hey, Natasha, this guy is lookin’ for something called a ‘Beyond Burger.’ Ever heard of that?” She replied in a thick Russian accent, “I go in back and see if it is in cold room and bring back.” She disappeared into the back of the store, and I casually said, “So she’s gonna bring back Moose and Squirrel?”

Totally blank look.

He did have his revenge, though. Natasha brought them out, he looked at them and read through the ingredients, shook his head sadly, and handed them to me. I said, “Seriously, these aren’t the usual hockey pucks, they’re really good, and my wife swears that they’re almost indistinguishable from high quality hamburgers.”

“I tried some of that Boca shit a few years back. It was shit.”

“Yes, Boca is shit, but this is different. Try them.”

He grinned widely and said,”Ahh, no thanks, but hope you enjoy ’em.” Then as I walked away, he yelled to another worker, “Hey, Frank, this guy wants me to eat some burger thing made outta seaweed!”

Ahh, Chicago!

In anniversaries and birthdays today, there’s a very special one to me: it’s the 60th anniversary of the publication of Lolita. And perhaps not coincidentally, the birthday of Roman Polanski. Also photobombing congresschimp and all-around comedy relief Louie Gohmert.

I see that this story has now entered the Grovel Cycle. At some point, someone who is a more clever writer than I am will set down the equivalent of Kubler-Ross for politicians whose careers are in the death spiral.

“I humbly apologize to Representative Chang, her husband, Mr. Gray, and to the broader Asian American community for those disparaging remarks. In the divisive age we find ourselves in, I should not contribute further to that divisiveness. I have reached out to Representative Chang to meet with her so that I may apologize to her in person. I pray she and the Asian American community can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”

Of course, an hour later, she wanted to slur Chang again.

If you’re like me, the Outrage Machine is a source of amusement. SP is not as amused as I am and gets angry about this stuff, but she’ll outgrow that. Or maybe not. Today’s hilarity is, as is has been for the past two years, TDS at its finest, as The Donald had the temerity to say kind things in memory of Aretha Franklin. HOW DARE HE!!!!!

When Trump says Aretha “worked for him many times,” he says with the arrogance of a slave owner…

SP’s point, which is 110% true, is that Trump does so much actual stupid shit, and gets away with it because his opponents are busy screaming incoherently and reflexively about unimportant or (in this case) non-existent shit.

Did I ever mention how much I hate Teams?

And one more Sign Of The Times. Goucher College was a pretty prestigious school back in the days when I lived in Maryland. Apparently they feel they need to work hard to make sure that they’re no longer taken seriously as an academic institution.

“A small college can’t just keep adding majors,” President Jose Bowen said in a statement to the Baltimore Sun. “Sometimes we need to move resources from one to another and subtract too… We believe [scrapping programs in math and physics] is an opportunity for existing programs to come together in new configurations that speak in exciting ways to Goucher College’s ideals of social responsibility, environmental sustainability, and international studies.”

Math is haaaaard.

There’s sexual kinks that I truly do not get. Sloppy seconds is one of them. And sloppy seconds at gunpoint will get you some time as the guest of the state.

The woman was one of four victims who spoke at the sentencing for Powell who was convicted in March of 60 counts, including 24 counts of aggravated sexual assault, in connection with forcing his way into motel rooms and forcing the couples to have sex at gunpoint, then locking the men in bathrooms and sexually assaulting the women.

Won’t it be fun having this guy as your cellmate?

“Make no law” seems to be a very difficult concept for Team Blue, who have gone into full frontal assault against the First Amendment by… making lots of laws. This one from Maryland was so stupid and transparently unconstitutional that even the Team Red governor refused to sign it. it was passed anyway and, inevitably, is now in the courts. Impeachment of the state legislators doesn’t seem to be on the table, alas.

The challengers argue the law infringes on free speech because it requires them to publish information about political ad buyers. The newspapers also say the law includes onerous requirements for them to make data on ad buyers available to election officials on request.

“Russian meddling” now seems to be the new universal excuse for Team Blue to use the constitution as toilet paper. In a just world, there would be a long row of woodchippers in Annapolis to reduce waiting time.

Old Guy Music! And a bit less avant garde than last week’s selection. This week, we have Detroit’s finest guitarist, Kenny Burrell, accompanied by my favorite jazz bassist and drummer. This is some fucking great playing.