The twin suns were setting, leaving a darkening red mist over the sprawling city. From my window in the hyper skyscraper I could see the floating car traffic hurtling above the bustling sidewalks. The glass of the nearby buildings glittered like gems, dazzling my eye stalks as if I was in a dream. I felt worn out like a used Kyrilomine wrapper. I thought of going home but the sensor at the door beeped, indicating a client had come into the office anteroom. I ambled back to the desk, sat on the chair, and hit the button to allow the connecting portal to open.
A strange creature strode in. She or he or it was a sad specimen with only four appendages, one pair used for mobilization, the other for grasping. The hyper-chip in my cortex connected to the Encyclopedia Universal and fed the information directly into my memory glands. Even before she spoke, I knew she was a female hominid from the Sol system. With that detail in place I could look past her alien features and see a cascading wave of blonde hair, two brown visualization orbs, an opening smeared with a red, waxy substance, and hips that were wide enough for my nesting table. Her dress, all shimmering silver, fitted the contours of her body well. Of course I really wasn’t the sort of fellow who was into c
ross-species mating, but still the old copulating sac did give a minute twitch.
“Are you Detective Balanxorp?”she asked. Her voice was higher than the female of my species. She spoke the Galactic Trade language stiffly as if she had learned it from a primitive memory impression chip.
“Yes I am,” I said with an easy cosmopolitan drawl that I used for off-world creatures. “What can I help you with?”
“I am looking for my father. He has gone missing.”
With a free tentacle, I motioned for her to take a seat in front of my desk. When she found a comfortable perch on the arch of relaxation, I reached into the desk and pulled out a sapphire bottle of off-world Muuze, the finest alcohol that a poor detective such as myself could afford.
“Would you care for a snort?” I asked.
She shook her head, giving me a look that I took to mean distaste. It’s been my experience that some species want to get straight to business before relaxing with a suitable beverage. It’s a damn shame, since communications when slightly intoxicated can lead to pleasant results.
After pouring myself a drink, I carefully put the bottle away. I took a small sip and said, “Talk to me.”
“My name is Elizabeth. My father and I are originally from Earth. He and I were taken off the planet years ago, back when I was just a child.” She made a small gesture with her grasping-appendage, which I couldn’t fathom.
“Abduction?” I asked, already knowing the answer. Some citizens of this galaxy had a thing for exploring alien anal cavities, supposedly in the name of science. It was a practice that thankfully was dying out, thanks to the work of ARSE, the Alien Rectal Safety Enquiry.
“Yes,” she replied smoothly.
“And your father’s name?”
“Dr. Edward Tinsdale.”
In a microsecond, the Encyclopedia Universal returned the biographical data I requested. It took me another moment to digest the information, quickly sorting through the man’s education, age, and background.
“The famous cryptid researcher?” I finally asked even though I already knew the answer.
“The very same,” Elizabeth said with obvious pride. “My father has been all over the galaxy researching legendary monsters. He’s had some success, like proving the Slithering Eels of Sexylvania were just a hoax. But he did prove that Tulpa, the Internet Troll, was real. I’m afraid the fame went to his head. He returned to our home planet Earth to find the most dangerous cryptid of all, STEVE SMITH. He wanted to prove to everyone that the Rapesquatch was real.”
I knew already that she was from the Sol system, but I directed my network connection to look up some information on Earth. A top-level warning flashed painfully across my neurons. It turned out that this planet was under active quarantine, always guarded by a Trade Federation battleship against anyone from exiting the solar system. Earth was apparently home to three Galactic outlaws: SugarFree, Warty, and STEVE SMITH.
Expanding the search, I downloaded the thumbnail sketches of these criminals:
SugarFree: the nom de plume of a writer who was convicted in absentia in the Federation Galactic Court, for his non-fiction musings of popular politicians. He was also guilty by association for being the official Chronicler of Warty.
Warty: Powerlifter, eternal enemy of the galactic state, and owner of most efficient “workout” dungeon on the planet. Considered by many to be the most dangerous creature in the 7th Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. Warty is the only known survivor of being attached to the infamous Doomcock of Doom; and doing the Deathsquat of Death, which caused the rings of Saturn, a huge gas planet in the Sol system, to form. His illegal Timesuit allowed movement in all four dimensions, which, in this case, made the Federation battleship useless.
Pausing momentarily before downloading the next entry, I wondered why the Federation would go through all the expense of leaving a warship in orbit around a third-rate backwater of a planetary system. The answer was readily ap-
parent once my neurons, which revolted in horror, processed the next entry.
STEVE SMITH: An ancient, immortal Rapesquatch of unknown origin. Said to have been sent back in time and trapped on the planet Earth during its early formation, this cryptid has sexually conquered most of the species there. The only safe creatures are the ones that can fly or live in seas. STEVE SMITH only lives to rape and rapes to live. One galactic physicist, though considered a crank, thought the very formation of the universe, the Big Bang, was actually the result of this Rapesquatch penetrating a white hole making it explode. Though only mythical, the secret, ancient transcripts from the Federation archives show the council had taken the threat of this Rapesquatch seriously enough to post a Level-A Star Battleship in the Sol System.
I inwardly shuddered, trying with difficulty to hide my disgust. If STEVE SMITH escaped, then my very own rectal cavity could be in peril, not to mention my other orifices. The very tightness of the Universe was at stake.
With an expression that I took as expectation, she asked, “Well, Mr. Balanxorp, will you help me find my father?”
My tentacles quivered in agitation. I took another sip of my drink in a failed attempt to quiet my nerves. I blurted out, “If your father has been taken by STEVE SMITH, then nothing can save him. There is nothing I can do!”
Her eyes were misting with some liquid substance. “Please!”
“This meeting is at an end.” I slammed the desk to punctuate my point. “You will have to leave as I have some pressing business to attend elsewhere.”
The creature named Elizabeth ran out the room, making some untranslatable noises. I hoped I had seen the last of her. Little did I know this was the very beginning…
The End. Or is it?
Comments
259 responses to “In Search of STEVE SMITH”
This is where my suspension of disbelief ended.
There are no safe creatures.
I thought your BDSM partner was supposed to stop when you mentioned the safe creature.
SEA SMITH AGREES.
*nods sadly in agreement*
What have we done to deserve such fantastic content this weekend?
And in the last post, the Olympia Beer discussion didn’t even have the actual music to go with the song lyrics, but we do now! So sing along with me:
Are there, or aren’t there, Artesians?
Do you think one will ever be found?
Well just pour us another cold Oly my friend,
The question is worth one more round!
::sighs, ardently:: “You had me at copulating sac…”
I think that’s the new, integrated Scouts BSA term for “sleeping bag.”
“Now ist ze time in Scouts BSA ven ve enter the Copulating sac!”
Sharing a tent with Hans and Franz?
Well, BSA does stand for “Bisexuals Sharing Ass”.
When I was in seventh grade, me and my buddy were forcibly removed from camp for “tee-pee creeping”. Never mind that we were invited by the girls and were roughed up pretty badly by the teachers, we then had to leave the premises the next day in front of all of our peers. I was crying so hard that my nose bled but you know what? I got my first french kiss and a feel of nascent boobage and Darren and I were legends for a few weeks. Totally worth it! My Grandpa picked me up at the school and he laughed and laughed.
Grandpa sounds cool.
To go from the high of those “firsties” to spending the next four days running laps and writing essays was a bad bring-down. Thank Zod I was staying at my Grandparents’ because I’m pretty sure that my mother would have literally tried to murder me. Not an exaggeration.
relevant: Canteen Boy skit from SNL
https://youtu.be/hcZq0ooNCoA?t=1m22s
Ohh.. cliffhanger ending. Excellent!
Some citizens of this galaxy had a thing for exploring alien anal cavities, supposedly in the name of science.
I’m reminded of the Penn and Teller Bullshit! episode on aliens.
So there are no links?
Oh look! Some of the best posts we have had …. and I found the one guy kvetching!
At least it was on topic.
…not really, but we’ll let you off with a warning this time.
If joes aren’t complaining, something’s wrong.
*panics, checks SIPR to see threat level*
STEVE SMITH is a lowly amateur compared to this creature:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGwC7U6Sf3o
“With a free tentacle”
All my best stories start the same way.
So….you are a Japanese anime/manga author?!
I’m not sure where I was going with that comment… I got lost in a glass of bourbon shortly after posting it.
*shrug*
And no, I’m not an author.
Evidently they exist.
If I lived in SC, Id vote for the guy.
#metoo
the Deathsquat of Death
Brilliant!
I…I have seen Warty lifting. It is….impressive. The rest of us mortals measure ourselves in micro-warties of strength.
Will there be a cameo by Mr Lizard’s people?
Who do you think is enforcing the blockade?
Yes, fan service!
“a Level-A Star Battleship in the Sol System”
Day-um. I … uh, don’t suppose you could could give a few of us a bit of a warning should you feel um…compelled to start “enforcement” action, hmmmm? Plz?
Bravo.
Every sphincter was in peril. All and sundry.
Oh, clench all you want….that won’t do any good, you know. STEVE SMITH might even … enjoy it more.
“Tight makes right!”
And yes, Swiss, my Grandpa was a fucking cool dude! A red-headed hell-raiser with a gleam in his eye and a smoke in his paw. He’d settled some by the time I got to know him but he lived a hell of a life before he got saddle-broke.
Everyone should have a grandparent like that, Festus – My maternal grandmother was in the same mould.
*applause*
I’m still eating dinner. This changes nothing.
Hiya, Lord H! Long time, no see!
Please forgive my breach of personal protocol(do not post a comment outside of the context of the provided links until either one hour or one hundred posts have been submitted. I break that often, deplorable me). But, since I’m rip-roaring drunk at the moment, I want to be very clear(yes, my punctuation sucks. Da’ fuck do you want from me? Those of you who know me from TOS know I’m a lush who’s been hit in the head a few thousand times too many).
*burp* So, while I’m feeling open and honest, I just want say that I love you guys. I really fucking do. Even though I get the suspicion that at least thirty percent of the founders hold me in mild contempt, as they should; I know I offer little in the way of profound insight. Despite that, I’ve never received anything from this community that resembles more than mild jabbing. Even at TOS.
I’m aware this is in large part a result of the soft bigotry of low expectations but either way, I appreciate it.
What? Why would you think that?
I don’t know any of us that dislike Trigger Hippie.
Now that son of a dripping bitch Playa Manhatten…
I keep what I earn.
*glares balefully*
BTW, if you haven’t seen Singdam YOKKAOSaenchaiGym (Yes, that’s his actual fight name) getting knocked the fuck out by Tie Yinghua, it’s a beautiful thing. (@ 2:10)
Is that a slice of lime for a bite guard?
That explains the giant bottles of alcohol everywhere.
It’s alright Tulpa.
/grabs another beer
No. Everyone knows that hate me. I can just smell the rolling of the eyes whenever I come around.
Green Day?
On the turning away…
Despite that, I’ve never received anything from this community that resembles more than mild jabbing. Even at TOS.
You’re just begging for punishment, aren’t you? :-p
STEVE SMITH GIVE MORE THAN MILD JABBING
“…Slithering Eels of Sexylvania were just a hoax”
Like the Rape of the Sabines. I don’t know why they came up when I read that sentence.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rape_of_the_Sabine_Women
Mmmmm, Sabines.
How does Samsquanch fit in all this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJphX1WtVSY
Went out for Chinese buffet for lunch. There’s a chafing dish with thin slices of red meat submerged in what looks like lukewarm water. The label says “raw beef.” wtf?
It’s a trap!!!
Had to swear off Chinese take-out, recently. It’s a damn shame because there is no better comfort food when you are deathly hungover. Fuck you Livah and fuck you Kidnays!
True, and for my money it’s either Singapore chow mei fun or good ol’ General Tso’s, although my local does a “House Special Soup” that’s basically a light broth with a little bit of everything: blanched broccoli, carrots, and cabbage, shrimp, pork, beef, and chicken. We’re lucky to have a Chinese take-out that’s cheap, close, and absolutely phenomenal.
Wow. They should have labeled it, “Beef Cleanse”.
ARSE, the Alien Rectal Safety Enquiry.
LOL. Got to keep checking fire safety sake!!
Fire safety sake not fire.
LOL!
Rectal Fire Safety Sake? Japanese anal alcohol?! Nipponese butt chugging?
For safety’s sake
I hate auto correct and fat thumbs
It was better in the first iteration.
Beer is affected my response.
STEVE SMITH only lives to rape and rapes to live.
Well done sirs
Can I cancel all my submitted posts? This puts them all to shame. Wish I was married to a lawyer so I could spend my time writing.
Shades of Eddie!
Don’t speak ill of the dead. It’s uncouth.
Yes, but I have a shocking lack of tact.
Well, you’re a glib, so that’s to be expected.
Well….yeah. *nods*
*narrows gaze*
Sounds like a bad 70’s romance novel turned TV movie. CBS is now proud to present a very special edition of our Sunday Night Movie, “Shades of Eddie” starring Karen Valentine as Pam, Dirk Benedict as Dick and introducing Jimmy Van Patten as Eddie.
Mmmm….Karen Valentine.
By far the hottest teacher on Room 222.
70’s hot was weird hot or maybe it was just because I was tumescent from 1976 to 1982. Chicks had flaws but that made them more desirable for some reason. Pre-jumbo Anne Wilson was my dream girl and my high school girlfriend looked a lot like her.
I hate when I have a clip I’d like to link, but doing so could dox me, so instead I sit here and think about how funny it would be if I were able to share that clip and don’t have anything interesting to say.
Did you make them or will the combination of them lead one to decifer who you are? By the way this is not an uncommon concern.
Yes?
Always a concern but I figure the older that I get, the less I give a fuck. I’ve given away my hometown and first name on here but I’m not too worried about it. Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke!
My first name is Patrick. My hometown is Rochester, NY. Knock yourselves out.
Yeah, I work in TV and radio, a bit different the way that business works in regard to political views and cartoons of talking hats of literally Hitler.
You’ve done what now?
*looks cluelessly past my own handle*
I’ve got a last name that’s rare enough that putting it out there would link me to this handle forever. To my knowledge, there’s only about 20 people with the same last name as me.
and 10 of them is yer cousin-wifes?
How people can look at the character assassination game going on and the the pitchfork wielding Twitter mobs and say, “This is what will make society more decent!” is beyond me. Naive assholes being manipulated by ill will ideologues. And if you don’t want to play the game at all? Too bad because that means you agree with everyone you are not attacking.
Bravo.
as a lover of chandler/hammett, i am always overly-sensitive to parodies of them (some are home runs, some miss the mark), but this was excellent.
Friends fan, eh?
I confess, i don’t even know which one that was. In the 1990s i was pro-Seinfeld, anti-Friends. the real sticking point to me was how unrealistic their apartments were. (this was true of most TV shows set in NYC. everyone had sprawling, huge manhattan apartments, yet their jobs were usually like ‘shitty artists working in coffee shop’ or something.
OMG. I used to comment about that! Still do when my daughter watches reruns.
Yeah, the Seinfeld set was one of the few to attempt something realistic. I watched a little Friends back in the day but you know what? Never watched a re-run. Ever. Couldn’t care less.
Great story Lord H
This is possibly the most ridiculous case of “So woke it broke” I’ve witnessed yet.
(and if this has already been mentioned elsewhere, forgive me)
There’s a video of the incident floating around, i think. Here’s the official facebook-statement of the bakery, which surpasses any parody you could possibly contrive. probably the most insane line: “We also recognize that simply firing the employees is not nearly enough to fully address the incident”
The incident in question involved ‘someone not being able to buy a muffin’. But that someone was a *professional equity activist*. Oh, and its in Portland. Shitshow naturally ensued, and many intersecting oppressions were revealed
Yeah, we talked about it the other night. Should have locked the doors. By the way, I was at a local hardware store at 2:58 and they close and 3pm in Saturdays, so they locked the doors while I was in there. Why in the hell do small hardware stores close early on the weekend when everyone is trying to get shit done? If you want to close early, do it during the week when everyone is tired from work, not on the weekend when everyone is trying get things checked off their list.
…i’ll guess its that most of their business actually goes to contractors, who show up really early on weekdays, and generally don’t do shit on weekends. stores can forgo late-weekend shoppers w/o denting their revenues. (*i did painting/roofs/driveways/windows in college and the workday was generally ‘be on site @6am, quit around 3-4’
but yeah, that’s fucking annoying.
FWIW my local pet store does the same thing. 12-3 on Sundays. WTF?
I think it’s a mom ‘n’ pop thing. The staff is literally some family. I just make sure to get my stuff after work during the week.
No, hardware store that closed at 3 is a local chain. I get my small town one closing when profits are low (which always seems to be when I need something) but this was in the bigger town, local chain closing at 3pm on a Saturday.
And to top that off, I needed SINK water supply lines, but accidentally grabbed TOILET water supply lines in my haste to get out of the workers way at the end of shift, so it was the wrong size connection.
Because fuck you, that’s why?
Heck, in my small city there was no shopping on Sunday until they built a new mall in the mid-70’s and the downtown area didn’t have Monday shopping until the hardware store magnate/cum Mayor was voted out of office just prior. We couldn’t buy beer on Sunday until 1986 unless you went to a restaurant or were willing to travel out to the radar base and hope one of the fly-boys would sign you into the PX. Lotsa stocking up on Saturdays!
When I was a teller people who came in five minutes to closing with completed banking were inconsiderate assholes. One guy had a horrible habit of doing that and quite frankly we started closing five minutes earlier. He complained and we were honest to the manager about it. He understood after we explained to him the fucker would ask for $300 USD ALL IN ONES and stupid things like that that would keep us there for 20 minutes. People had to go home you know. Then there was the whole security issue. I forget how we responded after if at all. It was, like, 1996 or something.
That is, complicated banking requests.
I worked all customer service jobs thru college and for many years after. Those jobs are super-easy to get because they pay shit and hire practically anybody. And I will freely admit I was terrible at all of them. It takes a certain type of person to be able to deal with the public that most companies aren’t willing to invest in.
lol you want the worst? I worked in the footwear section of REI. Which basically involved having hippies feet in my face all day. the horrors i witnessed.
i was eventually promoted to ‘hardgoods’, which was selling climbing gear and backpacks and shit, which was vastly superior, at least status-wise. But when i was the footwear dude, i’d beg to be sent into the basement to do inventory or something. “Anything but more feet. please”
Hahaha I worked footwear in REI as well, I got pretty good at doing laps in the back of the store out of sight of customers.
” doing laps in the back of the store out of sight of customers.”
we ran races riding the pallet-lifter things around in the stock room
I got the job when i was pretty young (16-19 or so) I’d done a few NOLS courses @16 and this made me instant-hire material because i could explain to parents what to buy their kid when they sent them on some ‘outward bound’ type trip, and reassure them about what was worth spending the extra $ on (e.g. rain gear, good boots), and what wasn’t (e.g. down stuff, overly technical stuff intended 4 climbers, etc).
those ‘parents w/ kid in tow’ always sent the store into “CODE RED, TARGET ACQUIRED: $$$$” mode. They actually did have a PA-system code for certain kinds of customers. like “potential shoplifter”, or ‘mentally ill looking person’.
*”extension 99″ was shoplifter. The would say, “Hardgoods, extension 99” and you’d do a 360 looking for someone slipping $20 carabiners into their wool socks. If they said “checkout, extension 99”, it meant the shoplifter was bolting for the exit.
actually it was most often little old ladies. i think some huge proportion of shoplifting arrests are women. for whatever reason its a chick-crime. we also got a small # of black kids who would come in wearing knock-off North Face stuff, and try and swap it for the real McCoy. no one ever got away w/ it.
I wasn’t exactly the world’s best teller.
Oh the stories.
…go on.
NOW?! I’m watching HBO’s doc on Andre the Giant!
I worked a bunch of hotels. So many stories.
In my ski bum days I worked nights at a hotel. My duties included checking in late arriving guests, cleaning the public restrooms, smoking dope and watching HBO. I was quite good at that job.
Missed that one. Insanity.
File under: I hate people.
Whites owe blacks jack shit.
The idea of a poor white person handing over cash to Lebron fucking James is grotesque. James has more privilege than 99% of the population; even if someone calls his friends a posse or calls him a nasty word. Dude can fly to Paris for a Pernod and fly back on the same fricken day. Even little racist shits like Spike Lee have more privilege.
It’s beyond retardation.
My cousin tried to lecture me about white privilege a few weeks ago, and when I did my weekly FB check this week to see if there was anything I needed to know she had pictures of her family out water skiing. I live on a damn lake, I can’t afford to water ski! Privilege is privilege, white black brown or yellow.
You should tell her ‘white privilege’ dictates she donates her skis to blacks.
I don’t know. Technically my land has it’s own private island, so I might be privileged as well. I mean, the island is only like 10ftx10ft and I don’t have a boat that can reach it anymore, but we still pay taxes on it and the locals all think it’s public land and trespass all the time and a bald eagle lives there so we can’t actually do anything with it, so that’s privilege I guess?
“Avian privilege”
https://youtu.be/dkWDZ-vSy-8
Oh, I was hoping for this.
Its not the lady going, “this is racism” that’s so crazy to me. she wasn’t even that upset – in her video she’s like “well i’m putting this shit on facebook”, but it amounted to ‘yeah that was awkward’, not ‘my feelings were hurt’.
its the insane reaction of the bakery – the fact they fired!! multiple people and begged forgiveness like they’d poisoned someone’s children. it was this absurd over the top genuflection over a quite-literally-nothing event. and there were people leaving insane comments about “your white tears wont save you” on their facebook page too… people who just heard abt the thing and decided it was the hate-crime of the century.
I agree w. McWhorter’s argument that the SJW stuff is actually more “religion” than politics. its the desperate need to purify the world of sin which is everywhere; and its about elevating their perceived ‘moral status’, which is basically what mcwhorter calls ‘grace’
What they are going to do is purify the world of bakeries, then on to the next bunch of shitlords.
Bakeries, coffee shops, fast food joints. Breweries are next and then it begins…
The new Puritans.
They’d fit in perfectly in Salem back in the day man.
Well, see that’s the problem right there. SHE started it. What normal person videos their life and rushes to FB to publish every perceived indignity? That is crazy.
This IS the new normal, Patrick from Rochester. Do you see? Do you see?!!!
Maybe if he chartered a plane. No way to do a same day turn from Cleveland to Paris on scheduled flights.
He probably could afford to do so.
That is exactly the goal of cultural marxism – to create a dysfunctional society. Bravo, shitheads.
“When they see the reality of their world of social justice and equality they wont like it very much.” – Yuri Bezmenov
There is no wish on the SJW part for a positive outcome, they only want to tear it down. Theirs is the politics of envy and disdain for what they haven’t earned and probably don’t want in the first place. It’s an ugly philosophy.
By the by – I was very happy to learn that you didn’t get murdered in your sleep the other night! +1 Mean White Boy armed and dogged!
I can’t find the clip, but my favorite film noire parody is an SNL skit where Kelsey Grammer is a private eye who can’t think about anything except burritos.
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98bburrito.phtml
***
Franklin was on. A twenty? Nah.. I think it’s the ten. But still, three of those babies, that’s like $47.
Lois Charles: That’s $300, Mr. Stone.
Detective Rick Stone: [ gruff ] I’m well aware of that!
Detective Rick Stone V/O: $300! Hell, with that kind of cabbage, I could buy a burrito! Or I could buy a new suit and a burrito. That all-night suit and burrito place over on State Street, called the 5th Street Suit & Burrito Shack Hut. Wait.. that place doesn’t exist. Damn!
Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!
Detective Rick Stone: I’m sorry. I don’t get too many beautiful women in here.
Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don’t get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of ’em when I buy ’em and bring ’em here. Ma-a-ann, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that’s made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don’t know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It’s me. It’s cool. Burrito.
***
For you Derpy
https://youtu.be/XOsGnaeT03k
Yeah, I’ve seen that one. A guy I know got hurt pretty badly in jump school and spent a long time waiting until he got med-boarded.
I’d probably still do it if I got the chance. 5 jump chump is good enough for me; I don’t care about jump pay.
I advise you to go to jump school. To actually jump from a plane and do a proper PLF is not rocket science, but the school makes you examine yourself and overcome a very natural fear. I served in god and bad straight leg units, but I never served in a crap jump unit. They exist and too many units treat parachuting as a skydiving club instead of just a way to get to work, but the airborne camaraderie is real.
My jump wings were pinned on me in 1980 by a pathfinder who jumped into Normandy on D-Day. I still have them, you graduate and they are yours.
My tentacles quivered in agitation.
+1 Kurt Eichanwald
Sugarfree was right. I’m going to need a bigger gun.
Does the carpet match the drapes? Who cares!
http://archive.is/JfcIc
21 shows a lot of promise, but I’ll need to see her in something a lot lower cut to make the determination.
21 looks like a younger, much bustier Jenna Maroney, which… honestly, isn’t a total turnoff.
Looking at internet chicks is the worst thing you can do with your life.
And you can take that to the bank and smoke it.
Umm….I…uh…nevermind.
My pre-internet life begs to differ.
Worse than looking at internet dudes, or
Relevant.
Meh. Not into blondes.
*raises eyebrow*
Just trying to #RESIST my Arian ancestry.
*applauds*
/SJW
What do you think eyebrows are for?
Growing out freakishly long hairs sometimes?
I know a few years ago I had one that was like 2 inches long. Why? The rest fall out when they grow to like 1/4 inch, but here this one was just chillin growing to 2″, WHY!?
I get these albino-white hairs on my shoulders, out of nowhere, I’m not given to hirsuteness, and back when I had a girlfriend she’d notice and take care of it, but now I find these things two or three inches long just swaying in the breeze.
Welcome to getting old.
I keep expecting to see a patch of hair growing out of my ear holes. What that happens, it’s pretty much game over.
Tweezers, my friend.
Fuck that. I have a little nose-shaver that came with an electric razor I bought a few years ago. Should do the trick.
What surprises me is men who walk around with that… infirmity… untreated. I know as I progress through middle age I tend to be a little more cavalier about my appearance than I used to be but come on. Some oversights are just unforgivable.
I’m a big fan of Kurosawa films. Looking at a few documentaries that were made about him in his later years, he had a forest growing there.
And yeah, that’s just gross.
Thank God for that head of hair, though. No bald spot yet.
Good lord.
*headsmack for everyone*
If you want to know if the carpet matches the drapes you look at their eyebrows. Pubes and eyebrows are the same color. What grade are y’all in? 7th?
Ok mr smart guy. What about when they draw their eyebrows on with one of those pencil things?
^^^This Guy. This guy smokes the right tabbacky!^^^ Truth to tell, it was one of my first serious girlfriends that let me into that truism club. The window shades shed light unto the lower floors, as it were.
TW: CNN
Another day, another Institute for Justice lawsuit against the government for
armed robberycivil forfeiture abuse“We’ll leave you some walkin’ round money, so don’t tell nobody, boy”
If it is less than what he had been carrying, I think the CBP agents were securing their walking around money.
If it is less than he was carrying, that means he was carrying more than that. Or would that be fewer? I’m confused now…beer…
*nods, because beer AND wine*
They stole $770 off the top.
He was carrying $58,000
They sent him the letter saying they seized $57,330
So $770 went missing into the pockets of a CBP officer or two.
$58,100.
(benzodiazapemes)
Given the difficulty of the CBP in counting the money, I’m willing to accept that the money in question is not a discrete quantifiable amount. Less it is.
I’m not falling for the banana in the tailpipe.
If the vagina is the tailpipe in Japan, maybe I need to rethink my outlook on sex, for cultural reasons…
You keep your eyes open during sex? Oooh, look who doesn’t have sex with hideous women. Big humble braggart, you.
Even with you eyes closed there is an audible difference between “Oh, yeah, right there!” and “Not tonight asshole!”
PornHub begs to differ. So I was told by a friend.
It appears to be open season for Off Topic now, so here goes:
The Old Testament gives a lot of ammo to Islamists. Sheikhs quote from it in sermons. According to the OT, the Jews slaughtered and enslaved people, turned to sin, persecuted and punished the prophets god sent to correct them, and ended up being conquered by their enemies as a punishment for their wickedness. And in the Koran, the Jews are described as Islam’s worst enemy besides Satan.
***
The following hadith which forms a part of these Sahih Muslim hadiths has been quoted many times, and it became a part of the charter of Hamas:
The Day of Judgement will not come about until Muslims fight the Jews, when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Muslims, O Abdullah, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him. Only the Gharkad tree, (the Boxthorn tree) would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews. (related by al-Bukhari and Muslim)
***
The hadiths are like extraneous texts, right? You have been trained to read in the original language, or the modern equivalent, have you tried to read the hadiths or the Q’ran in the ‘original’ test? Or is all of your knowledge from other translations? Just curious, because I’d like to be smart enough to read a lot of this in the original text, because translators like journalists can some times play a game of telephone from the original source.
The hadiths are sayings and acts of Mohamed recorded by his companions. The ones of Sahih Muslim are considered among the most trustworthy.
Here is a searchable parallel text version:
https://sunnah.com/
here is the Arabic of the quote above:
أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ “ تُقَاتِلُونَ الْيَهُودَ حَتَّى يَخْتَبِيَ أَحَدُهُمْ وَرَاءَ الْحَجَرِ فَيَقُولُ يَا عَبْدَ اللَّهِ هَذَا يَهُودِيٌّ وَرَائِي فَاقْتُلْهُ ”.
my translation:
Verily, god’s apostle, peace be upon him, said “you will fight the Jews until [the last] one of them is hiding behind a stone, which will say: o servant of god, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him.
I was just wondering about your own curiosity given your knowledge. How much of any of the books have you read for yourself without translation? (I’m not judging or chastising, just truly wondering)
I haven’t read the whole Koran in Arabic. Fun fact: neither have the vast majority of the world’s Muslims.
Most of the Arabic I’ve read is stuff like newspaper articles.
The idea that you can’t understand Islam or the Koran without knowing Arabic is nonsense. Islamic texts have been translated into English many times.
I don’t mean any ill will toward you, it’s just an argument I find tiresome.
No, I don’t assume ill will; but if I learned the language that would be my first stop, just to see if I was told it said actually said that. Like you said, a lot of people who believe it can’t actually read it, but that was also true of the bible and I’d like to learn latin, greek and hebrew to one day read that without translation; but I don’t think I’ll get around to that.
Gotta go with Derp here – you’re not really gaining anything by reading the originals (and I’m talking in general – any piece of literature, any language) – unless you have some reason to doubt the sincerity of the translator or something.
It’s not like there is any insight that can only be expressed in one language.
I just look at it all as a game of telephone. Translated history comes down to us from the same kinds of people that have divided into CNN and Fox now, only chasms farther apart. I’d just like to be able to read the sources for myself as originally written. But I didn’t learn any of those languages.
It’s not like there is any insight that can only be expressed in one language.
Usually, at least IME, the cultural barriers are much greater than the language barriers. What’s the benefit of an agricultural analogy when the reader has never stepped foot on a farm? Any subtlety and cultural context tends to be lost.
How does that give any ammo to Muslims? Not that they need it.
The OT wrapped up before Mohammed showed up. If “a long time age some people did bad stuff to some other people we don’t know” is ammo, then so is just about anything.
As far as I understand it, Mohammed was cool with the Jews and Christians. Then the jewish town he and his followers were staying in kicked him out, then he put a Jihad on them But, I’m also drunk and 20yrs after reading the actual texts..
1. The OT says the Jews were wicked.
2. The Koran says the Jews are wicked.
3. Modern day Islamists use 1 and 2 to justify hatred of Jews and Israel.
Versions of OT stories appear in the Koran, as well as guys like Moses and Lot.
The thing to remember is, when the OT talks about the Jews killing Canaanites, the Arabs see themselves as their descendants. In the minds of the Islamists, the thinking is: if this is stuff the Jews admit to doing in their own book, what actually did was probably much worse.
As a more concrete example, Islamists don’t like the story about Noah getting drunk after the flood and dancing naked around his tent. Alcohol is forbidden in Islam, so how could it be that a prophet was a drunk? They conclude that this is Jewish slander and that the OT is full of lies.
The Jews killed Jesus, that seems like pretty good ammo. I suppose that’ falls under- ammo doesn’t kill, people do.
Islam teaches that Jesus did not die on the cross, so the Muslims give the Jews a pass on that one.
***
Depending on the interpretation of the following verse, Muslim scholars have abstracted different opinions. Some believe that in the Biblical account, Jesus’s crucifixion did not last long enough for him to die, while others opine that God gave someone Jesus’s appearance or someone else replaced Jesus and the executioners thought the victim was Jesus, causing everyone to believe that Jesus was crucified. A third explanation could be that Jesus was nailed to a cross, but as his body is immortal he did not “die” or was not “crucified” [to death]; it only appeared so (this view is rare). In opposition to the second and third foregoing proposals, yet others maintain that God does not use deceit and therefore they contend that crucifixion just did not occur. The basis of all of these beliefs is the interpretation of this verse in the Qur’an:
That they said (in boast), “We killed Christ Jesus the son of Mary, the Messenger of Allah”;- but they killed him not, nor crucified him, but so it was made to appear to them, and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no (certain) knowledge, but only conjecture to follow, for of a surety they killed him not:-
Nay, Allah raised him up unto Himself; and Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise;-
— Qur’an, sura 4 (An-Nisa) ayat 157–158[6]
***
I just watched Crowder and McInness talk about Bee.
A trio of Canadians.
Very sad for you.
Technically referred to as a Rush of Canadians, right?
Hat trick
There’s a push to use Alinsky tactics against her. It’s about time the right did something besides complain about the guy stealing chips at the table and just steal them back.
Cute story for Rufus, and anyone else in customer service. Tres Sr., likes to tell the story of when he was a teller for Winter’s Bank (now part of the 5/3 conglomerate, I think). To hear him say it, the tellers were all instructed to address customers by name a the end of the transaction. So an older woman came to his window, he did whatever she wanted, and upon completing the transaction looked at her passbook (this was in the 1960’s) saw her name. He saw her last name was P-E-N-I-S-S. He said, “Is there anything I can do for you, Missus PEEN-us?” To which she replied, quite curtly, “It’s pronounced PEN-us”.
Like the Nick Cage SNL skit where they were trying to figure out what to call their kid, and then the nurse comes comes in “Mr. and Mrs. Asswipe?” “It’s pronounced Azweepee!”
+1 Keeping Up Appearances
“It’s bou-quet!”
PAY-nuss?
I’m a go-getter! Dumass material all the way!
lol. I would have immediately went to PEN-us.
Interesting……http://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/390228-london-bridges-falling-down-curious-origins-of-fbis-trump-russia-probe
That is what makes me think the Russia hulabaloo is a political hit job right there. It was claimed the russkies hacked the DNC at the same time the Clinton Campaign was paying Steele to meet with Russians to dig up dirt on Trump #PissHookers but none of that raised FBI eyebrows but by god they had people sniffing around the Trump campaign because some drunk guy said the russkies had dirt on Clinton. WTF? That makes no sense. Why not have “spies” in both campaigns to see who is talking to Russians? That is rhetorical of course, we know why Obama did not have spies in Clinton’s campaign and it is looking more and more like the Administration was running the whole thing. Or if not running, at least set it up.
It’s getting all rather interesting, innit. Like ‘bama bought Trump his reelection with this deck-stacking horseshit interesting. Like maybe some high-level spooks go to jail interesting.
at this point you have the option of believing one conspiracy or the other. Either TRUMP WAS ELECTED BY RUSSIA!!!! Or, the Other Team TM made up a bullshit investigation to hinder a sitting President until the midterm election. It is unfounded, either way a conspiracy theory will be proven true for the first time in all of time.
Go to jail? Hah! Clapper blantantly and publicly perjured himself but is still a free man. No one, outside of the Trump camp, is going to prison.
And that example right there is why the FBI and DOJ should be dismantled. It is a joke. Send them all packing and start over.
DNC ‘Fact Checker’ here, their were no ‘spies’ in the Trump campaign, just informants paid by the state to infiltrate and learn ‘secret’ knowledge from people ‘affiliated’ with ‘The Trump/Russia Campaign TM”
All of the operatives are on national television saying it with a straight face, too. I find it hard to lie and can’t help meself from squirming and looking to the side but these assholes are so adept that they bug their eyes out and try to make the interlocutor feel bad for even questioning the chosen narrative. The DNC smells from its head to its tail.
It always goes up to the top. To pick one random example… nobody believed Chris Christie was unaware of Bridgegate. Same shit here.
Of course Obama knew. He would have been briefed daily about a “counter intelligence” investigation like this. The question seems to be when did it start, and who the hell started it? I got ten bucks on Valerie Jarret.
Twenty on DWS.
Watching Strangers on a Train. I guess Hitchcock isn’t a supporter of the thin blue line. Cops shoot at their (innocent) suspect and hit bystanding carrousel operator. Another carny goes to stop the ride. First cop says be careful and starts to move to stop him. Second asks if he wants to do it instead and first one shuts up.
Ah, Strangers On a Train, the birth of Pojama boy!
From a technique standpoint, Rope and LifeBoat are better, from a story standpoint Strangers on a Train is almost perfection.
I would throw in Shadow of a Doubt from that era as a really well-done film.
re: white privilege – do the descendants of slaves owe anything to the descendants of former Union soldiers. Soldiers who never owned slaves, yet suffered the deprivations of the 19th century battlefield, and often suffered life-long injuries to free them?
Fine, you want reparations? Sure. Only you have to pay your own reparations to those people. By an amazing coincidence, the amounts are exactly the same.
If they ever do decide to pay reparations outright (they are already doing it indirectly), I hope they make the HQ of Reparations in Antietam.
I say, I say boy it should be Appomatix!
Fredericksburg if you want to quibble about major battles and the uneven loss of life therein. Storm the entrenched enemy uphill five or six times until you run out of reserves.
I just chose Antietam because it gave Lincoln the “win” that he needed to release the Emancipation Proclamation.
Some win, some proclamation…
For over 50 years whites have been discriminated against for college admissions, jobs, and contracts in the only structural discriminition allowed by the state. All while being victimized for murders, rapes, and other violent crime from blacks at multiple times the rate they victimize them. Additionally they are subject to taxes used as direct wealth transfers on average to blacks. They get all those privileges.
If historical wrongs are precedence for reparations then the transfer should go the other way now.
Gah. It’s same fucking story up here in Canada. We’re bending forward and backward and the Natives won’t be content until they are sitting firmly on the throne.
And I say there should be no throne! When will Canada get rid of the monarchy!? Pussies!
Not until you ask us nicely with a “Pretty Please” on top!
“All while being victimized for murders, rapes, and other violent crime from blacks at multiple times the rate they victimize them.”
Reminds me to check Colin Flaherty’s youtube channel. Ah. It’s been taken down. Again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7nSbxCmQ3o
The idiots who censor this, what do they think they’re accomplishing?
Additionally they are subject to taxes used as direct wealth transfers on average to blacks.
Citation needed. I am not sure there aren’t more white trash on welfare than there are black folk on welfare.
I remain confused – my ancestors didn’t arrive until after slavery was abolished, yet my skin tone is quite pale. Do I own reparations form something my forefathers weren’t involved in?
(I suspect I know the answer)
TBF, the Irish _were_ involved in slavery, as slaves, but that was awhile ago and nobody is looking at Italy, Norway or Sweden for reparations.
Dittoes. The whole thing is so ridiculous but everyone is supposed to take this stuff seriously, as if it would actually happen. Like mass hypnosis or something.
It’s not about historical wrongs committed by your ancestors. It’s about the treatment that white people are not subjected to that POC have to face EVERY SINGLE DAY! Even if it were true that America is this racist, hellhole for POCs, the idea that not being oppressed is somehow “privilege” is insane. Absence of oppression means you are liable for the actions of those that oppress others. Turns the idea of justice on its head.
My forebears came here as indentured servants, IOW slaves! Part of my gene pool has been here for at least fifteen thousand years. Who pays whom? Does my Scottish side pay the Indian and the Government pay the Scot? I’m pretty sure my ancestors were perfectly happy, gamboling through the heath and heather until the Redcoats showed up. Forty Hectares and a moose is all that I ask, Mr. Trudeau. Seems reasonable.
the times the hand of fate tried to stop Hillary Clinton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hci6iJhGfTI
she was surprisingly calm when that light almost crushed her
She’s looking really bloated lately. A giant queef is building up. Hold on to your toupees.
And there seems to be some technical difficulty with the device that keeps her head attached to her thorax, requiring some concealment while the nanos complete their repairs.
Toupees? Have you not seen the footage from those atomic tests? Hold onto your pine trees morelike.
remember when Morgan Freeman narrated ads for Hillary Clinton?
Pepperidge farms remembers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iDRu2q2cRw
I cracked wise about this kerfuffle last week and feel kinda bad about it but I’ll repeat the joke – I hope that every one of Morgan Freeman’s weird Negro freckles is akin to a notch on his bed-post!
This is what some Senators do over the weekend………..https://twitter.com/BernieSanders/status/1002960169716801537
This sequence is such a perfect crystallization of derp… I… I can’t even.
My takeaway is Sen. Gulag took a weekend getaway in sunny California to escape the rain. Am I wrong?
Fucking Bernie! Why doesn’t he just give it up and retire to his lake house to yell at ducks and random passersby in their fishing boats?
Tell that to my neice who has a fuck-ton of marginal utility working for Disney…watching ankle biters light up with huge smiles when they meet their favorite character.
I hate BERNIE
Tonight I learned that Keith Morrison is a Canadian. Send him back to Mapleland and end our long national nightmare.
Nope! No givsies-backsies! You get to keep Celine, Bill Shatner and ONE Justin. Them’s the rules.
Ok. 50% of the lot isn’t bad.
http://cdn.thumbs.fapdu.com/FapDu/n/gg/3a/e9/uk-glamour-model-alice-11.jpg
NSFW.
Tits.
I’m channeling the impossibly old police constable from Hot Fuzz, if you can’t tell.
The two ABQs are still up. Here you go.
http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/images/otrc/2010/photos/120531-otrc-miss-usa-bikini-photos-new-mexico.jpg
Eugh.
I mean I’m sure someone’s all about that, but
Skeletor on gazelle legs. It’s not great. She’s probably lovely. But that picture ain’t.
Q’s gonna reveal hes the father of this Joanne Nosuchinsky looking babe, and I’m going to have to bid adieu to you kind folks who put up with me till Q made an ass of me.
Skeletal? She seems to have pretty robust, muscular hips and thighs. No bones showing anywhere I can see.
I’m willing to bet that her panties smell like “You wish”!