Ultrarunning: A fucked up sport for fucked up people

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...is the essence of ultrarunning.

Hey! That's not ventriloquism but it is funny, at least to some.  
Same with ultrarunning: it's not ventriloquism, but it is funny, 
at least to some.

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This article is a quickly written, poorly thought out, biased introduction to the hobby.

     You ready?

     Ready anytime you are!

Technically, an ultramarathon is any foot race longer than 26.2 miles.  Typical ultra distances are 50k (31 miles), 50 miles, 100k and 100 miles.  Marathons are, more often than not, done on roads, and conversely ultras are more often done on trails.

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People run for many different reasons. Ultrarunners tend to run because they like how they feel as they are running. Some people get into ultrarunning through more traditional running (e.g. track and field or cross country); others come into it through hiking (sometimes through through-hiking).

Did I mention that ultrarunning isn’t really running? The nomenclature can be confusing. Someone who has finished an ultramarathon may casually say, “I just ran [name of ultramarathon] ” when in reality that finisher spent a good portion of the time walking or hiking. I guess the boastful may be deliberately choosing a misleading word to make the accomplishment sound bigger, but ultrarunners use the same word when talking to other ultrarunners who know full well how much walking might be involved (depending on the “runner,” the course, and the conditions).

You don’t have to be Albert Einstein to do the math and figure that someone who completes a 100 mile “run” in 29 hours is not running all that time. In fact, some people do complete ultramarathons without running at all. More typical is the mid-packers strategy of hiking the uphills, and running the flats and gentle downhills, and standing still or even sitting when eating or using the bathroom. Yes, there are exceptions even to those rules testified by little wiggly lines in the sand.

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Consequentially, “running” an ultramarathon can be easier (potentially *much* easier) than running a marathon. It’s a great sport for slackers. In the middle of a “race” you can just drop your dummy and stop for whatever reason. Lots of ultra race reports include pictures that were taken by the participants during the race. You can do this when “running” a marathon (and people do), but there is often a different mindset involved.

When someone runs a marathon for the first time, it is not uncommon for that race to be that runner’s first time running that long. Typical training plans for beginning marathon runners have the training go up to 20 miles, with race day being the only time that runner does the full distance. As such, people tend to underestimate how long it’s going to take. In addition to not being aware of just how quickly they may fall apart in the best of circumstances, there’s just enough new stuff going on that virgin marathoners tend to make a lot of mistakes (going out too fast is super typical), yet they cross the finish line and are overwhelmed by emotion when finishing their first marathon.

Anywhere from seconds to weeks after finishing, the disparity between the prediction and reality becomes unsettling, but when thinking about all the mistakes that were made, the next step people often take is to sign up for their second marathon, eliminate the mistakes and see a dramatic decrease in finishing time. However, just as the nascent marathoner didn’t realize how quickly things can fall apart on one’s first marathon, it’s as easy to over extrapolate the gains that one makes between one’s first and second marathon, leading to disappointment on the third.

Some people then fall into a trap and get a bit neurotic about their marathon finishing times. They put in big blocks of time training for an event and then if anything goes wrong (weather, family emergencies, work) they feel let down. They’re no longer running for the fun of running (if they ever did that; there are a lot of people who run their first marathon for reasons other than a love of running).

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Marathon courses are typically measured to be exactly 26.2 miles long, because if they’re shorter they can’t be used to qualify for the Boston Marathon and if they’re longer then all the people who are trying to set new personal records (PRs) are going to avoid them.

Ultras, especially trail ultras, tend to be different. Often the distance of the course is an approximation; the “natural” starting and stopping points, due to where the trails are, might cause a 50 miler to be 53 miles. Whereas the presence of hills on a marathon course (unless it’s a downhill course) tend to turn away marathoners, elevation change on ultras is often seen as a way to change gears (i.e., walk!) or as a challenge. Additionally, weather (and fires) cause course re-routes, so not only is it hard to compare two different ultras of ostensibly the same size, it’s often hard to compare the same ultra from year to year. That helps break the PR-driven mindset.

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Click here to view the entire video on Vimeo

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Did I mention the free drugs? Many people get the runners high when running long but not particularly hard (after years of training, so their muscles, joints and ligaments are all used to the effort). Just watch the portion of this video that has the black and white photos.

These people are about 60 miles into a very tough 120 mile event. Look at their eyes; those people are fucked up. Look at their smiles; those people are happy! Oh, sure, the tequila helps also. In addition to the endocannabinoids your body makes, ultra aid stations often have free beer, tequila or other spirits.

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Ultrarunners tend not to take themselves very seriously. The Dahlonega Ultra Marathon Association (DUMASS)’s motto is “Poor Decisions Make for Better Stories.” The Javelina Jundred, a popular hundred mile race outside of Phoenix, has a major aid station named “Jackass Junction.”

Sure, some people bucket-list a particular distance or a particular race. Sometimes that turns into a one-and-done, but many people find that the slower pace, along with the camaraderie and feeling of freedom leads to a fun hobby that can be enjoyed for hours (sometimes days) at a time and done again fairly soon thereafter. This isn’t always obvious from the race reports and videos that people write and make, because it’s human nature to emphasize the grueling aspects or the problems that had to be overcome.

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Click here to view the entire video on Vimeo

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However, although ultramarathoning is still pretty tiny, it’s growing by leaps and bounds, primarily because it really is pretty fun (to some people) and it’s definitely a lot easier than it sounds.

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Comments

203 responses to “Ultrarunning: A fucked up sport for fucked up people”

  1. Hyperion

    “Ultrarunning: A fucked up sport for fucked up people”

    WHEN STEVE SMITH CATCH WILL BE ULTRARAPING.

      1. Florida Man

        She got off light.

      2. Hyperion

        STEVE SMITH NO CARE IF SENT TO PRISION, IN PRISON STEVE SMITH RAPE ALL PRISONERS. AND GUARDS TOO. AND VISITORS. AND EVERYONE.

        1. wdalasio

          STEVE SMITH NO LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU! YOU LOCKED IN HERE WITH STEVE SMITH!!!

        2. Enough About Palin

          The thing that has most impressed about STEVE over these may years is that he is simply incapable of discrimination. There should be a national STEVE SMITH holiday. Maybe even a whole month.

          1. Bobarian LMD

            STEVE LIKE SOUND OF RAPETEMBER OR RAPEUARY. BUT STEVE NOT GONNA TREAT IT SPECIAL. GO AHEAD AND RAPE LIKE NORMAL.

          2. But Enough About Me

            We would expect nothing less, STEVE.

      3. Playa Manhattan

        ” Later she decided to make up the rape story to win the support and affection of a different boy she had wanted to date.”

        Boy meets girl, girl makes up rape story, boy gets girl, 2 black guys go to prison, everyone lives happily ever after.

        The penalty for a false accusation should be the same as the underlying crime. And she should have to register as a sex offender when she gets out.

  2. Reading this, the whole time I was thinking about this guy

    1. Hyperion

      Not any surprise guy is a farmer. When I was growing up, I used to work for some farmers during the summer to earn some spending money. These old 50-60 year old guys were the toughest SOBs I ever seen.

      1. You see the same thing around here. One of my former coworkers grew up as one of many kids on a farm. Some of the stories he told, I’m amazed he lived through it.

    2. Florida Man

      And people give me shit for my shuffling gait. I’m not lazy, I’m efficient.

      1. I am incredibly efficient. So efficient, I’ve reduced my running effort to… zero. Lol.

    3. SP

      Wow! I was unaware of this man. That’s really something.

      1. Right? That’s amazing to me. All of these pros train for this thing for years, and he just shows up, like, “Yeah, I think I can do this. Check out my resume filled with sheep herding.”

      1. You would. Maybe lose the veil, first.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          But divorced after only five years.

          1. Pope Jimbo

            Maybe he fucked the same as he ran?

          2. Slow and steady mang. Slow and steady.

    4. Tundra

      What a stud. Thanks, Riven!

    5. Pope Jimbo

      Uffda. That was awesome.

    6. Raven Nation

      My thought too – he was an Australian folk hero at the time.

  3. AlmightyJB

    Think I’ll be utranapping here shortly.

    1. Hyperion

      Dude, it’s Friday, it’s drankin time! I just finished work, now only waiting for wifey so I can pick her up at the train station. Woohoo!

      1. AlmightyJB

        Oh I still might make it out:). Long week.

  4. A Leap at the Wheel

    Interesting. I always thought that ultramarathons were hardcore competitive races for the hardest of the hardocor. This makes it sound more like linear ultimate Frisbee.

    1. deadhead

      I hated running as an elementary school kid. I don’t remember ever running a mile (but I have a poor memory) back then. However, I did play a lot of ultimate Frisbee in high school. Pretty much every lunch and then a Saturday game. I still hated running qua running. I only accidentally discovered that I liked it when a friend had a fun run that I wanted to attend for social reasons. Before that I had already built a strong endurance base by hiking.

      1. Florida Man

        Social reasons? What was her/his name?

        1. deadhead

          Heh. I had no sexual interest in the guy who was putting it on. It was a simple 2 mile run, albeit in Las Vegas in August. At the time I had done a lot of hiking and thought it would be fun to show up and say “I’ve never run a mile before, but I’ll run with y’all.”

          I was planning on doing just that, but then I got cold feet. A family member of a friend had done some exercise on a hot day (and there may have been drinking involved) and wound up having seizures. Since I knew absolutely nothing about running, I decided to run around my block a couple times (a distance just over a mile) a few days before the fun run–just to see what would happen–and to my surprise, I liked it.

          That was July 22nd, 2009. I know the date because I sent email to a friend of mine and mentioned that I had run my first mile and “although I don’t think I’ve caught the running bug … I liked it”. I go back and reread that letter every few years.

  5. Florida Man

    Nice article. I watched a Netflix documentary on this one: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barkley_Marathons
    Neat stuff.

    1. deadhead

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRpEE-82bWc is available for free. It’s by Jamil (who is the race director of JJ100), but John Burton (of the “jacked and jacked-up” photo on the main Glibs page) makes a brief appearance. It was John’s first year at the Barkley Marathons.

    2. slumbrew

      Yep, http://barkleymovie.com/ is awesome, well worth watching

      1. EvilSheldon

        That was a great flick.

  6. Holger-da-Dane

    First “Ultimate Frisbee”, now this. Get off my lawn, damn hipsters.

    1. Holger-da-Dane

      I should really refresh before posting.

    2. Hyperion

      Just set up the typical trip lines and land mines. Works every time.

      1. Holger-da-Dane

        “Front Toward Hipsters”?

  7. But Enough About Me

    OT, but probably of interest: Charles Krauthammer’s dying of cancer. This is his second run at it, having had an operation last year to try and excise it from his abdomen. He’s saying his goodbyes, and regardless of what you may think of him, his farewell letter is classy.

    https://www.facebook.com/FoxNews/posts/10157044437066336

    1. Gilmore

      Rogan recently did an interview w/ one of these ultramarathon people. he looked like an animated egyptian-mummy. I dated a woman addicted to running for many years. she started off athletic and fit. she gradually morphed into angular and bony and neurotic. i think fitness is cool – self-destruction via over-exercise, less so.

      unrelated: i enjoy the way the term “creative persistence” is used in this piece

      1. Gilmore

        obviously gilmored that.

        *yes, people should read K-hammers bye bye piece.

      2. deadhead

        Albuquerque lost a talented runner to anorexia. She got flu one weekend and died. It happens and is tragic. Some of the people who have raced some tough ultra marathons have had subsequent issues due to rhabdo and/or metabolic syndrome. It does happen. Sounds like the woman you dated may have succumbed to an unhealthy addiction.

        OTOH, some people’s bodies are much more resilient than one would expect. Dr. Marty Hoffman has been doing a longitudinal study of ultra runners and overall they appear to be pretty darned healthy as a group.

        Self-destruction is horrible, especially for family members and loved ones, but I suspect it’s less common in ultra runners than the general populace. I know of many ultra-runners who have come from self-destructive backgrounds and turned that tendency into what I believe is a positive habit. For example, in general, ultra runners drink, but there are many who abstain because they have decided they’re powerless over alcohol.

        I am mostly kidding when I say “fucked up hobby for fucked up people”, but there’s a kernel of truth in there, if the second “fucked up” is taken as “not normal”.

    2. slumbrew

      Just saw that – classy indeed. I don’t agree with the guy on a lot of things, but we are worse off with his departure.

      1. Gustave Lytton

        Yes

    3. Scruffy Nerfherder

      The letter is classy, the people imploring him to find Jesus are not.

      I call it savior syndrome.

      1. slumbrew

        Something told me not to read the comments.

        1. But Enough About Me

          Something told me not to read the comments.

          “Common sense,” I assume.

      2. creech

        What do Christians think happens in the afterlife to good (i.e. practiced Jesus’ teachings) people who are, none the less, buddhists, jews, hindus, atheists, etc. who don’t accept Jesus as their personal savior?

        1. Scruffy Nerfherder

          Hell

        2. Enough About Palin

          I have been told that Christ died for everyone, irrespective of their religion or lack thereof.

          1. Enough About Palin

            I would add that I do not think the term personal savior is anywhere to be found in the bible.

          2. creech

            So, no Hell? All go to paradise except the non-believers don’t get to be in the presence of God?

    4. Suthenboy

      The guy was smart, articulate and principled. We didn’t agree on everything but I respect the guy. I am very sorry to see him go.

  8. SP

    > Sure, some people bucket-list a particular distance or a particular race

    And, do you have such a list?

    Even watching your videos, I’m still trying to wrap my head around how this can possibly be “fun.” It sounds like pure torture.

    1. Florida Man

      If I’m running, you should be running too, because something is chasing me.

      1. But Enough About Me

        The only things chasing me that I have to worry ’bout in The Lower Rainland™ are grizzlies. And brown bears. Er, also black bears. Um, cougars. Wolves. Bad-tempered coyotes. Those effing crows that are strafing people everywhere right now. The raptors living in the woods near my house.

        . . . criminy. I’m FloridaMan.

        1. Florida Man

          *bro-hug*

      2. Yes. Exactly.

        If I am running, expect there are zombie-velociraptors being ridden by Terminators behind me.

        1. Florida Man

          I’d watch that.

        2. Social Justice is Neither

          When does this movie hit the big screen?

    2. deadhead

      It’s not exactly a bucket list, at least not how I think of bucket lists, but there are definitely some ultras I’d like to do, primarily Hardrock 100, Western States (again; I DNF’d my first attempt), Tor des Géants and UTMB. Before anyone asks: I’m not interested in attempting the Barkley Marathons. Hardrock is pretty tough, but doable by mortals.

      1. SP

        And what does DNF stand for?

        1. Did not finish.

          1. deadhead

            or Did Nothing Fatal.

      2. But Enough About Me

        If’n you’re interested, this race is beautiful:

        https://www.canadiandeathrace.com/

        I’ll be in Grande Cache for a wedding in late August/early September. The bride-to-be was one of the organizers of the Death Race for awhile.

  9. Drake

    Thanks. I just learned I was an ultra runner for much of my 20’s – as was every Marine in the Infantry. We regularly speed marched over 26 miles. I did over 40 miles in a day once – with a full combat load.

    1. deadhead

      Congrats! One of us! FWIW, I plan on another Glib article on the Bataan Memorial Death March, an event that I learned of via Gary Johnson’s candidacy. Its name sounds disrespectful, but it’s a big deal to the honored attendees (people who were on the actual Bataan Death March) as well as the participants.

      1. Gustave Lytton

        I started looking into it after mentioned in a previous comments. A foot march with or without a load at your own pace, just have to finish by a certain time sounds like a goal for me in the future.

        1. Tundra

          Yeah, I love hiking so something like that appeals to me as well.

          And the T-shirt is probably pretty cool.

        2. deadhead

          Plan on doing it next year. Each year the number of vets from the real Bataan Death March are fewer. The memorial march is held on a Sunday and the day before some of the vets on the real march speak. It is life changing.

          1. Florida Man

            Did your avatar just change?

          2. deadhead

            Yup. Computers are tough, but SP schooled me.

          3. SoberPhobic

            I was interested til White Sands Missile Range. never again.

          4. Bobarian LMD

            Better that, than FT Irwin.

            The worlds largest cul-de-sac.

          5. SoberPhobic

            was there ’83 and still find sand and spiky plant tips in my stuff.
            Giant kitty litter box.

      2. Tonio

        Thanks for the article.

        I’m considering doing the BMDM next year.

    2. Pope Jimbo

      Fuck Drake. You were in the infantry? I might have to rethink my opinion of you

      I think one time they tried to make us go on a march of 10 miles and it took our squadron about 2 before we thumbed a ride with a passing truck.

      1. Pope Jimbo

        Uffda. I had “” surrounded by my goofy made up <swinging-with-the-wing-puke> tag and it got swallowed up.

        Didn’t mean to throw shade on the infantry.

  10. Tundra

    I love this article. I have a completely new respect for ultras. No one fucking told me there was booze and drugs!!

    When someone runs a marathon for the first time, it is not uncommon for that race to be that runner’s first time running that long.

    How about the runner’s first race ever? 1995 Twin Cities Marathon. My first and only marathon. My first organized race, ever. I was in a bagillion races over the next 20 years, but 25K was the longest I ever did.

    I admire you crazy fuckers.

    1. slumbrew

      You would like this: The Marathon du Médoc: running the world’s longest, booziest, race. It’s on my wife’s bucket list.

      1. But Enough About Me

        Back when I was actually running, this was the only marathon I ever seriously considered doing.

        I’m a sad, sad man.

      2. Tundra

        Lol.

        Glancing at the pack of Smurfs already finishing off a bottle of vino (it’s 9.30am), and the oversized baby having a fag in the starting zone, I’m not entirely convinced regulations are quite as stringent as they would be back in the UK – though I’m hardly complaining.

      3. deadhead

        There are a surprising number of races that are off the radar, including ones that involve drinking. There’s the “A” Mountain Challenge down in Las Cruces. It’s a 24-hour event where you run as many times as you want around a four mile loop. You can do it sober or drinking. The drinking category requires you to drink a beer before each loop. I did 12 loops and then celebrated by drinking some stronger beer.

    2. deadhead

      The Duke City Marathon was my first race. I did it a little less than three months after running my first mile, but I was already regularly hiking the Crest Trail, which is over 26 miles long.

      At that DCM, I stopped to use a portapotty at the half way point and could barely get off the pot. I had to use my arms to pull myself up, because my legs had no lift. Then I could barely walk, although eventually I was walking and even running a little bit, until mile 20. At that point my right knee told me in no uncertain terms it was done running. I walked the remaining 6 miles. I’ve since finished over 100 marathon or longer races, although in all but a tiny handful I’m sandbagging and just running at a comfortable pace.

      My body is much better at this than it used to be, so what I do these days beats me up way less than what I did in my early days. I run six days a week (and bike on Sundays) and almost all of that is at a heart rate of 130 beats per minute, meaning it just feels great (runner’s high).

  11. Here’s a race that’s only been completed 18 times by 15 runners.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barkley_Marathons

    Side note: I HATE running. Back when I was still playing competitive soccer I could run 11 miles in an hour. That was half a lifetime ago and was only for the purpose of training. I could put up with the running (which I hated) as long as it made me better at the sport (which I loved). Now, I’ve got shitty knees and am old and useless so (like those above) I don’t run unless my life depends on it.

    1. SP

      Is that the same as Comment 5? 😉

    2. Florida Man

      Fine, I won’t click on your booby links anymore…wait, no…

  12. SP

    So, in your next article, would you please explain how one trains for something like this? And what about (non-alcoholic) calorie intake etc?

    (Not that I have ANY plans to even attempt such a thing, but subcultures are very interesting.)

    1. Florida Man

      subcultures are very interesting.-

      Yes! I love learning about things people are passionate about. It might not be what I’m into but I still find it fascinating.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    Charles Krauthammer’s dying of cancer.

    As long as he dies of something.

    signed,

    Not a Nice Person

    1. CPRM

      Seeing Ultraman led me to think about the Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad toy I have from my childhood and then led me to remember Guyver. (They all have a similar look, that’s why ma brain connected them)

    2. The Last American Hero

      Who thought it was a good idea to use solar power for your giant robot?

  14. deadhead

    I have an appointment across town. I’ll be back in a few hours. I’m happy to answer any questions people may have.

    BTW, I’m aware that I’ve provided enough info that it would be trivial to figure out who I am. I don’t care if people know, but I’d prefer my name not actually be posted in the comments, because I don’t want searches for my name bringing people here. OTOH, nobody agreed to that precondition, so it’s just a request.

    1. Tundra

      No worries, dude. We’re all in the same boat. Thanks for writing the article!

    2. tarran

      Too late, Tulpa! We’re on to you!

    3. Scruffy Nerfherder

      Whatever you say Tom Cruise

    4. SP

      No worries here. There are quite a few of us whose careers/personal lives would suffer for the same reason.

    5. You’re the guy in the green loincloth thing right?

    6. The Other Kevin

      You gave me an idea for another article, which would have some identifying bits in it about me, but I would expect that courtesy as well.

    7. commodious spittoon

      Too late, my friend. I know where you drink!

      Headed out to Lake Heron for the weekend, by the way.

    8. R C Dean

      I have been incredibly lax. I could probably be doxxed in a heartbeat.

  15. CPRM

    I love hiking, but I have trouble walking on any uneven ground these days. I need to get one of those walking sticks or something I guess.

    1. But Enough About Me

      They really help. Really.

    2. Rufus the Monocled

      I can lend you one of my orphans.

    3. Tonio

      Those are called trekking poles, CPRM.

      Or Wookie poles if one is a ‘Wars fanboy. /joke

  16. RAHeinlein

    Great article deadhead – I despise running and genuinely enjoyed!

    I’m interested in the community/interactions between runners. I have a loner image in my head, but availability of spirits at ultra stations sounds is making me rethink.

    1. Count Potato

      Does thus mean there are no afternoon links?

      1. No worries, if there are afternoon lynx, there will be afternoon tits.

  17. Chipwooder

    The Dahlonega Ultra Marathon Association (DUMASS)

    Wow, it’s not every day you see a reference to Dahlonega. I only know of the place because my uncle lives there. Talk about podunk….although actually it’s grown a lot since the ’90s when he moved there.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    I’d prefer my name not actually be posted in the comments

    Okay, Tulpa.

    1. Dr. Fronkensteen

      They jumped the shark when they put Pick up Artists on the list.

      1. Gadianton

        Indeed, the SPLC resorted to claiming that PragerU videos “function as dog whistles to the extreme right,”

        Someone here said it the other day: If you’re hearing dog whistles, you might be a dog.

        1. Gadianton

          Bah. Blockquote fail.

  19. Chipwooder

    Well now!

    Joe Gabriel Simonson
    @SaysSimonson

    SCOOP: BuzzFeed News confirms to me that its editors knew about the romantic relationship between Ali Watkins and James Wolfe, chose not to disclose this fact on her articles anyway in what appears to be a major ethical lapse.

    My latest via @DailyCaller:http://dailycaller.com/2018/06/08/exclusive-buzzfeed-confirms-it-knew-about-ali-watkins-relationship-with-indicted-senate-official/

    2:40 PM – Jun 8, 2018

    That there’s some quality journalismin’.

    1. Gustave Lytton

      Who?

      1. Chipwooder

        This is about the story we were talking about in the AM links – Ali Watkins is a reporter who wrote the initial story that Carter Page was approached by a Russian agent. This was leaked to her by a Senate staffer named James Wolfe, who also happened to be her boyfriend. Wolfe has now been indicted:

        Wolfe, 57, is charged with lying to the FBI during a Dec. 15, 2017 interview about whether he knew the journalists and had contact with them on certain dates. In one case, Wolfe denied knowing a reporter with whom he had been in a romantic relationship for four years. He is also charged with lying about giving that reporter, Ali Watkins, information about Page.

        The indictment cites one message that Wolfe wrote in December to Watkins, a former BuzzFeed reporter who now works for The New York Times.

        “I always tried to give you as much information that I could and to do the right thing with it so you could get that scoop before anyone else,” Wolfe wrote to Watkins, whom he dated from December 2013 to December 2017.

        Now it’s come out that Buzzfeed knew that this chick was banging her source for the story and said nothing.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          Ah ok. thanks, I missed that.

          My shocked face is gonna wear out from all the reveals.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    I’d be worried if I *wasn’t* on the SPLC’s hate group list.

  21. Count Potato

    “Portland in Flames After Alleged Racist Incident at Vegan Bakery”

    https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/06/07/27192471/portland-in-flames-after-alleged-racist-incident-at-vegan-bakery

    It’s not literally in flames.

    1. The Other Kevin

      You had my hopes up for a second.

      1. Count Potato

        I was kind of disappointed myself.

    2. Playa Manhattan

      “The story goes back to May 10, when Lillian Green, a black woman and an equity director in the Oregon Department of Education, ”

      Hmm… I think I have it figured out now.

    3. Scruffy Nerfherder

      Portland is a city of people walking around looking for “racism”. I can’t be surprised when they find some.

    4. Gustave Lytton

      What a shock that the original whiner is a State of Oregon parasite.

      1. Playa Manhattan

        She’s no ordinary parasite.

        1. Gustave Lytton

          https://www.oregon.gov/ode/students-and-family/equity/Pages/default.aspx

          What a shock. A state sponsored racist unit, that conveniently ignores the state’s largest minority group.

    5. Chipwooder

      “I want to tell you about a disturbing, heart wrenching experience I had,” she says

      Lulz….oh the horror! The agony! You weren’t served when you came in after the place was closed! MY GOD, HOW DOES SHE FIND THE STRENGTH TO SOLDIER ON?????

    6. AlmightyJB

      Fuck that bitch and fuck that bakery. I’d feel sorry for the employees except they probably would have never been hired by the dickweeds if they weren’t sanctimonious assholes as well.

    7. Scruffy Nerfherder

      Ha!

      Unsurprisingly, the baker is a leftist too. He’s going to get hoisted by his own retard. He’s going to find out that the game is not about truth and fairness, but winning the media victim game.

      1. The Other Kevin

        It’s all fun and games until you become one of the eggs.

      2. Playa Manhattan

        He doesn’t realize that he’s not even playing the same game as she is.

        She’s out to get special treatment, and willing to use the race mob to get it.

        The bakery is closed, bitch.

  22. Playa Manhattan

    I did an ultra when my car ran out of gas on I-5 at 1am on the way back to college. A smidge under 44 miles, IIRC.

    I do not recommend. I’m grateful to live in the age of cell phones now.

    1. Chipwooder

      Jesus, no one drove by in all those miles?

      I ran out of gas one night on my was back to college from home on I-64 between Richmond and Charlottesville. Fortunately, it was only about 5 miles to the closest exit. Unfortunately, it was also about -2 degrees out. I made it about 4 miles before a passing state trooper picked me up.

      1. Bobarian LMD

        And the Paul Harvey?

        Chipwooder told him his tale of woe, and as the trooper began unbuckling his pants, he said “Just ain’t your night, is it, boy.”

        1. egould310

          ???

  23. Count Potato

    “I Think My Friend Is a Jordan Peterson Fan. What Should I Do?”

    https://www.thenation.com/article/think-friend-jordan-peterson-fan-can/

    Put your pants on your head and run around in a circle.

    1. Tundra

      Man, how did such a mid mannered dude get so thoroughly in their heads? Pretty impressive actually.

      1. AlmightyJB

        Because he refuses to be contrite and that really pisses off the left. Obey or be destroyed. Plus he keeps pwning them like a champ. Their actions toward him are despicable and that’s obvious to everyone.

        1. AlmightyJB

          They would have been so much better off just ignoring him. They’re not that bright though.

    2. Chipwooder

      I thought they do that anyway?

    3. Scruffy Nerfherder

      The past where they make overt assumptions about the person’s emotional/psychiatric state because they like Peterson is the best part.

      1. Scruffy Nerfherder

        Part

      2. AlmightyJB

        Yeah, I’m making an assumption that chick hasn’t told hubby about her “frend”.

        1. R C Dean

          You mean the one in her nightstand drawer?

    4. TL;DR – “I really wanted to have an affair with this guy, but I think he might be a Nazi. Is it still ok to fuck him?”

      1. But Enough About Me

        Well, since your husband’s probably not an alpha male, sure, go ahead. :-/

    5. Rufus the Monocled

      Jesus Christ.

    6. Rufus the Monocled

      2 comments. The good one has 116 up votes.

      There’s hope.

      People know. They draw the line at Peterson being ‘alt-right’.

  24. Count Potato

    “Some Crazy, Dumb Gay People Don’t Want Cops Protecting Pride Parades Now”

    http://dailycaller.com/2018/06/07/crazy-dumb-gay-people-want-no-cops-at-pride-parades

    1. The Other Kevin

      I remember not too long ago some guys on the radio were reading the police blotter from the Chicago pride parade. They fucking need the police.

      1. Dr. Fronkensteen

        Nah, just get the Hell’s Angels to do security. What could go wrong?

        1. Playa Manhattan

          How about the Nation of Islam?

          1. Dr. Fronkensteen

            To likely to condemn the participants. I’m sure there is some anarcho-capitalist private police/insurance company that can do it.

    2. AlmightyJB

      So gay people used to be cool until they disrespected our “heroes” huh? Fuck the police. But then who’s going to force people to bake them cakes and use their pronouns by force? Them? Lol.

  25. The Other Kevin

    After all these articles today, we are probably all satiated and won’t miss the PM lynx.

    1. Tonio

      But, but… TRADITION!

  26. See Double You

    Totally OT, but OMWC and SP, if you happen to see this, I saw on your trip you’ll be in Great Falls, MT at some point. You should come up to Havre (another two hours north of GF); that’s where I am!

    1. Tundra

      ^^^ It’s a trap!

      1. See Double You

        Don’t worry, STEVE SMITH can’t find his way here…too far, not enough trees to hide among.

    2. AlmightyJB

      If there are day cares nearby that should work.

    3. SP

      What’s in it for us?

      Seriously, I shall consult OMWC and our host in Great Falls. No promises, but we might be able to work it out.

      E me at sp@ this website if you like.

      1. See Double You

        Sweet. I just emailed you (or tried to – been having some issues lately with emails).

    4. Playa Manhattan

      Is that the Middle of Nowhere?

      1. Mad Scientist

        It’s 2 hours north of there.

      2. See Double You

        Close. I lived in the Middle of Nowhere for a few months, though.

    5. Endless Mike

      Havre is practically Canada, but without the nice weather.

    6. Endless Mike

      I looks like you’re going to hit Billings – it would be kind of cool to coincide a Montana meet with your visit – everybody visits Billings once in while anyway, it’s Montana’s only real city.

      1. SP

        Where are you located, Endless?

        1. Endless Mike

          Miles City – an hour and a half east of Billings – my boys live in Bozeman, so I would gladly make that run, too.

  27. Derpetologist

    I have completed 2 marathons, during which time I invented the sport of long distance limping. I was dead last both times.

    I’m not the best but I am persistent.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    I have trouble walking on any uneven ground these days. I need to get one of those walking sticks or something I guess.

    You misspelled “palanquin”.

    1. BakedPenguin

      There’s always the Rosie Ruiz method of finishing marathons.

  29. Tundra

    Musical interlude.

    For no particular reason.

  30. Derpetologist

    great moments in remove kebab

    ***
    Afonso de Albuquerque, Duke of Goa (Portuguese pronunciation: [ɐˈfõsu dɨ aɫbuˈkɛɾk(ɨ)]; c. 1453 – 16 December 1515) (also spelled Aphonso or Alfonso), was a Portuguese general, a “great conqueror”,[1][2][3] a statesman, and an empire builder.[4]

    He became known as “the Great”,[1][14][21] “the Terrible”,[22] “the Caesar of the East”, “the Lion of the Seas”, and “the Portuguese Mars”.

    In order to destroy the power of Egypt, he wrote to King Manuel of the idea of diverting the course of the Nile river to render the whole country barren. Perhaps most tellingly, he intended to steal the body of the Islamic prophet, Muhammad, and hold it for ransom until all Muslims had left the Holy Land.[65][66]

    Although Albuquerque’s expedition failed to reach Suez, such an incursion into the Red Sea by a Christian fleet for the first time in history stunned the Muslim world, and panic spread in Cairo.[67]
    ***

    1. Gustave Lytton
      1. Derpetologist

        [Nelson laugh]

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Is that the Middle of Nowhere?

    Not quite, but if you have a halfway decent arm you can hit it with a rock from there.

    1. Playa Manhattan

      See Double You actually lived in that town. The name escapes me.

      1. See Double You

        Glasgow. We thought naming our towns after ancient European cities would bring people in

        1. Gustave Lytton

          No shit? I work with a guy from Ft Peck.

          1. See Double You

            Fort Peck is actually pretty nice, being along the lake there.

          2. Gustave Lytton

            I’ve heard a lot of stories about growing up in that area over the years. Never been myself. Yet.

          3. See Double You

            It’s got a pretty neat (though admittedly small) natural history museum right below the giant earthen dam which formed the lake.

            In the winter, people drive their pickups on the lake, set up shelters , and go ice fishing.

            Pretty nice place to retire, I would think, but a little too boring for me.

  32. egould310

    Cool article Deadhead. Thanks for the insight into your insanity, so much makes sense now ?. Ultrarunning sounds cool. I love running. And trail running. And hiking. And booze. Maybe I should give it a try?

    1. deadhead

      It’s not for everyone, but there are often gentle introductions. Albuquerque, for example, has some “fat ass” (free, but self-supported) races that are looped events, where N loops is 50k, but people who are curious are encouraged to show up and do as many as they want. One is an 8 mile loop, so N is 4. The other is a 3.3 mile loop, so N is 10. Yeah, that means the 50ks are 32 and 33 miles respectively (instead of 31 miles), but ultra courses are often long (and occasionally short).

      The trick, in my opinion, to making them fun is to simply go much slower, especially in the beginning. Walk and even stop if you feel like it. Oh, and depending on the distance, you’ll eventually need to learn how to get calories to process in your system. I’ve heard the claim that more people quit ultras due to stomach / GI issues than any other single cause. It’s trickier than it sounds, although there’s a lot of good advice out there.

  33. Derpetologist

    The Bourdain suicide boggles my mind. He had everything. I guess that was his problem. Satisfaction comes from overcoming obstacles and working towards a meaningful goal. Money, pleasure, and fame won’t make you happy if you didn’t work for it.

    One of the happiest guys I ever saw was a guy named Craig Dietz. He was born without arms and legs. Among his many accomplishments are completing law school, becoming an expert bowler, and competing in many triathlons. At the end of his speech, he said that if he had the choice of being made whole, but losing all his memories or staying the way he is, he would stay the way he is.

    1. But Enough About Me

      Oh, I think Bourdain worked for it. Suicide’s a difficult headspace to understand at the best of times.

      1. Derpetologist

        That makes it even harder to understand. He worked hard, got everything, and was still unhappy?

        When you reach the top of the mountain, the only thing left is to climb back down again. I get that. But why jump?

        It’s like that 104 year old guy who committed suicide. Like you said, it’s hard to understand.

        1. Dr. Fronkensteen

          This is also I guy who was addicted to drugs at one point in his life. He also had a couple of divorces under his belt. You don’t know if there was bi-polar or other mental or health problems going on. It one thing to say from the outside that someone has it all figured out. And Bourdain was successful from many perspectives. But from the inside that’s a different story.

        2. See Double You

          I think you’re looking at the issue too logically. When you suffer from depression, it doesn’t matter how much, from the outside looking in, you have. Trust me, I know.

          1. Derpetologist

            There’s no sugar-coating it- I don’t empathize.

          2. See Double You

            That’s fine. I’m saying that, when you suffer from depression, you have trouble thinking logically. It may be true that you have everything that someone with a normally-functioning brain would kill for, and yet you feel like you should end it all.

          3. But Enough About Me

            ‘Zackly. Could’ve been something as simple as feeling his age, and couldn’t handle it. How’s that saying go? “Getting old isn’t for sissies.” I knew a guy who ate a shotgun in his 70s ’cause his age was starting to deny him all the physical pleasures of his life, and he couldn’t compensate with more intellectual pursuits (reading, hobbies that didn’t involve riding around on vehicles with engines, etc.). Unless Bourdain left a note, we’ll probably never have any real insight into the “why”.

  34. Spudalicious

    A guy I used to work with ran the Western States race once. It’s 100 miles. Lost all his toenails.

    1. deadhead

      Losing toenails sounds horrible, but it’s typically not really a big deal. The body pushes them out and they can then be torn off without pain or mess. Luckily, this guy documented it for us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq0I7T5lDmE