“They better give me a Nobel Peace Prize,” Donald grumbled.

“I’ll kill anyone I have to to get you a Nobel Peace Prize!” John Bolton’s mustache growled.

“They gave Krugman a Nobel Prize,” the hat said with a sneer.

“Actually, Paul Krugman didn’t get a Nobel Prize, he received the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences,” the hair said.

“Shut up, you autistic faggot!” the hat snapped.

“I’ll kill you! I’ll bathe in your children’s blood! MURDER!” John Bolton’s mustache screamed.

The hair clambered up to Donald’s shoulder and glared at the raving mustache.

“OK, OK, make the damn call,” the hat said.

Donald picked up the blue diplomatic phone and said, “OK. I’m ready.” He sat the handset down and turned on the speakerphone. It rang twice before clicking.

“Her-ro?” a voice asked.

“OK, who is this?” the hat asked. “Who am I talking to?”

“Who are roo?”

“I’m Donald Trump’s goddamn hat! Who is this?”

“This is the hatteu of Dear Respected Comrade Kim Jong Un, Chairman of the Workers’ Party of Korea, Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army!” the voice snapped in barely accented English.

“Whoa,” the hair whispered.

“Who is this?” Kim’s hat demanded.

“This is the Make America Great Again hat of His Most Super-Healthy Excellent Awesome Rad Dude Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America, uh, Defender of the Capitalism, Landlord of Trump Tower and Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces of the Free World!” MAGA hat extemporized.

“I was under in the impression President Donald’s hair would be speaking to me today,” Kim hat said.

“Listen here, you little felt spunk cup…” John Bolton’s mustache began.

“Nope, just me,” the hat said. “President Trump’s hair is 100% real hair. You could tug on it if you wanted to. If you were here, I mean.”

“Get to the Peace Prize part,” Donald grumbled.

“Of course,” Kim’s hat said archly. “Why have you called today?”

“Goddamn commie scum!” John Bolton’s mustache screamed. “You know why we called!” His component follicles where perpendicular with rage.

“The peace negotiations?” MAGA hat said leadingly.

“Denukabalization,” Donald muttered.

“Denuclearization?” MAGA hat said.

“Ah, yes. I remember now. I have been so busy, as you might imagine,” Kim’s hat said glibly.

John Bolton’s body dropped to his knees and the mustache began to gnaw on the Reliant desk angrily.

“Listen,” Donald said, leaning toward the phone, “I want a Nobel Peace Prize. How can we make this happen?”

“My Dear Head Host wants one as well,” Kim’s hat said. “He thinks it will make the ladies wild with lustful thoughts.”

“See?” Donald said to the hat and the hair. “I told you could we could make a deal with this guy.”

 

Is It Morally Acceptable to Make Peace With a Leader Like Kim Jong-un? …and other articles that would never have been written if Barack Omaba was still President from Slate Magazine!

The country has 1 million men under arms and some incredibly deadly rockets at its disposal—many of them aimed directly at its neighbor, South Korea. There is little doubt that any serious attempt to overthrow Kim Jong-un’s brutal regime would lead to one of the bloodiest wars in human history. For that reason, I am as glad as anyone that we are making some progress—uncertain as it is, and illusory though it may prove—toward a peace settlement.

And yet, I have also been disturbed by the ease with which virtually every participant in this debate ignores the immense suffering that a deal with Kim would likely perpetuate. North Korea’s 25 million residents live in a brutal totalitarian regime that impoverishes, intimidates, and humiliates its residents. The 100,000 inmates of the regime’s concentration camps have it incomprehensibly worse: The grotesque cruelty they suffer rivals just about any state-sponsored regiment of sadistic torture dreamed up in the long history of humanity.

All of which is to say something that should be both obvious and uncontroversial: By just about any moral standard, Kim is one of the world’s most reprehensible dictators. People who claim to disdain strongmen and care about human rights should at the very least feel queasy about the way in which the recent smiling photographs of him with other world leaders may help to legitimate his rule. Most importantly, they should feel disturbed that any rapprochement would condemn 25 million human beings to live under horrific circumstances for the foreseeable future.

And yet, this is a point barely anybody has bothered to make. Instead, the very same people who regularly denounce the U.S. government for maintaining friendly relations with the dictatorial rulers of Egypt and Saudi Arabia, of China and Myanmar, are full-throatedly cheering the pictures of Moon Jae-in, the president of South Korea, shaking hands with Kim. In fact, the very same people who rightly keep a violin at the ready to lament the fate of any mistreated Tibetan or Palestinian seem strangely unmoved by the daily doses of death doled out in North Korean camps.

I pretty much abhor TDS talk, just like ODS talk before it and BDS before that. Given the scum that are in American politics, no criticism should ever be out of bounds, no blow should ever be too low. But this is just nuts. Slate is trying to out-Salon Salon here.

New Zealand adds prostitution to list of employment skills for would-be immigrants

Migrants hoping to start a new life in New Zealand can now add a new skill to their visa applications. Under a new plan, would-be immigrants can claim points as skilled sex workers and escorts.
The skill is regarded as providing social companionship in the Australian and New Zealand Standard Classification of Occupations (ANZSCO) list.

In order to meet the criteria of a highly qualified sex worker, would-be migrants will be expected to have ANZSCO skill level 5. The requirements issued by ANZSCO also include compulsory secondary education.However, applicants of ANZSCO level 5 cannot be classified as skilled unless their pay is more than NZ$36.44 (US$25.87) per hour, which is NZ$75,795 (US$53,818) per year based on a 40-hour week.

The applicants should also have relevant recognized qualifications or have at least three years of work experience in the relevant industry.

Despite the fact that escort and sex work are on the skilled employment list, there is no evident lack of them, as they are not included on the skill-shortage list.

N.J. school superintendent arrested, allegedly pooped at school track ‘on a daily basis’

Holmdel (N.J.) police have charged Kenilworth Public Schools Superintendent Thomas Tramaglini with relieving himself in public early Monday morning after school officials reported finding “daily” deposits of excrement by an athletic field.

Tramaglini, 42, a Matawan resident, was issued citations on Monday for public urination or defecation, discarding and dumping of litter, and lewdness, according to the state’s municipal court case database. Lewdness is a disorderly persons offense.

Holmdel High School staff and athletic coaches alerted a school resource officer “that they were finding human feces” at or near the track and football field “on a daily basis,” according to a Facebook post by township police.

“The SRO, along with school staff, monitored the area and was able to identify a subject responsible for the acts,” according to the post.

The alleged discharge of bodily waste occurred at 5:45 a.m. Monday.

Efforts to reach Tramaglini by phone and email were not successful.

The Night Pooper What Poops At Midnight will ever stop. Different names, different places, different sexes, different faces… but the pooper–and the poop–remains!

Feds tapped Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s phones

Federal investigators have wiretapped the phone lines of Michael Cohen, the longtime personal lawyer for President Donald Trump who is under investigation for a payment he made to an adult film star who alleged she had an affair with Trump, according to two people with knowledge of the legal proceedings involving Cohen.

It is not clear how long the wiretap has been authorized, but NBC News has learned it was in place in the weeks leading up to the raids on Cohen’s offices, hotel room, and home in early April, according to one person with direct knowledge.

At least one phone call between a phone line associated with Cohen and the White House was intercepted, the person said.

I mean, let’s be honest… the odds are pretty high it was a crank call, right?

*****UPDATE*****

NBC has now retracted/updated the story. The FBI only had a pen register of calls, not recordings of calls.