As a published authority on bullshit and the most prolific linker of astronomy/cosmology youtube videos, it seems only natural that I should cast the horoscope for the Glibertariat.
Please note that this is not going to be a table of sun signs. That would take too much effort and bore me too much to find anything interesting to say, as the truth1 is that for most signs, absolutely nothing of interest is happening at any given time. There are only seven heavenly bodies that have regular influence and twelve signs. The fact that people have been able to get away with the tabular format for so long is a tribute to the gullibility and innumeracy of the general public. Therefore, I’ll give you insights2 into the celestial influences at large, and let you make your own freely-arrived-at decisions about how to use the information.
Obviously, the sun is in Pisces. The interesting thing is that the moon is in Capricorn. Combining these two means that for the next week or so, glitter-related endeavors have a much higher chance of success. So go ahead and craft or enter that drag contest. Do remember that this is Capricorn we’re talking about, so visits to strip clubs will leave evidence that is more resistant to cleaning than usual.
With Mars in Sagittarius, we have promising signs for bow-hunting. However, since we’re talking Mars and not the Sun (or the moon ascending), this looks more directly related to the Jupiter (retrograde)/Scorpio interaction which means… political assassinations. Yeesh. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you where or who, or if this is a warning or an imperative. 3,4
The big news this week is that we have a conjunction of Mercury and Venus in Ares, which means this is the very best5 time to try sheep-fucking, or if you are already sheep-fucking, to try fucking the other sex of sheep. I am not making this up6, this is what the heavens say. 7
1 For a certain value of “truth” which contains astrology
2 As footnote 1, but for “insights”
3 No, goddammit, this is not a true threat! Put the subpoena down!
4 Other reasonable readings of this would be “the stillbirth of a Kennedy” or “Steve Bannon’s corpse exhumed by a necrophiliac.”
5 “very best” is a relative, not absolute value statement
6 As footnote 1, but for “making this up”
7 If you are already a bisexual oviphile, try a different position this week. You’ll like it.
Comments
125 responses to “Peering through a Monocle at the Stars: Week of March 11th, 2018”
This gret advice! And as Lolinda sed I be make $40,000,000 buc when siter home and nit werk. Buy new Kia only less many dollar!
I opened an account.
I also looked up who Big Man T really is. According to Vice, he is a Cameroonian born Brit. If he can make a living doing promos I am all for it.
With Mars in Sagittarius, we have promising signs for bow-hunting.
I tried bowing at a deer once. For some reason it didn’t do anything.
Did you do it like this?
And that picture is wrong. I’m a Gemini, and I’m a moody jerk, not an annoying attention whore.
“Look at me, correcting the article writer!”
/TedS
Was Ted paid for this attention seeking? I think not, so that removes him from whore status.
attention whores are paid in attention.
I’m sorry I wasn’t bland enough for you.
Coulda fooled me Mr. Movies
Of course I’m Pisces, so maybe I’m just being whiny
I’m sorry I have an area where I’m competent to add something cogent to the discussion here.
Sarc, Ted. Sarc.
I was being sarcastic too.
Um…yeah…I knew that.
*makes appointment to have Sarc-o-meter 2000 calibrated*
Hey, Harambe is back.
RRRRRACIST!
Oh, you said “back.”
Honest typo.
Yeah, he said back, as in Harambe hasn’t put his clock forward, meaning he runs on colored people time! So many racist dogwhistles!
Can you really tell this difference if you’re fucking a male or a female sheep?
It’s a question science needs answered. Go get yourself a government grant.
I’m speculating, but Ewes might present more availble options.
Can you tell the difference if you’re fucking a male or a female human?
How good was the surgery?
Girls with PCOS can get pretty hairy…
Let me guess that Arthur Alan Wolk’s horoscope may or may not be in there. I have no evidence that it isn’t.
*subtly runs finger down the side of nose*
Yes, the male ones have horns and are easier to hold onto.
+1 pair of Velcro gloves
Depends on if you like balls hanging down in front of you.
A large proportion of rams get castrated. It wouldn’t be a reliable metric.
I never thought I’d get “well actually’d” in regards to ram scrotum, but here we are.
We live in an amazing universe.
The planets are aligned in the shape of a rams scrotum.
Now THAT’S astrology.
I have been really drunk on my porch and drawing some lines in a bucket of sand with a chickens foot the past few nights and I am pretty sure the planets are going to align in the shape of my scrotum next month. Hold on to your hat then my friend.
I figured that was just some kind of prolapse. I mean, they are breeding factories.
You knew, but you just didn’t care.
Way to binary, shitlord. Maybe it’s a genderfuck sheep.
No no. See, gender is a social construct. Sheep have a very simple flock-aligned society which has only managed construct two genders: “baaa” and “baaaa.” You need a truly advanced society in order to have genders in the double digits. in fact, you can tell just how advanced a society by how many genders they recognize — checkMATE flyover states!
I had to look up ovophile. The things I learn here.
ovo != ovi
Mixing those two up at fetish conventions can be awkward.
Oh jeez, thanks for the correction, that could have gotten me in trouble.
sheepfuckers are sad, eggfuckers are weird.
sheepfuckers are
sad[insert disfavored Celtic ethnicity here]While being sad is an attribute of being welsh, they do not have an exclusive lock on intercourse with sheep.
I think the kiwis can give the welsh a run for their money on sheep fucking. And I think the middle east has them all beat if you count donkeys too.
Women using an egg to massage their more external-facing parts? Weird, but no weirder than anything else that gets used as a sex aid, I suppose.
You support fowl pedophilia?
It’s finger lickin’ good!
In both German and Russian, the slang word for testicles comes from the word for “egg” (Ei in German and яичко in Russian), so tea-baggers would technically be egg-fuckers. Or egg-fucked, I suppose.
Huevos.
No love for Huevos? As in, “Kick that pendajo in the huevos!”
I don’t speak Spanish.
But you speak Russian? Ted S Russian troll confirmed.
What about horse fuckers?
Unusually high rate of colon-perforation among that lot.
+1 Mr. Hands
http://www.gceleb.com/photo/2016/03/Rhian-Sugden-boobs-003-500×750.jpg
https://media.giphy.com/media/KcDFVNwMaExzy/giphy.gif
https://media.giphy.com/media/xpFOsrhvA8kbC/giphy.gif
https://media.giphy.com/media/IeWZjFmpIh27K/giphy.gif
https://modelgirlsblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/53.jpg?w=490&h=735
Hello Blondie. Need some help with that bikini?
Wow.
The Penn & Teller Bullshit! episode on Astrology was great.
I don’t remember that one.
Did they need to go into any more detail than just saying: “Astrology is bullshit.”?
They have to fill their runtime.
It’s been a while since I watched it.
I remember:
Cute college girl, who had all the Bullshit! DVDs to date, seeing through a professor’s personality test ploy. The personality test was set up to function like a horoscope.
They demonstrated that live horoscope reading is really just a soft reading. They brought in an astrologer to give a horoscope for a woman. The woman met the astrologer, unknown to the astrologer, at her friend’s house. The astrologer, thinking the house was the woman’s, made all sorts of assumptions based on what he saw around the house, all of which were wrong.
They had a physicist with a British accent go on about astrology is bullshit.
I don’t need astrology. I’m always a Peverted Psychopath. And I’m not even an Aquarius. I’m more interested in the Lunar calendar for late-night digging purposes.
Unrelated did you weirdos change the clock already? Or are you going to do it on the 25th like civilized folk?
Also i did not see the numbers to the Romanian lottery on this post. What good is horoscope then?
“civilized” – You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Civilized folk don’t change their clock because the government tells them to. Now if you excuse me, I need to go open carry at the state capital.
Thanks, Not Adahn! I think you have a new career possibility. You were correct on all the sun sign characterizations. Except mine, of course…but I’m not divulging it.
You must be a capricorn, because as far as I can tell you don’t seem to be greedy or emo.
I can’t take credit for the image, that was Riven. I noticed that someone asked Sloopy to add horoscopes to his links, and thought that he’s probably too busy. Plus I worked at a renfaire when I was between real jobs so…
It’s actually a fascinating field, equal parts systematizing and motivated reasoning.
Can be profitable too.
Egotistical? Ok, fine, I’ll give you egotistical, but I’ve worked very hard to not be a douchebag. I’m at least a fuckhead.
It required hard work?
I followed this advice.
I guess that makes me a selfish prick. (I don’t think I’m selfish…)
I prefer the old Garfield cartoon version of the Zodiac signs, which gave Aries as “Courageous, blunt, and direct, this person has the compassion of a rock.”
Courageous, blunt, and direct, this person has the compassion of a rock.
Bingo.
Insufferable prick is insufferable. News at 11.
Meh. He’s living my dream life.
It’s more about the imposition he demands on everyone to maintain his “dream”.
Hey everybody – pay attention to what a hermit I am!
Glad I refreshed. Ditto!
I like how he has the results exactly anyone with an IQ over 75 could’ve predicted.
He’s totally fine and happier than ever not reading the newspaper.
Duh.
How did the New York times find him, I mean he had to have been talking about it, A LOT, to lots of people. And if he were taking it serious, why would he talk to someone from a newspaper? He should know he would gleam things, just because that’s all journo’s talk about.
So he lives on a supposed pig farm alone. Does he actually raise pigs? I don’t see any mention of him doing anything other than goofing off all day. Frankly it doesn’t seem any different than what he was doing at his previous job other than he has zero accountability for anything now.
Comments are as expected.
“It is exhausting to continue fighting, but many of us must continue until this national nightmare is over”
Don’t confuse whiney bitching, moral patronizing, and social signaling with actual fighting.
That’s basically all I ever do too.
But the truly funny part is she thinks she matters.
So this enlightened super genius is not smart enough to make his own coffee and has to drive 30 mins to get a cup?
I thought about linking to that story yesterday.
Its a great case-study in “What Newspapers will be doing now that they’ve stopped reporting “news””
Actual reporting of daily events: e.g. collecting facts, getting photos / quotes, staying on top of constant developments, etc – costs money.
Telling these sorts of “soap-opera vignettes” doesn’t, really.
They’ve basically conceded that their job isn’t to ‘inform’ anymore; what’s the new form of “inform?” – its Auto Ethnography! “telling people’s stories”. Help people understand ‘who they are’ by endlessly pumping different versions of the same perspective at people, so they go, “this is what Right Thinking People Think Like”.
“telling people’s stories” Isn’t that always been the case for some portion of the news? It is also Barack’s go to line for his up and coming Netflix producer career. It is what they have always done. I don’t think the story telling end of the news has grown, it is just the actual news news end of it shrank to near non existence.
This has been the least eventful year a President has had since 2000 when GWB was elected. I mean, what exactly are they considering so Earth shatteringly important here? Trump trolling the media on Twitter? RUSSIA? Stormy Daniels?
Parents up in arms after NYPD removes cops from schools,
This is actually SWMBO’s old school. The parents are indeed livid. Now, take into consideration that this is New York City, one of the most gun-hostile places in the whole of the US, and hence with very very low gun ownership. Indeed, it’s possible that there are so few guns in Queens that deBlasio is right, and that having one police officer overseeing the safety of 4,400 kids is – indeed – a waste of resources. I mean, what are the chances that anything’s gonna happen when everybody’s disarmed?
But who is going to crack kids skulls when they take their prescribed medication? Or search through their belongings looking for pot?
4400 kids in a single school? I think I see part of the problem already.
“School”.
sed -i -e ‘s/School/Prison/g’ >/dev/nypost <</dev/nypost
4400 students? That is insane.
Or what Gustave said.
Our town’s high school has over 3,000.
We have a cop on campus too, mainly because the one assigned is on his 2nd DUI and (anecdotally) nobody trusts him as a partner out on normal duty. Wouldn’t surprise me if he hadn’t discharged a firearm inside a cruiser. Has no respect from the kids, and would be no use in an active shooter incident.
I am more commenting on that is a school size way outside of my comprehension. I lived a sheltered life when I was a ute. I graduated from a high school that had just under 400 kids. Maybe that is why I don’t like people and want to be left alone.
I don’t think cops in schools are the answer as cops are rarely the answer. A teacher who knows what’s up? Different story.
I was in a graduating class of a little over 400. At the school’s peak (I think Class of 1979) they had a little over 600 in the graduating class.
There were 40 something in my HS graduating class.
Heh. I can’t help it if all of you grew up in Walnut Grove.
Personally, I think a school that’s so large that it needs a vice-principal for every grade (as ours does) is way too large, and putting some guy in there as a Mall Cop who’s one administrative review away from being cashiered is definitely not a good idea. Least of all when it’s impossible for the kids to NOT learn of his reputation within the police department.
from the NYT bilge linked above:
***
Mr. Hagerman sits down with his sketch book, in his regular seat, in the same room, with his same triple, whole milk latte and cranberry scone he has each day at Donkey Coffee.
***
He’d be less of a walking punchline if he filmed himself stepping on rakes all day.
I was just outside in a t-shirt. First time that’s happened in quite a while.
Donald ducking it?
Has anyone seen Mr. Lizard lately?
http://nbc4i.com/2018/03/11/florida-researchers-bash-in-heads-of-overpopulating-iguanas/
Mr. Hagerman sits down with his sketch book, in his regular seat, in the same room, with his same triple, whole milk latte and cranberry scone he has each day at Donkey Coffee.
I actually tried to read that, yesterday, but I did not get far. That guy should just spend his days stroking his Obama doll and cooing, “There there, there there.”
My wife and I have a long weekend end of April and I was actually thinking about heading to the Athens area. I should go to that coffee shop and fuck with him one morning. Talk real loud to my wife and make up shit Trump is doing that I’m sure already exists in his imagination.
You’re assuming that he actually exists and isn’t just a composite of various NYT’s editorial writers.
Donald ducking it?
Levis, too. It’s not *that* nice out.
I should go to that coffee shop and fuck with him one morning. Talk real loud to my wife and make up shit Trump is doing that I’m sure already exists in his imagination.
Nice. Wear gas masks, or talk about the anti-radiation-poisoning inoculations you just had.
Hey!
Well, I guess its accurate.
I always saw myself as a shiftless layabout, . Flaky derelict is an improvement!
Aliens…or Russians? Which would be more nefarious and get more funding?
This is why Louis Farrakhan has came back into the news. The mother ship is near.
Invest in some of the securities and companies he is invested in and we will all be safe.