Chapter IX
INT—PANEL VAN—NIGHT
The picture FADES IN AND OUT as TED groggily regains consciousness. His beard and hair are noticeably longer, he reaches to touch his face and scratches himself with abnormally long fingernails. As he tries to gain his bearings the van abruptly moves side to side, bouncing him around.
TED
What the hell is going on?!
HARVEY turns to look back from the driver’s seat.
HARVEY
Holy shit! You’re awake!
TED notices an odd sensation in his groin, he reaches down and pulls up a catheter line and bag filled with urine.
TED
What the fuck!
There is a crashing sound and the van suddenly jumps, causing Ted to pull out the catheter. Blood and urine spray around the van’s interior.
HARVEY
Long story, short; you’ve been in a coma for a few months. We were being kept in a Soros dungeon in Chicago. I broke us out. It was quite brilliant actually…
INT—DUNGEON—DAY
STYLISH FLASH-BACK
Ted is comatose, Harvey is masturbating in the corner. A knock at the door. The door opens, a guard enters.
HARVEY(VO)
The guard came into the room, and I flung my seed in his face…
This happens on screen.
HARVEY(VO)
I had meticulously timed out the rotation of…
INT—Panel VAN—NIGHT
Ted interrupts the flash-back sequence.
TED
I don’t give a shit! I’m pissing blood back here!
The van is rocked once again by a collision.
TED(CONT’D)
And what the fuck is going on out there?
HARVEY
We’re being chased by Hillary’s goons. Kind of a fun action car chase thing.
TED
Fun!? And what do you mean Hillary’s goons?
EXT—HIGHWAY—NIGHT
The panel van is being chased by three black SUVs with big bold lettering in yellow on the side ‘FBI’. They ram the van again. The chase passes by a billboard that reads ‘BUY YOUR SWEETIE SOME SWEETS THIS VALENTINES DAY. WITHOUT THE GUILT. VISIT SUGARFREECANDIES.COM’
INT—PANEL VAN—NIGHT
Ted is rocked again by the impact. He hears a cough and leans over to get a better view of the passenger seat, where he sees TIM, a light-skinned black guy who looks sickly as if he has a bad case of the flu.
TED
Who the fuck is that!?
HARVEY
Ted, this is Tim, Tim, this is Ted.
They halfheartedly wave at each other.
HARVEY(CONT’D)
Tim works at the CDC. It’s all connected!
EXT—HIGHWAY—NIGHT
The van makes a pit maneuver and breaks free of its pursuers.
Chapter X
EXT—LITTLE CEASARS—DAY
Ted is sitting out the back doors of the panel van. Tim is leaning against the exterior, draped in a blanket, looking pale and sick. Harvey emerges from the store with a pizza in hand.
HARVEY
The only hot and ready they had was deep dish ham and pineapple.
Tim vomits.
TED
Fuck, I don’t even know the last time I ate solid food, give me a slice.
Harvey opens the box and Ted grabs a slice and begins to devour it. He begins speaking with his mouth full, spitting chunks everywhere.
TED (CONT’D)
So what the fuck is up with this Tim guy?
Harvey scuttles to the other side of Ted so Tim can’t hear him and whispers.
HARVEY
George and Hillary, after the Vegas debacle, they decided to weaponize the flu vaccine. You see the flu vaccine carries a dead version of whatever virus the CDC suspects will be most prevalent in a given year. But that’s not what they did this year. This year all the vaccines were for the Russian Flu. Well, all the real vaccines the politicians got anyway, the rest were just sugar water.
TED
What?
HARVEY
You see, Tim here is a diabetic, and after he took the shot he knew his reaction was a diabetic one. So he decided to look into it.
Tim starts shaking uncontrollably.
Harvey
Turns out all the shots designated for civilians were a sugar placebo. Only a chosen few were given access to the real vaccine against the Russian Flu.
TED
What the hell are you talking about you depraved piece of shit?
Tim collapses into a diabetic coma.
HARVEY
Don’t you get it? The Russians are behind all of it?!
Ted
Electing Trump?
HARVEY
Fuck no! Causing chaos in American politics. When Trump said the election might be rigged, he was called crazy and paranoid. But what happened after Trump won? Hillary said the election was rigged. Now we’ve got Robert Mueller chasing us all the way from Chicago to Florida to shut us up!
TED (holds his hand up)
Give me sec, I need to vomit.
HARVEY
Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be eating solid foods yet.
The camera pulls up in a crane shot as Ted is vomiting and Tim is having a diabetic seizure.
Chapter XI
EXT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY
The panel van crashes into the side of high school after suddenly bursting into frame with a passenger side view of the van. It stops with a violent crash. The sliding door on the van opens, Ted and Tim exit through passenger side sliding door, supporting each other. Harvey rushes around, temporarily stopped when his tattered robe is caught on the bumper but fights his way free to help Ted and Tim.
TED
They’re going to be here any second!
Tim coughs up blood.
HARVEY
Wait, this is a high school. I spend a lotta time round these…for business reasons.
They continue to drag each other forward.
TED
Yeah, so?
HARVEY
If we go in there yelling about guns, they’re gonna lock the place down!
TED
But we ain’t got no guns!
HARVEY
That don’t matter, they hear the word, the place is locked like a nun’s asshole!
Tim coughs up some blood.
TIM
It’s worth a try.
Tim, Ted, and Harvey look at each other for a moment.
TED
Fuckit, we ain’t got nothin’ better.
INT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY
Tim and Harvey drag Ted through the front doors.
HARVEY
I’ve got a gun.
The staff in the hallway continue about their business.
TED
It’s a semiautomatic gun!
The staff screams in terror and scrambles.
CU A BUTTON IS PUSHED.
CU EMERGENCY DOORS SHUT. The school is on LOCKDOWN.
EXT—SCHOOL—DAY
A black van marked FBI in yellow letters screeches to a halt. A hit squad exits the van followed by ROBERT, who exits the van in slow motion, adjusting his impeccable suit, a long-faced man with gray hair and a darkly shadowed face. Still in slow motion Robert and his goon squad pass several Dade County Sheriffs frozen in fear.
INT—SCHOOL—DAY
Tim and Harvey are dragging Ted down the hall when the door at the far end of the hall is breached with explosives. FBI goons come pouring in followed by Robert.
ROBERT
We can end this peacefully. Just tell everyone you work for the Russians. You helped steal the election.
Harvey stops and turns.
HARVEY
You’re the piece of shit working for the Russians!
ROBERT
That’s not the story the people will hear. And that’s all that matters.
HARVEY
You want to talk about public opinion! I built public opinion for 20 years for you assclowns! And this is the thanks I get!?
ROBERT
Kill them.
The clacking of stupid Hollywood guns being loaded when they already should have, then just before the FBI raid team opens fire, a group of high-school kids walks into the hail of gunfire. Killing the teenagers, but allowing Ted, Tim and Harvey to escape out the other exit.
EXT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY
Harvey and Tim load Ted into an unlocked car in the parking lot.
HARVEY
Tim, do know how to hotwire this?
TIM
Why, cuz I’m black?
HARVEY
Well, yeah, and you’re like fucking smart.
TED moans in agony. Tim coughs up some blood.
TIM
Yeah, I can do it.
TIM rips apart the steering column and touches two wires together, like in the movies, and the car starts, he gets in the driver’s seat.
TIM
Get in bitch! If I’m gonna stereotype I be goin’ all out!
Harvey gets in and the car screams away.
Comments
151 responses to “A Path to Wellness, Part Three”
Brilliant.
Let me know when this is optioned by Hollywood and who’s playing the title roles. Thanks.
Tim should be Samuel L Jackson.
Harvey could be Louie Anderson
Nicely done. i enjoy the screenplay vibe to it, even though it makes it harder to read.
Agreed. I don’t think I have ever read anything in this format
How hard did you get?
The plastic plant outside my office is not happy.
“The only hot and ready they had was deep dish ham and pineapple.”
Please tell me this is not a thing.
It is. I’d link to an example, but I fear the wrath of SP.
Needz moar avocado toast.
Why has barfman forsaken us in our time of need?
https://www.waitrose.com/ecom/products/chicago-town-ham-pineapple-deep-dish-pizza/683052-150218-150219
You’re a braver man than I am,
Gunga DinSwissy.6 pounds per kilogram? There math is off.
Crap. Their. Who’s law is that?
Yr mom’s.
I’ll take any fame, even infamy.
You were criticizing someone else and you made a mistake yourself.
I think that is a classic joez law.
It’s only funny if the criticism contains the same type of error as the original.
ie grammar nazi getting their grammar wrong.
Uhm, I think you meant “Grammar Nazi getting there grammar wrong.”
Spelling is not grammar.
2.2
Unless they’re talking prices in UKian currency.
That looks scary.
Chunks of pineapples on pizza may as well come with clown faces. I’m scared of both.
“Try our John Wayne Gacy style!’
/Homer scream.
For some reason, they like to pretend that ham should be called bacon.
there is definitely some evil conspiracy fronted by white walkers from beyond the wall to call ham bacon.
So great! My fave is the hotwiring scene.
Great job, psycho!
Fantastic, CPRM!
I giggled way too much about the teenagers. Fuck me, I’m going to hell.
“Russian Flu”
*applause*
Well done, CPRM
Hillary’s goons = FBI.
Nice.
A path to wellness?
Does it involve invoking hysterical paroxysms for women? If so I may be able to help
We shall just have to see.
If so I may be able to help
Winston’s Mom was just trying to make you feel better about yourself.
Something hotdog something REALLY BIG hallway.
Never stick it in….
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2018/03/09/iowa-nursing-assistants-ages-23-and-26-accused-sex-with-psychiatric-facility-patients.html
Or in this case…….never let crazy stick it in?
They look like they could be sisters. Fucking weird.
Well the article didn’t elaborate on that, it coulda been just normal fucking.
Sounds like they stuck crazy in themselves
Patient: “Hey, is this a #metoo situation?”
Girl: “Nobody’s ever gonna believe you. You’re crazy!”
/girls high five each other laughing as they bang.
Need more than mug shots before I can make a judgement call
If you are locked up in a psych ward…they might be 10s.
So….the relationship wasn’t sexual until the patients left the loony bin? OK, why is that illegal then?
Well, there goes any hope of productivity today!
It’s Friday. That train has sailed.
Saw this on another site.
Like I have said before, first against the wall.
INTP before all others.
+1
A Glib Myers-Briggs type survey would be interesting…
I believe a lot of folks from TOS identified at INTP.
Shouldn’t we really be talking about Autism-Spectrum Quotient, or AQ, as a measure of the extent of autistic traits in adults?
We had a similar discussion a few weeks ago. I score very high on these kinds of tests.
Mark me down as ENTJ.
Shocked. SHOCKED I tell you.
INTJ.
AQ 17/50.
I believe I was an INTJ as well. Been years since I took it though.
INTJ/P
It’s been like 10 years since I took it, but the I, N, and T scores are pegged against the max reading. The J/P one floated right around the boundary between them, and both really seem to fit.
that’s me
Same.
ENTP
AQ- 5
Per kinnath’s suggestion to include AQ:
INTP and low AQ
My AQ tends to be ~23-25 on the online ones.
Last time I took at AQ test I scored 34 out of 35. That’s because I am a hardcore introvert. The tests are not diagnostic. If you are autistic, you will score high on the test. Scoring high on the test, however, does not indicate autism.
INTP 34
I try to imagine a gathering of INTP 34s. Thank god for alcohol.
Hey! I know Myers-Briggs is kind of like astrology, but I am obsessed with efficiency.
INTJ, right on the borderline of INTP, if memory serves.
Interesting that so many of this relatively rare type have congregated here.
If we were congregated in person we wouldn’t talk this much.
Today on shit nobody but me could possibly care about
1994 DC motor drive
2018 DC motor drive
A couple pics of a project I finished up this week. Replacing analog drives with digital ones.
Cool! Relative costs much different?
The new drive is about 2700 dollars. I don’t know about the old one. The reason for the upgrade is availability. Aside from salvage businesses, there isn’t anywhere to buy parts for the old analog drives and there’s nobody left in business that repairs defective components.
I find the older drives to be more robust in their power pack designs. We have some drives running out here that have 30 year old SCR power supplies that just keep on running.
The newer drives tend to have a higher failure rate, but have other advantages. I put the new drives on our ethernet network and store all the configuration parameters on our file server. This way, when one fails, the replacement can be installed and programmed in a matter of minutes. The old analog drives are considerably more difficult to program. Programming them involves soldering resistors amd capacitors onto their boards and tuning by tweaking potentiometers.
Groovy. So will you be swapping out all the old ones preemptively? Or do you wait for them to puke?
Definantly preemptively. We have a decent stock of old parts, but it’s a non renewable supply. I can do an upgrade is about 8-10 hours. If I waited for the drive to fail, that’s 8-10 hours of the plant not making any product. That’s bad. Every week we shut the place down for 12 hours of repairs. I will be doing one a week until I get all 10 of these particular drives done.
You have an interesting job. Thanks for the details!
You really do.
My work today involved mostly trying to look interested in meetings with accreditation surveyors, and going through redlines of two 50 page policy manuals that I need to get aligned with each other. Over. And. Over.
Also, [HIPAA redacted]. Man, did we laugh.
I don’t know what I’m looking at.
DC electric motor controllers. The first is technology from the early nineties. The second is the latest and greatest from our friends at Rockwell Automation.
It’s basically a SCR power supply with a brain that turns the SCRSs off an on to regulate the current, voltage, and polarity being supplied to the motors armature and field.
You cracked the wire duct cover.
I’m gonna venture a guess and say that duct cover was cracked 10 years before I ever saw that cabinet.
It’s not broke in the first picture.
Shit, you’re right. In all honesty, I didn’t take a before picture. The first pic is actually the next cabinet over that has not been upgraded yet.
Just giving you crap anyway. While changing a drive last fall we were talking about wire duct and how some people will pull the covers off and throw them away, so it just stuck in my head. We’re still do a lot of wound rotor resistor bank removals.
Yeh, I concur. Russian Flu is awesome.
It was one of those ‘why didn’t I think of that?’
Better than the Spanish Pox?
*Previously on Welcome Back, Kotter*
Vinnie Barbarino: Mr. Katta- did you hear about that speaker coming to school that’s gotten all the kids riled up?
Mr. Kotter: While I believe that the speaker has a right to speak, to be sure George Will is a vile Nazi and the kids are right to try to silence him
Vinnie Barbarino: I don’t get that, Mr. Katta. From my understanding of Supreme Court precedent, the ‘heckler’s veto’ is not constitutionally protected, so what gives?
Mr. Kotter: Well, I think it’s important to take a bold stand against Nazis, especially one as vile as George Will
Boom Boom Washington: Yeah, that just doesn’t make any sense. How is George Will a Nazi?
Mr. Kotter: I’m just going off of mainstream media reports from Vox
Boom Boom Washington: Vox? You’re using Vox as a legitimate source of information?
Mr. Kotter: Freddie, you don’t understand what it’s like to be oppressed or discriminated against. You need to check your privilege in order to understand
Boom Boom Washington: Up your nose with a rubber hose. I’m black and I live in 1970’s Brooklyn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mmm3KTa601s
Yeh, Kotter strikes me as a Democrat.
Though his vibe doesn’t give the impression he’d be a retard about it.
It’s almost as if it’s a parody of someone
Robbie Kotter?
Also, two things:
-Four of the seven main actors are now dead.
-Best intro song ever. Love that song.
Does being a scientologist count as dead?
Half dead inside.
“Best intro song ever. Love that song.”
False. That honor goes to Laverne and Shirley
That’s the one with the beer making lesbians or the cop lesbians?
No way. That and ‘Happy Days’ are very good tunes but WBK rules over them.
Cheers.
Cheers…and Magnum Fucken PI.
Right. Cheers for lyrics – Magnum for instrumental
Instrumental —
Barney Miller.
Greatest American Hero
Laverne and Shirley > Cheers (though Cheer’s song is good too)
You have all disappointed me. Profoundly
Magnum for instrumental
Instrumental —Barney Miller.
Sigh, I can’t believe I even have to say this. The. Rockford. Files. Period.
Magnum, absolutely! It’s the ring tone on my phone for crissakes!
Barney Miller and Taxi are strong contenders too.
Jesus, of course a big yes to all of those!
Barney Miller, Rockford Files etc.
Instrumental
Hill Street Blues
Facts of life.
Gilligan’s Island
or Green Acres.
WKRP
Night Court.
Cue that hot Night Court saxophone theme song.
When I was in college, we’d go to Smith’s Bar for a drink every time we were in the city.
You can see that bar in the Night Court intro.
Was a seedy place on the edge of Hell’s Kitchen that you could drink for cheap.
Went there at my 20 yr reunion; was still called Smith’s but had been turned into a hipster place with wooden dance floor.
What’s Happening!! Henry Mancini >>> Mike Post
I remember watching it on nick at night with my mom. I was probably too young to pickup on any political stuff.
I don’t know what it is about that show but it hits all the right ‘nostalgic chords’.
It’s not like it was particularly hilarious – more personality than anything I guess.
I continue to love it.
Allow me to be the studio development guy: “What if, instead of Ted Nugent, we used Ted Turner?”
Well, then what about Ted Kennedy’s rotting corpse?
Sort of a “Fear and Loathing at Bernie’s”?
I got a new oven today and had to install the power cord. What I want to know is why whirlpool engineers placed the connections inside a razor sharp box. Photo of me installing the cord:
https://goo.gl/images/s9WU5b
Short answer-
Engineers design things to be economical and effective, not to be easy to work on.
Well I hope machines like blood sacrifices, because my over got a doozy.
This is why you don’t buy appliances from the Dark Mechanicum.
But it was on special!
I’ve found machines work better with a blood sacrifice.
There are a few of us that actually work on own products and therefore consider maintenance (and fabrication) when designing.
I also bitch at the shop guys about deburring
My dryer was the same way when I took the back off to troubleshoot and eventually replace the thermal fuse.
Apparently deburring is déclassé.
Deburring is an unnecessary cost-adding luxury. Proles should anticipate needing elbow-length leather gloves for any kind of installation or repair, just good common sense.
It’s funny how the front of the machine is stainless steel and very elegant and the back is cardboard and sheet metal thinner than rice paper .
That’s the economical part of the equation.
I get it, it is just that I couldn’t imagine designing something and having to make those kinds of choices.
The internet should be burned to the ground and the earth salted so it can never be created again
“A Review of ‘The Shape of Water’, From a Guy who had Sex with a Dolphin”
And yes, the article delivers what it promises.
Will need pictures of the dolphin before I can judge.
Trump pardons Kristian Saucier, former sailor jailed for submarine pictures
Good Trump
Agreed.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DX3ZmDmVoAEmWhe.jpg:large
“The Koch brothers are just like Farrakhan. I’m Valerie Jarrett and I’m a profound idiot.”
I like how she jumps from the Koch brothers right to David Duke without missing a beat.
Sometimes I wonder, why do I try to educate myself?
It seems to be easier to be a “profound idiot.”
Because the Kochs are exactly like Duke. That is how dumb these people really and truly are. Jarrett isn’t some fringe Leftist, either, she worked in a Democratic administration and she is spouting unbelievable nonsese
Martin Shkreli sentenced to seven years – plus forfeiture of over $7 million in assets.
https://www.cnbc.com/2018/03/09/pharma-bro-martin-shkreli-sentenced-to-7-years-in-prison.html
All for the crime of being a douchebag. Let’s be honest here- had he gone to Congress with his hat in hand and said some nonsense about lowering drug costs he would have never faced these charges. This is a political prosecution
He shoulda learned from Gawker example.
You can be a dickbag, or you can do grossly illegal stuff, but if you want both then yes, make sure you have powerful friends who won’t abandon you if things get tough.
The only joke is those friends didn’t become powerful by sticking with dead weight when things get tough…
Last year his bail was revoked because he offered $5000 for a strand of Hilary’s hair. Now there are calls for a maximum security prison.
Too well written for Hollywood. I give it 8.9/10 SugarFrees. Dead high school kids apparently don’t trigger revulsion reflex after being exposed to Hilary-Huma interactions in his works.
Russian Flu, eh? That explains so much. “It’s a semi automatic gun” made me crack up.
Casting:
John Goodman as Harvey
Donald Glover as Tim
Jeff Goldblom as Ted
Robert Patrick as Robert
Bunch of extras obviously in late 20s as high school kids.
Deep dish ham and pineapple special effects by WETA because fuck the real thing, we’re faking it.
I want to cast Key & Peele as Tim.
And swap them playing the part for every cut-away.
https://hotair.com/archives/2018/03/09/valerie-jarrett-compares-meeting-farrakhan-meeting-koch-brothers/
I brushed it aside when people accused members of the Obama administration of being antisemitic after their little stunt at the UN, but this equivocation by Jarrett is beyond disgusting. Seems clear to me that a culture of anti-semitism was fostered in the Obama administration. Shameful
Look, just because their desired end result leads to destruction of Israel and ethnic cleansing of all Jews from the area, doesn’t mean they’re anti-Semitic. They love them those little hats, and the spinny things, and big boobs!
I can’t believe that in American, in the 21st Century, we have people trying to excuse away elected members of Congress playing footsie with a noted anti-semite
And racist. Change the references in a Farrakhan speech from white to black and you would be branded as a Klansman immediately.
That too
You can separate your criticism for Joooos and Israel!
Except it’s not true when it comes to a prog. They hate both.