STILL TRUE TODAY

 

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. FRIDAY NIGHT AGAIN, EH? FEAR NOT – ZARDOZ IS HERE TO PROVIDE ENTERTAINMENT. FIRST UP, THE CHOSEN ONES WILL ONCE AGAIN RECEIVE SUPERIOR ADVICE FROM ZARDOZ. ONCE THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY” HAS BEEN DISPATCHED, THE GIFT OF THE LINK WILL BE GIVEN.

Q: I am 25 and have been with my boyfriend on and off for five years. I love him very much. I often overthink things, and a constant frustration of mine is that he makes no romantic gestures at all. He drowns me in compliments and shows his love in other ways.

I always have to take the initiative and suggest he do romantic things like send me cards or flowers, take me to dinner, etc., but he only does them when I ask. It doesn’t feel like enough for me. I worry that when we get married, over time I will grow bored or no longer be attracted to him because he is so unromantic. Am I just overthinking? What should I do? — ROMANTIC ONE IN AUSTIN

A: EVIL DEMANDING BRUTAL! IF YOU REQUIRE STIMULUS OF THE CARD, FLOWER AND SUSTENANCE VARIETY TO REMAIN “ATTRACTED” TO THIS BEARER OF THE EVIL PENIS… GIVE UP NOW. CEASE ALL PENIC ACTIVITY WITH HIM, AND LET HIM FLEE FOR THE HILLS. PERHAPS HE CAN BE SALVAGED AS A GRAIN SLAVE, OR A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR, SHOULD HE BE EMBITTERED ENOUGH.

“ROMANCE” BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR STYLE.

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

Q: My brother is my best friend. He is also an alcoholic. It runs in our family, and he has been addicted for years. His drinking has affected me in several (minor) ways over the years, but I have always taken a hands-off approach, knowing I can’t force him to get help.

Well, his drinking is starting to affect my life in a more severe way now. I joined the local police force. I am afraid that my brother’s behavior could cost me my job if I’m seen with him while he acts out, or if I try to defend him.

I love my brother fiercely, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I need to avoid him, but I love him. Please help. — CHALLENGED IN THE EAST

A: SOME BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR YOU ARE… THE ONLY SOLUTION TO THIS BROTHER-BRUTAL IS…CLEANSING. THIS WILL HAVE THE SIDE EFFECT OF BURNISHING YOUR EXTERMINATOR CRED. NOW THAT YOU HAVE JOINED THE RANKS OF KILLERS, YOU MUST SHOW YOU FIT IN.

BYE-BYE, BRO.

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

  • ZARDOZ APPRECIATES YOUR STYLE, IF NOT YOUR INTELLIGENCE.
  • UR DOIN’ IT WRONG, M8. IF THAT WAS AN ATTEMPTED CLEANSING, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT YOU ARE GOOD FOR EXCEPT GRAIN SLAVERY.
  • ZARDOZ WOULD BE MAKING POPCORN…IF HE COULD. AND IF HE ATE. AND IF HE HAD HANDS.

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.