I am a huge fan of movies and so I pay attention to what is coming out in theaters and read the reviews of current films on a regular basis. As we draw 2018 to a close, many websites are putting out their Best of 2018 listicles. And boy, are most of them just filled with shit.

Slate‘s Best Movies of 2018

Not one thing I have even the faintest interest in seeing.

***

Buzzfeed‘s 11 Best Movies of 2018

They manage, by dent of having 11 movies, to get a good one in: Hereditary. It’s a legitimately good horror movie. Creepy atmosphere, unsettling, sort of a throwback to the post-Rosemary’s Baby devil film boom of the 70s. Toni Collette plays the same mom she’s been playing since The Sixth Sense, but that’s OK.

And Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse might be good, but all every review seems to dwell on is BLACK SPIDER-MAN! THERE’S A BLACK-SPIDER-MAN! Yes, his name is Miles and he’s been in the comics for a number of years now, movie critics. Now go change your underwear.

BONUS “NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH!” ROUND: I’m Still Waiting for the First Black Spider-Man to Get His Own Movie

***

AV Club is doing the slow reveal, like a burlesque show that you pray will be over soon. Rather than give us the Best of 2018, they’ve dithered and delayed with:

The best film trailers of 2018

The best films of 2018 that we didn’t review

The best film scenes of 2018

The worst films of 2018

I doubt there will be any surprises on there best of, but I still wanna holler “JUST TAKE YOUR DAMN PANTIES OFF SO I CAN GO HOME!”

***

I tried to find Salon‘s Best Movies of 2018, but it was just Fahrenheit 11/9 listed ten times and a .gif of Michael Moore pissing in a cup and then drinking it.


Goodyear Shuts Down Venezuela Factory and Gives Workers 10 Tires Each as Part of Their Severance

Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. has decided to stop making tires in Venezuela, according to multiple reports, the latest in a line of companies to pull out of the crisis-stricken South American country. As part of its severance package, employees will reportedly receive 10 tires each.

Employees showed up this week to the company’s plant in the City of Valencia and discovered a letter posted to the door that, according to Bloomberg, said “Goodyear Venezuela has been forced to cease operations.”

Damn you, State Capitalism! [shakes fist]


I dare you to find a more useless article about a non-controversy:

Meghan Markle’s baby bump cradling sparks Twitter backlash

Meghan Markle sparked a global debate about baby bump cradling after her surprise appearance at the British Fashion Awards this week.

The Duchess of Sussex, 37, posed in a way at the style-centered event that some interpreted as hammy and others as maternal, as she presented an award to her wedding dress designer, Givenchy artistic director Clare Waight Keller.

Treacle
@CallMeTreacle
Cupping the bump? WHOB DOES THIS? #MeghanMarkle who the hell does she think she is #Madonna and child? Something VERY creepy going on in this woman’s head

“#MeghanMarkle holding on to that bump like someone’s about to snatch it,” another quipped.

“Seriously, no pregnant woman poses for photo like this. Ever. She’s such an actress. #MeghanMarkle #duchessofsussex #BritishFashionAwards #actingup,” another wrote, adding, “Especially when you’re a royalty [sic] … She should learn from Kate on how to pose regally when pregnant. Both hands discretely [sic] under the bump. Not cradling like Demi Moore. #Crasspregnancy #MeghanMarkle.”

It’s the perfect storm of stupid hot takes on Twitter combined with an article that didn’t need to be written because humans should be better than this.