Vegan School: Holiday Recipes

Many dishes at my holiday table are vegan by nature, like maple acorn squash, three bean salad, raw veggie platters, and cranberry sauce. But most holiday dishes aren’t vegan, which makes it a challenging time of year.

Mr. WebDom and I are in the middle of moving this month, so I haven’t had a chance to do much cooking. Instead of delighting you with one of my custom recipes, I thought I would do a round up of Vegan Holiday Recipes to inspire you this holiday season.

Vegan Christmas Roast

Image from The Easy Vegan

The Easy Vegan put together this recipe, which I keep meaning to try. I expect I will in January once I get my kitchen at the new house setup.

OMWC has tried this recipe using this brand of wheat gluten and it seemed to work well. There was something that he wanted to improve, and I’m sure he’ll mention it in the comments.

While this is not a recipe, I do want to mention the Gardein Holiday Roast. It’s delicious and tastes far more like turkey than you would expect. I had it with SP and OWMC last year. This year I tried the smaller single serving version for Thanksgiving. It’s awesome, and definitely hit that “holiday” food jones.

The Best Damn Vegan Mashed Potatoes

Image from Minimalist Baker

Mashed potatoes are a necessity at any holiday table. Most of the time, they’re not vegan. On Thanksgiving I gave in anyway and tried the mashed potatoes my sister in law made. The phrase wallpaper paste comes to mind.

For Christmas I’m doing the mashed potatoes and I am using this recipe by Minimalist Baker. It’s simple, requires only a few ingredients, and looks like it will fool my non-vegan relatives.

Vegan Stuffing

Sadly, I have no photo for this one.

But, Epicurious has the best vegetarian stuffing recipe I’ve ever seen. It uses butter, but I just swap for a vegan alternative. Aside from just being, well, delicious, I love that stuffing is simple, and easy.

Vegan Eggnog

Image from Simple Vegan

I. Fucking. Love. Eggnog.

Yet it’s very much not vegan.

Then I discovered this recipe last week. As soon as I get a blender, I’m doing it! It uses coconut milk and cashews to create the consistency and flavour profile. Supposedly (I’m a little skeptical…) it tastes very close to the real thing.

Vegan Pumpkin Pie

Image from Loving It Vegan

Uhm, yes, please. I didn’t get any pumpkin pie yet this year because I had to leave my family’s Thanksgiving Dinner before pie. (Migraines suck.) I am going to be making this pumpkin pie recipe as soon as my kitchen is setup again. This recipe from Loving it Vegan uses full fat coconut milk in place of the cream. After much searching, I prefer this brand of coconut milk. No other brand even comes close.

Bonus: Vegan Pot Pie

Image from Minimalist Baker

Not really a holiday recipe, but the holidays always make me crave pot pies. I usually make pot pie in a 9×11 pan, and between the two of us, we usually finish it off in one night. Maybe two if we use restraint. I’ll post my recipe next time I make it (because truth be told I don’t measure anything unless I’m turning it into a recipe for you guys).

In the interim, this vegan pot pie recipe, also by Minimalist Baker, looks simple and delicious.

Comments

224 responses to “Vegan School: Holiday Recipes”

  1. Spudalicious

    I’m working up a veggie risotto right now.

    1. Spudalicious

      Made with chicken and shrimp stock topped with prawns.

      First.

  2. Tres Cool

    Hit my mother-fkin…..aw, dang

      1. Sean

        Speaking of bad movies, I watched this over the weekend – https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104418/

        The good – Kristy Swanson circa 1991
        The bad – everything else

        I still couldn’t stop watching.

        1. Ah, I remember Patrick Bergin from Sleeping With the Enemy, a movie that needed one more bullet.

        2. The Bearded Hobbit

          I thought you were going to link to this one. Had it on the DVR and finally watched it. Like a train wreck, couldn’t turn away it was so bad.

    1. AlmightyJB

      Is that movie any good?

      1. Heroic Mulatto
        1. MikeS

          Needz moar tittays!!!11!!!

      2. Tres Cool

        I actually liked Mystery Men. I suppose it was me and about 15 other people in the whole country. I like Janeane Garofolo until she started opening her cum-catcher about politics.

        1. RegicidalManiac

          “Cum-catcher”

          Turns of phrase like that are why I keep visiting this site.

          Also why there are no female libertarians.

        2. Akira

          I liked that one too… In fact, I re-watched it a few times recently for nostalgia. Good times.

        3. The Last American Hero

          It was enjoyable.

        4. Sir Digby’s Contrabulous Faptraption

          Yeah, it was a great film with a terrific cast. If the rest of the country didn’t like it, piss on ’em.

          1. CPRM

            You, as well should make a a point to watch tomorrow’s cartoon. 11am central here, live on youtube after that.

          2. Sir Digby’s Contrabulous Faptraption

            11 AM?!? Some of us have to sleep, you know.

  3. AlmightyJB

    Do they make gluten-free wheat gluten?

    1. Count Potato

      I think that’s called “water”.

    1. Sean

      I clicked.
      You’re not getting a Christmas card from me now.
      ?

      1. MikeS

        Maybe you need to meet him at Saw-Con.

      2. Spudalicious

        Why would you click on an HM link?

    2. Lachowsky

      That’s not a real doctor…

      1. Count Potato

        You never know.

  4. Yusef drives a Kia

    I’ll just enjoy my teriyaki chicken and rice,
    Eat a tree!

  5. AlmightyJB

    As I recall, vegan butter was not terrible.

    1. MikeS

      Have you ever tried truffle butter?

      1. Better than grool.

    2. Sean

      “Not terrible”. Bring on the marketing campaign!

      Eat real butter. Kerrygold ftw.

      1. Trigger Hippie

        ‘“Not terrible”. Bring on the marketing campaign!’

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GTJZEK4JP0k

          1. Sir Digby’s Contrabulous Faptraption

            Anyone who provides clips from Crazy People* is, by default, the best person in the world. Especially, the “Sony Gurm” part.

            Congrats, TH: You are most excellent, and I actually love you (long time).

            *a movie I saw in the theater, twice.

    3. BakedPenguin

      Yeah, I was a vegetarian for a while, and they had these things called Quorn “chicken’ nuggets. I remember them as being pretty good,

      1. Tres Cool

        ex-girlfriend (OG-2X-OG) was big into Boca™ Burgers. They were…tolerable

        1. Sean

          Bubba burgers are where it’s at for frozen grocery store fodder

          1. Tres Cool

            You just reminded me to make some more keto-friendly lemonade

          2. Count Potato

            I make Kato-friendly lemonade, so he has something to drink when he is hiding in my refrigerator.

        2. BakedPenguin

          Had those too. I’d agree with your assessment.

  6. Rebel Scum

    OT: Seattle’s uniforms are giving me the idea that chartreuse only works as a fishing lure because it pisses off the fish. It is an obnoxious contrast that grinds my gears.

    1. Rhywun

      What is it with Seattle and that color? The soccer team uses it too.

      1. JaimeRoberto, Public Intellectual

        I think the colors are meant to represent the colors you see in the region. That is the color of the phosphorescent water.

        1. Rhywun

          I heard it was a Microsoft thing. Or more likely, Xbox.

    2. Suthenboy

      The ‘secret’ to catching fish is to make your bait look and act as much like it’s natural prey as possible so that they will bite. The secret to selling fish bait is to get the fisherman to bite.

      1. Spudalicious

        98% of the bass I catch are with Senkos and my fly box is primarily populated with three different patterns.

        Nobody needs three dozen different lures.

        1. Tres Cool

          Tiger Martin or GTFO

        2. mindyourbusiness

          I agree, Spud. Around here, Wooly Buggers, San Juan worms and midges catch most anything.

          1. Spudalicious

            Mosquitos, elk hair caddis in brown patterns and Royal Wulff. If I can’t catch fish with those, I might as well get off the water.

        3. Suthenboy

          Here it is dark copper worms with black stripes. They blend in with the dark water and muddy, detritus covered bottom. I cast, take the slack out and wait for the ripples to disappear. Then I crank it veeeeeery slowly across the bottom near weeds and sticks. Worms crawl, they dont dart through the water with a wiggly tail. If there is a bass around I rarely get more than a few feet before getting a hit. Sometimes they will hit it before I start cranking the reel.
          Once you learn how to catch them you can catch them at will. Fish aren’t exactly genius’s

          1. Spudalicious

            I “whacky rig” a pumpkin seed colored Senko and cast into shallow, rocky water on the edge of the reservoir. Jig three times in about 30 seconds and reel it in. They typically hit on the final lift off the bottom.

        4. Sir Digby’s Contrabulous Faptraption

          my fly box is primarily populated with three different patterns.

          These euphemisms are getting to be really abstract.

      2. Lachowsky

        “The ‘secret’ to catching fish is to make your bait look and act as much like it’s natural prey as possible”

        Partially true. My experience in muddy water is different though. When in the mud, you want your bait to be shiny and noisy.

        1. Suthenboy

          Oh no, in addition to pizza wars we are going to have fish wars?

          *sigh*

          1. Spudalicious

            Fishing with pineapple is just wrong.

          2. Lachowsky

            You’re not wrong. I have caught an awful lot of bass with a silver spoon bait after a rain when the water is muddy.

            In cleaner water, I believe the very best bait in the world to be a live minnow. You cant get more realistic than that.

          3. Bass are assholes in my experience, and will hit something just because it looks like a fish that isn’t them. I’ve definitely had a lot of luck with spoons. Anything shiny or noisy, really, seems to do pretty well.

          4. Spudalicious

            I’ve reeled in bass that were puking chunks of crayfish they were so full before they hit my bait. Also pulled in one that had a fish tail sticking out of it’s mouth.

          5. Down on the Toledo Bend reservoir at my FIL’s place, it’s crazy. You throw a topwater bait out and half the time they either hit it as soon as it hits the water or never. You wind up just casting over and over again until something hits. Up here in central MD I’ve found that you’ve got to work the lure a little more, but they’re still super, super aggressive fish.

          6. Count Potato

            I tend to agree with Lachowsky. Like you said, besides some ocean fish, fish aren’t that smart. They respond to a simple set of stimuli. Lures that look and act like their natural prey is more sophisticated than their comprehension. So those with unnaturally exaggerated searching patterns, such as a mickey finn or royal coachman, often work better than more realistic flies.

      3. Rebel Scum

        You’re right. Most of my catches with artificial have been with minnow/baitfish replicas, whether it be fresh or salt water.

    3. Gender Traitor

      This. And I really don’t want to see those chartreuse pajamas with the Susan Komen pink in October.

    4. BakedPenguin

      I’d like to comment, but goddamn ESPN is now a goddamn premium channel. ESPN Assholes: I’m not paying jack shit for your rare decent content, especially when you’ve infected your ‘sports’ programming with 60 hours a week with leftist bullshit. GFY.

      1. Rhywun

        So did they give you a discount when they made that change? ‘Cause ESPN is the most expensive channel by far.

        1. BakedPenguin

          I doubt they would have, but it’s a moot point. No way I’d pay that. Even if they didn’t have the commie crap.

          1. Rhywun

            I’m just thinking of a story I read maybe last year saying that ESPN gets like $35 a month from every cable customer in the country. I’ve never heard of it not being part of “regular” cable except for maybe some network-TV-only package if that exists. Long story short, ESPN collects a fuck-ton of money from a huge chunk of America whether they watch it or not.

          2. BakedPenguin

            True. but I’ve got DIRECTV, so I get to choose.

            I choose no.

            Kind of a shame. I remember when ESPN started, and they used to show stuff like Aussie Rules b/c they were looking for super cheap programming. Now they have a shit-ton of leftist talking heads talking politics on a sports channel, and charge a fuckton for the few good programs/games they have. Fuck them with rusty implements. Assholes.

          3. Rhywun

            Ah. I’m not familiar with how DirectTV works.

            But yeah. ESPN sucks. I get my Aussie Rules on FOX.

            Funny thing is, I paid 50 bucks for a year of ESPN+ and I watch the shit out of it. Tons of soccer and tennis plus a lot of other things I haven’t looked at. Totally worth it – for me.

          4. CPRM

            3 years ago most of my TV time was ESPN and NFL Network, dropped both of them when they turned to complete shit, only miss them during the NFL draft.

  7. Lachowsky

    Last Friday night I made enchiladas. I pan fried and then shredded two boneless skin less chicken breasts, and then mixed in a skillet the chicken, ricotta, sour cream, chili powder, minced garlic, salt, pepper, spinach, corn, black beans, and Monterey jack.

    I wrapped that in tortilla shells and places them in a baking dish smothered in enchilada sauce and mozeralla. I baked for half and hour and served with mexican rice. It was very good.

    1. Rhywun

      That doesn’t sound like a vegan holiday recipe to me.

      1. Lachowsky

        I dont think I could ever go vegan. I’m sure it’s fine for some people and I’m sure that I would like some of the food, but I dont see myself ever forsaking eating tasty tasty animals.

        1. BakedPenguin

          I generally try to stay with animals that are dumb, and that I’d have no problems personally butchering. That’s chickens and turkeys. So I’m a hypocrite when I eat pepperoni and bacon. But…pepperoni and bacon. Dude, pepperoni and bacon.

          1. Tejicano

            Yeah, like with bacon, ya know?

          2. Tejicano

            Yeah, like with bacon, ya know?

    2. Sean

      No bacon?

      For shame.

      1. Lachowsky

        I’m out of bacon, and yes. That is shameful.

    3. Suthenboy

      Goddamned that sounds good.
      I think I will be making some of that soon.

      1. Lachowsky

        Glibertarians. Come for the political commentary, stay for the culinary recipes.

    4. westernsloper

      Wtf is a tortilla shell? Clams, oysters, conch and hermit crabs live in shells.

      Serious though, I make something like that often. Except I can’t afford boneless skinless breasts and thighs taste better anyways. Also sans the spinach. You loko.

      1. Rhywun

        I was a thigh man for awhile but I found if I didn’t use ’em right away they got a little gamey for my taste so I’m back to breasts lately.

      2. Lachowsky

        The spinach is the best part. I made some a few months back that were basically identical, but without the chicken and double the spinach.

        It’s like you never even watched popeye bro.

        A tortilla shell is what I call tortillas I guess. It’s probably wrong, but I have always said that and it can refer to either corn or flour tortillas. I prefer flour myself.

        1. Tejicano

          “tortillas. I prefer flour myself”

          You should know that there are places in Mexico where flour tortillas are unknown

    1. Rebel Scum

      16

    2. Spudalicious

      22. I don’t need to know what her face looks like.

    3. Chafed

      Finally something we can all agree on.

    1. Lachowsky

      I think that we should get money out of politics. It should be illegal for anyone to spend any money on campaigning for office.

      If you want to get elected, get your lazy ass out there and walk door to door trying to sell your message.

      1. Heroic Mulatto

        And then we can revere your shoes like the Holy Shroud of Turin.

      2. Ownbestenemy

        But what about the gas you paid for to get to the neighborhood? The water bottle? Etc etc.

        1. Lachowsky

          No gas or water is allowed.

          1. Brochettaward

            Let’s just cut out all of the bullshit and set up a Thunderdome.

  8. Count Potato

    “(Migraines suck.) ”

    Sorry, no argument there.

    1. Rebel Scum

      On that note, more to my liking.

      1. MikeS

        Nice. But the girls in the original video are every bit as hot…and there’s close-ups.

        /side note; Holy Shit! This thing is up to 3.25 BILLION views.

        1. Count Potato

          “This thing is up to 3.25 BILLION views.”

          Wow.

          Anyway, HyunA is in both of them.

          1. MikeS

            ????
            ??

  9. Rebel Scum

    Irish Girl Tries shooting GUNS in AMERICA For the First Time ///SubtleHotness

    Firstly, would. Secondly, would teach her to shoot. Thirdly, would again and again.

    1. Sean

      Crazy eyes. Run away.

    2. Would with extreme prejudice.

    3. Suthenboy

      I am not sure I approve of that introduction to shooting. I have taught countless people to shoot and my approach is completely different.

      1. MikeS

        I was thinking similarly. I don’t know if that guy was uncomfortable being on camera, or uncomfortable with the cute foreign girl, or just a introvert, but I didn’t care for his…”style” for lack of a better word.

        1. Suthenboy

          I spend a lot more time emphasizing the importance of responsibility, keeping your mind on what you are doing and drilling the safety rules/practices in people’s heads before they ever lay a hand on a gun. Once that bullet leaves the barrel there is no taking it back. Ooops, I’m sorry, Uh oh, cant fix it. No matter how many times you dont fuck up it only takes once and something happens that you can never live down or wash off of you and it happens faster than you can mentally process it. It is over before you can figure out what happened. I dont approve of taking some giggly girl whose head is full of nonsense out and just putting a gun in their hand after five minutes. They need to understand what a gun is, what it is capable of and the awesome responsibility they take on when they put their hand on a gun. She said she wanted to do this under controlled circumstances. I would drill it in her head that when she has the gun she is responsible for the controlled circumstances. She has to be the adult. Daddy aint gonna be there to fix everything for her. It struck me when she said that how different the mindset of people like her is from mine.
          Also, he stood too far forward and too far out to her right side when she shot the first time. He should have been closer and behind her shoulder. That was a big red flag for me.

          1. kinnath

            I taught my daughter to shoot pistols this fall.

            I wouldn’t let this guy anywhere near my daughter.

          2. MikeS

            You said more completely what I was trying to get at. He seemed subservient to her instead of being the boss and laying down the rules. He stayed too far from her. He turned the safety off for her…which all led her to actually ask him to pull the trigger for her. SMDH At least he said she had to do that herself.

            One big thing I was surprised he didn’t do was to fire the first few shots so she’d see there was nothing to worry about. She was going into it completely ignorant. Actually worse than ignorant, she was full of anti-gun propaganda. He should have spent a lot more time just handling the weapon and then shooting it before her. He handled it very poorly.

            /possible caveat: I only watched through the .22 rifle. I assumed the AR was only going to be worse and turned it off.

          3. Tres Cool

            Young 12 year-old Tres in the Ohio Hunter’s Safety Course. And the instructor said exactly that: “you never have your finger on the trigger unless you intend to shoot something. You never shoot something unless it’s in your sight-picture.”

          4. straffinrun

            So basically not what cops do?

          5. Tres Cool

            Family dogs hardest hit

    1. Rhywun

      The demonstration was organized by groups including the Los Angeles Community Action Network and the Los Angeles chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America

      Makes sense given that their goal is creating more homeless people.

      1. MikeS

        The most frustrating part of this nonsense to me is that after decades of being socialists, but being afraid to admit it, once they do they have to make a lie of it and add this “democratic” nonsense.

        No…the most frustrating part is how many Americans buy into it.

    2. straffinrun

      “You better watch out, you better not cry, Eric Garcetti is telling us lies, human rights violations happening now.”

      Rhyming is difficult.

      1. Tres Cool

        “Slavery is alive in Libya, right now” fits better

        1. Suthenboy

          It always has been. BO and Hillary just set off a revival of open, naked chattel slavery a la 7th century style. Yaaaay!

  10. Ownbestenemy

    No vegan for me…hour 3 in what’s going to be a long night smokin some pork for a pot luck tomorrow. Sitting outside, nice cool air with apple wood filling my nostrils.

  11. Spudalicious

    So I did something satisfying this afternoon. Today was the last day to pick up layaways at Walmart before Christmas, so because I can, I went down and paid off a few. I’m just sorry I wasn’t there to watch them pick up their stuff from around the corner.

    1. Dude. That’s…that’s fuckin’ awesome.

    2. straffinrun

      I don’t understand the point of layaway. Then again, I always pay cash for my cars.

      1. Layaway is like a credit card in reverse. I’ve never put anything on layaway, but I think part of the deal is if you find something you can’t afford you can put it on layaway at the regular price and then come back when it’s on sale and pay the rest of it off at the sale price.

        1. straffinrun

          Playing the futures market? I suppose that’s nice of Spud to do, but how you know you aren’t helping out an asshole?

          1. Sure, I mean, wife-beaters and kid-touchers get canned goods from churches, too.

          2. straffinrun

            Good point. I’ve just been burned too many times trying help out people I know. Helping out people you don’t know has gotta be even trickier. Not saying Spud made a mistake or that it wasn’t gracious. Spreading good will never hurts.

        2. Spudalicious

          More often than not, it’s people that can’t pay for it outright, or they don’t want to use credit or don’t have the credit. I just figured that if they’re waiting until the very last day to pick up their merchandise, there’s a good chance they are struggling to make ends meet. They are people trying to do it themselves. To me, that is the very purpose of charity.

          1. straffinrun

            Doesn’t happen here so much in Asia, but I remember seeing people around me spending money on unnecessary stuff all the time even when they didn’t have any savings. It soured me on charity. Helping the truly deserving sometimes comes with cost of helping the undeserving. You a good man. Just asking questions.

    3. Ownbestenemy

      That’s more awesome than when celebrities do it. Great job Spud

    4. Tres Cool

      Lookit Kid Rock over here, buying Nashville for Christmas.

      1. Spudalicious

        Tyler Perry paid off all the layaways at two Walmart’s, Kid Rock dropped a chunk in Detroit, Glenn Beck paid off all the layaways at a Walmart in Dallas.

        I picked a Walmart in one of the areas that wasn’t as affluent as others. If my small contribution in comparison helps out a few families, I’m happy. I’m also a sucker for the various Veteran’s groups, food banks and toy drives that set up at grocery stores.

        Hey, it helps offset the fact that I’m generally an asshole. Get off of my lawn.

    5. Tundra

      Excellent. You’re less of an asshole today. 😉

  12. Rhywun

    Fuck. Can somebody fucking beat Tampa Bay already? This is getting ridiculous.

    1. straffinrun

      I’m at work, but why is it only 3-0 in the 3Q of MNF?

      1. Rhywun

        No idea – I’ve been watching the NY Rangers stink it up again.

      2. Russell Wilson just handed the ball to the Vikings at the end of the half. I’ve been half paying attention but apparently it hasn’t been what you’d call an offensive display for either team.

        1. straffinrun

          Wish I hadn’t checked it out. 4th and goal from the 1 and you can’t punch it in? Ugh.

        2. CPRM

          For some reason Pete Carrol is a glib, I don’t get it.

          1. straffinrun

            Heh. Singularity?

  13. Tres Cool

    Speaking of Tennessee .

  14. Tres Cool

    Canada: Bob & Doug Mackenzie still still live on .

    1. Rhywun

      404 but the hover made me giggle.

      1. Tres Cool

        My bad. It was active earlier.

          1. Rhywun

            No worries. The URL said it all.

          2. Spudalicious

            That story is just friggin’ awesome. I’ve been that drunk, but never been caught.

          3. straffinrun

            Not for ID, but women use tacos as currency all the time.

          4. Tres Cool

            /hey-oohhhhhh!!

          5. CPRM

            You’re saying all women are mexicans? I don’t get it.

          6. Spudalicious

            He’s in Japan. He’s talking about fish tacos.

          7. CPRM

            Mexicans eat fish tacos. I’ve seen it.

  15. The teachers are one thing, but a Miss America contestant?

    https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/us-news/former-miss-kentucky-charged-sending-13712047

    Nice work for the kid though.

    1. straffinrun

      Is a cougar a wildcat?

    1. CPRM

      What is Seth Green’s cut?

  16. Akira

    OT: Need some tips here… How do you avoid having to take a shit while you’re out jogging?

    This didn’t used to be as big of an issue, but I keep having to cut my runs short due to, well, the runs. It doesn’t matter if I sit on the toilet and try to get everything out immediately before I go; I’ll go about two or three miles and have to stop and find a bathroom.

    I’ve been avoiding caffeine before running since it tends to make the bowels spastic, but I’m wondering if it might be better to just have some caffeine so that everything flushes out.

    Is there some kind of supplement that might slow things down in the GI tract for a while so that I can run without having to worry about it?

    1. Spudalicious

      Change your routine to fit your bodies schedule. Drink your coffee earlier to get things flushed out before you run. Figure out what it is that’s causing the problem, since it appears that it might not be caffeine, etc.

    2. Tundra

      Well, I always had coffee before I ran, simply to get everything moving. Are you eating enough leafy greens?

      1. straffinrun

        We’ve literally devolved into dissecting our own feces. We’re no better than DU comment section.

        1. Tundra

          Devolved? We have the luxury of talking about shitting during optional exercise. I would definitely call that progress.

          1. straffinrun

            Pics or GTFO.

          2. Tundra

            I think you’ve been there too long.

          3. Rhywun

            Wait… he’s in Germany now??

          4. Spudalicious

            You want pictures of people with the shits? I concur, are you German?

    3. CPRM

      When ever I get farthest from a toilet that is when I need one. My bowels have always hated me.

      1. Tres Cool

        +1 kroger bathroom

      2. Akira

        Definitely… I’ve had to, um, improvise a bathroom more than a few times. Definitely don’t like having to do that.

        1. Tundra

          What time of day do you run?

          1. CPRM

            Don’t you mean what time of day does he get the runs?

        2. CPRM

          So you’re that jogging shitter that made the news last year?

    4. straffinrun

      That reminds me of the first joke I ever posted at TOS: My dog ate my pocket protector. Now he has a spastic colon.

      No wonder they booted me twice.

      1. CPRM

        Wait, aren’t all our posts jokes? I thought this was a website for Improv comedy as a crazy libertarian character, maybe I got the wrong brochure…

    5. Suthenboy

      Dress like a homeless person. Stop, squat and pinch a loaf when the mood strikes you. No one will pay any attention.

      1. Heroic Mulatto

        ^This guy knows what’s up^

    6. egould310

      Just keep running your schedule. Your body will adjust. Been there, shat that.

    7. deadhead

      I’m a bit hardcore, but I drink my day’s first caffeine at the same time almost every day. Specifically, I have either a double or quad cold espresso (that I’ve previously made) when my alarm goes off at 5:15am. I then poop about fifteen minutes later.

      Typically, by the time my alarm goes off I’ve already gotten up and started my routine (including making the following day’s espresso), although I don’t allow myself to get up before 4:45 to prevent my schedule from creeping forward.

      I also eat a crap ton of veggies, fruit, pulses and other high fiber food.

    8. The Last American Hero

      Hang on, I’ll ask my dog.

      Nope, she just says to roll with it.

  17. CPRM

    A favorite ‘parody’ song of mine, yall probably heard it already, but if not: Too Late To Apologize

  18. straffinrun

    I’m exhausted from being so brave all the time. Think I’ll talk shit about black people in my Oscar award speech.

  19. straffinrun

    Back to work. G’night and don’t post anything that will endanger your future Heisman.

    1. Tundra

      Lol. That train has sailed.

      1. CPRM

        Nice reversal on that.

        1. Tundra

          Stole it from Austin Powers.

          1. Rhywun

            Yeah, baby!

          2. CPRM

            Tundra probably smells like cabbages and has small hands.

          3. Tundra

            No, I smell like nuclear war.

          4. CPRM

            Who does number 2 work for!?

          5. Tundra

            Cmon don’t force it, you’re gonna blow out your o-ring, drop a lung.

          6. CPRM

            ahh, Austin Powers. After I saw it I wrote on a friend’s car with soap because he cock blocked me. To be 17 again…(Now you feel old)

  20. BakedPenguin

    Hey Rhywun, you get the AFL on FOX? Could you explain that a bit more?

    1. Chafed

      Genuine soccer question or enigmatic football joke?

      1. BakedPenguin

        Genuine Aussie Rules question. I can’t find it on US tv, except ESPN, which (see above) Ii hate,

    2. Rhywun

      Well, Fox Sports 1 or Fox Sports 2 or Fox Soccer Plus – to be more accurate. Usually one of the latter two with repeats on the other one. Generally four or five matches a week – seemingly picked at random.

      1. BakedPenguin

        Thx, I’ll check into it.

        1. Rhywun

          + a lot of pre-season, all the playoffs and the Grand Final, some ladies’ matches, and some weird soccer/AFL hybrid matches last year.

          It hasn’t been on ESPN in many years as far as I know.

          1. BakedPenguin

            My bad. I haven’t ESPN for years, but you probably got that,

            I’d much rather pay for Fox Sports 2 or Soccer Plus, anyway.

  21. Chafed

    Webdom, there’s no link to the eggnog recipe.

    /Yes, I actually read the articles

    1. CPRM

      Your USA Hat level one time credit is in tomorrow’s cartoon, so don’t miss it.

      1. Chafed

        Looking forward to it. Mom always said some day my name would be in lights.

        1. CPRM

          Well, LEDs on what ever screen you’re seeing it on are lights in a sense. So your mom was right.

    2. BakedPenguin

      Hey, I read the pot pie recipe, I’m just too drunk to respond coherently.

      Show some respect, dammit!

      1. Chafed

        Credit where credit is due. You did mention Qorn and comment on Boca burgers.

        1. BakedPenguin

          Thank you, mess messerer! (tries to stand in acknowledgement, passes out on the coffee table)

    3. Spudalicious

      Wait, there was an article?

      1. Chafed

        Don’t play coy. I read your on topic comments.

  22. Ownbestenemy

    Time to move the pig to the oven. It’s dark and late and I just want this to be done.

    1. Spudalicious

      Pork butt reheats very well. You may want to rethink your approach.

      1. Ownbestenemy

        Yeah. I’m thinking 190 and then let settle and pull. Then tomorrow crock pot it. I’m just pulling knowledge from the interwebs

    2. CPRM

      mmmm, low heat pork, just enough smokey fire to burn all night, making me hungry.

      1. Ownbestenemy

        Made it to 202 deg in the smoker. Wrapped and sealed for tomorrow to be reheated and pulled.

  23. Rhywun

    Sometimes I wonder if the Rangers, Islanders, and Devils could join forces and field one decent team between them.

    1. CPRM

      Sometimes I wonder if hockey will ever be interesting, the objective truth is no.

      1. Rhywun

        Meow.

        1. CPRM

          I mean, I get playing hockey, it’s fun, but watching it? It has the same flaw as soccer, rugby, basketball and La Cross, their is never a stoppage to allow for an actual strategy.

      2. Ownbestenemy

        I hate you now

        1. CPRM

          Welcome to 99%.

          1. Ownbestenemy

            But I love you

    2. Chafed

      It’s as likely as the Jets and Giants combining to form one decent football team.

  24. Lackadaisical

    My wife bought some alcohol that didn’t include it’s ABV. The only numbers I noticed were 30 U.P. on some bottles and 15 U.P. on others. This is a local distilled drink, so I’m hoping to figure out how strong it is without using trial and error. Any ideas?

    1. l0b0t

      Pour a wee bit into a shot glass and light it – If it doesn’t flame, it’s too tame.

      1. Lackadaisical

        Not a bad idea. Thanks.