Thursday Afternoon Links

Oh, she accidentally slipped and stabbed her husband to death.

Today I’m feeling very visual. Tell me you didn’t look at this picture

 

And imagine her cosplaying this with The Donald

 

 

That’s what I’ve got today!

Here’s a little song for my outro.

 

Comments

360 responses to “Thursday Afternoon Links”

  1. Tres Cool

    “It was a million to one shot doc!”

    1. C. Anacreon

      And despite it being a million-to-one shot you were first. Now where’s that m-f-ing theme music?

  2. Brochettaward

    First.

    1. Brochettaward

      You are by the worst linker ever.

      1. MikeS

        You count as well as you form proper sentences.

        1. Brochettaward

          I won’t be talked down to by a 2D Mooninite.

          1. MikeS

            Don’t make me use the QUAD LASER!!!!

      2. Bobarian LMD

        Are you saying he’s next to the worst linker?

    1. FIRST TITTIES!

      1. Those images are predominantly of posteriors.

    2. AlmightyJB

      Very nice

  3. Tres Cool

    Gonna need a ruling….

    1. Chafed

      On what?

      1. MikeS

        On what happened to his mother f’ckn theme music.

  4. Florida Man

    Is there only one link?

    1. grrizzly

      That’s a record!

    2. MikeS

      Technically, there’s two links.

      Just thought I’d point that out before UCS or Ted did.

      1. Would I… oh nevermind, of course I would.

        1. MikeS

          Hahahaha. Ted, you made my day just a little bit brighter.

      2. Playa Manhattan

        Technically correct is the only correct if you’re UCS or Ted.

        1. Untrue. It is correct for everyone!

          1. ruodberht

            He didn’t say it’s only correct if you’re UCS or Ted.

            He said it’s the only correct if you’re UCS or Ted.

            You’re affirming the consequent.

            Technically.

          2. Playa Manhattan

            Boom! Mic drop.

          3. You should be careful declaring that.

          4. Jarflax

            Did you just drop the boom on him?

          5. I didn’t want to tell him, but I also accept morally correct and mathematically correct, so the assertion is still wrong.

        2. Florida Man

          It’s the best kind.

        3. You’re just jealous that I’m always correct.

    3. Certified Public Asshat

      A recycled link no less.

      1. Sean

        purveyor of links

        hmmmm….

    4. One news story, one music link. So technically two links.

    5. Rasilio

      There are Four Links

  5. ChipsnSalsa

    Wurst linx evah

    1. Brochettaward

      Robby one time didn’t even post links.

      It was still better than this.

      1. ChipsnSalsa

        faint praise there

        1. Bobarian LMD

          Robby has glorious hair.

          Robby by a landslide.

          1. C. Anacreon

            “Fruit Sushi, yummy yummy ……”

            /The Wiggles

          2. PBRstreetgang

            Thanks, after nearly a 10 year absence, you’ve put that god forsaken tune back in my head.

    2. Old Man With Candy

      Well, my links are GREAT and get less traffic than this. So… maybe these are GREATER. Ever think about that? Huh? HUH?

      1. Spudalicious

        What are these “links”? I thought this was a chat forum.

      2. Gadfly

        Well, my links are GREAT and get less traffic than this.

        While your candy links may be great, we were warned of stranger danger.

  6. I just came here to claim that I was, in fact, first. All you other Firsters are mistaken.

    1. C. Anacreon

      May I have your attention, please?
      May I have your attention, please?
      Will the real First Poster please stand up?
      I repeat, will the real First Poster please stand up?
      We’re gonna have a problem here…

      Tres Cool’s the First Poster, yes he’s the First Poster
      All you other next Posters are just imitating
      So won’t the real First Poster please stand up
      Please stand up, please stand up?

      1. *picks up rusty tire iron*

        *Beats C. Acacreon for referencing obnoxious noise*

      2. Gadfly

        Are you saying we have a primary poster poseur problem?

        1. Don Escaped Texas

          possibly?

          * muses *

          probably

          1. MikeS

            Preposterous!

          2. Jarflax

            Perhaps people pedantically perusing precedence per posting produces petulance?

          3. Probably perceptable pestilence.

          4. Spudalicious

            Pshaw

  7. Certified Public Asshat

    White Americans Gain the Most From Trump’s Tax Cuts, a Report Finds

    White Americans earn about 77 percent of total income in the United States, but they are getting nearly 80 percent of the benefits of the individual and business tax cuts generated by the new law, the analysis found. African-Americans received about 5 percent of the benefits, despite earning 6 percent of the nation’s income. Latinos got about 7 percent, although their share of all income is 8 percent.

    Hmm, we seem to be missing a group.

    As a result, the average tax cut going to a white American household is more than double one going to a black or Latino one. The study found that the group getting the highest average cut was Asian-Americans, who have the highest average income of any of the groups.

    There it is, buried later in the article.

    1. Brochettaward

      Groups that pay taxes gain the most from a tax cut. Film at 11.

      I’m just surprised they at least framed it in a relatively honest way by saying gained the most.

    2. Playa Manhattan

      Hmmm…. so what happens if we run this thought exercise in reverse?

      1. PBRstreetgang

        ?seitironim morf gnilaets era elpoep etihw

        1. Nope, still doesn’t make sense.

        2. Dr. Fronkensteen

          “I command you, in the name of Lucifer, to spill the blood of the innocent!” ?

          1. AlmightyJB

            Nobody’s innocent

        3. Rhywun

          !RIAF TON

    3. Rufus the Monocled

      Damn whitey get all the breaks!

    4. Mustang

      I don’t see what’s bad in this. Everyone gets to keep more money? Okay then. Good talk, I guess.

      1. But, but, the richpeople get to keep more! Unfair to give tax breaks to the rich

        /Several Candidates This year,.

      2. Rhywun

        Won’t someone please think of the researchers who get paid to plug data into their racial slicer machine?

        1. Mustang

          For just $1.2m a year, you can help feed this poor young social scientist.

          *Sarah McLachlan plays in the background*

          1. pan fried wylie

            that 1.2m/yr pays for a number of 503c jobs as well as the one social scientist, shitlord

    5. R C Dean

      White Americans earn about 77 percent of total income in the United States, but they are getting nearly 80 percent of the benefits of the individual and business tax cuts generated by the new law

      I wonder how they attribute business tax cuts by race.

    6. Jarflax

      So they are really claiming that the group that earns 77% of the income is getting almost 80% of the tax cuts? In my world 77% is almost 80% and therefore I read this as:

      White Americans earn about 77 percent almost 80 % of total income in the United States, but and therefore, since the tax cuts apply across the board they are getting nearly 80 percent of the benefits

      1. Isn’t that also fairly close to their percentage of the population?

        1. The Last American Hero

          No. Whites make up50.5 percent and will be overtaken any week now.

          /media for the last 20 years

  8. Urthona

    Nothing else going on today?

    1. Did you hear about the guy in Oregon who heard Trump was being impeached so he could die happy?

      1. Dr. Fronkensteen

        Wasn’t he a Browns fan who wanted the Browns players to be his pall bearers so they could let him down one more time?

        1. Bobarian LMD

          Huge fan of Lou Reed, I heard.

      1. Florida All cops assholes.

        Fixed it for you, at least as long as I got the HTML right.

        1. Jarflax

          Actually you left it grammatically problematic, and also ambiguous. What precisely are you two saying about the anal openings of police officers? Or are you arguing about who stole some unidentified assholes, using somewhat dated slang?

      2. Florida Man

        Never was it my intent to hurt the little girl,” Kruid said. “I don’t want to see her do jail time. She needs to know at 11 years old this is the consequence.”

        Fuck that noise. I’d press full charges.

        1. Playa Manhattan

          She won’t do jail time.

          But at least they’ll know where to look when more dogs go missing.

          1. AlmightyJB

            Well Florida needs more dog ladies to offset all of the cat ladies.

          2. Playa Manhattan

            “Dog lady” means something different in Florida.

          3. Unreconstructed

            Which one is that a picture of?

        2. MikeS

          I’m not sure how I’d handle this, but one thing is for sure: an eleven year old (should) sure as hell knows she was breaking the law.

          1. Florida Man

            It was premeditated. She brought treats, a leash and removed the dogs collar. She knew what she was doing now she can pay the piper.

          2. MikeS

            Grand theft sounds a little much, though.

          3. slumbrew

            $1,500 dog

          4. MikeS

            Yeah, I mean charging an 11 year old with grand theft seems a bit much. But there may be something else here we don’t know.

            If this is an otherwise good kid with no record who just wanted a puppy real bad, cut her some slack. If she’s a little convict in training, throw the book at her.

          5. Enough About Palin

            I’m just appalled that 11-year-old girl and snatching are in the same headline.

          6. Brochettaward

            Which of us didn’t run a scheme or seven where we stole our neighbor’s dog and sold it the local Chinese restaurant?

          7. leon

            You act like i stopped doing that…

          8. C. Anacreon

            Which of us didn’t run a scheme or seven

            Remember, once you get to six you get egg roll.

          9. Jarflax

            I’m just appalled that 11-year-old girl and snatching are in the same headline.

            and not a sign of OMWC

        3. Grumbletarian

          She’s being charged with grand theft as a juvenile. Seems appropriate to me.

  9. Rebel Scum

    Tell me you didn’t look at this picture

    Too much clothing. We need a first-lady whitehouse bikini and/or lingerie photo-shoot.

    1. Playa Manhattan

      “transgender middle schooler”

      Mommy’s friends at Jezebel are going to be SO jealous.

      1. Grumbletarian

        Should’ve been ‘Fight for your right to potty’. A-

        1. Heroic Mulatto

          I based it off the quote from the video.

      2. Chafed

        Well done HM. And finally a link from you that doesn’t require eye bleach.

  10. leon

    I can’t believe that woman was arrested for slipping. Men expect perfection out of women, that they don’t expect out of other men.

    #BelieveAllWomen

    1. leon

      Also. I think this is Technically the first comment to actually talk about the links so…. FIRST!

      1. RBS

        Whatever, Tulpa.

      2. Playa Manhattan

        Florida Man was the first to complain.

        1. leon

          But mine was actually about the contents of a link, not the links in themselves.

        2. Florida Man

          I wasn’t so much complaining as shining a light on Brett.

          1. Bobarian LMD

            Nobody wants that!

  11. Count Potato

    I would have gone with this:

    Link fixed by edit fairy.

    1. ChipsnSalsa

      soo close.

  12. Tres Cool

    A whole lot of people could’ve saved 15% or more .

    1. MikeS

      If she cared so much about the seals she would have given one of them the free treat she just caught.

  13. Count Potato

    “Charges dismissed against Bellevue police officer; prosecutors say accuser fabricated rape allegations

    Prosecutors have dismissed domestic-violence assault and witness-tampering charges against a Bellevue police officer who was arrested in July, and have opted not to pursue rape charges against another Bellevue officer, both incidents involving the same woman.

    Both officers’ legal troubles stemmed from allegations made by an Issaquah woman, who, according to an investigation by the King County Sheriff’s Office, has a history of seeking out men on Craigslist and then falsely reporting those consensual encounters as a crime to police.

    According to police, she had made false rape accusations twice previously.

    Sgt. Ryan Abbott of the King County Sheriff’s Office said that due to concerns about the 44-year-old woman’s mental heath, investigators are not recommending that she be charged with any crime, including false reporting.”

    https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/crime/charges-dismissed-against-bellevue-police-officer-prosecutors-say-accuser-fabricated-rape-allegation/

    1. Male cop vs. female rape accuser?

      How about they’re both lying?

    2. PBRstreetgang

      “has a history of seeking out men on Craigslist and then falsely reporting those consensual encounters as a crime to police.”
      Isn’t this a good argument for telling the community who she is? She apparently has pattern of false accusations, but they still refuse to publicly identify her.

      1. wdalasio

        Exactly. But, for all the talk about the patriarchy, women get a free pass for false rape accusations. It’s seen as a faux pas and not anything to get all upset about.

        1. C. Anacreon

          Unpossible. According to a Facebook meme going around right now, there’s only a 0.00003 chance a male will ever get a false rape accusation, while one in four women will be sexually assaulted.

          In other words, despite all these false accusations we keep hearing about daily, false accusations statistically almost never happen, so men need to shut up and believe all accusations against them, even if they have an “alibi”.

          1. Subwoofer

            As someone here mentioned the other day, its pretty hard to find a male among the younger generations who either hasn’t had a false allegation leveled against them or know someone who has.

            Combined with the fact that every. single. instance. of these nationally popularized allegations have, upon further scrutiny, turned out to be a hoax, its starting to seem like the only reason other males believe allegations made without copious evidence is because they themselves are sexual abusers projecting their own proclivities onto the rest of their gender.

          2. wdalasio

            Yeah, I’ve heard that line uttered seriously. My only response is “Since we know it never happens, and we know women never lie about rape, why don’t you agree to make false allegations a mandatory capital offense and shut us troglodytes up?”

      2. creech

        My local paper won’t publish the name “due to the nature of the alleged crime.” Perhaps someone would come forward
        with “oh, it’s her again; she once threatened to accuse me” if the name were published. U.S. is still too prudish about anything having to do with sex. Maybe that’s one reason some high school girl gets hysterical for life because a date tried to touch her boobs in the movie theater or some dude couldn’t handle another dude coming on to him.

    3. Gustave Lytton

      What a coincidence that she accused two different cops. How did that come about?

      If you were a rapist, someone with a history of false accusations would be a convenient target.

  14. Tres Cool

    Someone is All Shook Up .

    1. Playa Manhattan

      Can it be done from… the other end?

      Asking for a friend.

      1. Florida Man

        Just wait, it’ll get there.

        1. Bobarian LMD

          Kids are so impatient these days.

      1. Timeloose

        Here is another song with the same name.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ttJLJnyduEo

  15. Juvenile Bluster

    I hate everything and everyone. Especially you. You know who you are.

    Meanwhile, modern day Hatfields and McCoys continue their feud in Florida. 9 years, 47 shootings, 5 homicides.

    http://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/palm-beach/delray-beach/fl-ne-delray-shooting-spady-elementary-20180925-story.html

    1. Mad Scientist

      He’s talking to you, Winston.

    2. Dr. Fronkensteen

      Chicago street gangs scoff at these numbers.

      1. C. Anacreon

        Scoffing gives them something to do while walking to Indiana to buy guns.

    3. Playa Manhattan

      “Police say members of the community have resisted efforts to stop the shootings.”

      See? they like it!

    4. It’s OK; we hate you too.

    5. Suthenboy

      9 years? Amateurs.

      There re two families in Catahoula parish that have been at that as long as anyone can remember, more than 100 years. I dont think anyone even knows how it got started.

      1. Playa Manhattan

        I would argue that letting a feud go on for 100 years is amateur. Finish the job.

    6. MikeS

      47 shootings, 5 homicides

      If someone were to open a gun range down there to help these people with their marksmanship, they could make a killing.

      1. pistoffnick

        Boooooo!*

        *OK I chortled

      2. Mr Lizard

        Yo I got this

        *narrow reptilian gaze*

        1. Mustang

          You’re clearly not a chameleon, so how exactly does that work? Do you swing your head back and forth rapidly?

          1. Judicious use the the nictitating membrane.

          2. Jarflax

            Maybe he is in fact a leaf chameleon, narrowly gazing from his tiny narrow face.

    7. commodious spittoon

      A couple of bullets hit a wall and broke a window of a teacher’s lounge at nearby S.D. Spady Elementary School, Moschella said. No one on campus was hurt.

      Added to the school shootings list anyway.

      1. C. Anacreon

        FYI S.D. Spady is also known as “Slim” Spady

        (just for UnCivilServant)

        1. Tres Cool

          Will the real Slim Spady please stand up, please stand up

          1. *bludgeons Tres with same blood-stained, rusty tire iron*

          2. Tres Cool

            Oh, just calm down

            (NSFW)

    1. Jarflax

      So the highly ethical reporters broadcast the password he slipped up and showed?

      * walks off muttering “Free speech is important. But is it important enough to justify reporters?”

    1. Count Potato

      “FAIRMONT, W.Va. (AP) – A West Virginia woman is accused of trying to steal a car, threatened to drink deputies’ blood and hide a knife in her buttocks.

      The hidden knife was found during booking. She acknowledged using it to cut a seat belt in the cruiser.

      She’s charged with attempted robbery and threats of terroristic acts.”

    2. Hyperion

      Did you know what in West Vagina, there is a place named ‘Deep Hole’. Honest, I am not making this up.

  16. Count Potato

    “Two-month-old baby contracts disease from unvaccinated sister, and the mum’s reaction is unbelievable

    “We all want to do what’s right for our kids. I am a real mom who doesn’t vaccinate. My son is currently 2 months old. I’m in the hospital with him right now. He is positive for pertussis and they are telling me he got it from my unvaccinated daughter. I have been mom shamed all day but stood my ground on our beliefs. Has anyone else’s child got some horrible diseases because they don’t vaccinate? Please comment. My baby is really suffering and it’s horrible to watch. I need some encouragement I did the right thing.””

    https://www.indy100.com/article/anti-vaccination-contract-disease-baby-mother-online-response-reddit-8559936

    You didn’t, because you are an irresponsible asshole.

    1. Rufus the Monocled

      No.

      You’re wrong.

    2. Florida Man

      You have the right to not vaccinate. You also have the right to be a moron.

    3. Rufus the Monocled

      I would love to see the Twitter account.

    4. wdalasio

      Honestly, I find some of the responses horrible. What she did was stupid. Idiotic, even. And, honestly, people should tell her that what she’s doing is stupid and idiotic and probably led to her son getting sick. But, honestly, the responses i see there amount more to getting satisfaction from their own presumed superiority to this woman than getting her to change her behavior. Yeah, she was an idiot. But, isn’t it better to say “Don’t do that. Stop being an idiot.” than it is to say crap like “This is exactly what I think of when I think of trashy- asking for sympathy because you caused your child to contract a preventable illness”.

      1. Brochettaward

        It’s like you don’t even get the point of the internet.

        1. Venting spleen and getting stolen identities?

          1. MikeS

            …and rule 34

          2. That’s not what it’s for, that’s just what happens.

          3. MikeS

            You are technically correct.

        2. Jarflax

          Shut your stupid whore mouth!! YOu don’t get to tell people the point of the internet you shitlord!!!

          1. Jarflax

            sorry needs more eleventyones !1!!!!1!!!!!

      2. Rhywun

        You weren’t seriously expecting better comments, were you?

      3. Semi-Spartan Dad

        Agreed. I’m not even sure that vaccinations would have prevented it in this case either. I may be mistaken but I don’t think the pertussis vaccine prevents one from being a carrier and the close contact between siblings probably would have allowed its spread even with a vaccinated daughter being asymptomatic.

        Pertussis is one of the vaccines unequivocally worth administering at an early age. It’s still a good idea though to take a clear-eyed look at these kinds of cases.

        1. R C Dean

          As near as I can tell from a quick look, it looks like its possible for people vaccinated against pertussis to become asymptomatic carriers, but they are probably (much?) less likely to infect someone else than someone who has not been vaccinated.

          So, its not a slam dunk that her baby wouldn’t have whooping cough if she had vaccinated her other kid, but its probably much less likely. There’s no way to know, and not even a very good idea what the relative risk is.

          1. Semi-Spartan Dad

            Certainly much less risk for spreading to the general populace. I’d say how much less risk for the sibling depends on their level of interaction. If she’s holding the baby brother daily while continuously breathing on him, giving him kisses, that kind of thing… kid’s probably going to get it either way.

            I wonder how long it takes for pertussis to start providing protection. The biggest protection would have been to vaccinate the son, but there’s probably a window before it starts becoming effective. Lost half a litter of puppies to parvo from an earlier exposure despite vaccinating at the earliest recommended time.

          2. Playa Manhattan

            I first vaccinated my kids for pertussis 60 days after they were born. Boosters followed.

            I think that it’s safe to say that if she had vaccinated both kids, this would not have happened.

    5. Gadfly

      I need some encouragement I did the right thing.

      Not unless there’s a family history of adverse reactions. Otherwise it’s playing Russian roulette, which isn’t exactly responsible.

  17. Enough About Palin

    MH370 experts think they’ve finally solved the mystery of the doomed Malaysia Airlines flight

    http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/nationworld/ct-malaysia-airlines-flight-20180514-story,amp.html

    1. Count Potato

      Wolf Blitzer did it.

      1. Rufus the Monocled

        What the fuck is a Wolf Blitzer?

        1. Hyperion

          “What the fuck is a Wolf Blitzer?”

          It’s a talking head thingy that randomly pops up on CNN and spouts proggy non-sense. So a lot like a Anderson Cooper, only with a beard.

        2. Bobarian LMD

          There are many definitions.

          Since Hyperion likes the beard, he should go with #3.

        3. Spudalicious

          Don’t pretend you don’t know, he’s one of yours.

          1. Spudalicious

            AND Canadian.

    2. Playa Manhattan

      They’re missing a piece of the puzzle. A very large piece.

      1. PBRstreetgang

        Aliens?

        1. C. Anacreon

          The Island.

          1. Tres Cool

            Hitler. Has to be Hitler.

    3. Rufus the Monocled

      “They suspect that the plane’s 2014 disappearance and apparent crash was a suicide by the 53-year-old Zaharie – and a premeditated act of mass murder.”

      Ouch.

    4. Emmerson Biggins

      It was a black hole just like Don Lemon said it was. Don’t believe the cover story being pushed by the Lizard People.

      1. Rufus the Monocled

        I’m surprised Don Lemon didn’t believe saying ‘black hole’ is racist.

  18. Count Potato

    “Hey black people, don’t you know you’re not allowed to have an opinion that hasn’t been sanctioned by the Democrat party!? Dare to think for yourself and CNN will rip you to shreds…. #walkaway”

    https://twitter.com/THEHermanCain/status/1050416989028671488

    1. commodious spittoon

      Herman Cain is the Nick Gillespie of black people.

      1. Heroic Mulatto

        9! 9! 9!

        1. grrizzly

          I totally forgot about his “program.” It was already seven years ago.

      2. No Jacket™ Required?

    2. ruodberht

      Herman Cain is offering Democrats safe passage through the wasteland?

      1. Hyperion

        Are the pyramid shaped grain silos on the tour?

        1. CPRM

          Wrong black republican, racist.

          1. Scruffy Nerfherder

            Cut him some slack, it was a 50/50 chance.

  19. Chafed

    “And imagine her cosplaying this with The Donald.” Great, now we’re going to get an SF story with Donald in a dress, Melania pegging Donald, or both.

    1. Tres Cool

      I still cant get past “vagina tomb”

      1. Bobarian LMD

        You have to flick the special key to get past it and advance to the next treasure room.

        1. Bobarian LMD

          That treasure room? The Butthole of Doom.

          1. Tres Cool

            Its like you already have that puzzle [dons sunglasses] …….licked

  20. Winded

    I got a link, even though Sloopy usually covers the golf beat. One of Venezuela’s rare millionaires (in US dollars) cannot effectively ply his trade:

    (t/w autoplay)

    https://www.golfdigest.com/story/more-passport-issues-force-jhonattan-vegas-to-withdraw-from-cimb-classic

    “Vegas’ homeland, Venezuela, is in the midst of civil unrest and economic collapse. On Monday the country’s congress reported Venezuelan consumer prices rose 488,865 percent in the 12 months ending in September.”

    1. Brochettaward

      You know, Venezuela needs a new currency. Blowjobs hold their value. No matter how deep the recession, a blowjob is a blowjob.

      1. Bobarian LMD

        It is the gold standard of sex acts.

      2. Spudalicious

        So your personally starting a Venezuelan bank?

        1. Tres Cool

          +1 night depository

      3. Gadfly

        While some services/commodities hold their value better than others, nothing is immune from devaluation, everything is subject to the law of supply and demand. Given how well Venezuela has been managed, I’d say they’d be able to devalue your new currency as well.

        1. Don Escaped Texas

          depends on whether we have elastic supply

          * doesn’t deserve rimshot, I know *

      4. MikeS

        No matter how deep the recession, a blowjob is a blowjob.

        There’s a joke in there somewhere…

        1. Stanhope has a bit about some suit thinking that if the economy gets any worse he’ll have to start sucking cock on the corner, meanwhile, a whore sucking cock is thinking if the economy gets any worse she’ll need to start selling her ass-pussy.

        2. Spudalicious

          I once had a girlfriend that was great at deep recession.

      5. Count Potato

        I don’t think blowjobs are fungible.

  21. Don Escaped Texas

    No matter how deep the recession, a blowjob is a blowjob.

    How do we get this added as the ninth iron law? Would it be need to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting?

    1. C. Anacreon

      A bi-weekly blowjob seems like a nice return on investment.

    2. R C Dean

      We (and yes, that is the royal we) adopted the ninth Iron Law last week:

      It can always get worse.

      For some reason, the Overlords have not found time in their busy schedules to update the list.

    3. MikeS

      A blowjob is not always a blowjob. If done very poorly (i.e. toothy), it can be closer to torture.

      …unless you are in to that sort of thing.

  22. Don Escaped Texas

    I thought if a cop did it it was okay

    Let’s hope this doesn’t make it to Judge K.

    1. Mad Scientist

      The officers have been suspended with pay as they await their day in court. According to Detroit police policy, officers are given paid suspensions when accused of crimes until the Board of Police Commissioners is petitioned by the chief to withhold salary. Whether or not the chief will do this remains unclear.

      1. MikeS

        Whether or not the chief will do this remains unclear.

        Ha-ha. Yeah, well, I bet I can make a pretty accurate guess as to whether he will or not.

    2. Tres Cool

      “It is alleged that (the officers) were part of the burglary task force..”
      And they do a home invasion. That’s just too rich.

      1. Rhywun

        Richly predictable.

        1. Tres Cool

          And a paid vacation!

    3. Scruffy Nerfherder

      Nobody expects the New Professionals

  23. Tres Cool

    Since I was quite clearly 1st (and it counts with a Seinfeld reference), and someone pointed out that I neglected to play a (double dose) of that mother fkin’ theme music !

  24. Don Escaped Texas

    did we settle the How Rome Really Worked debate?

    this won’t help at all

    1. I don’t get it.

    2. Spudalicious

      I larfed.

    3. Rhywun

      she/her

      I guessed right!

    4. Heroic Mulatto

      I have to throw in with Harris here.

    5. Don Escaped Texas

      appropos of nothing other than the generic American Chopper theme, here’s a great example of what I call 3D humor

    6. Drake

      The kid is right.

  25. Count Potato

    “We live in a dystopic speculative fictionnovel about the dangers of an entertainment-obsessed culture erasing the line between reality television and reality.”

    https://twitter.com/ezraklein/status/1050451712954290176

    If Trump didn’t meet with Kanye there would be a voxsplainer how it was the most racist thing ever.

    1. Don Escaped Texas

      the original was funnier

    2. Scruffy Nerfherder

      Vox – That uppity nephew at Thanksgiving that you want to smack around

    3. Akira

      Yea, it’s all Drumph’s fault… It’s not like Obama was farting around on late night talk shows or anything.

  26. Don Escaped Texas

    Last week I was laughing off the idea that Tejanos survive in any meaningful way. This week week, TxMo derps up an easy story. The Texas Rangers were the best example of an authoritarian police state with toothless bozos as judge, jury, and executioner, but

    this has to be the most strained attempt to shoehorn a bunch of derp into how we remember it

    Instead of a Dairy Queen vignette that explains nothing, why not cut to the facts and just tell the fucking story?

    1. C. Anacreon

      A bigger outrage at Dairy Queen is that they no longer have butterscotch, like to make a butterscotch milkshake. They said they switched to ‘more modern’ flavors. Those jerks!!

      1. Heroic Mulatto

        Who the hell likes butterscotch?

        1. Mad Scientist

          Grandmothers.

          1. C. Anacreon

            You don’t like Scotch Whiskey?
            The flavor butterscotch derives from the flavor of hot buttered scotch, just like hot buttered rum. Delicious! And truly the best milkshake flavor (especially if you float chopped nuts on the top).

          2. Don Escaped Texas

            I prefer my nuts crushed

          3. Spudalicious

            Euphemism.

          4. Jarflax

            Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard (where she chops off their nuts and floats them)?

            ALERT: THIS IS NOT DRILL! SF containment breech level 4 reported!

          5. Heroic Mulatto

            Listen, if I wanted to taste something with the flavor and consistency of semen, I’d suck a dick.

            And chocolate is the only moral milkshake flavor.

          6. AlmightyJB

            Cum taste like butterscotch? The things I learn here.

          7. I guess that’s what HM is saying.

          8. Rhywun

            If by “chocolate”, you mean “strawberry”.

          9. Sean

            Chocolate malt, yo.

          10. Tres Cool

            Sean is wise.
            Malted or GTFO.

          11. Heroic Mulatto

            Hell yeah brother, cheers from Iraq

        2. The more appropriate question would be who doesn’t?

          1. Heroic Mulatto

            Gross, dude.

            Gross.

          2. Jarflax

            UCS stays true to his guiding star.

          3. Don Escaped Texas

            I have to throw in with UCS on this one

        3. Spudalicious

          SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH!!!

        4. Rhywun

          Weird people.

        5. Don Escaped Texas

          adding a new column to my Glib matrix

          1. Jarflax

            Deepdish butterscotch pizza with pineapple and IPA toppings!

          2. Jarflax

            to compile my entry:

            Deepdish: sure why not
            Pineapple: no
            Butterscotch: meh, in fact it’s sort of the poster child for meh
            IPA: nope, bitter
            Scotch/Bourbon: yes please
            DD/Proportional: proportional
            Thicc/more slender: yes please

          3. Don Escaped Texas

            Butterscotch: meh, in fact it’s sort of the poster child for meh

            That’s excellent. I was expecting “Butterscotch: the Nick Gillespie of flavors”

        6. Tres Cool

          Werther’s

        7. Mustang

          That was my favorite as a kid. Fight me.

      2. Like margarinescotch?

    2. Timeloose

      She acts like Johnny Canales never existed and was watched weekly by a polka loving yankee.

    3. Tres Cool

      “…an assistant professor of American Studies at BROWN University…”

      Heh heh.

  27. Count Potato

    “Are 68,000 people a day ‘trafficked right in front of our eyes’? Nope.”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/10/11/are-people-day-trafficked-right-front-our-eyes-nope/

    1. Heroic Mulatto

      Donut Operator hardest hit.

    2. AlmightyJB

      I better get busy then.

  28. Spudalicious

    The gift that keeps on giving.

    “Would be nice to definitively rule out that the Saudis are paying the president massive bribes in exchange for tacit approval for murdering critics!”

    https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/msnbc-star-chris-hayes-floats-conspiracy-theory-that-saudis-pay-trump-massive-bribes

      1. Suthenboy

        It’s projection all the time with those people.

  29. pan fried wylie

    From earlier subthread about Hyperion’s monitors:

    It’s fantastic compared to the 27″ 1080 TN panel I was using.

    I got a rotatable IPS panel a couple xmases back, for pinball. only 1080, but the image quality was so much better it unintentionally replaced my 4k TN panel. Dell makes some quality, affordable panels. My first LED-based panel was also a Dell, purchased c.2010 and still my 2nd best screen in terms of image quality, all 22″ of it.

    1. Hyperion

      I never want to see another TN panel.

      I saw the new ASUS 27″ 4K 144hz HDR monitors when I bought mine. I mean I didn’t see it, they were all in the box still. But at $2000, I’ll pass without seeing it. For that price, it had better make me coffee in the morning, serve beer in the afternoon, and crank out real life hookers with blow to snort off their hineys. Seriously, are they fucking nuts?

      1. Shit, I don’t think I’ve paid more than $300 for a monitor. My eyes can’t tell the difference.

        1. Hyperion

          I can tell the difference, but $2000 of difference does not exist in a 27″ screen.

          1. Scruffy Nerfherder

            I heard it goes to 11 and has a built in Fleshlight

  30. Count Potato

    “Many of these pages that Facebook just shut down are libertarian/left leaning and are about exposing police brutality or advocating drug legalization. We warned you that the purge would ultimately ensnare everyone and it’s happening.”

    https://twitter.com/PrisonPlanet/status/1050514392733896704

    1. Mad Scientist

      End goal: All Kardashians All The Time

    2. There are still people who use Facebook?

      1. Hyperion

        Unless you are craving stupidity, I don’t get it. I can talk to anyone I want to or share pictures, video, whatever, on a chat program on my phone. If someone is not on my list, it’s probably because I don’t want to talk to them or even care if they exist.

    3. Heroic Mulatto

      Thank you, thank you, thank you to that thread for alerting me that there are people still freaking out about ebola and immigration.

      This a is secular winter holiday party gift come early!

      1. Jarflax

        Hey, easily 2 or 3 people with ebola have entered the United States! Any day now the disease that requires jungle conditions is going to massively break out in the temperate zone!

        1. Hyperion

          WHO has to have a reason to exist. Why does no one around here care about bureaucrats?

    4. Stinky Wizzleteats

      That’s actually true-if your political thought is outside of the mainstream over there your days are numbered.

  31. Spudalicious

    “80% of the tax breaks went to white people.”

    I am wallowing in my white priviledge.

    1. I don’t make $15. If they really want that as a “living wage”, nobody making under it should be paying one cent in tax.

      1. Hyperion

        It’s likely that no one making under $15 an hour is paying any income tax. I mean a single person might be, but I doubt a couple with children would be paying any net taxes on 30k a year.

    2. Suthenboy

      Believe us and not your lying paycheck.

  32. AlmightyJB

    For you gun nuts.

    https://youtu.be/Nn7Ofkm1bAE

    1. Florida Man

      There was something similar at SHOT show. Demo ranch did a segment on it.

      1. AlmightyJB

        Very cool design. If the reviews are good, I’m going to have to own one.

    2. Mad Scientist

      Oooo, I want one of those.

    3. I do not get warm and fuzzies from the position of that cross pin holding the sights on.

      1. AlmightyJB

        There’s no flip though.

        1. I’m worried about negligent discharge and lost fingers. Operating it requires violating a prime safety rule. Since the hammer is part of that component, it can still discharge until the top rail is removed.

          1. AlmightyJB

            Look at what you have to do to take the slide off a .45. You can’t get around a chamber check.

          2. Jarflax

            I had the same thought watching them break it down at first, but the barrel is actually low enough that I think you can remove that pin from the top without your hand crossing the muzzle.

      1. AlmightyJB

        Yeah, I’ve seen Yankee Marshall review that. That’s in his EDC rotation. Very cool design.

      2. Scruffy Nerfherder

        Neat

    4. Don Escaped Texas

      Intriguing, but I’m not sure about some of the explanations

      Sights being locked inline with the barrel: it just looks like a different kind of lock-up slop, not an elimination of slop

      Hammer: they work so hard to get the recoil in line with the top of the grip, but then they eliminate the striker which would have been inline for a hammer; at least the hammer fights muzzle jump

      Gas vent: we can’t see all the details and I’m not researching this, but the conspicuous parts of the venting would seem to exacerbate muzzle jump (it’s not as if the direction of the vent is all that matters: the internal changes in direction (momentum) still matter and have reaction vectors)

      But it’s smart and creative: watch and see if the Gen2 or whatever isn’t pretty sweet.

    5. Sean

      It’s a solid maybe.

    6. Scruffy Nerfherder

      I’ll take a Glock instead if I’m going with a hammerless semi.

      1. AlmightyJB

        I already own 3 Glocks.

    7. Not Adahn

      some day when I’m bored, I’ll dig through the couch for some change and pick up one of these:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nc-VGgg6Ec

      1. Oh, that Canukistani brewhouse you recommended? Their front page advert when I went to the site was for ImPeachMent Ale.

        1. Not Adahn

          I imagine there’s even less MAGA-love in Ottawa than in DC. But then again, it’s hard to take a Canadian’s political opinion seriously.

          (present muppet company excepted)

    8. Drake

      I want this. And more importantly, I want to be able to shoot like that.

      https://youtu.be/KkNux5x4Dow

  33. Count Potato

    “Church needs new holy water after naked man on meth takes a dip, N.D. cops say

    A North Dakota church’s holy water fountain needs a $500 deep clean — not to mention new holy water — after what happened during Mass on Tuesday, the priest told police.

    Spirit of Life Church in Mandan was holding its 9 a.m. service when 21-year-old Zachary Burdick walked in and started to strip, according to a police affidavit obtained by the Smoking Gun.

    Witnesses at the church said that once Burdick was naked, he began walking down the aisle toward the altar as he masturbated, the affidavit said.

    But before Burdick even walked into the sanctuary, a witness said Burdick started to “splash around” in a holy water fountain, the affidavit said. The priest said Burdick “dipped his rear end” into the water, according to police.

    Now the fountain will have to be drained, cleaned and sanitized, the priest said.

    Lori Flaten, a police spokesperson, said that earlier in the day Burdick had tried to bless parishioners at the Roman Catholic church with the Book of Mormon, but was told to leave, KFYR reports.

    Burdick was arrested on charges of criminal mischief, indecent exposure and ingestion of a controlled substance other than marijuana, the affidavit said.”

    https://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article219831000.html

    1. AlmightyJB

      Now it’s extra holy.

      1. Rhywun

        Burdick “dipped his rear end” into the water

        I look forward to Gad’s article explaining this particular ritual.

    2. Stinky Wizzleteats

      O ye of little faith, if it really is holy water then God will sanitize it.

      1. ElspethFlashman

        Agreed.

    3. straffinrun

      “he began walking down the aisle toward the altar as he masturbated”

      Old lady start playing the wedding march? I would have.

      1. Tres Cool

        Pomp & Circumstance

    4. westernsloper

      Burdick had tried to bless parishioners at the Roman Catholic church with the Book of Mormon

      Everybody knows that to bless people when on meth it must be done with a Hustler magazine.

  34. Count Potato

    “As your next County Executive, I will be your champion for moving all of our communities, villages, farms and businesses forward with innovative, transparent, proactive, and sensible leadership that remains rooted in the values and quality of life we cherish. And changing the rules as I go along.”

    https://votecalvinball.com/

    1. Raven Nation

      “Other kids’ games are all such a bore!
      They’ve gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!
      Calvinball is better by far!
      It’s never the same! It’s always bizarre!
      You don’t need a team or a referee!
      You know that it’s great, ’cause it’s named after me!”

    2. Tres Cool

      I had to stop @ #BallForAll

  35. Count Potato

    “White Feminism Isn’t the Problem (But You Might Be if You Think So)

    Intersectional politics can’t empower women if it demonizes them based on their race”

    https://www.tabletmag.com/scroll/272318/white-feminism-isnt-the-problem-but-you-might-be-if-you-think-so

    1. Rhywun

      Pass.

    2. straffinrun

      An ideology that singles out one group of women for special abuse and scapegoating based on their race or religion may be many things but calling it ‘feminist’ is a bit much.

      An ideology that is based on singling out one group for abuse shouldn’t single out a subgroup of that group for abuse? I got headache now, so no sex for you.

      1. commodious spittoon

        It’s like these old white biddies don’t even intersectionality, bro. The progressive stack is a stack for a reason: someone has to hold up the bottom.

  36. AlmightyJB

    Speaking of gun safety. Quick response by range employee though. Obviously watching them.

    https://www.nbc4i.com/news/u-s-world/video-selfie-at-gun-range-earns-lifetime-ban/1516534700

    1. Spudalicious

      Dumbasses. His buddy almost became a Darwin Award winner.

  37. commodious spittoon

    1. Nikki Haley resigns, distancing herself from any coming Trump scandals or the inevitable economic downturn
    2. Trump chooses not to run in 2020, despite solid support from his base; endorses Haley
    3. Haley marshals bipartisan support against whichever crone the Dems put up
    4. President Haley preserves Trump’s legacy

    1. Rufus the Monocled

      That’s some smart thinking. But are they that smart?

      1. Mustang

        No.

    2. Mustang

      Comparisons to Eva Von Braun? How would that work if they couldn’t call her Literally Hitler.

    3. Stinky Wizzleteats

      Haley’s an idiot who makes Trump look like Einstein.

      1. AlmightyJB

        Still would.

      2. commodious spittoon

        Maybe. I haven’t followed her closely. But she’s a well-liked idiot, anyway.

        1. Stinky Wizzleteats

          Sure, she’s a minority woman bombhappy unapologetic neocon. Basically an Indian-American John McCain with tits.

      3. straffinrun

        If chemical weapons are used in Syria, we have no choice but to blame Assad. That Haley, right?

      4. Hyperion

        “Haley’s an idiot who makes Trump look like Einstein.”

        ^this^

  38. I hate my neighbors.

    Everyone has a phone, why the hell are you honking from the street for someone to come out of their house?

    1. Dr. Fronkensteen

      How dare you criticize Italian culture.

      1. Stinky Wizzleteats

        *gesticulates wildly*

        Hey, atsa matta for you?!!

      2. Sean

        Um…Puerto Ricans has a sad…

        1. Like I can tell youse apart.

          /Mick

    2. Meh, I take my phone to work, where I generally leave it in the truck, other than that If I leave the house I don’t have my phone on me.

      1. Wow, you’re a luddite.

        Even I have my phone on me if I’ve left the house.

  39. Rhywun

    If my cable box reboots itself – in the middle of a recording – one more time, I’m going to throw the fucking thing out a window.

    1. Tres Cool

      Call Karl Hungus ?

      1. ElspethFlashman

        +1 he fixes the cable?

    2. Do it, then smash your TV, you love it, it’s a way of life.

      1. Rhywun

        Flat-screen TV’s probably don’t “smash” but the thought is tempting.

        1. Suthenboy

          Luckiest shot o my life. someone tossed it out in the woods so I set it up, rode my mule about 1000yards back. Using the roll bar as a support while standing on the mule’s seat. Ruger No.1 with 3×9 – 50 Nikon in 7mmREMMag with a 120gr FMJ screaming down range a 3400fps
          Mind you the range was calculated by eye so…..1000 yd, 800yd, 1200yd…whatever.
          From the rest I guestimated the rise licked my finger to check windage and then squeezed off the first shot, very nice crisp trigger. Then two more.
          Driving down to the target I was astonished that all three bullets had punched through more or less in the center and in a 4 inch group. Some days you just have it.
          My wife initially doubted that the gun would shoot that far and even if it could would miss or cause minimal damage. She does not have firm understanding of what firearms are capable of. She does now. She was quite intimidated by that.

          1. Suthenboy

            Ambien is kickin in. The target was a wide screen TV someone had disposed of.

    3. Tres Cool

      Have you given some thought to yelling ?

    4. Sean

      I had a wireless router i took a hammer to. My gf was a little shocked by the sudden violence. I thought it cathartic.
      ???

    5. Suthenboy

      Items in the woods on the downhill side of my house: An old phone, miscellaneous tools that I got for such a deal I couldn’t pass it up, all candles that have come into the house, some sort of makeshift bong? thingy that no one would claim responsibility for after I told the kids never bring dope or dope things into my house, a radio, the worlds most uncomfortable chair, and an equally uncomfortable couch set, A router for my jeep, A table saw that cannot be squared up, a; push mower that doesnt mow. I am sure there are more.

      1. creech

        Cover it with dirt. It will make a great archaelogical dig for some kids in about 200 years.

        1. “What we have here is a rural midden heap. It’s a bunch o’ garbage.”

  40. westernsloper

    Incidentally, her arrest occurred during Domestic Violence Awareness Month,” said Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd.

    What month is tripping hazard and kitchen knife awareness month?

    1. Tres Cool

      Octemburary