ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES.

ZARDOZ WILL PROVIDE THE IMPROVED ADVICE HIS CHOSEN ONES HAVE COME TO EXPECT.  THE BRUTAL DEAR ABBY PROVIDES RIDICULOUS, OVERSIMPLIFIED SOLUTIONS PERPETUATING THE SCOURGE OF BRUTALITY…

DEAR ABBY: My husband has become very overweight, which has caused his sex drive — as well as his health — to suffer. I worry about him constantly, and I miss the intimacy we used to have. He is aware of how I feel and started trying to eat healthier. He also tries to exercise at least a little bit every day.

The problem is he constantly falls off the wagon. Sometimes he says he’s too tired to exercise, or he reverts back to his old habits and ends up eating fast food. He always tries again the next day, but he won’t make much progress at the rate he’s going.

I don’t want to nag him to death, but I do want him around for a long time. What can I say that will make him take this more seriously? — ALL ABOUT HEALTH IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALL ABOUT HEALTH: I FAIL TO SEE THE PROBLEM. THE WAY ZARDOZ SEES IT, THE PENIS IS EVIL, THE PENIS SHOOTS SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE. YOUR BRUTAL HUSBAND’S PREFERENCE FOR OVER PROCESSED, GMO LADEN FOOD IS EXPECTED – AS IT IS THE PLAN ZARDOZ PUT IN MOTION TO CLEANSE THE FILTH OF BRUTALS FROM THE EARTH, AS IT ONCE WAS.

YUMMY FAST FOOD LEADS TO AN INABILITY FOR BRUTAL HUSBANDS TO UTILIZE THE PENIS FOR ITS INTENDED PURPOSE AND ALLOWS BRUTAL HUSBAND TO IGNORE BRUTAL WIFE’S PROPOSITIONS. IT ALSO EASES THE BURDEN ON BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS, AS IT IS EASIER TO CLEANSE THE EARTH OF BRUTALS, WHEN THEIR CARDIO IS SO POOR THEY CANNOT RUN FROM THEIR CLEANSING.

“That last bunch was easy…they could hardly waddle away from us!”

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are both active duty military. We have been married for three years and have an 18-month-old daughter together. My husband is sweet, handsome and a great father. We got married very quickly, and I think that’s where our problems began.

He isn’t good at communication or showing affection, which leaves me feeling lonely. This, on top of being separated several times due to the military, makes for a very shaky marriage. I have cheated on him with eight different people since our wedding. The affair I am most ashamed of was when I was pregnant with our daughter.

I’m currently in counseling, but I’m still unable to curb my cravings. He always forgives me and allows us to continue being married. The problem is, I don’t know if he’s really the one for me. I know cheating is wrong and that I’m not only hurting him, but my daughter as well.

Should we divorce? Or should we continue trying to be together? We have talked about marriage counseling, but we are separated so much it makes it hard to get into a good groove. — IS HE THE ONE FOR ME?

DEAR IS HE: LAST I CHECKED YOU KNEW SEPARATION WAS PART OF YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN THE BRUTAL RECRUITER CONVINCED YOU TO SIGN AN ENLISTMENT CONTRACT. ZARDOZ CANNOT DECIDE WHICH OF YOU HE HATES MORE: YOU FOR REPEATED ATTEMPTS AT THE CREATION OF NEW LIFE AS THE BARRACKS BICYCLE, OR YOUR MISERABLE BRUTAL HUSBAND FOR HIS FAILURE TO CLEANSE THE EARTH OF YOUR PRESENCE. ZARDOZ CANNOT EVEN…

YOU WILL BOTH REPORT AT 0430 WHERE YOU WILL SPEND THE REMAINING DAYS COLLECTING GRAIN FOR THE VORTEX.

FARM HARDER, MAGGOTS!

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.