Trump Interviews 4 Supreme Court Prospects in Rush to Name Replacement

“OK, OK,” Donald said, “Let’s get started.” He waved his guests to the seven chairs lined up in front of the Oval Office desk.

“Brett, you take that first chair, and then Amy, then Raymond–I’m gonna call you Ray-Ray!–, then Ameel…”

“Amul, Mr. President,” Amul said.

“A mule?” Donald asked.

“Amul, sir,” Amul said again.

“OK, OK, sure. You just sit there, Apu,” Donald said. “THERE,” he repeated, pointing at the chair. “CHAIR,” he said, patting the seat of it until Amul moved to sit down.

“Mr. President…” Amul began.

“Please save your questions until the end of the ride,” Donald said.

The four nominees sat on the small chairs, looking uncomfortable and a little frightened.

“OK, OK,” Donald said, slapping his hands together loudly and rubbing them, “Let’s get started.” He pulled MAGA Prime from his suit jacket pocket and put him on Brett before the man could pull away.

“Sir?” Brett said, reaching up to touch the hat.

“No, no, leave it on,” Donald said. He watched the hat intently.

“Hufflepuff,” the hat intoned.

“Oh, my fucking God,” the hair said. “Will you please take this seriously?”

“Hufflepuff?” Donald asked.

“Hufflepuff?” Brett replied.

“Be serious, I need these questions answered,” Donald admonished the hat.

“Sir, are, you, uh, talking to me?” Brett asked.

“I don’t even need to be put on the others,” the hat said solemnly. “They are all Hufflepuff. Totes gay.”

The hair sighed.

“Super, super gay. So gay,” the hat said.

“Brett,” Donald said, ignoring the hat, “What I want to know is: Can I invade Venezuela?”

“Sir?”

“Venezuela, Brett. It’s a country. South of here, I hear. Fulla commies. Big, yuge commies. Can I invade it?”

“Well, sir, as you know The War Powers Act gives the President latitude during military crises.”

“Not the military, Brett. Me. Me. Can I invade Venezuela? Like, do you think I could take them?”

“Mr. President?”

Donald made a loud buzzing noise. “ENH! Too late, Brett. Decisiveness, Brett. That’s what I want in a Supreme Court judge. You should know the answer before the question is even asked.”

The hat chuckled as Donald snatched him off of Brett’s head.

“Here, Amy,” Donald said, handing her the hat. “Put him on.”

“Him, sir?” Amy asked, looking dubiously at the worn and filthy hat.

“It. Whatever. The hat. Put on the hat.”

“I’M ALL MAN!” the hat roared.

“Quiet!” the hair hissed.

Amy perched the hat on her head gingerly. Donald grabbed the bill and pulled it down on her head, crushing her hair. He leaned in toward Amy.

“You put it all the way on, Amy,” he said and took a slow, deep sniff of her neck. His shaking hands strayed toward her breasts, but the hair pinched his ear and Donald turned away before he could cup them.

The hat purred.

Donald spun on his heel when he was a few feet away and pointed at Amy: “Kim Jong-Un… HOT OR NOT?!?”

“Not!” Amy said in a startled voice.

“Disappointing,” Donald said. “Fast, but disappointing.” He held out his hand and Amy gave MAGA Prime back to him.

“Ray-Ray! My man,” Donald said. Raymond took the hat eagerly and put it on.

“I’m ready, Mr. President,” he said.

Donald let his face go very serious and asked, “What do you think about LeBron moving to the Lakers?”

“I think the Lakers are an excellent team,” Raymond said immediately. “And I think LA is a great city…”

Donald leaned forward and narrowed his eyes.

“But,” Raymond said carefully, “LeBron should have gone to the Knicks.”

A wide-smiled broke on Donald’s face.

“GO KNICKS!” Raymond said loudly.

“You’re OK, Ray-Ray. Just great. Tremendous,” Donald said. Raymond took off MAGA Prime and handed him back.

“OK, Habib,” Donald said, “It’s your turn.”

“Amul,” Amul said.

“OK, sure,” Donald said, holding out the hat.

Amul took the hat and looked at it for a moment. The hat growled.

“Shush,” the hair said.

Amul scraped a fingernail over one of the many stains on the hat and looked up at Donald.

Donald said, “I guess you can just hold it.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” Amul replied, a deep frown on his face.

“Detained immigrant children!” Donald yelled.

“The issue is very complex…” Amul began.

“HOT OR NOT?!?!” Donald asked.

“Uh, I, uh, sir, I… Not. Definitely not.”

“Kind of slow there, Alan. Something you want to tell us?” Donald asked.

“Amul, sir.”

“I’m not hearing a denial…” the hat said in a sing-song voice. Amul dropped the hat in shock and stared at it on the floor with growing horror.

“I think I heard…” Amul said.

“Donald!” the hair said.

“I, uh, throw my voice,” Donald said. Amul looked from the hat to Donald and back again.

“I’m really good at it,“ Donald continued. “Great, in fact. The best. I’m the best ventriloquist ever.” He bent awkwardly and picked the hat up off the carpet.

“Hey, hat,” Donald said, perching MAGA Prime on his fist.

“Hey, Donald,” Donald said out of the side of his mouth in a strained, high voice.

“Help him,” the hair whispered to the hat.

“So, uh, how you doing hat?” Donald asked.

The hat said nothing.

“Goddammit,” the hair muttered.

“I’m great, Donald,” Donald said, bouncing the hat up and down. “I love helping you run the country!” He twisted his wrist to make the hat look at the Supreme Court hopefuls.

A very, very long minute passed.

“Make America Great Again!” Donald squawked out of the side of his mouth.

 

Trump narrows Supreme Court short list, top 3 contenders emerge