Snoop Dogg smashes Guinness World Record for Largest Gin and Juice in History

Snoop appeared at the BottleRock Napa Valley festival alongside rapper Warren G to attempt to make a paradise cocktail for the history books. The finished drink measured in at more than 132 gallons.

The giant gin and juice used 38 jugs of orange juice, 154 bottle of apricot brandy and a whopping 180 bottles of gin, according to Guinness. Snoop celebrated his record breaking drink on Instagram with a picture of himself holding the world record certificate.

No, I’m fine, OK? I just got something in my eyes. Stupid allergies.

Trump Pardons Political Prisoner

Beyond President Trump’s prolific dishonesty and extensive use of social media, it’s difficult to forecast what his administration’s enduring legacies may be for the presidency. But it’s becoming ever more likely that his innovative use of the pardon power will be one.

On Thursday, President Trump announced (on Twitter, of course) that he will pardon Dinesh D’Souza, the conservative writer convicted in 2014 of campaign-finance fraud. D’Souza illegally pushed donations to a Senate candidate, asking friends to donate and then reimbursing them, contravening limits on giving.

It’s Trump’s fifth pardon of his short presidency, and the third to go to a conservative cause célèbre, after former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Dick Cheney aide Scooter Libby. Other presidents have used pardons to send political messages, as when Jimmy Carter pardoned Vietnam War draft dodgers or Andrew Johnson pardoned Confederates; or to help out cronies, as when Bill Clinton pardoned financier Marc Rich, a major donor who was on the run from prosecution. Other presidents have also tended to wait until the end of their terms to grant high-profile pardons.

I doubt I’m the first to think it up, but man wouldn’t it be funny if Trump pardoned Hillary? I mean, let’s face it, she’s never going to jail, no matter what she does. She could suck off an underage clone of herself on live TV while giving a screaming DACA teen a knitting needle abortion and Michelle Goldberg and The Atlantic would both have editorials up defending Herself in under an hour. So Trump should pardon her. Give a rambling speech about how her contribution to civic fabric country is too valuable to let her rot in prison. It might just kill the hideous witch on the spot.

You google “lola bunny erotic fan art” and shit gets real, dude.

Why the Alt-Right Thinks Porn is a Jewish Conspiracy

A few months ago, a user on a bodybuilding supplement forum asked if it was weird that he had a childhood crush on Lola Bunny from Space Jam.

“It’s not weird,” someone assured him. In fact, this someone added, there’s “a conspiracy from sinister guys at the top” to pornify popular culture, in order to get young boys so addicted to pornographic images that they develop “bad social skills” and are too weak and distracted to resist the elites in power. “Looks like it worked,” agreed another user, who then pressed ENTER 144 times and posted a gif of a fly rubbing its front legs together, with a hook-nosed, yarmulked Jewish caricature photoshopped on its head.

How did this bodybuilding forum go from Lola Bunny screenshots to anti-Semitic memes in less than 24 hours? Well, it turns out that despite the stereotype that alt-righters spend hours in their parents’ basements watching tentacle hentai, many of them are theoretically anti-porn. More specifically, they believe porn is a Jewish conspiracy to weaken white men and, if all goes according to plan, destroy Western civilization. (Honestly, this isn’t that different from how a lot of mainstream commentators talk about porn — but more on that later.)

There is a heavy dose of Jack D. Ripper in this one, because, seriously, you really should deny them your essence.

Instead of another link, and in honor of Mssr. Dogg’s achievement in the mixological arts, I’d like to share some of the worse mixed drinks I have ever created. There have been a lot of them. I push the boundaries. I take things, on occasion, way too far. I puke pretty easily. Some were due to my age, some were due to hubris.

Age 14

The “Martini”

It was almost New Year’s Eve and the only way I could get liquor was to steal it from my father. Since I didn’t sleep much back then either, I got out of bed when I was staying at his place, fished a few glass screw-top Pepsi bottles out of the kitchen trash, rinsed them and went shopping. The first 16oz bottle was your classic “suicide style” nick, a little from every bottle: scotch, bourbon, vodka, gin, tequila, Benedictine, vermouth (sweet and dry), Frangelico, Gallico, triple sec and whatever else was there. This was gross, but my friends and I were going to mix it with Sprite or something anyway, right?

The next bottle was the real mistake. I had been reading the James Bond books for the first time and I decided to make a batch of martinis for myself. Some old recipe I had found at the public library counseled 1:2 dry vermouth to gin. I got the dusty vermouth bottle out and eyeballed out around 5oz into my other Pepsi bottle. I topped it off the gin bottle in the back–probably Seagram’s–put the cap on and gave it a hearty shake. I stashed both bottles in my dirty tube socks and smuggled them home.

Mike’s parents were out of town for the holiday, and as Tommy and I walked to his house (we all lived on the same street) it had begun to snow. Tommy had a few beers and Mike had a flask of something oily and dark that smelled like kerosene. When I passed my bottles around, Mike and Tommy both gagged at my “martini” so I was left to drink it all by myself, disgusting sip by sip. And it was really bad. I just thought martinis tasted like that and couldn’t understand why anyone would drink one out of anything but the rankest desperation. I didn’t know then, of course, that vermouth should be kept in the fridge after it is opened. I was drinking room temperature cheap gin and rancid vermouth. A pint of it.

Around 4am, Mike and Tommy were passed out and I was feeling so bad. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to sleep in my own damn bed. My house was only two doors away from Mike’s, I just put on my coat and left, still pretty drunk. I passed out in my own front yard, in the snow. I woke up when the sun hit me and I got inside before my mother busted me. I tasted Pine Sol for nearly a week.

 

Age 17

The Tea

2/3 of a pitcher of iced tea

1/3 of a pitcher of vodka

20 No-Doze tablet (the real ephedra kind), crushed

2 5mg valium, crushed

I’m going to blame Derek for this one. Oh, holy shitballs did it taste funky. We ended up shivering on his back porch, chain-smoking and marveling over our exploding hearts.

 

Age 20

The Kandarian Demon

My friend Paul was working as a bartender at a place a little way out of town and there was this huge bunch of guys in there that just kept order Mai Tais. Paul said he must have made over forty Mai Tais that night. He told us his shaker held about two-and-a-half Mai Tais, but he filled it every time and drained off the excess into this plastic bucket under the bar. So Paul came home one night with a literal bucket of Mai Tais. Now, they were pretty weak, so I had the bright idea to add a 1/5 of the only alcoholic substance in the house: cinnamon schnapps.

In some sort of weird alchemical reaction, the schnapps turned the reddish and clear Mai Tais into an opaque liquid that was a bilious pink. It tasted awful. I mean, just amazingly awful. Hard to describe the taste, but the Mai Tai and the schnapps brought you the worse in one another to create a foul flavor that had never existed before and hopefully will never exist again.

Artie, dear sweet Artie, Paul’s brother, took a long drink and croaked “It tastes like death.” We had been watching Evil Dead movies all night, so the garbage juice I had made was dubbed “The Kandarian Demon.”