Your humble servant, Lord Humungus, was able to parse through the history of Earth and found, written by some unknown explorer, the verbal history of STEVE SMITH.  Behold his words and tremble.

STEVE SMITH LIVE LONG TIME BUT NEVER GET TIRED OF RAPE. WAS LONELY AT FIRST. BUT GOT TO MAKE MANY FRIENDS OVER THE YEARS. AND BY MAKE FRIENDS MEAN RAPE.

Hadean: TRAPPED ON PLANET. NO ONE HERE. VERY HOT. FUR GETS BURNED BY LAVA. CAN ONLY RAPE HOLES IN GROUND.  WAIT LONG TIME FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

Archean: NO TREES. NO ANIMALS. NO PLANTS. CAN ONLY RAPE BACTERIA IN SHALLOW WATER. NOT MUCH FUN. NO FRICTION.

Proterozoic: STILL NO ANIMALS. CAN RUB AGAINST SMALL PLANTS. STILL NOT FUN COMPARED TO FLESH.

Paleozoic: FINALLY REASON TO LIVE. TRILOBITES EASY TO CATCH BUT NOT GOOD TO RAPE. FISH MUCH BETTER. SCHOOL OF FISH BEST. COUSIN SEA SMITH NEVER LEAVE BIG WATER. HIM LIKE FISH TOO MUCH.

Mesozoic: REPTILES FAST AND BIG BUT NOT WARM ENOUGH FOR STEVE SMITH. CHASING FUN BUT RAPE IS BETTER.

Jurassic: BIRDS TOO HIGH IN SKY TO GET. FRUSTRATED. DINOSAURS GOOD TO RAPE BUT PUT UP FIGHT. YOU EVER GET STEGOSAURUS PLATE IN CROTCH? IT HURT. MAKE STEVE SMITH MAD. COMET NOT DESTROY DINOSAURS. RAPE DESTROY DINOSAURS.

Cenozoic: FINALLY BEST CREATURES COME ALONG. MANY ANIMALS WITH FUR LIKE STEVE SMITH. WARM TO CUDDLE. GOOD TO RAPE. NEVER RUN OUT OF SMALL TIGHT PREY. HAPPY TIME.

Paleogene: LITTLE MONKEYS THAT LOOK LIKE ME. THEY ARE BEST TO RAPE BUT HAVE TO CLIMB TREES TO GET THEM. HARD WORK. MOSTLY RAPE BIG ANIMALS FOR SPORT.

Neogene: SOME FUNNY MONKEYS NOW RUN LIKE ME. EASY TO CATCH IN WOODS. TOO SLOW. CARRY SHARP STICKS. PUT UP FIGHT. THEY STILL RAPED. BIG FURRY ELEPHANTS GOOD FOR CUDDLING. TIGERS HAVE BIG TEETH. USE AS TOOTHPICKS.

Quaternary: SEEMS LIKE LAST WEEK. MAN ALL GROWN UP. LIVING IN BIG CITIES. HARDER TO CATCH. NOW WAIT FOR HIKERS TO GET BACK WITH NATURE. AND BY BACK MEAN RAPE. AND BY NATURE MEAN STEVE SMITH.