First, let me apologize for being lazy. When I cast the horoscope, I do it on the Sunday of the week, without reference to previous weeks, which means I completely missed that there was a beautiful Mars-Venus-Mercury-Sol alignment last Monday. That would have been the perfect time for breaking up with someone, and I neglected to find it for you in time. Dommage. Take it out of my paycheck.

Good news! MERCURY RETROGRADE is now over. We have normality, repeat: we have normality. Anything you can’t deal with is, therefore, your own problem.

However, because the heavens really like fucking with us, we have Saturn going station retrograde. Now this doesn’t have the normal havoc-wreckage that Mercury does, and it can actually flip Saturn’s leaden influences (see the prediction in the 6th paragraph) but it can also bring out the destructive, cannibalistic aspects of the planet.

Prominent planetary alignment: Sol-Mercury-Mars. Good news for war correspondents, bad news for military planners.

Luna in Cancer = secrets revealed. No indication if this is beneficial or baneful. Uncovering secrets is usually a zero-sum or negative-sum game, so probably not terribly good unless you’re a PI. Or possibly a war correspondent. Hmmm. Maybe we’re going to find a secret stockpile of chemical weapons?

Mars and Saturn retrograde in Aries = bet on fights. Probably not bumfights though. Also, your favorite cabrito place will be particularly good this week.

Jupiter retrograde in Scorpio = misuse of genitals. Also poisonings by crappy rulers. A lot of Syria in the stars this week.

Venus in Taurus = hung like a bull. Keep your Tinder/Grindr accounts active if you’re into that sort of thing.

The sun is transitioning into Taurus this week, so we can look forward to a month conducive to drudgery, hard work, machismo, and hamburgers.

On a personal note, I’ve been thinking about supplementing the astrology with some cartomancy, but to do this for such a specific application I should have a custom Tarot printed. I am having some difficulty deciding who to put on which card. Some Glibs should definitely be in the deck somewhere, but determining where in the Major Arcana to slot them in is difficult. The best solution is to add to the MA (so for example, there will be a card called “The Skier” in there for KK) but I should fill out the existing trumps first. Suggestions are appreciated.

The following cards have good matches already. Trying to talk me out of these will probably have no good effect:

The Fool – Yusuf
The High Priestess – Riven
The Empress – SP (I swear to Bob that nobody should try to dispute this)
The Emperor – OMWC (Kind of riding SP’s coattails with this one)
The Lovers – Sloopy and Banjos
Strength – Warty (go ahead, I dare you)
The Tower – SugarFree (remember, The Tower represents loss, destruction and catastrophe)
Judgment – Swiss Servator (Disagree? I will fite u irl)
The World – Heroic Mulatto

These cards I have tentative matches for, but I’m not sold on them yet:

The Magician – Me (Design your own gorramn Tarot if you want to be in it)
The Heirophant – Pope Jimbo
The Chariot – Doomco
Justice – Mexican Sharpshooter
The Hanged Man – Jesse
Death – The Late P. Brooks
Temperance – UnCiv
The Star – Gilmore
The Moon – Q Continuum

These I really don’t have a clue on:

The Hermit
Wheel of Fortune
The Devil
The Sun

In addition to adding cards, I’m thinking of having some of the cards reversed by default. Rufus would go well on The Sun (reversed) I think.

And of course, this is just the first step. Next, I’ll need to pick artwork. Fortunately, I’ve already found a printer that includes consecrated hosts and infant-blood Purim matzos in the paper so that part’s been taken care of.