“What the fuck is that?” the hair asked. He had slid down Donald’s face to his chest for his afternoon nap. He found the thunderous gurgle of Donald’s cardiac valves very soothing.

“Huh? Wha?” the hat replied thickly. He was languorously humping FDR’s Yalta pen set on the desk.

There was a bump and a crash outside the Oval Office door, and then a woman’s scream.

“Donald! Wake up!” the hair screamed as pulled himself up to his perch.

“Huh? Wha?” Donald said.

“Donald! Goddammit!” the hat said sharply, snapping to alert, his squatchee twitching with alarm. He awkwardly squirmed his way toward them both.

There was a deep pounding on the Oval Office door.

“What’s happening?” the hat squealed.

“Where is the goddamn Secret Service?” the hair demanded.

“I sent them out to get my second lunch,” Donald said, rolling backward in his napping chair.

“UNHAND ME, WOMAN!” came a loud voice and the door frame splintered under another blow.

The door flew open and John Bolton’s mustache burst into the room.

 

…TO BE CONTINUED

“Bring it, Commie!”

De Blasio’s rat-killing demonstration is a complete disaster

Like a scene from “Tom and Jerry,” workers fruitlessly tried to stomp on the agile rodent when it scurried from a hole in which dry ice had been dropped in an effort to control the furry pests.

One worker even swung a shovel at the plucky rat in a comical whack-a-mole routine.

But no one could lay a hand on the tiny animal, which dodged all the would-be rat-slayers at the Bushwick Houses and scampered to safety at a playground on Humboldt Street.

With the media witnessing the debacle, all the mayor could do was deadpan: “We found the right place.”

The demonstration had been meant to highlight de Blasio’s plan to combat vermin at ­NYCHA projects by using the dry ice to suffocate them in their holes instead of using dangerous poisons. The mayor insisted the technique — which involves sealing off burrows where rats enter and exit — will kill off the filthy furballs before they can escape.

Biden/De Blasio 2020

The single most metal thing you will read today.

This Medieval Italian Man Replaced His Amputated Hand With a Weapon

“One possibility is that the limb was amputated for medical reasons; perhaps the forelimb was broken due to an accidental fall or some other means, resulting in an unhealable fracture,” they wrote in their paper.

“Still, given the warrior-specific culture of the Longobard people, a loss due to fighting is also possible.”

On closer examination, the ends of the bone showed evidence of biomechanical pressure – reshaping of both bones to form a callus, and a bone spur on the ulna. These are consistent with the sort of pressure that might have been applied by a prosthesis.

Further evidence on the skeleton supports this hypothesis. The man’s teeth showed extreme wear – a huge loss of enamel, and a bone lesion. He’d worn his teeth so far down on the right side of his mouth that he’d likely opened the pulp cavity, causing a bacterial infection.

What’s that got to do with a prosthesis? He was probably using his teeth to tighten the straps that held it in place.

Secret drug raid by feds backfires in Portland: ‘Someone could have been killed’

Shortly after 9 a.m. on a Saturday in December, two men showed up at the office of a Public Storage warehouse in Southeast Portland and asked about renting space.

On-site manager Shawn Riley led them to an empty unit and unlocked it.

The pair followed him in, then suddenly drew large silver handguns. One of the men pressed his pistol against the manager’s forehead.

The two demanded to know who’d stolen their “stuff’’ — a stash of nearly 500 pounds of marijuana in another unit at the business.

Riley hadn’t taken anything, he told them in a shaky voice.

But who had?

Agents with the Drug Enforcement Administration, it turns out. And the agents deliberately made the confiscation look like a burglary, according to court records.

A DARK OMEN OF THE FUTURE; WE ARE THAT FUTURE!