Ok, I love Amazon.
Like…
Love Love Amazon.
And Amazon never ceases to amaze me with their wide array of products. If Amazon doesn’t have it, odds are good you don’t actually need it.
Today’s product is no exception. I stumbled across the Hutzler 571, and I was blown away by the reviews where people said things like:
Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking.
And…
It finally came!!! I am now, officially, the coolest neighbor on my block!!!
And…
When I first saw this product I was like, how lazy can you be? Apparently pretty lazy because I bought one and have never regretted it. LOL
If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to make a kitchen complete…what one tool you’re missing…search no longer.
This is apparently the device that makes a kitchen complete.
I present to you… The Hutzler 571.
According to Amazon: The easy-to-use Hutzler Banana Slicer provides a quick solution to slice a banana uniformly each and every time. Simply press the slicer on a peeled banana and the work is done. Safe, fun and easy for children to use.
Kids just love eating bananas with this as their favorite kitchen tool. The Banana Slicer may also be used as a quick way to add healthy bananas to breakfast cereal or to make uniform slices for a fruit salad or ice cream dessert.
Features:
- Easy to use
- Slices bananas uniformly, each and every time
- Press the slicer on a peeled banana and the work is done
- Safe and fun for kids
- Dishwasher safe
- BPA free
- Banana slicing has never been easier or more fun!
While it seems like the Hutzler 571 meets every need you could possibly have, it wouldn’t be right of me to not tell you about some of its shortcomings.
First, it appears this device makes bananas stop talking, as one customer reported.
Paul empathises, “I had a similar issue with my potatoes when I got my mandolin slicer. To be honest, I kind of relish the silence now. The Yukon Golds were always bullying the russets around. Napoleon complex if you ask me.”
But, Leila believes that’s a perk: “It is better this way, believe me. When bananas talk, they get all these ideas in their stems about equality and fair treatment. Next thing you know, they’re getting the pears involved and from there it’s only a few days until open rebellion. Keep them silent, everyone knows bananas are a bunch of commies.”
If you can put up with your bananas suddenly going silent and the lack of wifi on this device, then the Hutzler 571 is the device that will make your kitchen complete.
Comments
208 responses to “The Hutzler 571… a must for every kitchen.”
What do you do when you end up with anonstandard curve of banana?
Yeah, I don’t that works with a Euro-legal banana.
Cosmetic Surgery?
Does the gentleman dress to the left… and the right?
Awww, like @DiphallicDude on Twitter! (NSFW)
Banana bread!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ1EU7jeSsM
I…uh…I don’t know what to say about the Hutzler.
So I’ll go OT, Legion season 2 starts tomorrrow. That and Rachel Keller is cute AF.
I read the second testimonial as “I finally came!”
I don’t eat many bananas. Now if the made a gizmo that shredded pork with no effort I would be all in.
*ponders new invention
Properly cooked pork shreds with no effort. Clearly the flaw is in your cooking procedure.
Yeah. I gotta go with UCS on this one.
You just set yours on the counter and it shreds itself? Yes, I must be doing it wrong because I have to expel some effort with a couple of forks.
Actually, I did the last one with my hands. Effort expended none the less.
How are you expecting to expend less effort with an overpriced gadget, unless it’s a complete robot chef, which takes all the fun out of cooking.
Not actually recommending you buy these because they aren’t enough of an improvement over using forks to warrant the extra kitchen item according to the BF, BUT Amazon has you covered: Meat Claws – Best Bear Claw Pulled Pork Meat Shredders
BF was also annoyed that I kept flicking them from pointing down to out in front and saying “SHICK SHICK” and then doing the Wolverine swipes.
I don’t know, if I smoked pork fairly often I’d think those would be useful enough to warrant the space.
My brother in law has a side business doing barbecue catering and has a few of those for when he needs to tear up enough pork to feed 50 people.
My brother in law has banned me from using them when I help him out barbecuing for shockingly similar reasons.
Hmm, I think I will make pork this weekend.
I have a set of bear claws. They work much better than forks.
Clearly racist.
You mean lacist.
Nonsense, a banana would make certain their elocution is properly huwhite.
What I would like is a good mandolin. HOWEVER. I have a pathological aversion to blades. Even imagining cutting myself sets me on edge, to the point at which I’m cringing and cradling my hands against my body as if I can ward off phantom cuts by hiding my fingers. I won’t say it’s debilitating, but it is maddening. I keep my kitchen knives dull because I find it less distressing that way. I’m probably more prone to injury using blunted edges than I would be if I kept them sharp, but it’s not a logical thing to begin with.
You are in greater danger from a dull blade, yes. But I do empathize. I have the same reaction to saws. I’m terrified until I finish whatever single cut I need to make, kill the power and unplug it.
I thought mandolins had strings, not blades.
You’re thinking of the Hunting Mandolin, this is an Assault Mandolin.
Get knife gloves. I don’t know if that’s the actual name, but they are basically fine chain mail. They were included as accessories with my mandolin (it is scary).
That… is ingenious. Thank you! The demonstration photos on Amazon are super triggering, though.
Also, “knife gloves” sounds like something the Knifeketeer would wear.
I wear them whenever I use the mandolin because….scary. so, I get it.
Cut resistant gloves. Usually made out of Kevlar or another woven fabric. My wife has a pair for using her rotary cutter (pizza cutter with a razor edge) on fabric.
Mine are actually very fine wires woven into the outer layer of gloves. Fine chain mail really is the best description.
I was reading the wiki entry for cut resistant gloves afterward and saw those. Very interesting.
Dyneema is even better than Kevlar.
/fiber geek
You’re right about the dull knives. You’re more likely to cut yourself because you have to use more force and that makes it prone to slippage. Plus, dull knives don’t cut cleanly, which is terrible when you’re cutting tomatoes or boiled eggs, stuff like that.
I had to learn to respect the mandolin the hard way. I used the guide religiously until one night we had people over grillin’ burgers. I’d had a few and went in to slice some more red onion. I figured, shoot, I’m used to this thing, I won’t cut myself. It’s just a couple slices anyway. It’ll be fine.
Luckily, I took a paper thin slice off my middle knuckle. The onion juice made it sting like hell and I bled like a stuck pig, because it took about 1/8 inch diameter of skin, but the real damage was to my pride. I have since resumed using the guard.
So, it wasn’t a red onion when you started, amirite?
I tagged myself with a mandolin about a decade ago. Now if I need something sliced that I can’t do myself with a knife, it goes into the food processor.
Also cut myself good while slicing onions drunk in college using a dull knife. Lesson learned on several fronts there.
OT: Bill & Ted may have another excellent adventure!!!
Joining the AARP?
I’ll watch it if it’s the original cast and they use dark magick to reanimate George Carlin. Other than that no thanks.
Okay, I need suggestions with two exercise related items.
First I need something to do to work on forearm strength, because the part of my routine that feels like it’s going to ibjure me isn’t any of the current exercises, but moving the bar between the bracket for squats and floor level for deadlifts (and vice versa). It’s only my forearms that feel like they’re going to give out during this.
Second, I’m looking for an alternative to the overhead press because my ceilings are too low.
Forearm as in grip strength? Kettlebell swings are really good for it. Farmer carries are good, too.
As for an alternative to an overhead press…that’s tough. Maybe an incline bench press? The thing is that overhead presses work a bunch of muscles, and getting that same effect would require several exercises, and unfortunately all the ones I can think of involving shoulders and lats and so forth require lifting things over your head.
Brooks nailed it below. Do them seated.
Thanks. Seems obvious in retrospect…
Not really. I prefer standing, too.
Some stuff for forearms.
My dad made me a forearm and wrist exerciser. It is a broom handle cut about a foot long with a hole in the middle (at the center) big enough to thread a rope through it. Thread and knot about 3 ft of rope in the handle then tie a dowel or large bolt at the other end of the rope. Add weight plates to the end with the dowel. Then use both hands to wind and unwind up the rope while standing.
Like this. https://www.kettlebellsusa.com/wrist-roller-free-shipping.html?utm_source=google_shopping&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8NK5pJ-d2gIVgQOGCh3suQmrEAQYCSABEgKXrfD_BwE
1. Pick things up. Pick more things up.
2. Leave your house.
No one has suggested beating off as a forearm exercise?
You have to be careful to do equal reps with both arms though. SFW
Shake weights.
+1 Old Fashioned
Was too busy doing forearm exercises.
the lack of wifi on this device
And you lost me
Ha! I was planning to say the same thing.
Bluetooth is a better option. Better connection and more secure. You don’t want some junk firmware on your Hutzler leading you to have all your IoT devices owned by Russian hackers.
I prefer my banana guillotine. More dramatic.
Obligatory.
The 571? It really took them that many tries to get it right?
trivia: the Hutzler 570 is a turret-mounted flamethrower. Hutzler 569 was a (sadly, rejected) pickle-flavored gumdrop
I have a little plastic orange peeler and I actually use it. I think got for showing up at a Tupperware party. The foreign grad students were fascinated by the sheer silliness of my needing a tool to peel an orange. But it is really handy!
I think my mom got it… yah I can’t type
I think I’m in the camp with the foreigners. I’m trying to figure out how it would work, since once you get the peel started (which can be done with a knife if your nails aren’t up to it) the process just seems to work.
Maybe it’s a different tolerence for getting fruit blood on your hands.
Well, you can make the peel come off like petals, and the other end slides under the peel to get all white part off in one go. So you end up with the orange looking a like a flower and the center almost looks like you’ve done supremes. But, he, it is a way to play with your food. And, your fingers don’t get sticky.
Yeah, that thing kicks ass.
*makes extra stern note to self to steal it from Mom ASAP*
Petals? Flowers!?!?
Turn in your Glib card. The only acceptable Glib “family friendly” way to peel an orange.
Pfft! My orange art is not constrained by your phallocentric desires.
Hey, you were the one talking about getting all bobbity on oranges with your fancy knife.
which can be done with a knife if your nails aren’t up to it
I just bite into the peel a bit.
Monster!
Is it that “stick with a small hook on the end” for lack of a better description? I grew up with one (mom got it for free at a Tupperware party)
*makes note to steal it next time I’m home*
That’s the one!
Second, I’m looking for an alternative to the overhead press because my ceilings are too low.
Do them seated.
Forearm strength- get an engineer’s hammer and do rotations and flexes with it.
Bananas are too carb-heavy.
I wonder if it would work on bratwurst…
Mister Metokur on Kurt Eichenwald. Sublime.
Too much work, I want mine pre-sliced.
I used to use a needle and dental floss to cut the banana in the skin, then open it and the slices fall out. Would blow my nieces’ and nephews’ minds when they were small.
That’s funny. Did you like wave a magic wand over them before you peeled them. Then after you could just point the wand at them to get them to do what you want. You saw what I did to that banana.
I did! I have a battery powered magic wand that when you give it a flick or sorta sharp move, it lights up and makes a “BRRNNNG” noise.
I also use to wave the wand at my classes the day before a test. College students found me much less cool than my nieces and nephews.
Awesome:)
“College students found me much less cool”
What the hell do they know.
Hitachi?
I have a battery powered magic wand…
Speaking of forearm exercises…
If the banana is soft and ripe, you can simply use the needle to cut the banana and leave out the floss.
Penn & Teller have a trick in their book How to play with your food that has you cut a big orange out of its skin and replace it with a small apple. When you put the skin back and leave it for a few hours it looks remarkably whole. You can then peel the skin of the orange and find an apple inside.
I did that at work once and it worked perfectly. In the book P&T tell you that the best thing to do after you pull the apple out is to deny everything. That is exactly what I did and it was great. When my buddy said “Holy fuck! How did that apple get in there?” I denied everything. I told him it was crazy to think that my apple came from inside the orange. When he pointed at the peel, I told him that it was from the orange he brought to my office. I can’t believe how good the psychology worked out. He was more mad about me not admitting it was a trick than anything. And when he tried to tell other people in the office about it, he just sounded extra crazy.
He still gets mad at me to this day when I won’t admit that it was a trick.
Oh, that’s funny!
I took a pic of the trick.
It actually was one of the few magic tricks in that whole book that actually was easy and worked as promised. Like I said, the hook is to deny everything. It really does make your friend crazy.
*bows towards the midwestern pope*
Northern, but yeah.
Upper-Midwestern?
It’s weird. I would call Utah ‘mid-Western’. MInne to me is North Central.
Fucking cold, either way.
Yeah, I hear ya. When people include states like Ohio and Indiana in the Midwest I just can’t.
Some people identify the Great Plains states.
I like that geographical definition better because it seems to be used more accurately.
Stop othering me with you mid-con privilege. I bet your the type to call Texas southwest or Ohio northwest.
Utah midwest? Maybe intermountain west.
Gaslighting for lunch!
You’ve given me a goal.
My dog, someone lit the Web Dominatrix signal!
Too much work, I want mine pre-sliced.
Pssst- that’s what the orfinks are for.
I don’t speak jive.
Wow. When you lose Jazz Shaw on a cop immunity case.
https://hotair.com/archives/2018/04/02/scotus-may-gone-far-granting-police-immunity/
Christ. He does a really good job of pointing out the circular reasoning.
Yep. I was actually wondering, “Jazz wrote it?”
I don’t speak jive.
Or Popeye, I guess.
Well I probably haven’t seen Popeye in damn near 50 years.
I’m not a fan of single use kitchen gadgets. But it appears from the comments you can also use it in the bedroom, so I’m interested.
I don’t think it comes in the fingerling size you’d need. But maybe it’s worth checking Amazon Japan.
Nah, it’s scaleable. And based on the track record in comparison to you, personality is definitely more important.
If by “scalable,” you mean “best stated in millimeters,” well OK, I can see that.
Why don’t you want America to be great again, Webby?
Well Bezos did give us WaPo.
Washington Post (D-Amazon)
Would that make it New York Times ((((D))))?
I thought it was (((Mainstream Media)))?
https://www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/posteverything/wp/2017/12/08/free-speech-absolutists-arent-protecting-democracy-they-may-even-be-endangering-it/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/made-by-history/wp/2018/01/09/why-social-justice-warriors-are-the-true-defenders-of-free-speech-and-open-debate/?utm_term=.b8e3545e8834
https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/posteverything/wp/2017/09/19/libertarians-have-more-in-common-with-the-alt-right-than-they-want-you-to-think/
Zach Weismuller solemnly disagrees (trigger warning, TOS): http://reason.com/reasontv/2017/08/31/what-the-alt-right-gets-wrong
‘Pravda on the Potomac’ was around long before Bezos.
And since he hasn’t changed it I assume that means he approves of it.
That was in reply to your “Bezos did give us WaPo”. Just pointing out that it’s been around for a long time.
Sorry I should have said Bezos is *now* giving us WaPo. I am aware that it predates him by quite some time.
Also the Interstates and the Internet were developed by the MIC and subsidies/ Left-Libertarian hat on
have a battery powered magic wand that when you give it a flick or sorta sharp move, it lights up and makes a “BRRNNNG” noise.
Mmm-hmmmm.
*nods slowly*
Not THAT kind! Like this https://smile.amazon.com/L-U-Wand-With-Sound/dp/B01AX1TSGW/ref=pd_sbs_21_14?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B01AX1TSGW&pd_rd_r=Q7MSP3690W6BZVG3D6TZ&pd_rd_w=iRn6j&pd_rd_wg=hcVTT&psc=1&refRID=Q7MSP3690W6BZVG3D6TZ
Anything can be that kind if you’re brave enough.
Which one is the chicken of the sea again?
The one with the dolphin mixed in with it.
I’d love to try some of that. I’ve heard from Florida Man that manatee is amazing.
Talent.
http://teenrave.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/patricia-banana1.jpg
http://www.demotivationalposters.org/image/demotivational-poster/1005/frustration-girl-banana-frustration-demotivational-poster-1274766925.jpg
Not. Clicking.
Click. It 100% isn’t goatse. Would I lie to you?
No, of *course* not, love of my life.
/snickers
I’ve been consuming Powers Irish Whiskey and so clicked. It’s actually pretty tame.
Possibly the tamest thing he’s ever posted
No risk, no reward.
That was almost a waste of an incognito window.
Damnit. I *do* trust you.
/hovers mouse over HM link
That seems foolish.
It’s actually really amusing.
And, I followed youtube links to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5z7cYSbsFU
I love LSD. Been a big fan of theirs for a long time. Glad to see them get a bunch of recognition in recent years.
Raven, was that you who posted about John Scofield a while back? If so, you might like some of this live album with him and Gov’t Mule. Kind of a jazz / blues / jammy fusion. Here’s a sample. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmXOVyJSsTI
Pass on hipster,,, stuff. I’ll take this version
It’s kind of nice, really.
Like I’m going to trust *you*.
How was the snow today? As bad as forecast?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ301QEoo9Y
I love that song.
http://www.eastasiaforum.org/2018/04/02/a-deepening-dictatorship-promises-a-grim-future-for-china/
I did this before, but since this quote is also a repeat…
You know else was a serious, determined, and competent murderous dictator of a bloody regime based on an immoral political philosophy?
The Glibertarians.com Board of Directors?
Competent?
Serious?
Determined?
was?
Oprah?
Stalin?
Ron Popeil?
Doctor Claw?
Next Time!
The Brain?
Narf.
Troz!
Obama?
I’d like to see the infomercial where they guy can’t cut the banana.
Jacobin mag on the LP
https://www.jacobinmag.com/2016/11/libertarian-party-gary-johnson-ron-paul-president
Shorter: “freedom is slavery”
WTFuck are “democratic rights”?
Anyone….?
The ones that the majority of wolves decide the sheep can have?
General question: there was a Mark Zuckerberg quote today about Tim Cook which struck me as a perfect motto/tagline for the Glibs. Should we put it on the heading part?
“Extremely glib and not at all aligned with the truth”
I thought it was pretty appropriate.
Works for both of ’em.
I just got an alignment, so I’m spot on with the truth.
I think this Zuckerberg quote fits us better “A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa.”
We can pay Big Man Tyrone to say that for us.
Power? Or Flight of the Earls or Long Day’s Journey into Night?
Nothing so erudite.
Something better.
What would Dave Bowman say?
Now I have to listen to the shitty post game show. Get your damn 4 commercial breaks in and get me outta here in a half hour Westwood one!
Seriously, who listens to all this postgame babbling?
So Man City or Man United?
First day at work lasted 12 hours. I hope this isn’t the new norm. Although I had to start at 7:30 to through 4 hours of HR orientation, and then the rest was a whole a lot of introductions and meetings and brainstorming. And my main coworker is a big talker. Fortunately he’s also brilliant so I am at least learning a lot.
I feel kind of guilty because they gave me a fucking nice office just because it was the most available one. It’s bigger than the guy with 10 years of seniority over me. But I also know he got a fat check for referring me, so I might be able to live with myself. 🙂
I hope this isn’t the new norm.
I hope not, too.
Since we’ve been together, OMWC has never had a job that wasn’t *at least* 12 hour days. Even weekends, “vacation days” etc. It never stops.
Plus all the hours he spends sitting in front of schools.
At least the panel van is kitted out with nice amenities though.
The water-bed is nice 70’s chic.
Sculpted carpet half-way up the walls too, I hope.
Though harder to get the evidence out, I reckon.
Trace or source?
They told me the engineers usually start at 9:30, not 7:30, so 10 hours now and then isn’t so bad, especially if I can be close to work.
I think today went long because a few of us ended up having a brainstorming and “getting to know you” session at the end of the day, and then I spent another hour in my office trying to see if my accounts were set up, etc.
“then I spent another hour in my office trying to see if my accounts were set up” You can be honest, you were testing the firewall.
So far, I intend to leave my Glibertarian visits strictly on personal devices, since they tell you right up front they monitor email and computer use whenever they damn well please at work.
In light of that, hard to believe my coworker’s rather colorful and unvarnished opinions expressed over email of what we’re doing wrong.
Brainstorming on blowing stuff up or keeping stuff from blowing up?
Blowing stuff up and figuring out multi uses for some of the support systems we’ll have to install to make it work. It was pretty cool.
Any splosives on MUH ROADZ?
Not that I know of. Had to leave all my ammo behind.
Did meet another big 2nd Amendment fan today. 😀 We were introduced by my talkie coworker who fielded my workplace/cali culture questions early in the process. He assured me I’d fit right in. So far he’s right.
And the hits keep on coming!
It’s interesting why this issue is being pushed so hard. It’s almost like someone might be paying the Fail to ensure that comparisons can be made. After all, it’s not a very great increase in violence.
Tottenham Hotlead.
Well done, well done indeed.
The most Boston story ever.
Suspended without pay, but doesn’t seem to have been fired so far.
I’m guessing the cop grew up in or currently lives in Southie. And if either is right then you nailed it HM.
Interesting leftist critique of Jacobin and Marxism
https://areomagazine.com/2017/07/05/jacobin-is-for-posers/
Justin Raimondo is a neocon now. Okay..
https://americaneveryman.com/2018/01/29/neocon-influence-peddler-justin-raimondo-promoting-erdogan-regime-change-propaganda-like-that-of-israel-and-john-bolton/amp/
We’re all entitled to our alternative facts. 😉
HS I’d say you are up late but… I guess not so much since you are a left coaster now.
Yup. About time for bed though.
I am glad that my assumptions that these guys would start at 7am so they could have more overlap with colleagues in the rest of the US timezones was wrong. I will probably still start at 8 tomorrow, depending on when I wake up. But I will adjust if every work day goes late.
extra early link
Boy, 13, running for governor of Vermont
***
A candidate seeking the Democratic nomination for Vermont governor is facing a unique set of challenges due to one simple factor — he’s only 13.
Ethan Sonneborn, a Bristol eighth grader facing two challengers for the Democratic nomination in the August primary, has made gun control a centerpiece of his campaign since he announced his political ambitions last year.
…
“My generation has been taking an important step in this because we’re the ones were getting shot,” Sonneborn told WPTZ-TV. “This affects us directly and people who say it can’t happen in Vermont, we came this close to it happening in Vermont. It will happen in Vermont if we don’t take action.”
Sonneborn acknowledged gun control laws could be a tough sell amid New England’s hunting culture.
“It’s a culture that I respect,” he told CNN. “But if it’s making the decision between letting my friends have a good time at a firing range and them possibly being involved in a school shooting, I’m choosing legislation to protect them from that school shooting.”
***
The adults behind this ridiculous stunt ought to be ashamed of themselves.
18 year olds shouldn’t be allowed to buy rifles but 13 year olds should be allowed to be elected governors?
It keeps gun control in the headlines, like they need another thing to keep gun control in the headlines.
this is tolerance?
***
A family-owned bridal shop in Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania closed its doors after enduring more than three years of hate mail and death threats.
The W.W. Bridal Boutique shut down on March 31 after a firestorm of controversy erupted over their policy to refuse to serve same-sex weddings.
“It’s been very hard on my family especially with the threats against the children,” co-owner Lisa Boucher said on the Todd Starnes Radio Show. “The hate has been overwhelming.”
“They actually attacked our children – saying they were going to burn our store down. They wanted us to be raped. They wanted our children to be raped. They wanted us to have bullets in our head,” she said.
The trouble started in 2014 when a same-sex couple inquired about wedding attire.
“We told her we were not serving same sex couples due to our religious beliefs,” Ms. Boucher said.
Within a day the local news media got wind of the story and soon local activists tried to pass a non-discrimination ordinance. That effort failed.
Last year another same-sex couple traveled nearly two hours to the tiny boutique – and again – the owners declined to violate their conscience.
Within seconds of the couple leaving the store, Ms. Boucher said they were bombarded with hate mail and telephone calls. And the town is on the verge of attempting to pass another non-discrimination rule.
***
https://www.toddstarnes.com/show/christian-owned-bridal-shop-closes-after-death-threats/
I don’t need it
I don’t need it
https://youtu.be/oB-NnVpvQ78