One was my escapades in the Arctic was clubbing baby seals for kicks. Alas, I found the on-going costs of this natural libertarian activity to be expensive. Renting a dog-sled is way too expensive, plus I don’t feed them so they always end up dying or some shit, driving my expenses higher. I experimented with orphans but I couldn’t get much mileage out of them; plus I didn’t feed them, etc., etc.

Moreover, the price of baseball bats are just too high. I use wood; not that aluminum stuff.

But one feature that could be fun are songs that may offend the perpetually outraged. Songs that, given the state of current cultural affairs, could be up for censorship.

Let me begin with an obvious one.

Lola. We should all be so lucky it hasn’t been singled out…yet.

If Lou Reed is a target, then nothing is literally safe anymore. Nuffin.

All I know is, thank God we still have him.

The Kinks? Not so much:

Lola 2018.

“Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls
It’s a mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world
Except for Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola”

What a bunch of uneducated, cis-normative toxic men they are! Science has proven gender is fluid and a social construct. Can we update these lyrics already?

And if you think that’s it….

Me singer, she meat.

I bring you the songs and lyrics of Faces (Small Faces/Rod Stewart – whatever they’re called. Let’s just call them The Ronnie Lane Band) and The Rolling Stones. I mean, come on!

“In the morning
Don’t say you love me
‘Cause I’ll only kick you out of the door
I know your name is Rita
‘Cause your perfume smelling sweeter
Since when I saw you down on the floor
Guitar
Won’t need to much persuading
I don’t mean to sound degrading
But with a face like that
You got nothing to laugh about”

/jaw drops.  That’s cold.

There are no safe spaces big enough for the snowflakes.

“She said, my breasts, they will always be open
Baby, you can rest your weary head right on me
And there will always be a space in my parking lot
When you need a little coke and sympathy
Yeah we all need someone we can dream on
And if you want it baby, you can dream on me
Yeah, we all need someone we can cream on
Yeah and if you want to, you can cream on me“

This is why we need strict sexual speech control.

*Int. Night. Rufus’s Pontiac Chevette (draped in Iron Maiden’s Piece of Mind). Teases mullet, fiddles with radio searching for curling scores, tosses bottle of hootch out of the window, inserts ‘Let it bleed‘ with wide grin. Winks and turns to girl with tongue sticking out.*

Onto Australia, who really have the art of sexual innuendo perfected:

“I’ve got big balls
I’ve got big balls
They’re such big balls
And they’re fancy big balls
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls
But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all”

Tremendous.

Bon Scott.

Hoo-kay.

 

 

And how about ‘Girl Watcher‘ by The O’Kaysions?

I mean for fuck sakes:

He’s a girl watcher.

“I’m a girl watcher, I’m a girl watcher
Watchin’ girls go by, hey, my my
I’m a girl watcher, I’m a girl watcher
Here comes one now”

Here comes one now? Are we not more progressive than this? Way to go objectifying women, jerks.

Meeeow! In Welsh.

I know what you’re thinking. When it comes to outright offensive music, the Welsh immediately enter your mind. I know it does for me.

“What’s new pussycat whoa
What’s new pussycat whoa oh
Pussycat, pussycat, I’ve got flowers
And lots of hours to spend time with you
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose”

Other than this is a song made for Pepe Le Pew (Teep toe, to thee weendow…), I’d say this is pretty bad given our current elevated and enlightened cultural discourse, no?

Let’s continue since I’m on a roll.

Under a boardwalk USA

“Oh when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof
And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire proof
Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
(Under the boardwalk) out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) we’ll be havin’ some fun
(Under the boardwalk) people walking above
(Under the boardwalk) we’ll be falling in love”

Sounds like rape culture to me. Do people know what happens under the boardwalk? Hint: THEY’RE WORKING.

Fun fact with Rufus: The mayor of Wildwood was a client of my father’s tailoring service in the 1970s and 1980s. When we visited one summer, he gave us a personal tour of Wildwood (it was just like Venice, I swear) and regaled us with stories of the real “fun and games” under the boardwalk. Hint: It wasn’t always fun and games.

Thus we arrive at the other feature for Glibs called ‘Spotlight on Bios”.

For this, let’s head to Canada.

One Nicholas Matte from the University of Toronto:

“Nicholas Matte is a politically-conscious interdisciplinary historian who curates the Sexual Representation Collection and teaches in the Sexual Diversity Studies program. In his classrooms, Dr. Matte builds learning environments that foster creative thinking and he encourages students to grapple with new and difficult ideas, particularly those they find most interesting and relevant to their interests, lives, and goals. As a historian who works with living memory and marginalized communities, Matte connects historical contexts and efforts with present-day experiences through oral histories and other interactive and engaging interdisciplinary methods.”

If you want to see this paragon of intellectualism; a deluge of scholarly magnificence, soak in his passive-aggressive interaction with the ‘infamously controversially obscure’ Jordan Peterson.

You are a cunt, Matte.

That’s it for now.

Be safe.