Wessen Bein Muss Ich Bücken?

Even though I don’t particularly care for this style, perhaps there should be more to this series than what I like.  So recently, I came across this:

Hold up, I have a pair of Under Armour leggings I used to wear when I ran outside in Colorado, let me see if they still fit.

*squeezes into tight pants*

No. You GTFO.

Then this happened.

That’s not a knife, this is a knife!

Then things predictably got out of hand.

*orders knife* 

This is my review of Wessterhuffenphasterphallenhoffeersheissen’s Hefeweissbier.

HT:  DEG, MikeS, Q Continuum  and Hayeksplovises

M’am

Hefeweiss is the predominant German style wheat beer.  There are other varieties of course, depending on the region, but for most of us this is the one that comes to mind when the term, “German wheat beer” comes up in conversation.  People like this, apparently.  I am not one of those people.  Why?

It tastes like banana.  I don’t like bananas.  The semi-sugary taste, the texture, the fact that none of my kids can open the damn things and will go through a bunch of them in a day.  This sentiment was developed well before the CHM 235 Organic Chemistry course taught by what I later found out to be a really awesome professor.  Think (((special forces))) awesome, but wouldn’t give anyone a definitive answer. For the lab part of this course, my lab partner and I were given several bananas.  The project was to extract and isolate an organic compound called an ester from the fruit.

Most of it involved smashing up bananas into a paste, then putting the paste into a press.  Then squeezing the liquid out of the paste.  Then vaporizing the liquid multiple times through a distillation column, to extract a weapons grade distillate of Isoamyl Acetate–or Banana Oil in English.  It went fine until my lab partner managed to spill the vial on me.  The grad student in charge of the lab saw the whole thing so I didn’t lose any points for failing a simple distillation.  Not that there was no other way I could prove it was spilled on me.   The bad part was when I went to work immediately after the lab.  At the time I worked the sporting goods counter at the local Wal-Mart.  The clientele was the predictable group of rednecks.

  • “Hey kid, why do you smell like a monkey?”
  • “Mother of Christ.”
  • “Can you write that that mountain lion tag for yesterday?”
  • “I’m not gay or anything, but you smell really nice.”
  • “We fielded a few complaints.  Were going to go ahead and pay your remaining hours for the day. Go home.”

Predictably, this tastes like every Top.Men-compliant hefeweizen out of Germany:  banana with a twist of lemon.  If you’re into that, have at it. Wessterhuffenphasterphallenhoffeersheissen’s Hefeweissbier 2.0/5

Not to be outdone, others have tried to take this style to new and interesting places. Only one on this list was available in my area:

If you are looking for a traditional Top.Men approved ale, keep looking.  It has significantly less body and you’ll probably say they over hopped it and should apologize to the German people for such an atrocity.  For me, it doesn’t taste so much like banana, so it’s not so bad.  Lagunitas Little Sumpin Ale. 2.2/5

Comments

299 responses to “Wessen Bein Muss Ich Bücken?”

  1. PieInTheSKy

    I don’t like heat beer which is unfortunate cause I travel to Munich often for the company I work for and they love their wheat beer there.

    1. PieInTheSKy

      Off course, I can drink it, which is not something I can say of radler. First time I went got a radler by accident threw it away. Got means there was a beer vending machine in the hallway of thee hotel stayed in. Put in a 2 euro coin got a beer.

      1. DEG

        I stopped in this place for breakfast and they hadn’t tapped the Kölsch kegs yet. No beer with breakfast, so I had to get a Radler. Yuck.

      2. Rhywun

        I love a Radler. Very refreshing.

        1. PieInTheSKy

          gaaaay

          1. Rhywun

            I drink it in assless chaps and with my pinky out.

          2. l0b0t

            That reminds me, there was once a wonderful neighborhood lad’s bar in the Marigny called The Coppertop. It was Western dive-bar, sawdust and peanut shells on the floor, amazing jukebox; agreat place to sip one of their many fine whiskeys and listen to some shit-kickin’ music, On weekends and holidays however, that place was packed with the most extravagant, flamboyant, cowboy caricatures you could imagine. Oh, the fancy chaps… oh Lordy, the fellows with the rodeo clown fetish.

          3. Nephilium

            Huh… I’m generally drinking this in bike shorts, so… close?

    2. DEG

      There is more beer in Munich than wheat beer. Dunkel, Helles, Bock, Oktoberfestbier. I recommend stopping by this place. I’d link their web page but they have annoying auto-play music. The food is good and you can get Augustiner beer, which is the locals’ favorite.

      1. PieInTheSKy

        I know i usually have just helles. Also my company rarely allows business travel during oktoberfest so I never went. My favourite beer fron the region is made by a brewery called Camba.

        1. DEG

          These guys?

          When I’m in Munich for Oktoberfest this year, I’ll see if I can find their stuff.

          1. PieInTheSKy

            yeah though I never visited the actual brewery. When in Munich I go to a beer bar called Munich Tap House. Huge selection

          2. DEG

            Hier?

            I see they are close to where I will stay when I go back for Oktoberfest. 🙂

          3. PieInTheSKy

            yup. their chili is not fabulous though. didn’t have any other food there . but the beer is great

          4. PieInTheSKy

            to qualify that last comment I have not had American chili so I probably am in n o position to judge what good chili should taste like

          5. Lachowsky

            There is no such thing as American chili. There are a million ways to make it and you can find people all over the country making it in each of those ways.

            Also, fuck anybody who puts beans in chili. You’re wasting valuable space.

          6. Rhywun

            fuck anybody who puts beans in chili anything

            FTFY

          7. PieInTheSKy

            I assumed in the US Texas people are the authority on chili

          8. Lachowsky

            Texans claim authority on a lot of things. That don’t make it so.

            In all seriousness though. Texas is a large state with a health culinary tradition and a huge population. They get a lot of attention because their market is huge.

          9. DEG

            Well, I have another place to stop in when I’m back in Munich. Thanks!

          10. There’s something in the midwest that that the benighted flatlanders refer to as “chili”, however, it’s actually just a cinnamon-y meat sauce on top of spaghetti. This is, of course, not chili in any sense of the word, but it would be cruel to disabuse them after so many years. Like telling a 50-year-old with developmental disabilities that there’s no Santa Claus.

          11. PieInTheSKy

            I also dislike beans Les than when I was a kid I surprised when first saw people order beans voluntarily in a restaurant

          12. According to a Texan, real chili has no beans. Strictly speaking, chili is made with beef and a sauce based on rehydrated chili peppers of various kinds. It was originally something cowboys would eat on a cattle drive, and all the ingredients were dried or otherwise preserved, cheap stuff that would last on the trail. More sophisticated versions might have fresh peppers, onions, maybe cilantro, but no tomatoes and no beans. You see some flex on the tomato issue, but never, never, never beans.

            Pretty much everywhere else, if you order chili you’re getting kidney beans with tomatoes, bell peppers, ground beef, and onions. Basically a mildly-to-very spicy tomato-based meat sauce. I expect the beans were included as a cheap substitute for some of the meat. Then there’s “white chili” which doesn’t have tomatoes, usually has turkey or chicken, and uses like navy beans or other light-colored beans, onions, maybe tomatillos, and cilantro.

      2. Sour Kraut

        DEG, I drank a König Ludwig Dunkel tonight. Sounded sufficiently Bavarian. Thought it was solid. Ever tried?

        1. DEG

          Yes. It’s not bad. Ludwig III’s great grandson runs the brewery.

          1. Sour Kraut

            Nice. So I support Richard Wagner’s music when I drink it.

  2. DOOMco

    Little sumpin made my friend have the worst farts ever.
    It was like death. The beer tastes great though.

    1. mexican sharpshooter

      How certain are you it was the beer?

      1. DOOMco

        8/10?

  3. PieInTheSKy

    Don’t get Lagunitas much in Romania.

    1. A bit of a trip from California or Illinois for it.

      1. PieInTheSKy

        The beer shop i go to has something called anchor and something called anderson valley and somrthing called flying dog a few more as far as US beers go. Also something called Alaskan Smoked Porter but that is like realmy expensive 20 USD per bottle a bit rich for my blood

        1. DEG

          I’ve had beers from Anchor, Anderson Valley, and Flying Dog. They all do good work.

          I haven’t seen Alaskan Brewing beer here in New England, though I saw some in a store in Amsterdam.

          1. PieInTheSKy

            When i opened the Anderson steem bear no steem came out. I was disapointed

          2. PieInTheSKy

            Steam goddamnit

          3. Rhywun

            I think that’s Anchor.

          4. PieInTheSKy

            yeah Anchor steam

        2. Playa Manhattan

          My kids always yell “Daddy, buy the one that has the bear with antlers!!!!”

          The beer companies are advertising to children!!!!!

          1. grrizzly

            Good beer, but it almost always overflows when I open a bottle.

          2. Playa Manhattan

            You should update your avatar.

        3. mikey

          Anchor was one of the few small breweries that survived the Great Consolidation and made it through to the craft brew revolution. For a long time they only sold it in draft around the San Francisco area.
          An Anchor Steam on tap at the Spaghetti Factory in North Beach was my first legal beer

          1. Playa Manhattan

            I remember going to Pyramid when I was at Berkeley.

            Back then, I drank anything, so I don’t remember if it was any good.

      2. Nephilium

        But not that far from Amsterdam.

  4. Bob Boberson

    “Sweet banana like Runts banana candy, complimented by orange zest and more subtle orchard fruits such as red and green apple and pear. The malt backbone correlated with the mouthfeel, being more of a pillowy, doughy sensation than an actual taste, with a dab of that aforementioned honey and vanilla. Upon further drinking, I even notice notes of honeydew melon and green grape. On the back end, the ripe banana/apple/pear/orange sweetness transitions into a light dryness with notes of straw, coriander and clove, giving way to a refreshing clean finish.” -Some douche on Beeradvocate

    “Tastes like Banana” -MSS

    Come on MSS…..your reviews need to be more pretentious and flowery like all the supposed experts on hyper-sensitive pallates over at beeradvocate. JK, I actually really appreciate your no BS descriptions

      1. C. Anacreon

        Sweet banana like Runts banana candy

        Oh, those cunning Runts.

    1. mexican sharpshooter

      Why, thank you.

      1. Bob Boberson

        Would you be interested in doing an article on Scotch ale? I like them but notices when I went to Scotland that they really aren’t a thing…..they don’t distinguish any of their ales as uniquely Scottish. I’d be interested to know the history and any recommended brands.

        1. mexican sharpshooter
          1. Bob Boberson

            I don’t know how I missed this one?! Thanks!

  5. Playa Manhattan

    I had a few last night.

    Can confirm farts.

    1. mexican sharpshooter

      Incidentally, so did I. Cannot confirm.

      1. DOOMco

        When I drink em, I’m fine.
        Maybe it’s on an individual basis.

      2. Playa Manhattan

        There was quite a bit of pollo asado involved as well.

  6. DEG

    Danke for the hat tip.

    1. mexican sharpshooter

      Buy that knife! It is awesome!

      1. DEG

        I’ll put it on my list. That looks like a cool knife.

  7. Gustave Lytton

    Damn those screenshots. I thought the site logged me out again and couldn’t figure out why the link to login wasn’t working.

  8. Lachowsky

    About 5 years ago My little brother and I drove to Georgia to meet his twin brother before he shipped out to Iraq.

    We spent a fee days around Ft. Benning and had a good time. One of the nights I bought a 24 pack of yuengling that had 4 bottles each of six different varieties. I remember them being pretty good. I haven’t had any more since then. However that should change soon.

    https://yuengling.prezly.com/yuengling-now-available-in-arkansas

    1. PieInTheSKy

      is US state by state beer availability an issue? I mean is it just not enough customers or regulations at play?

      1. Bob Boberson

        The US has all kinds of archaic state laws involving alcohol, as a consequence beer distribution can vary widely state-to-state.

        1. Don Escaped Texas

          “The US has all kinds of archaic state laws”

          full stop

          1. Akira

            I’d just like to make one final tweak before we send this baby off to the printers:

            “The US has all kinds of archaic state laws”

          2. Hyperion

            I like the one in TN where if you buy a growler of beer, you have to be escorted out the back door. They can still create archaic laws, no matter how many there already are.

        2. Lachowsky

          Arkansas has some stupid alcohol laws on the books. Every other county is dry, amd portions of some counties are dry. No retail alcohol sales after 11pm. No sunday sales. (except for 2 towns in the state) Beer halls have to close by 12am, Bars by 2am. I’m sure there’s more I’m not thinking of right now.

          It’s all so stupid. The laws don’t stop anyone from drinking and actively encourage people in dry areas to drive greater distances (often after drinking) to get alcohol.

          1. Lachowsky

            Also, the Sunday prohibition is particularly counter productive. Everyone knows someone who is sitting on a dozen 30 packs that will sell you one on Sunday for a little mark up. These guys aren’t the most diligent about checking IDs either.

          2. Akira

            I wish the dumbass Sunday liquor laws would be struck down on church-and-state grounds; I can’t think of any secular justification for prohibiting alcohol sales on that one particular day of the week.

            I think it’s one of those things that will never go away, because the first time a drunk driver purchases liquor on Sunday and then kills somebody, politicians are going to run sob story advertisements bemoaning the fact that “my opponent rolled back this common-sense restriction on alcohol sales, and now little Timmy is dead”.

          3. Hyperion

            MD has some counties with no Sunday sales. Baltimore County for example. I used to actually live in a dry county, but it didn’t matter, everyone living there just drove over the county line to the wet county and bought whatever they wanted.

      2. Lachowsky

        I think the only reason this beer wasn’t selling in arkansas yet was that the company is still growing and didn’t have the capacity to sell to all states. I don’t think it had anything to do with regulations.

        1. Gilmore

          Yingling (sp) went from being an exclusive PA beer, to distributing to the neighboring 3-4 states, to now being an ‘everywhere on the east-coast’ thing. regulations were definitely a part of why they staggered/delayed their expansion.

          *oldest continuing operating brewery in america. i think i read that on the bottle.

          1. DEG

            Money was a big deal. See the movie I link below.

            I wish they were an “everywhere on the East Coast” beer. No trips to Massachusetts to get their beer.

          2. Gilmore

            as a new yorker, my conception of “east cost” is basically “georgia to mass”. New England is south-canada.

          3. I feel much the same way, but I’d stop at NYC. I’ve never been to NYC or anywhere northeast, but in my mental geography pretty much everywhere along the coast north of NYC that isn’t Long Island is basically the same place, and they all sound like Matt Damon and talk about chowder and lobsters all day.

          4. Gilmore

            “” they all sound like Matt Damon and talk about chowder and lobsters all day.”

            http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92ibestway.phtml

          5. Lachowsky

            Ok. I was thinking they just didn’t have the capacity to do nationwide and are just now getting it.

          6. Caput Lupinum

            Yuengling is the oldest continuously operating American brewery, as well as the tied for the largest American owned brewery with Boston Beer (the Sam Adams company), and the largest privately owned brewery in America. It’s also one of a handful of good things about Pennsylvania, and the only good thing from Pottsville.

          7. Hyperion

            “Yingling (sp) went from being an exclusive PA beer”

            Yeah, damn those guys for shipping that swill down to MD, we already had our own swill, Natty Bo.

      3. DEG

        Both.

        Some brewers don’t have the capacity to have nationwide distribution if they wanted to do so.

        Regulations play a part too. About ten years or so ago, Allagash, based in Maine, distributed to all US East Coast states, but suddenly dropped New Hampshire (the only state bordering Maine) because they were tired of dealing with the state regulators. Eventually Allagash changed their minds and came back into New Hampshire.

        1. PieInTheSKy

          wait I thought New Hampshire was the libertarian state…

          1. DEG

            “Live Free or Die” is a bit of a joke.

            New Hampshire has some libertarian bona fides. No knife laws. Very few gun laws. Low taxes – though there is an income tax (interest and dividends tax). It’s probably the best place to do business in New England.

            The booze laws are shitty. Legal weed is not on the horizon. Forget gambling except the state lotto. Some parts of the southern end of the state have shitty zoning and property restrictions.

          2. DEG

            Oh, and smoking is prohibited in most bars and all restaurants.

          3. PieInTheSKy

            just like Europe. Only here it is all bars and all restaurants. Although Austria may change that as one of the demands of the “far right”

          4. DEG

            I thought Austria still allowed smoking in bars?

          5. Rhywun

            Although Austria may change that as one of the demands of the “far right”

            Libertarian moment!

      4. Gilmore

        is US state by state beer availability an issue?

        Yes. you can’t distribute alcohol across state lines. this grants alcohol distributors a default monopoly in each state, and also disincentivizes expansion for small brewers who are on the cusp of inter-state growth. many hold off going out of state until they can distribute to 3 or more, because of the added expense/risk/having to deal with various distributor-partners.

        its a shitty holdover from prohibition. it also, in some strange ways, helped enable the whole microbrew fad. if it werent’ for the structural complexities, regional brewers would be far more powerful, instead of the ‘high-low’ – macro/micro divide we have.

      5. Nephilium

        It’s also capacity. A lot of regional brewers run into issues when they try to expand into nearby states too quickly, and can’t keep up with the demand. Then they need to pull out of the markets, which generally leaves old beer sitting on shelves. Hell, there’s some regional breweries in Ohio that are made in Columbus that just started distributing to Cleveland (about a 2 hour drive away/140 miles away).

    2. Bob Boberson

      Also, isn’t Yuengling the cis-shitlord brand beer now because they didn’t join all the other macrobrewers in some ridiculous act of TDS solidarity?

      1. DEG

        Probably. The current owner and head of the family is a Trump supporter.

        1. Bob Boberson

          Yup my vague memory was correct:

          http://www.businessinsider.com/yuengling-donald-trump-boycott-threats-2016-10

          I need to pick up a 12 pack on my way home.

          1. DEG

            I also need to buy some Yuengling. It’s been too long since I bought some.

          2. Gilmore

            their black + tan is one of the best beers you can buy for cheap in many parts of america.

          3. Hyperion

            You can have all of it.

        1. Bob Boberson

          Dang it, should have hit refresh before I posted above. I wish I could personally deliver a can of Yuengling to each and every writer at WaPo. Premium though, I wouldn’t waste good Yuengling on them.

      2. Lachowsky

        I didn’t realize I would be helping finance shitlords. All the better.

      3. Yeah, which sucks, because I really don’t like Yuengling, but now I feel like I can’t say that in mixed company for fear someone who doesn’t know me will be like, “Ugh, I know, right? How could those dumb rednecks have robbed Hillary like that?”

    3. DEG

      YES!

      Fortunately, I no longer have to go back to Pennsylvania to get Yuengling. Unfortunately, their beer is not available in New Hampshire but available in Massachusetts.

      Obligatory Yuengling video.

      1. Hyperion

        I remember when one of my friends took my wife and I to this old people restaurant. I was just sitting there looking around and all I saw was blue hair. So the blue hair server comes over and I asked for a Heineken. She says they don’t have it. So I asked for a Stella Artois and she says they don’t have it. So I asked what they do have. She says they have Yuengling, so I ask what else. Well, we have Yuengling and we have bud lite. And I’m thinking oh for fuck’s sake, where am I?

    4. Lachowsky

      Since it was so long ago, I don’t remember which variety I liked. Which ones are good?

      1. DEG

        Black and Tan, Lager, and Porter are my favorites.

      2. Bob Boberson

        As DEG said, Black and Tan,….regular Yuengers are good too. Yuengling Porter is hard to find but I think it’s solid. Their seasonals (Summer ale, Octoberfest) aren’t bad but aren’t anything to write home about. Lord Chesterfield ale isn’t good. Yuengling Premium is about like Old Mil Premium.

        1. Hyperion

          I’d rate Yuengling as a slight improvement over Budweiser. I had never heard of it before I moved to MD. You can buy it most places for about $15 a case.

          1. Bob Boberson

            “Slight improvement over Budweiser”

            That’s a fair way to categorize it. It’s not great, but it’s better than it’s macro-rice-beer peers. Given that and it’s privately owned, Trump supporter owner I’m proud to call myself a Yuengling drinker even though its far from being a favorite.

          2. DEG

            I disagree on slight improvement. It’s far more than a slight improvement.

            It’s pointless to argue over taste. I’ll just claim all the left over Yuengling for myself.

          3. I don’t know, I think I’d take a Budweiser over a Yuengling. It’s alright, but it just kinda tastes like malt, and not in a good way to me. It tastes like how you’d expect somebody’s first attempt at a brown ale to taste, like if a friend made it you’d drink a few to be supportive but there’s no way you’re paying for it.

  9. Old Man With Candy

    The important question: how did you report yield on your isoamyl acetate extraction?

    I accidentally got over 100% yield on one of my multi-step undergrad O-lab syntheses. The fact that I was a student trustee with a key to the stockroom was just a coincidence.

    1. Don Escaped Texas

      I got in trouble with TnATF twenty years ago because I drank a thousand gallons of ethanol one year.

      Step 1: buy 20,000 gallons ethanol, as one does
      Step 2: use and sell 10,000 gallons in final product before you realize a premix would make the process go faster
      Step 3: then get audited with (only) 9,000 gallons embodied in pre-mix on the books by someone who doesn’t understand polar solvents

    2. mexican sharpshooter

      The few drops we had? 88%. I sucked in the class, but I made up for it with the lab.

    3. Gustave Lytton

      You guys are bananas.

  10. Aus

    Well Glibs… I’m a bit bummed. I wanted to go to the Poppy show tonight, but it’s sold out. Honestly did not expect that, I was planning on buying my ticket at the door.

    Bummer 🙁

    1. Old Man With Candy

      See this morning’s links for an alternative.

    2. Pan Zagloba

      Mug some kid at the door.

      1. Aus

        If by “mug” you mean participate in a voluntary exchange of US federal reserve notes for a barcoded credential that will grant entry to the venue, then yeah – I might just do that.

    3. Lachowsky

      Who’s Poppy?

      1. PieInTheSKy

        don’t get that started

      2. John Titor

        We are all Poppy, we just don’t know it yet.

      3. Hyperion

        I’m Po… oh never mind.

  11. Gilmore

    i honestly thought belle and sebastian were just 2 people

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8HY9vE6JbY

    if they were 4 people, they still ended up being the sort of people i imagined. even down to the “i used to play in a band called “disco shark”-stories, and the pipe-cleaner arms

    1. Rhywun

      Heh yeah, one listen and you can tell. I liked one album which seems to missing from my iTunes for some reason…

  12. Chipping Pioneer

    In Québec City for the weekend. It seems that beer here is categorized by colour :

    – Blanche (those banana – flavoured beers and agree with MS that they are gross)
    – Blonde (golden lagers or ales)
    – Rousse (amber or red ales)
    – Brun (brown ales)
    – Noir (dark ales)

    Outside of these broad categories, there are few other descriptors, so you order by colour. Granted, my knowledge of Québec beer is limited, but that seems to be the pattern.

    1. Gilmore

      thats my favorite (i spelled it ‘favouir’ first, which i suspect was some french ghost manipulating me) sort of beer culture.

    2. DEG

      I forgot about this place. I stopped in there when I was in Quebec City. I recommend it.

  13. A hat tip! My first ever!

    1. mexican sharpshooter

      That can’t be right. I had to HT you before.

    2. hayeksplosives

      Woo-hoo!

      Even my typo is preserved for posterity.

      And I really want a wheat beer.

      1. Bob Boberson

        Who would you bump to get one? 😛

        1. I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.

          1. hayeksplosives

            First you share a harmless wheat beer, then a little bump and grind, then you move to stronger cocktails, and pretty soon things REALLY get out of hand.

            Next thing you know, your boss won’t let you travel with that colleague anymore. Sigh.

      2. mexican sharpshooter

        By the way, those pants still fit.

        1. hayeksplosives

          Sigh. Well, lay in a supply of wheat beer (nah, make it Tanqueray) and text me your coordinates. Let’s get this overwith.

    1. John Titor

      Mike Pence was right about something.

      I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

      1. Rhywun

        A true man ahead of his time.

      2. Pan Zagloba

        Forget Pence – where does that leave MGTOW (MGTOWs? MeGTOW? however you pluralize that acronym)?

      3. hayeksplosives

        As a woman working in a male dominated industry, I can safely say it would SUCK if they start adopting policies to avoid men and women traveling together or sharing a rental car as they mention in that article. I would effectively be squeezed out of most work opportunities.

        And I dread the chilling effect this could have on the fun and camaraderie to which we have grown accustomed.

        1. Playa Manhattan
          1. hayeksplosives

            Oh, great. The silent treatment.

          2. Playa Manhattan

            It wouldn’t let me hotlink a gif

          3. hayeksplosives

            Awesome GIF. Is that Rowan Atkinson?

          4. Playa Manhattan

            Yes. I suspect you’ll see it frequently at corporate training events in the near future.

        2. John Titor

          Don’t worry, I have a solution that I think we’ll all be happy with.

          1. Pan Zagloba

            Doesn’t stop male gaze.

          2. John Titor

            Well that’s why the women are dressed in burkas inside, duh.

        3. Akira

          That’s what sucks about this. Most professional women just want to build a great career for themselves, but a small number of screeching harpies want to implement a bunch of policies that would serve as a disincentive to hire any women at all.

          1. hayeksplosives

            Yeah, I joked about that with the possible future coworker at the place I’m interviewing with next week. I said, “I’d hate to be a woman seeking a job right now. Oh, wait–I am.” He said “No, you are being sought after. That’s different. You have the advantage.”

            I guess that should be reassuring. But it is weird to think that if the offer is good and I take it, I will have to establish myself with a whole new team of people who will wonder if I’m in the chilled out category or harpie category. Hopefully they will figure it out quickly, and the core 4-5 guys there already know me well, so I think it will work out.

    2. Gustave Lytton

      My company’s sexual harassment awareness has a clip art image of a big boobed girl in a tight t-shirt looking purplexed.

      I laugh every time I see it.

      1. It’s the lack of oxygen to the brain that makes her look purple, right? :-p

  14. Yusef drives a Kia

    My Liquor Store Guy just Gifted me this, 14.7% Stout from Goose Island,
    https://photos.app.goo.gl/Zm8aF6sZJgPp44gP2

    1. DEG

      Yummy

      1. Nephilium

        Yes it is. I think I have one older bottle sitting in the cellar.

        1. Yusef drives a Kia

          Is it that good? it looks expensive, but it was free, and I love me some stout

          1. Nephilium

            Let’s put it this way… I have yet to see a year when it’s not on several top 100 lists. And it’s been in both the Ratebeer and BeerAdvocate top 100 every year I’ve looked. It’s currently sitting at 30 at BeerAdvocate. Go at it with a fresh palate with the beer at about cellar temperature.

          2. DEG

            I’ve had other vintages. They are that good.

          3. Yusef drives a Kia

            Awesome! it seems the Beer God has smiled upon me this day

          4. mexican sharpshooter

            It is expensive, and its awesome. I reviewed it a few weeks back. It pours like used 10w30…

    2. l0b0t

      I drank one of those this very morning and it was mighty delicious. So yummy, I returned to the jobber and grabbed 2 more to age and sample at different times.

      1. Yusef drives a Kia

        very good! I’m going to pair it with 50/50 Burgers on the BBQ

    3. I’ll look that up next time I’m out. Currently letting my Hardywood holiday seasonals age a little longer.

  15. Nephilium

    Well, after a shitty work trip, I get home to a broken dryer. No place nearby has the part in stock, so it’s broken until Monday. Meanwhile, in preparation for Sunday, and keeping it beer related, Surly brewing created a welcome guide for the travelers.

    Be ready to experience first-class passive aggression. If someone says your old school Ron Jaworski Eagles jersey is “interesting,” they are not a fan. If someone says, “I’m not mad,” they are, in fact, mad. If you get to a 4-way stop at roughly the same time as another driver(s), your best bet is to just abandon the car, get out, and walk to your destination, as who gets to go first will never be resolved by conventional means.

    1. That’s what clotheslines are for.

      1. Nephilium

        Hovering around the lower 30’s here, with rain and snow predicted over the weekend.

      2. Playa Manhattan

        That’s what HOAs are for.

      3. Gustave Lytton

        Yeah, better a broken dryer than a broken washer.

    2. DEG

      About six or seven years ago I was in Seattle for a job interview. I got some beer and a sandwich for dinner at Pike Brewing before I went back to the airport. The only open seat at the bar was next to a couple of guys going out for a smoke. They asked if I could make sure no one took their seat. I said sure.

      They get back. I get my food. The one guy starts talking to me. He’s from Minnesoda. He’s a bit drunk. He finds out I’m from Pennsylvania and living in New Hampshire. He says, “I don’t mean to start a fight, but people from back East are assholes.”

      One of these things is not like the other.

      1. Maybe, but people back East also master the art of minding our own fuckin’ business at an early age. People who don’t usually don’t make it to puberty.

      2. Heroic Mulatto

        You know what assholes do? They start sentences with “I don’t mean to start a fight, but…”

        1. Tres Cool

          “We dont have many assholes in NH, but the ones we do got? They have haircuts exactly like yours.”

  16. Nephilium

    Oh, and if you want a wheat beer that will have no hints of banana in it, you could always go the Gose route. Low ABV, tart, with a touch of salt, some are fruited.

    /currently drinking a Boysenberry Gose from Troeg’s Scratch series.

    1. DEG

      I like Gose. I second the recommendation though it’s rare that I like the fruited ones.

      1. Nephilium

        I brought back a couple of sours from your neck of the woods on the work trip, both from White Birch Brewing.

        1. DEG

          White Birch makes good stuff. What did you bring back?

          1. Nephilium

            The Raspberry Berliner Weisse and the Watermelon Wheat sour ale.

          2. DEG

            I’ve had their regular Berliner Wiesse, which I liked. I haven’t had the Raspberry.

    2. Hyperion

      I don’t think I’ve even drank a heffe that I thought tasted like bananas. The best one available in the US, in my opinion is Ayinger Brau Weisse. About the only other one I’ve had that good is Frankenmuth Heffewiessen, but as far as I know you can only get it at the brewery.

      1. DEG

        Ayinger makes good beer.

      2. Nephilium

        For widely distributed ones in the US, the Sierra Nevada Kellerweis is damn good. But the yeasts used generally create two esters, one that tastes of bananas, the other of cloves. Depending on how sensitive you are to that compound, the more (or less) you taste of them. I have one friend who hates bananas, and can pick the flavor out of almost every Belgian beer.

    1. Gilmore

      HOLY SHIT its like a weapon from skyrim

      1. Gilmore

        i love the fact that it includes a bottle opener (paint can opener, but whatever, you could always use any edge for that)

        i think it would be a great drinking game to “try and guess all 17 applications”

        1. westernsloper

          Opening 17 beers?

    2. Tres Cool

      fun fact- the cut-out half-circles are for cleaning paint rollers, the hex doodads are for tightening the old-school rollers.

      1. mexican sharpshooter

        Thank you. No seriously, thats good information.

  17. Sour Kraut

    Portion of actual comment over at the NY Times:

    For generations, the FBI has been the law enforcement agency that has kept the government and US citizens safe from enemies foreign and domestic.

    Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.

    1. I see that brave war hero John McCain is furious at Trump for embarrassing that particular law enforcement agency by being the target of its corruption and incompetence. The guy is an absolute lunatic.

      1. C. Anacreon

        You’d think McCain would know all about being embarrassed and be more sympathetic, given he was tossed out there as a known also-ran/chump so no one important would be damaged by losing to Obama. But doesn’t the “Maverick of the Senate” remember how the Dems even said he was ‘literally Hitler’ (same as all GOP Presidential candidates I can recall) when he was in the general election? No, gotta keep placating those people on the other side of the aisle who hate you, right, Senator?

        Good grief he would have been an awful President.

        1. John Titor

          If he had been President during the Arab Spring you’d now have U.S. troops propping up half a dozen failing Islamic ‘democracies’ in the Middle East.

          1. Akira

            half a dozen failing Islamic ‘democracies’ in the Middle East.

            What I’m still trying to figure out is why people think democracy will improve matters in a country where most of the population is perfectly fine with women being raped for walking outside without a ninja outfit, the execution of homosexuals and “apostates”, and straight up genocide against the Jews.

    2. Hyperion

      Interestingly enough, though, about one third of the comments on that article are negative towards the FBI and the Dems. When you lose the NYT…

    3. westernsloper

      That’s nothing. This is from the comment section at The Hill under a story saying perhaps it was revealed to the court that the dossier was political:

      CaptainWagner creekorbrook • 8 hours ago

      If by “Deep State” you mean American leaders trying to prevent Trump from irreparably damaging the nation, then I think the actual word you’re looking for is “patriots”.

      I find it a bit disturbing the number of people who have no problem with secret courts granting surveillance of US citizens over political propaganda. That is scary shit.

  18. westernsloper

    Another beer I have never tried and probably won’t. Thanks for the heads up MS.

    (insert leg humping banana GIF here)

  19. Tres Cool

    Nice review, MS. Earlier, when I was in Kroger, I saw the 10.6 % ABV “malaise in a can” known as Earthquake! and thought about you. I should ship you a couple….would only set me back about $2.25

    However, having watched THE University of Dayton lose in 2x OT to U Mass, I’m knocking back an exquisite Coor’s Light 40 oz, adorned in a paper-sack. Cause class rules @ Chez Tres.

    1. Yusef drives a Kia

      You want class? I bought a Torpedo, the Double below, and 4 25oz Cans of Cobra!
      and got an awesome Stout for free!

    2. mexican sharpshooter

      Please don’t ship that to me.

      1. Hyperion

        You should try this one, it’s good.

        VITUS

        1. mexican sharpshooter

          Noted

          1. Hyperion

            I should have taken a pic of the pour. It’s a very interesting deep golden that is actually almost orange.

      2. Tres Cool

        Go big or go home!

        1. mexican sharpshooter

          Not to spoil it, but tune in next week. ?

          1. Yusef drives a Kia

            You didn’t ? is Cobra involved? Great Malt liquor…

      3. Tres Cool

        You’re safe. Im not sure what HazMat class Earthquake! falls under, anyhow.

    3. Lachowsky

      2 more hours before I leave work. I think 40 of Coors will be perfect for the drive home. Fuck yeah, keep it classy.

      1. Tres Cool

        I kinda miss the proper quart bottles- they had the neck that was easier to grab on to. Or, on the odd chance it had to be used defensively, was easier to swing.

        1. Yusef drives a Kia

          Blasphemy! 40oz or GTFO!
          / in glass

          1. Tres Cool

            For the whole $1.99 Kroger charges, the Millwaukee’s Beast Ice @ 5.9% ABV will get ya turnt quick. The plastic bottle makes a chew toy for slime-hound once its empty, cause after 40 oz of cheap beer things like that seem like a good idea.

  20. Yusef drives a Kia

    How about a double IPA that isn’t Hoppy?, They say it uses a Pilsner malt 8% ABV, Local Brewery
    https://photos.app.goo.gl/lK2uhJg3Yrt4BJ4k2

    1. Hyperion

      I’m not sure about the color and that head, but I’ve never had a not too hoppy IPA, so would def try it.

      1. Yusef drives a Kia

        It’s real mild, but at 8% that’s not always good, it plays like a Pilsn, it’s good

  21. kinnath

    I just finished a nice ginger-lime mead.

    1. Yusef drives a Kia

      Yummy!

    2. DEG

      That sounds interesting.

  22. Hyperion

    I’m surprised that this thread is still going. I expected a Steve Smith post by now. Got my Heineken, so all is good now.

    1. C. Anacreon

      Heineken? PABST BLUE RIBBON!

      (Is that reference too old and obscure for this crowd? Maybe the youngins.)

      1. Yusef drives a Kia

        Lucky Lager? Olympia?

      2. Hyperion

        No, I remember PBR. In fact, I think one of our local stores has it. It was awful way back when, not sure about now. I think the worst beer I’ve ever drank is Black Label, not sure it’s even made now, haven’t seen it since I was a kid.

        1. Lachowsky

          https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1422/32918/

          Actual worst ever. It showed up around here about 7 years ago. It was incredibly cheap. Like 13 bucks a 30 pack. After seeing it a few times, a buddy of mine and I bought a 6 pick. We drove off and both cracked one. I think I took one swallow before the can out the window. My buddy may have tried two swallows. It’s awful. Even the broke raging alcoholics couldn’t stomach it. It went away after a few months.

          1. Hyperion

            With a name like Beer 30 Light and that awful can, I can sort of imagine it.

          2. Hyperion

            Heh, they still do make Black Label and apparently, it’s still awful.

            Black Label

          3. Yusef drives a Kia

            Blech then, Blech now, Blech, FOREVAAHHH!

          4. westernsloper

            Oh ye of refined taste with your delicate pallets. Black Label is horrible but I have stomached barrels of it when I was a ute. Black Label and Scheaffers were the beers of choice for the broke ski bum crowd back in the day around these parts.

          5. Yusef drives a Kia

            Oh Fuck , too many cases of Schaeffers, I forgot that swill

          6. Tres Cool

            Black Label, Hamm’s, Weidemann, Blatz…..all beers that were pilfered from Tres Sr’s “beer fridge” as a teen.

          7. westernsloper

            Black Label makes Scheaffers look good.

          8. Hyperion

            I was talking to a friend who lives in FL a couple of years ago and we got to talking about beer. He was telling me that he’s drinking this beer named Genesee Cream Ale and how great it is. I was like, huh, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that one. I was in a store a couple of weeks later and I had made a habit of looking for it, and there it was, so I grabbed six. I opened one that evening to try and my first thoughts were to either call him up and curse at him or just drive to FL and murder him with a rusty axe.

          9. Hyperion

            When I was young and poor I drank Busch and Hamns mostly. I had a friend who bought Old Milwaukee and the stuff is fucking piss water and I would tell him that. But he would tell me how cheap it was and I would say I don’t care, I’m not drinking that piss water. When I would have a little more money, I would drink Coors and sometimes even a Heineken which I wanted to drink all the time, but couldn’t afford it. I’ve drank enough Heineken since I was in my 20s to float around a full size battleship, lol. And it’s still my fave. I bought a case just now, my wife’s friends are coming up from NOVA, never met them so don’t even know if they drink, but if they do, we have plenty of just about everything. I think gin is the only thing I’m totally out of.

          10. Tres Cool

            Gin only complicates things…

            Now that I got me some Seagram’s gin
            Everybody got they cups, but they ain’t chipped in
            Now this type of shit happens all the time
            You got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine

      3. Lachowsky

        That’s what the few hipsters around here drink.

        1. Hyperion

          So PBR has somehow made the transformation from redneck beer to hipster beer. Interesting how these times change.

          1. juris imprudent

            Very popular amongst the Burning Man crowd too, largely because it was the only beer available at the nearest store (for the grunts out there doing set up and tear down).

          2. Oh it’s fucking obnoxious. My last ex girlfriend used to have some friends that are a married couple, both trust fund babies. They used to drink PBR semi ironically to act “working class.”

            I’d take it over Bud.

        2. commodious spittoon

          I like it better than Miller Lite for barbecue drinking, and it’s a cheap happy hour pint at a bar I used to frequent. Buck fifty! Can’t beat it.

      4. Tres Cool

        My demographic is more the “you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray. But ya doesnt have to call me Mr. Johnston!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LztZu5s0-QU

      5. C. Anacreon

        I guess that reference is a bit too old for most of you after all.
        It was actually part of a very scary sequence in Blue Velvet.

        1. commodious spittoon

          With Mickey Rooney?

        2. westernsloper

          I am sure it is not too old, I just have never seen that movie.

        3. dontreadonme

          Great flick, that one. “Mommy!”

    2. l0b0t

      I just finished a bottle of Buffalo Trace and am going to take a wee nap before my overnight job.

      1. Hyperion

        I still have about half my bottle of Buffalo Trace. Great for the price.

    3. Pan Zagloba

      NO ONE EXPECT STEVE SMITH. HIS CHIEF WEAPON SURPRISE. AND RAPE.

  23. hayeksplosives

    Thanks for the wheat beer indulgence, Sharpshooter!

    1. mexican sharpshooter

      Anytime!

      1. Yusef drives a Kia

        Good review as always, I could get mine posted but I ain’t all Sciency and edumacated like you guys, but I’ll keep going, maybe you take vacations or something….

        1. Hyperion

          Obviously, it’s ‘Edumencated’.

  24. Yusef drives a Kia

    I call this Bud for Old White Guys, Torpedo!
    https://photos.app.goo.gl/XzXWNxVZe6gTWO283

    1. Hyperion

      I’ve had their craft packs, some pretty good stuff.

      1. Yusef drives a Kia

        They make no bad beer,Otrovez, with Cactus, is the worst

  25. commodious spittoon

    The Finns have a word, “kalsarikännit”, which means “the feeling when you are going to get drunk home alone in your underwear – with no intention of going out.” I’ll drink to that.

    1. Yusef drives a Kia

      I’m already there……………

    2. Hyperion

      I’ve never done that before, you alkies!

        1. Hyperion

          No, actually, we Murikans all do it. But we have a different word for it, ‘normal weekend day’. I mean, I’m typically not alone, my wife is here, I’m just drinking alone. Sometimes she has a beer with me. 2 and she’s drunk.

          1. commodious spittoon

            Go on…

            Honestly, the one thing I miss about having my brief live-in girlfriend around is the drinking. Nothing like a girl getting a little goofy when she’s had a couple.

          2. Yusef drives a Kia

            That gets old fast my friend….

          3. westernsloper

            That was my favorite part of life for years with several different significant others. They always seemed to grow out of that and want to be all adult and shit though and threw me out eventually. Who is the one that changed in that scenario? I am one thing and that is consistent.

      1. Yusef drives a Kia

        Well, I did spend three hours on a Service call, then went to the Grocery store, then did dishes, THEN I started drinking in my Shorts

    3. Mr Lizard

      Can I get a phonetic spelling?…asking for a friend

    4. westernsloper

      Ya, I call that most of Saturday and a big portion of Sunday. I did clean my deck today. It took four hours, three beers and two tequilas. Then I showered and settled down for serious undie drinking.

  26. Sean

    I have a belly full of bbq and a glass full of bourbon. Living the dream.
    ?

    1. Tres Cool

      I just ordered Donato’s pizza, wings, and plopped another 40 oz in a paper sack. I’m embarrassingly low-maintenance.

      1. Sean

        Are you sitting on your front door step? Why the paper bag for your 40?

        1. commodious spittoon

          For the class.

        2. Tres Cool

          I’m neither philistine nor barbarian! Only the classiest of 40 oz drinkers use a proper paper sack. In fact, as a way to re-assure myself, I just took a swig with painky raised.
          We’re ballin up in here like its Downton Abby.

          1. Hyperion

            The paper sack is just like how some snooty bourbon drinkers got to have that certain glass, am I right? It’s all part of da buzz.

          2. Tres Cool

            ^^^ Gets it!

          3. Sean

            My bourbon glass has a .308 fmj embedded in the side.
            ?
            https://smile.amazon.com/308-Real-Bullet-hand-blown-Whiskey-Glass/dp/B06XDGQLZS

          4. Hyperion

            Those are awesome. My current fav glasses for bourbon are the Chivas Regal tumblers that came with the Chivas gift sets for 2017. I have a thing anyway for really thick heavy tumblers like that, and they have a pattern on the bottom that is really nice to the touch.

  27. Gilmore

    Every weekend Norm McDonald live-tweets golf.

    https://twitter.com/normmacdonald?lang=en

    one time during the week, he tweeted an imaginary golf tournament

    this was after he went on a 200 tweet rant that was basically the story of the quebec independence movement, or something.

    i’m starting to think Norm might be crazy.

    1. hayeksplosives

      Woo-hoo! Go Rickie Fowler! Represent Oklahoma State in your trademark Orange Sunday colors tomorrow!

  28. Lachowsky

    http://imgur.com/KUUyU21

    View from my current perch.

    1. Hyperion

      The only thing more scarier than libertarian shitlords, is libertarian shitlords with open vats of molten metals.

    2. commodious spittoon

      <a href="https://m.imgur.com/gallery/9W9R7dh&quot;Scrolling down…

      1. Hyperion

        I see weird kittahs and a giraffe whose eyes will roll if you move the mouse cursor around them.

      2. commodious spittoon

        https://m.imgur.com/gallery/9W9R7dh

        Fuck me, I’m not drinking enough for detail work.

        1. Hyperion

          Oh, fer fuck’s sake, I need bourbon now to unsee that.

        2. Number.6

          The only real solution to that is a cinderblock and a 3ft drop.

          1. Hyperion

            I was thinking gasoline and fire. Ye gads, someone send CS nekked pictures of Lena Dunham, it’s the only true comeback.

          2. Sean

            Fire is the correct answer.

    3. Tres Cool

      +1 EAF

    4. Tres Cool

      Lachowsky, if you dont get enough steel-making at work, try the home versions of the game!

      https://steeluniversity.org/product-category/simulations/

      1. Hyperion

        I’m a set up a foundry and distillery in my hall closet, next week. You can learn everything on the intertoobz. Now if I can only find room for my brewery in the smaller hall closet.

        1. Tres Cool

          You can likely fit an email server someplace there in the bathroom.

          /Clinton IT dept.

        2. Lachowsky

          Put it next to your server closet so nobody can find it.

          1. Hyperion

            Wipe it with a cloth?

          2. Tres Cool

            +1 Bleachbit

      2. Lachowsky

        That’s pretty cool. I get enough at work though.

        1. Tres Cool

          I always mess the chemistry up, but Im not a metallurgist. This is the part of steel-making where I come in:

          https://tinyurl.com/steelNSPS

    5. Number.6

      Very Reardonesque. The very epitomy of late-stage shitlordery.

      1. Tres Cool

        Stage IV Shitlord? Terminal Shitlord?

        1. Number.6

          Shitlord Prime!

          1. Hyperion

            Shitlord Supreme!

          2. Number.6

            Sounds like a gourmet meal now.

  29. Yusef drives a Kia

    And now I have a Walk in cooler down at Manila Grille, Been drinking , so I have to bum a ride, too drunk too drive,Legally, but just fine to climb ladders

    1. Tres Cool

      …its not the fall that gets you. Its the sudden stop.

    2. Hyperion

      Why are you climbing ladders? It’s almost 8pm. Or do you live in one of those commie time zones?

  30. Gilmore

    This is the sort of shit that would be “news” if the fucking news media hadn’t mostly turned into PR firms

    https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/03/world/middleeast/israel-airstrikes-sinai-egypt.html

    not only would it be news, but it would be the sort of thing that wouldn’t come out of the blue and surprise people; you’d actually see story after story explaining the background and the reasons. instead, the best you get is some very-thin, “oh, some shit’s happening, and we’ll have some 20 something who knows nothing about international affairs or the dynamics of these regions just try and assemble a voxsplainer”

    *i’m not dinging the NYT here; they are one of the few places that still has a couple of international correspondents (many of whom are just doing triple-duty for other papers as well)

    what i’m talking about is the first paragraph

    “The jihadists in Egypt’s Northern Sinai had killed hundreds of soldiers and police officers, pledged allegiance to the Islamic State, briefly seized a major town and begun setting up armed checkpoints to claim territory. In late 2015, they brought down a Russian passenger jet.”

    in a sane world, everyone would know this and it would be regularly reported on. instead we know that Trump likes his burgers well-done, followed by 2 scoops of ice cream. the pig.

    1. Gilmore

      **im aware that the lack of reporting on it may be intentional.

      most reporting about israel is always about the stupid and intractable ‘talks w/ Palestinians’ merry-go-round. its a narrative which never goes anywhere and always says the same shit.

      what’s less-reported about is how israels relations w/ it neighbors has probably changed subtly and significantly since the arab spring, or even since the war in Iraq.