There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the video. (((We))) are controlling the links. If (((we))) wish to make them louder, (((we))) will bring up the volume. If (((we))) wish to make them softer, (((we))) will tune them to a whisper. (((We))) can reduce the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. (((We))) will control the horizontal. (((We))) will control the vertical. For the next four hours, sit quietly and (((we))) will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to… The Morning Links.

 

Five Dimensional Chess!!!!

 

Did you know that wypipo in Appalachia have something major in common with black bodies in inner cities? It’s true. They have no agency, no ability to leave, no way to look at any other options. They need to be saved from the ravages of capitalism by superior sorts who live in the Right Areas and think the Right Thoughts. And whatever you do, as a Right Thinking Journalist, make sure to obscure the reasons people freely make the choices they do.

 

In today’s good news, Banjos and Sloopy’s kids have a new role model.

 

And yet more Absolute Disaster, if we don’t take action RIGHT NOW, with a primary action being “more grant funding.” No more fish, Mrs. Paul’s Hardest Hit.

 

In sports news, ESPN is struggling to find announcers and commentators who have undergone chemical castration.

 

And finally, one more “journalist” is actually a psychiatric expert, who is able to make remote diagnoses in the service of patriotism. Tell you what, I’ll make a remote diagnosis of Chuckie Pierce: he is suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome.

 

Yes, yes, I know, y’all can’t wait for Old Guy Music. Because I have my finger on the pulsing penile vein of American culture. I read a deep academic analysis of this song, discussing how the relative sizes of the pianist and the vocalist are related to the power dynamics between white 1950s British culture and the racialism of modern London. or something. I dunno, I just thought it was a nice song and a cool video, but that’s because I’m not as smart as woke academics. In any case, have fun today- I’ll be drinking beer with Swiss and watching football with SP. There’s worse ways to spend a Saturday.